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October 2014
Adam Levine Is Better-Looking Than Me And Probably Always Will Be
He reached into one of the side drawers of his desk, pulled out a porn mag and flashed me the…
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An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 9
Sometimes your wife cries in bed alone because she wants to hang out with you and you’d rather do anything…
Wanting What You Can’t Have
Maybe we’re all doomed.
More than half of our marriages fail already. Some of the ones still intact are brimming…
This Isn’t Advice, and You Shouldn’t Take It
I do not write an advice column.
I don’t want to be a life coach, I don’t think I’m smart…
The Level Playing Field
I will never be able to run faster than Usain Bolt or swim faster than Michael Phelps.
I will never…
The Number 333, Vol. 2
“3:33,” the digital clock likes to tell me.
“Oh, here he goes again! Matt thinks he’s a numerologist!”
Believe what…
The Science of the Heart is Sometimes Lost on Me
I used to make my wife cry because I treated her like her feelings weren’t important.
“Just because you feel…
Now I Can Die in Peace
I root for professional sports teams in a city famous for not winning a championship in 50 years.
It’s almost…
The Belt Notches
I was dressing for work the other day when it happened. While buckling my belt, I noticed it needed to…
You’re Not Supposed to Laugh at That
I was the only adult in the introductory Cub Scouts meeting without a child present.
“Which one is your son?”…
