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The Truth About Lying
I looked my mom in the eye and lied to her about watching a movie I wasn’t allowed to watch…
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Surprised by Election Day? Please Don’t Vote!
Facebook and Google and McDonald’s and a bunch of other large, influential organizations are encouraging Americans to get out and…
You Don’t Know Me
At work I write subject lines and email copy designed to get people to open my company’s emails and buy…
Adam Levine Is Better-Looking Than Me And Probably Always Will Be
He reached into one of the side drawers of his desk, pulled out a porn mag and flashed me the…
An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 9
Sometimes your wife cries in bed alone because she wants to hang out with you and you’d rather do anything…
Wanting What You Can’t Have
Maybe we’re all doomed.
More than half of our marriages fail already. Some of the ones still intact are brimming…
This Isn’t Advice, and You Shouldn’t Take It
I do not write an advice column.
I don’t want to be a life coach, I don’t think I’m smart…
The Level Playing Field
I will never be able to run faster than Usain Bolt or swim faster than Michael Phelps.
I will never…
The Number 333, Vol. 2
“3:33,” the digital clock likes to tell me.
“Oh, here he goes again! Matt thinks he’s a numerologist!”
Believe what…
The Science of the Heart is Sometimes Lost on Me
I used to make my wife cry because I treated her like her feelings weren’t important.
“Just because you feel…
