Month: October 2014

Adam Levine Is Better-Looking Than Me And Probably Always Will Be
He reached into one of the side drawers of his desk, pulled out a porn mag and flashed me the…
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An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 9
Sometimes your wife cries in bed alone because she wants to hang out with you and you’d rather do anything…
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Wanting What You Can’t Have
Maybe we’re all doomed. More than half of our marriages fail already. Some of the ones still intact are brimming…
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This Isn’t Advice, and You Shouldn’t Take It
I do not write an advice column. I don’t want to be a life coach, I don’t think I’m smart…
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The Level Playing Field
I will never be able to run faster than Usain Bolt or swim faster than Michael Phelps. I will never…
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The Number 333, Vol. 2
“3:33,” the digital clock likes to tell me. “Oh, here he goes again! Matt thinks he’s a numerologist!” Believe what…
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The Science of the Heart is Sometimes Lost on Me
I used to make my wife cry because I treated her like her feelings weren’t important. “Just because you feel…
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Now I Can Die in Peace
I root for professional sports teams in a city famous for not winning a championship in 50 years. It’s almost…
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The Belt Notches
I was dressing for work the other day when it happened. While buckling my belt, I noticed it needed to…
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You’re Not Supposed to Laugh at That
I was the only adult in the introductory Cub Scouts meeting without a child present. “Which one is your son?”…
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