Author’s Note: Sexual assault isn’t funny. And if Bob Rodgers were to ever “Bob Rodgers” the wrong person, he could conceivably get in sexual assault-ish legal trouble for doing so. I’m not a lawyer. But my friend is. And he just happened to be there the night Bob Rodgers “Bob Rodgersed” my pregnant wife, an event that forever changed our vocabulary, the types of photos we text or email one another, and turned a random guy’s name into a verb and a noun. The names in this post have been changed to protect the innocent. And the guilty.
…
I spent my high school years living on a quaint little street at the bottom of a steep hill with a cul-de-sac on both ends.
It was quiet other than the occasional train roaring by on some nearby tracks. My parents (my mom and stepdad) were conservative and fairly strict. Nothing wild EVER happened at that house.
So, when my wife and I rolled up to my old house where my stepdad lived alone less than a year after my mom left and filed for divorce, and about 10 years after I’d moved out, I almost shit myself.
Hip-hop music was BLARING from the garage via professional DJ equipment.
People were everywhere, laughing and having a good time.
Are we back in college?
This was a bona fide keg party my stepdad (who I met on my 5th birthday) was throwing while trying to reclaim his life after the divorce.
Before long, I was drinking shots with friends and neighbors and relatives standing around the kitchen table where we prayed before every meal and where I’d never before drank alcohol.
I was bumming cigarettes to my uncle’s girlfriend who was trying to hide it from him.
I was laughing it up with friends and family all of who shared my awe of the surreal scene: What planet are we on right now? Can you believe this is happening here?
It was the second-most surreal and awesome thing that would happen that night.
…
One of the neighbors is a guy named Bob Rodgers. A guy in between my age and my parents’ age.
He was always nice to me.
“Hey Bob! Good to see you, sir! Want to drink a shot with us?”
Damn right, he did.
All night, we were filling up plastic cups from the kegs, and drinking occasional shots from my stepdad’s neglected liquor cabinet. This was a man that drank ONE light beer, once a month with dinner. Maybe.
It was a great party.
…
My lawyer friend isn’t just my lawyer friend. He’s my childhood best friend who happens to be an attorney also.
He and I were standing in the backyard admiring the sights and sounds of the summer-night party when my pregnant wife walked up to us.
“So, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this, but who’s that guy over there?” she said.
“That’s Bob Rodgers. He lives right over there. Why?” I said.
“He just totally put his hands down my pants,” she said.
I didn’t love when guys did that, but I was drinking a lot and am harder to upset under such conditions.
“What do you mean? Like the front? Like, he tried to touch you down there?”
“No. In the back. Between my jeans and underwear,” she said while sort of demonstrating how it went down.
My friend and I looked at each other, half-disturbed, half-amused. My top priority was making sure my wife wasn’t upset. She wasn’t, and we all started to lighten up.
“Wait. On top of your underwear? Like, he went for your ass, but checked himself before going full skin?”
“I guess.”
“He used both hands? God, his wife is standing right there! I wonder if she saw that. How far down did he go?” I said.
She showed us again. About down to where your thumb connects to your hand.
Maybe it was all the drinking. But things were getting funnier.
…
My uncle’s girlfriend came over to bum another covert cigarette.
I excused myself from the Bob Rodgers conversation and went to smoke with her. She leaned in close to my ear. “Do you know that guy over there?”
“Hell yeah, I do. That’s Bob Rodgers. He just stuck his hands down my wife’s pants!”
“No way!” she said. “That’s what I was going to tell you!”
“You saw him do it!? I totally missed it.”
“No, he did it to me too! Just now when I was over there. He pulled me in for a hug and put his hands down the back of my pants!” she said.
“This guy is unbelievable!” I said. “Important question that I’m sorry for asking: Did he put them between your pants and your underwear? I mean, did he stay above your underwear?”
“Yes. Exactly,” she said.
“Holy shit. Bob Rodgers is Bob Rodgersing everybody!”
…
I drug my uncle’s girlfriend over to where my wife and friends were standing. By now, more of them had been brought up to speed on the Bob Rodgers incident.
“Guys! Lisa got Bob Rodgersed, too!” I said, probably too excitedly.
Lisa and my wife compared notes and it became official: Getting “Bob Rodgersed” was now a Thing, and it had just happened to both of them.
We spent the rest of the night sharing the story with people and inventing new ways to Bob Rodgers someone. My lawyer friend’s wife’s cousin (seriously) lived down the street and she already knew about Bob Rodgers and his inappropriate groping.
This was apparently what he did all the time. He’d get super-wasted at bars or parties, then would Bob Rodgers (the verb) every woman he could. Then he’d pass out and have to be carried home.
The rumor was his wife knew about Bob Rodgers’ nasty habit of Bob Rodgersing everyone.
My stepdad was pissed when he found out my wife and at least one other borderline family member was groped by his drunk neighbor during his party. We assured him all was well, but that it might be wise to keep an eye out for this sort of thing in the future.
(I have a young sister. When she was still in high school, Bob Rodgers would make very Bob Rodgersy comments to her. He’s probably a ticking time bomb.)
How to Bob Rodgers Someone
As I do not, and will never, condone uninvited touching of other people, especially in areas covered by underwear, I want to clearly state in no uncertain terms that you should only be Bob Rodgersing people who you are allowed to Bob Rodgers (the verb).
That said, here are some basic Bob Rodgersing techniques you can use at home. (I apologize for the lack of illustrations with directional arrows.)
The Original Bob Rodgers
In a classic front-facing hugging position, stick both hands down the back of his/her pants, inside the pants, but outside the underwear.
The Reverse Bob Rodgers
Basically, this is your classic courtesy reach-around while standing behind him/her, except you must leave your hands atop his/her underwear.
The Double Bob Rodgers
Best accomplished from the side, the Double requires you to put one hand down the front and the other down the back (on top of the underwear!) simultaneously.
The Bent-Over One-Handed Bob Rodgers
A common maneuver in Turkish oil wrestling, when he/she is on hands and knees, you put one hand down the back of the pants. Counting to 10 is optional.
The Double Reverse with a Twist Bob Rodgers
This is tricky shit, and is virtually impossible to pull off when belts or tight-fitting pants are involved. In a front-facing position (like the Original), you slide BOTH hands down the front of his or her pants (above the underwear), but then giving a little twisting finger motion at the end to let them know you mean business.
…
These are your entry-level, super-basic Bob Rodgersing techniques to get you started.
There are no limits, so please let your imagination run wild.
If you have Bob Rodgersing tips, stories, or new entries to the How to Bob Rodgers Someone Library, I hope you’ll share them in the comments.
From the Bob Rodgers Training Facility, over and out.
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Another Author’s Note: There are more than likely MANY guys named Bob Rodgers out there. I want to reiterate that Bob Rodgers is a totally made-up name and is NOT the actual name of the guy doing all the Bob Rodgersing in this story. If your name is Bob Rodgers or you know one and like him, I’m really sorry.
ummm if a stranger does this to any of the women I know…they won’t be needing a judge…it’ll be closed coffin
You’d MURDER Bob Rodgers!?!?
That seems totally excessive, but I admire your not-giving-a-shit very much.
I knew that i’d be misunderstood…my poor phrasing…lol…nah the chicks would defend themselves…sorta like this chick…
This is hilarious
You have one sloppy-drunk creeper to thank for it.
I’m glad you liked it. We’ve been laughing about this for years now.
Is Bob Rodgers single? Cause ‘The Double Reverse with a Twist Bob Rodgers’ sounds fun.
He’s married with two kids, funny lady!
Doesn’t mean you can’t incorporate the technique into your own life.
Can one Bob Rodgers themselves? Oh wait, don’t answer that!!
ANDI!!!! lol….
Gotta admire your ability to turn this into a funny incident. Which it is. Awful too.
I’m good at laughing at things. I’m the guy laughing in business meetings when he probably shouldn’t be. Keeps me young(ish).
Somebody needs to fart on his hand.
I think there’s a better-than-average chance Bob Rodgers would think that’s kind of hot. He’s even less normal than regular abnormal people.
He is definitely less normal than regular abnormal people. The man is a sex offender. I hope something has been done. No other women should have to go through that because Bob has a fetish and the neighbours think it’s funny.
His neighbors don’t think it’s funny at all.
Me, my ex-wife, some friends and a few other people who were there that night think jokes about “Bob Rodgersing” people are funny.
He may, indeed, warrant a sex offender label. I don’t presume to know.
But since his wife, the mother of their two children, knew about these incidents, I’d say the responsibility falls on those two adults to get their shit together.
I only know what I know. I know that one night, seven years ago, one drunk buffoon got handsy with two women, putting his fingers about five inches down the back of their pants.
It’s not cool.
But making him register as a sex offender for that incident?
I think that’s a bit like using a grenade to kill a spider.
Whether or not he is a sex offender is a matter of law, not opinion. I don’t believe it to be overkill to punish him for the crime he is frequently committing.
There are many places in the world where women don’t have the right to protect themselves against unwanted advances. This is not one of them. I am not trying to be argumentative, but this is not killing a spider with a grenade.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts.
I must politely disagree. It’s opinion.
And you made my point for me by bringing up all the places in the world where women don’t have legal rights to protect themselves.
Just because it’s legal to disrespect, mistreat, and harm women under some barbaric laws, doesn’t make it okay.
Similarly, making one drunk moron register as a sex offender for doing what I’ve described here also strikes me as unfair.
And you’re welcome for listening. We don’t normally discuss these sorts of things here.
Male-female relationships, marriage and divorce, are usually on the menu.
I hope you’ll find my take on those subjects more palatable.
I appreciate you reading and commenting very much.
I feel kind of awful admitting that I thought this was hilarious.
No. No I do not
Adding “party with Matt at least once before you die” to my bucket list right now
I think if you saw the guy, and experienced it in the environment I did, it would seem totally okay to laugh at.
Left to people’s imaginations, it probably comes off more disturbing than it seemed at the time.
RE: Partying with me? Totally fun. As a general rule, people don’t get Bob Rodgersed in my groups. This was a one-time thing from a guy who lives hours away from me.
LOL! Now that really is kind of funny and awful at the same time. I must live in a rougher neighborhood then you, because anybody who tries to stick their hands down your pants here is always trying to give you a wedgie. Most of us how learned how to avoid that.
You nailed it. It’s funny and awful at the same time.
No idea what this guy is doing these days, but I’m quite certain you don’t want to hang out with him if he’s drinking.
i…..uh….hmm…..nope…..I can’t….. I cannot……what?!?!?
and the picture?….Really Matt?! it’s so awful……my poor eyes. They’re burning..
Bob Rodgersing. It’s a thing.
That photo is MONEY. I was worried about finding a representative image. Totally did.
That was hilarious and I admire your constraint at not clocking the dude. I have a couple of neighbors who could be categorized ‘Bon Rodgers’ especially when they have been drinking. Drink makes some people do stupid things. Have a great week.
You may or may not know this reference, but I’d have to Little Mac jump-punch him like in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, because he’s a tall and lanky sonofabitch.
This is the kind of guy who knocks himself out. Just give him a bottle. Stand aside, and before you know it, he’ll crumple on the ground.
Sounds like a sad life – for him
I try hard not to pass judgment. People should pursue happiness as they see fit. But yeah. I’m with you. Sounds sad, indeed.
Lmao.
That is all.
XD
Hey you.
I wish I could remember every silly thing like this that has happened, so I could write about them. Unfortunately, without the years of telling jokes about this guy and incident, I’d have forgotten it too.
I’m bad-memory guy. Hope you’re well, Jade.
Eh… not to fear; I too suffer heavily from CRS (Can’t Remember Shit) so I bear you no ill will =p
I’m sure you’ve got a ton more funny stories to dig out and share m’hmm. Somewhere in the midst of my chaotic memory, I know I do too! Mayhap in between serious entries I should start forcing myself to post about one funny story every once in awhile haha, just to kind of lighten the mood. Hmm good idea, says I! 😉
Hope you are also well, Matt. Xx
Dayum, I can’t un-see that lol. This is actually the first time I have heard of “Bob Rodgers” — is this an American thing? On a serious note though, I’d beat the crap out of the guy that would do that to me without consent.
Thank goodness. This is NOT an American thing. It’s a 15-people-in-the-entire-world-know-about-it thing.
This is just one silly thing that happened one night seven years ago. And we named it after the guy who did it.
And his real name is not Bob Rodgers. I’m not evil enough to publish his real name!
I’d rather enjoy watching you beat the crap out of someone who tried to Bob Rodgers you. Of that, I’m sure.
You’re being mean to the real Bob Rodgers lol!
If a girl does the ‘Bob Rodgers’ move though, would a guy feel offended? (Honest question, just curious)
I assume there are dozens, if not hundreds, of Bob Rodgers out there. I assure you, I feel a tinge of guilt, though I don’t think my influence is so great that a man with that name has anything to worry about.
At worst, three people will remember this post, and my friend who was there that night will be one of the three. 🙂
Oh, and as to whether a guy would be offended? That’s a case-by-case basis. I think everyone has different comfort levels and boundaries regarding human contact.
I think men generally would complain less about a strange woman touching them, than women would about strange men doing the same. But that’s a TOTAL guess, and I have no idea.
If it was me? Playful touch is fine. Physical sexual advance? I suppose I’d only like it if I was interested in reciprocating.
And if I wasn’t, and she or he continued to try, then we’d have a problem.
I’m fortunate to have never been put in such a spot.
This post deserves my very best southern “Oh. Mah. Lored.” Hilarious!
Thank you. It was a very funny night. Can’t have too many of those–so long as you’re not being Bob Rodgersed.
I’m sure! It’s all fun a games until a stranger has their hand in your pants haha : )
I can barely articulate I am laughing so hard… Thanks Matt!
Also, in Scotland he would have been decked faster than you can say Bob Rodgers. By the victim.
Yeah so you’re gonna call me uptight but I would have punched him. That’s assault no pun intended.
My father, who was in his mid-sixties when he married my best loved step-mother, did the ass pat. The ass pat, also a verb, was considered a gift. Yes, it really was. I was initially entirely humiliated by this, found it completely unbelievable my father would go to parties with other retired folks in the golf community they lived in, even go to church and gift ladies his age, younger and older with the ass pat. My step-mother, a retired teacher and an upstanding member of her church and the community, thought it was sweet.
My father, he did this entirely sober. No one ever took offense (I have never understood why).
Everyone seems to have radically different reactions to this sort of thing. All are uniquely personal and valid, it seems.
I think it simply depends on the danger-level of the toucher and the sensitivity level of the unwilling recipient.
I suspect you are right. My father, who didn’t pat ass with evil intent was a great hugger. He never did this to ‘young’ women who might be truly offended by his terrible habit, unless they were related. None of his daughters were exempt by the way.
All the older church ladies thought he was charming. Go Figure.
A guy puts his hand down my pants, I’m gonna punch him in the dick.
If you were my husband and you didn’t knock him on his ass for sticking his hands down my pants I would never blow you again.
He touched two women totally inappropriately. That you KNOW of. I cringed reading this.
Sorry. I still love you.
A permanent oral ban for not feloniously assaulting a neighbor guy I’d known for years over a Bob Rodgersing that didn’t even upset the recipients!?!?
Ruthless.
I’m from New York. We hit first, and ask questions later.
And I would lift the ban for your birthday. Possibly New Years Eve.
He’s just a husband taking shit from his wife