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It seems so unreasonable when you put it that way: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.
It makes her seem ridiculous; and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations.
We like to point fingers at other things to explain why something went wrong, like when Biff Tannen crashed George McFly’s car and spilled beer on his clothes, but it was all George’s fault for not telling him the car had a blind spot.
This bad thing happened because of this, that, and the other thing. Not because of anything I did!
Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher.
It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it WAS a big deal to her.
Every time she’d walk into the kitchen and find a drinking glass by the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet. But even if I had, I fear I wouldn’t have worked as hard to change my behavior as I would have stubbornly tried to get her to see things my way.
The idiom “to cut off your nose to spite your face” was created for such occasions.
Men Are Not Children, Even Though We Behave Like Them
Feeling respected by others is important to men.
Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled. One thing I know for sure is that I never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect.
Yesterday I responded to a comment by @insanitybytes22, in which she suggested things wives and mothers can do to help men as an olive branch instead of blaming men for every marital breakdown. I appreciated her saying so.
But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.
Men Can Do Things
Men invented heavy machines that can fly in the air reliably and safely. Men proved the heliocentric model of the solar system, establishing that the Earth orbits the Sun. Men design and build skyscrapers, and take hearts and other human organs from dead people and replace the corresponding failing organs inside of living people, and then those people stay alive afterward. Which is insane.
Men are totally good at stuff.
Men are perfectly capable of doing a lot of these things our wives complain about. What we are not good at is being psychic, or accurately predicting how our wives might feel about any given thing because male and female emotional responses tend to differ pretty dramatically.
‘Hey Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?’
Several reasons.
- I may want to use it again.
- I don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are coming over.
- I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting, or to enjoy yardwork. I don’t want to crochet things. And it’s hard for me to imagine a scenario in which doing a bunch of work in my yard sounds more appealing than ANY of several thousand less-sucky things which could be done.
There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her. I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her— literally causes her pain—because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”
All the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a (quasi) dirty dish.
Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me.
I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.
I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.
Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.
Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.
Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.
Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”
Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.
…..
Shameless Relationship Coaching Plug:
If you or your partner are interested in working with me one-on-one or in a group setting, you can learn more about my relationship coaching work and book a session here. (P.S. – I’ve evolved quite a bit from this 2016 blog post. But it still makes for good conversation.)
…..
Yes, It’s That Simple
The man capable of that behavioral change—even when he doesn’t understand her or agree with her thought-process—can have a great relationship.
Men want to fight for their right to leave that glass there. It might look like this:
“Eat shit, wife,” we think. “I sacrifice a lot for you, and you’re going to get on me about ONE glass by the sink? THAT little bullshit glass that takes a few seconds to put in the dishwasher, which I’ll gladly do when I know I’m done with it, is so important to you that you want to give me crap about it? You want to take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with me, and tell me how I’m getting something wrong and failing you, over this glass? After all of the big things I do to make our life possible—things I never hear a “thank you” for (and don’t ask for)—you’re going to elevate a glass by the sink into a marriage problem? I couldn’t be THAT petty if I tried. And I need to dig my heels in on this one. If you want that glass in the dishwasher, put it in there yourself without telling me about it. Otherwise, I’ll put it away when people are coming over, or when I’m done with it. This is a bullshit fight that feels unfair and I’m not just going to bend over for you.”
The man DOES NOT want to divorce his wife because she’s nagging him about the glass thing which he thinks is totally irrational. He wants her to agree with him that when you put life in perspective, a glass being by the sink when no one is going to see it anyway, and the solution takes four seconds, is just not a big problem. She should recognize how petty and meaningless it is in the grand scheme of life, he thinks, and he keeps waiting for her to agree with him.
She will never agree with him, because it’s not about the glass for her. The glass situation could be ANY situation in which she feels unappreciated and disrespected by her husband.
The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.
She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure.
In theory, the man wants to fight this fight, because he thinks he’s right (and I agree with him): The dirty glass is not more important than marital peace.
If his wife thought and felt like him, he’d be right to defend himself. Unfortunately, most guys don’t know that she’s NOT fighting about the glass. She’s fighting for acknowledgment, respect, validation, and his love.
If he KNEW that—if he fully understood this secret she has never explained to him in a way that doesn’t make her sound crazy to him (causing him to dismiss it as an inconsequential passing moment of emo-ness), and that this drinking glass situation and all similar arguments will eventually end his marriage, I believe he WOULD rethink which battles he chose to fight, and would be more apt to take action doing things he understands to make his wife feel loved and safe.
I think a lot of times, wives don’t agree with me. They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.
And this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt. It’s like, he doesn’t think she has the right to (and then use it as a weapon against him) because it feels unfair.
“I never get upset with you about things you do that I don’t like!” men reason, as if their wives are INTENTIONALLY choosing to feel hurt and miserable.
When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.
It’s not: Sonofabitch, I have to do this bullshit thing for my wife again. It’s: I’m grateful for another opportunity to demonstrate to my wife that she comes first and that I can be counted on to be there for her, and needn’t look elsewhere for happiness and fulfillment.
Once someone figures out how to help a man equate the glass situation (which does not, and will never, affect him emotionally) with DEEPLY wounding his wife and making her feel sad, alone, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, afraid, etc. … Once men really grasp that and accept it as true even though it doesn’t make sense to them?
Everything changes forever.
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Does your wife (ex) read your column? Does she find it entertaining, or does it make her angry?
She used to. I can’t be certain she does now. We don’t discuss it. If she does read it, I doubt she finds it entertaining, but I’m also certain it doesn’t make her angry. She’s not shy. If she’s pissed, I’ll hear about it.
We have found a very nice balance, she and I, supporting one another as best we can post-marriage on behalf of our son.
I don’t write much about it intentionally. But considering where we were just three years ago, I am extraordinarily proud of where we are today.
You should be proud. Just because things fell apart doesn’t mean you have to stay there.
Good for you two!!!
Would you stop writing the column if she didn’t like it? This is the post of someone who still doesn’t get it. If she doesn’t like you leaving something by the sink she needs to put it in the dishwasher. Just like you may not like something she does. If she is going to take something that small and turn it into something so serious she has a problem. My wife leaves crap all over and it bugs me so I move it. I don’t take it as an affront to my wedding vows. It sounds like you have apologized for being normal which it probably what got you in trouble in the first place. If you establish a pattern of ass kissing the “partner” comes to expect more ass kissing. If you establish mutual respect for each others idiosyncrasies from the get go I don’t think you will ever find this. Just some advice from someone who is still happily married to my original wife for 20 years who leaves crap all over the house (26 years together total).
You’re doing it right now. The thing I’m talking about.
You think because it doesn’t bother you, that it SHOULDN’T bother her.
It’s a logical fallacy, and causes more affairs and divorce than any other belief.
You’re an anomaly, Brian. By virtue of being married (and together) for 26 years, you’re an anomaly. And you know it, because more than half of the people you know have gotten divorced. It’s a statistical certainty.
I think it’s awesome that you’ve found a way to make it work. It’s GREAT. It means you have something really great about your psychological makeup and chemistry, and it probably also means that your wife has some exceptional qualities and you appreciate those MORE than you resent her shortcomings.
But, with all due respect, if you’re advising married men to fight this fight? To challenge their wives every time they have a disagreement because “the Man Way is the right way”?
They’re going to get divorced. They just are.
If you and I talk about things women do that upset us, our lists will look similar, just as when women discuss things that men do that upset them, their lists look similar.
Until BOTH lists are respected, acknowledged, and considered equally valid by men, relationships will continue to break, and kids will continue to have their worlds ripped apart.
And, for what? Because “It’s My Way or the Highway?”
I’m sorry. But, that only perpetuates the problem.
I do appreciate you reading and commenting. Thank you.
Brian,
My wife just emailed me this article and told me to read it. I read it. I agree with you. We have been married for almost 8 years and together for 12. We have moved all over the world together and I know there are things that I do that just grind her gears down to the bone, but there are things she does as well. Either you learn to accept each other and love each other and yourself, or you let petty things get in the middle and take you down. IF it isn’t the dishes then it will be something else, her unhappiness has nothing to do with you, there will always be something. one thing I have learned is I have to be happy and awesome because that’s what she needs is an awesome and happy husband. When you are resposible for your own happinness nothing anybody does bothers you.
Sorry Matt, but if it wasn’t the dishes it would be something else and you really need to come to terms with the fact that it had more to do with her.
“She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner” I think that statement says it the best, she needs to look inward and see that this is all her. She doesn’t love herself, she doesn’t respect herself, people CAN’T make people feel anyway that a fact! It is all a choice, a personal choice, happiness, sadness, love it is all a personal choice and that is how I choose to live my life. She chose this and I feel like you are still there three years ago asking yourself what could I have done differently. I think she didn’t love herself, blamed you because we are a society of people who do no wrong, and you are still there asking yourself what could I have done differently.
BRO – quit living in the past, realize you did the best you could, realize she made a choice and live in the PRESENT
good luck.
What is so hard about metaphor, I wonder? She didn’t leave because I left dishes by the sink.
You and Brian can go ahead and agree all you want.
Your way = shitty marriage.
And that’s your choice to make. I wish you all the luck in the world, because even though we don’t agree, I promise you I want you two to stay married forever.
I really hope you find a way. Thanks for commenting.
I’m not anomaly, there are plenty of people who stay married their whole lives, over half. Because so many continue to make the same mistakes. You have taken the advice of someone who has done it right and turned it into the exception. I think if you ask any of the long time married couples how they did it you will certainly hear, “don’t sweat the small stuff” regularly. Turning a cup into a battle is exactly what I said you shouldn’t do and if you find yourself dating someone that does that you shouldn’t get married. All the first divorces I’ve seen were based on relationships where the men did whatever they were told to get to the nooky. It established a bad basis for the relationship long term. It made the woman happy because she got what she wanted (treated like a queen) and the man happy because he got what he wanted (sex not withheld). As far as 50% divorce rate, once you break the seal it appears people pull the trigger on that much more easily resulting in 3-4 divorces. Again probably because they ignore the advice of those who have figured it out and instead listen to the theories of those who haven’t.
As a woman, while I found it impressive that the author was able to come to this conclusion, for my marriage I find that Brian’s perspective is more fruitful.
I’m not saying that you are wrong, maybe if you had taken the time to put a dish in the dishwasher you would still be married. I’m not sure on that one. Again, reminding you that I am a woman, I find the cup in dish washer or cup in sink argument to be quite petty. When I eat a bowl of cereal in the mornings I literally always sit the milk (almond so it doesn’t spoil rapidly) out until I’m finished with it. I have literally done this since I was old enough to prepare my own bowl of cereal. Now that I’m married, a stay at home mom with an unusually intelligent and equally mischievous 16 month old, I often forget to put the milk away.
That, among many other things, drives my husband nutty. But he doesn’t make it into a huge issue and decide that “because you left the milk out you don’t respect me”. There is a huge leap between a cup (or milk) left in an undesired location and lack of respect. In between the two there are clearly much larger issues.
My husband, when he cleans up, stuffs things in random bags. My guess is that due to his height and muscular build, his clothing and shoes didn’t always fit in their purposed location within his childhood room. Thus, he improvised. I find it annoying nonetheless mostly because it makes it difficult to find anything. My son’s baby crayons have been missing for months. I haven’t even mentioned this annoyance to him much. Probably only once. Instead, when he cleans up I later go through the bag and put the items elsewhere. I wouldn’t equate his behavior to disrespect because he respects me in literally COUNTLESS other ways. He works extremely hard so that my son can have me with him 24/7. He’s the top employee on his team at work because he gets up and prays at 4 am before heading to work and then comes home and helps me straighten up. He listens to my feelings and responds to my needs. So a bag full of miscellaneous items or almond milk on the center island is an annoyance but not a sign of the level of respect we have for one another.
My advice, and I haven’t been married nearly as long as Brian, but my husband and I have been through extremely trying times together (the most recent being the loss of our daughter at 19 weeks gestation), would be to not allow these small issues to impact your view on one another. Keep it in perspective. Try to gain an understanding for why your partner does what he or she does because, honestly, “I don’t want to dirty up a million cups every time I want a drink” is actually quite reasonable. And finally, if there is a problem within the marriage or if one partner feels there is a lack of respect, deal with that problem but don’t allow yourself to be illogical because of it. Communicate your feelings to your partner and deal with it together.
I’ll also add that you cannot have true love between you and your partner without patience. So if there is something you are in communication about and it doesn’t change immediately, work with each other and show some understanding. Say to yourself, “hey, she or he has been leaving a cup by the sink for 20 plus years. It may not change in a few days”.
“He listens to my feelings and responds to my needs”. And that’s the big difference. The cup by the dishwasher is a metaphor for Matt not doing either of those things, which magnifies everything.
Your husband listening to you and responding to your needs mean that his habit of putting stuff in random bags means that it just stays an annoying habit.No more
And a big P.S., I don’t think it doesn’t bother my wife, I know it doesn’t because I….. hold on this is a big one… talk to her!
I’m reading this for the first time in six years and am annoyed all over again. I’m not leaving this reply for Brian. I’m leaving this reply for any new readers who are looking at this comment thread. And I just want to point out the obvious for anyone who’s missing it:
The notion of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff IS totally good advice under a very specific set of circumstances. It is. If you are not bothered by so-called “small things” you will definitely have less conflict in your relationships than if one or both of you do sweat the so-called small things.
But that advice is also tantamount to saying: “If I poke you in the arm with a needle every day, I want you to not react to it, since in the grand scheme of things, it’s a relatively minor pain. Stop being a wimp and making a big deal out of it!”
If you want to maintain Safety and Trust in your relationships — and I implore you to want to because it’s the most important ingredient there is for health and longevity — then please realize that we don’t get to decide what is and what is not painful for other people.
Brian’s advice six years ago is exactly the same as hurting someone, and then telling them they’re overreacting or that they should not be hurt, because we don’t believe the incident was as harmful or painful as they’re claiming. And you’re free to take that approach, but you WILL lose the trust of the other person over time if that’s your approach.
Brian wasn’t calculating for the fact that his wife was NOT hurt by a dish by the sink. Which is great! Some people like shellfish. Some people don’t. Some people have nut allergies. Some people don’t. Some people are afraid of heights. Some people aren’t.
Different people have radically different experiences when they live through certain moments. And if you want to have Safety and Trust in your relationships, it’s really important that you honor the way THEY experience things. If someone is afraid of heights, and you are constantly forcing them onto hot air balloons or ferris wheels or mountain cliff ledges, they will probably stop wanting to be around you.
If a dish by the sink (or literally ANYTHING) hurts or upsets or otherwise is a negative experience for your relationship partner, we MUST honor their experiences if we want to maintain trust and a healthy relationship with them.
Brian is confusing winning the lottery of his wife’s personality and individual characteristics with advice that can apply universally to all people. I beg you to not buy into it unless you like slowly destroying your most important relationships.
I’m curious Matt, were there any things your wife did that drove you crazy? If so, did she accommodate your requests? Genuinly curious
Hi Matthew, I’m new to your blog and it really resonates with me. In the old thread you say
“If you and I talk about things women do that upset us, our lists will look similar, just as when women discuss things that men do that upset them, their lists look similar. Until BOTH lists are respected, acknowledged, and considered equally valid by men, relationships will continue to break, and kids will continue to have their worlds ripped apart.” As a wife, I’d be really interested to know what your list would look like if you’re happy to share.
Love this so much – what you write is so true. I can’t understand why people are taking the glass by the sink so literally – it’s not about the glass!!!!
Brian’s point is valid, but also beside the point. If Matt realized early on that putting the cup in the dishwasher was important to his wife, he could have decided that A…she wasn’t the one for him, or B…that this was a small, kind thing he could do to make the person he was committed to happy. Or he could have started with B, then moved to A if– as Brian intimates–he begins to feel hen pecked.
Bur Matt’s posts serve a different purpose.
Matt’s posts are for people who don’t even know that A & B are options. Matt’s post are for the person who doesn’t even understand the cup in the dishwasher is important to their partner, and so they are not even engaging with their partner on the topic. The partners are in different realities. Matt talked to his wife. And his wife talked to him. He just wasn’t hearing her. So he couldn’t choose between A & B. She (rightly, IMHO) felt invisible because of it.
I was in a marriage for 18 years where I felt invisible. There was no room for compromise or getting my needs met, because I was always being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘making a big deal out of nothing.’ I certainly had things I needed to do differently in that marriage, and I am a more self assertive and independent person today. Perhaps I used to be the kind of woman that Brian warns about. But my husband did not want the divorce I chose, and perhaps we could have learned together how to compromise if I had semi-regularly felt that my opinions and needs were one of his priorities.
““Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”
That hurt to read those words because this happened in my marriage – it wasn’t about glasses but rather about many things deemed “woman’s work” which I am not a fan of at all. I am not as sensitive about many things but his outlook on a bunch of little things is what made me close off to him years before our actual divorce. I knew I would not spend my years after kids with a person like him. My husband never tried to understand what you have so eloquently and simply explained.
In my narrow once married opinion, It is THIS article that can help the woman’s husband from
http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/12/got-any-suggestions-for-this-exhausted-wife/
P.S. Will You Marry Me?
I’m sorry, Jayne. I know that different things trigger different memories and feelings.
It IS sad. Even though I accept responsibility for my marriage ending, there are still things that happened that hurt very much.
Once in a while, telling an old story makes me feel some of it. Not often anymore. But, sometimes.
I’m glad you liked that last post. Anytime something I’ve written really hits home for people, I earmark it as something to make sure gets included in this book project I’m doing a bad job of finishing.
Thank you, as always, for reading and being part of the conversation.
…
Did you just propose in a blog comment, Jayne? I love it.
I feel like maybe we should have dinner first!
You didn’t cause the hurt I felt – it’s my interpretation of his actions that hurt. I don’t think he intentionally set out to have me feel these things at all. That’s psychopathic. I take responsibility to a point. We women have our dysfunctional ways too. It’s working them out and understanding them that makes life better…I think. The marriage sentiment will be forever there Matt. Your understanding of this issue made me so happy that I wanted to scoop you up like a found diamond! (Your understanding actually validated my perspective of his attitude as a “simple” issue of recognition rather than me having another complaint. He saw anything that “disturbed” his own view as a challenge or it was me complaining and saying that he was wrong so we never got passed that. It will forever be left without any closure. Fun times!! We all learn at our own speed. I learned that my needs were worth divorcing him for.
I bet nine out of 10 divorcees who read this comment will know exactly what you mean, Jayne. Just like I do.
So, is a winter wedding good for you?!
lol
Wonderful post!! Wonderful and eerily familiar. I often look back at my marriage (and subsequent divorce) and realize that my shortcomings could have been eliminated had I just “put the glass in the dishwasher”.
It is amazing how much clarity has washed over me 3 years after my divorce. The main reason that my marriage ended was I consistently mistook her searching for respect/appreciation for nagging. Hindsight….
Ha. Yeah. You and I speak the same language.
Thank you for “getting it.”
I spend most of my time thinking about, and writing about, stuff like this. The question I always get asked is: “How can I get my husband to understand this stuff now, rather then before it’s too late?”
Or better yet, I wonder: How could we get young people, pre-marriage, to grasp these things people on the other side of divorce recognize as true?
It’s the thing I wrestle with, because if there WAS some magic way to do so, we’d be doing humanity an incredible service.
I’m trying to learn that you can never talk to everyone, and even if you could, most won’t listen.
So you write for the one. That one faceless stranger who will.
And you validating what I’ve written here helps with all of that. With that one person who is paying attention.
Thank you very much for reading and being part of the conversation.
This was very insightful, mature and relatable. It’s nice to read as a woman – an ex-wife – that a man understands we don’t want to nag and there’s more to it than the complaint. We could probably do a better job explaining to our husbands this as well. It’s great for both sides and I think helps us all realize what it is that really gets us upset deep down. Thanks for writing this 🙂
Thank you for saying so.
I feel like anyone who has ever even dated seriously will quickly identify the metaphor.
The disconnect begins when husbands and boyfriends behave as if their wives’ and girlfriends’ feelings are “wrong.”
X happens. She feels Y. She didn’t decide to. She just did.
Moving forward, when X happens, she will feel Y. And Y is shitty and miserable and “Please just stop doing this! For me. Please.”
And he says: “I don’t think it makes sense that X causes you to feel bad, because it doesn’t cause me to feel bad, thus I’m not going to acknowledge or validate your feelings.”
Like something’s wrong with her emotional calibration since it’s different from his.
The same thing is true in reverse, by the way. “Men are silly because they (insert any common male behavior women often roll their eyes at here).”
A husband may never understand how a glass by the sink could be elevated to something worthy of a fight. But so long as he respects that it matters THAT much to her, not only will they never fight about it ever again, she’ll feel loved and secure in ways that will benefit other aspects of their relationship as well.
#ThingsLearnedTheHardWay
So true. Applies to both. Lessons learned indeed. I feel like I’m a better partner now because I learned what I should’ve done better and what I will never tolerate again. Although I’m not proud I’m divorced, I will be better the next time around due to my experience 🙂
I’m in the heat of this right now in my marriage. He doesn’t grasp why X makes me feel the way I do…so as much as I hurt from X, he doesn’t get it…so won’t stop. Thanks for giving me something to show him
I wish you could kidnap or ADULT-nap my ex-husband and really re-train him to think this way. Unfortunately, it is too late for us, but I’m definitely gonna hire you for the next husband for CIA mind control, er, I mean sensitive training…lol.
Don’t train him, miss!
Simply choose one who doesn’t require it. It will save you $50,000 in billing for my super-secret CIA mind-control services. 🙂
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I was never really able to communicate to my husband why the empty glass was so damn important. After a while I just stopped saying anything about it and lowered my expectations. It hurt a lot and I grew to really resent it. It’s different now. Somewhere along the line he figured it out. Its never going to be his forte, but he tries, he really does, and now even if the glass is only making it into the dishwasher 1 time out of 5, I think to myself “He is so sweet to me!” And then I kiss him a lot. So it works out well for both of us ?
Sounds like you were once at the place most wives get to, only you refused to quit.
You presevered. And now, life is better. I hope you’d say it’s really good.
Hard to imagine a better marriage story.
Actually Matt, I was the shitty spouse and I’m very thankful my husband didn’t give up on me. Life IS better, even if we took the scenic route to get here.
Pretty close to my story. Even though my husband doesn’t really get my feelings about being neat and organized, I do believe that he does make attempts. And that makes all the difference in my attitude towards him, which is exactly this article has tried to explain. That “he does care about such things because it matters to ME”. And like you mentioned it is definitely not 100% conversion but it’s the effort that counts. Also, slowly I’ve learnt to take things easy without getting pissed off for every detail of our homes. I now have slowly managed to accept the sheets not being changed as often as I thought they should do. Or sometimes I fold his blanket after he’s left without pointing it out to him that he did it again. It’s been 3 years since we married and too soon to get to a conclusion that we have figured it out but I hope we continue to get better at being married.
Congratulations on three years ☺
Sad situation but beautifully written.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Carli.
Really well said, Matt.
There is often a power struggle going on within marriage and I think it’s a good thing, it’s closely entwined with attraction and desire. However, one thing about men is that they tend to just go into battle mode when they feel as if they are being attacked. They protect, defend, man the battle stations. But that gets really complicated when they feel as if they have to defend themselves against the one they have a desire to love and protect.
So while I think you are 100% right about caring, about the importance of taking your wife’s feelings into consideration, the other half of the equation really requires wives to surrender some things, like the need for control over that glass. Or the need to believe that a hubby should “just get it” and the fact that he doesn’t reads like rejection. We really have to lower our expectations, soften our tone, and let go of some of our need for control.
When husbands die, when wives become widows, what we often do is go about the house seeking evidence of that glass on the sink or piles of socks on the floor. Those are the things we miss the most, the aggravating little things that we used to try to control and rid our world of.
“When husbands die, when wives become widows, what we often do is go about the house seeking evidence of that glass on the sink or piles of socks on the floor. Those are the things we miss the most, the aggravating little things that we used to try to control and rid our world of.”
That’ll stick with me for a long time.
This really got to me too. I’ve been in this situation where it seems like I am constantly battling my husband with dishes, making the bed, keeping clothes off the floor and then I found I need to “soften my tone” because I do know he is a man of pure heart and he really doesn’t understand that one way I show my love towards him is by turning our house into a home. This is a man who works hard, adores me through all my faults, and would step in front of a speeding bullet for me without hesitation. I’ve learned to not be so hard on him and accept his faults as he does mine. Maybe it’s a kind of reverse psychology because I’ve noticed since doing this, he does take more effort for things that do matter to me. When I think there could be life without him, those little things just don’t seem so important.
Thank you for your last post that linked me here. This is just amazing and ditto to your comments. Trust me, I’ve got a few widows in my life and I see that in them. And how they gripped about that glasses and then what????
Insanity, your husband is very much alive, so your “we” is not truthful. Just saying.
My husband is alive and well and I am very blessed. That “we” however is a universal we, we wives, we sisters, really do tend to miss the little things that used to make us crazy.
Interesting perspective. My parents were married for almost 52 years, and one of the things that my mom said, though she grieved DEEPLY, was she at least didn’t have to pick up after him any more.
I’m going to have to take issue with part of this reply. I was married for 15 years when my wife died unexpectedly, and the aggravating little things that bugged me then, I don’t miss in the least. I miss her laughter when it snowed, and pausing the TV show to discuss what we just saw, but I definitely don’t miss the flashes of temper or the insecurity she finally was able to beat. What annoyed me then, would still annoy me now if she were here. And I still wish she were here.
‘But my wife didn’t want to be my mother.’
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Or to leave every decision up to her, and then use that to turn around and blame her because something didn’t flow the way you desired.
Ugh.
I wasn’t perfect. Never aspire to be. But I also never wanted to be the CEO of my family with all the hard decisions and everyone depending on me solely…including my spouse. With no support. And with a retort of how my own faults are not recognized enough when I WOULD ask for something I needed (like not feeling like I was #3 after work and kids). Partnership. That’s all.
“Or to leave every decision up to her…”
This is a lesson married female readers of this blog taught me in the comments section of one of my posts one day.
It’s the very premise of An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 6, which before Vol. 1 took off in Google search results last year, was the most-shared post I’d ever written.
“I never get upset with you about things you do that I don’t like!” men reason, as if their wives are INTENTIONALLY choosing to feel hurt and miserable.” << Is exactly what my husband reasons!! And nothing I say makes him know anything ever so I will be sending him this. For whatever reason it all makes sense when it comes from you. Thanks Matt! I always love reading.
Right. I was dumb.
I thought, because I didn’t bitch and nag about anything she did, that she shouldn’t do it to me.
But that’s not what’s happening. Something is causing her PAIN. Internally. It hurts. And then we tell her she’s wrong and dumb. And then it hurts more.
If our wives made us HURT (like they do when the have an affair or leave us), we absolutely say and do things about it.
I thought I was making an apples-to-apples comparison by projecting my life experience and feelings on her.
Another lesson learned.
Yeah, see, I actually resorted to the tactic of trying to ‘make him hurt’ like I hurt, see if he could somehow understand that way…yeah, that was dumb… Obviously.
This. The importance of not confusing our projections with understanding.
I love this whole post and wish I couldn’t identify with it so strongly. I feel disrespected every day because of these “dishes,” and I want to be a mom, but not to my husband. The inexpressible sentiment I’ve been trying so hard to pinpoint has been nicely illustrated in this post – but I wish that I could change how I feel so that I could be a better wife, but don’t think that would automatically make him a better husband. I think that once I start to compromise my feelings, his natural inclination would be to regress – keep more “dishes” out. And that is a dangerous slope towards living with a quality of life below what I wish for myself. So, who do I bend to – him or me?
Well-established and strongly enforced boundaries should exist before people ever decide to live together.
We’re just all young and ignorant and don’t know what we don’t know, so we do it anyway, not realizing there will be a problem.
I guess the second-best thing is to enforce them after the fact.
Far be it from me to act like I know what’s best for you (I certainly don’t), but if I was your friend and you were just asking me what I thought?
I’d say put energy into being the best wife you can be every day REGARDLESS of what might come from it. At least you were always your best self.
That doesn’t mean compromise values, or be a doormat.
Kind AND firm is a thing. It doesn’t necessarily feel “nice.” But when it’s authentic, it feels fair.
I think you’re allowed to give a lot to your marriage, and drop the hammer if and when he’s failing you.
Marriage is about sacrifice.
But it’s not about misery and subjecting oneself to abuse or neglect.
There’s a line that exists between those two places, and only you can know when it’s been crossed.
Very well said, as always.
I think both sides miss the point of most fights, but I agree that most men don’t realize that we women do equate the dirty clothes lying next to the basket and not IN the basket as a personal reflection of our worth to them. On the same note men do the same thing with sex, if they aren’t getting any it must be because they are not loved or found attractive, and to women we think that’s absurd.
Both sides.
I love that you are bringing awareness through the eyes of a man. Hopefully someone catches on before another family is torn apart
Thank you so much Dawn. I don’t know how much awareness I’m bringing.
But I promise to keep doing my best. Have a great weekend!
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This was EXCELLENT but I’m so sorry you learned the lesson too late. Or is it? My husband and I divorced over a similar thing. I wanted to go to church, he didn’t. Thank God, after we moved states apart, we realized our mistakes, reconciled and remarried!! We’ve blogged about it in the beginning of our blog. We’re now full time RVers, traveling around the southeast as we enjoy our two baby grandsons. We had lived 800 miles away and this was a great solution….
Anyway, I’m going to reblog this and share on social media. I’m passionate about marriages!
Apologies for the delayed response, Debbie. Thank you very much for liking this, for sharing it, and for leaving such a nice comment. I’m passionate about marriages, too. I think it’s really hard on people when they end (harder than most of us talk about), and I view it as being a MUCH BIGGER social problem than society seems to give it credit for.
This is my tiny way of trying to be part of the solution.
Reblogged this on Real life…. and commented:
This is refreshingly WONDERFUL! I’m so passionate about marriages and if only every man read this before he drives his wife to divorce, marriages would be saved….and guess what? It’s a two-way street. He now realizes his wife needed to be respected. But guess what, so do men! Husbands and wives, read this together and examine your marriage….
“Men Are Not Children, Even Though We Behave Like Them”… and when a woman spends all day trying to raise a boy into the man she married, the last thing she feels like, is having sex with the child she just had to remind to do 100 things, like the other kids she is raising. Some things are endearing, are little things we pretend annoy us and become a long term inside joke, but the majority of them become festering ‘issues’ which force us into a state of resentment, where at we first we fight to correct them and later we become indifferent to them or we decide to leave them behind.
All partners require training. Either they haven’t learned enough lessons from their mother before they left home, or they failed to learn it from various relationships as they grew up. Lastly, if they didn’t learn it from the woman who was desperate to stay married to him, then ‘maybe’ he learns it when she leaves and his entire life changes. Then he will be a better man for the next woman in his life because of the training he had from the relationship failure. If he doesn’t learn the lesson and repeats it in future relationships, then he is hopeless. He is un-trainable. And he will continue to hurt the woman that come into his life. Unintentionally, of course. He simply thinks all the women he chooses have the exact same issue instead of thinking that the real issue and common theme, is actually himself.
I’m glad you said that. The sex thing.
So, for men, sex is this really big, important thing. Superficially, they want to get off a lot. Meaningfully, physical sex grows the marital bonds of emotional intimacy inside him in the same ways feeling truly loved, respected, appreciated, validated, etc. (from things like putting the glass in the sink, metaphorically or otherwise) grows the bonds of emotional intimacy within her.
So, when he’s a childish douchebag, and she stops wanting him physically, it starts this chain reaction and unhealthy cycle of pushing one another way through very different means.
He wants to have sex (maybe selfishly, but also because to him that’s the answer to “how do we fix this disconnect we feel?”). And she doesn’t because she needs to feel connected BEFORE doing it.
She wants him to exhibit certain behaviors, like taking care of shit, and taking care of her, and being responsible and respectful because to her, that’s the answer to “how do we fix this disconnect we feel?”)
Both things will help.
But I think in most relationships, neither partner recognizes how important each thing is to the other person.
And certainly in the case of sex, I think the man is often far to ignorant to ever connect this disagreement with his wife, with the fundamental breakdown of his sex life.
What usually follows for undisciplined human beings (which, let’s face it, includes MOST people) ends up being very bad.
More time apart. Porn. Physical and/or emotional affairs. BOOM.
Then it’s all over.
Because one or both members of a relationship couldn’t swallow their pride for five seconds and try to give their spouse the thing they needed.
And I believe that most of the time, neither person ever–even once–thought about human behavior and relationships dynamics on a sciencey level like that.
Because no one ever teaches us.
Then we learn the hard way.
Then we have these conversations in blog comments.
Sad shit.
“I think the man is often far to ignorant to ever connect this disagreement with his wife, with the fundamental breakdown of his sex life.”
You know Matt, this is really true. Well perhaps men are not ignorant per se, but many are very resistant to understanding what has caused the lack of attraction and desire. There are all these myths floating around, women just have low sex drives, women are just mean, crazy, punitive and controlling, etc, etc. Not to be impolite here, but I have often found myself wanting to say to some men, “stop, it’s not all about you, all of the time!” The fact that sex is a symbiotic act with cause and effect going on, often eludes many men. If we could capture the nature of female desire and somehow explain to men how to cultivate it, I think a lot of healing could happen in marriages.
Some men also misspell the word “too.” 😉
Writing this comment got me thinking, so I’m going to post about it soon-ish.
So, this comment… This, THIS is marriage and real and heartbreaking and probably the only reason my marriage is here. I have been married since 17… I am now 38. For 21 years I have grown up with a man who leaves dirty socks on top of the freezer and puts pocketsful of hardware in bowls on the kitchen counter, but he also works unti 10 pm and puts a hand on me every time I walk by. In all honesty, we shouldn’t be able to work together. I love reading and hiking and crafting and scifi and Magic and was the oldest of four. I like scrabble and mismatched china and am far too easily amused. He likes hunting and video games and car audio and woodworking. He’s an only child who grew up well-off and regrets every poor choice he has ever made. We are both intelligent, capable people, but we don’t have much in common–except beautiful children and a ridiculous stubborn streak.
And the combined powers of sex and the “okay, Baby”.
Frequently, it is me that realizes the disconnect is becoming a chasm and that we need time… time to spend in each other’s arms really looking into the soul we are joined to, time to sweat and give and take and hold and release. because I realized very early that sex isn’t a tool or a treat, but the deepest level of foundation to him. Not to say it isn’t fun, or playful or silly, but at the core, it reassures him like nothing else. Me wanting him means I love him and respect him and that he is MAN.
And then, there are the days where I am disgruntled and out of sorts and irritated and yell about glasses by the sink and call him a stupid head and demand he acknowledge that all this is his fault, that I am not crazy, but upset and hurt and the damn socks were IN the freezer this time… And he sees the tears I’m not crying and hears something other than the vitriol I am spewing and says “okay, Baby” and kisses me on the cheek as he puts the glass in the dishwasher( or more in keeping with him, back in the cabinet?). And he means it. it is okay. He gets that I am broken, and need him to put me back together, I need hugs and confirmation that my efforts are seen that my patience and tolerance are great but not infallible and that I NEED to know I am loved…
More good days than bad and great ones sprinkled in… That is marriage success.
I am happy I found you this morning, and appreciate you sharing your journey with the world
“All partners require training…if they didn’t learn it from the woman who was desperate to stay married to him, then ‘maybe’ he learns it when she leaves and his entire life changes.”
I find this section of your comment telling. So are you saying that all partners need training, including women, or are you saying all partners need training, but just the men?
ALL partners require training. Most women have no idea how important sex is to men, to convey an emotional connectedness. It’s their currency. It’s what they aren’t doing with their buddies. Most men don’t analyze or think beyond what’s in front of their noses unless it arises as a distraction from something else.
A relationship is a done deal once you are married because a man had a task to achieve, did it and moved on. Now his task is to pay bills. And/Or be a good father. His list very seldom involves talking to his wife about feelings or their marriage or how much her life has changed since becoming a mother. Not unless she brings it up and forces him to. It’s almost always done under duress or as a result of ‘her’ being upset. Not because he sees a need to maintain anything.
If you put a 25yr shingle on your roof, it doesn’t mean that shingle stays in that new condition for 25yrs then suddenly falls off the roof, rotten. It deteriorates over time. And lots can impact it’s lifespan. The more harsh weather, the more storm damage, the more dramatic the change of weather, the sooner the damage accrues. A 25yr shingle has the ‘potential’ to last 25 years in perfect circumstances.
The same can be said of a marriage. But not many marriages are blessed with perfect conditions. Most have financial and emotional issues, job stress, creating or blending family stress, raising children, dealing with parental loss or tragedies along the way. All of them rip at the fabric of that stability and when added together can contribute to the premature failure of what was once, something solid.
Yet even for women who keep having sex with their partners who are acting like assholes, the problem remains that the man has NO motivation to try and work on ‘their issues. Why should he? He is still getting regular sex and if she was mad at him and had sex with him, then what ever she was mad at has magically disappeared. Again, sex is his currency and the transaction means the end of the deal of her being upset.
If a woman continues to have sex with a man and then tried to discuss their issues afterwards, it confuses him. Because they had sex it means everything should be fine. This means she is simply ‘starting’ another fight. He sees no correlation to the same topic being a continuous thread with a sex break in the middle. So, why is it up to the woman to withhold sex from him, as a motivator to try and get him to listen to her concerns or issues?
On Monday, a woman could say, “If you want to have sex on Wednesday night, then I expect you to talk to me about A,B and C between now and then and I need you to do A and B without being asked.” Wednesday night comes around and he either gets a nice shiny good job sticker or not. And how do you think it makes a woman feel to treat her partner like a 4 year old child with a reward system? Sexy? Lustful? No.
It pisses you off that you have to teach him basic courtesy. The only way a woman ends up having sex with a man like this, is when they are desperate for it and forget to withhold it; which then pisses them off afterwards because all you’ve taught him is to just wait a little longer for sex and he STILL can get away with not talking to you about anything that’s relevant.
And many women are immature and have no idea how to talk to men so they understand what they need. They expect a man to simply ‘know’. How are they to know if they’ve never been taught? Which is why a reasonable person tries to teach them what is needed before they decide to leave. The unfortunate thing is so many men are used to not listening that when his partner does leave, it comes as a total blind sided surprise to him.
Ultimately, in many relationships, one partner is more dominant or mature in the relationship than the other. This is who does most of the leg work for making the relationship work.
Great post. Hindsight can be an effective teacher.
One of its lessons is that smart husbands do not turn their wives into their mothers. Another, that empathy is really difficult, especially with our intimates.
Thank you. And yes. Empathy. An underappreciated word and concept for people in relationships.
Practicing it effectively would seem to me to be the difference between who makes it and who doesn’t.
And I don’t just mean “who stays married.” Because LOTS of miserable people technically stay married.
I mean, who has a meaningful and satisfying marriage that gives life purpose instead of feeling like a chore or prison sentence.
Sometimes leaving an empty glass by the sink is just leaving an empty glass by the sink. It is NOT a three demensional mental chess match on relationship management.
That’s especially true for me. That’s how it always was. I did stuff absentmindedly but was interpreted (incorrectly) as some sort of intentional act of disrespect.
Never the case.
However, and I’ve written this a few other times, the excuse that you ACCIDENTALLY hurt your wife’s feelings only works the first time.
After that? No matter how unintentional or non-malicious something was, if it’s a behavior she told you HURTS, and you didn’t take steps to avoid it, then you’re guilty of neglect.
She’s either insane or a liar, or she’s telling the truth and we owe her four freaking seconds to put the glass in the dishwasher.
I agree it’s not a chess match for most men.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not a crime to not do anything about it.
“After that? No matter how unintentional or non-malicious something was, if it’s a behavior she told you HURTS, and you didn’t take steps to avoid it, then you’re guilty of neglect.”
I disagree with this implicitly. It’s not fair to a husband, wife, child or anybody for that matter to be indirectly upset at someone for a behaviour that has nothing to do with what they are really mad about. That’s called being passive agressive. If you’re mad about something someone has done and continues to do then address THAT issue and not the one you imagine in your head it represents.
The problem I have with your post is that you fall on your sword, do a mea culpa and take the full blame for an outcome of a behaviour that you are only partially to responsible for. Should you have put the metaphorical empty glass in the diswasher instead of by the sink? Yeah, probably. But that doesn’t mean that your metaphorical wife gets a pass for projecting her own insecurities and misperceptions on a simple act of not properly putting away a piece of glassware.
I think you raise fair points. I would never argue that everything wives feel they want or need are gospel truths, and every time a man doesn’t behave as she prefers, he’s somehow in the wrong.
I have a few thoughts. They’re not entirely connected.
1. Wives get things wrong. You may have highlighted one of them. As someone who has no idea what it’s like to be female or a wife, I feel strongly it’s not my place to tell women how to behave. I’m of the opinion that a husband who treats his wife optimally will almost never run into these situations in the first place because she will not have lots of irrational fear and insecurity.
2. RE: treating wives optimally. I understand that dishes are left by sinks, and toilet seats are left up, and loaves of bread are forgotten at the supermarket, and pants are absent-mindedly left on the bed or wherever. And it’s irrational to me to interpret it as a personal affront, or as a deliberate act of disrespect. If it hurts the person we claim to love? And we don’t take steps to adjust behavior? I’m sorry, but that seems callous and petty to me. And frankly, it will end in break up or divorce. Every time.
3. Your point about how shitty and unfair passive-aggressive projecting is, is well taken. But more simply put, not unlike the dish by the sink, it’s not some grand conspiracy to fight with us or to play power grab games. It really just hurts, and then there’s an emotional reaction. I’m TOTALLY OKAY with refusing to be in a partnership with someone who exhibits those behaviors. I think it’s fair and reasonable to break up with someone who demonstrates unhealthy emotional control or whatever.
But, do it BEFORE YOU’RE MARRIED.
Marriage has to matter. Either that, or we need to get rid of it because it causes a shit ton of problems legally and logistically (and spiritually, if that’s part of your life).
I love strong boundaries. I think they make healthy relationships. But they need to be established and enforced during courtship and not retroactively argued for once Til Death Do Us Part vows were exchanged or children were created.
Afterward? Trying to rob our spouses of the right to “feel” as they feel does little more than guarantee a shitty marriage, and eventual divorce. Two things I’d like people to avoid.
…
Thank you for having this conversation.
I think you make excellent points. I don’t disagree with them. But I think maybe I disagree with when and how to apply them.
I tend to agree with you that if certain type of behaviour is a deal breaker for either a man or woman then it should be dealt with prior to marriage, but unfortunately things like passsive agressiveness — in both men and women — doesn’t really surface until a critical crisis highlights the behaviour. I was married for over 16 years, so I have much experience with the give and take of compromise and acceptance of the various pet peeves that people may have with their mate or spouse. There are definitely deal breakers that should be given much consideration in a relationship. I
t’s really the job of both parties the figure out what those values are, but in mind they are things such as trust, respect and honesty. An idiocentric behaviour such as leaving an empty glass by the sink or leaving the toilet seat up is NOT one of those IMO. And associating hidden meanings to unrelated behaviours and getting mad at a spouse for not ‘getting it’ why they are mad about said behaviour is akin to saying ‘I don’t like the way you think because it’s different to way I think. So instead of adapting to your way of thinking I’m going to get mad at you until you change to way I think.’
My now-ex was notorious for this type of behaviour. Many times she would blow up at me for something that I had no idea what. And when I would ask her she would just say ‘You know what you did and why I’m mad about it.’ It was like living in a psyhological minefield and now that I’m out of that nightmare I have vowed that I will never tolerate that type of behaviour again — EVER!
I’m sorry for the emotional abuse you suffered. Psychological minefields are not fun.
I think Matt makes some really good points however. I’m married to a wonderful man, but I accommodate some of his quirks, many of his quirks, because that’s what love compels me to do. Whether he should feel that way or whether or not what he feels is rational, is somewhat irrelevant. The point is to honor and respect what he does feel.
I think this can be challenging for many men because they dont always grasp how important it is for wives to feel as if they are being seen and heard. Not necessarily agreed with, but listened to as if we are actual people. Men tend to think they have to fix things, when in fact, “fixing it” can be as simple as acknowledging that glasses on the edge of the sink make her crazy.
By no means do I claim to have been a perfect husband nor am blame free of the failure of my marriage. There are plenty of things that I did to contribute to the failure and I take full responsibility for my actions, but I disagree emphatically that a ‘most’ marriages fail because a husband fails to give the marriage what it needs to be successful. Marriage is a partnership with mutual responsibilty and blame on both sides of the matrimonial isle. I take issue with the trendy self flagellation many men have taken on various blogs taking the bullet for their failed marriages when in reality both parties have blame in the dissolution of a marriage. To highlight the shortcomings of one side without acknowledging the infuence of the other is disingenuous and false.
Well, here’s the deal with blame. She or he who picks it up, holds all the power. To hand responsibility (blame) off to your spouse, is to hand your own power away. So if I perceive the condition of my own marriage as entirely my responsibility, and it’s failures as entirely my fault, than I’ve got the power to transform and make marriage what I want it to be.
Hubby taught me that long ago, by taking responsibility for things whether they were his fault or not. That example of what it truly means to lead, goes a long way towards softening your spouse’s heart.
Rather then self flagellation, it can actually be an act of empowerment. We cannot change other people, but we can change ourselves, and often changing ourselves, changes the whole story.
Powerfully important and true stuff there. (Also applies to work, team sports, friendships, family dynamics, and every other interpersonal relationship situation imaginable.)
I take no issue with any of that. I trust that you know exactly what you experienced and that you know what you did or didn’t do to contribute positively or negatively.
I, personally believe most (55 percent? 68 percent? 77 percent?) marriages ultimately end because the husband fails to give what needs given to make a marriage healthy and last. (I mean, the marriage ends and view it as being more his fault than hers.)
There MUST be some percentage of failed marriages that are mostly the result of the wife being shittier than the husband.
I’m sorry if you were in one of those.
Here’s what I think I know: For me, I look back and remember all these little moments of conflict. All these “little things” that seemed so inconsequential. And I would fight my ass off in an effort to “win” these little battles because, kind of like you’re saying here, I thought it was bullshit that these things that seemed so inconsequential to me were made out to be these big marriage problems. I thought it was foolish and petty.
I pride myself a pragmatist.
Post-marriage? My little son only being here half the time? The excruciating (and I do mean excruciating) pain of the last year of the broken marriage and first 18-ish months after separating? All the headaches and not-that-fun occasional loneliness? Combined with how selfish and superficial my motivations were for battling her on things like housework or whether I should go play poker?
I think my wrongs were “more wrong” than hers.
And I think millions of other marriages are exactly like mine. And I think many of those guys, their wives and their children will have better lives if they rethink the way they do things and talk to, and treat, one another.
So I write these stories.
I do fall on the sword. And I mostly try to do so without pointing fingers at her. I need to trust smart people to understand that accepting responsibility for their lot in life is always a better path to self-improvement that blaming others for their problems and never searching inward for answers.
According to lots of comments and emails I get, countless wives are smart enough to do that exact thing and rethink how they talk to their husbands.
I probably come off like I think I’m a knowitall much of the time (I promise I know how much I don’t know). But what I really want to be is someone who tells first-person stories so that once in a while, someone who can identify with it might have a better marriage afterward and not take the same path I did.
That’s always been the goal.
I appreciate you trying to keep things in their proper context and fairly assigning blame as you see it.
Nothing like the end of a marriage to teach us what we will and will not tolerate in the next chapter of our lives.
Wish you well, sir.
My spouse is notorious for never putting anything away. ever. It is placed on the nearest flat surface. Of course, it was an issue for me in trying to organize little children and having to clean up after an adult first. It created many battles and he never once changed to putting anything away. All it did was upset me and endanger our toddlers.
When our kids were little, he would leave out the tools he was using when we were doing renovations. On the floor or on the edge of a counter or on a diningroom table. It didn’t matter. He would leave it and walk away, not thinking about the consequences. There were several times I discovered a toddler just as they were about to do something dangerous with something their father had carelessly left out.
The crisis came one day as I came downstairs through the livingroom, stopped to pick up a couple of toys on my way into the kitchen and heard giggling and a cupboard door banging. Coming around the corner I witnessed my 18 month old reaching and stretching as far as possible, up on his little toes so he could reach the handle of the drywall saw that was left on the edge of the kitchen counter.
As it turned end over end and fell down like a hatchet onto my babies head, it nicked his ear and because he was hurt, he flinched to the side and the saw JUST missed his neck to cut into the material of his onesie. To say I was furious with his father was an understatement. However I never said another word about what he left on the counters or floors.
From that day forward and for the next 7 months, I threw anything he left out, into the backyard and eventually under a solid 5 feet of built up snow. When he asked where ‘xx’ was, I’d say “I didn’t use it, you did. Didn’t you put it away?” Over the winter he had to keep buying new tools to replace the ones he couldn’t find. He had to buy new glasses to replace the ones which were lost.
And in the spring, when the snow started to melt, he discovered I hadn’t wasted my time in cleaning up after him and he cleaned up the backyard of his missing items. He was no less angry than I was when he purposefully injured my child by his carelessness. Because in my eyes, that’s what he did. He purposely injured our child. Because he was too lazy, irresponsible, ignorant, selfish…to put things he used away.
Was I being passive aggressive or was I simply responding to an untenable situation, which I could not control or coerce my spouse into behaving in an appropriate manner? We all view situations with the shades of our own past, coloring them.
When I ‘hear’ Matt write, I hear the words I wish had come from my spouse. Words that would have made me love him. Respect him. Want him. There are many people who act like immature idiots in a marriage and that role is not always relegated to the man. Ultimately his blog is entirely about communication. The failure of which lead to many things which he has had to adjust to and as a result grow from.
It takes a remarkable amount of introspection and self awareness to discover that you are accountable and culpable for the demise of a relationship based on the hindsight you have, once it is over. It is a brutally painful process to be that honest with yourself. Not all people can do it and that’s why the end up repeating mistakes.
Spot on !!! Now can we clone you? LOL
But on a more serious note, I always communicated to my husband what it meant for me to “leave the dishes by the sink”. (I’m not sure why women think that you men can read our minds)……But for me, having disabilities makes it very hard for me to expand my energy into doing things (chores or what have you) so I expect some respect when it comes to helping me maintain those chores, etc. If I ask you to not do something, at least have the courtesy to not to do it WHEN YOU SAID YOU WEREN”T GOING TO DO IT. Action vs words is HUGE! That has been our biggest stress and unfortunately I developed Adrenal Fatigue from this stress (my body was already run down from all the car accident injuries so that didn’t help). I eat very well, have recently lost 100 pounds, I go to the gym, but meanwhile, this person (my hubby) was making me sick. He didn’t have that right! That for me was enough for me to want to leave him after all we have been through.
What we have recently discovered is that he is ADD and that is changing everything for the better actually. With ADD, he met almost all the criteria: short attention span, trouble listening carefully to directions, frequently misplaces things, easily distracted, poor listening skills, poor organization, trouble maintaining an organized work/life, easily overwhelmed by tasks of daily living, poor financial management, failure to see other’s needs, trouble with authority, rage outbursts, etc. Such a blessing in disguise really because I thought he was doing these things on purpose! Now I am learning NOT to take these things so personally and we are trying to find the proper tools to work around this.
Who would of known that a “disorder” was the cause of most of our issues? I certainly did not. Sure does make me wonder if it was the cause of my first marriage…..
Hi Jody. Thank you for reading and commenting.
I was married nine years.
I was divorced for two before being diagnosed with ADHD at 36 years old. I always thought it was a fake, made-up thing. Then I read a bunch of stuff (like hard-to-argue-with brain scans from neurologists and other medical experts) that convinced me otherwise.
I do sometimes wonder to what extent some of my poor habits consistent with ADD/ADHD behaviors contributed to her leaving.
I think it was a VERY large contributor. Awareness is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very big deal.
Attention issues aside, being AWARE of how our spouses think and feel — UNDERSTANDING wholly that it’s NOT the same way we think and feel — and really accepting that and respecting it, is, in my estimation, the biggest differentiator between couples who will make it and couples who won’t.
Near as I can tell, a man or woman’s inability or unwillingness to empathize with or respect their partner’s differences (without demanding wholesale change from them) seems to be the thing most likely to break down the relationship over time, and end in divorce.
It seems too simple to let that be the thing that ends so many families. Yet, I believe that’s exactly what’s doing it.
So, I’m just going to keep talking about it and be grateful for the few willing to listen.
Thanks for being part of the conversation.
I totally agree with you! Being aware and understanding, accepting, respecting… And don’t forget to put our gosh darn egos aside! This was my first time finding your site and I look forward to more of your posts (am now reading your past posts with huge interest). Keep it up!! and All my best!
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I’m going through a pretty crappy time in my marriage right now…I’m thinking of leaving.
In my case, it’s not the dishes in the sink–my husband is always good about stuff like that. He ‘respects’ me in that aspect.
Instead, we lack a very important emotional connection that I deeply desire. More so than I desire a clean sink. He doesn’t touch me in a way that makes me feel sexy or desired. When we kiss, it’s these annoying pecks. We don’t go on dates or visit new places. I feel like my wings have been clipped and I’m dying a little bit each day in a way.
Relationships are tough. I am not proud to say it, but because I felt so distant from my partner, I made a great connection with another man who thinks more like me–who sees the world more like I do and I’m really happy when we’re together. I wish I felt like that with my husband. I wish we had more in common and were more deeply connected to each other than we are.
I know he’s hurt and sad. I was hurt and sad for years. I showed it–we talked. I asked him to go to counseling (couples and individual) and he said yes, but never did any research on it. And so now we’re here…
Wishing you the best and sending you lots of self love as you transition to what’s next.
Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing a very personal story.
Your story isn’t particularly unique (and God knows I don’t intend that as an insult or slight of any kind). I just mean, I’ve come to learn that any time we feel voids, we are prone to fill them.
This happens in some form or fashion in virtually every relationship. If it’s not another person, it’s work, or a hobby, or an addiction, or a social life independent of their partner.
To be sure, “dishes by the sink” is a metaphor.
And making ones partner feel loved, desired and cherished, for the purposes of this writing, are totally “dishes.”
Thank you for saying nice things. I hope you and your husband find the healing and understanding necessary to get to wherever you guys want to be in the most-cooperative, least-painful way possible.
I pretty much gagged on your emo dork sensitve-guy breast-beating, dude. And I’m a feminist-sympathizing male, for god’s sake. Oh, your premise is sound enough, mutual respect and trying to understand your spouse’s needs, but your dish-by-the-sink example only left me thinking you need badly to grow a pair, and that you don’t realize how narrow of an escape you made from a harridan that would bail on you over such an inconsequential matter.
Well, gee whiz. Glad you didn’t gag too hard. Thanks for all the helpful feedback. Maybe some day I’ll grow up and be really tough and ballsy, and have killer relationships like yours.
I’m not trying to do a drive-by ass-kicking. You make some valid points about an important topic and your article is well written. I just disagree with your choice of examples…it makes your ex sound like the Wife from Hell and you like a whiny victim. If you were trying to make it sting by painting an irritating picture, you succeeded, but I don’t feel it enhances your argument.
I know I’m not the most gifted and engaging writer in the world and that most people–not just you–don’t read every word, but I don’t believe someone with your vocabulary and education level could read this and actually conclude that I believe my divorce was, literally, the result of dishes being left by the sink.
This post isn’t about me. This post is about men not correlating the little arguments they deem inconsequential with the fundamental breakdown of their relationship.
I hate to sound like such a cocky shithead, but you might want to read it again through the prism of “maybe emo dork guy is right about this” because I’m totally right about this, and these metaphorical dish situations are why we have a marriage failure rate exceeding 50 percent.
I wish it wasn’t true. I wish it was something more complicated.
But it is true. And it’s not complicated.
We want to win fights more than we want to apologize for our unwillingness to bend a little on things our partners tell us hurts them, because we think they’re sensitive and overly critical since we don’t feel as they do at all.
We all think how we feel and experience life is “the way,” and don’t respect people who feel and experience things differently. It just doesn’t make sense to us.
When we let our wives be different than us, and we respect those differences even when we don’t understand and even when they inconvenience us, we all divorce infinitely less often than when we think “well, fuck you then, you naggy shrew.”
Accept that she’s different. Accept that you don’t understand why she thinks and feels differently. Accept that she doesn’t understand why you think and feel differently. Respect those differences and try not to be cocks to one another.
Life is better for all involved when this happens. Especially little kids whose lives get shattered and unsteady when their guardians and primary educators behave like assholes.
I think the culture of marriage in 2016 is in frighteningly bad shape. And I feel obligated to repeat what I know to be true and be happy with the small percentage of people who believe it, make better choices, and don’t ultimately break up their families only to figure out years later with a new partner that this dish-by-the-sink stuff is ALWAYS present, and feel shame and regret for all their childishness and lack of accountability they displayed, all while looking at Instagram photos of their kids on vacation with their new stepdad.
(prime example of people either commenting having not experienced what you have written about OR have habitually made the same mistake over and over again failing to grasp that their failure to grasp a simple premise is the causal effect of why the relationship(s) failed in the first place. I believe without having express knowledge of, Matts’ Balls have grown exponentially since his divorce.
Well, that was a mic drop if ever I saw one. Nicely put responses, Matt.
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As you get older, busier and more tired… A glass by the sink matters less and less. Anyone who pulls the “if you knew me and loved me, I wouldn’t have to tell you.” That’s called a silent contract. How can you live up to it? Agree about consideration and doing small things to enhance each other’s day/lives. Overall, nice twist. Communication, consideration, vulnerability, adventuring together… All good things!
I don’t doubt it. We all gain wisdom and perspective with age and experience.
The glass by the sink is more symbolic than anything. It’s just another item on the “Things Good Men Do That Can Make Them Bad Husbands” list I just made up in my head.
And most things on that list disappear once the lightbulb goes on.
Some men will never agree because they’re as convinced their “way” is as right as I believe mine is.
Some men will never agree because they’re not intellectually capable of it.
And some, when presented with the right information in the right way, will think “Whoa. That makes sense. And since I like being married to my wife, I’m going to do some things I didn’t want to do because making her feel good and not getting divorced seems WAY better than the alternative.”
I don’t care whether men treat their wives good to selfishly stay married and see their kids all the time, or because ACTIVELY loving and respecting their partner is the right thing to do.
Either way works for me.
I just want to see two totally intelligent and sane adults who–without coercion, made a conscious choice to marry one another and live together forever–NOT have it all fall apart because they like a few basic psychological and biological lessons about humanity just like I did.
Thanks for writing, Kimberly.
A friend says his wife left him over a freezer. He had a unique pet that required whole dead animals for food. He had a freezer in the garage just for this, but occasionally, he’d put the animals in the kitchen freezer, because “Meh, it’s the same, I’ll move them later”.
To her it wasn’t the same. He says if he’d known how much it meant to her, he’d have walked the 15 feet to the garage, every time. It’s a little easier for people to relate to a wife being upset about opening the freezer to make dinner & seeing whole, dead animals in there, but it’s the exact same thing as the glass on the counter. Or the seat up. Or or or.
It *feels like* it’s about respect, to the person it’s upsetting.
Living with people is HARD. It’s hard to live with your parents, it’s hard to live with a spouse, it’s hard to live with kids. It’s just hard. It takes work. That doesn’t mean it’s bad, because work isn’t bad. But there’s merit to acknowledging that it’s HARD.
Lastly, I really gained a lot of inner peace when I started looking at these differences between my husband & I as “cultural differences”. I’d never ever be pissed off at someone for eating with chopsticks instead of forks. Or not celebrating a holiday the same way I do. I wouldn’t INTERNALIZE IT the way I internalize the little differences between my husband & I. We’ve been raised differently. We’re different people. We see the world differently. We are each carrying different weight. I piss him off in 100 ways. He upsets me in 100 different ways. We make every effort to bring it down to say, 10 ways, but hey. We make an effort to be less annoying AND ALSO an effort to be less annoyed.
I never feel as stupid as when I’m screaming about glasses or laundry or him making himself something to eat without asking me if I want something, too. Who the hell cares, ya know?
Thanks for this. Thanks for getting the message out there, because most people don’t hear this until it’s too late.
I like how wise, thoughtful and measured this is.
Things can be conceptually simple to understand, and incredibly difficult and complicated to execute.
The infinite number of ways in which people can affect one another makes sharing space and resources with them (even when we love them above all things) a super-hard thing to do.
It’s not complicated to run a marathon.
You just run 26.2 miles. That’s it! That’s all you do. You do ONE activity for a very specific distance, and then you’ve completed a marathon.
EASY!!!!!
But then you’re me who probably can’t run a 5K without heart palpatations, and you try to do this super-simple thing and epically fail and/or die.
Because it’s actually a very difficult thing to do. And everyone who has successfully done so (I’m not one of them) knew it was hard, and took a bunch of steps, and trained and trained and trained and trained to be able to do it.
And so it is with marriage.
People think once it stops feeling easy and romantic that they made a bad partner choice and everything starts to break.
For some reason, NO ONE seems to understand that it WILL get difficult no matter who we’re with.
We can collapse or withdraw or quit the race.
Or we can figure out what needs to be done to successfully finish.
Thanks for the great comment.
Oh & hey. I want to take a minute to throw this idea into the comments. I’d never want to be the husband. You guys carry some really heavy things on your shoulders.
I think back to when we went to a single income, with two kids. There were times when I grocery shopped for the week on $40. The weight of making that work was on me. That’s pretty heavy, figuring out how to feed 4 people on $40 a week. Once, we had $18 until payday. What do you even do with $18?
But I really didn’t carry the weight of being “less of a man” because I wasn’t providing more for my family. Society never once put that kind of weight on me. I had the weight of making it work, but once I left the grocery store, that was done. My husband was the one awake at night, mentally moving every penny, mentally questioning every decision that led us there, mentally weighing what was more vital, mentally worrying he wasn’t a good enough man, father or husband.
I trusted in him & in us as a unit. I knew we’d make it & I knew we’d move on to bigger, better things. I don’t know who he had to trust in to pay the bills. That shit’s heavy.
I don’t like how our current media portrays men as overgrown children. You’re not children. Sure, men have weaknesses, we all do. You’re carrying the weight of a family on your shoulders and that doesn’t get acknowledged & celebrated enough. Nah, we’ll just mock you on sitcoms for being fat & lazy & dumb.
Thank you for this post.
Thank you! I am a woman with a husband in sever depression because he lost his business through no fault of his own… Our society does not make it ok for him, and he is tortured by his “failure”. we have been through so much in the last 21 years, this is the lowest I have ever seen him, and it is all over the provider role!
Thank you, Eryn. I agree. Men are amazing at MANY things, and it would be really nice if women would focus on those and not on the bad stuff, because when we focus on positives and show appreciation for them, it’s a lot easier to talk about the areas that need improvement.
But to be sure, I do not believe men demonstrate proficiency at marriage and relationships. I think there is a “best way” to do most things. And it seems obvious to me that men are NOT doing things even close to “best” in their marriages.
There are several reasons why.
Men kick ass at lots of stuff. They strategize and execute, and often succeed. For reasons I don’t understand, men don’t approach their marriages and families that way.
They don’t sit around and think: “What are the things I can do to become an elite husband and father? How might I show my sons and daughters the path to marital greatness?”
Some people might roll their eyes at that.
But none of them will have felt the agony of every divorcee who didn’t want their marriage to end. It’s SOUL-CRUSHING and totally life-altering.
So, anyone who has been through it, or theoretically values their marriage should get it: Why not take men’s relentless drive for success in business and sports and hobbies and competitive challenges and apply those same skills and amount of energy to marriages, which matter WAY more than all those other things?
#ThingsIWonderAbout
Reblogged this on Just Add Tea and commented:
The main reason for my old fights with the Boy…
Marriage becomes a lot easier when we get over “you” and “me” and look at life as “we”. Selfishness (on one side or both) is the underlying cause of marital trouble. Took us a few years to learn that, but our marriage is much richer and resilient because of it.
I’m happy to hear that. Still-married people are very much the minority when it comes to this blog’s readers and commenters.
Husband gives more than he takes to his wife.
Wife gives more than she takes to her husband.
Both people benefit from the intimacy-enhancing power of unselfishness, and get to feel good about all the “getting” they receive from their partner. They mutually lift one another up. It lasts forever.
I think it’s a great thing everyone interested in marriage should be striving for.
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I’m headed for divorce. It’s not a glass its thousands of dollars gambled away, 50,000!owed to the irs because of not doing taxes. My husband thinks I’m the problem because I’ve begged him not to do this so our family can have a future. I would take the glass by the sink any day but you know the saying every mind is a different world. Funny part is my husbands name is also Matt.
There aren’t a lot of divorce stories out there I can’t relate to, but you may have just introduced me to one.
I’m speechless.
I’m really big on advocating people to stick it out and work on ways to improve their relationships. With something like this, I refrain from saying so.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I wish there was more than a not-helpful apology in a blog comment I could do to help.
Best wishes to you and your family.
When I found the quote “You must live in such a way that the person you love feels free” it was a moment of enormous realization to me. Trying to live this type of love has changed my relationship for the better. Both of us treat eachother with respect and realize we are seperate individuals with seperate views. This sets up healthy boundaries that has made such a difference in what is important in our relationship. I just don’t think love has to be so complex as many people think it is.
Oops, the quote is “You must LOVE in such a way that the person you love feels free” – Tich Naht Hanh
I guess live and love are a little interchangeable here 🙂
Agreed. 🙂 Interchangable.
I like it. I’m glad you used the word “boundaries.” Lots of people don’t know what that means, and don’t realize how not having them is sending them down the painful and frustratnig path of divorce.
Boundaries. Strong ones. Supplemented by kindness. Not wimpyness. Fair, just, kindness.
Changes the world.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
As someone who isn’t divorced but still going through the same thing in my relationship it was nice to read this. I shared it with my husband, and I think it helped bridge the conversation he and I have been having over and over again. It really helped to see both sides of the issue laid out.
Thank you.
Hi Sara. Awesome to read that. Thank you so much for reading it and saying so.
Most of the things I write get affirmed by ex-wives who divorced guys just like me, or get challenged by formerly married or still-married guys who don’t want to change because they don’t think they should have to.
It’s really gratifying to read about an active relationships where something I wrote could be a conversation starter and maybe help someone see things a little differently.
Perspective. Seems like such a teeny, tiny little thing. But it’s very much not.
Thank you again for the note!
What a great article! You have eloquently explained what I have been trying to communicate to my husband. It’s not about the towels on the floor, the glass by the sink, or the lawn we (wives) have been asking for weeks to have mowed. It’s about how we feel everytime we see that glass, towel or Un-mowed loan. It’s about how what we feel for our partners, changes when we are confronted by a re-occurring issue. It’s about the unspoken message left on the sink, floor or yard.
We know that respect is important to our husbands and we want to give it. But it’s hard to do sometimes when we are confronted with evidence (glass, towel, loan etc) that we are not important, and that things that hurt or upset us are not worthy of attention. The glass says we are not worthy of consideration and our feelings are trivial and not respected. This realization starts to alienate us from our partners.
When we start to feel like we don’t have a partner but another child, respect and feeling of security, starts to fade quickly. But through this, we are desperately hoping we will be proved wrong, and are looking for any other “evidence” that is contrary to what we are seeing and feeling. Because we do want to, love, respect and honour our husbands.
Crushed it. You succintly summed it up perfectly.
The problem, as I see it, lies with all the guys who hear what you’re saying, but tell you that you’re wrong.
He loves and respects you, he thinks. So you saying you feel like he doesn’t is challenging his integrity. Especially over something he perceives as petty.
For him: Mowing the lawn < Peaceful marriage
You elevating the unmowed lawn to a problem so big that it's threatening the marriage feels INSANE and UPSETTING to a man who doesn't agree that an unmowed lawn warrants your feelings.
He doesn't feel that way about stuff. So you shouldn't either, he reasons.
He's "right." So, you're "wrong," and he doesn't have to change, ever.
Men have a VERY hard time with this. I sure did.
We have to remove our perceptions and experiences from the entire conversation, and simply accept that the things you say you feel are true.
We need to believe you.
When we BELIEVE that we are legitimately hurting you, we stop doing things to hurt you, because we never want you to feel hurt.
It's somehow amazingly simple and insanely complicated all at the same time.
Thank you for the nice comment.
This is really skirting around a more central issue of each partner having expectations for the other which are seldom spoken about and even less frequently open for negotiation. A partner should not automatically have to adopt the standards of the more-tidy or less-tidy member of the relationship. Tidiness does not break cleanly across sex and gender lines, either.
Your blog seems to boil down to simply change your habits and expectations to please your partner.
I better path might be to discuss and negotiate expectations with your partner and if you both agree on the goal, then change your habits to achieve that goal. The difference is that this is now your goal, too, not one imposed on you from some partner’s authority.
If your tidiness levels and goals are incompatible with those of your partner, perhaps you were too hasty in your partnership. Perhaps you are both happier now apart than you ever would have been together.
This is so true, and it applies both ways. I think what it comes down to is knowing that you are sharing living space, and everyone has those little thing that grate on the nerves. Knowing and respecting your partner enough to make those little stressors go away is critical to long-term success. My husband tries not to leave a pile of crumpled receipts on his nightstand and I look the other way regarding his messy desk. It’s give and take, and knowing that some things are important to the other person, even if it doesn’t make a lick of sense to you.
This was so on point I had to go check the byline to make sure you weren’t my ex-husband having a divine realization.
Thank you for this article. You’ve hit the nail on the head about why so many men are blindsided by a “sudden desire” from their wife for a divorce. They didn’t see the hurt and anger building because the things she was upset about seemed so trivial. I have an ex (duh) who refused to help with the ickier housework — toilets, tubs, floors, etc. His argument was that he didn’t like doing it. My response that “neither did I” didn’t seem to click with him. If I didn’t do it, it didn’t get done. But each time I relented and did all the “icky” jobs the resentment built. His not liking to do it was more important to him than sharing in the icky work so neither of us had to do it all.
Women (in general) do care more about the house than men. There are exceptions, of course, but the majority care more. So the glass by the sink, the refusal to clean a toilet, whatever, really does feel like a personal attack, and a clear representation (in our minds) of the lack of respect and value from our partner.
My husband of 27 years gets it. He mops all the floors, vacuums, and scoops the litter boxes. I scrub the bathrooms and kitchen and dust all the furniture. We both have icky jobs. And we both share in all the jobs. And we’re both pretty content and happy.
I’m glad this story had a happy ending. 27 years is awesome. And indicative of learning from experience.
I hope I can do the same.
This article is written from the perspective that men fail in regards to doing “meaningless” tasks about what a woman finds to be important to her. However, it fails to acknowledge that women also can and do fail in this way. As a stay at home father who does most of the housework including laundry, dishes, etc, I am often disappointed to find when my significant other piles dishes in the sink or leaves laundry laying everywhere waiting for me to walk the entire house and put things where they go. Replacing lids to toothpaste, cosmetics, hanging coats, putting toilet paper on the roll, the list goes on and on. It is aggravating and disappointing. And although I communicate about how disrespected it makes me feel or stresses me out, it hasn’t changed. I have basically accepted it for the betterment of our relationship and because we have children together. Also because there are other things she does well to contribute to the relationship. I often wonder if I’m making the right decision rather than trying to continue to force her to see my perspective. I just want to point out that it isn’t always men who fail in this regard. Women are just as guilty.
Fair point, sir.
I believe VERY strongly in the science of genetic gender differences and believe they’re ignored or overlooked at the peril of most marriages.
However, this “dishes by the sink” thing (which is really mostly a metaphor) is likely much more cultural than a byproduct of the presence or absence of Y chromosomes.
I write with both hyperbole and sweeping generalizations. I promise I’m aware that there are few absolutes, and that ALL men (even those in more traditional roles) are not negligent, selfish, irresponsible or lack understanding of the needs of their wives/girlfriends.
But make no mistake: MOST of the time, this is dead on, and MOST of the shitty divorce rate in this country is a byproduct of this truth.
I’ve been writing about this stuff for nearly three years. It’s been affirmed by a trillion (hyperbole!) married people, and punctuated by this particular post which is getting shared far and wide on Facebook by every single wife who’s feeling “Yes, dammit! This! This is what I’ve been talking about!”
It makes sense that, in your case, you feel the exact same way. Walking a mile in their shoes, so to speak.
I apologize (seriously) for being so man- and husband-focused, but this is what I ALWAYS do.
I won’t pretend to understand how wives and women feel. Because I have no idea what it’s like to be them. Only me.
So I write for “guys like me.”
We can do better. We MUST do better. Because the state of marriage is getting worse, not better, and as the population grows, all the shittiness gets magnified and multiplied.
This is how I try to help.
Thanks for reading.
Great insight. I think men feel similarly about lack of respect from their wives in other areas. Women just express it differently (in general), men express their actual frustration with what is not being done and equate it with disrespecting their desires (whether it be a clean house, laundry, back up when disciplining a child, or asking for help on a project important to them) where women address just the item that they equate to disrespect (not the actual feelings of disrespect).
Men need to better understand how their wife’s FEEL, but in turn I think woman can improve on how their husbands THINK. Communication works both ways.
Great article and something all husbands should read and DISCUSS with their wives.
I feel that this is very true but as women there are times that we allow the fears that we have get in the way of our relationships. My father hates folding and putting away his socks, undershirts, and underwear. They have sat in a laundry basket for as long as I can remember. The go from there to on his body, to the hamper, the wash, to that basket, never once seeing the drawer they are supposed to be in when not in use. This drove my mother nuts for years. And for all the reasons listed in this piece. I remember a lot of fights over this one stupid basket of laundry. I mean knock down drag out fights. My mother put all the rest of his laundry away and just needed him to do this one thing and he refused. He hates folding things. He would rather do something else with the 10mins it would take to fold things. She didn’t feel respected. He didn’t understand why it bothered her so much. He would eventually put them away when she would nag him enough. Then one magical day my mother had and epiphany. He wasn’t doing this because he didn’t respect her. He was just lazy. The house was his house too. She could deal with one laundry basket of clothes in an otherwise spotless house (my mother is a huge neat freak). She realized this fight was about her fears. Her insecurities. My dad did and does a lot to prove he loves her, so why was this basket showing the opposite. It was because of her own irrationality. Her own fears and emotions getting the best of her. She realized she was actually creating the issue and she let it go. My dad still has it sitting full in the corner of their room. She knows my dad loves and respects her. Those little things that irritate her to no end that he won’t do, do not mean that he doesn’t respect her anymore. My mom told me this story and about how she overcame this patch in her marriage. She told me, as women we let how we feel dictate things sometimes and when we don’t take the time to rationalize things and make concessions to our partners the relationship is doomed for failure. We have a tendency to put everything on our partners, male and otherwise. We need to realized, that in an otherwise healthy relationship, those little things don’t mean he doesn’t respect us. Our chokehold on these little things may actually mean that we don’t respect that our partners a human and flawed. If he does most of what is asked, helps with most chores, the kids and has a tendency to leave a glass by the sink or laundry in a basket, let it go. He loves you. He respects you. He just human. I’m sure you do things he can’t stand. But does he nag you about it? Probably not. Because you’re human.
Great points and nice insights into the woman’s mind and feelings. Much of what you said is true and also linked with a woman’s insecurities and need for validation. We want proof, daily, that you love us. (There, I said it, I am a woman!) I too, have had these same demands from my partner(s) over the years. But thankfully, I have grown up! I learned a few hard lessons from failed relationships way before I ever got married.
One more point I would like to add, though someone mentioned it above in a positive light (when I believe it is much more ominous!) is competition. Competition is NOT good in the relationship no matter how much it fuels the passion or attractiveness! It is my opinion instead that it is the TEAM mentality which benefits everyone. When you take the “win” out of every situation and option and instead balance it on the group gaining, you are both focused on getting it ALL done! It isn’t about that one glass, but about being more efficient in getting the chores done together. You do feel valued, appreciated, respected when you can see the other person taking those steps to make your life (and theirs) easier. When you work together, it becomes really HARD to find something to nag about. You see the trash is full and you say to yourself, as soon as I throw this waste away after lunch, I am going to take it out. But while you are still eating, you see him empty and take out the trash. Now, you look around thinking, that was really awesome, HOW CAN I HELP HIM? You both are always looking for ways to make THEIR lives better, easier, being more kind to each other… isn’t that what love really is? Marriage only lasts when you are willing to value each other. If you are only worried about your own happiness, you (and your marriage) will eventually fail. No one can go on forever without any sustenance. But when She puts His needs first, and He puts Her needs first, no one is ever NOT getting their needs met. You take care of each other. That is a marriage. That is how you make it successful. No one wins… you both do!
“No one wins… you both do!”
A point SORELY missed by all the battling of the sexes nonsense being thrown around in these comments.
OF COURSE men shouldn’t do whatever their wives want like a bunch of man-slave patsies.
When wives feel loved and secure on account of things like dishes being reliable put in the dishwasher, they DON’T “nag” or “bitch” or “demand” or whatever.
That’s the big argument from the Man crowd: “If you put the glass away, she’ll just find a new thing to complain about!,” totally missing the point that all of their wives’ behaviors they wish would go away WOULD go way if they’d just understand what we’re talking about right here.
You can lead a horse to water, and all that.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Due to certain issues, and having learned that men communicate differently, I work at helping my husband understand the whys of my requests. Using the glass as an example:
Me: *after asking him a dozen times not to do it* Dearest? Why do you keep leaving the glass by the sink when I asked you not to?
Him: *explanation given*
Me: I see…
At this point I can either let the matter go if minor, offer a compromise if medium (could you put it on the other side so there’s less risk of knocking it over and breaking it?) or explain why I would be happier if he puts the damn glass in the dishwasher.
I’ve only had to go on to say “see, when you ignore my requests it feels like you’re silently saying ‘FUCK your feelings, I’ll do what I want’,” four or five times in eight years of marriage.
So far, so good. Now if he would just TELL me things instead of letting resentment fester, I could work on my own shortcomings…
Very good article. I explain it like this, If you care for your partner, care for the things they care about. Don’t belittle their (to you) inane passion for collecting troll dolls or call them stupid for crying over a movie. Don’t sigh over your partner gushing about baseball or car racing. You only need to care about them and that whatever it is that to them, should be met with consideration from you.
I have an example: my ex husband liked the toilet paper hung s certain way on the roll. He didn’t make demands, just mentioned it once in conversation. From that day on I hung it the way he liked because I knew it mattered to him. I couldn’t care less which way it hung and thought it was silly to think about something like that, but it mattered to him. He never told me to or asked me to, I choose to do it the way he liked because I cared for him.
If you cherish the person you are with it should make you feel good to see them not stressing over small stuff.
“If you care for your partner, care for the things they care about.”
Exactly that.
But I don’t even think we need to go that far. Because, as I wrote, I CAN’T care about the glass by the sink. I can’t care about what happens on some TV show she likes that I don’t.
(I realize this is semantics, by the way…) But if we can just CARE that she cares, everything gets better overnight.
Here’s a thing. I don’t care. But she does. I DO care about her. So I’m going to respect this thing.
It IS really challenging to do sometimes.
But I’m having trouble determining why the concept seems so difficult for people to grasp.
Thanks for the comment.
Alpha Fucks Beta Bucks. You dodged a bullet
Right, right. Red pills and all that shit.
I’ve got bad news.
Red pill swallowers die alone, probably with herpes.
You’re in your mid-20s, right? And you think Rollo and Mystery are big studs who have it all figured out?
They have SOME things figured out.
But certainly not how to have someone there to keep you company and go to the doctor’s office with you when you’re 75 with liver spots and ugly toe nails.
Do you have any idea what your life expectancy is?
9 out of 10 adults get married. This is a fact. Trying to play the I’m a Man and You’re a Stupid Woman Out to Get Me card GUARANTEES 8 out of 10 of those will fail. With the anomaly being some boundary-less doormat wife I couldn’t stand to be around for 30 seconds.
Your way is perfectly fine for having lots of sex in your 20s and 30s, and maybe even 40s.
It’s also the way that makes marriages fail even MORE than they already do.
Good luck in 40 years, kid. Jerking the limp herpy stick to virtual reality porn and wondering what the hell you just invested your best years believing in with no discernible return on investment.
But I do wish you well.
This is very insightful and eloquent. As you said, should be training material pre-marriage, or at the very least post-divorce. I doubt most people who divorce spend the time trying to figure out what went wrong or how they could have done things differently. I found the comments interesting too…someone said it was a power struggle – I see it more of a balance – most days you both have good moments and you both have bad moments. As long as you both are still trying, they should come out about equal or hopefully with good outweighing the bad. It’s when the “bad” starts outweighing the good that we run into trouble. And the bad is different for everyone – for some it’s the glass, for some it’s the laundry, but it’s when it’s the glass AND the laundry AND the whatever all the time that things probably will run into trouble.
Oh and every single person should read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, explains a lot about how the other gender thinks
With all due respect to Dr. Gray, this is the book that helped me get it for the first time, and the one I most recommend to anyone who feels like their marriage is falling apart and are desperately searching for ways to make it better:
http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453551461&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+improve+your+marriage+without+talking+about+it
THIS was the best part of the whole article, IMO:
~~But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.
Men Can Do Things
Men invented heavy machines that can fly in the air reliably and safely. Men proved the heliocentric model of the solar system, establishing that the Earth orbits the Sun. Men design and build skyscrapers, and take hearts and other human organs from dead people and replace the corresponding failing organs inside of living people, and then those people stay alive afterward. Which is insane.
Men are totally good at stuff.
Men are perfectly capable of doing a lot of these things our wives complain about. What we are not good at is being psychic, or accurately predicting how our wives might feel about any given thing because male and female emotional responses tend to differ pretty dramatically.~~
I used to have a husband that didn’t have any desire to be the leader in our family. The sad thing is, I deliberately chose my ex-husband because I had control issues at that time in my life, (he was six years younger than I) and I wanted, AND NEEDED to lead! But when I matured in the faith and Yah began to change me, and I asked him to lead, he did not want to or even know how. I grew to disrespect him, which really wasn’t fair.
My husband now? He wants to be the leader in our home, in every area, especially spiritually (he’s six years older than I am). I’m thrilled! His nature is to be kind, patient, gentle, diplomatic, etc., so right now we’re developing strategies on helping him to be more of a bossy butt. LOL Every day, he’s TELLING ME to do three things, minimum. It goes against everything in his nature to tell me to do anything, but he’s doing it! He knows it’s important, and it’s a growth process, but I hope one day he can order me around and not think twice. I know I don’t need to worry about him getting carried away with his He-Man role- we already have a great deal of respect, love, trust and devotion in place. And honestly, this is a turn-on! I want my husband in control and leading our home! It’s masculine and sexy to have a man know what he wants, and then tells you what he wants done and how. Am I into any kind of kink or weird stuff? HECK NO! LOL People who know me IRL will tell you I’m a strong personality. I’m not weak! I just enjoy having a man I can respect for a change! Carnal, selfish, rebellious feminists who want control and to lead are the weak ones! Domineering, selfish, unfeeling, harsh and hateful men are weak, too, as well as the limp-wristed, soft, weak, docile, unmotivated, lazy, and unambitious mama’s boys! Ick!
Here’s to strong men and women! May we bring glory to Yah, walking in unity of step, Yah ordained order and shalom!
This is a great article. But I think for most people (or at least for me) it doesn’t (didn’t) boil down to a single issue, like the cleaning of dishes, but a whole pattern of behaviors that collectively communicate immaturity and entitlement. It was the dishes, the laundry, the child care, the making of meals, the timeliness, the filing of the mail, the paying of the bills, and all kinds of other things that responsible adults do. I think that’s what you meant about managing your time and taking responsibility for things. Those 4 seconds of putting the dish away for your partner, time and time again, add up.
If it were just one thing, like “my partner is really bad about remembering to put his socks in the laundry after taking them off,” then I could work together with him on that, or learn to live with it, in the spirit of compromise. But when it’s a million things, you eventually decide this won’t work.
For me, it wasn’t so much about cleanliness, per se, as it was about inequitable division of labor and time. My partner would spend 30 minutes on dishes, think it was enough, then go off and have fun, while I spent at least 2 hours every night cleaning things up (after an 8-hour work day). That he didn’t even notice that I was working while he was playing was infuriating to me. That he made lame excuses when I said, “hey, I’m working and you’re playing, this isn’t fair” was infuriating to me. That I had to tell him the above sentence every f-ing night just got to be too much.
Matt,
Someone posted this on Facebook and I’ve been engrossed reading it and the comments since. I made it 26 years before I couldn’t take it anymore. Yes, it’s a huge feeling of disrespect, but possibly more so for those of us who’s Love Language is Acts of Service. My sister doesn’t let these things bother her in her marriage much because she has Gift Giving as her primary, and he’s certainly got that covered!
Yes, I know it is just metaphor, but for those who read this and think, “But I did all that stuff! She was the one who was messy (or whatever)” it really comes down to loving people the way they need to be loved.. not the way we want to love them.
Just my 2 cents worth. Thank you, thank you for this post. I am excited to read more of your writings! =)
My wife sent me this article after she got done reading it(even stated she’s not implying anything just thought it was an interesting read).
We both discussed it and feel we have to respectfully disagree with the main point or what we feel is the main point, that even if you don’t understand you must bend to the requests of your SO. You must do what they ask no matter what, even if you don’t understand. We cannot get behind this way of thinking, because we both feel understanding is the MOST important part of our relationship. I used to leave wet towels after showering on the bed, I no longer do because she complained a couple 100 times and 1 day I just asked why. She stated she doesn’t want the towel to cause mildew on the bed, so I no longer leave the towel on the bed because I understand her reasoning behind it. However, there is no reasoning behind your Ex-wife’s want for you to not put the glass outside the side of the sink, you have very valid reasons behind not wanting to put it in the sink, the only one necessary, that you could use it later. That’s a perfectly valid reason on why you do it, why dirty a 2nd glass when I can reuse this one in 30 minutes, or an hour? It’s all about give and take and she was not giving any in this situation. She wasn’t listening to your reasoning which is perfectly valid so of course her non valid reasoning is not going to get any credit, I don’t find it to be your fault that she supported a non-valid reason. Why do you have to bend to her, when she could just as easily bend to you? We feel you had every right to argue and fight for your stance and if she wanted to bring it to a marital standpoint then we are honestly happy to see that you two have separated as it seems to be for the better.
That is NOT what the article says at all. I’d be curious which of you brought that up first. But if something trivial matters a lot to your partner, why not just do it? It costs you nothing but a few seconds. She may not even know why the glass bothers her so much. Maybe she was spanked frequently for doing so. Who knows? What is wrong with simply making your partner feel better when the way to do that is so very simple?
NO!
Anyone can justify their actions with a million reasons and they are all to cover the fact that the person is being lazy and does not care. It may be fine not to care if you live on your own but it is disrespectful if you are living with someone else. If your partner is OCD that is a different matter (so long as you make an effort). Clear your plate from the table, wash up immediately, put your clothes somewhere approximating the hamper…or someone else has to do it!
I am an untidy by nature female but I know I must clean up behind myself.
I think if you don’t have a problem cleaning up after yourself, or if you are a messy person it’s not a problem (because living in filth isn’t a problem to you)… When you love someone and they have a problem with a messy you help the person with their problem (even though you’re the one that’s messy) because you love them. If you’re not willing to help people with their problems then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. People also need to accept their partners as they are and not try to change them but lift them up constantly. No one is perfect. Everyone has different pet peeves. We need to learn to let things go and pick our battles and how to effectively communicate and how to listen… how to really listen to each other.
You may hear the words but do you hear the intention? Where they are coming from? Chances are they just love you and have really good intentions behind their words and actions…
If you read through this at all it’s not about that fucking one instance. I doubt your wife and you talked about this or she’d have pointed that out because most married women have to deal with obtuse, selfish husbands who expect women to think like men, “wait” for her to start doing that, hurt/frustrate her in the process, and also want to have sex. Wrong. You’re not fooling anyone. If you want to have an interesting sex life (and have a happy marriage overall) you have to stop lying to yourself that you’re the only one that gets what you want and grow the fuck up. There’s nothing wrong with putting a damn dish in the dishwasher, or whatever. Stop being lazy. Stop being a waste of breath. Don’t make your wife, or any person of any gender, have to tell you not to leave your gross fucking wet towel on the bed, or help keep your own house clean, your mind clear, your dick faithful, etc. Lazy asshole. Hopefully you soon learn to be a mature adult who doesn’t treat the world like it owes him something before she leaves you alone with your Vaseline and meaningless existence.
I refuse to fuel the fire of your rudeness. This is my opinionand it’s unfathomable that you’d sit here and attack me and calling me a liar. Please check yourself before talking so poorly about someone else. Also my wife said fuck off.
Hey Donovan. This is my fault, and I’m sorry. While I’m no fan of censorship, I’m also not a fan of treating one another like dicks.
I’m super-grateful you and your wife read this, discussed it, and then you took time out of your life to contribute to the bigger conversation.
I don’t necessarily agree with some of it, as you certainly don’t with me, but I promise I care about what you have to say.
There won’t be any more name-calling, and I’m sorry I allowed it to happen in the first place.
Comments are coming in at a rate I’ve never seen before, and I thoughtlessly approved one I shouldn’t have. I’m going to let it ride so there is context for this conversation.
But, one more time, I’m sorry I let personal attacks slip through. The only person I allow personal attacks on around here is me.
Thanks again for contributing.
It’s a very flattering and humbling experience to see so many people talking about their relationships because of this post.
Matt. I completely respect you. And it even took me awhile to find my comment because there are so many. I understand your blog post. We even agree to a lot posted however of course every relationship is different. Your reasonings and choices above would just never work between me and my wife. My wife loves reading your blog and sends me the ones she really enjoys from time to time. Please I encourage you never to accept that attacks on you as that’s just disgusting behavior. My wife and I want to say thank you so much for commenting and making us feel justified on how we choose to feel. We look forward to reading your future posts.
Awesome of you to say so. Thank you very much.
This is NOT about just the “one glass by the sink.” If we are talking about dishes, there’s usually a glass left somewhere else — say in the bedroom. There’s clothes left on the floor instead of in the hamper. The trash isn’t taken out, etc.
Now look at it as a metaphor (the bigger picture). Your relationship is this “house” with the glass in the kitchen, the glass in the bedroom, the clothes on the floor and stinky trash not being dealt with. It’s doomed to fail if it stays this way.
From experience I know people are usually clean or not so clean. More than likely, if there’s one glass in the kitchen, then there’s also some trash lying around the house (or relationship) that isn’t being dealt with – all over a matter of pride.
I’ll leave a cup on the counter to reuse it, yes but when I leave for work, it at least goes in the sink. I don’t know what the pets do when I’m not around and I certainly don’t want to drink after them!
My husband has said to me more than once “it’s just not as important to me as it is to you.” He understands the reason why, but it’s just not important to him (whatever is the issue at the time). That is hurtful to me. He’s saying “I know you care about this but I don’t.” I think that’s the message of this article. You may not understand why or agree that it is important but if it’s a simple thing, what’s wrong with just doing it?
Maybe another way to think about it: you spent an 8 hour day (or more) doing whatever work you do. You worked hard. It’s just the way you need it to be to keep everything flowing along and productive. Now, someone comes along and undoes your work. They have some reason or other why they feel they can undo your work. It may even be a valid reason TO THEM. But it doesn’t alter the fact that you are the one who put in all that effort and this person, thinking solely about his or her need, feels that your effort shouldn’t interfere with how he prefers it done. And by not taking that effort into consideration, you are showing incredible disregard for that person.
However, if the example set forth here is what you wish to dwell on, offer a compromise, put the glass in the dishwasher and, should you still want to use it, pull it back out. How’s that work for you?
I think making your spouse justify all of their feelings and needs in a way that you understand is really shallow and unloving. Emotions aren’t always rational, but they can be overwhelming. I do not understand why my husband loves building model airplanes. To me, it is the most boring activity in the universe. I don’t understand why he would want to spend our money on this hobby or why I have to give up space in our home to accommodate it. But you know what? It clearly is important to him, so we do spend the money and use the space. That’s what love is. My husband and I both have phobias that the other doesn’t understand. I can tell him all day long that his chances of dying in a car crash are much higher than his chances of dying in a plane crash. But when the plane takes off you bet I’m holding his hand and treating him kindly. Of course you don’t have to bend to EVERYTHING your spouse wants but what I usually see in situations like the one above is one partner doing all the bending and the other hiding behind their “logic” in order to avoid compromising a thing. It gets tiring. And it kills love.
It wasn’t about the dishes by the sink. As the author of this article as clearly stated, it was the fact that his wife didn’t feel respected and valued. I agree it’s definitely a give and receive both ways in a relationship for sure but maybe she did give? We don’t know it doesn’t say much about what annoyed him about things she did that he felt disrespected about either.
I’d just like to say I hear reasoning like his (for the empty glass) everyday and it’s often not as reasonable as you think. I’ve asked why the milk has been left out, response is ‘I’m still using it’, it’s been sat on the side for 3 days, and he doesn’t even realise! I think the glass is a metaphor for all those niggling things which when repetedly done shows a lack of respect for those you live with. I did notice that the article gives no reason as to why the wife was so upset about the glass, I guess he never asked so there could have been a perfectly reasonable reason as to why.
I can see what the two long term married guys are saying but I also see and have felt what you wrote about. I realized with men, crying or yelling and telling them you don’t feel respected doesn’t get you as far as telling them with out emotional intensity. I don’t know what it is but if you cry or yell they seem to actually hear you less. I think you are either being wrote off as a crazy irrational woman or they jump to just saying I’m sorry without actually listening. Being rational vs manipulative sets up for both parties actually getting what they want. Often this manipulation seems to be subconscious, as the person (often woman) doesn’t realize that her real feeling are to be respected. In the same regard, I see what those two gentle men are arguing. That these things will happen in all relationships and you can’t let this shit be what ends it. It means you both need to work on communication and mindfulness. Period. If the spouse who is not giving as much respect/appreciation could understand and empethize they would try some more methods to make spouse #2 feel that way (the dish may still never get put away but people show love and appreciation different ways). If they don’t, then they are a special breed of asshole. My husband still leaves his crap about, the difference is he no longer says “it doesn’t bother me why does it you?” He says “I’m sorry, you’re right”, and then deals with it st some point throught the day (if I don’t feel like doing it for him I pile it together and place it on his desk). Or if I just do it for him anyways, I don’t resent it anymore but I do tell him that I did it, he thanks me, and we move on. We have had some big arguments in out 10 years but we always take time to actually talk about it and the deeper emotions at play.
I agree with you that tears backfire most of the time. I learnt that my husband is very invested in our relationship and when I complain or cry, he feels like a failure and shuts down. Somebody said they wrote emails when they’re upset – I can see why that would work. As for the glass mattering or not, we had to go to marriage therapy a few years back to talk about silly things that mattered a great deal, but it wasn’t the same things for me as for him. That wanting respect and expecting him to show he cared by not purposefully doing stuff he knew annoyed me was a big one for me, while he was saying he was showing he cared all the time but he thought I never noticed. Communication, people!!! Once we had a breakthrough on how the other’s brain worked (aka our individual perspectives), nothing was easier than just choosing to be loving. Must be working; we’ve been married 21 years! I hope a lot of people read this man’s story before they get to the point of no-return. Marriage isn’t a lump-sum investment; you need to keep the account active for it to yield returns!!!
Oh gods yes. My husband has learned that the calmer and quieter I get when I’m talking to him, the angrier I am. It’s a learned behavior for me, but it gets MUCH better results in terms of him actually listening to what I’m saying.
Good article! I always saw my husbands ‘glass’ as meaning ‘you can do this for me’. It made me resentful even though I tried to view putting things away as an act of love for my family.
YES! Me too. Always. Same with laundry on the floor, facial hair in the bathroom sink, dishes on the living room table etc. Trying hard to keep the same loving attitude.
Agree Karen. I have the same issue that even when I specifically ask him to do little chores when he’s off and I’m at work – like just load the dishwasher sometime during the day or just tidy up the living room a bit that day or something – and he doesn’t do it and then acts put out that he has to live in a messy house for however many years… well that’s damn disrespectful to me and it makes me so angry because it shows me what he thinks my role is in the relationship. We just had a big fight about it a few days ago actually.
Reblogged this on twopowers1 and commented:
In any relationship, respect is the name of the game.
Dude.
These lines here:
“But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.”
Basically sum up everything that I’m feeling right now, that’s what I’ve been trying to convey to someone but they don’t seem to understand it this way. This is it.
Thanks for putting it into words!
YES! The ex-husband was a horrible slob, and a very self-centered, immature person. My current wonderful, long-term guy is also very messy, but he is so generous, very thoughtful, always doing special “little things” for me and my dogs. Funny how it’s now a pleasure to tidy up after him, it no longer enrages me to do it. I do see him make the effort to be “neater” and it slays me every time. On the flip side, we challenge each other: he encourages me to do things just outside my comfort zone, and vice versa. i.e.: He makes me eat more / new vegetables, I nudge him to bill his clients at full value, instead of always less. In a word..? Partnership.
I see myself often in the “this is just not a big deal” category described here. So what happens when your spouse has not just one thing but she has a couple dozen things and if you actually tried to keep up with them all you wouldn’t have any time for yourself? Yet, she does say, if I don’t do them all that it hurts her and that I don’t respect her if I don’t do them. That you’ve told her she’s asking too much for them ALL to be done all the time. Yet, she doesn’t stop doing things that upset you – like shouting at the kids. Then she sends you this blog? .. If it was just one thing, one “pet peeve”, easy. But, 20-25?
Have you ever thought that your spouse doesn’t have any time to herself? Perhaps these 20-25 things means that she is constantly on the go, stressed and therefore taking it out on everyone around her. Why is your free time more important than hers? Has she ever complained that looking after the needs of you and your children ALL the time is too much to ask and therefore she just doesn’t do it? I’m not saying you’re in the wrong but perhaps it’s something you should think about, perhaps she’s just asking for a bit of help and someone to share the workload, as said above its a partnership.
So I do most of the work, I do kids pick up. I cook during the week and when she cooks at the weekend its basic pasta or she orders out. I am as busy as she is (hence my handle). She sits and plays around on her phone. A lot. She also recently has become addicted to PlayStation, which I thought was going to be more of a problem with the kids. She rages in a very bullying way when she hear any criticism. Any. Don’t judge me without knowing anything.
I promise I trust you to know what applies to you and what doesn’t. Thanks for being a husband and father who shows up big for his family. I hope can find a way to communicate you and your family’s needs effectively with your wife, and that she’ll be receptive to it.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Who does the couple of dozen things that you are too “busy” to do, because you are doing things that you want to do (time for yourself)? I’m guessing, it’s her, adding to her work. Maybe she shouts at the kids because she’s stressed out, because you don’t help out. Do you look after your own kids? I mean, not just the fun stuff, but the boring, routine stuff? How much time does your wife have “for herself”? Frankly, you sound like a jerk.
See my reply above. Don’t judge without knowing anything, please.
Reblogged this on Shades of Grace and commented:
Love this. So right!
Now that’s seeing with more than your eyes. Love this. You may have just tapped into the female brain for a brief moment. Are you scared yet?
I can’t imagine being that hung up on a glass… but that’s because my husband and I have about the same notions of housekeeping. (Neither of us is particularly tidy.) But we have gone around on some issues where I felt unappreciated, and he didn’t really understand why. To be sure, I pick my battles! So does he. But after almost 36 years married, we still can annoy each other.
When I can’t engage verbally without being overly emotional, I resort to email. He does the same. Friends think we’re crazy, but having to write what you want to say is a powerful filter of things you might not want to verbalize because they’re not helpful. Somehow a written message is better remembered than a spoken one. And you can discuss the meat of the situation without going off on “you always” or “you never” tangents.
Very well written! As a new wife I thoroughly enjoyed your article and found it very insightful
I know it’s too little too late in your case, but here’s an article that sums up what goes on in a woman’s head when she’s about to leave
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome
The tl;dr If she stops nagging and stops talking to you, everything is NOT OKAY.
Yeah, I had shut down, and didn’t realize it.
I wonder if my husband (or even myself) realized how close to divorce I was!!
I didn’t feel heard or appreciated in my marriage. In many ways I was “lucky”. My husband ended up dying of a massive heart attack. The divorce would most likely been bitter and ugly. We had 4 kids together.
I’ve learned SO much about communication, conflict resolution, and taking a stand for myself. Some great advice in the comments here!!
Reblogged this on smp19671 and commented:
Wow! Powerful.
I read half of this and balked, but then I went back and finished it.
Brilliant!!
You said everything that I have previously thought. Although I’m the boyfriend, there are still little things I don’t think matter, but she thinks it’s the world. I subsequently get irritated because in the scheme of things what we are arguing about really doesn’t matter. In reality, she’s attributed a whole lot more meaning to the subject than I have.
Love the article,It is very insightful. I am a female and I sometimes leave my cup by the sink as well. If I do this it is because I plan on using the cup again and I always tell people DON’T TOUCH MY CUP lmao. I definitely agree with you partner. She did not marry you to become your mother, so her having to tell you to do somethings when it probably was common sense to do is kind of annoying. Sometimes females get annoyed when a man always tell them “If you just tell me what to do, then I will do it.” We females feel as though after a certain time in a relationship, feel as though why must we always tell you guys what to do when you technically already know what needs to be done. That’s why women are always comparing men to children, just as children we are constantly telling them what to do over and over in order for them to get it, but as a grown man, you should already know.
People often think marriage is 50/50 give and take, but what marriage really is about is both giving 100%. Both going out of their way to put the other first. That requires knowing what your spouse needs though, which requires open communication. It’s also important to understand that everyone has a love language. It sounds like your ex wife’s love language is acts of service. For me the glass doesn’t mean much, but not taking 15 minutes a day to really talk to me without distractions or interuptions would make me feel the way your ex did because my love language is quality time. I would highly recommend reading 5 Love Languages and Four Seasons of Marriage both by Gary Chapman, as well as The Love Dare. Great, great advice and very eye opening.
“People often think marriage is 50/50 give and take, but what marriage really is about is both giving 100%. ”
*DING DING DING DING DING!* WE HAVE A WINNER
Good article. People say they ‘may’ use the glass later, however, if they don’t will they remember to go back and put the glass in the dishwasher? You have a dishwasher, dirtying up another glass later, as long as you put it in the dishwasher should be no big deal. Putting the laundry in the hamper rather than near it. One extra step may not seem a big deal but one extra step adds up over time. Why would you want your so to even think they may have to be responsible for those extra steps because you don’t care enough to do it yourself?
Guys, we don’t want to be your mother any more than you want us to be your mother. Be an adult and take care of your stuff. Afterall, is she doing your laundry or loading the majority of dishes in the dishwasher or doing the other necessary things that go with running a house? Isn’t that enough of their being your mother? Take care of your responsibilities.
There is much more wrong here than the glass by the sink. Period. End.
I can’t tell if you’re saying this to the people who don’t understand the point of the glass story or if you’re one of them…
Someone get this person a nobel peace prize.
Amen.
This is the most perfect explanation I have ever heard. I hope it helps my husband understand that this is exactly how I feel sometimes about things as trivial as putting the toilet seat down.
You get it. Great writing too.
I loved reading this. I related to a lot of what was said about it not being about the glass but about the principles behind it. I work and my husband doesn’t so I feel disrespected when I come home to dishes after working 8+ hours to support us when he was home all day. He does do things when I ask him to but the fact that I have to ask when he has so much free time is frustrating. I feel that I got some insight into what’s going on in his mind and why he seems to be “blind” to these things that seem painfully obvious to me.
Wow Matt this was such a validating read for me. Thankyou for speaking from the other side of the fence so to speak. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, lived together for 4. He has very bad issues with clutter and dirty laundry, and I feel like he just doesn’t really have much to say to me as a person, friend, partner whatever. He is very simple and short, not rude just simple and short no depth no deep conversations EVER nothing like that. We don’t go out on dates, he doesn’t get me gifts anymore for my birthday or Christmas (not to sound entitled, I am not materialistic but the thought of just a homemade card would be sweeter than nothing on your birthday). I have read these comments and learned a lot and although I identify with a LOT of other comments on here.
See my problem is, I ask nicely, and he makes these promises to keep up on these little things he could do to show that he respects me, but NEVER does them. It is getting so bad that we are almost eemingly on repeat, going through the same questions/arguments/promise breaking DAILY. After a while I wonder, am I being a doormat, should I just leave? I demonstrate respect, I try to be nice and not naggy, why doesn’t it ever pay off? Why does he lie every day and never EVER make improvements??
Also, the fact that men perceive sex as currency just doesn’t make enough sense to me yet either..
He does not seem to want it or have a need for it at all unless I ask (which being a woman, doesn’t make you feel too sexy when you’re the only one who wants to instigate physical love). I know he isn’t having an affair or even thinking of it, he’s a GREAT guy, buy I can’t help but wonder. Am I in a relationship that will never grow from this? At what point am I a fool for trying ever more? All this talk of practice and “training” for BOTH roles, but I feel like I am embarrassing myself, slowly lowering my standards. Meanwhile, being lied to daily. I know I am being lied to, I tell him “you say this every time!! why doesn’t anything change?”
He always seems so genuine once I get really upset (cry or have a periodic meltdown) but aside from that….he is all talk.
TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE EMOTIONALLY STUCK IN A SAD REPEATETIVE TWILIGHT ZONE OF FALSE HOPE, don’t tolerate the lies after the first time. They will never stop, it is relentless how much a man can take advantage…IF YOU LET HIM.
id love to hear any responses or opinions, advice. Thankyou for the read!
Oh, honey, he’s obviously not interested in meeting you halfway here. You’re not happy, so why stay? (I am saying this metaphorically, I am all too aware of the many reasons we can’t just pack up and leave. But you can check out mentally/emotionally, if you need to.) *hugs*
It sounds like you’re stuck in a distancer-pursuer relationship pattern, my friend. The best thing you can do is show how much you appreciate yourself by finding activities you always wanted to do but were afraid to try…Want to learn about wine? Take that wine tasting class you always wanted to take. Want to get in shape? Join a gym and attend daily. Want to learn more about what makes you tick? Go to therapy. Want to try on a new profession? Enroll in a college class. Invite your friends to join you in these activities, or try them on your own. One of two things will happen if you do these things for you. Either your man will stand up and take notice that you are becoming the person you always wanted to be and it will inspire him to seek out you, this new and exciting person, OR you will see that he has no plan to break out of his comfort zone and develop the skills to maintain a relationship with a fabulous woman. And you will make the decision to leave. Either way, you will break out of YOUR comfort zone, and who knows, maybe you will gain some new perspective on what you need in a partner and how you need to go about communicating those needs to your partner. It’s a win-win situation!
Run as fast as you can I was stuck in a relationship like this for 25 years. He finally found a 20 year old and left. but you just described my ex-husband to a t.
i’m not even asking him to put it in the dishwasher. just put it in the sink and run water in it so gunk isn’t cemented to the bottom. the front passenger tire was low on my car, he stood in the driveway on 2 separate occasions and pointed it out. we have a fucking air compressor in our garage. do you think he put air in my tire? no. one of my co-workers filled up his personal air tank that he carries in his truck and aired my tire up in the parking lot at work. FUCK! and he doesn’t understand why I’m not aggressively initiating sex with him every night……I’m exhausted. I feel disrespected and unloved. when i tell him how i feel about this stuff, do you think i get an I’m sorry? no. I get “well, you shouldn’t feel that way. it’s not my intention to make you feel that way” and before anyone calls me a whiner, i work 40 hours a week on the same job for 19 years. he doesn’t have to tell me to sweep and mop, to do the dishes, to cook dinner, do the laundry, make the bed, clean the bathrooms or any of the other household chores i agreed to when we moved in together (we are now married). the deal was, i take care of the inside and he takes care of the outside, which includes vehicle maintenance and yard work. i hold up my end of the bargain and even help him with his stuff. if he’s working on cars, I’ll run back and forth to the garage fetching tools. I’ll move lawn furniture and the grandkids’ toys when he’s mowing……AND YOU CAN’T PUT A LOUSY PLATE IN THE SINK AND RUN WATER IN IT? yeah, I wish i had a dollar for every time I’ve considered leaving him…..one day, I’m not gonna think about it, I’m just gonna do it.
Fascinating blog… It makes me wonder about other things. I know this story is just a brief glimpse into your life and your relationship that you had with your wife. What I am curious about is… how often did you tell her you loved her? I mean how many times a day did you say “I love you.” “You are my princess.” “You are my heart.”? I don’t ask these things to make you sad, just to try to get insight on the habits that made up the core of your relationship. To say that your wife left you because you left dishes by the sink makes me think that something else was absent. Something very much like glue… or concrete…. love. Thank you for your time in writing this. Iron sharpens iron… and often times men are just dull edged when it comes to the needs of women.
Sorry, Matt.
Early on my wife and I established a house rule: If it matters to you, you do it.
Therefore I’ve got things like changing the oil in the car, the garbage, cleaning the floors, and lots of the cooking.
I’m sorry. If you still want to make it work, I have heard of people getting back together…
Best of luck.
That’s called: establishing and enforcing boundaries and communicating them.
That’s called: being good at marriage.
The dish thing is more metaphorical than literal. I’m sure it was the thing that annoyed her least.
It represents what I believe to be a consistent pattern of men failing their marriages because, when you boil it all down, he didn’t understand or believe the words coming out of her mouth.
I don’t care about the assholes who don’t value their marriages.
I care about the good men who accidentally destroy them through simple, accidental ignorance and neglect.
This is just one example (and I think every married person should be able to think of several examples that have nothing to do with dishes or chores) of a wife asking something from her husband and him failing or refusing to give it to her–not just because he’s a selfish asshole, but because when they speak to one another and describe things, neither of them know what the hell the other is talking about.
This does not apply to everyone. It simply applies to most.
Thank you very much for reading and being part of the conversation.
You’re welcome.
Mm. That’s fine if the actions are independent, and if there’s some kind of reasonable balance between them.
Some examples. I’m an excellent cook (I’m also a decent carpenter, a reasonable fill-in plumber, electrician, etc – oh, and I garden, and I like things reasonably uncluttered and am good at keeping them so. This isn’t a gender thing, and I have a lot of skills. Note, I’m not even touching my professional skills, at least not directly.) So much so that the majority of people I’ve lived with have been highly motivated to encourage me to cook for everyone. Some do this very well – say, in housemate situations back in college, by buying the groceries, managing dishes, maybe setting the table if we’re doing the sit down meal thing. Others – like, say, my ex-husband – would promise a lot to get me to cook, and then would take equally elaborate means of not following through.
Eventually I stopped cooking for him. But this was late in the demise of our relationship, and while it was the best solution that I could do on my own, I can’t say it was a good one. He liked my cooking. I like cooking, I like feeding people (and having them enjoy my food) and I like to show love through cooking. We might have worked out some other arrangement, but he didn’t like doing any work around the house or grounds.
Similarly, it may have mattered to me more that the living room not be littered with dirty clothes, but I don’t find that adequate reason that I should have been picking up his laundry. (Just to be clear, we were both software engineers at the time.)
“If it matters to you, you do it,” sounds great, until it turns into one person doing everything because the other person doesn’t care, or perhaps prefers to coast. …which, admittedly, it the reason I left. Or part of the reason, that, and that he broke pretty much every agreement he ever made with me.
I’m sorry you were treated that way. Our word, our promise, should matter to us. It reflects our hearts and our will. I’m sorry.
“If it matters to you, you do it” only works for couples who have a pretty even set of things that matter to them. Also, some chores aren’t about what matters to someone as much as what NEEDS to be done. Such as: paying the bills, washing dishes (eventually you will run out and have nothing to eat off of), buying groceries, caring for children, caring for pets, etc. You can’t simply say, “Well, changing the baby’s diaper matters more to you than me so you have to do it!” When one person ends up doing the vast majority of essential things (as women often do) and then gets stuck doing all the non-essential things too, under the argument of “well you’re the one who cares about it,” then yeah, it’s a recipe for divorce.
Right. The tone and attitude behind the statement is the hinge on which the whole thing hangs. My wife and I were very young and didn’t really know what mattered to us yet. It was more like as we discovered what we felt mattered we found the energy to be the person to take on the task we cared about. We did have to have quite a few sit down discussion meetings. But because we weren’t already established with a pattern of “This is how I do things” it was an easier slogan to adopt. We still use it. And when things feel unbalanced or unfair we talk it through. Lots of stuff neither of us cared about at first. Now we care about some things too much. Dumping everything on one person based on gender ain’t cool. It’s damaging.
I love this! I feel like this is talking about my marriage. I couldn’t get my husband to understand why it made me so mad. I guess I didn’t fully understand why it made be frustrated but after reading this it has opened my eyes. It isn’t his dirty boots and socks in the middle of the floor, it is the fact that I spent all day cleaning and he comes in and doesn’t acknowledge that I did anything. Again great post!!!!
Awe… I love this. So heart felt. So honest. So familiar for soooo many of us. Thank you for sharing 🙂 I am sharing this on my fb page for others 🙂
I really liked this! My husband and sometimes have these little debates and it’s always interesting to read the male perspective. Communication and respect is something I see missing in a lot of husbands or boyfriends today. This is especially true when it comes to children. It’s like you said, “Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.”
Did you always leave the glass by the sink?
Just sometimes. It’s totally a metaphor.
Stunning post, great story! I’ve just started my own blog too. It’s all about books and a chance for us all to read together, take a look at https://darrensharpewrites.wordpress.com and follow if you find it interesting! Many MANY more to come.
I have been stubbornly trying to ask my husband to keep my kitchen table in a condition where I can use it for eating at a moment’s notice. It will not happen. Consequently, my twenty-three other behaviors he wishes I did, will never change either. Oh, we have talked about these. We have fought about these. We are irritated that these things happen, but we are not divorcing.
I am not going to stop caring about my kitchen table, but I love and care about all the million other things my husband does do right that perhaps I can pick up after my husband on this one instance.
What am I saying? I am saying that I believe that we all go through these things and ideas in a relationship where we think we have not done enough for the other person, or they think you have not done enough and if you cared about them enough and if you respected them, you would change. And sometimes we get bogged down by the little irritants to see the big picture, to see the person we fell in love with, the committed partner we decided to welcome in our lives back when smartphones ran on smoke signals.
Now, having been divorced once, and refusing to do that the second time, communicating and coming to some mutual understanding of our, sometimes chaotic, co-habitation realities is the key at least for me.
I should probably put my glass in the sink, now that I think about it.
You touched a nerve here. My husband leaves his cereal dish in the sink every single morning. In the sink that is inches away fro the dishwasher. I’ve put it in the dishwasher for almost 25 years. I’ve asked him about it for perhaps the past 5 years. Lately I’m leaving it in the sink to see if he EVER moves it to the dishwasher. Apparently will not happen. It’s making me nuts.
Hands down this is the most powerful post I have read all day! Love this male perspective on an age old issue with modern women. I’m so glad you saw past the glass but not at the expense of the marriage. My husband will drink a beer and leave the cap and sometimes the bottle on the counter just two steps away from the recycle bin! Use to drive me insane!!! Like really dude?? Am I your freakin maid after working all day just as hard as you and then start my second shift with our son!!! He won’t stop though and I am not divorcing him. Love him way to much and vested to much time, so it’s a battle I choose not to fight. We have learned to compliment and balance each other out really well. Lesson learned for you and her. I am an optimistic person and always root for reconciliation. Who knows what the future may hold. Excellent post! ? Chanel
Reblogged this on Prayyior's God Talk.
Excellent article! Excellent!
I say this as a man who has never been married. Still single (and ok with it) at 56. It’s very simple. I’ve noticed that couples who figure out their mutual respect issues tend to stay married. Other things do come between couples, but the main thing, the thing that really keeps people together is mutual respect, and actions based on the same. For what it’s worth.
This cup / glass in the sink situation was probably the tip of the something much bigger. I would agree that if one resists doing something simple is to give a reason…unless the other person is a neat freak. Which my partner is but for whatever reason, he does tolerate some of my messiness. I am responsible for creating my own mess, that for certain. But he has generously done some tidying of my stuff.
If a guy already doesn’t share cooking, household chores and child care several times per week, it most definitely will make a wife feel like she’s the maid. Unless, she leaves certain things lying around that should be organized.
I think she should be glad the glass made it to the kitchen. Some of us men aren’t the best at picking up after ourselves. But most of us men do what we are good at. For example, today I dug a 28″ deep trench from the power pole to the house for running a circuit. Personally, I don’t put any dishes in the dishwasher. I would be insulted if I were asked to. However, when my wife worked outside the house, I took turns doing the dishes.
“Personally, I don’t put any dishes in the dishwasher. I would be insulted if I were asked to.”
Why on earth would you feel insulted?
I definitely saw the repercussions of living with a male who really didn’t get what it meant to ‘just put the glass in the sink’. I had to take a step back and assess what my role was in the whole situation; Am I being unreasonable? Should I just put the glass in there myself? Is it better to just not mention anything?
You hit the nail on the head when you said; “Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something.”
Needless to say, things now are a lot better than before & it just comes down to the basic principle; ‘Actions speak louder than words’.
Thank you for such a great article!!
Wow. This is pure genius. I’m speechless.
So when you ask your husband to put away his clothes that have sat in a hamper for months, or ask for some help around the house (esp when he invites his parents over or friends over last minute) how is it that I should respond when he tells me “why can’t you do that, it only takes a few minutes? Why do you need someone to help with cleaning the cleaning house when there are mom’s with 5 or 6 kids that can do it all with out help?” Or my favorite that he tells me “you don’t work, you get to stay home!” O my freakin gawd. I only homeschool, do all the bedtime routine, discipline, pay all the bills, do all the laundry, all the dishes, all the errands, running kids to their activities, cook & plan all the meals, … shall I continue?.?!
My eye is twitching & I’m having heart palpatations just thinking of all this. Oh. & he gets mad at me b/c I don’t have “time for him”.
I want to buy you a drink *hug*
It wasn’t the dishes… it was a lack of communication. She never explained it, he never explained it. She didn’t listen when he honestly told her it didn’t matter to him and he never listened when she told him the clutter really bothered her. They both took a side and stubbornly refused to budge.
This reminds me of my marriage in ways that make me both angry and sad.
It’s a little hard for me to relate to just how gendered the casting of this is. When I was married, we both worked – in fact, I put down the down payment on the house, and had the stable job with the good insurance and the hefty stock options while my ex bounced from start-up to start-up. I never signed on to be in charge of the dishes, in fact, if anything, the opposite. I did expect to be doing an outsized share of the cooking – but mostly because I happen to be a particularly good cook. I’m also generally handy and mechanically adept – I was always the person repairing the sink, or up on the roof redoing the flashing around the skylight. My ex, it turned out, did not like any work around the house. Then he started putting down my career, and trying to get me to quit and be a housewife. (Ten years together – had he never met me? And I doubt getting me to quit my job would have magically made me less threatening.)
It’s entirely true true that I thought I was getting a partner. And we’d specifically discussed and agreed on a division of labor that wasn’t along traditional gender lines. But I also have no problem speaking up if something is bothering me. And I was pretty great at articulating how things felt to me (clearly and calmly – sometimes he said he didn’t think I was really upset, since I wasn’t shouting and crying. Of course, when I tried shouting and crying – not as an act, I was pretty heartsick and desperate by that point – he didn’t respond any better.)
…and none of it mattered.
There’s too much to go in to, and not much point. Eventually, the whole situation eroded away all my caring. I stuck with him through a number of mental health issues, and when, after he was stable, he was still an asshole, I left. Reading this, where it sounds like the relationships kind of dissolved by stumbling and misstep, I just wince.
If it were me (and I’m a woman) I’d put the glass in a specific place in the dishwasher and re-use it. I know that it’s my glass.
Reblogged this on evey.bumbaca.
I am finding myself in a situation like this. It is hard to stay in a relationship if you have no respect for your partner. You lose respect for them when they ignore your feelings and do not pay attention to details. I have been married for less than a year and find myself losing respect for my husband because he is not observant of things. For example, I gave him a grocery list as he was going to town and said he would stop by the store. He never turned the paper over to look at the back, thereby not getting 1/2 of the items. What 64 year old man is not smart enough to look on both sides of a piece of paper? I am having a hard time with this. The other 2 relationships in my life have been with men smarter than I am. I find it increasingly more difficult to stay.
I feel like I should show this to my husband because it so effectively puts into words, so many of the things I feel about our marriage… but at the same time, I don’t know if I *can* without it turning into an argument that won’t solve any of the problems.
YOU JUST EXPLAINED IT PERFECTLY.
I’m reallyy impressed goood job! Also, I really hope you and your wife didn’t get divorced, you seem like a nice fellow :/
It’s a division of labor issue for me. My husband and I both work jobs at about the same financial level and title, yet I end up with a majority of the household duties. He’s good about doing laundry but that’s it. And some days it pisses me off to come home from work and see not one glass but a whole pile of dirty dishes on the counter. He works from home and could have loaded them in the dishwasher at any point during the day.
So I come in and load dishes and start making dinner while he has done nothing to help me. I’ve discussed this with him repeatedly and nothing ever changes. Is it worth giving up over a decade of marriage? No.
Oh my. This was my marriage, and my divorce, and my current dysfunctional relationship. Thank you for understanding, even if it’s just cathartic, it eases some of my pain and fear of relationships. Thank you. Saving. Following. Loving.
This is so true it nearly made me cry.
It’s not about the glass.
WOW. I am so happy I stumbled on this post. After months of my husband just not “getting it” i feel like i can share this very well worded post with him that explains EXACTLY how i feel. Wonderfully written. Thank you – reblogging!
I showed this to my husband tonight – I absolutely loved it.
Reblogged this on giddy & gorgeous and commented:
This! This is EXACTLY IT! Ladies, send this link to your men, MEN! Listen up, this is good stuff (written by a dude!)
This moved me nearly to tears. So simple, eloquent, and insightful and wonderful to hear from a male’s voice. From a women’s perspective, I’d add that some of the biggest pain comes from feeling that he’s turned you into someone you don’t recognize; a nagging, upset, wife that you don’t particularly like and never wanted to be.
This moved me nearly to tears. So simple, eloquent, and insightful and wonderful to hear from a male’s voice. From a women’s perspective, I’d add that some of the biggest pain comes from feeling that he’s turned you into someone you don’t recognize; a nagging, upset, wife that you don’t particularly like and never wanted to be.
There are simply no words to express how deeply this has touched me. To know that I am not the only one to have experienced this. Every. Single. Word.
Ditto.
Perfectly said, I also had tears in my eyes. It took me 3 husbands and 25 years until I finally learned how to “speak husband” – wish I had read this sooner!
So why be that person? Seriously-other people can’t change YOU and you can’t change other people! You have control over YOUR REACTION to others or a situation only. Choose not to be a nagging wife and be his friend instead. Things don’t need to be perfect.
While it’s a good point that a husband should respect his wife’s opinions and wishes…that’s marriage….it goes both ways. A wife that freaks out over a glass is not being loving herself.
Sir, you have missed the point entirely…..
Please re-read this excellent article Roy. Your wife will thank you.
Nah I agree with him. It goes both ways. She feels disrespected because he’s not meeting her most trivial desires, then the same can be said inversely; she’s not respecting him by ignoring the most trivial details that he does not want to do and harping on him for it
I’m a wife and I agree with Indigo, she had issues as well. I do like the article and it does explain a lot of things from guys view, but read between the lines-the wife had self esteem issues. I should know because I did too. Before marriage my self stem was crushed by a situation. After I worked on improving myself, I can say this wife of his had self esteem issues.
I don’t think he did miss the point. I’ve learned to not take things like glasses left out personally. It was a mental shift toward more peace and partnership. when I see a glass left out, I 1) see it as evidence of a living presence of someone I love and 2) put the glass away myself if it’s time to do dishes, leave it if it’s not, so I will be where he left it, like he likes. I *used* to think the glass meant love, power, respect, etc. but it doesn’t – it’s a glass. I can’t tell you how much more peace is in our home as a result.
It’s about taking responsibility for my own feelings. The only times the glass makes me feel unloved & unheard is when I’m not caring for myself, and feeling stressed. *It’s not about the glass, or my husband.*
I think losing people I love made that shift easier. Being very close to someone who lost her 9-year-old daughter helped me see what’s really, really important. If my husband were to die right now, I would miss that freaking glass *so much*, like I’d miss the kids’ shoes in the doorway, or the spoons under the couch if, God forbid, something happened to them.
Jesus, just leave the glass – enjoy your time together. And if a glass on a counter leads to less enjoyment of the moment for you, put it away or do the inner work so you can accept what is, rather than fight it or take it personally.
When I am away for a long time from my fiancee and miss him so bad, I also miss all the things that annoy me when we are together. But we still want to solve those annoying things, and we want to do it together. So no, it’s not the issue of the wife “not being loving herself”.
I think Karen has it right here. The other point I would make is that putting the glass away doesn’t actually solve the problem. As the post so clearly states, it isn’t really about the glass – it is about feeling loved and respected. So if a partner doesn’t feel loved and respected, but the glasses all get put away, then what? It’ll be about something else: underwear on the floor, cheerios in the sink, trim on the house, toilet paper installed incorrectly, bed not made correctly, lights not turned off, etc…
What is the man supposed to do in this situation? There will be no rest, there will always be something not done correctly. So what inevitably happens is that the man surrenders to the honey-do list hoping that perhaps by doing everything that is asked, he might provide the comfort. This is why he doesn’t show initiative, or seems to have become completely stupid. The relationship has been redefined around chores – and not just any chores but the chores deemed most important by the wife. The man cannot predict what chore it is – so he surrenders his will. Is this the right reaction? probably not. But certainly a common one.
So no, I don’t accept that the glass should be more. If the glass is more, then everything else is, and you are fighting an unwinnable proxy war about underpants. The only solution is to get past the glass and find out what is the actual problem.
Dude, you still don’t get it, do you?? I too teared up when I read this, because I go through the same thing!!!!
For one thing, nowhere does it say that she was “freaking out.” For another, you have entirely missed the point here. If you know that it’s important for the person you live with to be in a clean tidy environment and you continually – day after day after day – refuse to clean up after yourself, what you are saying is, in effect, “I expect you to either clean up after me or live in my filth.” That’s not respectful and it’s not an unreasonable thing for the other person to get upset about. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a husband and wife or a husband and husband or a wife and wife or roommates or parents and children. In fact my sister (as a 30-year-old adult who had returned home a few months earlier) was asked by our parents to move out of their home for much the same reason.
It’s exhausting to live with an adult who acts like a child. Adults should know how to clean up after themselves without even being told. Adults should know not to leave lights on in unoccupied rooms, to change the empty toilet paper roll, to use a glass instead of drinking from the carton, etc. If you are an adult who wants an adult partner in life and your current partner doesn’t understand the above and acts like a child, leaving them is not “freaking out.” It’s a reasonable course of action.
Ok, I can see after perusing the comments you stirred up quite the debate and touched on a sensitive subject for a lot of women, but honestly I couldn’t care less if this post is valid or supported…I just loved reading it. It was like porn. In fact I almost stopped reading because it felt a little bit like cheating. I’m going to read it again and then invite my husband upstairs 😉 If I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight
This resonated with me in a way I could never find the words to express to my husband! You are so right, it’s not about the dam glass! Thank you!
Totally correct–not a mother, a partner! My husband and I have been married eighteen years and a few of them have even been happy. For as long as I can remember he has leaned on me for emotional support, decision making, day-to-day household management, being an active participant in his ministry and orchestrating various other areas of our lives. It is exhausting! I can’t count the number of times he has said, “If you will just tell me what to do…” He is a smart man. Why, in the name of all that is Holy, he cannot figure out what needs to be done is beyond me. The tire is low? See that it gets changed. The porch is a disaster area? Pick it up. Water is exploding out of a pipe in the basement? Cut the water and call a plumber. I would love to hear him say, “I’ve got this.”
I’m a woman and I hope if/when I’m married I never become the kind of wife that is so obsessive about trivial things like this, or I hope that I never marry someone I can’t communicate with reasonably and come to a mutual agreement with.
When you get married you will understand this post. Unless you marry the author of this post of course 🙂
Not about the glass 🙂
The thing is, though, it isn’t a trivial thing when you ask someone over and over again, every day to do one thing and they never do it. If he puts his glass there every single day when it would only take a couple seconds to put it in the dish washer, and you ask him every time to please put his dishes into the machine instead of leaving them by the sink but he never listens to you, it isn’t “trivial”. If he doesn’t listen to you when you ask him to do something to help you – especially something as small as putting a glass into the dish washer – how are you supposed to trust that he won’t trivialize anything more important than a simple cup? You would come to expect him to argue with everything you ask, because if he doesn’t even want to deal with his cup after using it how could you expect him to want to do any given thing you ask of him? It may seem like a stretch, but little things build up quickly.
You’ve missed the entire point of the article. It isn’t about the glass.
This is my first read from your blog and i honestly love it. Gives a balance opinion of both sides but really my favourite was when you said ‘Men can do things’ because they actually can.
Well, I’m glad he became so introspective and developed such a sensible philosophy about love and marriage as he attempted to reconcile, to his satisfaction, in his mind, the pivotal link between her inability to tolerate him and his inability to please her.
I think that if his former wife had taken as much time to examine their relationship in the light of ying-yang and and the whole, ‘she’ is different than ‘he’ approach that he adopted, then they’d probably still be married. But she didn’t.
She was willing to walk away because she wasn’t willing to ‘figure it out’.
In essence; the dishes that got on her last nerve meant more to her than fighting for her marriage.
Makes me think perhaps it really wasn’t about the dishes. It is tho a most poetic excuse. It sounds better than, ‘irreconcilable differences’.
I think you missed the entire point of this article.
It’s as equally valid an outcome for the wife to learn to “let it go” for the exact same logic.
As woman in the midst of a divorce, I cannot even begin to express to you how totally accurate this is! One thing, it would have taken 10 minutes. I asked for it for 20 years! 10 minutes! I wasn’t even worth that.
One thought for husbands: has your wife ever started turning off the lights? No? Well according to this logic, divorce her because she doesn’t love and respect you.
I really want to go to sleep, Marcus. But you did a horrible job connecting dots, and I’d like to help before I do.
1. If your wife tells you that something you did or didn’t do HURTS her, maybe it’s true.
2. Your wife leaving lights on in a room she isn’t using and frustrating or annoying you IS NOT HURTING YOU.
3. Figure out what DOES hurt when she does it to you.
4. Next time you want to be a cock about not doing some little easy thing she’s asked about 14 million times, equate the HURT you feel from the painful incident to the HURT you’re inflicting by being a self-centered, stubborn, neglectful prick.
5. Wives, nor this post, equated divorce with a small disagreement over dishes.
6. You’re making the same piss-poor thinking mistake that I did. You think the dish is a dish because YOU only see a dish. But SHE sees the dish, she sees you saying “You don’t matter very much to me.”
7. So, once more, we’re not talking about chores and nuisances. We are talking about a human being slowly taking on damage. A person can only take so much.
Lastly? Just because it doesn’t make sense to you that it HURT her, does not mean that it didn’t.
This may not apply to your life specifically. But it applies to the vast majority of married men. Go ahead and read through the comments if you don’t think so.
Your knee-jerk and inaccurate response is WHY I got divorced and why millions of other guys will too.
There’s a better way.
“2. Your wife leaving lights on in a room she isn’t using and frustrating or annoying you IS NOT HURTING YOU. ”
It’s not? Maybe it is.
I relate very much to this article. I’m a man. And I feel hugely hurt, disrespected, and devalued by the behavior of a woman who refuses to comply with a couple of petty little requests that are more or less equivalent to “don’t leave the glass by the sink.” These little things frustrate and annoy me and put me in a bad mood and it wouldn’t take four seconds for her to do them as I ask and I’ve been asking for years. It makes me feel small and it makes me feel as if my desires about how a household ought to be run don’t matter to her.
This article is accurate.
It does work both ways, and the article doesn’t say it does not, as far as I can tell.
I turn off the lights! I clean all the dishes and the floors, the laundry, feed the animals, do yard work, plus I too have a full time job! Your comment particularly offends me, because right now, as I do many nights, I am packing a lunch for my husband to take to work, and he will most likely go out for lunch. But, he wants me to pack him a lunch, every work night. My job is 12 hour shifts, and I have to be up at 5:00am. This does not matter! But when asked 3 years ago, to put a piece of trim back onto the house after another repair had been made, he said “later”, and “later” is still yet to come.
I disagree Marcus. It’s not about putting the cup in the sink or not turning the lights off… in which I do both way more often than my husband. The point is, discovering her love language. If her love language is acts of service, not only does putting the cup in the sink matter but actually washing it matters as well. My husband’s love language is physical touch and it’s not all about intimacy. It’s the small touch as I walk passed him in the kitchen while he washes the cup.
Uhm, yea…he doesn’t do THAT either. Nice try.
I appreciate that you’ve analyzed this to the nth degree, but I must say that marriage is about the art of compromise, and if your wife couldn’t get past this, the dish by the sink wasn’t the problem. Truly.
I’ve been married 23 years. My husband will never ever remember how I like the toothpaste top ON the tube, or that the TP should go over, not under, the roll. These things annoy me most days, but balanced with everything else that constitutes our lives together, they mean nothing. It wasn’t the dish, it was the two of you, and that’s okay. Really and truly.
I do appreciate your thought process.
“These things annoy me most days, but balanced with everything else that constitutes our lives together, they mean nothing.” – that’s a thought process that works for you but not necessarily for everyone’s else’s marriage. There, “truly”, are couples who work out things exactly the way Matt does 🙂
I absolutely love this. It explains how I feel about my relationship but also shows me why he does not understand how I am feeling. Thank you!
so sorry best of luck
so sorry
I’m an older gal who has health issues which cause me a great deal of pain. Daily I spend way too much time going behind my husband picking up after him. If I did not, our home would look like an episode of Hoarders by now. We’ve been married nearly 20 years. Since the beginning, I’ve asked him to PLEASE pick up his things. He just will not, no matter what. I’ve thought about leaving many times. And for all you naysayers, no, it’s not about the damn glass or the damn towel or the damn dirty underwear lying on the floor less than a foot from the basket — it’s about the lack of respect, just exactly like this blog says. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for you all,
and my husband, to figure it out. I’m too old now to leave and start over, so here I am, stuck picking up crap everyday and feeling unloved. It makes for a very unpleasant existence. Who’d think a “glass” could cause such problems?
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I was married for nineteen years. When I told him I wanted a divorce, it hurt both of us and I have been swimming in guilt for that pain I caused him.
Now, after reading your post, I’ve come to realize something. He couldn’t make me feel “safe” in his love. Twice in our marriage he told me he was “in love” with another woman and both times we went to counseling. I fought tooth and nail to save my marriage (I had to drag him to the counseling sessions, both times). We got back on track, but finally, after all that, I was too emotionally exhausted to keep fighting, to keep feeling the doubt, to keep pushing back the fear that once again I’d be hearing all about his feelings for another woman.
Thank you for those words. You put it in focus for me.
I’m a wife and I can hear myself talking in some of the lines there. It’s written simply and meaningfully.
Finely argued
I cannot know all nuances that comprised the author’s marriage, but I have been the wife in this situation, as have many others. I realize now, although the marriage died for this and other reasons, that I chose to a) equate small irritations with him not loving me “correctly” (ie, the way I deem he should behave/express his love) and b) I handed over a ton of my responsibility to choose to feel good and happy over to whether I liked his choices and what I decided they meant about him and me. Life is too short to go around feeling burned and victimized all the time.
Hey Colleen. Thank you for this.
Me, and every guy ever married having trouble connecting a glass by the sink with emotional pain, agrees (and probably told his wife in an argument that life is too short to feel hurt and victimized all the time.)
Three things:
1. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a woman and will never be so bold as to try to offer wives marriage advise. I think the psychological process of finding how to not let “the little things” bother you so much is as helpful to a relationship as a man trying to not dismiss them. So thank you.
2. I think people can learn to “control” their emotions more effectively, but it’s VERY hard, and is a pretty good idea to respect an involuntary emotional response as a sign something needs addressed.
3. When a husband grasps the glass thing and that “problem” goes away? All similar problems are likely to go away, too. When your wife thoroughly feels loved and respected and validated, SHE DOESN’T feel burned and victimized by the little things. Because the actual problem all along was mutual respect, thoughtful unselfishness, and connection.
Thank you for being part of the conversation.
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So Bad Buddy …….just enjoy new life
I love this. The way you really explain what the woman’s actually thinking. It’s funny because so many of the examples are things my ex and I always fought about. Except I was the one leaving my coffee mugs by the sink… Or on the table… Or in the bathroom lol. And he was always tracking mud and cement through my clean house. None the less, these things were just arguments we could pick and fight about instead of really talking about the bigger issues we had. Respect is absolutely key and what it comes down to. Props.
I like the originality of your approach in this article; the creative way you have handled the subject. This is superbly written. It can relate to this. We have to see beyond ‘the glass in the sink’ and get what the act means. It is the meaning that actually matters. And differences in ways of thinking, seeing and appreciating should be considered. At the end of the day, both spouses need to enter the other person’s shoes. I think this article will save many marriages.
I love this so much! Sadly, too often when husbands fail to do the little things, take the hints etc…they are actually disconnecting, detaching. Many times that is a sign of another, deeper problem. Guys..if you are disconnecting..ask yourself why. Are you paying attention to your life? Are you engaged in the moment? Are you truly connected? Maybe your mind is on more “important” things like work, the game, golf, the cute new secretary? Maybe you have addictions. Wives…be there, show up, be seen and be brave. YOU are the important thing.
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Bullshit.
I’m sorry but your complete theory is Bullshit. The mere placing dishes by the sink may have been an irritant to her but she obviously has many issues with you. And furthermore, if you never left a dish out or in the sink, always doing that would probably grate on your nerves eventually, causing you to become the complainer… Making you the whimy bitchy one. If the ONLY reason was the dishes, she never loved you like she said, because live is patient, kind, longsuffering and not petty. So check your gauges on importance. Yes. It’s important to do your part in the housekeeping, but if leaving dishes is s reason for divorce, your marriage was crap to begin with. Now this is strictly my OPINION, and I’m no means is it trying to tell you what to do, but I think I’m right. Does anyone else think the way I do?
You’re the first person to get it and not get it all at the same time.
OF COURSE my wife didn’t end a nine-year marriage and put our son, herself, me and everyone we know through the very painful and difficult process of divorce.
And yes! Of course my inability to identify why something stupid like a dish left by the sink was indicative of other problems and part of an overarching thought process and pattern of behavior men commonly have which, over time, will destroy their marriage.
A husband wise enough to “get” the dirty dish thing will have no trouble connecting the dots between this specific conversations and every other virtually identical point of contention between he and his wife.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Jerry.
Oh man…. years ago we joked that we broke up over the dishes. HA! This article is mostly spot-on. A lot of what was said on the woman’s side (not all of it) was my inner dialog. I didn’t speak up for the longest time about how this bothered me because I figured it was MY issue to deal with and figure out why it bothered me so much (and what the writer stated about the man’s side was a part of why I didn’t bring it up). When I finally did speak my mind and answer the What’s Wrong question, I didn’t get the “Oh…that’s all? I can do that,” response I was hoping for [see article].
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. And, we broke up over the dishes. LOL LOL
Your article is so, so familiar. Sorry ’bout the marriage. In the ’70s, I read a book called “The Intimate Enemy — how to fight fair in love and marriage.” The term “gunnysacking,” a central theme in the book, explains your situation perfectly. And do us all a favor, either wash the glass by hand, or put it in the effin’ dishwasher so you’ll be ready for the next one. Good luck!
I would definitely leave my wife if she got upset with me over something like that. It’s just plain incompatibility.
See I have 1 massive argument about this. Its very well worded and completely true, but lacks a form of honesty.
If the glass getting left out made her feel disrespected or unappreciated, then why were these feelings not brought up and shared with the so called “love of your life”.
It seems to me that the real problem in this story isn’t a simple change to ones lifestyle or habits to respect your partner, its a communication issue.
You should be able to tell the love of your life, partner, or significant other that not respecting a simple request to put a glass away or fold the laundry, makes you feel the way it does.
Why should it be either partner’s responsibility to read minds?
Why let emotions control your actions in a way precived as sneaky or misleading?
Why not address a problem to its full extent?
Seems more like this relationship could have been saved with simple communication and general cleanliness….
But still… Good message!
Yeah I’m gonna have to agree with Missy on this one – while I appreciate your recognition that men and women process marital interactions differently, it’s a two-way street. Should you put your glass away? Definitely. Is it a sign that you don’t love and respect your wife? Absolutely not. If you’re capable of (eventually) understanding that your leaving that glass on the countertop is causing her emotional turmoil, she’s just as capable of (eventually) recognizing that for you, it’s just a glass. You’re not leaving it out to be disrespectful; in fact, you probably didn’t even realize you left it there.
On top of that, there are probably a million other little things you did every day to love and nurture and care for her. Sure, she’s perfectly capable of raking leaves, getting the oil changed, or swapping out that bum light bulb in the entry-way, but those are things you do – not because you necessarily enjoy them, but so she doesn’t have to.
So yeah, it’d be nice if men understood that often we interpret you leaving your dirty underwear in the floor means you don’t respect us enough to throw them in the hamper, but we women also need to stop taking everything so darn personally. Sometimes a glass on the countertop really is just a glass on the countertop. And hey, how bout we start recognizing and appreciating the little things our partners ARE doing for us, and stop trying to mould them into perfect little housemates?
Accept love as it’s given, rather than demanding that your partner show love the way you think they should. You’ll be a lot happier.
I think the glass by the sink is just one of many little things…it’s a symbol. Married people tend to take each other for granted and all these little petty things just add up and turn into a mountain that they can’t get past.
This is tough to really understand if your personality can’t see it intuitively. I’ve been married twice. The first to a otherwise decent man who, unfortunately, was totally oblivious to these small details that mean “I hear you.” Years of ignoring the big stuff, sure, but even the little habits that make you feel like a servant in your house, and model that servanthood in your marriage for your kids to take with them into their adulthoods…it’s dehumanizing, and it builds resentment that over time can look quite out of proportion when finally vented. Second marriage, I understand this so much more. He does a lot of small things that could aggravate me if I let them, so I don’t. I ask him a few minor habit changes that will make me not have to feel like I’m in the nag-or-repress deathloop, and he does them! And there is much rejoicing. And I change the things he asks of me that could drive him a little crazy too.
It’s a sweet life, but it took the difference of two entirely opposite male personalities to see the underground fight that persisted all through my first marriage…although we never ‘fought.’ This subtle stuff matters.
Thank you so much for writing this article. I think the more people who read this and understand it, the more relationships that will be saved. You really understand this perfectly. Don’t worry about the people giving you bad feedback, they’re the ones who just don’t get it. Even if their marriage is good now, who’s to say it won’t one day reach a breaking point because of this exact thing?
Thanks again,
Justine.
A good article. I appreciate your patience and being an understanding husband to your wife. I relate this situation to my uncle and aunt that happened to be like this. Thanks Matt~!
IMen and women are wired very differently. For women, love is a perfect mixture of respect, care, attention, affection, understanding and sharing. For men, it is different…. it is more like, “I am with you because I love you”. I loved reading this article
Simple…women want “men” not “boys” who still try to live their lives after they get married as they did when they were in their Mommy’s home. Men want to be treated like a man, but many do not want to grow up, be responsible, and act like a man! Selfishness keeps individuals from seeing another person’s point of view…even in marriage. This is why divorce rates are so high, besides the reason of infidelity. I invite you to visit my Blog during the month of February…I will be blogging on Relationships: Love, Romance, Intimacy & Passion. See you there! 🙂
I’ve learned to openly tell my husband what I need instead of hoping he will eventually show me the love I need. When it boils down to it, no loving partner could deny love to an open, confident request for love expressed in a certain way. Women need to have the confidence and trust to ask for what they need. Ie. Would you stroke my arm sometimes when you walk by and tell me you love me?. Although this might seem strange to ask for as most loving couples would express this type of affection, in my marriage I had to ask explicitly for it because my husband shows his love through acts such as doing housework unasked, taking baby for a nap, never complaining etc. he is a truly wonderful man! But I do need at least some affection to feel loved. He doesn’t really need it. I do. So I learned to ask and he learnt to give it. Great, insightful article!
Yes. It’s not about the dishes all over the couch, it’s the feeling that I have no room there because his mess is more important. It’s not that all the kitchen cabinets are always open, it’s that I’ve told him many times that I’m going to crack my head on one of them some day but he doesn’t seem to care. It’s not that there’s food wrappers all over the kitchen and living room, it’s that there’s garbage cans all over our house and I desperately want to believe that I am with a man who is capable of using them. I feel like he’s smarter and more able a person than he is showing himself to be, and that disappointment cuts pretty deep.
Reblogged this on pratispirouette and commented:
Its a wonderment to me that its the same approach and attitude between the genders, in any part of the globe! But the dissection is deep and an almost plead-like. The spotlight has to be on “But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence..”. Surprising that men are capable of amazing creativity, humongous or miniscule… yet its a matter of choice for them to , to label an act petty or not. In this instance, the mis-placed glass, might not be an act to disrespect, dislike or degrade… but certainly sets the women thinking about equality and balance in the marriage. That what if she were to be cultivating an irritable habit, would she be empathised and appealed for the deed to be done properly, with similar number of opportunities, patience and understanding? When that happens, a change in the psyche and approach can be expected.
Oh. My. God. Someone actually gets it. I’ve been saying this for years and thought I was overbearing, or too demanding, or … just plain wrong. Because somehow I’m always wrong, always the one looking for a fight, always the irrational one.
Even though to me, it’s not about right vs wrong; it’s about respect … caring for the other person … being a partner.
How dare you leave that funking glass by the sink you jerk off. Bahahaha. sobs while my guitar gently weeps…
Coming from another woman’s point…..being with someone that loves ALL of you is key….glasses anywhere and ALL….the place to be you and vice versa….support and encouragement to LOVE even if it’s NOT exactly what you love it’s WHO you love that matters…strip it down to the person and not the small things that clutter our perception of being able to grow, evolve and become our best self with another best self….choice of self is OURS to own not for anyone woman or man to conform
And there are divorces left and right for this reason ONLY…people are trying to change so much in oth ers they forget to share with others, including the ONE you LOVE most!
When I first read this i took a minute to collect my thoughts. Being on the verge of relationship catastrophe I read this and laughed at how inaccurate it sounded; hold on before you pick up the pitchforks. As I’m making tea for my headache I start to remember my Boyfriend of 5 years now telling me that I’m selfish and that i only care about myself and that i should want to do things for him as it is how he knows I love him. Im thinking of giving this a go and seeing how he reacts to it.
I am going to be annoying, and hope that if I comment it maybe will get my blog some attention. Check out my work in progress. Maybe someone will give a shit about what I have to say???
Good post, enjoyed reading it because I’ve been in that situation before, many times in fact.
And to everyone in the comments who don’t seem to understand this conundrum, let me explain why that one glass is so important, because it does make perfect sense. I’ll begin by asking you a question: Where you in charge of cleaning the kitchen, on the regular? Statistically, this seems unlikely, so I’m just going to assume it was one of your wife’s chores to clean the kitchen.
So if someone’s chores, besides paid work, possibly even child care duties, include cleaning a room and you deliberately place a dish, with military precision, next to the dishwasher instead of taking an extra three seconds out of your day, you are disrespecting all the work this person has put into keeping the kitchen clean. Why is it important to keep that kitchen clean, you ask? Bacteria. Simple, right? Same with leaving laundry on the floor, or leaving the bathroom a soggy mess, or sweeping crumbs from the counterpane to the floor. Your wife is showing her love and care by keeping your shared space healthy and comfy and nice, and then you come in and fuck it up.
Women like to be respected by their partners just as much as men do. Women like to have their work respected just as much as men do, especially all the unpaid work they put into shared living situations. The dirty glass may be just another dirty glass to you, to your wife it’s another thing to put away, another thing to clean in her presumably already busy day. From her perspective, that’s disrespectful as hell, even if she can’t articulate exactly why. You are effectively making your wife’s day busier with dozens of small things that add up over time. So either don’t leave a mess or clean up after yourself. As the article says, men can do stuff, so do it. Cleaning up after yourself when living with others is not an unfair expectation if you’re over the age of three.
Yes!!! Exactly
Great Post! I wish I would have read this nine years ago! I definitely can relate to your post.
Beautiful message: once you do everything out of love and respect, it is more of a gesture rather than a chore.
I am still wrapping my head around how dead-on this is.
I divorced last year after fifteen years of marriage, including the last five years of marital turmoil. In 2011 we attended counseling while formally separated to try to save our marriage. I expressed in one session that I felt like I had so much work to keep up with in our home that when he put his dishes in the sink, it felt like he was saying “i know you do a ton of work around here. Here’s one more thing for you to do.” I felt unappreciated and completely disrespected.
Our counselor told me that my personality tends to take things personally. That my ex husband simply didn’t feel like putting the dishes in the dishwasher and that had nothing to do with me or my feelings.
We should have found a new counselor.
I am now in a new, remarkably eye opening relationship with a man who honors my feelings and respects and appreciates me, as I do him. We communicate and pay attention to each other’s wants and needs as we grow.
The dishes were a symptom in my marriage, but ignoring the symptoms is destructive.
I guess I would argue that the better solution would be to actually talk about why leaving the glass out or putting it away is important. I’m more of the glass out person, but my Husband does have his annoying habits he’s the leave the butter knife out guy. We have fought over both and have felt resentful over both, when an argument did blow up once we managed to actually talk about the why and were able to find the compromise that had helped kill the resentment factor. Neither of us really came closer to actually understanding why it mattered to the other person, both us us came closer to accepting that it did and both of us developed a means to shake off the resentment. I find that a lack of communication creates the bigger issues.
Yeah good point. Communication is key. After a few years I gave up on the cup issue (he does this too), and he moved the cup away from the edge (so I wouldn’t knock it over accidentally). But some other stuff has improved. Communication and compromise is so important from both partners.
Some of us have this conversation regularly. I’m pretty sure I have said exactly what this article says about ‘I’m not your mom, I don’t want to tell you to do things, I want you to notice and do it because it feels like you think I’m your maid when you leave messes everywhere.’ They still have to hear it.
Great article! Men and women are wired differently, meaning our brains do not think the same way. Just read through all the replies. Men mostly, miss the whole point of the article and he says it point blank: “It’s not about the dish!” Anyone who wants to understand it better and maybe save your marriage, look up a book titled Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus. I think there was a video of it also back in the early 90s. I’ve been married 25 years and countless times I have used what I learned to stay patient and communicate in a way he understands and he gets it….mostly. LOL
Actually, the neuroscience is increasingly going the other way – while there are some statistical differences in the underlying structures of men’s and women’s brains, overall, you can’t actually tell if a brain is “male” or “female” without a body attached, and a lot of the differences that are so hyped in the popular press seem to have more to do with men being larger than women and that sort of thing. (I can provide some links to the research if you’d like – I don’t know how technical a discussion you’d prefer. I’m a neurobiologist, so this is, in fact, my day job.)
There is almost certainly some hormonal difference (I find the experiences of transgender people very interesting in this regard) and there is definitely a huge amount of difference in socialization.
It is not the brain that matters but the estrogen and tester one.
I remember reading that certain parts of the female brain are typically larger than in the male (like the pfc or hippocampus) so I don’t understand why you would need “a body attached.”
The hypothalamus, pineal gland and pituitary glands regulate hormone and are located near and/or within the brain. So, the structure of the brain and these glands my not differ between male and females, but they definitely differ in function (the hormonal regulation/balance they create for a male versus a female). I am NOT in neuroscience, so I will defer to your expertise. Technically, maybe the above structures are not considered part of the brain, but are independent and considered to belong solely to the endocrine system. I believe most laymen would consider these glands as part of the brain and thus be correct in saying/believing that significant differences in emotional functions and the resulting affects on logical processing are caused by the brain.
Kikina- Previous studies had found some evidence that certain portions of brains varied in size by sex. HOWEVER more recent bigger studies have shown that this simply isn’t true. That there is no statistical difference in brain structure and sizes between male and female. Therefore: when looking as a specific brain, you can’t know if it was a male or female withoug other evidence (i.e. a skull or body).
I’m no neurologist, but I’m pretty sure that while brains might be physically indiscernable from one another, active brain scans show that the male and female brain tend to activate different brain regions in response to different events.
It’s HOW they work that really matters. Not how they appear.
Its totally the socialization and other cultural factors….much more so than biology. Although I must admit that hormones likely do cause some differences in behaviour. For the most part, women are socialized to be unsure of themselves. This causes them (us!) to read situations defensively and to take actions of others as a personal attack. I struggle with this EXACT issue in my relationship with my husband and it is mostly because I think that when he doesn’t put the dishes away right away that this somehow implies that he think that I should do it. When I take a moment to reflect I always remember that this is NOT actually true and that it is perfectly OK to leave the offending dish on the counter. Never fails…he puts it away later.
I’m responding to my own comment because it I’m not offerred the option of responding to any of the above, and I’m doing this in brief because I’m at work and have my research students coming in to meet shortly.
In broad strokes, a lot of the issues here are about problems with how science is reported in the popular press. If you take a large number of male brains, and a large number of female brains, and measure various features (whether of activity or anatomy, this part doesn’t matter) and then take the averages of those measurements, you’ll generally get a distribution that looks something like the one at this link: http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/myl/OxleyDist.png (Note: this link has nothing to do with gender and neuroscience, it’s just a good visual representation of the kind of distribution I’m talking about.) The means of the distributions will be different. And because people get excited about gender differences, this will be reported in the popular press as well as in the scientific press. Often (pretty overwhelmingly often, and this drives me up a tree) the popular reporting is misleading. Sometimes, it’s more that people’s understandings of statistics tends to be poor, so they don’t actually understand what is being said. (You’d like to think that this would be the job of a science journalist, but apparently click bait headlines get higher priority. Admittedly, from what I can tell it kind of sucks to be a journalist these days.)
Anyhow, what people tend to latch onto is that men’s and women’s brains are statistically different from eachother… which is sort of true – the means are different. But if you look at the distributions above, you’ll notice the areas of overlap are much greater than the areas of non overlap. For any given brain, very rarely will you be able to determine with any certainty that it is male or female. (There was a really nice meta-analysis that came out on this just in the last couple of months… I think out of Israel?) Many of the reported differences don’t actually hold up to scrutiny, and even those that do aren’t strong enough to be used to distinguish between one brain and another. We have an awful lot more in common than we have different.
FWIW, I include the effects of hormones in my study of the brain, because they’re important. (Heck, even when I’m teaching Neuroanatomy, they’re part of the curriculum.) Neuroscience is a multi-disciplinary science. I was actually a computational biochemist before I was recruited into neuro, and a software engineer before that. Life is entertaining that way!
Thank you for writing this, thank you for understanding our point of view. This post pulled on my heart strings – I wish all men could read this and all women could learn from your post as to why the glass left in the sink next to the dishwasher is so important to us – I don’t think a lot of women really understand why its so important – you hit the nail on the head and bought tears to my eye – I wish my ex and I have been able to read and discuss this before it was too late.
You took the words out of my mouth….
Unless of course, you’re the man in the relationship – and its your wife (and kids) who are the ones leaving the dishes out.
Excellent perspective! Now write what the wife did to end the marriage too 😉
Very interesting read! Seeing two sides to a story as well as the underlining conversations that were never voiced.
http://loveandrespect.com/
THIS. Its like you reached into my mind and heart and pulled out the the words I could never express effectively. I would like to add that when the husband Does eventually figure this out, and begins to show respect and appreciation for his wife, in return his wife will not feel she has to play the role of the nagging mother. She will feel more tenderness and love for her husband, and see him as an equal partner instead of a stubborn child. It’s a full circle of love and respect, and the rewards are priceless. This one little realization will heal a broken heart, and perhaps even a broken marriage.
Your wife had some deep rooted issues, or your marriage did. A glass by the sink shouldn’t ruin a marriage, nor should it denote love, trust, or respect. I bet for every glass you left on the counter, she did at least one thing that irked you on a similar level. Hopefully your next relationship won’t be with a psychopath.
Seriously? Did you even read this?
What he said was harsh, but not completely false. The author of this post is explaining his journey of understanding why his wife left him and the marriage failed, not so much that she is justified for all of her actions and feelings. That’s my opinion. I can understand how I could have fixed a relationship without believing that it should be fixed. We can understand a psychopath that murders without condoning the murder. This lady screams Daddy issues and deep insecurities that she was totally dependent on her husband to patch all the holes in her heart. She likely didn’t feel loved or secure because she hasn’t felt that way about herself in a long time. That is not a partnership or marriage, that is him carrying her emotionally and any time her foot touches the ground because his arms are aching, she lashes out.
It’s not the glass. After the first time, your partner tells you that something (anything) upsets them, it isn’t about the glass (the something) anymore, ever again.
The secret to marriage. In two sentences.
Nice work. Brevity isn’t my strong suit. 🙂
YES.
“But why are you so upset about [that thing I did]? It’s illogical so you should get over yourself. And I’m going to keep doing it to show you how wrong you are.”
You probably wouldn’t say those exact words, but that’s exactly what you’re conveying when you do stuff like that.
A million times yes!
It says “If you care, you deal with it.” And that isn’t fair at all.
My husband has always been like this. He always acts like doing stuff for me is a huge pain in his ass, so much so that I wonder why he got married. Likewise, he is cautious about me stuff for him. He has never said why, but I can assume he is afraid he will be expected to reciprocate. There is no grateful spirirt in our marriage. I tried for years, but one day I woke up and realized this was as good as it gets. There has always been him in his camp, and me and the kids in the otber. He has kept himself apart our entire marriage. He doesn’t see it, so we will muddle on as long as we can.
The part I don’t *get* is why it’s ONLY the wife’s job to pick up everyone’s dirty glasses. The part about respect is that YOUR glass is, in fact, YOUR glass. When you dirty a glass, you clean a glass – not leave it for your live-in maid to pick up all the dirty glasses as well as other chores that you are making for her. It’s NOT her dirty glass.
So here’s the thing, you sound a lot like me, wanting to, and attempting to do a million things for your wife, yet one tiny oversight results in major blowouts. Came into the marriage very gung-ho, but find myself growing burned out because it is never good enough, I can see how this type of cycle gets exacerbated over time. You say that it’s about respecting your wife’s wishes, even when they appear irrational, because it’s for her and she comes first and all but here’s where it gets tricky, there are exactly zero things that I demand that my wife do yet a million things that she demands of me. She could do a grand total of nothing, I’d still love her and I’d never bark orders at her to do anything, and if it didn’t get done, I’d do it, as I generally do anyway. So it’s not so much that you don’t respect her, but more so that you don’t obey her. It gets burdensome sometimes, it’s hard to be the guy who does all he can and still can’t make her happy or satisfied. It’s not that you left a glass out, it’s that she made a rule, a rule you didn’t have a say in implementing, and you’re not obeying her rules. Maybe I’m projecting my challenges in my marriage upon your situation, I’m still trying to figure it all out, but I know it’s hard as hell to be in the role where you do so much yet can never win, don’t complain, don’t make demands and forego your own needs to satisfy hers.
I would have to say that putting your own dishes in the dishwasher isn’t a rule. It’s common decency as is sweeping the floor if you see it’s a mess or cleaning a toilet once in 40 years or a bunch of other everyday household chores. When both people work and yet the burden of the home falls on the wife, even the smallest help seems like a blessing. It shouldn’t have to feel like taking care of yourself and your business and that of the kids is a gift to the wife. It’s just part of being a responsible husband. Maybe she makes rules because without them life would be chaos and then the husband would find ways to blame that on her also.
I wouldn’t say it’s part of being a responsible husband, I would say it’s part of being a responsible adult.
There are zero things that you ask your wife to do? How about every time you leave that glass out, you’re actually telling her to wash it?
Every little thing you don’t take care of yourself is actually you telling her to do it.
Exactly so. That glass won’t wash itself. I see people in my house use things and then not put them away. I wait to see if it’s just that they haven’t done it yet, but that’s not it. Or if it is, yet means weeks. I don’t think it’s reasonable to leave your glass out for weeks. Other people have to use the glasses. If you used it, and don’t wash it, eventually someone else will have to. The Categorical Imperative says “Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law without contradiction.” If everyone used glasses, and never washed them, what would happen?
“Every little thing you don’t take care of yourself is actually you telling her to do it.”
YES!!!! that is exactly how I feel. Thank you!
It sounds like you’re missing the point both in the article and in your life. Marriage is about connection and respect. You can’t have either of those, no matter how much you do for someone, if you only do things on your terms. Sounds like you are a martyr type who pats himself on the back for doing SO MUCH, but resents any requests from your partner (framing it as lack of “obedience”). If someone asks you to do something small and you refuse to do it? It’s a disrespectful slap in the face. The way you described everything above makes it seem like you see your marriage as a battle to be won. You’re doing SO MANY THINGS so you’re winning. But she’s not 100% happy with you because you’re “never good enough”. Guess what? Most grown up good people do most things right, as they should. That does not give them leave to do things wrong without consequences. Being a jerk (by not connecting with and respecting your partner) doesn’t get a pass because you checked things off a list.
It isn’t fair that you feel that way, and maybe you are missing your wife’s perspective, or maybe she isn’t being fair to you. Have you had an honest, non-judgmental, non-defensive conversation? Maybe you could split the chores up a different way so you don’t feel like you are doing everything. Maybe her barking orders at you isn’t really about those tasks. Maybe there are other ways she feels unsatisfied and you are directing your energies at things that will never make a difference.
Marriage can be hard. If you can’t communicate together then you should see a counselor separately and then together so that you can work out your issues and build a happy marriage.
I don’t usually pull out the bible in an argument, but it does say that a wife should obey her husband and not the other way around. Perhaps that’s the issue all together, men are logical, women are emotional. When we do things based on logic, tasks are completed in a logical maner, in a way that makes sense, trying to complete a task based on how your wife is feeling is a loosing battle. In this case, the husband can never make his wife happy because her emotions will continually change, but to do something logically, it would never change. Doing something logically is a science, not a theory of what could or might make her happy today. This is why I argue that that women should simply obey their husbands and life would be so much simpler.
I am a woman, a wife, and a partner. Communication and compromise are the key to a happy marriage. In defense of men everywhere, most women create impossible situations for their mates. You have a choice…you can either have an equal partner, or a robot who follows orders. If you are the type who issues orders to your husband, he will become afraid to act independently and take on tasks of his own initiative. Or, he will become passive-aggressive and dig in his heels by refusing to be “told” what to do. Couples need to talk about what each will do in the marriage. Divvy up chores according to what each is best at or doesn’t mind doing. Pick your battles and you’ll win more often. For example: My husband is willing to cook for me, but he makes a terrible mess in the kitchen and has ruined some of my cookware. I’ve had to choose which is more important…having a nice meal prepared for me, or having a clean kitchen and nice cookware. Since cooking for me brings him pleasure, I’ve made the choice to clean up after him and replace stuff that gets ruined. He’s a much better shopper than I am; I’m good at fixing things around the house. He’s willing to scrub floors on his hands and knees; I’m better at folding laundry and making beds. My point is, we discuss these things, even the little annoying things, so we don’t build up resentment and hurt. He should not leave the glass by the sink, but she should not nit-pick about something so minor.
Here here…a woman I agree with. It’s not always the man’s fault when women have ussues.
While I agree with “LadyBlue”, I also note that her husband is actively partnering in the duties. That is often not the case, and it didn’t sound like the case in the article. When everything house-wise is left to the woman, but she is also working (either outside the home or in a home-office) and ALL or the majority of duties fall on her, it can, indeed, be a respect issue rather than a rules issue. When mutual courtesy is exchanged, things go as she experiences. When that exchange does not occur, problems are certain to arise.
This is a great article about the differences about men and (some)women and ways of thinking. It shows that two people need to be good or best friends in a marriage – not selfish little whiners. If a woman looks towards her man to validate herself and the work she does in the family then she has issues. Also if a husband can look on his wife as his best friend whom he not only loves but likes, then he will want to do what makes her happy because he is her friend. Also because she is his friend she will accept this still used glass on face value and not a personal attack towards her value. I think that this is one of the things wrong with some people who get married. They are looking towards the other person for validation, security and to make themselves feel good while that feeling has to come from within. My husband and I are best friends and would never let a situation like that or any other go that far. Sounds like this couple needed a therapist before a lawyer. Maybe if they were friends they would have.
You finally get it! It’s about respecting each other and compromise. Not really hard at all. Although, after 24 years of marriage, I still find it comical that my husband craves a pat on the back for taking the garbage out on Sunday and Wednesday (I take it out the rest of the week & get nothing!) and jumps to do the dishes only when we have guests! On a daily basis I ask myself, “is this issue worth an argument? do I really care THAT much?” and if I do, then I say something! Otherwise, I bite my tongue. I choose to spend our time together NOT arguing, but if I am going to lose sleep over it (or if I am still thinking of it 3 days later), then I owe it to both of us to say something. Remember, the approach is as important as the complaint! “I have a thing about dirty dishes on the counter” sounds much better than “you NEVER put anything away”…
Matt,
I applaud your courage for sharing and being vulnerable. I have this quote by Mother Teresa taped inside our kitchen cabinet. “Wash the plate. Not because it is dirty not because you are told to wash it but because you love the person who will use it next.”
Nice Read. How often we forget that it’s the little things that irritates the most and that such can cost us a lot if not addressed promptly. It doesn’t harm to ask why they do what they are doing and why they do they way the do it.
This is a really great article…so good it should be required reading in marriage counseling! It sounds like you really allowed yourself to look at your part in the failing of the marriage and find the things that needed to change in you…good for you! You will most certainly have a much happier and healthier relationship in the future. That is the thing I think many people fail to do at the end of a relationship…instead of focusing on what the other person did wrong and why it is all THEIR fault the relationship ended, focus on yourself and what you might have done wrong and try to change bad behaviors. It really is too bad that your wife was not able to better articulate why the glass upset her. That is where she was really really wrong. It is unfair to you that she did not tell her why the glass REALLY upset her. It seems if she had been able to express how the glass made her really feel, that it was so much more than the stupid glass, you guys might have had a more fulfilling and lasting relationship. Best of luck to you in the future.
Hey. Thank you. I’m of the opinion that NO wife or husband (who regularly engages in these types of arguments) are able to effectively communicate their feelings.
There are ALWAYS exceptions (and couples who do not have these types of fights are likely among the exceptions)… but I believe strongly that our brains have translators.
And that, as politically incorrect as one might try to paint it, men and women GENERALLY speak two different languages.
And I equate a wife explaining the glass by the sink to her husband as she would to her girlfriend to be the equivalent of her speaking Portuguese to someone who only speaks Mandarin.
And when he explains back, he’s speaking Mandarin, but her translator can’t make it Portuguese.
My premise is that men and women can BOTH be “right.” They can both think and feel true things.
But when the person they love the most doesn’t know how to accurately interpret those things, and they feel hurt and damaged afterward?
I think the divorce statistics (and COUNTLESS number of undocumented shitty and unhappy marriages we hear about) speak for themselves.
I believe there’s a better way.
It starts with the conversation we are having right now.
Thank you so much for being part of it.
wow, I was married to a raving lunatic alcoholic. I guess when you put life in perspective, the glass by the sink is a trivial issue. I wish that was all he did wrong. She must’ve had way more going on than a dish by the sink. That was just an excuse. Life is hard enough as it is, why blow up such a trivial issue?
No. I can relate to this. My husband is a slob and when I come home from work I have to pick up after him every single day. It is exhausting. I have asked him every way I know to take part in maintaining a decent level of tidiness in the house but he doesn’t. I have explained to him in every possible way I know how exactly why it is upsetting, and that will help for a few days but then it is back to the same behaviour. I can’t use our desk to write until I clean up all of his clothes, I can’t tell which clothes of his need to be washed and then he gets mad at me when I wash clothes that weren’t dirty, any time I use the kitchen it is a huge chore and I have to clean the whole thing because he has left cups, coffee spoons, and crumbs everywhere. It is all these small things that add up to me feeling like I am his mother. I did not agree to that. We agreed to be partners and lovers. I could not live like that in the long term. It seems trivial but it isn’t. He isn’t abusive or an alcoholic and he doesn’t insult me verbally, but it still doesn’t make for a happy marriage.
I agree. Most people have differing thresholds as to when they see the house as being messy or dirty. I know my fiancé’s threshold is a lot higher than mine, and I try to take that into account. He does too, by the way. However, when another person’s messiness goes beyond aesthetics, and enters the realm of “I have to clean up someone else’s mess in order to do what I need to do”, then it is seriously impacting you and it is, in fact, something the other person needs to change.
I’m fully aware that I’m a slob and realized long ago that I could never marry a neat freak. It goes right along with political and religious views, leading to arguments that will never be completely resolved. So I married a slob that shares my political and religious views. We clean when we know company is coming or when we admit to each other it has gotten out of hand. There is a harmony in our chaos. I could have married a tidy and neat person, but then I would always be struggling to meet a need for him that isn’t important to me and vice versa. I know a woman who had to leave her husband when she realized his demands of a clean house left her walking on egg shells. He was happy until she forgot to sweep the porch or unload the dishwasher and she came to dread the lectures. How can chaos and order find balance without feeling resentment? The dish by the sink will never be important to me and while I might remember to put it in the dishwasher for the sake of my partner, will my partner reciprocate by giving me a break when I slip up, which is going to happen? I have nothing but respect for people dealing with the challenges of this type of marriage and if you can find a way to make it work, good for you! But I’m going to live in my messy house with my messy husband and argue about issues that matter and not the dish we left by the sink.
This is not a man or woman argument. This is a marriage argument. Throughout reading this, I kept thinking about my husband, and totally related with the man writing it. My husband is an acts of service kind of person. He likes things clean. He likes the bed made. I have pretty much never made my own bed in all of my adult life, unless I’m changing the sheets. I just don’t care. I’m going to mess it back up when I sleep again anyway. But I learned very quickly that it’s hugely important to him, so as much as I REALLY don’t care if the bed ever gets made, I take the time to do it for him because it’s something small and quick I can do for him to make him happy, because it’s huge to him. This is not a men/women issue, this is a people who love each other issue. Thanks for the reminder.
Our Alsace Lorraine was the ironing board. I kept leaving it out (ironing his shirts!) and he always wanted it out of sight. Finally we were ear-deep in an argument and I said, “You have no idea how often I put this thing away! You only see when I don’t, because you aren’t the one ironing. But you always have shirts.” And suddenly, we weren’t fighting any more. Everything is easier when you try to see the other person’s perspective.
Wow.. My fiance and I have lived together for going on 3 years and I still can not get her to clean up after herself. I have told her many times that all I want is for her to compromise with me. I have even gone so far as to printing out a simple weekly chores list for us to do together. Am I the only man out there dealing with this?
My husband deals with this with me. His problem is that WHEN I even get my empty energy drink can to the kitchen, I’ll leave it literally on the counter above the recycle bin. I have no idea why I have this disconnect but I do. A mess just doesn’t bother me but it bothers him and I’ve been feeling bad about it lately. This article is a good motivator for me to remember that my can on the counter is not big deal to me but it’s just one of those little annoyances I could save him, especially because he’s the one who does the majority of the cleaning in the kitchen.
You two are not ready for marriage yet and should go to premarital counseling. Seriously.
If my husband handed me a chores list, I’d be furious. You are acting like a father, not a husband (to-be). I don’t want to sleep with my father.
I’m sorry, this is just crap. She expected you to mind read and do things the way she thought they should be done with out her telling you. You are not a mind reader, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for not being one. I say, speaking from experience, she did you a favor divorcing you. Now go find a women who loves you and doesn’t mind moving your glass. Geesh.
After 40 years of marriage, I have a mantra I stick with…”Is this a hill I want to die on?”
If it’s so important, the answer is yes, I act on it. If it’s not (and a dirty glass would definitely fall into this category), I don’t.
The most important thing, though, is never assume. Never, ever. Ask, talk, listen, laugh, and compromise.
Great article. I have so many thoughts on this!
I think (most) conflicts that trip up relationships occur as we move through the process of achieving true maturity. (that must happen when you die.)
I’ve known my husband 42 years, married 32. On the surface we are truly polar opposites.
The above mentioned “Glass” issue took about five years. But there were a lot of other glasses to deal with in the cabinet and each correlated with particular stages we were going through, with our kids, our jobs, our parents…
But that first glass; it was a bitch. We both had one that needed cleaning.
Once you know how, and that you can, get past a primary conflict, (and you both must want too), it does get easier.
With a few other long married friends, we joke about getting to the other side. It’s a nice place.
So, what about when I HAVE explained it pretty much the same way you have. i.e. I have said, “I know it’s a little, unimportant thing, leaving your jacket over the back of the chair, but it really bothers me and it’s minor effort for you to put it in the closet. So, when you don’t put it in the closet, that send me the message that you aren’t even willing to expend minor effort to prevent something that you know REALLY bothers me. And that makes me feel like you don’t respect or love me, so can you PLEASE hang it up.” I mean, I have literally said that, word for word, several times and yet, he still doesn’t get it and still leaves his shit on the chair that’s 4 feet from the closet. I’ll send him your article, but there’s a good chance he’s going to keep doing those things that I’ve repeatedly explained: “even though I know it’s irrational, it makes me feel like shit when you do that, because NOT doing it would be easy for you and I’ve told you it means A LOT to me for you to not do it, but you still keep doing it and that tells me you don’t care about me.” So what am I left with? HOW should it be explained that he can finally understand? Or does he really just not give a fucking shit about my feeling?
I hear you girl! I’ve been married 20 years to a husband that leaves dishes, silverware, cups, and laundry all over the house and then complains about my lack of housekeeping! I have had the conversation with him MANY times about how this makes my feel, and that I need more help from him if the house is to be kept to his standards. I’m not asking him to WASH the dishes (we do not have a dishwasher), but simply to collect things and bring them to the sink so that I do not have to do a ‘room search’ before I wash dishes. Same with the laundry… don’t leave your dirty underwear on the floor behind the bathroom door when the hamper is literally 3 feet away! Both of us work full time and maybe I shouldn’t make such a big deal about having to pick up after my mate. I do try to ‘pick my battles’, but I can’t help but be frustrated by this adult child who can’t seem to take household responsibilities seriously, and can’t understand why I feel like his mother if I have to ask him repeatedly to ‘please bring your dishes to the sink so I can wash them’, etc. He’s 45!! I don’t have time to wait on him hand and foot! I wish he could read an article like this and take it to heart…. that it isn’t so much about the literal ‘dish’ as it is about respecting the fact that we both work equally hard outside the home and that I wish I could expect him to work equally hard inside it. We have tried to discuss chore distribution and tasks he is willing to do. It’s great that he is willing to take out the trash and scoop kitty litter and mow the lawn in the summer. Yet he is only fully taking responsibility if he remembers that trash day is every Friday and walks past the kitty litter and, seeing it needs scooping, will do it without having to be asked or reminded by me. I often wonder what he would do if he lived on his own…. but sadly, if anything should happen to me, I’m pretty sure he would choose to move back in with his parents and let his mom take care of him.
It is not the brains that’s are different but the testerone and estrogen
I will sound selfish when i say this, but why doI have to change? Why can’t the wife? I don’t see anywhere in here that talks about her trying to understand why it doesn’t matter to men. Or taking the extra effort to realize that a man will love them and that a glass on the sink doesn’t correlate to not respecting what they do. I’ve experienced the exact opposite on things that are important to me, so I can understand and I plan on taking this to heart. I plan on making that effort to wash that glass… but what about my little bit of crazy? I am tired of always giving, but never seeing a return. I feel like she wants me to change ecerything, so that she can continue on without having to. But hey, men are jerks, so we probably all should change.
I felt the same way. She probably SHOULD change.
But maybe we can give to get.
Maybe we can set the example instead of waiting for them to ask us for more.
Here’s what I think I know: MOST couples have these problems.
And MOST couples get divorced.
But MOST men don’t do most of these things I’ve come to believe are the difference between good relationships and bad ones.
I think when men proactively solve the “problem” we don’t realize even exists by doing things that matter to her even when they don’t matter to us, all this stuff we all complain about DOESN’T EXIST.
And then we can focus on, you know, stuff that doesn’t suck all the time.
There’s a better way, and no one’s doing it.
I’m glad people are thinking and talking about it, even if it’s just for one day.
My hubby and I reached the compromise where he can have his glass by the sink….. but it has to be near the faucet where I won’t accidentally knock it over with my elbow or have it take up cooking prep space… etc. As different as our brains are we both want to feel respected (I love that about your article). So he feels like yay I get my cup! And I’m like ok at least I won’t break it again, and he’s moved it. Now 9 years later I have my own water cup on the other side of the faucet (but can’t leave it there overnight… just for a few uses during the day).
It kind of seems ridiculous to argue over a cup, but if at the end of it you both feel respected it doesn’t matter what the argument is really about.
My husband is huge for doing all these little things that would have been simple for him to do, but then instead I have to do them, which adds up to a lot of extra work for me. I am on him about it (off and on, some days I just give up) all the time and I absolutely hate that. I would be really happy to make a compromise but he is not a big talker. I feel like there must be little things that I do that add up for him and if he told me I feel like I would be happy to be a good wife to him.
I don’t know if you are married, but I think most women would be happy for an open conversation about how each partner can foster a happy relationship, in a non defensive conversation of course. Do you feel like you have expressed yourself in a non-judgmental way? If you have and you feel like it wasn’t taken seriously then I could see how you would feel the way the author’s former wife did.
I am sure the divorce was due to far more real things and the root problems were not about dishes.
Husbands and wives each has their irritating habits which drives each other crazy. Marriage will always be a work in progress. Communication is one of the most important thing in a marriage. My husband and I have been married for 341/2 years before he passed away and during that time we did have our drag out, knock down fights. We fought for a week on how I’m not making a picture of tea right. That was in our early stages of our marriage. My husband even said the same thing to me : ” Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.” My response would be the same as the woman ” I’m not your mother.” What I am saying if you truly love each other the differentes you have can always be worked out. I do believe my husband and I would have lasted another 341/2 years because: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, dose no behave indecently, dose not look for its own interests, dose not become provoked. It dose not keep account of the injury. It dose not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hope all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
( 1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 8a ) That is what loves about.
The best line in the article and the whole crux of a relationship “When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore” It is not the case in every situation, but when we choose to give to the other person selflessly and with joy they really do seek to do the same for you. The benefit is even after 19 years of marriage you still find out new things that will please the other person and they find new things that they can do that will please you. Respect, Love, Communication (some stuff we want to hear some not so good), Laughter, Support and Humility all create a great relationship.
This is really inane and sounds like the actual divorce was about far more than this. Maybe he doesn’t even know it. A household is a household. When I have the energy, I do the dishes. When my husband has the energy, he does the dishes. Sometimes I do the dishes days in a row. Sometimes he does them days in a row. Sometimes we both do them. No human being divorces another person they love over leaving a dish or two by the sink, even if it’s a regular habit. Either these two people were not meant to be paired together or this is about more than he’s leading on.
Okay, this author has a whole series cataloging precisely why and how their marriage broke apart. It wasn’t over dishes. This article is misleading and makes his wife sound like a she demon. What an unfortunate way to pose this divorce. Sounds like he’s still self absorbed. He might be working on that, but this article is just bizarre.
Solid reasoning!
I have a series of posts referring to myself as a bad husband and trying to help people understand why, and then I (self-absorbedly) wrote a misleading post and magically made it popular on the internet in order to make my wife look bad.
Totally reasonable conclusion.
What I got from the article was that the Matt knows perfectly well that the divorce had many complex causes. I didn’t feel misled at all. He chose to write about this one part of the entire thing because he had an epiphany about it. An epiphany not about how terrible his wife was, but about how some of his behavior hurt his wife. I’m 99.9% sure that both Matt and his wife did or didn’t do many things that led to the divorce. I’m sure there is plenty of blame on both sides. I’m also sure that Matt is an awesome person to be willing to examine his role in it. It will make him an even better partner in the future. Hopefully his ex-wife is somewhere doing the same thing.
Thank you for getting it.
My least favorite thing about hundreds of thousands of strangers reading one thing I’ve written without context is the resulting comments like the one you just responded to.
So, I appreciate that.
I work in nursing homes for 53 years & the greatest lesson I learned in my marriage came from a 89 year old widow. I was grumbling about my lack of sleep from my husbands snoring & she said I used to say that now I lay in that bed & would give all I own to hear it one more time.25 years later I go to sleep every night after thanking God for our gift of that sound. I guess it would be good if he picked up his clothes from the bathroom floor but he does so many other things for me. Seems if you are so caught up in what he does wrong maybe a list of what he does right might help.
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All women are crazy. They will seem to use anything to get one up on you – including dirty dishes. All women are mental
Just for the record, this is the polar-opposite of what you’re supposed to think and feel.
Either your wife/girlfriend ISN’T crazy… or you make supremely horrible life decisions for attaching yourself to the shitty ones.
Let that marinate for a bit.
Trust me. Even my wife is crazy. They are all crazy. There is no amout of marinate for that. Accept it friend – we are born to lose
Woman to man: “change your behaviour so that I feel loved and respected.”. What part of that speaks to any kind of partnership, compromise or understanding?
I didn’t say that it did, Mark.
It’s your job to have boundaries and self-respect, and to enforce those boundaries and choose good partners who demonstrate the ability to respect your boundaries.
One of her boundaries (and she DIDN’T know you violated them until you lived together full-time) might be something that seems meaningless and benign to you like dirty dishes, or not wearing your shoes in the house, or not throwing loose change on the kitchen counter.
She has the right to enforce those boundaries too.
I’m not asking men to agree with their wives, or even to understand them.
I’m asking men to BELIEVE their wives when they tell him something HURTS profoundly and is damaging their relationship. I’m asking him to give enough of a shit to try to do or not do things that cause her to HURT less. It doesn’t matter what the thing is. Every wife or girlfriend will have different things that matter to them.
So long as men demonstrate, actively, that their partner matters to them, I think marriages will succeed.
Don’t you think she won’t be nagging and domineering and asking for too much once both of you are giving the other what you say you need?
Exactly. Me too.
Thank you for reading. Please try not to do the thing all men do where you assume how you think and feel is “right,” and therefore default to women being “wrong.”
Frankly, THAT is why more than half of all people divorce.
And it’s insane.
So please stop.
It is not about changing your personality, it is about taking mutual responsibility in life and being a partner. Just because you don’t care if you live in a complete mess doesn’t mean your partner should be the one to take responsibility for it if they don’t like it that way. That isn’t reasonable and if you feel like you shouldn’t have to meet your partner half way then I guess it wouldn’t bother you for a relationship to end over it.
Reblogged this on unwritten2016.
This is a really good article, coming from someone who is not yet married. It makes you think about how people treat each other prior to getting married. If a glass bothers you now, what’s it going to be like in 35 years? Bottom like is respect, no matter what stage of a relationship.
This is such a wonderful article, I am going to have to share this on facebook and ask my husband to read it. We have these kinds of fights all the time and I have flat out told him that if it doesn’t stop I will one day resent him so much that I wont be able to be with him anymore. This, of course, is after I have told him how I feel and why in every way possible that I know how. I don’t enjoy nagging him and I don’t enjoy picking up after him like he is a child. It is definitely about respect. I love my husband so much and it is really awful to have these tiny things wear so heavily on an otherwise incredible relationship, but I shouldn’t have to be responsible for every day to day function in the home. It is too much.
Maybe having it explained by another man will make it finally make sense.
Thank you.
It’s not about the glass. It’s never about the glasses, or the dishes, or the laundry on the floor.
It’s about the contempt. “I’m too good to do X task, but I expect you to do it” is an expression of contempt. It can be the household chores, or it can be taking care of the kids, or it can be who has to go out and work the really demeaning job while the other partner looks for a “good” job because the economy is crap. It can be who changes the diapers. It can be who does the scheduling or handles balancing the checkbook or making the unpleasant calls or who makes sure the oil gets changed in the car.
ANY time one partner finds that a particular task is “the other person’s job” and they aren’t willing to step up and do it occasionally because “I’m the woman, I don’t take out the garbage” or “I’m the man, I don’t worry about dishes”, or even “I’m a Skilled Professional, so since I’m laid off YOU have to take the fast food job because it’s beneath me”, what you’re ACTUALLY EXPRESSING is “You are lesser than I am”. You might not mean it that way. You might not even feel that way. In fact, you probably don’t – but that’s what got expressed to your partner.
When you are expressing contempt for your partner, the marriage cannot last. Everyone reading this knows what being held in contempt feels like, and everyone knows how subtle that can be.
It’s not whether it’s the man’s fault or the woman’s fault; contempt is not exclusive to any particular demographic. Everyone hates being held in contempt.
So, no. It’s got nothing to do with the glass by the sink. The glass by the sink is what we call an illustrative point, and I thought it was pretty well done.
Will you marry me? 😉
One post, two proposals.
Fantastic.
I’m not that great, Stephanie! Thank you for the smile.
Getting to the “why” of an argument helps to communicate the real problem. It is unfortunate you both are negatively effected by a lack of communication and understanding. However, the next relationship YOU have, sir, will be better for it. I only hope your ex-wife has the opportunity to learn this lesson as well. Otherwise, she is likely to repeat a similar relationship. I hope she reads your blog. Not only would she gain some peace, the insight would help her in the future.
This article hits so close to home. You are spot on with the emotions of both the husband and wife.
It’s nice that you’ve made the step of thinking, “I don’t understand why this is important to her, but since it is, I’ll act as if it’s important.” But maybe you could take the further step of thinking, “This is important to someone I love and respect, maybe I’m *wrong* in thinking it’s not important. Maybe she sees something I don’t see yet.”
Brain
I don’t have wife but my ex used to read my column ..may be she found my artical entertaing..but she pissed off when I write about her ..then i found that thing entertaing 😉
They are pissed off no matter what anyway. I dont think there is ever a day when they happy.
Well. The description of what is happening is spot on, but I have to take issue with the whole man/women angle. My wife is the glass leaver and I am the one who takes that as a sign of disrespect. Having said that, I can say that I am not sure about the conclusion that it is the glass leavers responsibility to recognize that, maybe I should not judge whether my wife loves me or not based on her compliance to every single little request I make.
Why communication is so important. And personality types.. I would have asked why the glass never goes in the dishwasher and ideally you would have answered because you would use it again and I’d answer Ok. the glass is agreat metaphor but one of a hundred other things. It’s impossible for us to understand how we are like to live with. But you are trying though i feel it’s much much more than respect – it is how happy we are married to that person.
I can’t help but ask men how they would feel if they were going to mow the lawn and the wife was in the habit of leaving glasses on the lawn, repeatedly. He has to stop and pick up all of the glasses each time before he mows the lawn. Now, it’s not like the husband mows the lawn daily! It’s not bothering anyone sitting in the middle of the lawn, or by the mailbox/driveway edge or landscaping (where it will be trimmed by weed eater or edger). And if the husband were to say, ”Leaving a glass on the lawn where I have to keep picking them up is really aggravating and makes me feel like you don’t appreciate the work I do, and that you totally disrespect me. As though I have to follow around behind you picking up what you feel is beneath you to do.. because I am not equal, a lesser person than you.
My husband and I are both in our early 30’s and have been together since High School. We have 3 kids who are 18mos apart and all in school this year. We have been through so many ups and downs in the coarse of our marriage (10years) and the cup on the counter issue ended shortly after there was not only his cup, but 3 other cups from our kids left on the counter as well. That’s life, that’s reality… be thankful for the little hands who put the glass there. I understand her issue with the cup being about so much more to her than just a glass… but, the way I look at it is that, I do a lot of things that prob drive my husband insane as well. You aren’t perfect either.
Be thankful you have a spouse and a family together. For as many things you can choose to bicker about, there is always something you can choose to be thankful about instead. Perspective is everything! <3
We give ourselves a chance to overcome anything when we focus on the pros and not the cons.
You said it: Gratitude. The first step on any journey toward things that are sustainably satisfying.
Thank you for saying it.
I haven’t read all the replies but just wanted to say – if a wife is not willing to make allowances for a husband’s bad habits, there’s a lot mote to what broke up the marriage than the husband not putting a glass in the dishwasher.
I can say this from experience, I am a wife with two short marriages behing me (2 years and 6 years) and am in a long one one (27 years) which works because we both make allowances for each other – because we care enough to do so.
Wow. I agree with you. My husband and I have been married for 26 years, and not always happily. While DH has *always* been responsible and reliable and faithful, he has not always been responsive to my needs, and I have felt resentful over it. You see, while I admire so much about my husband, it was clear to me that he was all those wonderful things by nature and nurture. I appreciate and am grateful for all of his wonderful qualities (and expressed my appreciation and gratitude freely and frequently), but I never felt that anything he did was motivated by his love for me. And being a relatively quiet man, it was not in his nature to express his love or appreciation for me. So, for years, I have felt like a relatively unimportant accessory to my husband’s life.
About a year ago, DH became convinced that I was preparing to leave our marriage (I wasn’t), and suddenly began to hear my petitions. Simple things. Thoughtful things. Big things. I feel so valued! So respected! So loved! We are like newlyweds!
I keep wondering if I am going to wake up and discover it was all just a pleasant dream.
I wasn’t preparing to leave our marriage. Not at all, but I had sort of given up. I was trying to remain pleasant, but I gave up all expectations I had of our relationship. I needed to feel valuable, and appreciated. I stopped sacrificing for the sake of the marriage. I started doing things that were important to me, taking classes at the YMCA, adopting eating and sleeping habits that suited me, reaching out to old friends with whom I had lost contact in all the years of child-rearing. This was a jarring transition for my DH, and I did everything I could to reassure him, but in the end, it was my actions that finally got through to him that I was unhappy, where words had failed. And when he thought I was unhappy enough that I might actually leave him, he found himself wanting to please me, so desperate that he was even willing to do the things that I had told him I would appreciate. He acknowledged that his pride had been in the way. He had to humble himself, and now he is prouder than ever of the exemplary husband he is demonstrating to our sons. I am so grateful and tell him so all the time. And by his thoughtfulness in looking for ways to please me, I find that the things that go undone don’t bother me at all. I am still going to the Y, going on bike rides and beach walks, but now he goes with me. We together have worked on and supported each other in adopting healthier eating and sleeping habits. We have talked more in the past year than we had in the preceding decade, and he has shown a relentless interest in knowing more about me, and trying to understand what is important to me. I have never been so happy in our marriage, not even when we were newlyweds.
Thank you for your article. I wish you happiness and healing from your divorce (and for your former wife as well).
This is exactly why I left. . .plus some additional complications. He still doesn’t get it and actually prefers me gone. 🙁 we have two small children. . .I thought that if I actually left he’d realize what I did for him. . .#stillclueless
Completely relate to your ex-wife — my spouse needs to be asked before attending to everyday tasks like putting away dirty laundry on the floor and putting away dishes. As you say, it’s not the discrete occurrences that make this insufferable, so much as the underlying notion that I have to manage or parent my spouse.
But this isn’t necessarily about your wife wanting to feel loved. In my case, at least, I know that my spouse loves me a lot. The cause of exasperation is more direct and straightforward: it is just a pain in the ass to have to *manage* your partner. It is demoralizing to envision going through all of life’s challenges — children, mortgages, illness etc– with a partner who needs to *asked* to complete even rudimentary chores.
Second, the gender essentialism in this discussion seems way off base to me. My wife and I struggle with this issue despite a reversal of the gender roles.
I am right there with you. My husband and I love each other very much. We support each other and appreciate each other in every other way… but when it comes to the house he is a total slob and I have to pick up after him every single day when I get home from work. It makes me feel like a mother and a maid. It isn’t like the relationship is awful, but that part of it takes such a toll that I can’t imagine being part of this relationship in ten years if things don’t change. To me it feels like he doesn’t respect that aspect of our relationship, even though I feel respected and loved in all other aspects.
But I guess, on that note, I feel like our intimacy has suffered because after a hard day of work and an hour cleaning up his mess I don’t feel very sensuous sometimes.
I had a couples therapist explain this to me:
Man comes in and drops coat on back of couch, wowan comes in and puts hers away in the closet…who’s right? Who is doing it properly?
We’d have a tendency to say the woman, as she picked hers up…but the truth is NONE of them is correct…or BOTH if you want…it’s how you grew up, habits you picked up over the years…everyone (man or woman) does things differently…so if something your partner does irritates you, TALK, but don’t expect them to change (if they do, great! If they don’t, well question yourself…is everything you do perfect in your partners eyes? I can guarantee the answer is no…he might be frustrated when you leave the laundry piled up for a day) so it’s a game of compromises and adapting
Totally agree, Crystal. Super-wise stuff here.
But it doesn’t account for the part where when men and women talk to one another, they often don’t make sense to each other, even though both are “right” and both “make sense.”
We don’t just need to talk. We need to learn HOW TO TALK. And that’s REALLY hard.
You can tell because most couples have the same fight over and over for 5-10 years, and then divorce.
That last sentence reads like exaggeration. But it’s actually true.
And it doesn’t have to be.
Thank you for weighing in. Good stuff there.
How do you stop having the same fight over and over again? Every Saturday I have the same argument with my husband…it’s exhausting and so frustrating.
I totally agree with crystal and the therapist, it is super silly to want the other person to be perfect or be like you. My husband does a ton for me, and I do a ton for him. I dont hold him to everything he doesnt do perfectly. that is unfair and I hope he doesnt hold me to those standards either. My dad always said the girl always wants the guy to change and the guy doesnt want the girl to change but the opposite always happens.
I agree with you crystal everything you do in your partners eyes is not perfect
No. Man is expressing dominance by taking up the back of the couch with his coat instead of putting it in the closet as lesser mortals like his wife are expected to do. If his wife wants to sit on the couch, well, his coat is sitting there and she’ll have to just deal with it poking her in the back. And of course she has decorated the living room to look a certain way, and his coat on the couch says “f you” to that. Most of marriage is men making little f you gestures, and then also going off about engagement rings and Valentine’s Day and any way in which they are required to say anything to their wives that isn’t “f you,” and then wondering why their wives have come to see sex as a chore. (Hint: it’s gotta be done his way–her on top, no clitoral contact, no tiresome foreplay and no afterplay. And if he ever figures out that the bath she takes afterwards is important to her physical health, he’ll make sure she is forced to shower instead. Gee, who’s right here?)
Yes. Exactly this.
Following this logic, my husband and I should be constantly in a state of FU competition since we’re both men. Perhaps you just illustrated the point of this blog post brilliantly by showing other areas where something is done (or not done) in one way and meaning is attached to it by the other partner.
Perhaps conversation about this coat and how it makes you feel disrespected and belittled is more constructive than making up reasons why he is doing these things and then treating these reasons as if they’re true.
After 28 years, my husband and I have gotten quite good at getting annoyed at each other then following that up with having a conversation about how X made us feel like Y (which often times the other person thought X meant Z) just explaining these perceptions to each other clean them up quickly be since neither of us is actively trying to piss the other one off …
I’d believe that if they were both OK with multiple coats piling up on the couch, or if the man consistently went to the couch and used the SAME coat every day so they didn’t pile up, or if he didn’t bat an eye when his wife threw her coat *over* his, causing him to have to move hers to get to his in the morning.
But I think one of the things that can make small things toxic to a relationship in the long term is the assumption that it’s just this one little thing, and that those little things don’t often add up to a systematic unfairness. Has the couple agreed that they’re OK with a coat-covered couch? Is part of their domestic bargain that he mows the lawn and she puts his coat away? Or is he just throwing his coat there because it’s easy to do, if she calls him out she’ll look petty, and they both know she’s going to deal with it (happily or not) on her next cleaning spree? It’s a lot easier to pretend it’s “just about one coat” when you’re not the person who’s going to be hanging up 5 coats at the end of the week.
And, I think that’s where the divide often is: when the man looks at one dirty glass by the sink each night, he sees… one dirty glass by the sink. An outlier. No biggie. But if the wife is the person who loads the dishwasher consistently, she sees the glass she just cleared yesterday. And the glass she’ll clear tomorrow. And all the glasses she’s going to have to clear this week and the next. Which is fine if that’s part of their domestic bargain.
But if she’s upset about it – and he’s trying to pretend THIS glass is the exception, week after week – then it clearly isn’t part of the bargain they’ve struck. And if he’s willing to gaslight and guilt her over a 4-second effort to get a cup in the dishwasher (I mean, he *could* always say “oops, sorry!” and toss it in), you can see where she gets off thinking her wants and needs must not be that important to him.
I would like to point out another dimension to the glass on the counter. My hubby, whom I adore, leaves all his dishes on the counter above the dishwasher. No matter how many times I have asked him to put his dishes into the dishwasher, it’s like he’s allergic to actually doing so. The reason why I get angry is because this means I am the one who has to put every single dish that is used in our house into the dishwasher. Every day. All year. This makes me feel taken advantage of, treated like a servant. When my hubby actually puts away his dirty dishes, it says to me, “You are not my servant. I don’t expect you to clean up after me.” Then, I can enjoy giving him a break by doing the dishes or putting his dishes away, or doing other helpful things for him, because – like you said – I feel respected and valued overall.
However, for the record, if my husband never puts another dish into the dishwasher, that is still not something that would ever lead us to a divorce. I didn’t vow to be with him “until I no longer felt loved and respected.” Our vows were permanent, not something to opt out of later on. For wives, that glass on the counter can be a reminder to love our husbands despite the imperfections and grievances… because, as mentioned, we certainly bring enough of our own to the marriage as well!
We have a winner!!! Well done, Jojo!!!
If everyone could read the book Love and Respect, that would be great 🙂 Unconditional love and unconditional respect is how its done!!!
I feel like that book is sexist though. He makes some points, but love isn’t necessarily more important to me than respect just because I’m female. I find respect to be equally important.
My gosh, if that wasn’t in your vows it should be. I mean it’s one thing to have an off day or something but to be able to say my husband doesn’t respect me and I don’t think he loves me? That is a reason to not be in the relationship anymore.
For the record, I don’t put dishes in the dishwasher because my SO always tells me I do it wrong so I said I just won’t do it and then you can do it the way it “should” be done. If he wants to spend time one day showing me how he likes it loaded, I’m ready.
Would this be the same as not buying your wife, the mother of your two children, a Mother’s Day gift because she isn’t your mother?
oh damn!
LOVE this! Extremely well said and very true.
I’m on marriage number two and it’s totally different this time around. I realized I could choose focus on the irritating things he does or I could choose not to. I also realized I am not perfect. I do irritating things. I actively chose and continue to choose everyday to see humour in his quirks. I tease him about them driving me crazy. It’s good humoured teasing that we both share in, back and forth. We laugh a lot. We both chose that. We grew up. He’s going to forget and leave his tools wherever he finished using them. I’m going to tease him about it (maybe take a picture of the hammer in the grass beside the chicken coop and text it to him with a smiley face) before I put it away where I feel it should live. He makes an effort to remember after 7 years. I make an effort to not take it personally or to think bad of him when he forgets. He’s the man I love. The one I want to grow old with. He’s there at night eating tangerines with me in bed while we watch comedy reruns. He’s my best friend. I focus on him fixing the chicken coop, holding my hand when I’m scared, accepting me when I’m falling apart, sharing his last tangerine section with me, not the dropped hammer or glass or wet washcloth or anything else negative. He’s my best friend. He doesn’t bug me about how terrible I am about keeping the laundry under control or about losing my hair clips or sunglasses or bringing home stray animals he never wanted.
None of us are perfect. We all make choices. We choose to laugh, let go and love.
Beautiful! I love that you found a way to love and be happy and not let the little things get in the way.
This comment is better than the article
Ouch!
But a tip of the cap to Christina, of course.
That is the point I’ve gotten to with my husband. He is the husband in this article, down to the exact reasons why he leaves the glass on the counter, lol. It still annoys me when he does it, or when he drapes his jacket over the chair instead of hanging it up. I still ask him to clean it up, but at the same time, I’ve learned to pick my battles and not get enraged over it when he forgets. It’s a lot more peaceful this way.
Peace is a very pale second to happiness.
Ditto! Thank you for sharing this perspective as well. It’s our second marriage as well. I have a different appreciation for what to address in a serious or playful manner, and also what to ignore. Our energies are well spent on making an effort, things that matter and at times, that is cleaning up a pile of clothes (or dishes) if it’s around “too long” by my definition. We understand each other’s need for love and respect. I know that nagging does us no good and does not make him hear me. We accept our imperfections and that we’re perfect for each other in our balance. You hit the nail on the head!
…and so, men need to learn EMPATHY. Shocking.
Lynda, I think you missed the point if that’s your conclusion.
“When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.”
You do things you don’t necessarily want to do because that’s the price of admission. Period. You don’t have to like doing it. You don’t have to understand it. You don’t have to feel like it’s bringing you closer to that person. You just do it because that’s what it costs to be with that person. So you do it and you accept it and you move on for as long as you are willing to pay the cost. You don’t have to have a happy song in your heart and turn your annoyances into pleasure in order to make a relationship last. What you do is say “Yes, it is annoying and not what I want to do but my partner also has to put up with my bullshit so I will put up with theirs”. What the author suggests is, in my view, entirely unhelpful and largely destructive because no matter how hard you try turn that frown upside down you are only repressing your emotions. You don’t have to vent them but you should at least accept them and place them in context. Relationships are hard. They really are. If they were easy every one of them would last forever. The author’s viewpoint, in my view, would only make them harder.
It is about looking at different point of views but if a partner NEEDS something, as mundane or ridiculous as the other may think it is – YOUR partner NEEDS something! If you actually care about them, you should TRY and give them what they need. If it’s a 4 second glass (or in my case) – to stop putting the clothes on top of all three baskets of the laundry bin, but actually push it in side (because it is breaking and it took me almost 2 years and 6 tries to find a laundry bin that fit for our family of six and limited space) – Just SHOW your partner you respect their needs and DO IT! Disrespect can lead to distrust. You CANNOT be in a partnership with someone you distrust… just saying.
This is a great piece.
Using your glass misstep as an example: what were to happen if you DID follow your wife’s prompt to put the glass in the sink…and then you STILL felt that she were truly making this a “big deal”? Whether you communicate this feeling to her or not, maybe you think she’s making a “mountain out of a molehill”, because, in her request for your small act of service (glass in the sink), she has tied such strong feelings to the connections in the relationship (mutual respect, adoration, acknowledgment of love). What dude wouldn’t see his wife (or any woman) as “blowing up” over something so small, regardless of whether the act of service was completed? Did you feel this way and only understand the importance to her POST-damage?
I ask this because, it seems that, even though a husband may complete the request for this…he may still not be able to relate to how it corresponds to a woman’s psyche and/or how it would make a woman feel about the relationship/connection with her man. This isn’t necessarily a complete negative, but the gap definitely needs to be bridged (communicated) somehow.
Well… my wife linked me to this article. I understand it COMPLETELY. But, what about the millions of times I have asked her to quit flicking cigarette ashes ALL OVER THE GARAGE FLOOR because it is the ONLY place I “sort of” have to call my own yet ZERO fucks given by her??? How many times have I told her how much it HURTS that she is a “closet hoarder” and every drawer in the house is so full of HER clutter if you can even get it open, you sure as hell can not close it yet ZERO fucks are given??? Shall I continue? Oh… I am the ONLY $$$ provider and I have bought her many coffee pots and a Keurig… but STILL she goes to Starbuck’s DAILY and buys $5 coffees. Shall I continue??? There are too many of these “isms” of her’s to even list here. So, in this article let’s replace “her” with “him” for a second. All that said… I DO NOT THINK I AM SOME INNOCENT ANGEL EITHER!!!
So, WHAT DO I DO???
Hey Jeffrey.
I 100-percent get what you’re saying. It’s valid and fair across the board. I can’t defend a spouse complaining to you about certain behaviors that are steeped in hypocrisy.
I guess I’d ask you to trust that this article could be written in a 180-degree role-reversal way for virtually every partnership.
The dish by the sink is a metaphor.
The ashes on the garage floor is a metaphor.
Wives blatantly disrespecting their husbands and marriages are obviously as EQUALLY shitty as husbands doing so.
The vast majority of things I write are first-person accounts of things I remember from my marriage that I believe culminated in my divorce.
And, in my experience, sharing these stories sometimes helps men rethink some of their beliefs and behaviors.
A lot of times, no one is “wrong.”
But when we don’t actively choose things that make our spouses feel respected and validated, everything breaks.
I hate divorce. I think it’s a very bad thing. I think I know why 70-80 percent of them occur. And I think it’s this very conversation we are having right now.
We don’t have to just stand around waiting for everything to suck and fall apart.
We can make a better choice. Every day, we can.
Thanks a lot for reading this and taking time to comment.
I divorced after 18 years, 3 kids and I am now an advocate for NO DIVORCE. Of course there are always “those” couples that need to divorce. I’m in a situation where if a score was kept… I would be on the winning side. Again, I have my “isms” and a lot of them. But I am honestly thinking… “why in the hell did you link me to a post that points out your issues way more than mine”. I think that might explain it. She’s not aware of her “isms” herself. One of the worst ones is her mother has this odd tendancy to waste a boat load of food. They ALL cook meals that would feed Ethiopia for a month and then leave it out and throw it away. I am like, ok, there went like $100 and hours of our lives we will never get back. But again, no change!
“A lot of times, no one is “wrong.”” And a lot of other times, someone IS wrong. I’m not about smoothing over misdeeds and bad behavior and pretending everything is blissful. Life is too damn short to put up with any shit that you don’t have to put up with. Call it like it is, cut your losses and get on with being happy without that anchor around your neck.
Strong boundaries are VERY important.
There’s a line. Everyone needs to decide where their personal line is.
I personally take the concept of marriage vows very seriously. That makes it tricky, sometimes. Especially with children.
But your general take is one I agree with.
Thank you for reading.
We’d need to see her side of the story. It sounds like by sending you a link to this article, she was making a passive aggressive statement. I first of all suggest you two rid yourselves of any passive aggression and talk it out. Don’t attempt to read her mind, don’t let her read yours, don’t read between lines, don’t accuse, don’t attack, reassure each other that you still like and love each other, just constructively criticize what the other person does that it imposing on your space and comfort. But from your comment I will say some things…
1. You have to explain the why’s to her, not just ‘because it’s my space’. Tell her she shouldn’t flick her cigarette ash on the garage floor because not only is it an issue of cleanliness, it’s an issue of fire hazard. The garage is still a part of the house.
2. She is allowed to buy stuff and have stuff. If she buys more physical items than you do of course she will have more stuff around the house. It’s not like she’s marking her territory. It is just as much her space as it is yours, even if you pay the rent/mortgage and bills. My boyfriend uses his money on buying games on Steam. I use my money to buy clothing, shoes, bags, etc. So yeah, my stuff takes up more space.
3. Never feel bitter because the financial weight pulled is uneven. It’s unfair unless your partner does absolutely nothing (like, they don’t even clean or cook). You need to find value in household work and maintenance. No one likes doing dishes, doing laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, taking out the garbage, cooking dinner, cleaning the counters, cleaning the bathroom, etc. Just because it takes place at home does not mean it’s leisurely.
4. If she is a hoarder, then that’s a whole issue outside of your relationship. Hoarding is a form of OCD, and it can also be a result of growing up in a family that did not respect personal belonging or space. If you truly believe she is a hoarder you need to convince her to seek professional help because hoarding, again, is a fire hazard, it’s an infestation risk, and it is a mold risk. It sounds like it’s really getting to you, and if you feel if this issue was dealt with it’d result in a happier marriage then it might be worth taking seriously and addressing.
5. Stop buying coffee makers for her if she doesn’t use them. Those things are novelty gimmicks anyway. Get her the basic necessities and call it good. My dad does this to my mom every Christmas and she feels bad telling him she doesn’t like them or want them, but she never uses them. If you are fully supporting her financially and you feel you guys can’t afford starbucks every day, then tell her she has got to stop and if she doesn’t you might have to limit her funds so that the bills can get paid. If this is purely out of annoyance because you’re just anti Starbucks and how much their coffee costs, that’s kind of unfair for her. That’s being more dictating than anything. However, if it turns out she is a hoarder, limiting her access to your money until she can change her habits might be a good idea. But you will need to talk to her about this, don’t just surprise her and let her find out the hard way. That is passive aggressive.
There might be more to what she does for you that you aren’t recognizing. And maybe reminding yourself of everything she’s done for you will lighten up your bitterness. It’s easy to dismiss the person who does the household work because it doesn’t bring in money, but it is quite the job to take care of a home.
I completely get what he is saying, and I appreciate him so much for saying it!
There is a somewhat opposite yet related perspective that I have been trying to live by. Like everything, it goes in and out of my awareness. It is a marriage philosophy (horribly called, and with a fucking rose on the book cover) The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle. (It isn’t about BDSM). In a nutshell, it’s about how women tend to try and control everything in their lives, including their kids and spouse, and we become exhausted, and often the husband and kids don’t follow orders anyway, so it’s all wasted effort. The book advocates wearing ‘duct tape’ and keeping your mouth shut about all the little things, or, to quote this guy’s blog post, ‘You take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with him, and tell him how he’s getting something wrong and failing you.’
In this Surrendered philosophy, maintaining harmony is more important than how the towels were folded, or if the kids were bathed. If you ask for something and it isn’t delivered, that is one thing, yet many women don’t ask, and like this dude says, men aren’t psychic. I have had to learn to ask for what I need, in many areas of my life. The most important part of this philosophy is self-care. It advocates doing at least three things for yourself everyday. As women, wives and mothers, we often give ourselves away, and we are so depleted that it feels like everyone and everything is simply more work for us to do. If we take impeccable care of ourselves, and work to arrange our lives to make this possible, we will have a better ‘battery charge’ and our loved ones’ behavior won’t seem so bad. Examples of self-care:
1. Lunch with a friend (where you air your grievances about your brood, by noting victories, which are times you used your duct tape and kept your cool, thereby keeping harmony, and you also discuss your challenges, the things that drive you batty).
2. Watch a music video or three online, see what those people/dancers look like in that vid.
3. Have your coffee or tea while staring into space or doing absolutely anything else you want, without interruption.
4. Go to the health club.
5. You get the idea, whatever recharges you may be completely different for someone else.
There’s a lot more, like how to know if you’re with an abusive man and when you shouldn’t stay (important). And honestly some of the book is completely cringe-worthy and has a God component that’s a little too strong for me, but I wanted to share.
This shit is hard!
And then there’s also this: https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en
Recharging your batteries is great, but not by airing your dirty laundry to your friend at lunch. That is not respecting your husband in any way. The lunch with a friend can be a recharge, but not if you use it the wrong way.
Respect must go both ways in a relationship.
I do agree that both sides need to remember that the other person is not psychic. Sometimes you feel like your partner knows you so well that they should know what you are feeling at any given moment, but they don’t necessarily. If you don’t speak your desires out loud, they will never be known. However, choosing what battles are important may also be wise. Does it really matter that your husband didn’t put the glass away or is something else about that bothering you? If it’s about respect, then say it is…but we need to first recognize that is what is bothering us about the glass being left on the counter, and that is not always easy to do.
Reblogged this on All about life and makeup talks and commented:
things are really happening why would I divorce my husband because he left dishes by the sink that is really crazy what do you guys think
Great read looking forward to reading more.
A friend who resonated with your post sent it to me for commiseration. That will be tough because I do not think you have really gotten to the core of the disconnect. Can respect genuinely coexist with disdain? The metaphorical glass is referred to as a “bullshit” issue and your wife’s concern over it is maintained as “irrational” throughout the piece. That seems more like a recipe for building resentment. The blame for the problem is still being laid very much at the feet of the woman.
I would respectfully suggest that you’ve misread what I wrote, OR that I did a really bad job writing it.
Fact: Husbands GENERALLY believe something like a glass being by the sink is no big deal. And that by virtue of them being married to their wives and pledging lifelong love and togetherness, feel that they should not be criticized and made to feel inadequate for something that–to husbands–feels petty and meaningless. After all, it’s just a glass by the sink.
This post was an attempt to help husbands who behave and feel as I once did in my marriage, conclude that those beliefs about the glass (IF their wives have mentioned it more than once and suggested it causes pain) are mistaken as soon as their wives say it hurts.
This isn’t about a man thinking fights about dirty dishes are irrational and/or bullshit.
This is about a man NOT BELIEVING that his wife feels pain (or that she’s “allowed” to) over a glass, because he can’t logically connect something so seemingly minor to him as something pain-inducing.
“It wouldn’t hurt me, so it shouldn’t hurt you!”
And just like that, he deprives her of her “right” to feel something she naturally felt.
When you do that enough times, LOVE DIES. And marriages and relationships end.
And I don’t think most men guilty of this behavior truly understand that. That this thing not registering on their emotional radar WILL end their marriage one day after enough pinpricks pile up to equal a gushing wound.
I was hoping this example might help some people draw the same conclusions I did.
Ruining relationships over dirty dishes seems like a pretty terrible idea.
Thanks for reading.
Agreed. Thank you for clarifying. To your point, I’m not really your audience, which is primarily other men.
My female (married) peers are well-educated, have a career/profession that takes much more than 40 hrs a week and typically make more money than their spouses. These enlightened and empowered women are still carrying the weight of home and child care. It’s maddening to witness.
Your take in this blog moves things in the right direction and that is an inherently good thing!
Awesome of you to write back and say so. Thank you very much for taking time out of your life to read and comment here.
Yep, totally in this situation right now. Love is dead, hope is gone, divorce is on the horizon. Repeated arguments for years with nothing changing. Going out on a date isn’t going to help at this point, the hole is huge. How do you fix it? We never wanted our kids to come from a broken family.
There’s also the added aspect of the patriarchal culture which believes that doing dishes is women’s work. As in, women do the work for no pay, and men have a right to expect to be served. So to me, it does seem a bigger deal than just being inconsiderate.
The expectation of male privilege was kind of astounding to me when it showed up in my marriage – not in the least because we had discussed gender roles at length before we got married, and we’d lived together… and then suddenly he wanted to be able to assert some kind of man of the house role which I never signed up for. (This happened to a number of women of around the same age – we all thought we’d negotiated something like equality. Most worked out something they could live with, but it was a rude surprise for almost everyone. And seriously, this wasn’t my ex’s greatest problem.)
I could understand that he was tired, frustrated, insecure, and sometimes felt powerless. He totally had my sympathy and support on those. Where he lost it was when he tried to regain it by stepping on me. Some things we could find reasonable answers for – that I am the kind of person who puts in a twelve hour day and then comes home and makes a lasagne to de-stress, while he pretty much did nothing around the house ever was largely fixable by him hiring housekeepers out of his discretionary funds. (Housekeepers cost less and save more marital friction than you probably imagine. This was wonderful. Seriously, if you both work and are butting heads over housework issues, and can afford it at all, make it a priority.)
The constant status games, though, were pretty awful. My housework should be worth less than his, because I enjoyed it. (Okay, in that case I did retort that much of mine was skilled labor and had higher market value.) That my job was less important (even though my job bought the house, paid most of the bills, and kept him in health insurance. Which was a horrible double bind – pointing this out seemed to be rubbing his nose in my own comparative professional success, but then, it’s not like I brought it up.) He tried to claim that I should have dinner on the table half an hour after we got home from work – not that there was even an agreement that I should cook, not that I was working any less than him. (I laughed and told him he could get his own dinner in that case.) I should cook what he wanted me to cook. (No. But he could ask, nicely. I like cooking for people. I will usually try to make things other people enjoy, because I like seeing people enjoy my food. Just remember that no one owns me or my labor, and put the dishes in the dishwasher if that’s what we’ve agreed on, and we’re good. And a few compliments will have me making something fancy the next night! I’m so easy.) I “should” be worse than him at computers and martial arts, because I have so many other skills. (Look, you don’t get to a priori say you’re going to be better than me at the two main things we share. You get to practice and be as good as you are, and I’m not going to pretend to be less because your masculinity is so fragile, though I’ll be polite and not make a fuss about how good I am because no one needs that shit.) (Also, I can not tell you how depressing it was to have women of a generation older tell me that I should pretend to be less competent to make him feel better about himself. “Because men are babies like that.” And people say feminists have a lousy opinion of men!)
… Even writing this is kind of like setting up the train wreck that was to come, isn’t it? I guess I could add that he tried hitting me (that bit about being better at martial arts? Totally not better at martial arts, even when catching me unawares. Also, I won’t live with someone who is likely to hit me. Aiee.)
But as I said, my ex was the extreme case – but a couple years into marriage having a spouse suddenly start expecting you to take on all the traditional women’s roles seemed to be a pretty major thing for a lot of the women I know.
This is utter nonsense. If a marriage is dependent on whether one puts a glass into a dishwasher or puts away some clothes or some other minor irritant then there are bigger problems in paradise than these objective signs. I long ago let go of such expectations from my spouse and likewise he has of me. Our focus is more on the emotional side: trust, respect, love, being there, support, etc. Not whether chores were done or some one made a mess. Our children teach us this all the time. As adults we have habits and they do not all need to changed to make one person or the other happy. If you truly love some one, you love them for the way they are, not the way you are or want them to be!!
Psssssssst. METAPHOR.
Thanks for reading!
I just stumbled across this and might I say I completely understand. In my house according to my wife EVERYTHING HAS A PLACE no if and/or buts about it. She will move things that I momentarily put down and not say a word about it until in upset because I can’t find it.
The thing between my wife and I is we have been in a completely broken relationship to the point of her hating me saying I never want to see you again. All over what I thought was completely trivial things and it didn’t really matter what I said it was done. I spent months reading and seeking help from mentors, friends, and pastors. Going to events about stronger marriages or lasting relationships and finally I get some slack.
We spent some time talking and I had learned I made just as big a deal about not doing things as she made about them being done so we were incessantly locked in a struggle of who was right and wrong. We fought in such an ugly way it caused not only hurt but anger and physical illness. IT WAS AWFUL but we kept going at it. She’s left me a couple times for some of the same issues and it completely blind sided me because I never knew what I was doing to upset her. I was never told until there was so much there she couldn’t even formulate an expressing for how she felt.
It’s been a short 3 years so far but we have learned so much about how to talk when it’s important and when to even express needs. We rarely ever argue anymore and when we do it’s resolved faster than we ever thought we could manage. It’s honestly blissful thank God. Some things that stood out the most that we learned is
1. a couple can not rely solely on the other for happiness people are not perfect therefore will not deliver happiness as much as you want.
2. You can’t expect anything out of the other. I don’t say this to seem like the other is just worthless you just can’t expect anything out of. Im saying this because if you don’t walk around expecting “that glass to be put in the sink” you can’t be hurt or disrespected when it’s not.
3. You’re not wrong, you’re different!
Those long nights we spent aching absolutely sick despising one another because we were so bent on being right. Yea all completely avoidable, I wasn’t wrong because I didn’t put my shoes away that I was going to put right back on. She wasn’t wrong for putting them away! We’re simply different and it took us forever to develop the mindset to allow for our little differences.
4. Men need respect to feel loved. Women need love to feel respected. A man doesn’t always see being mushy and melded as one as being loved but you tell him I’m so thankful for all you do for me and this family he’ll know he’s loved. A woman doesn’t always see being told I appreciate you or seeing her man doing needed fix it chores around the house as being respected but you snuggle up close, do those little things she always has to do, and let her know she’s loved and she’ll feel respected.
5. This one ties in to 4 but it still made an impact. A respected man will make it a point to love his woman, and a loved woman will make it a point to respect her man.
6. MAKE TIME! I’ll stop with this one because my wife is up cooking and running errands the whole time I’ve spent typing this on my phone so I want to go help her. But if you value your marriage of you treasure your wife or husband do yourselves a gigantic, problem solving, life easing favor make time for one another. No I try, no I just don’t have the free time, none of that stuff just make the time it makes a massive difference.
Sorry for the typos and probably horrific grammar as I can only see a few lines above this haha! I hope someone can take away from this what I was able to to not only save a marriage or relationship but build one beyond their imagination. 🙂
Can I honestly say, as a woman, that I find this a horrible depiction of what a wife/woman should expect from marriage. I completely see where you are coming from…that you wanted to please your wife, but goodness divorce over dirty dishes? My husband leaves dishes soaking with yucky food bits in the sink, and I hate it. I forget to clean out the cat litter and he hates it. We drive each other crazy with the things that we do/forget to do, but at the end of the day we didn’t marry each other because we can do things exactly the way each other wants and we never have to feel uncomfortable or annoyed.
I don’t forget to change the cat litter because I don’t respect him. I forget because it literally makes me gag and I also just forget sometimes. And he leaves dishes to soak in the sink because that’s how he does dishes…and it doesn’t make him gag to see bits of food swirling around in murky water. (Yes…lots of things make me gag.)
Now I’ll be honest and say that there was a period of time when he was working 2nd shift and I would forget to make sure he had something for dinner. He does most of our cooking, so this isn’t a “the women cooks the food’ scenario, it was a respect/thinking about his needs scenario, and after I did that quite a few times he got upset and called me on it. And I realized that I needed to think about his needs more. But he wasn’t going to divorce me over it. Or over the cat litter. And I’m not going to divorce him over the swirling bits of food in the sink. Because we give each other grace…and that should be something everyone vows to do on their wedding day.
You certainly can say it, Mandy. But I don’t think you understood me very well.
My wife didn’t leave because of the dirty dish even though my headline says she did. Symbolism and hyperbole are at play there.
She left me for MANY reasons that are well-documented on this blog (I had no idea a million strangers were going to read this!), all of which were rooted in my beliefs and behavior while we were married.
OF COURSE your husband wouldn’t leave you for not making him dinner or changing the cat litter. That’s insane.
But he might leave you if you said “I don’t love and respect you” every day for two years.
And my contention is that (post your wife crying and trying to explain how something hurts even though the husband might not get it) leaving that glass by the sink is not so different than saying that very thing: “I don’t love and respect you.”
I’m sorry I didn’t more effectively communicate this point in the actual post.
And I’m sorry you consider it a horrible depiction of what marriage should be.
Because I must vehemently disagree.
CHOOSING to intentionally behave in ways you know to lift up your spouse and demonstrate your love and commitment to them is EXACTLY what marriage should be about.
Yup. Your last sentence = bingo. My now-husband and I read the Five Love Languages when we got engaged, and that’s when his perspective finally began to shift and began to understand where I was coming from when I was nagging at him about the dishes or laundry or whatever. He’s gotten sooooo much better about being proactive about chores and picking up after himself. He’s still not perfect by any means, and there are some days I want to scream when I see that he’s thrown his jacket over the chair again, but because of the progress he has made, I’m a lot more forgiving over his slip-ups than I used to be, and we fight a lot less.
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This is great. I really appreciate the insight, and I know if I posted this to my FB wall now, I’d probably have a dozen butthurt comments about how “it’s not ALL the men’s fault,” but they would be missing the point. WHen a man says “just tell me and I’ll do it,” not only has that not been my experience (it almost always gets “forgotten,”) it IS exhausting and I DON’T want to have to parent my husband. As to the glass at the sink, it’s not the glass, it’s more that if you (I use “you” in the general sense, not YOU specifically) don’t take the four seconds to put it in the dishwasher, where it ultimately needs to go, SHE has to do it. You are making whatever jobs she does at home harder because she has to clean up after you as well her regular chores. Also basically it’s like saying your four seconds are more important than hers. I dunno. I have these conversations with my husband about helping me now and then without me having to specifically ask. It doesn’t happen. Then I ask. And he forgets. Or puts it off (literally three days one time). And so when I finally get irritated, because now it’s a matter of principal (and respect) as you said, *I* feel like a nag and I hate feeling that way. I like this article because it DOESN’T cast anyone as a villain, but strives to give another point of view of why a person may feel as they do.
Thank you.
You’re reinforcing my belief that the vast majority of marriages end because of unintentional missteps.
Good men. Good women. Just getting things wrong because they didn’t know any better.
I thought this example shone a little light on one tiny aspect of how this happens.
I’m a little confused as to how so many people seem to be missing the bird’s-eye view. But I suppose I shouldn’t be.
More than half of EVERYONE who PURPOSEFULLY volunteered to get married, ends up not married.
Statistically speaking, this post should make zero sense to more than half of every reader.
Ha! Applying good ol’ math to relationships. I fear it is futile, my friend. lol. But I think a lot of it has to do with ego and the penchant (especially nowadays) for everyone to feel, as you said, entitled and defensive… I learned a lot of from previous bad relationships too, some abusive, what it worth an argument and what is worth leaving over.
“Statistically speaking, this post should make zero sense to more than half of every reader.” Ha ha ha, that looks about right!
This could be me talking about my marriage. It is nice to know I am not crazy and I am not alone.
You’re definitely not crazy. I have talked with enough female friends to know that! It’s almost never “the glass” after the first time we ask.
*principle
Put the glass away and not make a big deal out of it. There are much more problems in this world.
Who? Me? Does that extend to picking up dirty underwear too? Because for every thing I pick up after my husband, I get closer to the door. I’m not his mother, and I will find someone who wants an equal partner, and not a mother.
(shrug)
Thankfully my husband is man enough to try to treat me right, make me feel valued, and listen to me express my feelings without undermining them by saying they’re trivial or about trivial things.
Way to miss the point dear. It’s not about the glass…
This is the reason I got divorced, non specifically obviously. But I’m not sure my ex understands this to this day. And honestly I don’t believe he would have ever “changed” enough for me to be really happy with him ever. It is about expectations. My parents were a very balanced team and my dad dies a good job spoiling my mom as well as providing financially and doing al the yard work without being asked. My ex was completely incapable of doing any of those three things… So I felt unloved and sad most of the time. In my mind I shouldn’t have to spell that out to him… He was the man and it was his job and I’m not his mother. And I’m certainly not going to ask someone to spoil me… He should want to, right? Anyway, now I’m remarried and this article helped me with some issues that I’m having with my husband. A lot of times we don’t know how to talk to one another so things go unsaid. This helped me to find the words to explain a few minor things to him… So that they don’t become major things 🙂 Thank you for writing this 🙂
Agree with everything said here… I just didn’t have the strength, stamina, and prescience to do all the things that Mattered. I’m hoping my kids and friends learn this lesson earlier than I did (like before the ‘I do’).
and maybe nothing will ever make her happy….because if it wasn’t the glass, it would be something else…..js
I’m not married but the most common unexpected advice I’ve heard from married couples is to embrace not only our partner’s strengths, but to respect their weaknesses as well. This is not to say that if you’re messy your partner should just put up with it. But you both need to respect that your partner is the way they are, and a compromise might benefit the both of you. My boyfriend covers the rent and most bills so I cover the cleaning and cooking. I am I guess what you could call a Type A personality, I thrive and find it easier to relax when things are clean and organized (but I’m not a neat freak either). My boyfriend is definitely the messy one and he doesn’t clean after himself very well. I have to nag him to take out the garbage. Why do I nag him? Because the garbage is building up, I’m running out of space to throw stuff out and soon the apartment will start to stink. Same thing with dishes and why people like to get them done. We need dishes to use, and the longer dishes sit around the smellier it gets. This also attracts fruit flies and ants and potential for mold. That’s why some people are insistent on regular cleanliness. The messy one should be able to understand this and respect this and appreciate that someone is doing it because no one finds cleaning fun. However, it is also unfair for someone who is just naturally a tidy and clean person to expect someone who was not instilled with such habits to just up and develop such habits because they want them to.
I honestly have no problem cleaning up after my boyfriend. But I expect him to appreciate it, be grateful, and be willing to help me on occasion. And if he ever dismissed what I do around the house and acted as if he didn’t appreciate it, he would indeed get a mouth full from me.
Show respect for your loved one by simply being grateful and appreciative for what they do for you, even if it really isn’t a concern for you. Both of you do more for each other than you both realize. It won’t be 50/50 with each individual task but the overall load in your life together and household is.
I say this as someone who got married once and is still married 16 years later, despite going through some tremendously difficult times and spending years locked in an unhealthy dynamic that both my husband and I are both working very hard (and successfully) to improve: most of human interaction isn’t really about what’s “fair.” It’s about meeting needs, and it is up to each person to determine what he or she needs. It’s not up to us to decide what someone else should or shouldn’t need. Because why “shouldn’t” they? Says who?
Sometimes people change. Sometimes needs change. And with the exception of a parent toward a minor child, no human “owes” a relationship to any other human. My husband could tell me today that he has just simply had enough and, for what I consider a minor reason or even no reason at all, he could file for divorce. As could I. And as long as we both have that ability, that is as fair as it gets. It might sound harsh, but if I am not meeting my husband’s needs, then I don’t WANT him to stay with me. Because I love him, as a person, more than I love our relationship.
Ironically, now that I have come to the point where the vows I made are meaningless to me, I find that I am beginning to value our relationship and my husband more—because we aren’t relying on words we said 16 years ago to keep us together. We are relying on the current state of our relationship. This isn’t going to be everyone’s truth, but it is mine.
This relationship came to an end because both parties are emotionally immature, not because the wife was angry at the glass in the sink or because he couldn’t please her every need. These are just symptoms of an underlying problem.
To the man in this article: stop making it all about HER, start by making it about the BOTH OF YOU. Learn empathic communication (a.k.a. Marshall Rosenberg’s non-violent communication) and practice it. The only issue here is that you both did not talk about your needs, you only focused on the symptoms.
You’re totally right!
This applies to everyone. But I don’t preach to women and mothers and wives because I’ve never walked in their shoes before.
I only know what it’s like to be a husband.
Secondly, YES. Empathetic communication. Of course. The average guy playing Call of Duty while his wife puts the kids to bed, or drinking beer in the recliner on college football Saturday has NO IDEA what that means or is likely to research Marshall Rosenberg.
But just MAYBE, something a regular guy says about dirty dishes might make a connection for him.
That’s why I write.
Thank you for reading.
my husband is retired. i’m still working full time. my job is stressful. when i get home and the dishes are piled up in the sink or counter (we don’t have a dishwasher), i get pissed. he is home all damn day. i work full time. do all the errands. pay all the bills, keep track of the checking account, run a small business on the side. and he thinks it’s no big deal that the dishes and house is a mess. yes, i’m pissed and tired and want to smack and leave him. i need the damn kitchen clean to run my business and i’m fucking exhausted!! no respect is what i feel. yes, it’s a marriage breaker.
I think your right about most of this except peole do choose whether or not to be hurt/bothered by things. I mean I choose whether something bothers me and the level at which it bothers me. Like a fly buzzing around or a giant asteroid fixing to hit me. We choose how much to allow things to bother us.
If we are to show understanding without knowing why something may upset or significant other, then we should recurve the same understanding in return, which is probably not going to happen. So in this I gather the reasons your wife left, but how long could you have put up with doing stuff like this before you might of decided on leaving her?
My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs and married 7 1/2 yrs. there are thins that do that annoys him such as leave bags of yarn everywhere. He annoys me with the dishes by putting them in the sink rather than the dishwasher.
My pet peeve is that we have a housemate. We also have 3 dogs and 3 cats. In the winter we use pee pads because it gets very cold here. The pet peeve is the guys just walk on the pads whether the urine or after a bowel movement…can’t believe how much the dogs go to the bathroom….lol. I’m the one constantly changing them and I have health issues where I’m actually not supposed to be dealing with pee pads or the litter box.
I just wanted to leave some love. I’m surprised by the number of people who are taking this so literally that a dirty dish can end a marriage. You expressed your metaphor VERY well. Great read. I really appreciate this piece. I just ended a three year relationship last July, and I can’t help but feel like I should forward this to him. Probably a bad idea.
Your specific choice in metaphor wouldn’t necessarily apply, and I’m not positive HE would translate the metaphor to our life. I was probably the one more likely to leave a dirty dish, lol, but I changed at his request. I DID work at making sure I minimized those things he disliked and listened when he had something to say that might have felt critical of me. And I worked at it. But whenever I did or asked the same of him, I see what you explained. As a man who thrives on respect, he wanted me to see that his perspective was right, when that’s not really what mattered to me, which ultimately lead to that disrespect. And I did communicate. I said, “This is what I need… I’m trying to explain what I need from you.” Then I would explain how it made me feel without it. Yet the easiest thing I could have said was that it felt like disrespect, and that probably would have made a lot more sense to him.
Ah, well… Maybe next time I’ll just have this post on hand it hand it over. :o)
Thank you very much for writing this. It’s extremely thoughtful. It’s nice to see that there really is hope that a guy could “get me.”
Enjoyed and so true. My get my husband to read!
The article is spot-on; in a nutshell, it all comes down to having an attitude of serving the one you love. If both husband & wife have a servant’s heart towards each other, these things are not allowed to become an issue.
My hubby & I have been married for 29 years. It’s not always been perfect, by any means. We almost went off the rails about 14 years ago…because we put ourselves first & not each other. Instead of looking at all the things I thought he needed to change about himself, I looked at what I needed to change about me. It caused him to do the same.
I am not responsible for what he does, but I am responsible for how I respond. I can say that at 29 years & counting, and having raised 3 children, we are just as good of friends & just as much in love as we were when we married…and now we have an even deeper connection.
Also, read The Five Love Languages. It is a great way to learn about the best way to speak your spouse’s “love language.”
From a woman who’s been married 40 years…what is ultimately important?
My husband does not and never will organize the garage, paint any room in our home, caulk a window or bathtub, or change the oil in one of our vehicles. We spent the first five years of our marriage arguing about idiotic stuff like that because I emphasized what he didn’t do more than what he did do.
When it was almost too late I finally got it! He did have a strong work ethic. He changed diapers, gave baths, wrestled in the floor, ran races, read to and listened to a couple of little boys even after a full day at work. He did support my desire to homeschool our boys when I could have gotten a job and helped with additional income. He did coach tee-ball, softball, and soccer (which he didn’t know anything about). He attended a thousand swim practices and hundreds of swim meets.
He held me when we lost our home and I had to walk away from 10 years of marks on the closet wall recording the growth of my sons over the years. He held me when I should have been holding him, he held me when my brother died, and we hold each other as we grieve over the death of one of our sons.
What is ultimately important? Is it the glass on the counter or the man holding you together when you are close to falling apart? Who do you want by your side when things get REALLY difficult, and I promise you they will. Make a list of what is important, good, and worthy in your spouse and concentrate on those things. Oh, and put the stupid glass in the dishwasher if it makes you that crazy!
Besides the valid points you make, the glass on the sink also sends this message to a woman: “I am so much more important than you are that I can leave this glass here, expecting you to clean up after me like the unimportant slave that you are. You exist only to serve me. Don’t ever expect me to do even the smallest, easiest thing that you ask me to do.”
This might not be the intended message, but it is the message that is delivered nonetheless.
What about the man, who when at his mothers hangs his coat first thing, but when home hangs it over any old post, chair, etc. despite the wife’s desires to have the coats hung up (it’s the first thing she does when walking in the door, coat hung and shoes in closet) and he is the first one to complain about the house being messy and yell because no one picks up their stuff? With 4 children who are modeling after one of us what is best then? When the husband is perfectly capable, does it in front of others but won’t for his families sake. This is the point that I believe Matt is referring to. Where is the respect in this situation?
Thank you so much for sharing these insights.
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Good points here. What many men don’t seem to get is that just saying “I don’t think this is important” doesn’t make it unimportant. If one person on the team has an issue, the team has an issue, no way around it. Pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t make it disappear.
And, in the case of my ex husband, he thought that because he did (eventually) what I asked him to do, he was being an equal partner. He took responsibility for exactly nothing other than earning half of the income, I shouldered 100% of the responsibility at home and in child rearing, while working full-time. But because if I said “Babe can you go to the grocery store tonight” he would (usually three days later because “you’re not the boss of me”), he saw himself as being a partner. He could never understand that I wanted him to be RESPONSIBLE for some of these things, rather than “helping me” with them. That I didn’t want to always have to ask him to do things (often many times over) to get them done. I didn’t want to be the boss. I wanted a partner.
In the end I think he understood, and promised to change, but I didn’t want to be in a relationship I had to threaten to leave to get anything to change.
I so resonate with this comment!
And I saw no mention of the toilet seat.
Thank you for this article. It gives me hope that “some” people get it eventually. I especially love this comment of yours: “And I don’t think most men guilty of this behavior truly understand that. That this thing not registering on their emotional radar WILL end their marriage one day after enough pinpricks pile up to equal a gushing wound.” I used a very similar metaphor to try to explain to my husband that every time he hurt me and told me I had no right to those feelings, it left a scar and I was so covered with scars that it had damaged my ability to fully function in life. He never did get it.
I also liked the comment by alienredqueen. Yes, I was exhausted, depleted, following him around “doing” for him.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In our house it’s my frustration about the laundry. For him, it’s my odd sleep schedule. But we are still talking and not yelling and trying. For those that don’t get the metaphor, I don’t care that he doesn’t vacuum or cook. But the laundry thing gets to me. I’ve asked for help with it for years. We’ve fought about it. There are 6 of us for goodness sake. If I came home and he had done 3 loads of laundry……best gift ever. It’s an acknowledgement of what matters to the other person, even if it doesn’t matter to you.
if every body was perfect what would there be to argue about.if he leaves an empty glass so what .did your vowsay put everything back after you use it or put it in its right place NO so do what your doing and love one another we aren’t gonna be here forever
This is so well written and relatable! Thank you!
There’s one thing I have never understood. If where a glass goes after you’re done using is such a minor thing — which is the argument made throughout this piece — then why is it a big deal to put in the dishwasher instead of on the counter? Obviously leaving the glass by the sink is important to you on some level because if it truly didn’t matter in the scheme of things where the glass ended up then you would put it in the dishwasher instead when asked, no? Instead, you want to argue about it, move it under protest, etc., etc.
So, the glass being left on the counter is important to you. The issue is getting to the why. But in the meantime, referring to it as ‘no big deal’ or ‘minor’ – out loud or in your head — is really just a way to be able to continue doing whatever you want with the added bonus of making your wife feel like she’s crazy to be caring/upset/talking about it. Trying to not do that, I understand, is really the point of your piece, and I think that’s great. But I just don’t think the wife is the one — or the only one, if you want to make that argument — making a big deal out of nothing here.
Does NO one get the part about “I might want to use it again.”? Which is both handier and on some level more efficient (re-using the glass rather than getting another one is one less glass to wash, overall). Why is his desire to possibly re-use the glass less important than her OCD–sorry “feeling” about putting it in the dishwasher?
The glass eventually becomes a metaphor for other things. In my opinion.
Matt, you helped me understand myself and why certain things bother me so much– and it is exactly like you say! It is Not about the dish ( why can’t readers get this???) but the fact that a request is being blown off, which for some ( me ), is a slap in the face. He wants the house company ready all the time but won’t do all the little things that make that easier for me to accomplish?
I believe you did exactly what you intended to, and it will be heard by those who can relate….
It’s nice to read such a thoughtful and well-writing post. I found this book to be a help for me: After the Ecstasy, the Laundry: How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path by Jack Kornfield.
Someone shared this on Facebook and I read it and started to cry, because like millions of other women, this sounds exactly like us. My husband came into the room, saw me crying, rolled his eyes grabbed a box of crackers and went back into the computer room to play more video games.
I am always the one to apologize after a fight. I apologize for being too emotional, for nagging, for making a big deal out of nothing, as he sees it. Like you’ve said I’ve tried to explain that it’s not the dirty dishes or that he sits and watches TV and looks at his phone while I run around and make breakfast and lunches and get kids dressed to go to school and get myself ready for work while also throwing in a load of laundry and empty the dishwasher, or that I have to tell him every time to take out the garbage cans or to hang the wet towels. It’s because it makes me feel alone. Like I’m the only one responsible for our home, our kids, our life while he’s just along for the ride. I pay the taxes. I am the breadwinner. I support him while he works and takes online classes. I know he has his own worries and stuff but meanwhile the kids and I are on our own here. I can’t think of anything he’s completely in charge of. Something he does that doesn’t depend on my involvement. He thinks he’s doing me a favor by asking me what I want all the time. “Or else you’ll get mad.” He doesn’t get that I want to rely on him. I want to trust him to take care of us.
I left my home and family and friends in beautiful nothing California to move to Illinois because of his job. A job he hates. I have no one. No family. Few friends. He has his parents here and his oldest friends. He refuses to leave. I mourn that I am raising kids without my parents, their aunts and uncles and cousins. All of this compounds my resentment. My deep and profound disappointment. I have been let down so many times that even when he does do something nice or helpful I have to force myself to be grateful. I try to hide my bitterness but I know he sees it. And my lack of appreciation only serves to confirm his feelings of inadequacy and so further apart wet drift.
I don’t dream of other men. I already concluded that any future relationships would be the same. Instead I fantasize about being alone. Just me and the kids. Because at least I can’t be disappointed if there’s no one to depend on.
I know he loves his kids. That taking the kids and going home to California would break him. And them. It’s probably not legal anyway. So then I’d be divorced and alone in Illinois!?
And so I keep trying. Keep promising not to get mad. Keep trying to suck it up and pretend my heart isn’t broken.
That is so sad, and I think a lot of us women can relate at least in part to this. 🙁
You hit the nail on the head when you wrote that it is exhausting for the woman to find herself playing mother, constantly explaining to the man what he needs to do to please her, or simply to help the household run smoothly. Example – I like to cook, but I also like a break, therefore my partner cooks two nights per week. However, he always needs to ask me what to make, or forgets to buy his ingredients, or needs cooking advice. So I am not really free of the meal burden for those two nights. What should be a mutually happy arrangement ends up being a grumpy exchange.
At first, I was going to disagree with you about this kind of behaviour making the woman feel unsafe, or at least insecure, but actually, you are right, I think it does. It must be even worse if the woman is planning/forced to share parenting with that man, or, as in my case is getting older and is financially dependent on him.
I didn’t read all the comments, but I read just enough to get annoyed that no one was following your metaphor. As long as no one in the marriage recognizes the glass is a metaphor, things will suck.
I get it. You’re right. And I think it’s deeply rooted in misogyny that both men AND women have internalized–often without knowing it. Thanks for writing this. It is crazy making to be told, “It is unreasonable to be bothered by this thing and so therefore your pain is irrational and not important to me.” It feels gross and is a total love-killer. You nailed it.
This post is too funny… EVERYTHING listed here is a symptom of something else. Please learn to peel a few layers away to get to your eventual item to solve/heal. sheesh people…
I can’t tell whether you got it, or didn’t get it. But, no matter! Your comment is 100-percent accurate.
Thanks for reading.
This is a super long read, but may I suggest you check it out? I think the glass is a lot about emotional labor: http://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-Unpaid-Emotional-Labor
I couldn’t explain it to my husband because I didn’t know how to put it in words. Thank you so much for this!
This article was full of wisdom and insight. If I had to pick one thing that I also learned the hard way, that understanding now has helped, it would be one idea: guys, ladies, we do NOT have to understand why something is important to our partners. And it need not be something that will ever, in a million years, matter to us. Instead, we have to do associative emo-math (think Venn diagrams): “It is important to her. She is important to me. Therefore it is important to me. Q.E.D.”
Obviously there are people who will fall into an extreme where a partner’s every whim and opinion are valued over one’s own opinions and desires, and that’s not good. But accepting that somethings will never matter to you as they do to her, or vice versa, and just agreeing to disagree on the idea’s merits while focusing on the partner’s value will go a long, long way. It works for us, anyway.
I think you just explained something I think and write often much more clearly and awesomely than I ever have.
Thank you very much for seeing this as it was intended.
bingo! I feel like I can live with my husband for the next 100 200 years because of this. he didn’t have to do the dishes for me last night after driving in los angeles traffic coming home from work, but he did because he knew how important it was for me to be able to relax the next morning instead of doing dishes. I encouraged him to buy fallout 4 because I know he loves gaming so much although I know it might be taking time away from me. so the dishes were not ‘done right’ but who cares? I ask him to help with the kids if it gets too much while he is gaming but he is right there for me.
understanding this, it’s a gift that keeps on giving.
This article (and the comments) are the reason I’ll never get married again. The benefits of marriage could never outweigh the disappointment and heartbreak that comes with it.
I was feeling that was too during the first 6-12 months, post-divorce.
But then I started thinking about long-term companionship (we lie to ourselves when we think we can die alone and happy in our twilight years), and also the macro-problem of human reproduction.
Unless you are one of those “The world is already too full of people; we should discourage reproduction!” people, it’s not, in my estimation, wise to intentionally leave child raising to unmarried people. The benefits of having good mothers AND fathers at home are well documented.
So, while I respect your personal choice on this (and remember feeling the same way just under three years ago), I think a better solution is simply to make marriage NOT suck.
None of this shit has to exist.
We can just do things optimally.
I’m so confused about why people don’t want to.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Love is the best thing we can ever experience. I, too, have known excruciating heartbreak. More than I thought I’d ever recover from. It’s already years later, and I’m not going to be “okay” for years to come. But I have hope. I’ll find someone else. Someone better. Someone who deserves me and cherishes me. You can find that too! Don’t give up on hope. You, too, friend, will find love again. And it will be worth it!!! 🙂
This is very much what broke up my marriage in combination with some unrealistic expectations on his part. Forget by the sink, he left anything anywhere like a toddler. I felt so much like his mother that sexual interaction was disturbing, I saw him more as a child. I tried repeatedly to explain it. Then he got hard core into BDSM and wanted to do things like branding. Nope, I’m gone. Not playing that.
boringgggg
I started a blog and I would love if some of you guys checked it out!
100 times: yes! Thank you for this…and it SO TOTALLY GOES BOTH WAYS like so many of your commenters have posted. You have to care about the person, not what they are asking you to do….to be a bit cheeky, and put it in the basest terms: if you partner like their ears rubbed during sex, you rub their ears, right? Even if ear rubbing does nothing for you, and you can’t really understand why ANYONE could possibly want their ears rubbed, you still rub their ears….
Exactly
Did your ex-wife work?
I believe the glass effects some men the same way it effects the women.
If you can’t put my glass in the sink after I have worked all day for you will you sit at home with no kids! You don’t respect me, you can’t clean out the cat litter are you going to change diapers I don’t trust that you will.
FYI damn good article
Yep, it does go both ways. I’m am ABSOLUTELY with you *if* the offending partner doesn’t work and there are no kids involved. They can totally handle the glass. If I were in the stay-at-home-with-no-obligations person’s shoes, this is one of the very smalllll sacrifices I would make for the privilege of spending my time however I wanted, on someone else’s dime.
No matter what either partner does in or out of the house, grown ups clean up after themselves. taking care of the house involves plenty of work on it’s own without expecting one of the adults to have to check behind the other constantly for slightly incomplete tasks like the dirty glass. If it isnt a big deal where it goes, for you, then put it where they think it should be if it seems to be a big deal, for them. To do otherwise is, as described here, a clear statement of how little you value the other person. Do it regularly enough and they start noticing all the other times you ignore or override them. Do all those things long enough and they wonder what is the point of being with you.
Missing the point totally. It’s not about the glass. Or so works the most. Or if there’s kids. You’re like the guy in this article that doesn’t get it. Read it all again.
What? I have no idea what you are trying to say? That you can do what ever you damn well please because it’s your wife’s job to clean up after toy as she’s not working? You are missing the point of the article if that’s how you feel.
Can I just say, I gave up one of my rare opportunities to take a nap to stay awake and read a ton of your blog posts, all because of this particular post? I have a newborn son, my 4th child (all under 8 years old), and as a parent you know I’m not getting much sleep or peace these days. It’s my “me” day ironically, when I ship the kids to a sitter so I can accomplish something without having to juggle kids and their needs/wants at the same time. I was hell bent on getting a sorely needed nap but this blog made me cry. Finally, a male can articulate what is going on inside my head at times and put it into terms for men so they can hopefully understand. I have shared this with my husband, this will be our 10th year of marriage, and thus far, experience and conditioning tells me he won’t take this to heart like I hope he does. I know I’m not perfect and I need to work on my end of things. I always hold out hope that if he can just understand me better and how I am thinking, then maybe things can improve in our marriage from my perspective. Thank you, your insight into a women’s thought process, at least in my personal case, is nothing short of miraculous.
Nobody, husband or wife, should feel like their entire marriage depends on whether or not they picked up just the right brand of toothpaste, left a glass by the sink, or remembered to pick up bread from the grocery store. That borders on emotional abuse. It’s likely to result, not in the partner “straightening up” and always remembering to put the glass away, but instead becoming perpetually anxious and insecure about the relationship.
Totally agree. There’s perfectionism and control — and there’s communication and compromise. What are your big issues? What is really important to you? Shouldn’t things even out?
That’s not the point of the article. The Glass is a metaphor. The glass represents anything that is important to your partner that may not be as important to you or that you don’t completely understand. You respect what is important to them solely because its important to them without questioning why it is important or minimizing the importance. You do it out of respect for them even if you don’t understand.
you missed the point. Re read the post
I think the thing I got from this is :
If you ask someone to do something 15 times over months, and they don’t do it, you wonder about it. It would work the same way if you were asking.
Wish I had this years ago, when it may have opened a window of communication, that I couldn’t do on my own. Very well said, hope it helps many couples.
You will enjoy this video which is another way to say what this article is saying. Thanks for the great read! http://youtu.be/JyAqGeyGh7Y
My husband does the same thing with the glass. Guess what? Thanks for reusing it and not creating more work for me. My kids do it ! Let that shit go. There are more important things in life! Don’t focus on petty shit. Bc there is always going to be stuff that drives you nuts about your partner. Be grateful for the glass, for the clean water to drink, for the electricity that isn’t turned off so you can run said dishwasher, or not having to wash dishes by hand. Life is too short to let things like this sour your journey.
Thank you for posting this. Its a great read and something everyone should take to heart whether they’re with a partner or not, no matter their gender or identity.
Great article. Here are my thoughts, which I think completely go against your advice…
Most men have the magical ability to turn into children as soon as they are married. They lose the ability to take care of themselves and the ability to listen to and follow simple instruction. But we cannot place the blame of a failed marriage solely on men. Because one cannot expect children to bare the responsibility of adults.
Instead, wives have to take it upon themselves to re-train their husbands into adults again. Do not put the dirty glasses and dishes into the dishwasher. Do not put away the clean laundry. Do not turn his inside-out socks. Yes it is a painful process, but gradually the sense of independence and self-resilience will be re-awakened in married men. And they will remember what life was like before a live-in female servant came around. And they will remember that dishes did not clean themselves; clean laundry did not magically separate themselves from dirty laundry etc.
Only then, when the husband has returned to adulthood, can the failure of a marriage be placed on both parties.
Why is it the responsibility of the woman to train a grown, adult man? Why can’t the grown, adult man take some responsibility for his own actions and respect his partner enough not to dump more emotional labor on her?
Men are not children. Men are not stupid dogs that need to be trained. Men are men.
If I have to “train” my husband to do basic hygiene and housekeeping, I don’t respect him enough to marry him and no smart woman should. Take some responsibility for your own actions.
If a man acts like a child (actually once you have children, you’ll realize that many men are worse than children), he’s clearly asking to be treated as one.
Give him his beer in a sippy cup next time he asks you to fetch one!
The problem is, many married men did once upon a time know something about hygiene and housekeeping. A man may have even cooked a whole meal by himself and washed all the dishes afterwards, during courtship. What is baffling is how quickly these abilities all vanish as soon as wedding vows are exchanged.
I am going off on a tangent here, but your comment opener now has me imagining a “magical dude” anime… middle-aged guys in sailor skirts and blouses.
And your comment is spot on. I hate the whole “be my wife AND my mommy” attitude.
I understand the basis of this article, but as a woman (by the way), I do feel the whole glass by the sink thing to be a leeeeeeeeeeetle bit of an overreaction. Interestingly my ex boyfriend had a big thing about me being untidy, messing up his tidy cooking areas and putting things away incorrectly. But that wasn’t why I left him. He could have left glasses lying everywhere and his socks and smalls on the floor for all I cared. He disrespected me in many other ways which built up over time, mainly his need to leer at other women wherever we went to the extent that I could have walked off in another direction and he would never have even noticed till several hundred yards had gone by. That and his miserliness to spend a cent of his own money on me, and never once buying me a gift in 5 years, while I forked out for holidays, surprises etc. etc.
We all have our last straw, I do understand where this article is coming from totally, even if I think getting upset about the glass is extreme. When someone endlessly repeats the same behaviour which the other partner finds offensive/disrespectful/upsetting.. in whatever way that may be.. and the “offending” partner is well aware that the offended party doesn’t like it, and it wouldn’t take all that much of an effort to compromise – the magic word in relationships right? – and the “offender” refuses to make the effort/change/adapt – in order to make life more sweet for the offended, then heck yes, you DO start to wonder, does that person that claims to love me so much REALLY care at all?
Shame when this happens, as very often a relationship can be so good in so many other ways. But to deliberately do stuff which you KNOW hurts your partner means either you really don’t love them at all and/or you WANT to hurt them. Both scenarios aren’t good and spell the end at some point or other.
Great article but everything he says needs to be said to both men and women! Women are just as bad for the exact same reasons. This article made me feel like the woman should have done quiet a few things differently as well, that divorce is not all on him. She also made poor choices.
It’s called communication people. No body reads minds. Not everything we think about is pretty and not everything we feel is great. But if you chose the correct person they want to know, they need to know, they will work with you. Together as a team to overcome the lack of understanding.
Would my husband ever understand why 3 hours of playing video games is okay but six hours is not? Well he certainly wouldn’t if the only thing I ever did was get mad and yell “you play games too much!” And just ranted on and on.
Of course that’s what happened in the beginning, then I women’d up and read books to learn how to communicate better. It has taken several years to reach the level of communication we are currently at. And while he might not completely understand the difference. He does know about it because I was able to control my emotional responses enough to effectively communicate that 3 hours is his time (and my own me time) and three hours is our time. He knows that I need him to choose “us” over him sometimes just as I have to put my book down and choose “us” over grand romantic adventures in space.
Anyway. That’s the point. Communicate (and just in case, communicating does NOT mean yelling and fighting. There is a huge difference! Learn it. The Internet will teach you all about it!) with your partner! Even when it hurts, is embarrassing, makes you look like a horrible person. Communicate it all! The awesome, the great, the okay, the lame, the hurt, the pain, the ugliness! Keeping silent and held inside will only hurt you in the end.
(If you’re wondering….. I am the lucky one. His few flaws, though huge in my mind at times are nothing when I think of my own flaws and the emotional unstableness I bring into his life on a regular basis. For whatever reason he has decided to keep this hippipunk who doesn’t like being in a kitchen and I thank him for that! Even if not always ?)
– The Chick who leaves more than a glass by the kitchen sink.
*heartfelt clapping*
It might be that I come from completely different relationships but I, too, wondered why it was just the man who had to be able to mind read his wife, rather than both actually trying to communicate. Especially when something for you is important that others think is not a big deal or, worse, see it opposite than you. You can’t expect things to magically solve themselves via the power of passive-aggressiveness. you actually got to sit down and solve that crap. Especially when it seems inane.
Specifically on the glass thing: my bf is a “use them, immediately put them in the dishwasher” guy, while I grew up in a conservative household where you don’t use two glasses when you can use one, so you don’t put that glass away until you’re 1000% sure you’re done with it. We really had to talk about it. And now it’s not a problem any more, even if we keep our separate ideas about what’s proper.
Communication. It’s magic, or something.
While this water glass thing connects with the female “you don’t love me because you didn’t do what I asked….” stuff, this kind of obsession has a name — PERFECTIONISM. I know because I am married to a perfectionist husband. There can’t be any clutter, can’t be any mail on the table, any laundry in the hamper. It is exhausting to try to comply. It is worse when it is about your weight / nails/ hairdo/ a blemish on your face. While you may be guilty of the usual husband stuff, she has a PROBLEM that everything has to be “just so”. It is possible to stay married for a lifetime to a perfectionist, but the non-perfectionist has to realize it is “his/her” problem, not my defect and just do it to keep the peace. It is probably born of insecurity of some kind. There are books and websites available about highly sensitive personality. You know the kind of person who can see a piece of fuzz on a carpet, or an almost invisible stain or scratch on something, or can’t stand any noise in the house or…. It becomes an obsession to control whatever the irritating simuli are. I hope you can work it out and reconcile.
I totally agree with you. My ex-husband of almost 20 years was a perfectionist who was unable to compromise on anything – whether it was clutter, how things were done, making rules, or what have you. It didn’t have a lot to do with the clutter, per se, it was his inability (or attempts) to control – everything. At a certain point, it becomes impossible to even attempt to do things they way they want (wipe the table this way) and there is no way to acquiesce to their demands. No matter how much you don’t want to hurt them.
I empathize with the author’s struggle – and the feelings of not recognizing the importance or pain behind a request. I also recognize the idea of not understanding the importance of something that seems insignificant – in my case, the clutter that bothered him greatly paled in comparison to raising competent, happy, healthy children. I didn’t feel like I was a housekeeper or that was my primary or most important role. He never found compromise useful – nor counseling.
I’ve been engaged for about 7 months now and the wedding is this October. I love my fiance more than anything, but I tend to do a horrible job of listening “the first time” as he says. I always hear him the second time, but not the first. This is essentially our “glass by the dishwasher” argument.
To him, he feels as if I’m too busy living in my own world (he likes that example a lot because I’m an only child) to pay attention to the things he says. To me, it’s not that I’m not listening, it’s that I sometimes don’t catch everything, and more often than not I honest to God just forget. I have the short term memory of a beetle, but Jared can’t see that so there’s never an ending to the argument. It just simmers down until I don’t hear him again and then we boil over all over.
I completely see his side though, I just don’t know what to do to either help me absorb what he says to me better or to make him see that I do care, I’m not ignoring him, I’m just a little spacey sometimes.
Any advice from the more experienced?
Perhaps learn to paraphrase what he is trying to tell you he wants from you. By paraphrasing it back to him, it assures him you have listened to him as well as it reinforces the message to you and imprints it in your brain. Or write it down as soon as you can. You have just developed a habit of “not listening” and tuning out or listening to key words only. It is frustrating and I get why your husband is frustrated. But with practice and application, you can break the habit as it seems you truly care about him and see your failings.
You sound like you have an undiagnosed learning disorder, actually.
Our used to drive me crazy that my guy was so tuned out. Now- I first speak his name, than make eye contact and once I am certain that I have his attention I speak. This ensures that I’m not just getting a “sure”, I know he’s heard me and if his eyes dart back the television, I stop speaking till his attention returns.
Brooke, are you the artistic type? Is he the engineer type? That’s just generalizing, but there’s nothing wrong with the fact that you forget or are dreamy. After 33 years of marriage, my hb has finally understood that I can’t do or remember all he demands…it’s been hard on me..I don’t know if I’d marry him again…from the stress and strain, my health has suffered greatly. Look ahead into the future and ask yourself if you’re ready for marriage with this man. If he truly loves you, he’ll accept you the way you are instead of fault finding. Perhaps talk with a counselor.
Wow I so relate to what you’re saying! I have had A.D.D. my whole life and missing details because I tuned out for a moment has been a terrible hurdle at times, in relationships and work. That, coupled with a bad memory (my partner refuses to repeat stuff she claims she tried to explain to me numerous times which I have no recollection of). All I can say is, be humble and own up to these weaknesses, but also ask your fiance for some reasonable degree of patience and understanding to ensure he is still meeting you halfway. Being in relationships necessitates both partners being vulnerable and humble, owning their mistakes and having the grace to forgive each other accordingly. I hope things work out for you and your fiance.
1) It’s totally OK to be a bit spacey.
2) It’s totally OK for your fiancé to expect to be heard the first time.
3) You both want the same thing, a loving and caring relationship.
I’d suggest you sit down with Jared and tell him what you’ve posted here if you haven’t already.
Let him know that because of your style, things don’t always sink in the first time.
Ask him if there’s a way for him to signal to you, before he gets too far into what he wants to say, that this is a “First Time” conversation.
If you are able to focus while sitting down, find a special place in your house or apartment for extra-important conversations. Maybe chairs and a table instead of a couch or loveseat?
In return, he should realize that you won’t be able to give him 100% attention every time he speaks, just like he doesn’t give you 100% attention when you’re talking and he’s really into a movie or something.
I doubt you’ll do exactly what I’m suggesting. That would be weird. But maybe it can be a springboard so the two of you can both have your needs met.
Don’t let this disagreement fall 100% on your shoulders or his. That’s when your relationship is in trouble.
When both partners feel like the other person is willing to move more than halfway to a compromise, you’ve hit a secret to a happy long-term relationship.
Oddly enough, I actually decided to tell him about the comment a few hours after I’d posted it before I’d seen anyone’s comments, just to let him know that I was concerned with his doubts about my willingness to do something about my bad listening. He was shocked (in a good way) that I’d reached out for advice. He told me he could be more patient with me, and to try to get my attention entirely before telling me anything important. And I agreed to try wholeheartedly to listen intently when he speaks to me, not just give him part of my attention while still being distracted by tv, my phone, etc. I was so happy to find that he believed he needed to take part of the blame as well, rather than let it all fall on my shoulders like you said. Thanks again! It feels like we’re moving in the right direction with this.
You sound like you have ADD. (often females are under diagnosed when it comes to attention deficit because they don’t have the hyper active behavior–they tend to be more day dreaming or “spacey”.) I remarried to a man who is ADD, his daughter is ADD, and his son is ADHD. I have learned before talking about something important to make sure I have his (or their) undivided attention. I also leave reminder notes. My husband is one of the most intelligent men that I know, but many times he seems like he is only half listening to me. So, I stop and say something like this, “I am telling you something important. Do I have your attention?”. He has many, many wonderful characteristics and I love him dearly……but, there are things I need to do overlook. The struggle is real with ADD/ADHD.
So……
You know it was not the glass beside the sink.
1. You mentioned white male entitlement.
Ya know. … nobody else gets that.
2. The potential of bringing children into the marriage. … I divorced my husband because I needed to communicate THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR to our sons. … having a girlfriend, calling me names, high-fiving the boys for insulting their mom. … I failed…
My 28 yr old son insulted his 23 year old precious bride. … and she posted it to Facebook. … how utterly sad.
Did I fail as a mom? Nope, dad failed as a man… as a father and for his daughter in law and all 3 of my granddaughters
3. I’ve only recently truly come to understand the warp in male thinking and the Martian / Venutian communication gap. No one loves your appendage as much as you. 21 years and 2 sons and I had no idea THOSE THOUGHTS were what he thought I was thinking. ….
Well worth sharing. Excellent post!
My husband and I just made the decision for him to move out. What has been written here is all I wanted him to learn. 15 years I have made little concessions for him on a daily basis out of love and respect for him. Because it made me happy to see his happiness. Even when he derived joy from things that could not be more inconsequential to me, I went out of my way to give it to him. While his lack of concern devastated me. I felt so unloved, undervalued and disrespected. The final straw came when he cheated on me and I tried to give him one last chance. But he refused to change a single thing and I have been forced to put my own well-being ahead of my deep desire to save my marriage. I can’t make him love me. Love is an action verb, not just a noun or a way of feeling.
I could have written your statement, Rachel.
Fantastic article! Really appreciate the insight and the understanding that these problems plague more than just my husband and I. Such a relief to have some context, and understanding. I do have one question for you though…
How would you propose effecting real, lasting change in a dynamic that’s clearly not working? Specifically, how might you suggest I motivate my husband [preferably w/o the use of ultimatums, fear tactics, emotional blackmail, etc] to behave more like a partner than a… non-partner.
My issue lies in that fact that my husband is NOT unaware of the relationship imbalance, acknowledging privately & publicly that he isn’t contributing proportionately to the household. His past relationships all – to some extent or another – ended due to household imbalance, with my husband actually the stable, grounded partner taking on the lion’s share of work, so you’d think it’d be a no-brainer with an equally stable partner. Hah. Not so much.
The talk is great, and completely irreproachable. It’s the follow through that’s the problem, since there is none. I sometimes suspect that in his mind, intent = action. Sort of like putting on your gym clothes, getting to the gym, and sticking in your earbuds is equivalent to a workout. SOMEtimes, you’ll actually work out… but only if you’re with your fit friend or to look good for the gym hotties. Similarly, I’m pretty sure the hubby only does his once-in-a-blue-moon contribution to be able to triumphantly say, “No, you don’t ALWAYS do {insert chore here}”.
He’s a nice guy. A great one. A super-charming, smart, witty…only boy/child of multiple divorced parents. Yeah.
If you’ve got any pearls of wisdom, some tips and tricks or the like, I’d really appreciate it, since clearly I don’t have a goddamn clue. All I know, being mother/babysitter/nursemaid to my partner is not what I signed on for.
I can totally relate…. Our second marriage and his first was to one who demanded everything and rarely worked and contributed. The way he tells the story it’s like he worked 20/24 hours to contribute to the running of the household so they could afford the good things in life. Then along comes me… A 50 something, fit and athletic, independent, professionally employed with all the meaningful assets ( I have my own house.. He has nothing as she got the lot in the divorce settlement). But we don’t operate as a team. He hides things from me and continues to support his adult sponging daughters and gives away everything he has to them. Even the measly $30k settlement he got in the divorce settlement he gave to each of his kids (he has three)… He comes to the marriage with nothing and yet gets shitty with me for wanting to start over fresh TOGETHER without him giving everything away to his kids. I want a partner and to act as a team. He can’t see that he isn’t and is in cat putting his kids wants before our needs as a married couple. We can’t even plan to buy something together as I don’t even know how much money he has as he refuses to be financially transparent as he knows I will hit the roof when I see him transferring money into his adult kids’ bank accounts.
Sorry.. I’m out of options and I’m receiving counselling to help me deal with the growing levels of resentment I’m feeling as a result. It’s not what I signed up for too!
First, recognize that his version of his marriage/divorce is not entirely accurate. It’s his view. I’m sure his ex-wife and his children have other perspectives.
If he is not transparent with his finances, that is a HUGE red flag. You should be able to discuss his desire to contribute to his adult children. That should be on the table — but he should also be willing to be fully transparent and contributing financially to the marriage, including planning for houses, retirement, and your future. Often you can figure out a way to organize finances so each partner contributes a % toward living expenses and savings and then has a fund for personal expenses. But it’s got to be fully transparent and he’s got to be on board and honest about it.
He must put you on the list – and it sounds like he’s not. He may be acting out of guilt with his children or other motives.
How long did you date before getting married? What is your relationship with his children?
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No. Just no.
The act of respect = Yup
The act of partnering and being a partner = Yup
Respecting each others lives things and feelings = Yup
Pandering to irrational impulses based on unimportant things = NO
USING one such irrationality or unimportant thing as an excuse to forcibly destroy a relationship – from EITHER spouse – NO.
You are better off without him/her/shim/sher. That is not a marriage, that is psychiatric care.
Show me a man or woman who initiates a divorce over glasses or garbage or panties on the curtain rod or house-showcasing, and I’ll show you a damaged mind that needed more help than was available.
Your columns are interesting – but this one .. Just NO.
I think his point was, it wasnt this one thing. It was his attitude displayed regarding this one thing. It existed elsewhere in their marriage, this was just a visible example.
Yep!
I agree with you. I think there were underlying issues there that needed to be addressed. The glass thing just seems completely irrational to me. My husband works very hard to provide the life we have, so I would never pick at little unimportant things like that. But that is because I’m thinking rationally. If a glass was bothering her, she had other issues that needed talking out. And it’s not her husband’s job to read her mind. She’s an adult who needs to talk to her husband like an adult and say “Hey, maybe we should get couple’s counseling because this, that and the other is bothering me.” Communication is key. And the glass thing was just a silly game.
Exactly. He only feels this way because he went to a female therapist that brain washed him into thinking this way. A glass by the sink in the grand scheme of things means absolutely nothing! She was a psychopathic OCD diva. I bet his xwife couldn’t come up with one thing he ever did correctly or one single thing she appreciated from him. Clearly she was the problem. I’m sure all of his inadequacies were out on the the table well before the vows. Hopefully this guy is married to a SANE individual that appreciates him for exactly who he is. She is clearly not marriage material. Oh well.
I’m a woman, but I’m definitely more in the “it’s just a glass, why does it matter?” camp. I’ve lived with a few people who felt the way your wife did, and they could really get under my skin. This helped me to see how they may have felt. I’ve been on the other side, too, where something was important to me and someone whose consideration I wanted just didn’t see it that way, and that’s a tough position to be in, too. I really don’t think this applies just to marriage or that it’s even all that gender-based, but it’s definitely an insightful portrayal of human interaction.
This is so right… I used to say “I give you all the answers.” Day after day you tell the same person not to walk through the house with dirty shoes, not to leave their dishes in the sink and for God’s sake not to rack up credit card bills. Day after day you get tired of not being listened to. And so I am no longer married… for other reasons too, but it all starts with the little things and turns into resentment from both sides.
Now if my children would get the concept. I do tell them that if they want to stick around after high school to attend college and live with me, they need to knock off leaving their crap everywhere, but it is a losing battle.
There is a book called: “The Five Love Languages”, Chapman. Know your partners love languages, know your own and marriage can be successful.
You’ve been suckered!
Firstly… let me say that I usually put my glass in the dishwasher and OFTEN pick up her plate and glass to do the same. HOWEVER… let me say what pisses me off about this article. It simply can be completely reversed. “I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass. I just have to understand and respect that she DOES.” can just as easily be, “I don’t have to understand WHY he needs to put the glass in the sink. I just have to understand and respect that he does.”
If you have such a sensitive wife, she better be really good in other ways because even if there were several MINOR issues like this, they are still minor issues and her sensitivity is ridiculous!
BOTH need to read this:
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four…/dp/1400045371
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Oh my goodness! Best article I have ever read. My husband and I literally just had this same fight 5 min before so read this article! I have tried many ways to convey my feelings of despair with him and nothing. He is currently reading the article with tears down his face because the light bulb just went off.
And YOU are NUTS for making him feel guilty and HE is nuts for falling for it!!!!
I’m sorry but if a women needs a man to put a dish in the dishwasher to feel validated, she needs to see a therapist. I found this article absolutely ridiculous. If your husband works hard to make your life possible and comes home to you every night, that says a lot about his much he loves you. Knit picking about little things like that has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with how irrational someone is. I’m sorry, but yes, I think this woman was being incredibly irrational.
I was thinking along those same lines-seems so nitpicky. I believe in not sweating the small stuff…marriage is hard enough, at times, without a glass by the sink becoming so significant. I am thinking there were far deeper issues within this marriage, and the woman was not comfortable with verbalizing them, so she focused on the glass.
I can relate
Sigh….and getting so upset over something as silly as this, yes silly, is exactly why marriages these days end up in divorce. Grow up people. Leaving a glass on the sink, in the sink, or on the table is not a sign of disrespect! If couples get upset over something as simple as this, it’s no wonder they can’t handle the big stuff that comes along. Stop looking for things to get upset with!
I wonder how many men out there are thinking “well, my wife/partner didn’t put the toilet seat up for me, so she doesn’t have respect for my wishes”. Yes, as much as women complain about men not putting the toilet seat back down, have any of these women thought that their husbands also have to put it up before using it after we’ve used it? Yes, most likely getting chuckles over that one, but stop to think about it! We’re adults, if a woman walks into the bathroom and the seat isn’t down, does it take any more time to put it down than it takes our partners? We women aren’t perfect. How often do we screw up the little things? So are we to believe that if the toilet seat is not put down that our husbands are disrespecting us, yet if we don’t put it up for them it’s not disrespecting them? Sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn’t it!
If you want to be a drill sergeant, join the military. But that’s not what good marriages are made of. I’m not saying to allow either partner to get stepped all over. That’s not the point of my comment. I’m saying stop making rules that are only aimed at getting our partners upset, and in turn getting ourselves upset. That leads to resentment over time, and that leads to divorce.
Stop overthinking every little thing that your partner does/says. Be thankful for the times that you both think of doing something for each other, learn to appreciate it and stop keeping score!
Signed….almost 50 years together and counting!
It’s not about the time it takes to put the seat down. It’s about falling in, when you don’t notice it’s up. And it’s not about keeping score. It’s about respecting the other persons strong feelings on a certain issue even if you don’t understand them.
I could just as easily say, “It’s not about falling in. It’s about pissing all over the seat!”
But frankly, I’ll bet our friend Val here would point out that the DEFAULT and TIDY position for the toilet seat is BOTH the seat AND the lid DOWN… therefore both arguments (including yours) are idiotic and moot! In either case the person about to pee should feel for the seat and lid and put them into the correct position for said peeing!
VAL! I LOVE YOU! 😀
Thank you!
So powerful–you did a wonderful job conveying painful emotions! I hope people find the truth in what you said and not miss the opportunity to fix a broken marriage or prevent it from happening. People need to get out of their own way and see the other perspective–then act on it! It means so much when we see these simple things change!
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this!!!! This is exactly what I need my husband to know and learn. But caring about it is of course a whole nother aspect that has to come from yourself, but thank you so much for writing this. From what I can see your whole blog has some good stuff.
Anyone who takes the time write a dissertation about a glass being left by the sink is a psychopath. Complain about something that actually matters. I mean for real, in the grand scheme of things does it really matter? Hell no! It doesn’t! Maybe this was his only “flaw”. I think this women is an OCD lunatic. I can imagine the BS she does that he doesn’t even mention to call her out on. He’s not being disrespectful. I do the same thing. I leave my glass and even a bowl from my morning cereal right beside the sink. There’s no reason to wash the damn thing if your going to use it shortly thereafter. If my wife complained about something this absurd, I would tell her to go to hell. How about give us a list of the things that he did well and things that she approved of. I bet the list is small. Geez, I wonder why. Hopefully this guy is remarried to a wonderfully SANE women who is easy going and doesn’t give damn about petty BS like a glass beside a sink. I bet she didn’t let him walk on the carpet after she vacuumed either.
Glass by the sink = metaphor. It almost seems like you may have missed parts of the article, as you do see the author thoroughly and very articulately negate several of your points. In particular around the ‘petty bullshit’, the glass not being equal to the glass, and the author’s marital status.
It’s not about the fucking glass! It’s about the fact that someone who leaves glasses or whatever out will often forget it was theirs in the first place. So the wife/girlfriend/mother ends up sodding doing it. It’s not realising this that is disrespectful.
IN WHAT UNIVERSE is it a sign of disrespect that a person leaves a glass out when it may be used again!?
It COULD BE that there is no disrespect but that you’re a bitch, instead!
What you said is true. Please don’t call other commenters names, because I care about your opinions.
Thanks for checking this out.
This is brilliant. My ex and I (he’s an ex because of other reasons), had the best communication I have ever had with another human being. He actually taught *me* how to be a better communicator. He was the wife in our relationship (figuratively–he’s very assertive and masculine); in other words, I was the one leaving the glass on the counter. He calmly approached me and let me know it bothered him and why. That was the beginning of our broadening communication and we continued to be honest and open about “the little things” that weren’t necessarily so little. Anyway, thank you for writing this. I hope many others read it and really absorb it.
This applies to more relationships than those in a marriage. Children and parents, business partners and co-workers, college roommates and adult roommates, friends for life and strangers on a train — treat everyone with respect. It is hard, it takes effort, it means you have to commit to a certain level of personal honor that simply is not easy in our casual, bird-flipping, messy, littered, cut you off in traffic world.
Hoo boy. My ex left his dirty, stinky tennis shoes on the half landing exactly at eye and nose level, after I had spent many hard day of work re-flooring and re-painting the entry so it would be happy and welcoming. He left underwear with skidmarks on the bedroom floor. He reused to have the fridge repaired or replaced because it “cot too much” (He was earning over 100k US money at the time). He promised trips and vacations and activities and then copped out of 99 percent of them (again, over 100k, could afford.) He went on busines trips and didn’t even think of asking me along. Disrespected? I felt like dirt. Of course I had no interest in sex with him, not when all I had to think of was dirt and stink. Then he acted all hurt and sad. Hint: toddlers are not attractive as husbands.
Married twice before and this third time still going strong after 17 years. When I look back on what has made this one last (and like any relationship, it has had its’ rocky moments), it has been our ability to communicate and understand, When we first met, we both came out with a list of the “little things” that annoy you, because we both knew (my wife had been married before) that is it these little things that get under your skin and just make you frustrated, then angry, then unloved /disrespected etc etc etc.
Some of the complaints I have had has been that I do not “show her that I love her the right way”! 🙂 Now, while my wife will accept that I DO things that show her I love her, they are NOT the tings that she sees as counting. so, our chats focus on what I do and how she feels after I do it. It has been illuminating for me to discover that just taking the recycling out and putting a new liner in the trash bin has her feeling all lovey dovey about me…lol
But, doing the laundry and making the meals – yeah, that is nice of me and sure, it is super helpful, but not the same reaction.
Why – she HATES taking the recycling out and pulling it to the top of the drive …while it does not bother me at all.
As someone in an earlier post said … “Communication…magic or something”!
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amazing how so many responses here feel that this post is about how leaving a glass by the sink caused your divorce. Which is totally not what this is about. The glass is a euphemism for respect, care, love, concern.
Signed, the woman who divorced over mushrooms on a pizza and is so much happier this time around because he would never put mushrooms on a pizza. 😉
This is really interesting. Marriage is give and take. Men desire respect; women desire love. I am not suggesting ALL do… But I would definitely say this is true {on average}.
And there are absolutely certain people who bring out your inner “crazy”. I’ve been there! It’s your choice and prerogative to say “I can not deal with ________”. And that is pretty much anyone’s right.. But to anyone who has such stipulations, I would say good luck finding that perfect person! haha
I am in total agreement about at least TRYING to do those seemingly dumb, little things that could potentially save your marriage. I am basically a really messy person and I leave dishes everywhere. I HATE doing dishes. With a fiery passion of a thousand suns. And my husband HATES doing dishes, too. And he also HATES seeing a dirty kitchen.. So, in an effort to make him happy, I try my hardest to keep it clean. But I pretty much suck at it! He is very understanding (I hope?) and I seriously don’t think he would leave me over it. We both have discussed our “divorce-worthy” issues that could ever arise.. Compulsive lying (without ever trying to rectify it or without any attempts to at least try to be honest) is one for me. I hate lying, mainly because it tells a lot about a person’s heart and it’s just pure betrayal in my eyes. And cheating, of course. Whether it be physical or emotional. Thankfully, we are both on the same page about these — so, it makes it easier!
You’re not the first person to say here that men desire respect and women desire love. As a woman* I just don’t get this. For me, if I have respect without love, while that might be suboptimal, that’s at least something I can work with. I have professional relationships like that all the time. I don’t need everyone to love me – but darn, if I’m going to work with them for any time, they’d better learn to respect me. (I haven’t usually had much trouble getting that point across. And really, I usually have pretty friendly relationships with my coworkers, though it works out better for everyone if I make it clear from the outset that I don’t stand for people fucking with me. Or, for that matter, anyone who works for me or is otherwise under my protection. Unless they really blow it.)
Love without respect though? Is a kind of love I’d rather not have. Frankly, it sounds downright poisonous. Like the kind of person who is convinced they know what’s best for me, or who wants to possess me, but hasn’t bothered to consult me about it. Ugh. Been there, done that, would not play again.
For me, respect is a necessary, if not sufficient, precondition for any love that I’d want. And because of that, if I had to choose between the two, respect will always win.
* And sure, I’m a neurobiologist, former software engineer, and martial arts instructor who is super handy if want to get into my lack of adherence to traditional gender roles… but then I also am an excellent cook, gardener, love kids, like to dance… I’m somewhere between well-rounded and spiky in a lot of different directions.
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This is a thoughtful and accurate depiction of a common and sad relationship breakdown. I like every part of this article except one little bit:
“Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.”
The assumption that kid related things are HER job is maddening. If both parents are home, both parents are parents.
This is a fantastic article.
I am so blessed my sister sent this to me. My husband and me have been married 6 years. The only thing I ask of him is to cleanup his messes. However after 6 years he still hasn’t followed through with my request. Travis, my husband, doesn’t just leave a cup by the sink he leaves a nasty NASTY mess in the kitchen and throughout the house. See, we work different shifts. Travis retired from the USMC at the age of 36 this past December. I admire his work ethic and many accomplishments ❤️. He now works a civilian job making really good money however he hates his job. Therefore I feel like I seek the rarth of Travis everyday that I get home from work. Once I arrive to our home I start with the kitchen and work my way throug the house cleaning up his mess. Travis leaves for work an hour after I get home. Therefore there is never fussing or nagging about his messes. I learned early on that God desires for me to be the best wife I know how to be. That’s my goal❤️ I HAVE discussed with Travis how disgusted I get with him when I come home to a nasty house. Travis’s response is, I go to school ‘online’, workout ‘Every single day’, and work a full time job that I hate. The only thing you do is work 8 hours, take care of Hayden ” Hayden is my son from a 12 year relationship” and clean the house!
I love Travis and know how he thinks. I sent this link to Travis ‘he’s at work’ in hopes that he gets how I feel.
Reblogged this on .
First – Holy cow what a fantastic article! I saw this shared on a friend’s Facebook post and I am now a loyal reader. The content is incredibly enlightening, but I also really dig the writing style.
Second – reading through way too many of the comments was a mistake I shall not repeat. So many of the commenters chose to focus on the OCD-ness of the “glass by the sink” example and it totally blinded them to the CONCEPT which the drinking glass represents. Seriously people, big picture time. Pull panties out of crack, recognize that men and women think and feel and behave and love and hurt differently. (Speaking metaphorically) buy new panties which do not ride up in crack (meaning, now that you recognize the differences exist, find new ways to build that recognition into your daily existence). Now, resist the urge to wear the ill-fitting, crack-riding panties just because it is laundry day and nothing else was clean. This takes work and planning and diligence. Whether you wear panties, boxer briefs, boy shorts, or nothing at all.
So it didn’t occur to him that if she asks him over and over again why he couldn’t put the glass in the dishwasher that it was a big deal to her?
It isn’t about who works outside the home full time. It’s about HEARING your spouse. When a spouse makes noises about why you have to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or hair in the sink or shoes in the living room (guilty) it’s a flag.
If there’s one or two things ok. When it’s constant about multiple things you have to question what the spouse wants and why he or she is even with you. If everything you do or don’t do causes a comment or nagging, you have real troubles.
In this case, he didn’t read the signals. Maybe he’ll be a better spouse next time around.
I wish I could get my husband to read this and truly understand the meaning. I swear to God, if I hear one more time, “I’m no professional” as his reasoning for not completing or for doing something half way around the house, I’m hiring an attorney. I’m no professional chef, but I don’t serve raw potatoes or frozen chicken for dinner. This is our HOME, our sanctuary, why doesn’t he care? This gives me better words to express myself. Thank you.
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I am making my husband read this. He leaves his dishes on the counter right above the dishwasher even though I’ve asked him countless times not to do that. You understand why it’s a bigger issue than the dishes. Thank-you.
I bet there were plenty of things you did for her without feeling like you were being disrespected for having to do them. Did you care for the lawn? Take out the trash? Make sure the vehicles were maintained? It makes me so mad when all of the things husbands do for their wives are just disregarded, and then they are the bad guys for not doing everything else on top of it. So you left cups by the sink. She chose to see it as an act of disrespect on your part instead of looking at it as an act of love on her part to put them away for you.
My marriage is similar in that my husband is messy and cluttered and I like things tidy. But I love him for who is his, not what he does for me. ..though he does plenty!
Lisa,
You just took women independence 100yrs back. That denotes the concept of the reason to this whole post. It’s not about the actual cup or what more he does do for her that she doesn’t bring to light, it’s about respect and appreciation whether it’s dirty dishes or spending extra time with the kids. What ever is important to the person you love, you should respect and adhere to because when you truly truly love someone, you enjoy seeing them smile and do what you can to make them smile. Not everyone understand this because they don’t know what love truly is; 50/50 of putting their happiness ahead of your own “comfort”.
and your reply is why over 50 % of marriages end in divorce
Lisa how far did you set women back? Is a woman so weak that a cup in the sink destroys her entire self esteem and self worth? Are they so much weaker than men because such things don’t affect us? Do you think a strong person would so easily toppled? I’m divorced, but it was not my choice. Now should I have divorced my wife because she never vacuumed, never cleand the bathroom or kitchen? That I had to help her with the dishes and the laundry? Should I have divorced her because she never got a job, woke up at noon, and played on her phone all day? No I loved her and such things shouldn’t matter. But if things were the other way around. You are saying woman are weak and that such things would be worth a divorce.
Marriage is 100/100, divorce is 50/50 for one and two) dieing to self is for both not just one.
Lovely said!I agree. It’s a give and take. A constant evolution of truly flowing with one another. Learning to weave that Web and share a beautiful and meaningful life.
Mistake my comment was to Jessica not Lisa.
“You just took women independence 100yrs back.”
That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think? Taking issue with this article is like taking away women’s right to vote?
“It’s not about the actual cup or what more he does do for her that she doesn’t bring to light”
Lisa’s point is that it SHOULD be about that ALSO. Men *should* put the cup away, but women also should endeavor to recognize the demonstrations of love and respect that they DO make. Does this seem unreasonable? Why is this idea an attack on women’s liberty?
“it’s about respect and appreciation whether it’s dirty dishes or spending extra time with the kids.”
No, actually it’s not. You appear to have missed the point of this article and picked out only the parts you like (i.e. the parts where it is telling men what they’re failing at).
It is actually about giving BOTH SEXES a hint about successful communication with the opposite sex. Yes, it is telling men why things women do that seem trivial to them are actually very important. But it is ALSO TELLING WOMEN that this **needs to be pointed out to them**. This article is highlighting a common and fundamental difference between men and women that leads to a common and fundamental problem with communication.
This article is NOT just about telling men to do little things that their wives or girlfriends want them to do. It is about telling men why women are upset about it in the first place, AND about telling women why men don’t get it when they think they should.
But yes, by all means — go ahead and talk about how putting any onus on women for successful communication in a relationship is like setting back women’s rights by a century. That sounds completely reasonable.
I don’t think his point is that he was the only one who did anything wrong, or that this is all he did wrong, or that a wife should be able to sit around like some queen who does nothing. I think he is simply addressing what he feels is his own part in the collapse of his marriage – which, incidentally, is the only part he has control over – rather than turning it into a tit-for-tat situation that solves nothing and only makes things worse. He’s certainly right in his assessment that if you truly cannot take 4 seconds to do something (that’s also very easy) to make your significant other happy, there is a problem. I cannot believe someone would actually encourage a petty argument over it. The mindset you are displaying is exactly what he is saying ruined his marriage.
Shaman Sister SinDelle excellent reply…can we be friends? lol
LOL Sure :oD
very well said…
This!!!
Excellent response! Thank you for being a critical thinker 🙂
The point is for each person to look to the things they can do to make the relationship better, nto the things the other can do. it’s not my responsibility as a husband or my place to tell my wife “it’s not that big a deal, you need to respect me more.” It’s my job to do the things I can to be better to her.
Relationships are two way streets, but I only have control of one of those directions–the one form me to her. Therefore, I need to be doing what I can to make that direction one of unconditional love and respect. if the relationship is healthy, she will be doing the same. if it’s not, then at least I am doing all I can–plus, it’s pretty hard to be bad to somebody who is truly giving you what you need.
This is very well-said. It’s unreal to me that the author of this article is willing to examine and admit what he feels he did wrong and people are lining up to hand him reasons to blame his wife instead of taking responsibility for his part. It’s as if someone not acting like a victim is offensive to them. I don’t get it.
I believe it is a give and take but unless totally agree with the original writer of this article. I do all housework and all outside work and take care of all vehicles and animal welfare, birthday cards etc. My husband has his job outside the home. I have until just recently worked full-time and more plus all of the home stuff as well. I love my husband and know he loves me but I could certainly have more help her I just don’t think it will happen.
I recently read an article that said women should stop using the word “help” when speaking about husbands and household chores. It makes it sound like taking care of the home is strictly the woman’s job and if the man participates in any of it, it should be considered a favor or something. “Could you help me out and bathe the baby tonight?” “Can you help me fold the clothes?” “Can you help me wrap your parents’ Xmas gifts?” Until I read that article, nothing about these questions seemed strange to me. But if you think about it, the wording of these questions make it sound as if these tasks are strictly the woman’s responsibility and if the man does what is asked of him, he is earning brownie points. That is so 1950. An adult relationship should be a partnership. A household is shared and should be run jointly. Most marriages consist of two employed individuals. So why should it be just one of them who is expected to take care of the house? A man doing the laundry should not be told he’s helping. Half of that laundry is his, after all. If he is the first one to notice the hamper is full, it should just be automatic that he starts the laundry. If the woman notices it first, then she should do it.
I am having a lot of problems with my wrist right now and will be having surgery soon. It’s a struggle to get the dirty laundry downstairs, where the washer and dryer are. It also really hurts to fold the clothes. I get snappy about it with my fiance because it gets tiring to always have to ask him to bring the laundry downstairs. He can see it’s full. Last night, he got snappy back. He said he’s going to put an end to this fight by hiring someone to do our laundry and fold it. And he was serious. How ridiculous is that? He is a great person and I love him very much, but him saying that kind of disgusted me. It’s as if he, and probably most men, have this sense of entitlement. Most men think that after a long workday, they should be able to come home and relax. Most women are already planning which chores they are going to do when they get home before lunch break. In most cases, this is going to cause resentment to build up until, one day, that glass by the sink is enough to make a woman want out.
Sorry. I saw you use the word “help” and meant to respond with a brief description of the article. I guess I needed to vent. Haha.
Amen!
Good lord.. are you kidding me? Seriously? I say thank you every time my husband does something and it’s meaningless to him. Why? because it’s just words.
Here’s what women get sick of Lisa in case you are so busy doting on your trash taking out guy you didn’t notice…. Taking care of grown men who act like children is exhausting. Pick up your toys, pick you up your plate when you’re done, put your socks in the laundry bin, put your dirty pants, underwear, shirts EVERYTHING In the dirty clothes bin, fold clothes then put them away (just like I do) think of other people who have to put their important papers down on that counter that you just left smeared with mayo, and wipe it up (like I do) It’s a constant stream of helplessness on their part. They are so myopic that they walk through the house, and sometimes life, dropping crap left and right with no thought to others around them.
If you seriously have never encountered the man-child, consider yourself lucky, but don’t tell me I don’t appreciate my husband and that the HUNDREDS of things I do around here are nothing. Not only do I do these hundreds of things, but I help care for the lawn, rake, garden, wash floors, take the car in… it’s called life and if just doing that was all it took it wouldn’t be a problem. The yard is what.. once a week if that? Every day life happens and the hundreds of things women do ON TOP of the other maintenance things is what he’s talking about. Yes. I like a clean house and I don’t like taking care of a perfectly capable adult man.
The idea that taking the trash out once a week, or the car in once every three months, or that yard work every week is contributing to the daily upkeep attention and care that is needed to run a home is laughable. Oooh! He makes sure the vehicles are maintained! That’s SO HARD! The little light comes on and you make a phone call. Wow. Get the man a medal. Now that h’s demonstrated he’s a big boy, he can get up, make breakfasts, lunches, go to work, come home, cook, clean, attend, fix, pick up, do laundry and do all the little things that have to get done just like his wife does. PAH-LEASE! I divorced a man-child because I did everything. Every god-damned thing right down to bringing home the pay check. I don’t need a burden, I need a mate and I’m sorry.. but the crap you listed is nothing. Absolutely nothing when hundreds of things have to get done every single day.
Way to completely ignore the fact that men can and do run the house and get just as pissy about the little things like plates being left on the table. My wife is constantly leaving her dirty dishes for me to put in the dishwasher, but I’m not so petty that I want to divorce her because of it. It’s who she is and I lover her regardless. If your so fragile that someone not putting a glass in the dishwasher makes you want to divorce them, there’s a deeper problem.
OMG, yes, and he’s getting worse and I am getting more fed up with it. I told my friend that it feels like he’s saying ‘Oh, you have nothing better to do than run around behind me and clean up after me.’. I am so SICK AND TIRED of wiping up the coffee spills every single freakin’ morning (and I don’t drink coffee so it’s not my mess) and soaking the oatmeal bowl because it’s not turned into concrete and he couldn’t be bothered to rinse it. And coming home from work on his day off and he’s waiting for me to get here to fix dinner because ‘I didn’t know what you wanted to have’ and putting the soda can by the sink instead of in the recycling bin. I could go on and on. I don’t need a child to take care of, I raised my kids. I want an adult.
A-freakin-men.
First of all, none of those are daily tasks, so they don’t really compare.
Second, I highly doubt he thanks her every time she does the dishes, makes dinner, does laundry, cleans the house, goes grocery shopping, helps the kids with their homework, etc. and guess what? He shouldn’t. These are basic household responsibilities that both spouses should willingly share, which is where the glass comes in. It’s not that difficult to clean up after yourself.
Third, if your husband asked you several times per day to take out the trash, or repeatedly asked you to mow the lawn, I’m willing to bet he would feel disrespected if you didn’t do it.
The whole point of this article is that it’s not about the glass, it’s the lack of respect. He might not care that the glass is there, but she does, and he knows she does, and he should be willing to take 5 seconds out of his day to make his wife happy.
No, that’s not the whole point, but I see why you might overlook the other part.
The other very important point is that there are fundamental reasons why it is not necessarily in him to recognize that fact. In other words, if he doesn’t seem to get why it is important, it might be because YOU HAVEN’T SUCCESSFULLY COMMUNICATED THAT TO HIM. Even if you THINK you have, because it seems so obvious to you how much it matters, your feelings about it to not necessarily make any sense to him.
Jason,
I don’t “do” passive aggressive. I don’t think I even know how to communicate indirectly. If I literally tell my husband “I feel disrespected when you leave your glass on the counter” (or whatever the case may be) I don’t think it’s unrealistic for me to expect him to understand that I feel disrespected when he leaves his glass on the counter.
I’m not intentionally ignoring any portion of this article, so, in all seriousness, please, correct me if I’m wrong.
I wasn’t suggesting that you were being passive aggressive, or that you weren’t saying anything at all.
I was suggesting (as was this article, very plainly) is that perhaps the things you’re saying aren’t getting through because *they don’t make any emotional sense to him*.
This was the huge point of the last few paragraphs: **simply telling him how you feel might not be enough** no matter how many times you do it.
If you tell your husband that you feel disrespected that he left his glass on the counter, even if you tell him that directly, it may sound totally absurd to him. He would NEVER feel disrespected if you did that, and he cannot see how anyone could. It may sound like you’re just picking fights over minutiae because you’re irritable, or whatever. A direct and truthful statement isn’t an explanation, it doesn’t help him understand WHY you feel that way and WHY it is important to you. If you don’t give him that context, he can only evaluate your words in the context of the way HE would feel, and he simply doesn’t feel the same way.
You’re implicitly assuming that you are living in the same sort of emotional world as him, and you’re probably not. Men and women have to explain to each other not only what feelings they’re having but WHY THEY’RE HAVING THEM if they ever want to make sense to each other. That’s what I mean by SUCCESSFUL communication.
You’re assuming we understand why we feel the way we do! Feelings aren’t necessarily rational, they’re definitely not easy to explain, and they’re almost impossible to compare. I can’t think of a single thing I do on a daily basis that upsets my husband enough to make him want to leave me. It could be that I’m perfect, and even though I’m pretty sure that’s not the case, I’ll just keep telling myself it is. 🙂
Deep down, I know it would be just as easy for me to put the glass in the dishwasher myself, but why should I have to? I’m already a mother to one child. My husband is supposed to be my partner, not an annoying roommate or a second child.
Why would I want to live with someone who makes everyday life more difficult?
My best (although probably still completely irrational) explanation is that me asking him to put his glass in the dishwasher implies that he’s doing me a favor, which implies that it’s somehow my job to clean up after him, or even to clean in general.
This whole thread is making me understand why 90’s sitcom moms went on “strike” and stopped doing “mom” duties.
“You’re assuming we understand why we feel the way we do! Feelings aren’t necessarily rational, they’re definitely not easy to explain”
And yet, you did an okay job 🙂
It’s true that it isn’t very easy to put a finger on — certainly not in the moment — but I think it is possible in most cases to puzzle out why you feel the way you do if you sit and pick at your feelings for a little while. Even if it isn’t entirely rational it is coming from *somewhere*, and the more this can be illuminated the easier it will be for your partner to understand where you’re coming from.
Basically I’m just saying that people deserve a better explanation than “because it does” or “because I said so”, and I think figuring out how to give one will make communication better on both sides.
See, maybe I’m perfect after all!
I think that’s the problem, though. The implication that it’s somehow my job to maintain our household even though I have a regular full time job, too.
It almost makes me wish I had been born in the 30’s, when men and women had clearly defined roles. It seems like life and marriage were much simpler back then. Then again, I love jeans and voting, so I guess I’m stuck in the present.
Good job Lisa. My wife thought this article was absurd. I love how the article says “it’s not about the glass by the sink”. Yes it is and it’s also about instances that are equally absurd. This marriage was doomed from the word go.
This resonates with people because often when someone is leaving that cup out, they also aren’t doing everything you just listed. At least not without repeated asking and downright begging. I had to take out my own trash, and the last summer of my relationship I can count the times the lawn was mowed on one hand.
If you think it was just about the glass, you are sorely incorrect. As humans, one small transgression that irritates us, is about several but we focus on the minor one. Often we do this to test and see if we can get some sort of response about a little problem. The reaction or lack of one, tells us the bigger ones will not matter much either. I have been with my husband for 30 years. We both work, but I do EVERYTHING in the house. Including worrying about the money and trying to make sure he gets everything he wants. He is waited on hand and foot. He has almost died 2 times in the last 8 years. I was a caregiver to him 24/7 for 4 years. I was not treated well during this time, but I was committed to helping him through. Our entire relationship, I have had to remind, beg, plead anything to get him to do some small things that I could not do. Examples of this are changing light bulbs, knocking a spider web down (very high on the ceiling) etc. What he has taught me is… I cannot rely on anyone but myself. I stopped asking and started paying for things that took to long to get done. You see I have always believed in the “team” approach. I am not above doing anything. I did all of the yard work for almost 25 years. After being a care giver I just got to worn out to continue to beg, borrow and plead. I have shoved any and all resentment away and am trying to give him the best life I can before he passes away. Do I feel jilted sometimes…yes. But, I know I am doing the right thing. I stopped complaining and accepted what is. Not all of us are helpless, but when we are married; it would be nice to be treated as equals and have your spouse help you as much as you help them.
My husband does little things that irritate me all the time. It does not mean he doesn’t love me. It does not mean anything. ANY person who finds this annoying enough to divorce your spouse has the issues.
The fact he stood his ground and didn’t give in and she left him, shows he could not be controlled by her and as a result she left him.
He is not to blame at all.
What he is trying to say is that there was a deeper meaning to this.
My husband leaves glasses by the sink all the time. I don’t care about that. HOWEVER, I care about other things. When I tell him I don’t like certain things or I need certain things, he tries to address those things, or we come up with a compromise we can both live with. And vice versa.
For example, he wants the toilet paper on so it rolls off the top. I could care less about that. And it’s just TP. Who cares? BUT… I do it the way he wants it BECAUSE it matters to him.
And I think that is the point the author was trying to say – everyone has something that, no matter how trivial it seems objectively, matters to them. If you care about that person, you will try to respect that thing. For Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory, it’s his spot. For one guy friend of mine, it’s never eating in his car (he is a fanatic about keeping it pristine.) For my Mom, it was important we took our shoes off and put on slippers in the house. So we did. For my Dad, it was giving him 15 minutes to himself when he first came home from work. And so on.
It doesn’t matter WHAT the particular thing is. What matters is that you respect the other person enough to honor that thing, no matter how trivial it seems to you and vice versa.
Exactly
Yes.
I agree with that. For my ex- husband, he didn’t like when I left my clothes hanging on the closet doorknob. He told me and I didn’t do it anymore. It was a little thing but it bugged him and because usually loved him, I respected that. And our divorce had nothing to do with those little things.
Wonderfully stated.
He “stood his ground” by refusing to put a glass in the dishwasher, even though he knew it made his wife feel disrespected. Expecting someone to clean up after themselves is hardly controlling.
Reblogged this on The Little Shaman.
I will be honest, I did not finish the article yet. But what I read so far makes me think, ” if you truly love someone, the glass does not matter.” She had other reasons to leave. I lovingly put the beer cans from the night before in the recycle bin, even though I have to march my butt outdoors in frigid temperatures to do it, because I adore that man, and I will never let anything like an empty glass by the sink or underpants on the floor ever detract from that. I am happy to be reminded of his presence in my life. God forbid I ever lose him, I will miss those things.
Life is short. Love means everything. Embrace it and let that other shit go.
What?! You love his underpants on the floor?! Make him pick up his own underpants! For fuck’s sake. It’s 2016.
Finish the story you will find it isn’t about the glass it is about what matters to the other person no matter how trivial
Sherry, that makes you an emotionally-dependent doormat, not a wife. Women with more respect for themselves take a man as her husband, not as her child.
Spoken like a newly married person. Add kids and 20 years of picking up his underwear, and you’ll get it.
Everyone, there is a book called The Five Love Languages that explains a lot.
Take the quiz online for free.
Umm, I really don’t think the glass issue is about your wife feeling insecure or that you don’t love her. It probably has more to do with not wanting to be with a man she perceives to be lazy and/or childlike. These are fundamentally unattractive traits that can infantalize men and make them less attractive over time.
THank you for wording it that way. What you just said is accurate. It IS what the writer expressed – the demonstration of a lack of caring or respect, yes – but also more importantly, not wanting to be with a man who is lazy, childlike, immature or lacking an important sense of self-care. It has one not feel safe. I’ve been dealing with this point within my relationship with someone who shrinks back from confrontation within challenges, who is messy, who flakes a lot, etc and it DOES create an environment of not feeling safe or like you’re with someone who’s not truly showing up in partnership. I don’t want to have to be the one carrying the sword and getting sh$& done because if I don’t, I know my partner won’t do it. I want someone I know will stand in the fire and do what has to be done. Who cares enough about our shared space that he respects how important it is to me (and us) and who does follow through in putting stuff away (with, of course, allowances for times you’re on the run or slip up a bit – that’s normal).
It has definitely slowly but surely eroded our relationship. I’ve tried to overcome and oversee it but in my gut I can’t continue on anymore, and also can’t make myself wrong anymore for feeling that way.
Fascinating article and great thread discussion here. I see BOTH sides of it AND I think the writer courageously expressed this usually hidden point of view.
Thank you.
THIS. This is what bothers me, and a lot of my friends about their husbands too unfortunately (it’s like a plague, did parents in the 80s forget to teach their sons how to do clean up after themselves/budget money/identify when an object is broken and then fix it?)
The writer talked about it too, how he realized that his wife started to feel like his mom. Picking up someone’s glass and placing it in the dishwasher is a small example. I am also the only one who initiates action on our bank account, home purchasing, child rearing, health care, donations, house repairs and projects, and vacations, just to name a few.
Sure he does do things around the house, he mows the lawn and will gladly go grocery shopping if I ask him, for example.
But he does not do it on his own initiative.
I feel like his mom. That’s just not sexy.
Lisa it’s not about the glass lol
I get this. Both sides of it. I really do.
One question though, with some background first. I am a widower. My wife passed away in August of 2015. Breast cancer.
Even with that pain of the loss, I still understand an important thing about her… even if it is not kind or pretty: she was emotionally abusive.
Multiple counselors (every single one) saw it and tried to get through to her that she jad a serious problem. Every one that I could get her to. Including the ones she picked. They all failed.
Now when I read this, I remember her using such things as weapons. Finding fault constantly. Relying upon her keen ability to find the pea under the matresses, which gave her the power to keep her on the offensive and everyone in her life (whom she feared could hurt her) on the defensive. It was all about control.
While I understand what you are saying, I think it is unhealthy to think you should make it your goal to do every little thing someone wants from you. There has to be some middle ground. I spent 20 years spiraling into depression and self loathing right up to the crumbling brink of suicide. I was never good enough. Thoughtful enough. Thorough enough. Etc, etc.
Sometimes a glass by the sink means what you say above. But sometimes it is an unreasonable bit of controlling bullshit.
It can be hard to know which. Sometimes almost impossible without objective outside expert help.
Absolutely accurate.
“because male and female emotional responses tend to differ pretty dramatically.”
… … …
because people’s emotional responses tend to differ dramatically.
And also men and women! Denying it for political correctness reasons doesn’t make it less true.
It’s hard to solve problems when we don’t deal in reality.
Men and women are demonstrably different. One gender is not better than another. One gender is not more worthy of respect than another.
But, men and women are different. When you deny it, you exacerbate the communication problems men and women have that end their relationships.
This is not ALWAYS true. There are few absolutes in life. But it is MOSTLY true.
If you read every comment, you’ll see a pattern emerging.
Thank you for striving for fairness. But it wasn’t necessary. I already know women are brilliant and successful and high-functioning and worthy of admiration and respect.
Problems like this dish thing? It typically begins when men argue with their wives under the false assumption that she is emotionally wired like him. That’s how he concludes that she’s “wrong.”
And it’s a major problem.
“But, men and women are different. When you deny it, you exacerbate the communication problems men and women have that end their relationships.”
THANK YOU!!!!!
Responses like this let me know you are single, divorced, or headed for a divorce.
Thank you for this article!!! It’s not just something I relate my husband to and definitely will forward for him to read, but helped me put some things in perspective!!! Us as humans sometimes forget that no matter how important or unimportant something is to you, it’s not always about you!! If we don’t want to have to please another person or think of someone other than yourself my suggestion is stay single…. When you marry someone– YOU as a single person is over!!! It’s US that matters now!!!!
Thanks again!!
Agreed, unless only ONE of us loves the “us” concept.
I disagree with this. I believe to have a successful relationship, each person has to have room to be imperfect, and both parties have to be mature/secure enough to realize that not everything the other person does is AT them.
You didn’t leave dishes by the sink to annoy her. (If you did, that’s definitely a deeper issue.)
I don’t leave water glasses around the house for the purpose of bothering my husband. He doesn’t throw away things I was intending to keep to make my life miserable. We both realize this and get over it.
We’re both human, have flaws, and make mistakes. The state of being flawed is not disrespectful–not allowing your mate to be flawed (in the little things), however, is.
Nice. Thank you!
You missed the point of the article. Putting the glass in the dishwasher was a little thing his wife legitimately cared about and told him to do multiple times. If it means so much to her and it was his mess to begin with anyway, why not spend those 4 little seconds to put the glass away? It’s the fact that he paid her no mind even after she told him repeatedly that translated into, “I really don’t care about what you care about.”
Think about it. If there was a little thing you did (not related to who you are as a person either mind you) that seriously peeved off your husband but required the slightest bit of effort from you to fix, wouldn’t you stop doing it? Hell, I just remembered how much my brother-in-law couldn’t stand it when I put a cup on the coffee table without a coaster underneath. I wasn’t even drinking anything that could leave a ring, but it mattered a whooooole lot to him so I got myself a coaster. It was the courteous thing to do, and I’m not a selfish bitch who thinks I’m above showing courtesy to my family when it’s asked of me.
There are plenty of things my husband does that could REALLY bother me…if I let them. My point is that I’ve had to let go of some things, one of them being the idea that I’m entitled to have “pet peeves.” Is it worth destroying our relationship to maintain my “right” to be annoyed about petty little stuff? NO!
Respect is a two-way street…it means that if he does something that I consider worth bringing up (which I try to do sparingly so as not to turn into a nag), I bring it up in a respectful way, and he doesn’t respond to the fact that I brought it up in a rude way. If the response itself is disrespectful, that’s a different story.
In the example with your brother-in-law, both of you have an obligation to show courtesy. If you forget to put a coaster, he could get one for you, or kindly point it out, and you could make a point to try to remember (rather than snap at him for pointing out or rolling your eyes or something). But if you still forget once in a while, does that make you a “selfish bitch?” Does that give him the right to treat you poorly about it? I don’t think so.
In our home, we may joke at each other about our faults as a way to keep things light but still gently remind each other to work on them in a roundabout way. The kids even get in on it–my daughter will frequently stick labels saying things like “Do not throw away!!” on items she wants to keep, knowing her dad’s tendency to throw away all the things. But when he still does it on occasion, we all know to be gracious and forgiving about it.
This is the key of what I’m talking about. Being gracious and forgiving is essential to a healthy relationship.
I almost like this. Except I can’t shake off a feeling that the author has missed the point yet again (or is just inventing things a bit to make a palatable (popular) post.. Because it seems that the dishes rather were the last straw and not what they are described to be in the post..
I think that some of these responses are missing the entire point of this post. The point is not that you should be a slave to your significant other. The point is not that all the author ever did wrong was leave dishes by the sink. The point is that little things matter, and if you habitually disregard your spouse’s feelings – even over things you don’t think are that big of a deal – you’re eventually going to end up divorced. THAT is the point.
Right! Everything you said was accurate, and the post was totally a wake up for me in terms of how I can be more considerate of my husband when it comes to the little things that clearly irk him as I’ve recently noticed he tries to do for me!
Yes, I agree that there is really great information here in this post for everybody. The author did a fantastic job.
There is another point that everyone seems to be missing: If they’re NOT doing those little things, it MIGHT be because you haven’t properly expressed WHY they are important.
I quote:
” They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.
And this is important: **Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something.** Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt. It’s like, he doesn’t think she has the right to (and then use it as a weapon against him) because it feels unfair.
…
Once someone figures out how to help a man equate the glass situation (which does not, and will never, affect him emotionally) with DEEPLY wounding his wife and making her feel sad, alone, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, afraid, etc. … Once men really grasp that and accept it as true even though it doesn’t make sense to them?
Everything changes forever. ”
THIS is actually the main point of this article.
Not “men are doing this stupid thing and should stop it”
but
“Men and women have this rift in emotional communication and I want to explain to them both how the other side feels in a way they can understand so they can fix it”
Do you have any advice to offer? Telling women they need to make their husbands understand how they feel isn’t exactly helpful. If we knew how to make them understand, I’m pretty sure we’d already be doing it.
Yes. Little things matter, and people need to remember that they are not the only person in the relationship, and therefore how they think or feel about something isn’t all that matters.
No no… I think that most of us get that. What we are saying is that there are limits and a cup in the sink is such an incredibly miniscule issue that NO ONE EVER should make THAT a line in the sand.
It’s a metaphor, dude. The cup is a metaphor.
Exactly.
My above reply ended up at the bottom of the thread… I was actually agreeing with the original comment by Sister Sindelle at the top of the thread. 🙂 I liked what Jason had to say as well…
🙂
The glass is a metaphor people. Couldn’t be stated more clearly. This article has so much truth to it and hopefully will enlighten some closed- minds.
Yup yup. It’s interesting to read through the comments though. I’m discovering just what lengths so many overly-dependent doormats and selfish, ego-centric people will go to defend their give-all or take-all attitudes.
100% true!
This article is so spot on for me. So many people are writing about how if you love the person, it does not matter about the glass. I don’t think a lot of people are really “getting” the article. She didn’t really divorce him over him leaving the glass beside the sink. It runs so much deeper than that. For women, one way that a husband can show his love for her is by doing little things to help her out daily. I am a mom and I work full time and my husband does as well. I love my husband to pieces, but unfortunately, I do not get the help that I so desire to help make my life (all of our lives) much easier/happier. When you’re a working mom who takes care of the home, runs kids all around, and does many other things on top of that…a husband has no idea what effect he can have on his marriage just by helping do little things. And it’s not just that, there’s so much more that he can do to show his love for her. Just saying it, means nothing. It is in your actions that truly show your love for your spouse. After years and years of this cycle occurring, (with no help from the spouse) it can make a women bitter and have such an effect on her in a negative way. Men truly sometimes cannot see what is right in front of them. Doing little things for your spouse could do wonders for your marriage, I wish more people would see that. It is my hope that more men would see things as the author who wrote this does, and before it’s too late. I do not say all this to bash men, there are plenty of good men out there and many that help pitch in and make things easier for the household and family. Thank you for writing this article. If truly touched me and made me cry, honestly because I feel so much like the “wife” you described. Again, I know there was so much more to the story, but you def got it spot on for me, thank you.
Sigh.
Everyone is seizing on the part that THEY identify with — the part where the man sounds like he is being stupid and insensitive, or simply that they lazy and aren’t pitching in with the housework — and missing the actual point of the article.
This article is about two-way communication.
– Yes, he does not understand your feelings and why you’re having them, and this article is trying to explain your feelings to him.
– However, the fact that he doesn’t understand your feelings **is partly because you haven’t explain them to him**, and this article is trying to explain to YOU why he doesn’t understand.
Simply telling a man that something upsets you doesn’t tell him WHY. It doesn’t make him understand, it only tells him that you’re angry with him. If your feelings don’t make any sense to him — if he wouldn’t feel the same way in your place — then without any further explanation it is going to sound to him like you’re just blaming him for insignificant things because you’re being irritable. Then one person feels disrespected, and another feels victimized, and nobody wins. Instead, explain to him, as this article does, WHY the tiny thing you want him to do is so important. Not that it IS important, but WHY it is important.
This article is not about things men need to learn. It is about things men and women need to do to change their understanding of each other.
The author actually states quite clearly that most women do try to tell their husbands over and over WHY something upsets them, but that the husband still does not get it:
“I think a lot of times, wives don’t agree with me. They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.”
The author doesn’t say that women do not explain the real problem. He states there is no way women CAN explain the real problem so that men can receive it and take it seriously. That is something totally different. He also ends the article with the idea that in order to fix the situation, men need to “grasp [the real problem] and accept it as true even though it doesn’t make sense to them.”
Certainly women can use the information here to help us understand things, but there is no way to talk to a rock. You can say whatever you want however you want, but the rock ain’t hearing it. In other words, men need to stop dismissing this kind of thing as just “hysterical, emotional women’s bullshit,” “controlling them,” or “nagging just to be a bitch.” It isn’t any of these things. You hear plenty of jokes from men about how emotional women are, and how much “stupid little things” mean to us; there are a million songs about it and movies, too, so it’s not like it’s some secret. Guys who care about their marriages might want to stop laughing and start listening before it’s too late. You can only make someone feel disrespected, hurt and unappreciated for so long before they’re just going to leave.
I think this emotionally sensitive screw ball just came outta the closet. A glass by the sink is no more than a glass by the sink. The less times i leave a glass by the sink the more times i do laundry or let my wife get a new car….. It’s just about control and no one should be controlling each other.
Psssst. “Screwball” is one word.
Good luck in your relationships, man!
Its not about the glass nor control , its about one desire to understand their spouse’s needs (or ignore them, resent them, resist them, etc). If you DO think its about the glass or control then you are focused on YOU and in a working relationship, the focus needs to be outward, not inward.
Excellent comment, Jean!!
I’m sure the glass was just one of many things, just the last straw. I don’t know if all men do this, but with my husband it would be a competition of sorts, ‘she can’t tell me what to do’. But it bothered her, you knew it did, whether you understood or not. So every time she saw a glass by the sink, it coloured her perception of you in a bad way. As time went on, there was more ‘bad colour’ than good. People may not ‘keep score’ in a conscious way, though some do, but it’s still there somewhere in the background. “He makes me feel good/appreciated/loved/whatever’ vs ‘he makes me feel frustrated/unloved/unappreciated/bad/whatever’, and the relationship works on whichever is predominate. Yes, love can mitigate some of it, but not all.
So, I joined this blog, but I can’t believe how infantile many of the responses are (no offence). I am on my second marriage and happy! We respect eachother and give eachother what we need.
My first husband expected me to do everything (and work full time). I asked him for nearly 2 years if he could ‘do the dishes-EVER?’ When he finally did, I nearly fell off my rocker, but said nothing. His response was: “Did you notice I did the dishes?” To which I simply replied: “Yes, I did”. The next thing he said enraged me…..”Well, aren’t you going to THANK me?”
ONE of many reasons why we divorced.
Relationships MUST have mutual respect for ‘eachothers’ needs in order to be a success!!!
Funny in my house it is the opposite. My husband nags and yells when i leave a cup in the sink. We constantky fight over how he is a neat freak and i am tidy. I am by no means a slob but my clean is not clean to him my put away is not his show home feel. I have 3 children 6 3 and 1 and he expects me to keep my house show home ready 24/7. This to me is very hard to accomplish on my own. As the only time he helps with the kids is when i am away for work. Oh ya did i say that i must manage all of this hold while worlong 40hrs aweek. So o i get your article in some cases. If i get a divorce it will be for a cup left in the sink.
I have a hard time believing she left because of a glass…no matter how many times you left it by the sink. I just feel there had to be something more. If it was truly the glass, what would have been next on her list if you had initially complied. Maybe it wasn’t you at all. Everyone has flaws or has habits that irritate their significant other. You can try to change someone’s irritating habits…but if you fail…pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Did you not actually read the post? As he said, IT WASN’T ABOUT THE GLASSES! God, I despair of the human race when I read comments like this.
this made me snort-laugh, That Girl
You and me both… it’s like they only read a third of the way in, at most.
Yes. I did read the article. Maybe you should read it again. It started WITH THE GLASS….and I’ve no doubt you despair with an attitude like that.
I seriously worry about reading comprehension capability in our country. This article WAS NOT about the glass!
Yes. I did read the article. Maybe you should read it again. It started WITH THE GLASS….and I’ve no doubt you despair with an attitude like that.
This is a small work of genius and great domestic insight. Thank you for your perspicacity, and for posting!
A few comments are right, you must take it in context. I am surprised by how many people missed the point of the article. The very excellent take home message is to find out which little things matter to your spouse, and do those that matter to them. It is NOT about doing every little thing
This story resonated with me for so many reasons. Thank you for your willingness to share.
The problem with this article is the assumption that you two were ever good for each other in the first place. You, quite reasonably, don’t give a shit about a cup near the sink. She, quite reasonably, does. Neither of you are wrong, no one is to blame, despite your self-loathing subtext (that she implanted in you). You just weren’t good for each other, and maybe you should do some soul searching to figure out why you ever got married.
If your relationship had been healthy she would have realized that a cup by the sink is just a cup by the sink, not a signal of your contempt for her; contempt that only manifests in these subtle, conspiracy theory-esque ways. Her seeing this in you is likely a projection of her own internalized hatred for herself the source of which only she can know. She knew she got mad when she saw the cup by the sink, and didn’t have the wherewithal to question herself as to where this anger was really coming from, but she knew where the cup came from, so up on the cross you go! Like you say, the cup isn’t what’s important, but it’s because she would have found something, anything else. The problem is not that you were transgressing (nobody’s perfect, and it’s just a friggin’ cup), but that she was keeping track.
Yeppers!
oh my goodness. this. yes.
Yeah I think that’s a bunch of bs. She couldn’t be willing to settle the hell down with her demands? You can’t blame yourself for her unwillingness to compromise in her demands of something so petty.
When most of us argue, whatever we argue about is almost never the real issue. Maybe an honest discussion about the real topic (like I don’t feel valued or respected or you don’t give me enough attention, etc.) is better than doing battle over an inanimate object.
If a couple truly can’t resolve a difference of opinion about glasses in a dishwasher they’re doomed to failure anyway. Divorce each other and take your problems to your next relationship…
Pussy. Stop being a bitch.
Awesome!
I have never read something that rang so true!! It might be different for everyone but I personally get exactly what he means. I love my husband dearly but I could not agree more. He does not get it when I try to explain to him and nothing changes because he thinks it is about the glass(so to speak). This article puts both sides into perspective.
For years, my ex thought the problem, basically, was dishes by the sink. We had the same damn argument all the time about him not doing the dishes.
Actually, we divorced because he was a sexually coercive jerk, and the rug I tried to put on that issue was too fragile to stand up to him being a sexually coercive jerk who also never washed a dish. He could maybe have bought some time by scrubbing some pots. No promises.
So I doubt that your marriage crumbled because of dishes by the sink. Really. There’s always both bigger and smaller things.
I am glad to see you actually “got it”..the underlying reasons,not just the face value part.the
“dont listen to what i am saying,hear what i MEAN”..shame it came AFTER the divorce.
Thank you for this post – it’s something both men and women (whether in straight or gay relationships) need to hear. I’m sad that a bunch of commenters didn’t actually read what you wrote, which comes down to the symbolic meaning of things that drive people nuts. Sometimes putting in a tiny effort about something you don’t care about to show your partner that you care about them (e.g. I will watch certain movies I just don’t like because my spouse LOVES them) is really part of a good relationship. I would do as much for my friends, why not my spouse? I must say, the number of commenters above that seem to think this is about the glasses themselves or one partner being enslaved to the other really brings home to me why so many couples don’t make it.
You said it.
I said this once already today: I shouldn’t be surprised so many people missed the point. Because statistically speaking, this should make absolutely no sense to more than half of the readers.
#divorcerate
Thank you very much for reading and commenting.
To be fair, it might make more sense to do a comparison between abstract and concrete thinkers. (If those terms are even considered substantive anymore neurobiologist != psychologist!) It may well be that there are plenty of folks who aren’t into metaphors but do just fine with marriage (at least with the right partner.)
This.
This is ridiculous. If she loved you, she’d find your quirks endearing. You need to go back and do some soul searching. Chances are that if you were an ass about picking your glass up, you were probably an ass about a lot of other things as well.
You’ve managed to nail it AND completely miss the point all in the same comment!
Thanks for checking it out. I promise to go back and do more soul searching. Kinda my thing.
This is too funny that I stumbled upon this article. This explains my situation EXACTLY and my husband and I of 5 years are on the brink of separating.
We have two little kids. I work full time, he works full time. However, when we come home, he thinks he’s entitled to sit on the couch, watch tv, be on his phone, while I slave over the kids, make dinner, clean up, and get them ready for bed. Sometimes he will even go to bed early.
I have asked him repeatedly to help me out. My thinking is this… If we’re both working and we both have to pay half of the bills, then we need to split housework/taking care of the kids 50/50. To me this is perfect logic. I don’t understand when people say “well women should do things for their husbands to show them they love them.” Look, I’m not asking my husband to do things for me, I’m asking him to HELP me. I don’t set MY glasses on the counter and demand that HE put them in the dishwasher. No. I want maybe for me to do dishes one day and my husband do dishes one day. Or whatever.
I ask him to do help me clean the house or pick up before or after the kids go to bed. He says he “doesn’t know what to do” and he needs me to create him a list. For 5 years I’ve been creating lists and let me tell you, it doesn’t work. Lists work for maybe a day, but then he forgets about it and then wants me to make another one. He says he couldn’t careless about the house being dirty or the dishes. He also doesn’t see the big deal in me making another list. Maybe it’s because I don’t have time to raise a 30 year old “man.” I don’t have time to write little to-do lists that I am going to have to do for my kidskin day. I need a MAN in my life. I don’t have time to be my husbands mommy.
Have you tried being that direct with him? Some guys truly just that dance. I totally understand the frustration that he doesn’t get it without you coming Streigt out with what should be obvious.
I feel for you. There is a book called “Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. I’m not religious at all, but there is valuble information in the book. Your husband is not speaking your love language, which just by the little information you wrote speaks volumes to me. If he just could lend you a hand, you’d be happy. Anything at all….Sometimes you need to hit them over the head with a fying pan (figuratively speaking of course) to make them understand what you need out of the relationship. In turn, what he needs out of the relationship is vastly different. Rather than writing lists, come up with a contract: You will do X for him and in turn he will do X for you.
I truly hope this helps. If he is a learning man, and loves and respects you, he will make the effort.
Good luck
I have to thank you for writing this, from the bottom of my heart. I do get upset about the glass, and the dirt tracked in all over my freshly cleaned floor. I just never understood WHY the stupid glass and the totally cleanable floor mattered so much to me. My husband has, in fact, told me all the reasons why I shouldn’t feel the way I feel. It always feels like he’s telling me that my feelings simply do not matter. Not to him, not to the rest of the world. So I stopped mentioning it at all, grit my teeth and do EVERYTHING but earn the money. All this as he tells me how lucky I am that he’s so much better than all the other husbands and fathers on planet Earth. You have helped me to understand what my husband, who really is a good man, has never explained to me in a way I can understand. He is not actively, consciously disrespecting me. He just does not get why I react the way I do because he doesn’t react the way I do. I have been trying to understand him for years, and I think you’ve given me the key to that understanding. Maybe, if I show him what you’ve written, he will finally see me.
He has to tell you he is so much better than all the other husbands. Really, thinks mighty highly of himself. My huband once told me my opinion was wrong! Light bulb moment!!! Well I grew some balls and stopped that crap. Do not let someone else put value on your life, your thoughts, your feelings, no one not even someone that promise to love, honor and cherish you has that right!. Don’t grit your teeth at him dear. All that will come out eventually when you just can’t stand being torn down anymore.
It’s because men assume women are supposed to be slaves that clean up after them without complaint. Even if she has a hard day at work or the kids are sick it doesn’t matter, you expect her to clean up after you and feel lucky she has you to clean up after.. If women treated men this way they would leave too!
I have this to say.
1) As a man, you should be totally willing to give on the miniscule things, once you find out that they are a bone of contention for your spouse.
2) But, on the flip side of that coin, ladies, THAT LIST SHOULDN’T BE A MILE LONG. That’s called emotional slavery.
3) Women, you should be willing to assess your own pet peeves and desires (because women statistically tend to have more of these than men), as to their worthiness or not. Don’t just ask yourself, ask a good representative sample of people, not just your female friends/coworkers. Ask some sane people if your request sounds crazy, because you might be surprised at the answers you get.
4) If you’re willing to divorce someone because they absolutely do not want to do something trivial (that is absolutely proven to be trivial), then you’ve got the problem, not the other person.
I totally get both sides of this argument. I really do. I’m the guy that does those little things for my wife, but let’s keep it within reason. She can’t just give me the chore list and say, ‘do everything on this list, or I’m going to feel like you don’t love and respect me’, in order to keep me slaving away, because she wants to watch TV at night. I do give her her chill time, though. I also don’t blow up or have a meltdown about trivial things… because I can feel just as unloved about that crap if I choose to. I just choose not to. Trivial things are trivial things, and I would feel silly about feeling unloved or disrespected because of them. I totally have my pet peeves, but I do my best to keep the list small, and to not include things that my spouse ‘has to do extra things’ in that list.
How about, “Hey. We haven’t cleaned the kitchen in a few days. What say we put off this night of TV watching and go clean it together?” Neither one of us wants to do it, because we’re both spent from the day, but we get off our lazy asses and go do it, because we BOTH like a clean kitchen. It makes US feel better.
And you know what? When we do that on a regular basis, a glass sitting by the sink doesn’t make someone feel unloved, because the rest of the kitchen is clean.
Pro Tip, though, fellas – Don’t leave the glass by the sink. Leave some water or drink in it, and put it in the refrigerator.
Based on the article, the husband didn’t really care either way about the glass. He kind of thought he might want to use it again. Key word: might. But it really wasn’t a big deal to him. The wife, who it seems continually put that glass back in the dishwasher– cared. She had a strong preference to have dirty dishes put away- probably because it took away from the feeling that the kitchen was finished being cleaned. Who knows.
BIG IDEA: if YOU don’t care much about an issue, and your partner REALLY does, it’s kinder to do it their way. Little things add up– either positively or negatively. If you LOVE mess, that’s one thing. If you simply don’t MIND mess, that’s another entirely. Just like cake. I prefer chocolate cake; my husband STRONGLY prefers orange vanilla. I’m usually cool with choosing his over mine… because I care about how he feels.
Think of it this way: If your partner works really hard to build a chair, you don’t leave their chair outside in the rain to rot. If your partner makes a painting, you don’t have a waterfight in the room it’s sitting in. If your partner has been playing a video game for a week, you don’t start a new game over their saved game.
And- big jump here- if your partner cleans the house, you do your part to help keep it that way.
Showing you respect each other’s accomplishments goes a long way towards demonstrating your respect for each other. Showing you don’t respect the amount of work they put into a project, or doing things that creates more work for them… is hurtful. It doesn’t matter whether you personally care about their chair, painting, video game, painting, or tidy room.
And.. if you repeatedly show disrespect for the things your partner cares about… not just a single thing, but many things… they’re going to feel like you don’t value them, and want to be around people who do.
^^^^All these things, particularly about the cake 😀
My husband and I have been together for 30 years. I came to terms with the fact that he is blind to Things That Need to Get Done. So I make lists and ask him to do things – not because I’m his mother, but because he doesn’t prioritize things the way I do. In turn, he has been teaching me to take life less seriously, and about the joys of astronomy and Texas Hold’em.
And yes, he finally learned to put the glass in the dishwasher.
Love this. So what I want to say but can never find the right way to say it.
I enjoyed the read and agree that most men wouldn’t think about this situation if the wife’s perspective. However; there are some husband’s (men) who experience the same situation and feel the same as the wife you described in this article. Many of times I find myself having to ask my spouse numerous times to do something over and over again as she does me. It’s not that we don’t love or respect the other person, we simply forget at times due to whatever is going on in our heads and/or day that has us not paying attention to our actions. I agree with the man on his thoughts, but I sympathize with the wife more due to what I experienced and from her state of mind.
Some scarily clueless comments….did these peeps ready the same article? Great read…
People, it’s like the spoon scene in the Matrix – there is no glass. It’s about having the ability and willingness to consider how your daily actions affect another human being and make adjustments or discuss compromises to keep both parties happy. She didn’t divorce him because of a glass, just like I didn’t divorce my husband because of the dirty socks between the couch cushions or the argument about me asking him to take the trash down to the garage when I had just had surgery and was under doctor’s orders not to exert myself/use stairs/carry stuff. Those things are just manifestations of larger, deepers problems that left unchecked, will probaby get ugly or result in a split.
Communication is magical.
Nail on the head. Thanks sending to hubby so he can understand me
Sometimes it’s just a glass on the sink that finally pushes you to make a change. Glad I did.
Interesting opinion But…………….with my wife and I, it’s opposite. She leaves the stuff laying about. Narks me a lot.
Then I saw the Men this, I that, Male this…..and every time I saw that, I switched off by probably 10% an instance.
Didn’t take long for me to bail on the article completely.
Sorry Drew. I don’t write for everyone. I write for men like me. Guys who are going to lose their wives and families if they don’t learn quickly what I learned much too late.
I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman or a wife. I will never pretend to. Only know what it’s like to be like me.
Thanks for trying to get through it. If you’d read 500 other things I’d written, maybe you’d have reacted differently.
Drew, the core message is still the same. Find a time to sit down with your wife and explain to her just how serious of an issue her actions are becoming. If you’re feeling disrespected, then tell her with all the love and compassion you can muster (honey catches more flies than vinegar afterall). It’s better than burying the issue and letting it fester. Open the conversation in a way that lets her know you’re open to her input as well (make it about “us” not “me vs you”), be ready to compromise a bit (I’m sure she has a few issues about you that narks her too), and of course, have a few pointers from reputable Google sites to help smooth over any wounded egos that bringing up flaws may create.
Good luck! Proper communication is key to a happy marriage.
Because of this damn article my girlfriend an I had a huge fight. Thanks a lot…..
Shit. Sorry Zac. And I mean that.
The problem, ironically, has nothing to do with dishes, and everything to do with our inability to speak to one another in ways that make any sense to our partner.
I hope things are cool in the morning.
Though it doesn’t sound like any fun at all… if it hit something hard enough to touch off a fight, maybe something important isn’t getting heard, by one of you? (Or both of you?) I’m guessing it’s not really the article, y’know?
Bingo. Let’s not forget about the straw that broke the camel’s back afterall. Obviously something was already rotten in the state of Denmark.
Yes. I did read the article. Maybe you should read it again. It started WITH THE GLASS….and I’ve no doubt you despair with an attitude like that.
Donna. I wrote it and would be happy to clarify. It’s not about the glass.
Sorry for the confusing headline. Thank you for reading.
Sounds like your wife wasted a lot of water. I’m sure your wallet is a lot happier.
My marriage became “fun” again when I did two things:
1) Stopped telling my husband what to do. He’s a grown man. He knows how to “adult” (run a house, change a diaper, keep kids and dogs alive) even if it isn’t up to my standards, which is perfectly fine. Because my standards aren’t our marriage’s standards
2) Communicate with him when I am mad, sad, happy, expecting something, etc. And ask he does the same. This way he doesn’t have to read my mind and I don’t have failed expectations. Vice versa.
If I hate the cup on the sink I tell him it pisses me off because _______. If he says he wants to keep the cup there to use it the rest of the day then we will work out a compromise.
Because that is what marriage is about: communication and compromise.
Not every situation can be wrapped up in a nice neat bow but I can attest to being a spouse who very much enjoys my marriage still after 12 years and 3 kids.
I enjoyed your article and took away some good points. Thank you for sharing. This will be great discussion material for us. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out for your marriage but I hope that you’ve both found happiness.
Matt, I think you clearly explained self-less love (minus the potty mouth, ha!). It’s not easy and it goes totally against our self-centered nature.
Love is a choice, the choice to put the other first, even when you don’t feel like it. I think if we all had that mindset no one would be left out – I take care of you and you take care of me = everyone’s needs/wants are met by the other person = everyone happy.
If your wife did not remarry, I think it’s not too late to ask her to “marry” you again. Love and forgiveness go a long way. Good luck!
This describes my current situation, with the exception of the glass. It is the fact my actions made my wife feel disrespected, unappreciated and unloved. She has become insecure in our relationship because of my actions. My question is, now that I realize it. How can I communicate this to my wife. She is so hurt and angry with m?
Have her read this and tell her you get, and that it may take some time, but you really will take this to heart. But she might have to give you some reminders as change doesn’t come overnight. Good luck!
Hi. If you are still in contact with her maybe you could show her this and invite a conversation about it. You could explain that you’ve started to understand her feelings and that you’re willing to demonstrate how much you care.
Obviously people communicate in different ways but I think showing her the article would show that you care at meast a little.
Good luck.
Tim,
You can show her. In the situation that you wrote about you chose leaving a dirty glass by the sink, clean the dirty glass. If she felt disrespected, unappreciated, and unloved because you didn’t fold the laundry, fold the laundry. Whatever the metaphorical equivalent is, do it. Do what she wanted you to do that proves you do love and respect her. If this just can not apply to your situation in any way, you could show her this blog. Explain that you finally understand, you are willing to change, and tried to prevent millions of men from making the same communication mistake! I hope that it works out!
I’m sitting her reading this. Stunned. You just described in the exact words why I ended my 23 plus year marriage. I did say it just like that. But all he said was it didn’t matter to him if the house was a mess and I said it mattered to me and what I should matte r to someone
I cried while reading this to my husband. It’s so accurate that i felt relieved to know i’m not alone in the desperation of being partners. As much as i love taking care of him, i also need to be taken care of. Thank you for this insight
I was just booger bawling reading this to my husband!
Hi there I just stared my blog, if you could check it out and share it if you liked it that would help me get started! Thank you.
My husband found this and asked me too read it, I’m amazed how well you captured how alot of people I don’t think just women feel. We have to be intentional in the things we do and how our actions affect our partners. Thank you for this it’s a great reminder
You are so right about all of it.
At least you have figured it out now so you can be a better partner in the future to a lucky lady.
What’s sad is most men probably won’t even click on this blog article because it doesn’t interest them and they don’t think they need to hear it. I wish you would give a speech that all men of the world must attend haha.
Unfortunately, I never ended my relationship with my husband – all of the things described in the blog happened (except in the beginning of our marriage there was no dishwasher – we’ve been married for 53 years now). I can’t really bother reading this to him at this point because he has dementia, as well as insulin diabetes, and I am his full-time caregiver. He would not even understand the article, nor would he remember that he never, ever, helped me with anything. Being a caregiver has its own set of issues – too much to go into here. I definitely feel like his mother, as well as his nurse. At times, I know that I should have left him a long time ago because I was definitely not respected. At other times, I know that if I wasn’t still in his life, he wouldn’t be alive today. It’s a difficult situation for me, but I would advise all younger people who are not happy in their relationships and who can see that things are not going to change, to get out while you can! Things are so different now for women than they were back when I was young and had two young children. Divorce was not so accepted as it is today.
Your comment choked me up a little. I guess I’m where you were fifty years ago! My husband never helps me with anything or tries to make things easier for me but never hesitates to burden me with his problems. I do everything around the house he won’t even do the typical “man jobs” like mowing or taking out trash. The not helping is depressing but the making things actually harder for me thing is driving me to the brink. Being excessively loud when he knows I’ve just put the baby down to sleep and then yelling at me like I’m such a nagging bitch if I ask him to be quiet, leaving his soda can and plate on the coffee table minutes after he watched me clear it and wipe it down, leaving dangerous things lying around where the kids can get them, accidently dropping coins all over the floor and just walking off like it’s not his problem. I’m constantly finding things in our baby’s mouth that he’s dropped on the floor and not bothered to pick up. All of my worries and chores are mine and all of his are mine too, the moment he realizes he’s missing his phone or wallet he’s hollering at me to stop whatever I’m doing and find it for him like he’s so helpless and then he’s never grateful when I find it, he insists I must have moved it and so it’s my fault if he’s missed any calls or whatever. He’s a terrible procrastinator so I’m always rescuing him and doing work for him that’s he’s put off and is too tired to do. I’ll stay up all night writing presentations for him, have a really busy day with the kids, have dinner ready for him when he walks in the door and all I get is complaints that the kids aren’t well behaved enough and I never initiate sex with him blah blah. I’ve just been trying to get along as peacefully as possible as I don’t want our children see us fight but I wonder a lot if it’s even worth it, I’m only in my twenties and I feel like a joyless shell of a person. I used to be so happy before he was a part of my life.
After reading your comment, I’m a little concerned for you. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it sounds like your husband may have some severe controlling issues and could eventually turn physically abusive…not just emotionally, mentally, and verbally. Please think about possibly seeing a counselor, or seeking a support group of some sort. I am by absolutely no means an expert, and normally I don’t post on these articles, but I couldn’t overlook your comment. I feel that if you don’t get some help in learning how to teach your husband how to help you, you’re going to have a very exhausting life, and your child will grow up thinking that type of relationship dynamic is the way it’s supposed to be. I’ll be praying for you.
Emmy, you have children with this man. DON’T stay with him for their sake. Ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want to model for them.
Is this a relationship you would want them to chose for themselves?
They see everything. They know way more than we think they do and they will chose one or both of you to model their lives after.
Think about that before deciding what to do.
It is clearly not working for you. It clearly won’t work well for them either.
If something isn’t working, do something else.
Emmy, The description of how you give, give, give in your marriage but never receive any kind of support or respect truly hurts my heart. Words such as exploitation and abuse come to mind. Please don’t continue to subject yourself and your children to that kind of treatment; that kind of treatment is not love. In my opinion, you have two choices for you and your children: 1) either seek outside counsel as a couple in an attempt to change and improve the relationship or 2) get out. You and your children should receive love and respect from your husband rather than being used. No one deserves to be treated the way you describe, and I would guess you don’t want your children seeing how you are treated then believe that’s the way a marriage should be when they’re adults.
Emmy, you know what the answer is. I stayed in a marriage just like that, for five years; it drags you down so far you think you aren’t worth climbing out. But you are. I’m 25 years further down that road now, married to a man who respects me and helps me as much as I help him. It’s night and day. Leave, before your kids think what they see is what a marriage should look like. Good luck.
That breaks my heart to read. You don’t have a partner, which is what each of us needs. I hope you find happiness in life again, and I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on before it’s too late. Hugs to you.
I would kill for a lady that does half of what you do. You should leave, and then see if he wises up. If not, you’ll be ok..you’re doing all the hard stuff already.
Wow, Emmy. Your life and relationship sound really unbalanced and unsustainable. Makes me think of the saying that, in a relationship with no fighting, someone isn’t getting their needs met. But you are holding it together for your kids, many kudos to you for managing as well as you have so far. Your husband can’t really be happy being so selfish, I would guess that he feels guilty for the way he treats you, but represses that, to try to avoid having to deal with it, but then that would always make him uncomfortable around you. Then of course it’s human nature to cast the shadow of our failings on others– it’s so painful to us to recognize things we don’t like about ourselves that we project them on others without realizing it sometimes. He has a lot of growing up to do. Some of what you describe actually sounds a lot like my husband: not even doing the typical guy chores, and leaving messes in his wake, and needing urgent help finding misplaced items! When our boys were small, he would also spill coins out of pockets and think it shouldn’t be any big deal– until our 1 year old went to the ER with a dime stuck in his esophagus– he was fine, but it could have killed him, of course. Actually I was still picking up his spilled coins after that! But he *would* let me know, periodically, in heartfelt ways, how much he appreciated everything I did, how important I was to him, and how much he loved me, and I decided that for me, that was enough. Far from ideal, but enough that I chose not to pursue the upheaval and strain (and lasting stressful impact on kids) of divorce. Although in an ideal relationship, each partner gives 100%, I estimated that he only gave 50% compared to my 100%… but that was still more help than I would get as a single mom. I would dig in my heels and fight when I felt he was crossing a line, though– and I still do. Standing up for yourself and for what’s fair can be a positive thing to model for your kids as well, even if it entails a heated argument. For instance, you need your sleep. You could consider saying, it’s not worth the impact on your health and well-being to stay up late doing his work– you need your rest! You can make your own bedtime non-negotiable (except when the kids need you/ a health emergency, etc.). Tell him in advance that the pattern has to change. That is your choice. Enough sleep deprivation can turn anyone into a joyless shell. Very best wishes and blessings to you!
I think you are in an abusive relationship and you need to talk to a religious leader or a counselor. Get some help from someone!
As much as you want it to be, if he doesn’t change, it’s not worth it. You deserve to be loved and respected. He is not loving you or your children when he lives only for himself. You need to think about what is best for you and your children, and sometimes a nuclear family isn’t the best. Just being together for the sake it of it, doesn’t help anyone. Good luck and hope you have courage to do what you need to.
Emmy, I have not experienced what you are experiencing, however a close family member of mine has lived this way for way too many years.
I can tell you that it doesn’t get better.
The more you try to “keep the peace”, the worse their behaviour becomes. Maybe because they feel as if they are getting away with it, maybe they feel it’s perfectly OK because you are “allowing” their behaviour. I don’t really know, I am just guessing.
What I do know is, it won’t get better by trying to keep the peace and ignoring the negative, hurtful behaviour.. You have the power to do something. You can try counselling – if your husband would try counselling, it could be beneficial.
Or if he is not open to change the way he treats you, you have the power and the right to leave. You do not need to be miserable any longer.
I wish you all the best and I hope that you can find your happiness again xx
I’m so sorry, and I just wanted to say that — you shouldn’t have to live that way. No one should. And I wish you all the best, whatever that is.
Honey, you have three choices…. 1. Stay and be miserable, overworked, and under-appreciated, 2. Go to marriage counseling and continue to be miserable, overworked and under-appreciated, or 3. Get the hell out while you are still young and find someone who will treat you as an important equal and respect you enough to be your partner, not another child for you to take care of. If it were me, I would go with #3. Good luck to you. You so clearly need it.
I can relate so much to you in your situation. I left my husband over a year ago despite having four kids (8, 7, 4, 1) and having been a stay at home mom for several years. Luckily, my family was there for me to help me get started. I feel so happy now, even 17 months later I still sometimes feel more layers of myself and the freedom to me return and it feels really good. It’s hard living in an abusive relationship when it isn’t physically abusive because it’s hard to realize that’s what it is. I spent years and years trying, thinking all I can do is change me and pray for God to change me that maybe if I could be better it could change our dynamic but he was like a bottomless well and the more I gave, the more he demanded and was increasingly less satisfied. What helped me to realize what was going on the most was reading, “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. I will also mention that one of my big motivating factors was my kids, staying with him was hurting them. I felt like my son was being trained to become an abuser as he had started mimicing some of the behavior his father displaying towards me and I was teaching my girls to accept this way of being minimized, disrespected, etc. I’m not saying you should leave, you’ll have to decide what’s right for you but I would suggest reading that book and really think about what you can do to instigate real change. Good luck.
Your husband sounds like he’s emotionally abusive
Your comment is so heartbreaking Emmy. That’s not at all how it’s supposed to be, or how it has to be. You deserve so much better. :'(
Wow. It sounds like you are his mother not his wife. It also kind of sounds like an abusive relationship (doesn’t have to be physical to be considered abuse). He’s not even caring about the health and safety of your children when he’s dropping things on the floor. Unless things change, I don’t think it’s healthy or safe for you to stay there. You could try talking to him about your concerns (not right after he gets home from work or when he’s irritated so he won’t think you’re “bitching”) and see how he responds. If things don’t improve, I would take the kids and stay at your parents (aunts, friends etc) and maybe he will realize everything you do for him and he can start to appreciate you. You’re too young to be burdened with an empty marriage. It’s important for kids to have a stable life but getting out of a bad situation might be better than the alternative. I hope everything works out.
From someone who recently divorced after 36yrs:
GET OUT NOW! He doesn’t have one iota of respect for you, and never will. It’s all about him! I believe that’s what is called a narcissist. If there’s no respect, there’s no love. Stop wasting your time on someone who only cares about himself, and something that’s empty & dead. It will never work if only one person is investing in the relationship. Eventually, you’ll find yourself on empty. You’re emotionally stranded & alone now. Yes, it’ll be hard, especially with two kids, but many have done it before you, and you’ll dig deep, and find strength you didn’t know was there. You can do it. You ARE doing it! Face your fears head on. It may be rough for a while, but you’ll be glad you did.
This sounds awful. I hope you can find couple’s counselling, or if he won’t go, find a counsellor yourself to help you decide what to do.
Leave while you are young! He will not change. Unless there are some other great qualities he has which you didn’t mentioned.
The question is…how did you not notice these things before you got married and had kids?
Emma, you should leave him. He has no appreciation for you and is not a male role model for his children. You are a selfless persin and deserve to be happy too.
All the best in life.
Sorry about that I understand you 100% Do u believe in God? And pray? I will sure pray for you and Ur family. I’m going to similar situation and it is very difficult because we are young and want to feel loved.
He’s resentful that you have your shit together and can handle so much. He’s an immature, insecure little man and it won’t change. Instead of being happy he has a wonderful prize for a wife, he will tear you down and belittle you. Start making a plan to leave, you deserve someone who is worthy of you. Hugs.
Get out!!! Things will only get worse, not better, with this sort of entitled idiot. I left a man with a similar attitude (thankfully we didn’t have kids) 20 years ago and have never regretted it. And the worst was that Mr. Idiot went about whining “I never thought that you would leave me” despite my telling him many times (prior to my leaving) that I was not willing to stay with someone who was so disrespectful to me. 🙁
Get out of this marriage sooner rather than later! There is no amount of intervention that will shape your boy into a man. There is still plenty of time for you to become a happy, successful woman again… And if you so choose, to find a loving responsible man to come home to. I wish you all the best, girl.
I was so sad to read your comment. I have to say, it’s not that your husband doesn’t respect you. He is actively, intentionally DISrespecting you. There’s something deeper going on with him that he feels the need to constantly walk all over you and the kids. I suspect he’s overwhelmed with insecurity and anger. I can’t tell you what to do, but if I were you, I’d get out. If anything, it will keep the kids safe and force a different kind of conversation. Where that leads, anybody knows. If you do end up divorced, it will be hard as he’ll be angry. But you need to make sure your kids don’t grow up just like him or marry someone just like him, and you deserve much better.
Thank you for posting your story. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I hope and pray that you have a second chance at a real love. On the flip side, I left my ex-husband for this sort of behavior and I often second guess myself. People still judge, even in 2016. Best of luck to us both.
You are a saint. God has a special place for you. True, if you had divorced you became a “marked” woman.
Exactly. Every time. All the time. I spend so much time thinking “about the glass” and why it makes me mad. “Why do we keep having this conversation?” he says. Because I ask, I plead, I use sarcasm, I use please and thank you and still nothing. Tonight the argument was over sweeping. “I swept.” Clearly there was stuff on the floor. “I just don’t sweep like you do.” I am frustrated all the time. There is never time to help me. But I manage it all, all the time, everyday. Thank you for understanding.
This made me cry…because you are right.
Here’s how I would interpret the situation you describe: Since you couldn’t be bothered to put the glass away, when the dishwasher was only about a foot away from where you were standing, then you were saying that this was a menial task that was beneath your dignity to do, but NOT beneath your wife’s dignity. Ditto for leaving clothes on the floor. You say that such things didn’t matter to you, but I’ll bet that if your wife simply had let your pile of dirty clothes build up on the floor for weeks and weeks, and if she had let the dishes pile up on the counter, you would have begun to realize why these “petty” things mattered. Hers was not an emotional position. It was completely logical. Actions, or in your case, non-actions, spoke louder than words. You were saying that your time was more valuable than hers. This was an insult. She wanted to be valued as your wife, not your maid. This has nothing to do with men thinking differently from women, nor does it have anything to do with women being “mysterious” or “emotional” creatures. Some men are perfectly capable of seeing what’s obvious. Luckily, I’m married to one of them. If a dish is dirty, he puts it into the sink. (We don’t have a dishwasher). If his pants are dirty, he puts them into the hamper. I don’t have to tell him and he doesn’t have to read my mind, because the whole thing is so obvious.
You assume he dosn’t do the dishes later in the day or at night and he is expecting his wife to do the chore. What if he is the one who normally does the dishes? What is “obvious” to you may not be obvious to others, maybe he was told to leave glasses out as a child so they didn’t waste electricity and water and it’s obviously a waste to him to get a new glass every time he wants to get a drink of water. There are two sides to every situation and arguments happen when one or both parties are to stubborn to lay down their pride and look at it from another persons point of view.
Assumptions indeed run rampant on this thead, and no one seems to want to broach the real issue: true actual forgiveness.
When Christ told Peter to forgive 70 x 7 times, he wasn’t saying that he ought to keep track and keep forgiving until the 490th time, and then….WHAM!
What he was saying is that we are to ALWAYS forgive – TRULY forgive one another. Each time a wrong is committed against us, we are to treat it as if it is the first time (even in things that are reoccuring!), as a NEW error, amd then to forgive it and forget it.
This is what is meant in 1Corinthians 13 when it says that love keeps no record of wrongs.
Bu in our conceit, in our arrogance, in our endless narcissim…we spend our lives and lay waste to our marriages in trying to get what we think we deserve from one another, rather than carrying a proper spirit that says love is caring FOR another over yourself in all things in all ways at all times.
Exactly my view on this
Thank you. Yes. I had a friend that argued her roommates were lazy for not refilling the ice tray after every single use. I could not convince her that they may not, in fact, be lazy, but operating under different standards. Like mine. I get pissed if I go to take out an ice cube, and there are some in the tray not frozen and I end up spilling them. Neither of us is “right” – we’re just operating with different standards.
Secondly, this whole article is so sexist. Men invent the cool things and solve the world’s problems and cure cancer, and women just want them to clean up a little, too. Because every woman values a clean house more than anything and every man avoids housework like the plague. Ugh.How about every single relationship is different, and partners need different things from each other? Find out what those things are, and if you value your relationship and want it to continue, do those things. Hey, look – I got across the same sentiment as this article without resorting to antiquated, sexist stereotypes.
total horseshit. completely abject and horrible. I understand your need to make sense of this, to gain perspective, to heal. but you are as wrong as ISIS. so is she. wake up and deal with it.
Wrong as ISIS!
Good grief.
Must we compare mass murder with attempts to help others rethink why their marriages are failing at a 50+% clip?
I’m just going to come out and say it: My explanation, objectively speaking, and echoed by 600+ people, seems slightly more credible than what you just typed.
You’re life will get so much more awesome if you allow yourself to question your own beliefs as easily as you can dismiss others’.
You’ll feel a lot better not trying to carry the burden of being “right” all the time.
It’s okay to not know everything.
I totally agree with you…her throwing the fit over the glass left by the sink when there is no one else there, is NO BIG DEAL….seems to me she just wants to fight and complain about something..that’s crazy…love the guy for who he is just like you loved him for who he is when you first fell in love with him. He is not gonna do everything “right” but then neither are you..count your blessings that he is not out running around with other women.. which would sure give you something to complain about..
ok, yeah. that was a bit much. sorry.
You are obviously inexperienced in these matters. And perhaps lucky too.
This is precisely one of the things Mark Gungor explains in his video series “Laugh your way to a better marriage”.
Check youtube for “A tale of two brains” – look for the long version. It’s all about this.
Right… I’m going back to my nothing box now.
no, this is horseshit. she is pathological for ruining your life over something this petty. if she really felt this way, something along the lines of “put your glass in the dishwasher or I’m divorcing you” would have done nicely. this is completely out of order and you need to wake up to the fact. I know you have a need to heal, learn, put things in perspective, etc. but you have been wronged, and yes, I’m angry. for you, and, yes, at you. ok. I’m done.
Wow. You’re totally going to attract those girls. Have some understanding for people unlike yourself.
I have to agree here. If things like this are what bothered her in life, she had it pretty good. It only takes 1 second to turn off a light when you leave a room. If all men were like this woman, 95% of marriages would fail. She sounds like a miserable person in general, and you should probably be saying good riddance!
You’re so cute when you try to explain yourself, tristan!
It clearly wasn’t just the dishes. I mean really….you can’t actually think it was just the dishes. The dishes are being used as ONE example. But in all honesty, how many times does one have to ask someone to do something and continue to be ignored before they lose their shit? It does show a lack of respect, no matter what you think about it. It’s a simple, mundane, two second task, and if you’re asked nicely, why can’t you just do it? To be clear, I’m in no way pointing my fingers at the author or think he’s a terrible person. But what is the problem with someone looking back at their own personal experience and saying “shit, yeah I messed up.” It’s not about the dish. It’s NEVER about the dish.
Wow… thank you.
At the same time, what would be the response to someone who is told once and does it out of respect and/or love. In my many relationships I’ve always taken note of things my partner did not appreciate and made efforts to change them and usually pretty successful at changing them. However, these did not get appreciated as well which is why it didn’t work. The point I’m trying to make is that there seems to need to be a sense that it is an effort, no effort means no love to some people, however this seems to last longer in my observations of people who are in long lasting relationships yet constantly argue about the same nonsensical things. People like myself who right away try to do what makes our partners happy usually go unnoticed, likely because it does not seem like much work was put into it and maybe we are not much of a fighter. Women don’t want a whipping boy but they also want someone who will make changes to their behavior, something to keep in mind for those of you like me who just want to do what we think is best for our partners and get the short end because we seem weak. We are not weak, but we need to both show that we can stand our ground and also that we can change. How do you do that? Don’t put the glass in the wash if you don’t feel like it, if she brings it up more than once, do it the next time but don’t do it because you have to or because she wants you to, do it because its something that she cares about and you care about her. That is a difficult shift to make, for some of us, but you gotta let he/she know that you don’t care about something before they will appreciate it when you do it for them. Also avoid doing things like that before intimacy has occurred, it will seem like you only cared about one thing if you change that behavior after. You should become closer after intimacy and be more willing to make behavior changes to show your affection.
I can relate to the author very well. Here is the rub though, yes the husband should, out of love and the respect he does have Does have for his wife, put the glass in the dishwasher; however there should also be a look and discussion as to what is the root of the wife’s need to feel respected in something as meaningless as putting a glass in the dishwasher. Because if the root of the insecurities are not dealt with the issue will come up again in another form…. Maybe as to the orientation the silverware should be put in to the dishwasher, or not closing the shower curtain all the way after your done showering or you name it. Otherwise she will be taking her hurt and pain out on her husband who may not have caused the insecurity in the first place. This goes both ways, I’m just continuing simply with the authors specific example.
If the glass thing was literally the only thing he ever did that demonstrated laziness and lack of willingness to make life easier for her then I’d agree but it was probably only one example… the one she got fixated on. For my part one thing that really gets under my skin is my husband leaving his shoes and jeans in the middle of the floor. He just drops his pants, slips off his shoes wherever he is and walks off (usually onto the couch to watch TV for the next six hours). Now if that was just the one and only inconsiderate thing he ever did then whatever it wouldn’t really matter but to me it’s like a microcosm of his whole attitude to me and our home. He doesn’t help me with anything ever, he just adds things to my to do list. He knows it drives me crazy when I’m struggling to keep the house tidy as it is with our three kids and two dogs, and he just goes and makes our home look even more chaotic and makes more work for me. Pants and shoes belong upstairs in the closet/shoerack but he has never (not once!) put them there himself, I always have to pick them up off the floor in the family room or kitchen and put them in the closet for him. He doesn’t ever put anything where it should go, he just expects me to do it and yes “in the grand scheme of things” as people say it’s not that important but when you’re already struggling to keep order and your spouse, the one person you should be able to count on to have your back, is adding more and more to the disorder and just generally doesn’t give a crap it can really get you down and make you lose a little perspective. It’s ridiculous that today I picked up his shoes from by the sofa and transported them ten feet away to the shoe rack for the thousandth time, he is an adult and is capable of doing it himself but chooses not to because he doesn’t care about me. That simple act of putting his own shoes and pants away is too much trouble. That’s the message I get. It feels like a big FU, tbh.
Stop doing it for him! He’ll NEVER change, or even care, until it becomes his problem. When he doesn’t have clean clothes, It will be HIS problem. When he trips over his shoes, it will be HIS problem. Right now it’s YOUR problem.
I’m not instigating a fight. I feel for you in your annoyance at your husband, but what you have left out of this message is, have you ever told your husband how annoying these things are to you? Or do you just simply do the things (like moving the shoes, the pants etc.) and remain angry about doing so. I am certainly not giving any credit to your husband, but there are humans who unconsciously do things without thinking about the bigger picture. Sure, your husband SHOULD know that leaving his pants in the middle of the floor is annoying, but maybe he just doesn’t realize. I find myself often leaving things places, not consiously thinking to myself ” hey this is REALLY going to annoy the person who has to pick it up”– Its just a behavior that I have done without regard. We can all fixate on the little things in life that people do that annoy the shit out of us, or we can just pick up the pants and the glass and move on.
I am not married but I do have a twin sister. Every time I leave a dish in the sink or something she makes sure to IMMEDIATELY let me know how I have offended her and how annoying it is to clean up after me. But do you know what? When I find her dishes in the sink, my decision to simply put the dish in the dishwasher and not say a word is my coping mechanism. We all have different reactions to things. It takes a lot of patience to just take a breath and let.it.go.
We are all so mean to each other.
Thank you for an authentic and thoughtful post. I imagine this was a difficult realization and hard to share. I suggest reading posts by researcher/author Shaunti Feldhahn. With research to prove it, she discusses (in lay man’s terms) how the majority of women feel as your wife felt and the majority of men think as you thought. Of course there are exceptions on both sides of the gender fence, but generally speaking, we all want to be shown we’re valued in ways we value. As you said, understanding isn’t always necessary, but I think serving in love is always necessary in marriage.
the point you make about wanting a partner, not a child, is essential. this is why gendered expectations in hetero marriages are such a problem, and it cuts both ways. many women assume, despite themselves sometimes, that being a “good wife” means managing all the messy little details of your husband’s life that he doesn’t feel he should have to manage himself; it’s male entitlement colliding with women’s tendency to assume a “managerial” role in the home, and it’s a recipe for disaster. being a partner means not tacitly agreeing to manage all the mess in another adult’s life, and also not assuming that you have the right (conferred by penis) to such casual, everyday maintenance. putting the glass in the dishwasher without being asked to is an indication that you get this. i’m glad to hear that you did get this eventually– though as you clearly recognize, at quite the price.
My husband and I have been married nearly 30 years. We both do household chores very differently! He was drilled to do things a certain way by a domineering father. I was allowed to adopt my own style of chores by parents of 6 children who understood we weren’t carbon copies. Yes, my husband leaves a glass by the sink,his shoes sitting opposite to the straight arrangement of the others and his towel crooked after every use. And yes,these things bother me but it’s my neurosis that’s affected not his. I either straighten,put away or ignore. He was mentally beat up enough by his parents …I can and do accept these silly traits even though they can bug me. I don’t consider it disrespectful to me. I’m not his mother. I’m his partner for better or worse.
Wow! Thank you for getting it, I feel absolutely validated.
Very self centered woman I am reading about in this article. Did she take the the time or effort to notice all the ways her husband did show love, respect and appreciation? Did she focus on all the small things he did for her? Or did she only see a dirty glass in the sink and take it personally?
People show love and appreciation in many different ways and one of the things that makes relationships work is the ability to see it from the other’s perspective and appreciate their effort, even if they don’t exactly do things how you want them to. It’s also important to not take things personally and realize that many times people’s actions have nothing to do with you at all.
What you wrote perfectly describes how I feel about everyone’s little messes left all over the kitchen and adjacent family room, only it’s not done by my husband but teenage and college age boys. It infuriates me that I have to tell them to clean up their own mess and then they take offense because I said something about it. I’ve always thought to myself that I feel sorry for their future wives. I think I will share this article with them.d
I doubt it will help at all. If you feel this way it’s going to be difficult for you to understand how completely and utterly ridiculous it sounds to equate one object out of place with feeling like you aren’t appreciated, or loved, or can’t trust, or count on, or feel safe with someone. Making something so small and insignificant into such a huge issue by relating it to these powerful feelings sounds 100% batshit insane because the importance of one is not remotely on par with the importance of the other. One of the things about the way guys tend to interact with others is that we are we are taught through our education from the very beginning that if an opinion is factually wrong or makes no logical sense then it doesn’t matter and should be ignored. Most of us equate feelings with opinions as nebulous, mutable things that are in contrast to facts, so if someone says that they feel a certain way, and their feeling that way makes no sense whatsoever, we will assume that it either isn’t as important as it is being made out to be, or it isn’t real at all and the person talking about it is trying to emotionally blackmail us. That’s why some men will get angry when others ‘make mountains out of molehills’. They believe the other person is wrong to feel the way that they say they do, and therefore they are only saying it to hurt them or make them do what they want. This is also why you get arguments from some men telling you how you should feel, by the way. They are in most cases trying to show you that how you feel isn’t (in their eyes) appropriate to the issue in the hopes that you will realize that and so it will no longer bother you. In most cases it’s not necessarily to do with being inconsiderate or trying to get you off their back so much as it is a well intentioned, if misguided attempt to help you live a happier and more emotionally balanced life. That’s going to sound incredibly condescending, I do realize that, but it is how a lot of men, particularly those who have been raised to be ‘problem solvers’, ‘providers’ or ‘knights in shining armor’ think because the patriarchy tells us we are supposed to be the logical ones who take care of the women in our lives and that if they are in any kind of distress, it’s our duty to fix it.
TL:DR Your family doesn’t care about the little messes, so they can’t understand why you care about it. You care about it because you equate it to their love and respect, but even if you tell them that’s why you care about it, they’ll still not be able to make themselves care enough to change their behavior not because they don’t care about you, but because they’ll either think that you are wrong to feel that way and therefore you should be the one to change, or they just won’t believe you.
@Lancer: Then aren’t they the problem? Everybody’s feelings matter (nebulous as they may seem to you). No one has the right to marginalize them just because they don’t agree. I’d bet a million dollars you don’t feel that way about YOUR feelings. No, why would you? You only care about things that actually matter, right? Yeah. To you. This whole “Oh well then, little lady, y’all are just gonna hafta let ‘er go now, cuz us mens don’t cotton to that-air emotionalizin’ and what-not” bullshit is just that: bullshit. Certainly, men and women think differently. Certainly, men and women process things differently. But we can also learn and change and grow. Your basic premise here is, “Men will not listen to you because we are logical and have been trained to ignore hysterical females going on and on about their feelings.” You’re kidding, right? There are guys all over the world who prove this isn’t true every day.
People with exactly your mindset (which is ridiculously narcissistic, by the way) are largely responsible for the problem the author is talking about. Aren’t you reading the hundreds of other comments here? This is a problem, and it isn’t about petty, snarky, high-maintenance and over-emotional women. It’s about people – mostly women but not all – who just want a little human consideration. They just want to feel heard and respected by the families they love and care for in their own homes. Why does it have to be some big argument? You say it isn’t about being inconsiderate, but it is. If it wasn’t, let Wifey or Mr. Mom go without doing those things for a while and see how fast people complain: “Where’s dinner? I have no clean clothes. I can’t find my shoes. This house is a mess.”
I don’t get it. Is it really SO HARD to just to show a little respect and consideration for someone you say you love? Is it really SO beneath this many people to just do that? What is wrong with anybody anymore? I hate to tell everybody this, but you don’t get to dictate how other people receive or feel love. It’s up to you to show it the way they can see it if you love them, or to at least try. The fact that people are just not even willing to try says so much about the state people are in these days.
My marriage is over just because of this. Literally everything that you said in this is what actually happened to me. I cried so much reading this.
Very well-said, and right on the mark!
I also think that the glass thing is petty, but it’s not really about the glass.
I agree with everything.
So Matt. When you are finished beating yourself up, you might want to consider that marriage is a partnership. Learn from your mistakes, consider hers, then move on. Perhaps you’ll meet someone who is also into leaving glasses on the sink?
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anyone ever think that perhaps *she’s* got a problem is leaving a glass somewhere majorly hurts and wounds her? What if she decides that him eating with his right hand instead of his left hurts and wounds her? I find this whole thing just funny and very demanding on the man, but very patronizing to the woman, since it assumes that she just can’t help but feel hurt. She lost too, in fact, in this society women lose a lot more with divorce as they usually end up in poverty. Let’s stop patronizing women and treating them like little children. Grow up and deal with your inner issues. Nobody *makes* you feel anything, you’ve got to learn how to control yourself and deal with yourself. That’s for both men and woman. Man! this nonsense that the culture throws at your every day just gets to you after awhile.
The women end up in poverty? What a joke. I’m the one paying 3/4 of the bills. I’ve earned the respect.
Bless this post honestly. I just ended a serious relationship with someone I’ve liked for a very, very long time and I didn’t know why. I was scared of facing the truth and used putting my career and college ahead of me first (which is still true) but I also realize now that just plain and simple, I don’t want to be his mom.
Sounds like a win-win situation to me. He will find someone willing to be his mom eventually. It takes all kinds.
So men need to give in and just do what we are told? Just be good little husbands! Where will it end? Keep bending over backwards to her every demand and she will leave you for someone that is more of a man. Start treating your wife the way she treats you and see what happens. Women dont want a two way street they want it their way or the highway. This is what feminism did to our women and to men. Men are now taught to please women and when you do this women will complain that he is too nice. I was once told by an Australian all your women problems are because you married a white women. He married an indonesian. Just dont marry a white American women. American women are privlidged and ungreatful. They are arrogant. The good looking ones think they are special because of their looks.
Or just clean up after yourself and don’t be a dick. A wife is not a slave, she is a an equal partner.
I didn’t read all the comments, though many were thought provoking.
The fact that you recognize how small behaviors represent huge concepts is wonderful and refreshing. My husband and I have been married over 13 years and we have 5 kiddos so far. The first year of marriage, I would nag the everliving crap out of him for leaving his dirty socks wherever he happened to sit down to take them off. I’m certain we argued relentlessly over it.
Somewhere along the line, he stopped leaving his socks in weird places. Let’s be honest, though – I also stopped nagging the crap out of him.
We have been through a LOT together. There have been many difficult times, times where we would look at each other and I would ask, “are we really going to make it through this?” He was always really reassuring.
I guess I’m commenting for two reasons. First, to thank you for your vulnerability. Second, though, to give a little encouragement.
Yes, it’s about the cup and the respect and the communication, but it’s even more. It’s being willing, at the end of the day, for both people to say that the vows are more important than the argument.
Sometimes I walk on him and sometimes he walks on me. Sometimes we walk on each other. But, thank God, we lift each other more than we step on each other.
I admit, sometimes it’s really hard to just not be a jerk. Humans are hard to live with. I’m really glad my husband is willing to look past all that stuff and not give up on me, and I on him.
It’s possible, though. That’s the encouragement I want to give. It really, really is possible to marry another human and stay together. I think your insight into your weaknesses of behavior will help you see it through, should the future lead you that way.
Couldn’t agree more. Its the caring about something bc it matters to her. If everyone did that the world would be a better place and I’m sure there would be less divorces.
This is great. As part of maturing together in a marriage, if a man could understand these things about a woman, and a woman could learn to understand that these type of actions by men aren’t directed towards her.. He really doesn’t care about the glass… then when he does put the glass in the dishwasher she will know he’s not doing it because he cares about it, he’s doing it because he cares about her, all the stars would align.
She was looking for a reason to leave. Its as simple as that. The glass by the sink is a metaphor for just how disposable relationships have become. He was a good guy but because he left a glass by the sink the situation was less than optimal. I’m sure there were things she did that he overlooked (probably none as awful as leaving a glass by the sink) everyday. The idea that his inability to do this thing transfered over to resentment and a feeling of being unloved and disrespected is…ridiculous and a clear sign that she was looking for a reason to leave.
This post bugs me purely on the basis of hypocrisy. Women do things all the time that bother their partners, and then refuse to do things differently, but if they got dumped over that, it’s because the man was an insensitive pig. I don’t like you hanging out with your guy friend that obviously has a crush on you: “That’s unfair and you know it! We’ve been friends for a long time, and I’m not gonna stop being his friend because you’re jealous!”, I don’t wanna watch another girly movie with you right now: “Why can’t you just enjoy watching a movie with me? You should know that I like it, I don’t wanna watch your stupid action movies.”, babe could you stop leaving your makeup all over the bathroom sink, it’s getting cluttered: “Well I use it every day, so why would I put it up when I’m just gonna have to take it back out again tomorrow?” Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? Do you see how easy that could be turned around? Yet if a man complained about this stuff to the point of divorce, he would be ridiculed and slandered. The real solution isn’t to be your wife’s whipping boy because it makes her feel special. The solution is for your relationship to be equal parts give and pull for both parties. It irritates me seeing men AND women feeling entitled to unconditional devotion and subordination from their, apparently insignificant, other. If you have a problem, and that problem is minuscule at the very most, DEAL WITH IT! Your partner isn’t your slave or servant, no relationship is perfect, nobody has psychic abilities, and if you expect him to work on him, or her to work on her, than you better be ready to work on yourself too. If you want him to put up a glass, and he doesn’t think it’s fair, ask him why. When he tells you that he lets something that bothers him about you slide all the time, offer to work on it, if he’ll work on putting his damn glass up, it’s that simple people! Respect. equal, understanding, rational respect for EACH OTHER.
I think you just put into words why so many relationships fail. I never realized that this was the reason for my past failed relationships until I met my husband. He is so completely different than anyone I had ever been with, he seems to innately get ‘it’. Posts like these are a great wake up call to those of us who tend to be a little more self-centered in our relationships. Thank you.
Bravo!!!
The glass is a metaphor for what exactly? The albatros around your neck? I can only go by what you wrote, but both feelings are equally valid, so why does hers take precendent?
The real problem is society has been slowly brainwashing the sexes to be enemies of each other. Men and women are different, and no modern social experiment is going to change that. You shouldn’t have to read “men have a penis and women have a vagina” to figure this out. Both sexes have scumballs in their ranks, but you’d never guess that from the blanket statements made here.
This society will collapse soon (without a strong culture and without strong families) and nature will put it right again. When this happens men will be busy protecting their families (the few who still have them) and property from those who wish to take it. We’ll start over, but that won’t be fun at all. Picking up a dish or hanging up a coat will be the least of women’s worries then.
Ah, First World problems.
This article (while is a deep introspective rooted in the current unhappy circumstance) does ring true…it is the reason I buy my girl a $800 Louis Vuitton wallet even though I think it is total crap….it was important to her so I did it. It is why I wash the dishes by hand, instead of using the perfectly functioning dishwasher. It’s why I take my shoes off outside the door….none of those things mean a hill of beans to me except it matters to HER. And in my 20’s I probably wouldn’t have made the connection.
So basically a man doesn’t love or care about his wife unless he does everything she wants him to do, and he has to figure out that everything on his own. And if he doesn’t then it’s reasonable that a woman would divorce her husband over this? And its men who are the big children??
If he always did it and expected her to clean that’s one thing but if he does it from habit or has a good reason then I don’t see a big issue other then her getting mad everytime. If he knows it really bothers her he should try and make a difference but if he doesn’t do it 100% of the time she shouldn’t get ready for a divorce. I do things my wife doesn’t like and have learned what those things are and try my best not to do them but some things are ate hard habit to break from doing it all the time growing up. On the other hand she does thing that make no sense to me and i try to explain to her why I do it differently but if she still thinks her way is better and doesn’t get mad I’m different then that’s fine with me. In the end you can’t let the little things bother you and communication and understanding makes all the difference.
I’m currently contemplating a divorce from my husband for the same reasons. I’ve tried multiple times to explain to him exactly what this article says… But he doesn’t care. The straw that broke the camels back was when he left for Tennessee without me, after I’ve begged for months to go on a trip. I cried and cried the entire time he was gone. It makes me so angry… My husband feels as though he is entitled to a better life than me. I work 2 jobs, go to school and do the housework so he can have the best life possible, because I love him and his happiness is my happiness. All I ask is the smallest bit of appreciation and understanding that I want him to do things for me… Because he loves me… And my happiness is his happiness, but instead he just takes and takes and is never happy with what he’s given until I can’t give anymore, and then he still takes more. I sent him this article and told him this is how I feel. I doubt he will read it but I appreciate you writing it nonetheless.
I love this article. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a fight with a male partner and I’ve had to say “don’t you get that this isn’t about this one specific inconsequential thing? It’s about you not caring enough about me to even care where I’m coming from.” Brava!
I liked this article. But to be honest I was a little surprised by the negativity in the comments. I’m sure “the glass” is something that could be interpreted in many different ways. Let’s be honest, we all have those pet peeves, some of us it drives more crazy than others, hair left on the soap/razor in the shower? A glass left next to the sink? A pile of clothes left NEXT to the laundry basket instead of in it? It’s all annoying. Maybe not divorce worthy in my opinion, but annoying. For example, my husband whom I love very much does all of these things, but worst of all he has a bad habit of getting a new glass every time he gets a different drink. So throughout the day, there are dozens of glasses all around the house that I’m usually the one left to pick up. Yes, it drives me crazy, and I have told him countless times to just use one glass, rinse it out, and get another drink in the same glass. But, no such luck, for eight years I have picked up his glasses, washed them and put them away. Want to know why? Because I leave my makeup/hair products on the bathroom sink in the morning after I get ready, they have a place in the basket under the sink, but I get in a hurry and I forget. Want to know what else? I start a load of laundry in the washing machine, and forget about it. Sometimes it can sit there all day, and then they have to be rewashed because I’ve forgotten. I also hate folding laundry and will live out of a basket of clean wrinkled clothes because I can’t be bothered to take 10 minutes to fold them. Yes, my husband has asked me dozens of times to stop these things, but you know what? I can’t. I don’t know why, but nearly every day all these things still happen. Yet were still together because we accept each others faults. I wash his glasses, and put his laundry in the dirty clothes basket, and he puts my makeup/hair stuff away for me, and switches the laundry to the dryer when I forget. Marriage is a partnership, its a team. So I won’t say that my husband “disrespects me” because he won’t use one glass, because I’m not perfect either, we each do things that drive each other crazy but we know they’re not things to harbor resentment towards each other about. They’re small things that we do for one another because we love each other, and yes, we remind our partner to “never do that again” because in the moment, yes, its annoying as hell and I want nothing more than to glue that glass to his hand so he had to use just one, and I’m sure every time he sees the laundry still in the washing machine he mutters under his breath for the millionth time how annoying that is. Yet, we make it work, we help each other, we love each other, and strangely enough, sometimes love is cleaning up each others messes.
You my spineless friend are way off base. Here are a few points to consider;
1. If she feels the need to say something about the glass everytime it happens maybe she should remember all the times she corrected him for not putting it at the exact spot in the dw that she would have.
2. It takes far less energy for her to just put it in the dw where she wants it vs calling him out on it everytime he let’s it sit.
3. She could care less how many times he may have did the dishes by hand only to have it pointed out to him that in a sarcastic way, “you missed a spot or the silverware has spots on them.
4. She for gets how many times he asked her if he could help with something only to get the reply that it’s quicker for her to do it herself then to have to redo it.
5. And another example is when he starts her car on a cold morning to warm it for her and the only thing she sees is that the heat controls were moved from where she had them set.
My spineless wonder of a man. The point I am attempting to make is no matter what he does for her it will not be good enough because she is OCD…
LIVED WITH ONE FOR THIRTY PLUS YEARS AND IT’S BEEN A CHALLENGE EVERY DAY. I have a friend that is 89 and his wife is 95. She is OCD to the max. He said it got worse as she got older. I asked him how did he ever put up wit it this long. He laughed and said “I just keep my mouth shut when shrubs says something cause if I say something it only makes it worse!!!
END OF STORY… END OF LIFE…lol
This is true too!
I do understand what you are saying and how your small failure hurt in a big way. You are recognizing your part and taking responsibility for your actions. I’d also like to point out that love means keeping no record of wrongs. There is another choice. You choose to overlook the flaws of a person because your relationship means more than winning a dish battle. Sooner or later, you decide that for the sake of the marriage, you are going to let the glass go. It doesnt mean denying your self respect, but it does require selflessness. There is a lifetime of joy to be had together and dishes will always be there. There is room for imperfection because as I choose to overlook my husband’s flaws, he is overlooking mine. My sink and counter are covered in dishes right now, but we both decided to spend his only day off enjoying each other. Love is a choice, sometimes you have to love someone even when they leave their dishes out. Again, had you been fully invested into your marriage, maybe you would have been more diligent, but had she been fully invested, maybe she would have switched to Dixie cups? I don’t know, I’m glad you are gaining perspective and learning , that is huge. I’ve been married awhile now, and I remember those angry, tear-filled arguments about silly things that meant much deeper things at the time. Communication is hard. And marriage is the hardest, but so worth the work to make it a good one!
Why can’t she see it as an opportunity to prove to her husband that she appreciates his efforts and sacrifices by just shutting the F**K up and putting the glass away!?
Not lmpressed! If the dish or glass wasn’t cleaned and put beside the dishwasher in the sink, it would have created more work for the wife because it’s sitting dirty and somewhere in the house. As a husband, I pick up anyones dish in the house and put them in the sink. That includes my glass, her glass, or anyone of our three kids. Not to mention, opening the dishwasher may wake up one of the kids, so putting it in the sink saved time for her and doesn’t wake up anyone. Boom!!
Tavin
I loooooove what you had to say!!!! It was wonderful to hear how hurtful such a small act can be… and when my husband can’t put a glass away for me, it doesn’t make me feel safe that he will take care of the other responsibilities that he needs to for our family.
Because he can’t put the glass away means he can’t take care of the other responsibilities. How do u make that leap? That like saying because a kid doesn’t like green beans he’s going to die if a heart attack cause he won’t be able to eat healthy. What situations have you faced in your life that leads you to believe such a lie?
This reminds me of my parents who are still married, but my mother is not happy with my father. When my mom was offered an amazing job in India, my dad insisted that she couldn’t leave him behind. He said let’s get married. He promised he’ll take good care of her. Just don’t go.
My mom finally agreed and married him in the States and got a cheap job. But some time after this event, my dad said that he accepted a job offer in Japan and he will be gone for a long time.. several years. Naturally my mom was not happy, explaining that she sacrificed her job to be with him, but now he’s leaving her? He explained that he was doing this FOR HER; he was going to an unfamiliar place on his own to make money for them, why was she complaining?
My mom said that she didn’t want to be married with him anymore if he was just going to leave her behind like that, which convinced my dad to stay. But even to this day my dad doesn’t understand why my mom is angry at him about that. And his attitude continues to anger her.
Ultimately a marriage breaks down for many reasons, it takes two to make or break one. When trust and respect are gone and you find your husband has fallen in love with someone else, male or female makes no matter. When your first fight after 2 years of marriage makes him go out and get drunk and come back with an empty condom box in his pocket. When confronted says it is for your protection, this is when you know there is a problem in the marriage and after 7 more years of his lack of support lack of empathy for your feelings. It made me realize that I was slowly dying inside. I just want you too know it does not matter if the glass was in the sink or not. It matters if you love your partner and have open communication before you marry about what your requirements of each are. Unspoken expectations will kill a relationship slowly strangling the feelings and love out of it.
You completely missed the point of this post.
This might have saved my last relationship if I’d seen it a year ago.
It explains our problem to an exact point.
Matt,
When you are leaving the cup by the sink are you expecting her to put it in the dishwasher or are you planning to take care of it later? What leaving the cup there means to her is that you expect her to take care it. That is why she feels disrespected and like she is your mother and not your partner. If there was a kitchen at your office and you had a cup of coffee would you just leave it by the sink for one of your coworkers to take care of, or would you take care of it yourself? I think you are pretty spot on in your article about the issue, but what is also frustrating as a woman is the fact that some men can’t understand how leaving your clothes on the floor, cup by the sink, etc. makes a woman feel unappreciated and like she is expected to clean up after you. It is a respect issue.
This isn’t a man/woman issue. In my home, the roles are reversed. I think this is where selfishness is rearing it’s head and not by the man in the article. In my home, I’m the person that wants the house clean and dishes put away. Most of the time, I’m the one that has to do it, on my days off. This includes when she was a stay at home mom, home with the kids. It frustrates me, sure, but I know that she doesn’t do it to frustrate me. She’s always been this way. Her car is a mess and it doesn’t bother her, while I’d have a nervous breakdown. Clothes on the floor or a cluttered room doesn’t bother her. She doesn’t get bothered by a couple days of dishes in the sink, not just a single glass. I know, I’ve tried to see how long it would take before one of us would break down and take care of it. I am always first. But again, this isn’t new behavior. She’s always been this way. If I were to start thinking, she doesn’t love me, because she won’t do this for me, I’m making it far too much about me, when it’s not about me. She shows me in different ways. Keeping a scorecard of who does what is a sure way to ruin a relationship and creates resentment. The irony is, where he paints himself as the one that is being selfish and not putting her first, I see her being selfish and only putting herself first. Taking everything he does as a slight against her. Of course, there is likely more to this story not told. Keep in mind, I say this as the person opposite him in the relationship.
Brian
That is me almost to a “T”.
Thank you for your honest and gripping post. This applies to all relationships where two people with different paradigms closely interact. It is about making the effort to find a way for empathic resonance and reciprocal appreciation. Thank you again!
Thank you for this post. I have been turning myself inside out for three years trying many different ways to explain this concept to my husband. He read this post & I believe that after all this time, he finally gets it. It was never about a “glass by the sink” for us, my husband is actually pretty neat & usually willing to help out, if asked. Now he FINALLY understands that I don’t WANT to have to ask him to do things, I want him to take the lead once in a while. Your comment about women wanting a full partner & not another dependent to care for was spot-on for me as I’m sure it is with many women. My husband & I both understood the message in this post to be to strive to find the right path to express love & respect to our partners in a way THAT PERSON can relate to. This is important, because everyone is different, & feels safe, secure, loved, respected, validated, etc. in different ways. The final answer for every marriage is that communication is key…but the hard part is finding the specific way to communicate that your partner can hear. So thank you! You helped me to communicate my needs to my husband in a way that he could hear, understand, & relate to.
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Wow, men are such assholes
Wow!! Is just how I feel as a wife. My husband plays video games all day long and I hv ask nicely and also upset to stop ! He won’t do it, won’t help with our kids everything has to b done for him . I stay home mom and I really feel lonely
You married a child.
Says the individual with the pseudonym of a 12 year old.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely. You shouldn’t have to ask your husband to do what he should be doing anyway.
I want to thank you for this. I have been trying to find a way to make sense of a very similar situation in our home for my husband but could not find the right words or the right way to say it. I’ve sent this blog to him so maybe it will help him understand. He’s a good man. He’s a great father and a loving husband. He does so much. But you’re absolutely right; when he can’t take the 4 seconds to put the glass in the dishwasher I feel disrespected and unappreciated. I feel like a servant, not a partner. And I have actually told him I don’t want to be his mother. Thank you for taking something that was surely heartbreaking and emotionally devastating and turning it into a teaching opportunity for others.
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If two people can’t get together and have an honest conversation, and work out steps toward a solution… TOGETHER, then both partners are wrong.
If one wants to have the conversation and the other does it, then it weighs heavily in favor of the person willing to start discussion.
Communication is the key.
If a woman feels like she shouldn’t have to communicate, this is the same entitlement that the man expresses by not picking up the glass.
It’s the same thing, just two different points of view.
And I’m tired of one gender acting superior to the other in resolving issues of relationships. Both genders THINK DIFFERENTLY, and therefore the willingness to communicate is REQUIRED. This goes for both genders.
Men acting superior because women are emotional.
Women acting superior because they believe their methods are common sense.
It has to stop. It just has to stop.
If you find yourself a women in this situation, and you feel insulted at the suggestion to to attempt to understand your husband’s needs, just stop.
If you find yourself a man in this situation, and you feel insulted at the suggestion to attempt to understand your wife’s needs, just stop.
If you aren’t willing to help your spouse help yourself, then you are part of the problem. Goes both ways.
And I’m not budging on this. No matter how much of a fit either gender gives me, I’m not budging. We as a society desperately need to learn to communicate and need to drop the sanctimonious baloney of sense of entitlement to not needing to communicate.
Reblogged this on justaboringhousewife and commented:
I really rather enjoyed this article. It showed a great view on how communication in a relationship can either make or break it. Not enough communication can lead to a horrific downfall that can be started with something as small as “A Glass”.
But is it just about the glass? We all have our little pet peeves, annoyances that if not dealt with can drive us completely bat sh*t crazy. Let me dig a little deeper by getting all personal with you:
My new husband and I have been in a relationship for eight years, so I suppose you could say we don’t have many surprises when it comes to each others “bad habits” The example that the blogger uses is a glass that his wife had asked him to put in the damn dishwasher, annoying? Yes. Divorce worthy? I don’t think so.
Husband does have a few bad habits, leaving dirty clothes RIGHT NEXT to the dirty clothes basket, leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor when he comes home from work, and..worst of all…he has the obsessive need to use a new glass EVERY TIME he gets something to drink out of the kitchen. I don’t know why, but he does. When asked why, he simply responds with the non-committal “Oh, I don’t know” and shrugs as though that’s the answer that solves my problem. So if I’ve asked him once, I’ve asked him a billion times, to just use one glass, and if he wants something to drink, rinse it out, and use it again. Easy, right? But, no such luck. Time and time again I find myself washing a dozen or so glasses that hes used once and put in the sink. It. Drives. Me. Nuts. But, I don’t make an argument about it, in fact, the only time I take time out of my day to remind him about it, is when I’m angry about something else (usually unrelated to the incident). Want to know why?
I leave my make-up/hair products on the bathroom sink ALL. THE.TIME. I don’t do it intentionally, but in the rush to get ready in the morning, I finish putting on my face, and leave it there. Want to know what else? I forget about clothes in the washing machine, sometimes twice a week. They’ll sit in the washing machine all day, and they’ll have to be rewashed if no one moves them. Also, I can live out of a basket of clean, wrinkled clothes because I can’t take 10 minutes out of my day to fold them. That’s right people. I’m not perfect.
So every time I think about starting a fight about something as trivial as his odd glass using habit, I realize: My make-up isn’t on the sink anymore, someone has switched the laundry to the dryer for me. He doesn’t fold the laundry, but who can blame him? It sucks.
Point being, all this stuff got done, and did he start a fight over it? No. Because I put his glasses away, put away his shoes, and pick his clothes up off the floor. Why do we do this for each other even though we mumble under our breath about how annoying it is to have to do it the billionth time? Because we love each other.
It takes me back to that old saying “Choose your battles”. I’m not going to start a war over some glasses, or some clothes on the floor, because I know that I do these things for him, just like he does things for me.
So, as I finish this ridiculously long rant I leave you with this: Love will never be perfect, its a constant give and take that both sides have to put full effort into. That’s what causes a relationship to fail, when you stop the give and take and focus more on giving. So for the sake of your relationships, if your not going to put the glass in the sink, at least take out the f*cking trash, or put away her damn make-up.
Women like you are part of the problem. You married a child and expect a man. Its you that is compromised.
Wait… what? He’s a “child” because he uses a cup too many? Please help me understand. So what does that make her for leaving her makeup out, or clothes in the washer?
My thoughts exactly! Yes, the man should always honestly try to understand what he needs to do to make his wife feel appreciated, but the wife also has a responsibility to clearly let him know how she feels about those little gestures and why it’s so important to her. It does go both ways. I know – second marriage. If, having done that, the problems persist, find someone else who actually makes you happy. Life is too short.
Friendly suggestion: Wisely define and communicate your boundaries (and learn hers, and whether you’re willing to honor them) LONG before you actually get married.
Apparently you missed the point of the comment.
THAT is what you got out of her post? Really? She isn’t expecting ANYTHING out of him. She’s saying to choose your battles. Yes he does things that drive her nuts (not “child” things but typical messy human things) but she also does things like that. And so she’s not going to fight with him over a few minor things.
My husband is the “leave the glass by the sink” person. We have a dishwasher and all he has to do is put it there. But he doesn’t. Does it drive me nuts? Yes. Is it important shows he disrespects me? No. I tend to not do little things like that sometimes too. And so we both have our foibles. It’s not disrespect. It’s just being human. Frankly, I find the wife in this story to be a little ridiculous.
So here’s the deal. You drink something; that glass is now old and used. You drink milk, even a rinse will not get all of the taste/smell out of that glass. And think about the rim of the glass – lips have been on it. And saliva. And that means germs are breeding on the rim of the cup if it’s left for a second use. And what if your hands are germy or dirty from prior cup usage? That is spreading breeding germs and old dirt everywhere!
From my response you can surmise that; 1) My cup is never half full. It is always empty because I do not plan to ever return to it. Ever. There are clean cups to found in my cupboard and I will use them. 2) Your husband and I would be great pals. He could have all the cups he ever wants and I would not just not mind – I would encourage it. 3) When I meet people like you, I secretly suspect that your mother destroyed your soul the first time she put that second drink in the same cup and made you drink it. In fact, I flinch when someone is in my home and tries to reuse a cup – I literally get them another cup and encourage its use because it brings me such great discomfort. 4) Despite your glowing imperfections, you seem to be a lovely person. 5) Despite his glowing imperfections, I am sure your husband is lovely, too. 6) If you are a multi-use cup person and your husband is a one-use man and the two of you have figured out how to make a marriage work, then you have mad relationship skills that will bring you happiness for your lifetime.
This is why my parents are divorced. My father’s total lack of empathy and slob tendencies. I believe having kids has helped me to become a better husband. Why should my wife have to pick up after everyone? Why is it ok for me to add to the chaos? She shouldn’t, and it is not. I am not a child. My children need 2 positive role models, they need to see a man doing household chores. Just picking up after yourself and taking 20 minutes to do some chores can go a long way. I need to go put my laundry away. Thanks for the article.
What a fag. Let her go, then she becomes the next guys problem.
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My gf has conveyed to me this exact senerio. I really did understand the true meaning behind it, that it was not the glass or dish. I reacted just like the man and didnt feel it was important in the grand scheme of life. However when I would go to her house, there sometimes would be a while sink full of water and dirty dishes, that’s been there for days. I felt she was be hypocritical about the situation which supported my decision/argument of not being concern for a couple dishes in the counter. Was I wrong or where did I go wrong?
You went wrong when you believed that by following a females ultimatum would provide peace. Now you know better.
Actually, this is the scenario at my house. I love my husband. Really do. He is an excellent provider, wonderful father and good person. But he drives me crazy about stuff around the house. The sink issue particularly. He leaves stuff in the sink, right next to the dishwasher all the time. When I say something about it he’ll say I am going to do it later. Well, what’s wrong with right now when you are doing nothing? Or right when you were done with the dish? Now, if I leave dishes in the sink, even for days, it doesn’t bother me because I know I will clean them up myself. He’s not going to do it. It’s the expectation that I will eventually do it that bugs me. That it’s not enough to clean up after our child, but I must clean up after him as well. I am a stay at home wife and mother, and I homeschool, too. I. Do. Everything. At our house. Everything. He will do stuff if I ask, but I don’t want to ask or tell, I am not his mom. He can look and see what needs being done and do it. I long ago quit caring about him doing things my way ( the “right way”) as long as he will do them. Incidentally, even when I worked full time, I did everything, even the yard work. We have been married twenty years now, and I will keep him, but the struggle is real.
Basically I agree with almost everything you wrote.
I also agree with Joe who here: ‘Let her go, then she becomes the next guys problem. (sic)’!
You see, we people are rationalizers, not rational. Maybe sometimes reasonable but definitely not rational.
What you described is a relationship that was ‘on the brink’ for quite a while. She was not yet sure about what she really wanted and was gathering ammunition for the coming battle (reasons to leave you) while you were so snug that you didn’t see it coming.
Afterwards each of you have rationalized the situation, according to your then dominant state of mind.
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Dumbest article ever. Dump her ass and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Second dumbest ever, AT WORST. C’mon, now.
THE DUMBEST EVER. Its a dirty glass. She married a child and he thought he married his mother.
I totally didn’t think I was marrying my mom. That’s just bad guessing on your part.
But a child? Hell yeah, dude.
I often act juvenile. On purpose. Not unlike that one time when you went on the internet and left comments using the alias “BusterHymen.”
If you try really, really, really hard, I think you’ll be able to draw the same conclusion as all trillion of these wives and husbands who know what I’m talking about.
Stop focusing on dishes. And start focusing on the greater-than-50%-failure-rate of an institution legal adults VOLUNTARILY enter.
More specifically, Buster, I used to think a little bit like you. And now I know I better.
When stuff doesn’t work, we try new methods.
Chauvinism and name-calling, for example, are ALREADY on the Things That Cause Divorce list.
So, be better, please.
You do that for me, and I’ll try hard not to write the worst content ever distributed on the internet for you.
This post could really save a lot of marriages. Good work.
I run a blog of my own and hopefully will start writing articles like this that can truly help people, very soon. Check it out at some point, would love some pointers https://theindianmansden.wordpress.com/
“But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time.” <—- that is the problem with the entire article. She shouldn't be telling you what to do to begin with. If you made that comment about a woman then you would be "trying to control her." The patriarchy is holding her down. This entire article is about doing what your wife tells you to do. Sorry, that isn't how life works.
You’re wrong on so many levels that no one could even help you begin to understand.
You’re right. It does sound unreasonable…because it is. Is being a lazy slob grounds for an argument or a discussion? Yes. Grounds for divorce? No.
It’s a metaphor, Clint. For serious, man.
I don’t think anyone has figured this out, friend. I don’t think anyone understands that she didn’t actually divorce you over the dishes.
Clever headlines, be damned. 🙂
Hahahahaha! Well, I liked it, anyway. 😀
She didn’t divorce you for “lack of empathy”, she divorced you because you are weak. She felt she had to tell what to do and felt you were incapable of living to her standard.
Don’t over analyze this. She felt you were not an equal, a child in a relationship with a woman.
If you choose to have another relationship communicate better and step up to the plate as a man, not a child who needs directions.
Matt
don’t let the bottom feeders get at you. Buster hymen? Seriously? Don’t even acknowledge that guy. Children reading an article about real man problems react as such. It’s a safe bet he doesn’t have a wife to leave him and if he does she didn’t finish high school either.
The article is spot on. My wife forwarded it to me b/c it so accurately portrays our life together and her feelings. I can deal with not understanding her feelings, but I struggle mightily with her holding me accountable for things she needs that I don’t. I don’t expect her to put the dishes away; I do it when I get to it. I HAVE TO HAVE LOGIC. I simply despise things that don’t make sense.
Thank you for this. I’m not ashamed to admit it’s been frustrating seeing so many people mistakenly or intentionally misrepresent what this is supposed to me.
Just a simple little story about why I believe many marriages fail.
You get it from every angle. And you made me laugh a couple times.
I appreciate that very much. You have no idea. Thank you.
Actually, being a lazy slob is grounds for a divorce. Why would anyone not want to get out of that situation and move on to someone who isn’t a lazy slob?
We had this argument about having to ask him to do something five times or more the other day. It was epic and explosive. He didn’t understand that by me having to ask you to do a simple thing like put your eight month pregnant wife’s heavy three foot jewelry box into the closet instead of in the garage was sub a huge deal. Well, like you said it is exhausting having to ask someone who is supposed to love and care you to do something over and over again. Don’t give everybody else your best and then when you come home give your family the leftovers. It is t right or fair.
Like asking someone to pick up HER clothes off the bathroom floor?? Or put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink?? Or maybe flush the damn toilet?? GROW UP!!! MARRIAGE IS A TWO WAY STREET!!
This man gets it! It’s as if he was able to enter the brain of a woman and all os a sudden get it. Sorry it was too late for his marriage to be saved, but what a lucky lady the next one will be.
Come on man!! So I’m I entitled to get a divorce because my wife leaves her dirty clothes on the floor after changing from work?? Or leaves dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher?? GROW UP !!! If my wife HAD to be babied like that she’s not much of an adult!!
If she can leave over a mere glass, then my honest response would be, “good riddance”. There were bigger and deeper underlying issues and the glasses were mere excuses. There’s a healthy give and take in every relationship and the view that men are the ones that litter is not a correct one and has only been made to seem so because women do a bigger job of cleaning and are always whining about this role and make it appear like they themselves do not litter. As I said if she could leave all because of mere glasses, it’s “good riddance”
Deeper and underlying issues indeed! I posted further down about what I believe the issue is. She doesn’t find you attractive anymore, or you, her.
People will poo-poo this reasoning as superficial and irrelvant. To which I respond…you’re right, she can’t wait to jump your bones every day and also complains about the glass.
This perpetuates a horrible myth, that men have to change for women. Could you have put your glass in the dishwasher? Sure. But she could have just as easily learned to not be so upset over something so trivial.
I get it, you’re playing to women here. You’re telling them exactly what they want to hear. “It’s his fault!!!!!” And I see it’s working out well for you.
Here in the real world, getting so upset over something you could do yourself is petty and childish. Men should not have to change for women any more than women should have to change for men.
I’ve been married for 22 years. 22 years after saying I do, my wife and I still do things the other may not like. But we respect each other enough to realize such triviality isn’t worth throwing away a marriage. In your metaphor, whichever one of us was upset by the glass would just take care of the damn glass.
Here’s the thing, anyone that would throw away a marriage over “a glass in the sink” didn’t respect the marriage in the first place. Of course, I only have that 22 years to base that on, I could be wrong.
No one needs to “change.” They need to “understand.”
You’re smart enough to understand that this wasn’t REALLY about a glass by the sink, and you’re wise enough to have had a 22-year marriage run (congrats, by the way); but somehow didn’t make the macro-level connection.
When we don’t respect our partners, even when we don’t understand or agree with them, EVERYTHING breaks.
This isn’t about doing chores.
This isn’t about pettiness.
This isn’t about nagging wives or lazy husbands.
It’s about how, more often than not, husbands and wives LITERALLY do not understand what one another are saying to each other, especially during emotional arguments.
When we learn to give a shit about things for no other reason than our partners caring about them, marriages get to stop ending.
When two people don’t give a shit about dirty glasses, it’s obviously not a problem in their marriage.
I’m sure there are marriages where BOTH partners care about dirty glasses.
Many–like mine–involve just one.
I write about husbands, because I was a husband. I write about men, because I don’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be a woman.
I can only write authoritatively about my own life. It’s what I’ve done for for a little over 30 months now.
I tell my story, so that guys like me can learn the lesson before everything turns to shit.
Guys who aren’t like me won’t get it. Women who don’t give a shit about the things my wife gave a shit about won’t get it.
But, I’m sorry–you’re making the same mistake as all these other more ignorant guys doomed to relationship failure who are leaving comments focusing on the Battle of the Sexes and division of labor and specific gender crap.
The takeaway is SUPPOSED to be: Your partner cares deeply about things. You will not always care about those same things. But in marriage, you RESPECT the things your partner cares about, even if you don’t also care.
You care BECAUSE she cares. (Or she cares because you care.)
I think that’s how the rest of us get to 22 years and counting, sir. The guys who are like me.
The take away was that YOU needed to care about what was important to her, no matter how irrational she was.
Your metaphor makes a good point but it’s not the one you meant to make. Your wife wanted you to changes. There is nothing respectful about wanting someone to change. If you were a drunk, abusive, maybe a compulsive gambler, these are things you might need to change.
Not putting a glass away or leaving your underwear laying around or any other such trivial matter are just that, trivial matters.
If it was important to you that she cooked you dinner every night by 6, no one would be on your side. Everyone, myself included, would tell you that you’re being unreasonable. No one would say, ‘well, if she respects you, she’ll do it.”
Marriage is not just a give and take, it’s also “let the little stuff go.” Ask any long term married couple if their partner does things that annoy them and you’ll get a resounding yes.
The secret is not in becoming the person your partner wants you to be, it’s in accepting your partner for who they are.
She doesn’t try to change me and I don’t try to change her BECAUSE we care.
You really need a like button, Matt. This response is spot-on.
Ok, so this diatribe between Ranting Monkey and yourself… Gentlemen! Really the issue is personality changes vs task based changes. I have been married for 18 years, have 4 kids, and accept that you cannot change someone’s fundamental personality. But trying to show love and respect by trying to alter how you do a chore is not changing their character. It is redirecting a habit, which is totally doable! And it is for a good reason. To honor and respect your partner.
My husband is a neat freak, but doesn’t want to actually do the work that that mentality supports. So in order to help him keep his sanity, I try to accommodate that in our house. I like to have my yard and car look and work great by no effort of my own. If he really loves me, he will change the damn oil and refill my fluids and either get one of our kids to mow, or do it himself after a long days work… Lol. He is in the habit-altering-character-building cycle just as much as I am. Do we expect each other to fundamentally change? No. We expect each other to accommodate the other while not always understanding, or agreeing with, their perspective. Matt, you did a great job on this article. It’s the little things that have hidden significance. Metaphorically the glass was a terrific example. I know I have been devalued in my own mind by things like hubby leaving socks in the living room for 18 yrs, but at least I have the presence of mind to know the man isn’t purposefully disrespecting me. Ranting Monkey, surely you and your wife quit doing something that annoys the other just for the sake of sanity. You don’t change who you are as your base character, but you work together to get along. And if your answer is, no, that neither of you ever have to compromise … Then I assure you, she has been making huge sacrificial compromises your entire 22 years. Hopefully I am misunderstanding your POV like you are missing his.
Matt, Keep up the good writing.
“The Ranting Monkey”, I think “the glass” is more symbolic of him taking responsibility for his part in the breakdown, which I believe is what we should all strive for. Whether we believe someone or a situation is right or wrong, doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Really we can only ask ourselves, “what can I do to make it better?” or “what was my part in creating the problem?” That’s the biggest service we can do ourselves, and those around us.
As we all know, the only thing we can change is … ourselves. I nearly died trying to change my husband because my body broke down from the chronic stress. I think it’s hard to compare any 2 marriages, so as to give advice about one based on another, as they are all so different; with 2 different humans involved. Obviously, no one lives inside any marriage, except their own. At the end of the day, in life and marriages alike, we can only change ourselves as an attempt to make anything in our lives better.
However, some marriages may withstand up to “50 glasses”, while others could withstand enough “glasses” to hold an Ocean of water, while still some may breakdown over “a glass.” I think it solely depends on the 2 individuals. My guess is, there are many more than “1 glass” to every divorce and “enough glasses to hold an Ocean” is probably more than 1 person could handle “picking up.” No I’m not divorced. I’ve been married for 19 years. I’m just hoping that we all see that all marriages are different. We all live with the paradigms that we, and our spouse have been programmed with since birth; and that’s different for EVERYONE, just as the “number of glasses” any 1 person can “pick up” is.
I think “the glass” is more symbolic of him taking responsibility for his part in the breakdown, which I believe is what we should all strive for. Whether we believe someone or a situation is right or wrong, doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Really we can only ask ourselves, “what can I do to make it better?” or “what was my part in creating the problem?” That’s the biggest service we can do ourselves, and those around us.
As we all know, the only thing we can change is … ourselves. I nearly died trying to change my husband because my body broke down from the chronic stress. I think it’s hard to compare any 2 marriages, so as to give advice about one based on another, as they are all so different; with 2 different humans involved. Obviously, no one lives inside any marriage, except their own. At the end of the day, in life and marriages alike, we can only change ourselves as an attempt to make anything in our lives better.
However, some marriages may withstand up to “50 glasses”, while others could withstand enough “glasses” to hold an Ocean of water, while still some may breakdown over “a glass.” I think it solely depends on the 2 individuals. My guess is, there are many more than “1 glass” to every divorce and “enough glasses to hold an Ocean” is probably more than 1 person could handle “picking up.” No I’m not divorced. I’ve been married for 19 years. I’m just hoping that we all see that all marriages are different. We all live with the paradigms that we, and our spouse have been programmed with since birth; and that’s different for EVERYONE, just as the “number of glasses” any 1 person can “pick up” is.
I get the metaphor, I promise I do. I also get that he’s looking at what he could have done better, which is admirable. If he tells me he wasn’t respectful enough to his wife, I’ll take his word for it.
However, the metaphor here has nothing to do with respect. The saying, “happy wife, happy life” is nonsense. He could have done everything she wanted, paid attention to everything important to her and it still would not have lasted because marriage has to be built on mutual respect, not just giving in to your partner at every turn.
Funny thing about having no self respect, no one else respects you either, including a spouse you completely cater to.
Frankly, this makes women sound like petty children. Imagine the response if this were reversed. If he thought she should change her behavior to suit him. I guarantee you the comments wouldn’t be positive.
I wasn’t there. I don’t know why his marriage fell apart. I do know it was doomed if “respect” is seen as justifying irrational pettiness.
Very good article. Respect is so important in a relationship. Thank you for a very well written article.
There are two types of men: “mama’s boys” who never grew up and expect any woman they meet to support them the same way their mother did, and men who realize women are equal and aren’t there to babysit men.
That’s uncomfortable for a lot of people to deal with. We don’t want to tarnish what are hopefully positive feelings about our mothers and home life growing up.
But I very much agree: Sons coddled by mothers grow up to be guys who make entitled, shitty partners.
They’re not necessarily bad men. Just bad husbands.
Aw crap! I have a 16 yr old son… Pretty sure he’s a classic momma’s boy. Very protective of me, carries all the heavy stuff no complaints, But ask him to do dishes and straighten his room… Mouthy butt head makes an appearance and I gotta shout for him to shut up the negativity.
Could be the age. Could be the that I enabled him. But I’ll be damned if he is a shitty husband because of our relationship.
Any tips (that aren’t from stupid commenters about quit coddling, punish him, etc…) He is intelligent, and very male. I am intelligent, and very female. Therefore, I realize we do not speak the same language.
Being literally days away from my husband being diagnosed with not one but possibly two types of cancer (tests are continuing ). A week away from our 12th anniversary. People need to look at what is important in their lives. A glass on the counter or any of the little things we do that irritate one another mean nothing at all in the scope of a loving relationship.
Wow, first time I have read a male’s perspective on this, you hit it right on the nose! How do I respond when my 60 something husband replies ” I don’t know how ” when I ask him for the thousandth time why he didn’t start the(full) dishwasher or hang his coat up ( always leaves it on a dining room chair), so frustrating and after all these years, as we are now empty nesters, leaves me warn down and feeling like his maid. And you totally got it, I am not his mother, nor do I want to be, thanks for the opportunity to vent! The passive-aggressive behavior is really over the top!
Great blog
Early In my marriage I had a similar scenario, socks by the bed. Every time I picked up his dirty socks I felt so angry! However. A friend told me “if that’s the worst thing he does” I realized I loved him in my life more than not having socks on the floor. I don’t pick them up and if one is peeking out from his side of the bed I kick it back so I don’t see it. I’ve loved his messes for 30 years now. Each partner needs to embrace the differences respect is only the foundation to build upon.
Wow….I guess it’s all in how you look at it. My husband always leaves dishes in the sink, always leaves a glass beside the sink. Does it bother me? It used to. Til I realized his bringing them to the sink IS his way of helping me. He doesn’t leave them all over the family room, bedroom, etc. And if he put them in the dishwasher, I’d move them around! A glass by the sink? Yes….because there was a glass by the sink all the years he grew up. I do things the way my mother did….why can’t he? He helps me in a million ways–laundry, bed making, carries in groceries, with the kids….and on and on. I’d rather focus on what he does….
As I read through some of the comments I started thinking some people really don’t get it. I am currently going through a divorce for very same thing. Feeling un wanted and unappreciated. While I am not perfect nor do I keep a spotless clean house I definitely believe in give and take but when one gives and the other only takes it gets exhausting. I am a stay at home mom who did everything a normal wife/mother would do on top of helping in any way I could with the horse business we had. I fed and watered horses daily. I would catch them out of the pasture clean them up help him do anything I could physically do when he was taking a load somewhere. We aren’t talking one or two horses either we are talking sometimes up to 30 horses that had to be cared for. He would come in late with a load I got out of bed and prepared stalls and helped up load sometimes at two or three in the morning. He didn’t help in the house with anything and everytime I turned around everything was his because I didn’t work outside the home he didn’t take time to spend with me and everyone could see it but me. Then I was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and he still expected all these things from me and never went to doctors appointments or treatments with me didn’t ask how I felt or anything. Instead it was can’t you get up and do something around here the house is a mess horses gotta be taken care of and it like you work. No instead I was doing chemo and raising three kids. I finally smelt the coffee that he was never going to change. He was never going to give on anything. So while leaving the glass by the sink is crazy to leave I sure understand the part of feeling unloved and unappreciated. It’s the small things that we as women take to heart and makes us know you care. When I left and filed for divorce he was shocked and couldn’t understand why. Maybe if he had listened all the times I tried to tell him what I needed from him instead of brushing it off that you don’t do this or that things could have been different. The more unappreciated I felt the less I did for him and then he got mad and said I was lazy. Sometimes it takes drastic measures to wake people up and I am grateful you saw your mistakes and understood the real meaning behind it. Takes a strong person to admit they are wrong. Like I said I am not perfect and a messy house doesn’t bother me but being appreciated makes a huge difference for men and women. I didn’t always say thank u for going to work or paying the bills as that is part of being an adult but he felt entitled to a thank you for everything and appreciated nothing I did. No amount of communication seemed to work either. Thanks for this blog maybe it will help some relationships.
Thank you for your story. I can only imagine how much added pain and stress a partner like that caused by not being a partner. Good for you for taking action.
Alb2011, thank you for your beautiful story! It hits home…. illness and all! You’re an inspiration!
This is completely accurate, especially the part about it not mattering how many times you explain why something is important. It wasn’t until I was out the door that he understood it completely and then it was too late.
Wow! This hits home a little bit too hard. Married to my spouse for 23.5 years and three kids ages 12 and under, I get a lot of what is posted and find comfort in so many responses. I am not the only one going through this. Your words of my wife said it is exhausting to tell me what to do all the time is where I am at but even if I did tell him something, he still won’t do. He won’t do things I ask because he doesn’t like being told what to do and has told me so. Yet, he takes very little initiative to get things done or it takes him forever. I would love to share this blog post with him but based on other things I shared in the past, the response I would like or need would not happen. So I don’t bother. As I contemplate a divorce with no family nearby for support (12 hours away), I find amusement in our situation. (I can do this because he is not abusive.)
My wife of 25 years is divorcing me. Reading this does not make me feel any better. Makes me feel so low that I could walk under a snake’s belly while wearing a top hat.
I’m a divorce attorney and I think this is genius. Couples need to live intentionally to continue to show appreciation for each other. You nail this situation on the head. And the guy that doesn’t listen finds himself in my office wondering what the hell went wrong!
Continuing to do things that drive your partner “in sane” is just dumb. If it matters to them, it should matter to you. It’s just that simple. You don’t have to understand it. In fact, it’s because you are two different people that you CAN’T understand it all. But what you CAN understand is that we all need to be respected for who we are. I get to be “me” with my likes, dislikes, etc. and you get to be “you” with your likes and dislikes. And we have every day of our lives to show our respect of the other partner.
Nice article with great methodical points that connect the dots nicely. My comment may seem negative but it’s an attempt to extend the “glass” to women too.
I know that many women are not going to want to turn the table and introspect but please consider a different sink and glass. When you tell a man who essentially as a boy, would put his you know what in anything that moved, no and make him wait for sex; something you seemed to like while dating; when both our HOMES were a mess just to have more time to hump more like rabbits; when he knew and saw and felt and craved that you liked it and it was a gift for you; that his body was made for you, then that man who is now not getting his “dishwasher” also feels unloved.
I realize that her emotional foundation is found in that glass or clothes on the floor, but have you ever considered that while lying in bed watching Netflix on your “personal data assistant” that he is lying there boiling with resentment because you are you are given to a brain prosthetic rather than a flesh and blood lover who craves you. It’s almost like instead of rolling over for the real thing, you reached into the nightstand, pull out Mr vibrator and proceed to use it right in our face.
Sex, being the classic man “glass in the sick; we start to REASON sex was a trap – why would you hump me on the floor falling just inside the door while dating and not now. We might REASON you don’t love us anymore when you let 3 months go by with no physical contact, like passing at a bus stop. And it hurts us too because you’d be the first to cry, he cheated on me! But did you cheat him out of his VALIDATION first?
No, I agree with this article only in the sense that the glass is many things and that the word men in the article should be changed to the word people. He is right, if the glass in the dishwasher translates into – you don’t think I’m a slave, then it should also be a precursor to sex. Call it foreplay.
I regard the wife as a child since she is the one who left. She is the one who put the marriage commitment below her personal desires and feelings. Marriages survive and thrive as an exercise of putting self below the mutual commitment. She is the one who failed. A mentor with a very successful loving marriage once told me jokingly that you never give a woman what she wants; because she doesn’t know what she wants. I don’t totally agree with that but it has to do with nagging. I see that the wife put her feelings above the marital commitment. The fact that the writer introspected and wrote is showing that though he took her dishwashing skills for granted, he loved a person more selfish than himself. I’m not using the term “selfish bitch” though I could just remember hearing that term come out of someone’s mouth in an argument once or twice but the fact that she left proves that she gave to self more than the commitment while this loving guy searches for meaning where he went wrong.
It was a good passage and it needed to be directed to men specifically, but we hurt too and get invalidated too but if we use words like that, guess who might call us a pussy? That song, “I’m a bitch” So concisely gets it so right, that I wouldn’t want it any way. But it still means you are a bitch.
I love my wife; would lay my life down for her but sometimes she just needs to be told, I’m sorry I put the glass in the sink, I’ll try better next time but it’s only fucking glass now go upstairs and get on the bed.
A little secret is, if we were a finished product, perfect metro sexual whimp, put my socks in the drawer type, you wouldn’t like us much. You married a man. If you wanted a woman, you’d be lesbian. But also, ladies, I don’t want my wife a slave either. So, I’ll meet you half way. Just let me know when I get to do the dirty, and I don’t mean dishes. And, Mr article writer, don’t fret, you are better off without her. She’s a selfish failure. Just next time do the dishes.
Reading your article literally brought me to tears. This is my exact situation as of now. I’m at my breaking point. If he even reads it at all (which I have begged him to do), I will be surprised. It just breaks a woman’s heart to love someone so much & feel as if they always “do” for them without being asked, but yet can’t get that same respect or appreciation back. I’ve always thought it was me. Asked myself “is it really worth a fight”? So I would hold my tongue & push the issue aside. I realize now that it’s not & there are some men out there that are capable, if willing, to change. I just hope my husband is one of them. Thank you for writing this!
I have read this article 3 times. Well done. If my ex husband read and unstood this, it may have saved my marriage. This helped me in seeing that he honestly didn’t get it…but after several years of feeling like a lonely maid and prostitute in my marriage, I left. It’s been 16 years since my divorce and i have never remarried because I always look for the early warning signs in a man lacking this knowledge and understanding. I hope your article teaches wise men knowledge rather than learning it the hard way as you did. Bless and thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this blog. Maybe it’s that I’m 5 months pregnant, but it made me cry.
You really made me realize that I have a great husband. He always makes me feel wanted and loved and respected. Now I’m totally trying to figure out ways in which I can be a better wife.
Hubby was previously married and has two kids. He’s a family law attorney, so when I ask him how he just gets how women think, he attributes it to his job – to knowing that he doesn’t want to be in the position his clients are in. Maybe that’s why he’s so great.
Anyway, thanks for such great insight, and for enforcing that I married the right guy…even if I already knew that. 🙂
This is as awesome of a comment as I can possibly get here. Thank you for not making it about dishes or pettiness or gender battles or power struggles.
It’s just about implementing best practices in a marriage to ensure its long-term viability.
Doing so enhances and strengthens the good feeling we already felt for our partners, rather than destroying them.
I appreciate so much that you, a wife, a female, in a great marriage with mutual respect, can identify what this is supposed to be about.
Thank you very much.
I confess, I’m confused about what’s happening here, is it genuine self flagellation or is it parody? The discontinuity between thought and revelation lead me to believe it’s the former: an exercise in prostration for someone who paints himself a sinner. Oh and those sins…
“Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled”
I wonder what you meant by -respect- there, deference to your every whim? Somehow I don’t think so, it wouldn’t be… consistent with your other thoughts. I think the -entitlement- that seems to stir your regret was probably something more modest, maybe the basic respect for human dignity that should be extended to anyone. The right to have your thoughts and feelings considered, the right to expression — of opinion and creative urge, of freedom from abuse, coercion and… manipulation. Guess what, that is an entitlement, for the man in the street who sleeps on the bench, for the cat lady with her doll she pushes in a shopping basket and ever for a male spouse.
I’m being unfair though because those rights are extended to persons, someone with their own identity. How can you expect them to be bestowed upon an individual with no identity of their own? An individual who appreciates, “how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time” and can truly pre-empt such demands, exists only as an extension of another’s volition. Such an entity cannot be expected to leave evidence of it’s material existence around in the sink and be tolerated. By the way, was there a space in your shared domicile, somewhere you could fart and listen to the music you like, tinker with broken kettles and stack your screwdrivers without fear of them being misused. Perhaps it was shed on your plot, an outbuilding, somewhere suitably remote from the hearth of the home, please tell me you at least had a cardboard box under the stairs.
Gosh though, men are just so infantile, thanks for reminding me. I wonder what it’s like to be truly adult and know that: “she comes first and that I can be counted on to be there for her, and needn’t look elsewhere for happiness and fulfillment…”, surely the epitome of independence and maturity. I’m sorry– I had to exploit that but you wanted me to really, because as I stated, it’s your inconsistencies that betray your true meaning. Amid all the ostensible supplication and self deprecation, you couldn’t help but let the truth out.
Wow. This is good. Best I’ve ever read.
Thank you for saying so. It’s much appreciated.
This article is spot on. My husband and I just had the same argument leaving us both with the question is it time to walk away. I can’t make him understand what you poignantly described and most times I am the one who gives in and apologies for making it a big deal. For the sake of the marriage. Leaving me feeling like a second class citizen. It’s like we speak different languages and we just don’t understand each other. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not insane.
I absolutely love this! May I include it on my blog (giving you complete credit, of course)?
Please share as you see fit, Amy. Thank you for asking!
You’re welcome and thank YOU! Such a thought provoking article that may just save relationships. Well done!
Reblogged this on Musings Illuminated and commented:
This is a long read, but worth it!
I think this article is spot on in describing a particular dynamic at a particular point in the relationship. What the author seems to miss is the fact that once this point is reached, its like dropping a stone from a height. The stone may take years or decades to hit the ground, but hit the ground it will despite anyone’s efforts. To wit: if either party was suddenly placed into a relationship with their celebrity crush let’s say, are you telling me the wife would give a hoot about the glass? Any more than the husband would dare leave one there? Physical attractiveness, chemistry if you will, is the ultimate key. Not that either has to be gorgeous, they just need to be thought of and appear that way to the other. Everything else falls in line by virtue of that. What the author is describing is a situation where that feeling is already gone on both side. Like an already lost chess game where you try to improve your position fompletely ignoring the fact that you are already down an insurmountable amount of material. Or trying to strike a fire with wet matches. The work is irrelevant at that point.
Thank you.
So very, very much.
The understanding of what marriage itself is lost on the majority of this country. People divorcing over differences in their personalities that they find out later. It’s not about the man or woman, it’s both. We treat marriage like it’s our play thing, when actually it’s a covenant the man and woman makes with God. Loving someone is a choice, on both sides. If someone is questioning if you love them or not because of a messy lifestye you have, then there is a bigger problem. Fellowship with God together (pray together) Pray after you have an argument (for forgiveness and for God to help your partner) Tell each other how you feel, keep nothing hidden. Man, if you screw up, be humble enough to say you’re sorry! Love your wives as Christ loves the church, for you are to be as Christ is as head of the church. There is your standard. There should be no question in her mind that you love her. Everyone has their own quirks and baggage. But it’s not enough in the eyes of God to end a marriage over. You are trying to make a marriage work (marriage being from God) with worldly love. That is, performance based love, conditional love. This marriage will most often fail because it’s a mockery of what God intended. First, you both must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. To know Him and not only of Him. You must help each other in the both of your spiritual walk. You can’t make it without Him. Draw close to Christ together, experience the feeling of the love of Christ. Only by knowing of His love can you share it with one another. So then after you love someone as much as you can humanly love someone, then you let yourself be a conduit for heaven to reach your partner, letting the love of Christ pour through you. Loving your partner with the love of Christ. It helps if you can see the ways of Christ in your partner, so your love for Christ spills over onto your partner. So as you both draw close to God, you will find yourselves drawing nearer to one another. If you do that, the glass near the sink will not bother you anymore.
Yes, it will.
When I traveled in religious circles, I heard over and over that “women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected”…almost always from a male “expert” on the Bible and relationships. This simplistic view suggests that men don’t need love and women don’t need respect. Such thinking and teaching does a disservice to both men and women because everybody needs and deserves to be loved and respected.
Religion is definitely not the answer. Might as well just take valium.
Then obviously you have never had a close walk with God!
So because you are not religious means you don’t have guidelines? Take the comment and remove the religious content. It still applies.The understanding of what marriage itself is lost on the majority of this country. People divorcing over differences in their personalities that they find out later. It’s not about the man or woman, it’s both. We treat marriage like it’s our play thing, Loving someone is a choice, on both sides. If someone is questioning if you love them or not because of a messy lifestye you have, then there is a bigger problem.Man, if you screw up, be humble enough to say you’re sorry!There should be no question in her mind that you love her. Everyone has their own quirks and baggage. That is, performance based love, conditional love. This marriage will most often fail. You must help each other Draw close together, experience the feeling of the love. So then after you love someone as much as you can humanly love someone, then you let yourself be a conduit of that love. So, you will find yourselves drawing nearer to one another. If you do that, the glass near the sink will not bother you anymore.
There, I took religion out of it for you.
I don’t understand people like you. You will take excellent advice and throw it right out the window because someone said that dirty word…..God.
I am not religious but I have never known anyone who is to give me advice related to God that has EVER sent me in the wrong direction. Stop being a fool and just take the advice and use it as you will. You religion hater.
On the contrary I do have guidelines, the most obvious one being that human beings are only one type of millions of living creatures on this earth who are not exempt from the laws of science simply because we have concocted the concept of god to counteract our fear of the unknown.
I believe people are inherently good. I feel no need for a religious paint-by-numbers set to instruct me how to be a good person.
That said, I do believe that physical chemestry between people is the start of it all. It’s when you don’t have it that you have to start constructing otherwise naturally occurring things like respect and admiration. Those things are by-products of physical attraction not a means to get there. If those feelings don’t come naturally out of your attraction to the other person then the manufactured kind will not work to hold you together.
Tang is not orange juice.
Joe, are you really allowing your own ignorance to compare medication to a relationship with God! I suspect you will leave the glass on the counter!
So you’ve never heard the phrase ‘religion is the opiate of the people’?
And you’ve never seen the hypocritical scenario of strangers holding hands in church then screaming at each other from cars in the parking lot 20 minutes later?
As a youngster, I have.
Ignorance indeed.
Honestly guys. We’re not going to have a religion and theology debate here. Thank you for being semi-kind to one another.
If you love your wife with the love of Christ, you will put the glass in the dishwasher. Do you think God gives us the beauty of nature because He doesn’t have enough beauty in Heaven and actually needs, say, colorful sunsets? God gives us every day a thousand things our physical selves crave and enjoy, things God doesn’t need and knows that we could go on breathing if we didn’t have either. If God Himself bothered to give the colors to the sunset and then gave us the ability to see then, then you can bother to give your wife the beauty and pleasure of a clear kitchen counter.
Myrtlemartha, while this gentleman’s post wasn’t going in that direction, you made an excellent point. Husbands, wives, children, coworkers, everyone who has the love of Christ and walks in it will absolutely care more about the people they interact with. I appreciate your boldness for speaking Christ’s name in response to this article.
Thank you for standing against the ultra – pettiness of the view described in the article above. Thanks for having an infinitely greater standard than egotism.
These are the same women having abortions simply because it’s inconvenient for them.
There’s a zero-percent chance we are having an abortion debate under a post intended to help families stay together and children raised in the best-possible environment.
There’s already entirely too much flaming and insults going on. No way are we going off on a tangent RE: America’s most controversial and divisive subject.
Please and thank you.
Loving God is great. However, if a partner doesn’t feel loved and respected, the marriage will end. You missed the point of the entire article. It’s one man’s realization of how the little things matter in ways we don’t understand because men and women feel, reason, love differently. In case you missed it, they aren’t mad about the glass, or “the messy lifestyle.” They are hurt that their partner doesn’t care enough about them to even put their stuff away.
Religion may work for you, and that’s fabulous, but there are millions of marriages that survive without your beliefs every day. I am not discounting how it can help if you are a truly religious person, but to say “you can’t make it without Him” is not true for everyone, and it’s why you missed the point of the article. Work on your relationship with Christ, that’s awesome. But don’t forget your partner is human and while Christ may love you, she might just think you’re an asshole. So, check in with her from time to time. Do the little things that show her you love her too. (and btw, women also need to do that.) It’s important to notice the ways our partners show love if we want to maintain our relationships.
Exactly. If a man (or woman) is not willing to change something minor for the sake of their marriage, then they don’t deserve the marriage they’re in. It’s all about whether or not an individual is willing to fight for their marriage. Are they willing to change for the sake of their loved one or will pride always win out in the end? If a person isn’t willing to change something so small and minor as putting a cup away, then that speaks great lengths to how much their
really means to them.
There is no covenant with God without the love or respect. I agree that marriage should be taken seriously, but that should happen regardless of what I believe. I think people lean on prayer to solve the world’s problems, but there has to be an equivalent action to determine what the issue is between you and your partner. You can pray and pray and pray and walk away with the same problems. The prayer makes you both feel great at that moment, but you go back to being yourselves. I kind of agree with the article above. But, I also think on the side of the wife, there needs to be a choosing of battles. Because your husband doesn’t put his glass in the dishwasher, doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect you. It’s just muscle memory. It’s not that deep. Sometimes with men, they love you and respect you in different ways. It is your job as a wife to recognize how your husband loves and respects you. People are also not mind readers, so if something is bothering you, then tell your partner in a non-accusatory or non-argumentative way. I doubt that you leaving dishes by the sink was the only reason your wife left you. I’m not trying to be snide in my comment. But, there are many things my husband does that gets on my nerves like not not closing cabinets and leaving his socks where he takes them off. But, I couldn’t imagine my life without him by my side.
Leah my point is that if the man or woman truly wanted to be in the relationship….truly….either the glass scenario wouldn’t come up or at most it would come up once. If the man had to be told that the woman he truly wants didn’t like the glass it would never happen a second time.
By this I mean the glass or any other thing like it. In short there isn’t anything the man wouldn’t do for this woman and vice versa. And that willingness wouldnt stem from fear of divorce it comes from natural willingness. He wouldn’t even view it as work.
Bruce you’re not wrong but I think you’ve missed the point here. It’s very simple…if you refuse to love someone the way they wish to be loved (even if it’s as silly as putting a glass away), then you aren’t really loving them, you’re loving yourself. Our Savior said it perfectly, and we can certainly apply this wisdom to the marriage relationship: “If you love me, keep my commands.”
This is a ton of bull! It’s clear these people didn not have open communications and that’s clearly why divorced. If your significant other has done something the same way for how ever many years and you didn’t make mention of it the very first time it happened then don’t be upset it hasn’t changed since then. The true problem comes when we choose our lifetime partners. Men choose that girl that is perfect right now. She fishes, she hunts, she loves camping, she loves staying at home, playing video games…she’s perfect! Women choose men who have the quality to be a great husband, father, supporter, ” and with a little work I’ll make this man the man of my dreams.” Then they start dating and eventually they move in together, that’s when she starts getting irritated about the glass but doesn’t say anything and puts it on the list of things to change about him. They get married and she starts to mold him. And she finds it isn’t working out to well to she thinks of she changes something about herself he will change something about himself. So she cuts her hair short because they were watching a movie where this girl had short hair and he mentioned how interesting the hair cut was on that actress. That didn’t work so she changes something else and eventually is almost the total opposite of what she was before marriage and he’s exactly the same leaving that glass by the sink. If you want that glass to be put in the dish washer either the very first time you see it left you say something about now or put it in the dishwasher, but you can’t be mad 5-10-15 years down the road for still doing it.
Doug read Bruce’s comment . He hit the nail on the head. ..you of all hit your thumb with your logic about marriage and/or realationship.
No one should criticize this man for trying to gain more prespective on why his marriage failed. Yes, it takes two…bit marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100. Both partners need to put every effort into making their marriage work, and if he is realizing one of the major faults he had during his marriage and sharing it with others in an effort to help other men gain insight on the issue then good for him!! -Doug – It’s interesting that you call this post “a ton of bull” when your reply is so off. Your “understanding” of women and their motives for getting married are incorrect and obviously biased. That may be your perspective on why women choose a husband, but as a woman who has been married for over 13 years and who has many married friends I can honestly say that this is not the case. To you, men marry women because they are “perfect” in the moment and women marry men with the intention of changing them. Clearly the view of a jilted man. The reality is that yes, men marry women who may seem perfect in the moment, and they have unreasonable and unfair expectations that things will always be the same. He can continue life the way he always has and the women will not change with age, maturity, and circumstances. In my experience, a woman marries the man she loves because she loves him with his faults (because we are realistic enough to know that NO ONE is perfect) and she marries him despite his flaws. The problem is that life does change things; jobs become more demanding, families grow, life gets harder, and more effort is needed to not only hold things together around the house but also to hold together the relationship. The wife needs more help and in all honesty HAS been telling him about that glass for 5-10-15 years. The point of this postbis thatbthis is not the first time these situations are being brought up to the husband…it’s been an increasingly occurring problem that has been addressed millions of times but like the author said…the husband just didn’t get it. She sees these acts as acts of disrespect because as the load on her increases she wants her partner to help bear some of the burden rather than to increase her burden. As they have more children, her husband should be a partner in the house rather than act like another child. The wife became more and more exhausted and felt less and less like an equal partner. This may not be the entire reason for the divorce but it was a contributing facor. The husband realized it too late. Now he is trying to help others. Good for him.
Hit the nail on the head. Basically we want to you to be our partner , not someone else to pick up after. Just be an adult. If it’s dirty, clean it up. Don’t call me to do it.
Your response is a bit bias as well. It is fairly common knowledge that women do indeed try to “fix” their husbands. Women do expect their husbands to be mind readers and expect them to do things “because he wants to do it for her, not because she told him to do it”. The glass being left by the counter did not bother him but it bothered her so she should be the one to remove it. These little things that make the woman feel disrespected really are silly. We need a female perspective on what the wife could have and should have done to make this marriage work. Men and women are wired differently and expecting a man to think and act like a woman is not an option, so women have to learn to recognize all of the things her husband does that shows his love and devotion and not over analyze silly things like leaving a dish by the sink. The wife in this scenario appears to be a controlling woman. If a man repeatedly told a woman to do or not do something the feminists would be accusing him of domestic violence. The bottom line her is that if one or the other doesn’t like something the other person does or doesn’t do the person with the problem should do it rather than pestering the other one. If your husband constantly criticized you for not folding the laundry the way he wants it wouldn’t you tell him to fold it himself then? I don’t like the way my wife leaves all of her make-up laying all over the bathroom and although I have told her it bothers me she has not stopped, but I haven’t divorced her for her “lack of respect”. Get some perspective ladies…you cause most of your own problems by focusing on your expectations rather than on the good things your husband actually does/did.
Happy Jack, you nailed my marriage. I was even told by my ex that she married me with the intent of fixing me (several years after the wedding ). Nothing was ever good enough and I heard about it constantly. Every petty thing like this was made into a “you don’t love or respect me” discussion. The problem was she was an immature control freak who threw temper tantrums when things didn’t go her way. Yes, I had my faults which I admit. She, not so much.
oops! Went over a lot of heads….point was missed….BUT everyone does see things differently…
Why would a grown adult even think it’s the responsibility of their spouse to clean up after them? It’s not about trying to change or not change someone’s. It’s about I also worked 60 hours outside of the home this week…why do I have to pick up after you as if you’re an invalid? If you are perfectly capable of cleaning up after yourself, there is no reason I should’ve had to tell you even the first time. Even children are capable of cleaning up after themselves. Heck, I’ve seen dogs that can pick up and put away toys. But you think a grown man should have to be told to clean up after himself? And if he wasn’t told the first time, he gets a lifetime pass?
This is from a man who has been through a divorce. It takes TWO to start a fight and TWO to end it. There is ALWAYS another side that most do not know much less want to know. A relationship takes TWO. From the way this is written, it is ONE sided and only from “her” perspective as “he” understands it.
Sorry, but I am not buying this…
There only needs to be one takeaway, then.
Accept responsibility for yourself and don’t point fingers.
I see all these guys justifying dumbass choices by saying: “Well she does this and that!!!! How is that fair!?!?!”
And to them I’d say, if you and your best friend were having a good grades contest in high school, and your friend scored a 59% on a test, and you scored a 65% on the test, I’d think you (“you,” being anyone) were a huge asshole for bragging about your failing 65%.
Marriage isn’t graded on a curve.
When we do solid B+ and up work with just a tiny bit of effort, and we worry about ourselves and not others, things work out better for all involved.
I try to accept responsibility for my divorce regardless of what percentage of blame is technically mine to bear. I do so because I think it’s the highest path we can walk.
Love your response!
Thanks, David…..been there, done that…if “the glass” is the issue, and the man does 100 other things he “should,” then the marriage is screwed and skewed
Maybe that’s why you are divorced. Because you don’t “buy” it and clearly you don’t “get it either.
Loved the article!
The secret to a successful marriage is keeping each other happy. Find that one or two things that makes that person happy & accept each other for who they are, bad habits & all! Yes, he should have put the glass in the dishwasher to keep her happy & yes she shouldn’t nag him to do it. It should be a given. But in reality who cares! It’s just a glass & love & relationships are way more important than putting a glass in a dishwasher. Chill people. Yes dirty clothes on the floor & shoes in the hallway bother me but I don’t make a big thing about it, they get picked up eventually. Enjoy life & each other & go with the flow. And yes I’ve been married for 30 years. We’re a team & we’re good at it.
Yes!
Chilled, you are absolutely right. I think the younger women want the perfect household and let little things bother them. I think “Hell, he could have left it in the garage while he was working on the car, or patio while he was mowing, or bathroom while he was getting ready for work…but he brought it to the sink!” lol.
holy fucking shit – mind blown – it’s the theory of special psychological relativity – AND concisely elaborated upon to boot.
On the other hand: a person is responsible for their attitude and their own happiness. I have been the one who “could never do anything right” and I have been the one who “imposed vague unreasonable expectations”. But I figured it out: I don’t need to get upset over the toilet seat being up or down. When I go to the restroom, I put the seat down to use it, then when I am finished, I put the lid down. I don’t care anymore enough to impose my will or “feelings”. I could care less if the toilet paper rolls under or over – I’m simply grateful that 1. I have toilet paper; and 2. that maybe someone put the roll ON the holder. If they don’t, that’s okay. I’ll do it myself and keep on smiling. Why should I let it affect my good mood? If I need help keeping the house: I’ll ask. Otherwise we each have our chores – divvied up. If someone is not happy with this life – then they should go find their happiness. I don’t HAVE to be responsible for someone else’s self-esteem nor they: mine. In a caring relationship, it happens naturally.
right on
You are free to write about yourself, but stop putting down the rest of your gender! You admit you make BAD DECISIONS. You are correct. One of your bad decisions is the way you trash men.
I don’t trash men, Mike.
I believe in them. I believe they’re the key to making marriage something good and lasting.
Men are badass at MANY things.
Which is why it’s so shameful how many won’t invest as much energy in their marriage and family as they will their fantasy football league or playing Call of Duty all night.
No need to pretend it isn’t true, sir.
Yes, yes. Thank you. I struggled for years with my Ex trying to articulate this to save our marriage.
Wow well said. Why are men so stubborn…..I’ve run into this problem over over mud off workboots. He won’t stop bringing boots in the house and I just cleaned the floor. He’s tracking mud all over it. It’s true, women hear that her time is less important than his. He’s thinking who are you to tell me what to do, etc. It causes resentment and it’s a ticking time bomb really. The last straw for me was he called me to say hi and said he was going up our carpeted stairs with a sense of freedom/relief because I wasn’t there (ha ha), something a long those lines and I snapped – I’m not your f-ing mother and my heart broke because he just doesn’t get it. He suggests I’m batshit crazy and taking things too seriously…..it’s always the last piece of straw that breaks the camels back. Anyways I’m still here even though I screamed I would never ever vacuum that mud again (which lasted about a month before someone had to do it). Now I have heard the odd comment from him that it’s his turn to vacuum. I believe he may have vacuumed also – I didn’t make any snarky or snide comments about it. I was grateful to hear it. I’m on a mission now to please myself and foster my own happiness. Life is too short to lose your lid over mud……
My husband and I were just talking about this last night. It’s a second marriage for both of us. I said to him, “I feel badly because (ex husbands name) probably thinks we got divorced over taking the trash out. But you don’t get divorced over trash. The trash was just the end of it all.” Thank you so much for sharing this.
I think it is sad that when a marriage ends is when each person finds out what they could have done to stay married. Then each person moves on and does not make those mistakes again (for the most part if they cared enough to take responsibility for the marriage ending). They end up happy and could have stayed married (happy) and would not have ruined their kids lives by getting a divorce – and yes kids are affected by divorce no matter how defensive divorced people are – kids are happy and have adjusted just fine (they don’t FYI, they are trying to keep the peace and please each parent) I think if I had to live out of a suitcase and hear my parents trash each other and fight over money in court I would be pretty screwed up.
This argument is both realistic and absolutely ridiculous, and i’ll tell you why;
Yes men and women don’t have the same emotional reactions to the same situations. Things that men think are petty, women think are important and vice versa. There are hundreds of examples of this situation; sex, outdoor chores, toilet seat positioning, toilet paper direction, bed making rules, proper sock folding… the list can go on. These things take over a relationship when a certain level of consciousness is not present, when external circumstances influence what your home life should be, example like this take become topics of discussion.
We need to be able to connect on a cosmic/spiritual level with our partners, where you can feel the natural currents of energy flowing through each others bodies – to the point you can feel the internal energy of their soul. Watch Jill Boltes Ted talk to get an idea of what that state is (I can tell you I didn’t have to experience a stroke to achieve it -https://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight).
If your souls can feel each other simply by being in the same room, this is how the glass issue gets handled…
A: It will always be put away.
B: Someone will put it away
C: They won’t waste a fraction of a second thinking about who is wrong because the level of conscious that they have achieved doesn’t allow them to acknowledge it.
It’s only at the point where both people are connected at a level that is so spiritually deep and cosmically beautiful, that we will realize that the glass in the sink is just that…
a glass in the sink.
I feel as though this is what I was trying to say in my inept way above. Thank you.
I thought this was very endearing. Its about a “love language”. Hers may be respect through service … like cleaning up after you’ve made coffee, rather than leaving the spoon on the counter. His may be hearing praise … “thank you for taking out the trash”. Yes, the spoon might not be a big issue in the grand scheme of things, and the trash may be a minimum expectation … but its how each person ‘hears’ that you love them. You do the little things that add up to a lot. Kudos to the author. I really appreciated the article … I wish that all partners could read this!
Thank you for putting this out there, Matt. It is definitely a microcosm of how some women feel – it isn’t the action itself, but the intent or the feeling behind the action (or non-action, as it were). After 5 years of marriage and two kids there are instances where my husband and I both feel like this (me more so). I am a SAHM and he works full time outside our home. We are both aware of it and working on it. There are no perfect people, but we can strive to love and respect each other in a way that helps each other and builds each other up.
most women (me included) are not good at communicating to a man. we are passive aggressive instead of being blunt and forward. once you learn how to communicate with YOUR partner, you have a much better understanding relationship. i learned the hard way…. with past relationships. my partner is a great communicator but tells me clearly what works for him. easy peasy. i still can’t tell him anything while he’s watching sports, but wait for the commercial now. LOL. two to MAKE, two to break.
the article was interesting, it’s a perspective, don’t judge because your relationship doesn’t relate.
I’m so impressed with this article. The fact that it’s written by a man gives it huge credibility. They way in which it’s articulated is brilliant. I’m so sorry your marriage has ended, because it seems as though you’re more than enlightened as to how so many women (myself included) are wired. Thank you for sharing something I’m sure wasn’t easy in such a humbling, practical, and non gender-biased way. I enjoyed it tremendously.
Sometimes I think when someone is just not in love with you anymore they just hate everything you do. If it was a different man who left the glass by the sink then she would not complain and put it in the dishwasher. Sometimes as hard as it is you have to let them go I’m learning that now and I believe I am right (when you hate you hate everything about that person. Women have strange ways and if your wife made you happy and proud then you would want to help her more because she makes you happy.
I can only say I wish I’d read this YEARS back. Anyway, I totally agree with you on the way men and women think. All men should read this to ensure their partners are always loved in a manner that men will never understand. But then again, who can understand love? Love is an action, and sometimes all it takes is just 4 seconds to show it.
Thank you for sharing this truth about your marriage. Of course every relationship is different (to those posters who want to deny your experience) I’ve been married to my husband for 42 years and from this vantage point, I can look back and see all the silly things we fought about, all important to us at the time. BUT, I still say to him today, we have a good marriage, but for the identical things you bring up, we could have a great marriage. He doesn’t get it. I’ll read your post to him, but I doubt that will make a difference. We’ve had that conversation too many times. I’m glad you finally got it; though too late to save your marriage, your next relationship is going to be great. (And folks, it wasn’t ONLY about the glass by the sink)
I think I just fell in love with your mind.
Not sure where the part comes in about how the most common issue in marriage that has to do with home organization is the woman’s lack of ability to focus, and to avoid squirrel chasing. For every man who leaves a glass by the sink there is a woman who is a stay at home mom and her husband cannot walk from the front door to the kitchen for the clutter, Where pairs of her shoes are under each couch and chair and her things are left everywhere, while the stainless steel on the fridge has been polished to ballistic perfection.
This post is a bit silly. I get it, I really do, having spent 18 months in the purgatory of a near miss divorce and competing with myself daily on how much more navel gazing self blame I could heap on myself.
As an aside If you are addressing a cohort that stays up all night playing video games, you are not addressing men anyway. Yes those boys are out there. Some man boys deify sports throughout their whole lives. While women are steeped in social media.
I know a Physiologist who is also a Presbyterian Doc of Theology. He practices the former, and he told me he stopped offering marriage counseling because he came to realize men see a wedding as an event, and women see it as the beginning of her exciting new project to mold him into her likeness. Including having passion about a stupid glass by the sink, and making every decision based on the emotional filing system she has mastered…..er….that day.
Finally, there is one 100% efficacious way to stay married. DON’T FILE DIVORCE. If you didn’t cheat on her, beat on her, or abandon her…..she divorced you for childish stupid reasons that make using the glass by the sink as a teaching moment a moment of missing the forest for the potted plants.
She divorced you, she harmed your kids and you. Go build your sink and counter top out of glasses if you wish.
“Once someone figures out how to help a man equate the glass situation (which does not, and will never, affect him emotionally) with DEEPLY wounding his wife and making her feel sad, alone, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, afraid, etc”.
Why does the author presume that the glass situation does not and never affects a man emotionally? After an entire article explaining how this man’s actions invalidated his wife’s feelings, this sentence is invalidating to the man, and generalizes men. Sure, some men have thick skins or don’t need affirmation and their self-esteem isn’t undermined by wives picking fights, but not all men like that. The article was doing so well until this paragraph, which is a real pity.
I only write for men, Art. It’s about personal responsibility.
I have no idea what it’s like to be a woman or a wife.
I’m not BLAMING men. I’m not EXCUSING women.
I’m encouraging men to be great. I’m sorry if that wasn’t communicated effectively.
Would you encourage the wife to be great by telling her that the glass situation does not and never affects her emotionally? Nope, you empathized and validated her feelings, and that’s terrific.
Same for the man. Encourage him to be great by validating his feelings, and use empathy for him too. Maybe he doesn’t have a lot of friends for emotional support and the wife picking fights with him makes him that he’s not good enough for her and she’s doesn’t love him for who he is. Telling men that they are not and never will be affected by the glass situation is not applying the same empathic philosophy to HIS emotional needs. It goes both ways.
It was very poorly communicated. You validated all women but did not stick up for yourself. You not always putting your glass away doesn’t mean that you don’t respect your wife. It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden she can’t trust you or feel safe with you. It certainly doesn’t mean she quit loving you. Sounds like she’s anal, impossible to please, unwilling to compromise, had low self esteem, and can’t communicate effectively. If I were you I would thank her for leaving then go find you a real woman who is willing to deal with those little things. Each person in a relationship has at least one thing their partner does that irks them, but when you’re really in love, you look beyond those things, not directly at them. Grow a pair and stop trying to justify your ex’s reasoning for leaving you.
I’m not going to hedge every explanation for my role in the marriage ending with a “yeah, but” excuse about how I can justify it.
Do the right thing. Be a leader. Be unselfish. Be the example.
THEN leave them if they don’t hold up their end of the bargain.
But when you’re not giving everything, you have no right to point fingers.
That applies to, literally, every relationship at home, school, work, sports teams, social groups, etc.
OF COURSE I’m not fully responsible for everything.
Precisely ZERO good can come from blaming others for the bad things that happen to us.
I tried that. I dug deep, I did what she wanted so she wouldn’t be unhappy, I walked on eggshells around her feelings. And I got burned out until I snapped from the constant unacceptance and fight-picking and over-scrutinizing. The love was all used up and all that was left was picking up the shards of my self-esteem and rebuilding my self-worth.
Guys can think that we’re being 100% logical but we’re not. If we’re resisting the glass situation, we’re probably resisting it for an emotional reason, even if we’re not aware of it, like maybe we’re afraid of spending the rest of our life with an unreasonable unhappy person, or maybe it’s a bad childhood habit that’s difficult to undo, or maybe we’re just afraid that the most important person in our world (ie., our wife) doesn’t love us for who we are. If we want to be “grateful for another opportunity to demonstrate to my wife that she comes first”, we have to feel out WHY we were resisting in the first place. Because it probably ain’t for logical reasons.
You can give everything but sheer effort and willpower isn’t enough. Equally important is the clarity and wisdom to see that a relationship is a dance. Blaming and finger-pointing from either side kills the dance. So does trying to waltz when the other person is 3 steps behind and stepping on your toes.
This has amazing insight.
I do want you to know something: I read this because I had the thought that it would hit pretty close to home. I was medicated and went to therapy for several years following the birth of our children because of laundry on the floor/trash needing to go out/dishes in the sink. What I figured out was…I actually signed up for all that. I am a person who “takes care of stuff”. Besides working full-time, I paid all the bills, did all the laundry, cleaned the house, etc. when we got married and never asked him for help. He was the “man of the house” and I did “woman stuff”. When the girls came along, I got nutso because I couldn’t do it all alone AND take care of these two little people. Why did I have to be HIS mother too? I am tired when I get home from work too!
Maybe you see where I am going…
Anyway, we got better before it was too late, fortunately.
Great blog.
It’s not about the nail!!! Thank you! I have been trying to find an explanation. You have explained it beautifully and made me realize my part in this as well. I also need to look at things as he is not out to hurt me intentionally onr,at all. I have things I can let go of to please him… like my dislike of doing the dishes… I don’t like doing them because it makes me feel less than… but that’s my perception. He sees it, I think, as I respect him and what he provides me and the family.
Thanks so much!!!
Thank you for this humbling advice. The glass analogy and subsequent explanation is by far the most spot on, relationship saving, simplest advice I’ve ever read concerning emotional differences between men and women.
Oh Matt! Will she remarry the new enlightened you? What a great husband / partner you can be with this fantastic understanding of the underlying emotions we can’t even put into words ourselves.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Wow! This really hit home for me. Not that I’m going to leave my husband, but it made me realize that it’s not the glass by the dishwasher or the twist tie by the garbage—me-“why can’t you put it in the garbage? His do you think it gets there? The garbage fairy?” Him—” it wasn’t enough to bother bending over yet!” But you’re right! It makes me feel that he doesn’t care about me, doesn’t appreciate me. Thanks for pointing this out. I feel better about it just knowing that it has really nothing to do with his he feels about me and it’s really just that it doesn’t matter enough to him to bother bending over .
Cab you talk to my husband?
You sweet boy. I am so sorry you had to go through a divorce, but I am SO GLAD you managed to put this concept into words for me. I am going to get my husband to read it, and see if we can finally get this thing clear between us. You see, we have fought this same battle bitterly for over 30 years, raising 3 kids and actually divorcing for 8 years and remarrying because it just didn’t make sense to keep the family fractured. Finally, after all the warring, the heartache, and the time alone realizing divorce from this man was NOT what I really wanted, I began to slowly come to the same conclusions you laid out so well here. The perspective from a mans side. The fact he really, literally COULD NOT understand what I was saying no matter how many times I said it – because he doesn’t feel the way I do, see things the way I do, and just can’t imagine it from my point. Not from lack of love, simply from lack of perspective – it just does not compute – he can see no logic to it because his mind doesn’t work that way. I honestly believe the real key to a successful marriage is the understanding of the two perspectives you bring to light in your writing by BOTH SIDES – each making the effort to step outside what makes sense to them and embrace the others perspective, each making the commitment to do some bending, and some rethinking and making the effort to consciously remind themselves – ‘Hey, don’t jump to defensive conclusions here, remember this doesn’t look the same from that other side!’ Keep firmly in mind that the other persons perspective might seem alien to you but it is NOT WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT. Remember the difference, see the love, refuse the war.
Thanks again, for putting this into a great post. I hope you find a great new relationship, cause your going to make some girl really lucky. 😉
Wow this makes total sense and I have had this argument with my wife before (though it was over dirty socks in the living room).
I saw my parents marriage crumble because of things like this. It certainly wasn’t because my mom was the housekeeper/office manager for their business/children’s taxi service/chef supreme. No, it’s not like my did didn’t work his butt off either–he worked just as hard as she did, just in another realm They had had a few difficult years, actually, the family did (kids included), and I think ultimately what they needed from each other was: I hear you. I acknowledge your pain and frustration. I value you and the things you do to keep our household together. They both felt unappreciated by each other. My mom felt resentful, in part, because my dad never helped around the house (and when I say never I mean I don’t ever recall him cooking or cleaning doing laundry until they divorced. And I was 16 when that occurred). The other part had to do with my brother, but that’s a whole other story. My dad felt unappreciated because how could he be expected to do anything around the house (especially during the week) because he was working almost 20 hours a day at times doing the out-of-the office work for their business?
It’s been more than 20 years since they divorced and they’ve both remarried and I see in each of their marriages they way they have taken what they learned from their divorce and apply it to their current relationships. My dad does housework, cleaning, laundry, etc. my mom is much more understanding of my stepdad’s work and doesn’t become resentful when he’s worked 20 hour days and comes home and doesn’t do anything (but I sure part of that is because there’s not three kids to take care of). Overall, I see two people who I know still love each other but couldn’t communicate what each other needed. Part of that is because men and women communicate differently, and part of that is bcause the cracks in he marriage had grown so wide. And as a child of divorced parents, that’s the sucky part: it’s not like one of them was bat-*hit-crazy. They hit a rough patch and bailed on each other. As an adult I see both points of view, and they are both entirely valid.
So I guess my whole point to this was: value your partner and what they do. and if you can work it out, by all means, do it. Don’t be prideful when you can save a marriage. Either accept that your SO wants to only use one glass a day, or compromise, and put the damn glass in the dishwasher and just get it out each time you want a drink.
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I loved the article. From someone who has gone through this…I believe it is hard for wives to put into words how these types of things affect them. It was spot on.
Spot on!!! Thank you!
Enjoyed the read. Just experienced this feeling today.
I think your essay is brilliant. But is it perhaps less of a man/woman issue and more of a type A/type B issue? My husband is very particular, I am very easy going. This put a lot of things into perspective for me. Thanks!
It’s like this article was written about my life! (Except my fiancé isn’t this enlightened just yet). For all the men reading this and saying its bullshit: shut up. This article has articulated everything I’ve wanted to say but never had the tools to do about my fiancé not helping me with seemingly small tasks around the house. My fiancé has started to understand why I have pleaded and yelled and sobbed for him to just pick his clothes up or rinse a dish for what feels like the thousandth time. It’s important to me and if he can’t take a few seconds to do a simple task I feel like he doesn’t actually care about me or my time. I’ve worked two jobs and would still come home to see not one of the simple chores I’ve asked him to do done. And he was just doing school part time! Can you see why days, months, and years of that wears you down? Can you see why I would approach him about it not about to back down and have a fight result from it? Men and women need to step back and really look at their significant other to see why something is bothering them before it’s too late. To the man who wrote this article: THANK YOU SO MUCH. I’m sorry for what you had to go through to write this but women (and men) everywhere should be thanking you for finally shedding light on a topic that many just haven’t felt the need to publish.
Ho. Lee. Cow. You blew up the internet with a metaphor, Matt!
*high five!*
It hasn’t been very fun! And it seems poised to worsen before it gets better. Yeesh. Really nice to get a friendly and familiar comment. Thank you. 🙂
Oh wow…I see what you mean. Blech.
Please tell me you’re not gonna give this more stuff more of your attention than it deserves, ‘kay?
Happy Saturday 🙂
It’s impossible to not. Every new commenter needs approved. I don’t think it’s cool to let comments hang in limbo, even when they’re calling me a sackless fag.
Fun!
*sprays coffee on phone* Least you have an excuse…I keep coming back voluntarily…it’s like a car wreck…can’t…look…away…
I literally cried reading this. Thank you.
I only wish that the issues in my marriages (yes I tried twice) were glasses by the sink. No, I was foolish enough to marry completely self centered, misogynistic alcoholics. I believe that this was in part because my own childhood taught me nothing about what it means to have a loving relationship. Therefore how could I possibly identify what I had never seen.
My point is that the importance of modeling a loving, respectful adult relationsionship for your children can’t be overemphasized. Home is where we learn to relate with others, where our place is in the world, how we should expect to be treated, and how to treat others.
Unfortunately, I learned that I had ‘0’ importance or respect from men.
So I’m still learning, at 60 years of age. Sometimes I give up the idea of any love relationship. Other times itseems there could still be hope. You never know.
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Perfectly wrote! Thank you! Someone actually gets it! Coming from a divorced wife , married 13 years ! I have recently remarried and it’s all about readjusting to learn each other’s likes ,dislikes, and pet peeves! I don’t believe any marriage is perfect and we all have our faults . But learning to be open and truly listen to your spouse is a key to having a happy marriage for sure .
Or, I just learned how to pick my battles. Yes socks on the floor (right in front of the laundry bin) are infuriating! Just flip it in there! Especially when our dogs chew them and they could not from inside the bin. But still, quiet is worth more than thinking I will change that. This is the man I married.
He cooks most of the food and contributes in 1000 other ways. If he wants to buy new socks every other month, why do I care?
As someone who is about to get married, I appreciated the rawness of this post. Things aren’t always going to make sense, and that’s okay. I feel like what I got out of this was “err on the side of love.” Thanks for this!
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Truly, if she divorced you because you left dishes in the sink, there were deeper problems and that dirty glass was just another straw on the camel’s back. It isn’t about dishes but about respect, true, but it also points to a very controlling and/or intolerant wife. Look, marriage is the greatest opportunity to become a better person–for both partners. True, the husband could have become more respectful towards his wife’s desires; however, there was a lack of understanding about the husband on her part. His acts or lack of were not indications of his uncaring but they were signs of how he thinks (his priorities are just different.) There are big things and little things in marriage to contend with. Many wives would love to have to deal with those little things like a dirty glass rather than adultery or addiction. I happily pick up after my husband because I love him and it is a joy to care for him in every way. Yes, he’s busy with work (and I work, too). But he shows his love and caring for me in his own ways, too. Equal but different. We work our strengths and protect each other’s weaknesses. We slay the dragons that we’re better equipped to slay–for each other. I will not make him feel bad for being who he is. When I get down on myself for my weaknesses and flaws, he is the first to tell him that he loves me for the way I am and that the way I am is what makes me unique. So, if he leaves his dirty socks on the floor or dishes by the sink, I gratefully take care of it for him. He’s not doing it to annoy or disrespect me. He’s doing it because he’s concerned with too many other things. Lazy? Not at all. Distracted, tired? Yes. If I can handle a few things to make his life easier, I want to do it. Who the freak flips out over a dirty glass except for controlling, ungrateful people? We are so much more courteous to strangers than to our own spouses sometimes. Honestly, some people don’t deserve to be married.
OMG, YES!! It’s not about the fucking dishes!! This is precisely the anatomy of the end of my marriage. You get it, but he still does not, no matter how many time we “discussed” it.
Tears for the 20 “lost years,” sighs for the self-respect I bought back in the divorce. I had “water glass” issues too (and he had girlfriends on the side), and he didn’t/couldn’t care. Such a well-written blog — I think if he read it, he would finally get it, but now it’s way too late.
Yes. This. Exactly. I tried several different times to explain this to my EX- husband. We both worked outside the home, had kids, but he thought unless I TOLD him what to do it was ok not too. Thank you for finally articulating what I apparently was not able to. Fortunately he and I are friends now and happily remarried.
Great article!! It was never about the glass. The sooner we learn the nuances in how men think versus women, the sooner we can come to a happy medium!
I was surprised to see this really excellently written article a mere week after having a similar conversation with my husband about household responsibilities. I am very clear in telling him that I don’t want to feel like his mother, I want us to be partners. I want him to be a self-sufficient adult and not have to be told to do things. I don’t nag, I refuse to become that person because it is absolutely soul-sucking. When he leaves me to take care of running the household, tasks fall through the cracks because I can’t do it all on my own. Then he wants to know why stuff isn’t getting done or why I’m tired and stressed out all the time. I need more “help” than his usual washing dishes, cleaning the litter box and taking out the trash. I need to trust that he will pick up some of the slack and show me that he cares enough about my well-being to not add more burdens on my plate by requesting that I continually remind him to do things because he can’t be bothered to figure it out himself. Sometimes he’ll actually take it upon himself to clean the counters or sweep the floor, and one time I almost passed out when I saw that he’d cleaned the toilet. I always praise him for these “extra” efforts hoping that positive reinforcement will help drive my points home, but these initiatives he takes are very few and far between. If he could be like this more often then I wouldn’t have to feel like his mother, which is decidedly NOT sexy at all.
Of course, no matter how direct I am in communicating all of that, he still sees it as an argument about chores and therefore not a big deal. I’m not planning a divorce over this, but it is really depressing to think about another 60+ years of dealing with this.
Communication & respect are important in a marriage, but being able to accept & live with our differences & appreciate what 2 people bring to the table is also important. My ex & I grew apart after many years of marriage & dealing with life’s stressors, infertility, death of family members, etc.. He met someone online while we were still married. I was so angry at him for his infidelity & leaving me for the other woman. In time, I looked at the mistakes that we both made that impacted our marriage ending. It’s often not one big thing, but many small moments that get swept under the rug & not discussed that cause marriages to fail.
OMG shut up! LOL j/k
We don’t have a dishwasher, but, we have “dishwasher” moments. Your blog brought some clarity to my 45 year marriage (I am a slow learner, sometimes). When I am losing my cool over the (insert petty annoyance); my hubby doesn’t have a clue of why it matters to me; but his reaction is usually to take the garbage or recycles out, shred some old junk mail, sweep the garage floor, etc. Reading your blog makes me realize he is just trying to do something to make me happy and I understand that he still loves me enough to try. Thanks.
Nice! 🙂
So very true. Nice to see a man explain what I have tried to, many times. It’s not about the Glass. Blessings, Kathleen
This was great! Funny thing is, the roles are reversed in my relationship. My boyfriend is the neat freak/OCD cleaner/organizer. I am on the opposite end of that spectrum. This situation with the glass happens with us as well as many others. I have reacted the same way as you have but will really have to take these situations & change my perspective about them!! Thank you!
But don’t ruin yourself over it! A “neat freak/OCD cleaner/organizer”?? A “nut” maybe?
Kristen…your boyfriend has mental issues that will probably drive you apart as in when you have kids and he becomes irate that their toys are everywhere. Life is stressful enough w/o adding that kind of pressure to yourself or your future kids and making them have mental issues…
Kristen, I’m in the same situation, and this article affected me as well. To counter the other comments: my husband and I have two children. His mental health issues have never prevented him from being a wonderful father and supportive partner. Shame on the other commenters for implying as much.
People should pick up after themselves. This is not a “mysterious” expectation, nor is it an “emotional” issue. It’s just common sense. People should be responsible for their own messes. The only people who don’t always understand this is kids. Some men (and I do say only SOME men, because, luckily, I have a grown-up for a husband), some men claim they don’t understand why this is such a big deal, and say that they don’t care about such “pettiness,” but that’s because they know that if they just leave the mess long enough, somebody else will clean it up. Behind this decision are two assumptions: 1. This is too demeaning for me but not for my wife. 2. My time is worth more than her time. These are both disrespectful and yes, unloving positions. Now, the wife is trapped. If she asks him to help, she’s nagging. If she doesn’t, he can protest that he’s not a “mind-reader.” If she gets upset, she’s being he “emotional.” That old saw. If she lets it go in order to keep the peace, then he’ll just keep leaving his messes around the house and expecting his wife/maid to clean up after him. So yes, this ends up being about emotion, but initially, the issue is quite logical: If you make the mess, you clean it up. And you do this, not because you want to make your wife’s little heart happy, but because it’s the fair thing to do, it’s the responsible thing to do, it’s the adult thing to do, and it’s just plain common sense.
“Picking up” after oneself and cleaning up ones own messes is one thing BUT leaving a cup in the sink is not a mess and, as it was left in the sink, WAS obviously picked up. It was stated that often a cup may be reused before the dishwasher is run at the end of the day. BRAVO! Our nation has become a nation of wasteful resource users. If a person can’t daily see the value of reusing a cup throughout the day, and leaving it the sink (or on the counter, heaven forbid) then THEY are nutty one!!
Good point, Christopher. We do waste too much water, and if you’re going to use the glass again, you might as well just leave it by the sink. But It seemed to me that this was not just about one glass; the glass incident was probably the “straw that broke the camel’s back,” and we’re not privy to the other incidents that made up the whole story. I assumed, perhaps wrongly, that this was part of a pattern. The title of the story, I assumed, was an exaggeration, to get us to read it. The whole story had to be about more than one glass one time. Of course, that is just my assumption, and perhaps I should follow that time-honored edict, “Never assume.”
I’d like to challenge the assumption that putting the cup in the dishwasher as requested somehow makes it inaccessible for the rest of the day. If you can get a new, clean glass out of the cabinet, you can certainly get the used cup out of the dishwasher, right? You’ve set up a false dichotomy.
Be honest, in that situation how many times is the cup left forgotten at the bottom of or next to the sink at the end of the day. If you never go back for another drink from the cup, do you ever stop to think “Hey, I should go take care of that cup from 4 hours ago!” But if you truly care about saving resources, you can have a place where your day’s cup goes that’s not out and about until the end of the day. Or you can fetch it from the dishwasher if you want to reuse it and everyone wins.
This article is about more than a cup by the sink, and could be about anything that couples fight over. You’re displaying the point perfectly well by refusing to see beyond you “being right” and on to how your actions impact those you care about. The author never once indicates that he thought he was wrong in why he shouldn’t put the cup up, but acknowledges that had he realized why it meant so much to his wife, he might have re-evaluated his priorities.
You are over simplifying it. I dont think you got the message at all. He used the example of the glass which doesnt seem like much of a mess but, he is probably just trying not to make it seem as bad as it probably was. If it was just a glass and he actually cleaned up after when he was done and she never had to see the mess pile up but I highly doubt this was the case. Usually, when we start getting annoyed is when there is a glass, ok fine. The next day the glass is still there and since it was dirty with dryed out orange juice now there is another glass. You might just wash them at first, it slightly bugs you but its not a big deal. Later, after you washed the glasses theres the glass just sitting there again. You tell your partner “hey Id appreciate it if you washed your glass after you used it instead of leaving it on the counter” and they say “I’ll do it later, Im not done with it” or whatever excuse not to wash it when you asked. You think ok but you come back half hour later and its still there. “You havent finished with that glass? Didnt you hear me when I asked you to wash it and put it away?” he says “Jeez whats the big deal? Its just a glass. I’ll get to it when I get to it” You then procede to bug inside but figure its not worth it. He already knows it bothers you and if he cared at all he will wash the glass next time, right? Nope. Next time he leaves the glass. You dont want to nag, he already knows it bothers you. He will do it without you asking, of course he will. You dont have to do it for him, he wouldnt expect that from you all the time, he respects you as his partner not his mother… You leave the glass, you dont say anything. The glass stays there. You dont only stop picking up his glass, you stop picking up after him altogether even though you probably usually pick up the living room after game night or the kitchen after dinner. You are upset and want to prove a point to him and yourself. The mess piles and he doesnt lift a finger to help. You both know that its not because he is ignorant to how you feel about this cause you already told him. Its just unbelievable and you end up picking everything up fuming and fealing disrespected, ignored, unloved. He walks in and you start telling him off about the glass with tears in your eyes and explaining what it meant to you and what you now realise he feels about you. He says your overreacting about something thats not a big deal. It was just a glass! You start pointing everything else he casually ignores to help around with in the house and say that its not that you want him to do it, youre happy to do it but you specifcally told him to do one thing and he ignored you and its obvious he doesnt care about you. He tries to make you see “reason” and makes you feel like you are just crazy and dont appreciate all the other things he does. You feel he obviously doesnt appreciate what YOU do, if not he wouldnt want to make things harder for you and you would have felt appreciated if he just would have helped doing that one tiny thing you asked! He couldnt put away his own glass?! Much less take initiative to help in other areas!!! Its obviously not about the glass anymore anyway!!!!
Perfectly said, Marjorie Drysdale! The point that you are missing, Christopher R. Grove, is that this is normally a much bigger issue than “one cup.” It’s one cup by the sink, one open drawer in the bedroom, one pair of used pants on the bathroom floor, one gum wrapper on the table by the front door. I am a mother of 5 children, and I don’t want to mother my husband. My husband despises having a dirty house, but somehow doesn’t equate that each little thing that he leaves undone is a little part of the equation. And since I do the lion’s share of the housework (as statistically, do most women) it is very disrespectful to me that he leaves his stuff everywhere, and then has the nerve to complain that our house is messy. Sometimes our house is perfectly clean, thanks to hours and hours of my hard work, and he leaves a glass beside the sink. So yeah, it pisses me off, because I know that it’s just the starting point to him leaving a trail of “mess” behind him in every room of our house. When I leave things out, I have to put them away myself, because I’m an adult. My expectations are pretty simple; that he too, should act like an adult.
Seriously? You don’t really think it’s just about the cup in the sink. The person leaving the cup in the sink is certainly showing the same behavior all over the house with all kinds of other items. The cup in the sink is only meant to be an example. You must have a very bad attitude about women if you’d actually think that one would throw away a whole relationship for such a small issue
If using the dishwasher, it doesn’t make any difference if you’re washing 1 glass or 8. Also, you don’t have to understand – if your spouse doesn’t like it, then they don’t like it. Not everything is subject to logic. “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
It’s also broader than housework or gender. If you go to your partner and say “This is a thing that is important to me, and I want to talk about it,” and your partner responds with something like:
“I won’t do your thing, you’re wrong, your thing is stupid, and only and emotional and irrational would give a shit about a thing that stupid,” well, it’s hard to believe that your partner cares about you, isn’t it? It sounds like they don’t only think badly of your thing, but they think badly of you.
(I’m not saying that Matt said most of these things outright – he seems to think that he implied some of these things, and others are drawn from other commenters.)
Little things are important – mostl because they’re part of communication, and communication is huge. That all being said, while I personally believe that any adult should be able to clean up after themselves, differences in neatness standards exist. They are hard to work around – I’m more of a neat freak that pretty much anyone I’ve lived with – but there are ways. Hiring cleaning help is high on my list. So are clear boundaries and picking your battles.
Catherine..taking your first paragraph…it’s my opinion that this woman doesn’t want this man anymore.
If the woman was bonkers for the man (as it should be both ways) – the mind would already be too full with thoughts of the other to even feel the discontent let alone want to talk about it.
Same is true for the guy..he wouldn’t be giving the woman anything to want to talk about if she was on his mind as she should be.
Exactly!!! 100 times this!!!! It’s about respect. We dont want to feel like we are their mother having to tell them to do things they should know they are supposed to do. We dont want to be picking up after them all the time for the sake of not “nagging” them either. And if we dont tell them and if we dont pick it up, the mess just keeps piling up. We cant win! The only way we win is when they grow up and realise they have to pull their weight, that things dont magically rearrange themselves or put themselves in order. If they can’t understand that, they simply dont respect you as a person they share their life and home with.
In my experience, this only happens with kids of SAHMs. Many (though not all) got used to the idea that food magically cooked itself, messes magically cleaned themselves up, etc…and grew up not valuing the effort that went into that “invisible” work. My ex was definitely like that. My current partner of ten years grew up an independent “latchkey” kid of a working single mother who was expected to run the house and cook, clean, take after his little brother and handle errands while mom was at work. Interestingly, he has never once expected messes to just magically “go away” with no effort! I can’t even begin to say how wonderful it is to live with a truly equal partner.
This is a very self-centered perspective above. I also leave dirty dishes by the sink, but there’s no deeper meaning than this: Why take 4 seconds to put one dish away every hour when I can take 12 seconds to put 6 dishes away at the end of the night? Maybe the math isn’t stellar, but I think many men could agree that it’s more efficient to get all your targets lined up and tear through a nice, big job! Anyway, as the one who does dishes in my household, I’ve never once felt insulted, disrespected, or as if my wife and kids don’t love me. They’re just frickin dishes, for Pete’s sake. When my spidey sense tells me that there’s a full load scattered around, I go into hunting mode, see how many I can carry at once, and then proceed to stack them in a glorious work of ceramic architecture.
Thank God my wife makes a bit of effort to understand MY thought process, because for a woman to dismiss a man’s behavior as childish or disrespectful on such an issue is as bad as a man dismissing a woman as overdramatic and hypersensitive. It’s like a fish hating a cat for breathing air and the cat hating the fish for living in water.
Understanding is a two-way street.
It’s not about being efficient, or who is right.
She wanted something, and he deliberately denied it her, even though it was four seconds at a time out of his day. That four seconds was too much for him to give her.
Now he’s not married. Seems like that four seconds, no matter what it was comprised of, could’ve been spent better.
Thank you SOOO much for your wise words. The man who wrote the article thinks he’s understanding but his words compared to yours, show that he’s still not getting it. He is still being condescending. He wouldn’t use the same language with male coworkers whom he considers his equals. There is still a hint of a double standard there.
I’m totally giving you the Tommy Lee Jones face right now. Or, this emoji: ?
I have a hundred guys calling me a sackless fag woman for writing this, and you think I’m somehow demonstrating male chauvinism?
I must have really nailed this one. 😉
I love this lol. Even in the end, women STILL need more. Matt, you might want to get that soul ready, buddy. You had your heart broken, so you tried to rationalize it- even though it took mental… fucking… hula hoops, you did it. Welcome to feminism 102: Why men are still pieces of garbage even if they completely agree with every aspect of any argument a woman presents.
My comment was supposed to be about what Marjorie said. didn’t realize that if I took too long, it would show up after someone else’s comment
Seriously Matt, don’t sweat the negative comments. Some will get it and some will disagree because they can. This is a great article but I’m not sure I would share it with my husband. I could see his hackles going up just like some of your commenters. Maybe he will see it on Facebook and reflect. I thank you for that.
Well said Marjorie. Too bad common sense doesn’t grow on trees.
My solution is drink from the facet. Believe me, you cannot correct every annoyance that she has with you. Maybe, it would be best for your wife to understand that she , along with most modern females, to expect everything to go their way? Reminds of a grown female child who is pitching a tantrum to selfishly please herself. Maybe she could take her glass and go home, since the game is not pleasing to her standards.
Reread the article. She did take her glass and go home. You totally missed the point of thevarticke.
Nope. I think the girls here are missing the point. You can’t throw temper tantrums because things don’t go your way. Life commitments shouldn’t be broken over a fucking glass in the sink. That’s how children work: something small (fucking tiny) is enough to ruin their entire world. The only reason he’s conceding is because his heart is broken and he’s put in all the Nobel prize winning research to figure it out.
Don’t pretend I’m not right here, Wayne.
My heart WAS broken. This was like three years ago. I’m totally cool. I’m trying to help people stay married.
You’re totally not helping. 🙂
No dude. I can’t accept the premise. I wish I could talk to you in real life and genuinely tell you that life… and relationships are about compromises. That no one stays married for 40 years (as my parents and my grandparents have) without finding at least one or two things they flat out HATE that their partner does, to love. But that’ll never happen.
Have you noticed the amount of WORK men are doing to rationalize how you came to this conclusion? Or that all the women here are effortlessly either agreeing, or asking for more? When these people meet, and have a relationships with one another, the idea isn’t for the man to give in on every issue- but for there to be a balance of compromises and fights to continue compromising. Forever. Because you love that person that much, that even though you hate something about them- you don’t hate them for it.
Sorry I can’t agree with this article at all. And it sounds like it was a very one-sided relationship. With her complaining about all her wants and not worrying about yours in the least. A relationship is suppose to be about much more than cleanliness, and dishes, and crap like that… 3rd wave feminism has really put the wrong kind of bug in womens ear. As if their husbands are suppose to work 40+ hours a week and come home and have to handle everything else, too. I’ve witnessed this first hand. It’s atrocious! I realize being a SAHM is quite a job but it’s not the same thing as slaving away at a factory or an office or even retail. Under the assumption that you were the bread winner… Your needs should have come first and she should have cleaned that damn dish herself.
I use women in this example because this is what your article is about. If the tables were turned and you were a SAHD I’d be blessing you out, too.
However, you assume a couple things not stated in the post. One you assume she didn’t care about his needs and two that she does not work. Also, cleaning up after yourself does not equate to “doing everything else”.
You obviously are inexperienced and dont know what you are talking about. How the hell do you know she was a sahm and he slaved away in a factory? This sort of thing happens in all kinds of relationships where one partner doesnt value the other or their time and feelings. Growing up, I watched my mother come home from work, do all the housework and take care of me and my sister while my dad coming home only one or too hrs after my mom came out of work sat down on the couch, claimed the tv and waited for dinner. After my mom served us dinner she bathed, got dressed, gathered her books and went to school. My dad hardly helped around the house. He wasnt messy, he was actually quite neet with his own things but, you think he helped with the other things that happen to pile up like dust or natural grime? You think he helped with me and my sister? My mom would come home exhausted and my parent would end up arguing in the weekends about the dirt and grime and mess piling up, my mom claimed he should help more, he thought he did plenty. In my situation, I have a guy that while he is great and not cold and emotionally abusive or sexist like my father, he is messy and we often have the same argument where he should pick up after himself. I work while he studies and I take up most of the house work since his studies are more demanding than my job. Im happy to do this but, I expect him to be considerate and not add to my plate. Its frustrating when they undermine your efforts to keep a clean, organised home and claim its no big deal when it clearly is to you. One little thing can add up to hours of cleaning and when you tell them, try to explain and they still dont think it matters it makes you believe they dont respect you or your time, energy, effort or feelings.
A selfish tyrant always demands
Reblogged this on YOURS IN STORYTELLING… and commented:
Okay – so I often do the dishes without being told. I do sometimes leave a dish or two somewhere where I ought not to with the promise to myself (that I generally keep) that I will grab those dishes up when I am filling the dishwasher. I do always ask my wife if there is ANYTHING I can pick up for her to make her day easier when I am going to the mall. Actually, just yesterday I took my fifteen dollar gift card that I was given as a Christmas and bought a cheap Chilean red wine which my wife loves and a bottle of banana bread beer, which I love.
I’m not too big on bed making though. Heck, I’m just going to sleep in it and mess it up again…
🙂
You sound very reasonable!
Man you are broken. Why do men have to change for women all the time? Why is it always our fault? Guess what…it’s not. You didn’t get divorced bc you left cups by the sink. You got divorced bc your ex was OCD and controlling, not to mention uptight and unable to compromise. There’s so many things wrong with this article. Thank her for leaving you and go find someone who is reasonable enough not to let the small stuff overshadow true love. Oh, and grow a pair. If I was constantly getting nagged for leaving a cup by the sink to reuse, I’d show her the door.
Well maybe when you are out of middle school, you can certainly show all the ladies who is boss!
I loved this Basically the same thing happened to us over my husband leaving toothpicks every where! We were separated for 4 months Eventually worked it out
So, did you use the elastic band device or did you just snip them off??
I don’t think they were ever there. Based on his other articles I believe that he actually is a woman.
C’mon now.
I am a wife. You are a genius
This is so spot-on. I’m going to try and get my husband to read it. I hope he takes it to heart.
Hi Matt, I read your article, and while I agree with most of it, there is 1 issue that I cannot accept.
“I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.
I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.”
This is a dangerous train of thought, because it basically says that logic does not apply, and that her way should be followed or she is being disrespected. How do you determine if her way is right or best if it cannot be rationalized? The alternative is to use feelings instead of logic, and even Hitler was doing what he “felt” was best.
If she has a view that eating meat is murder and you work at a hamburger joint, would you quit your job if she wanted you to? If you decline, are you “disrespecting” her according to this principle? Because she feels it is wrong, and you are doing something that goes against her standards.
This is why it is so dangerous. It is essentially letting people think that their opinion is THE way, and that others should follow it regardless of what their own values are. It is the same argument when Vegans get offended when people eat meat in their presence. It is the same argument when Westboro Church members get offended at LGBT’s in public.
You give several examples:
“Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.
Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.
Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.
Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”
Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.”
Problem is, you can put anything in there and equate it to “Caring about her”. If she truly believes in this, anything you do that differs from her view can be justified as “not caring about her” regardless of whether deliberate or accidental. As another individual human, there are bound to be one or ten thousand different instances where my actions are at odds with her values. Standards such as tidiness, hygiene, driving, budgeting, etc are all relative, what makes her standards better or worse than mine if it isn’t rationalized? I don’t agree that simply because she is the female in the relationship that her view is automatically given priority.
Relationships are 2 way, that’s what makes it difficult. Often, either both sides remain the same, or only 1 changes to be accommodating. The truth is, both sides have to communicate and compromise to work out a balance. I still believe in working it out logically, and both sides should try to agree on terms based on logic.
Anyways, just my 2 cents on this.
Perfect answer!
I agree. I hope this isn’t about doing something your wife wants you to do in order to make her happy. That does open a can of worms! What if it makes her happy for you never to watch a ball game? Yikes. (Sorry if I’m using a stereotype). Anyway, to me, this specific issue starts out simply—-should one do a fair share of the work load? Then it becomes a communication issue and then it becomes an emotional issue. Maybe the solution for this couple would have been to sit down and agree on a division of labor where he never had to deal with the dishes and in return did something she never wanted to do, like, say, take out the garbage. Some couples need to do this, and it makes for a more harmonious marriage. I have some friends who have done just this. My marriage is a little more lossey-goosey; if we see dishes that need to be done (we don’t have a dishwasher), one or the other of us will simply do them. End of problem. Other things are divided more traditionally—-he does the wood chopping, hauling and piling; I do most of the laundry and cooking. Works for us, and this arrangement just evolved over time. Maybe this couple needed a more specific arrangement to be delineated from the get-go. I don’t know. Great discussion, though, and I love how respectfully most of the readers have been in their responses to one another.
It’s good to see not everyone has turned into a logic abandoning cuck.
There are key differences between the examples that you listed that the author provided versus the ones that you came up for on your own. The author’s “Caring about her = ” are all things that are husbands cleaning up or preventing messes that they cause, while your examples are all about husbands going out of their way to make life better for their spouse, which is definitely nice on occasion but it isn’t a requirement. Except for the kid-related thing, this is not the woman’s job when both parents work full time. The husband shouldn’t take care of all kid-related things, and neither should the wife.
I do believe that it is fair for the husband to ask why it is important to her, but just because it doesn’t seem logical to you doesn’t mean it’s not logical to her. It’s extremely narcissistic to think that just because you don’t clearly see or understand the links that they don’t exist or they are unsubstantial. That is if you consider your wife an intelligent human being. I understand that my husband and I don’t agree on everything, but we acknowledge that both of our beliefs are reasonable because we are both two very rational people. Sometimes we do things his way because it’s something that he has more experience with or that he cares more about and feels more strongly towards, and sometimes we do things my way because of the same reasons. It ends up being an even push/pull, which is possible because we discuss when things bother us.
I believe that it is more about priority setting than logic. I put having a clean organized house on a higher priority level than my husband. That is because my stress levels rise when things get out of control (a few things out of place don’t bother me, but when it’s a week worth of things piled up, it really bothers me). Believe me, I do not wish to feel this way, but either it happens either intrinsically or I’ve been societally trained to feel that way and can’t help it. Also, I work under the assumption that things that are “out” will eventually be put up, so putting it up sooner as opposed to later doesn’t waste any time or energy. You might take something out and put it back a few more times than otherwise, but I believe this little waste of energy/time is worth not feeling stressed and having the satisfaction of being in a place where things feel put together. I have the time to pick up after myself, but I don’t have the time to pick up after myself AND my husband.
This all seems perfectly logically to me. And even if you explain in great detail why it’s not, it’s not going to magic the feelings of stress and anxiety away when the house is a wreck.
So even if you “win” the logic battle and do as you please, is that win really worth the pain you put someone else through because they don’t agree with you?
So basically women are just fragile, emotional, irrational creatures who we should never expect to see reason, and we should give in to their ridiculous demands at every chance so their barely held-together psyche doesn’t mistake us for someone that doesn’t care. Gotcha.
This is one of the most demeaning, anti-feminist things I’ve read in a long time. Men are just as capable of being petty and women are just as capable of being reasonable. In any decent relationship BOTH parties have to concede about things that they don’t personally care about but make their partner happy.
Well put
Don’t get married. Simple. Then they have no power over you and can’t no fault divorce you and take everything you’ve earned. MGTOW ftw
I’m fully supportive of this position.
I’m not a “Get married” advocate.
I’m a “Stay married” advocate.
While I think it’s super-impractical from a companionship standpoint to not pair up (especially for when we’re old and need assistance and are less mobile).
Otherwise, your Don’t Get Married advice WILL prevent divorce.
Thanks for reading.
I will ask my husband to read this article. He is a wonderful human being. We have this same argument over clothes hanging on the closet door and any other surface in his path. I work in a very chaotic environment and like to come home to some type of order. It makes me feel more relaxed. Everything you said about what I feel when he refuses to hang up his clothes is so true. It really is about respecting the one you love’s feelings and opinions even if you don’t agree or it does not make sense to you. Looks like you have figured some things out! Great article! If you are driving on a curvy mountain road in Colorado with your wife and she clearly is having anxiety and asks you to slow down, do you? If you don’t then she is hearing you say, “he doesn’t care that I am frightened.” Unreasonable? Maybe, but is it that important to hurt her by not slowing down? It doesn’t make you (meaning any man) less of a man, but a hero in her eyes. Such a simple thing……same as the glass, just put it in the dishwasher.
“Respecting the one you love’s feelings and opinions even if you don’t agree or it does not make sense to you” is one thing, but fretting over a cup that is to be reused during the day just because she is an OCD nut is another.
Im curious if your husband may simply be tired, worn-out, depressed and frustrated and that is why he hangs his clothes on the doorknob. That’s a classic sign.
I get very irritated when my kids or husband leaves a glass near the sink. And I have a perfectly logical reason for why.
We have two cats under one year old. They’re assholes, and have broken three cups and 2 bowls because people left them on the counter near the sink.
Despite making it very clear WHY these things cannot be left on the side of the sink, all three of the other humans in the house continue to do so – though my six year old son is making great progress in remembering to put stuff in the sink.
My husband’s way of dealing with it was to buy more plastic cups – which the cats have still managed to crack.
Now is this a marriage ending thing? Hell no. Is it aggravating as hell? Yes.
No, he is perfectly healthy and once again it is not about the cup or glass. It is about showing respect and love to your partner. The little things are what turn into the big things.
And I believe using words like OCD nut and nutty is part of Matt’s point. Very degrading, hurtful and direspectful.
“Men” invented everything? Maybe you should revisit actual history and how many women contributors there are to science and mechanics. I stopped reading exactly at that point, since it was clear inherent bias was the main meat of this.
I invite you to try to power through it again and see whether there was any mention of men inventing “everything.”
I’ll spell it out for you since you picked out the most irrelevant paragraph imaginable to get offended by.
Premise: Men are capable beings. Therefore, men can also be expected to learn best marital practices and perform them successfully.
But hey. Nice try making it about chauvinism.
The husband could be the type of guy that literally does 1000 other things FOR his wife as shows of love and respect and she will still focus on that one thing while pretty much dismissing or not recognizing the 1000 other things.
Men WILL and DO think that one could say just put the glass away and end of story but then it’s another thing and another because the glass is is just another thing forgotten or not recognized. Or the wife could just say it’s just a glass by the sink, it pales in comparison to the 1000 other things my husband has done and just let it go in which SHE shows love and respect to her man by recognizing and taking into consideration everything else.
My opinion is a successful relationship will meet in the middle and communicate the underlying thoughts rationally rather than the obvious ones emotionally.
Your first sentence hit the nail on the head. You can do 1000 things that you wouldn’t normally worry about out of respect for your wife but she will find that one thing you didn’t do and hold on to that for days, without making any mention of all the other things you do to make her life easier.
It really does feel like this sometimes.
Which is why I think this “glass by the sink” metaphor is so important.
It’s not about the chore. It’s about HOW SHE FEELS as a result of our choices. Make her feel safe and secure. Make her feel unquestionably loved.
How will you know? In return, you will NEVER feel like she’s being ungrateful because she will not get on you about “little things.”
Then she respects you. And you feel it. And she WANTS you. And you feel it.
All this man vs. woman stuff vanishes like magic when you just give enough.
Spot on … The men “complaining” about your article are the ones not willing to take the 4 seconds to love their wife.
My husband and I are in counseling where we share our “complaints” regarding one another so the counselor can get a perspective of why we argue so much.
My husband brought up a complaint he had about a complaint I had regarding a blue tote (the glass by the sink) … I actually was glad he did.
He began by saying that I criticize (his go to word) him for the smallest things … he sells on e bay and puts his packages in a tote, on the front porch, for the mailman to pick up. He was using a very bright and noticeable blue tote and it was often left there all day … everyday. It personally, bothered me to have a tote sit there … It didn’t “belong”. I took his need for the tote into consideration and asked myself what really bothered me about the tote? The color! I approached him “hey hon, that blue tote kinda “sticks out” on the porch, I have a black tote you can use that won’t look so “eye-catching”.” His reply was pleasing “yeah, good idea … the blue is a bit of an “eyesore”…” The problem … I hated the ugly blue tote and I didn’t want a tote there at all; he needed it there but never remembered to bring it in after the morning mail pick up. I figured our chat ended in a win-win … He got to leave black tote there and I could “deal” with that. Problem solved … so I thought. The next morning, on my way to work, I drive past our porch and there it was … the blue tote. When I got home, I asked him “did you find the black tote because I see the blue one is still there …” “Oh yes! Sorry, I just forgot to use that one … I’ll get the black one.” Ok? But ok … no problem … next time. Well, next time came and I drove by our house and … Yep, there it was … the blue tote … again. This time I didn’t wait until I got home to confront him. I voice texted “(his name) the blue tote again?” This time his response wasn’t so pleasing … He fired back at me with things like “what’s the big deal?!” And so on … It ended in a huge argument and me not talking to him for days. Which brought us to the discussion in counseling.
He explained the situation to our couselor with the “what’s the big deal?!” attitude and I let him. When he finished his complaint, I looked at our counselor and simply said “it’s not about the blue tote…”. The couselor nodded his head, agreeing and said ” it’s about him not following through …”. My heart was mended by a male (our couselor) confirmation that I’m not the “crazy wife” (woman) my husband describes me to be. My husband sat there like a deer in headlights. I looked at him and explained “we discussed something and came to an agreement … You didn’t follow through. I felt disrespected … like I don’t matter. THAT is a behavior issue, not a blue tote issue.”
We are still going to counseling … my husband has acknowledged that he is selfish and does not put others (me) before himself … unintentionally and most of the time unadmittingly. My husband is a good man. I chose counseling because of the blue tote …
It is “working” between us because he is willing to get to know his wife and her motives …
“The men “complaining” about your article are the ones not willing to take the 4 seconds to love their wife.”
BULL FUCKING SHIT! Almost all of the complaints show a concern for meeting in the middle but are peeved that this man has been steamrolled by an OCD basket case!
What I read from your long diatribe is that YOU DIDN’T FIX YOUR PROBLEM! You expected him to fix your problem! Did YOU go and pull the black tote out and change them? No!
THAT right there is your marital problem.
So… despite him agreeing to change something, and her agreeing to not throw a fit about the tote being out… again… you’re saying she should have just gone and fixed it.
What… is her husband six?
Would he be able to do that shit at a job and not expect a talking to? Attention to detail is important. In the military if you start your day with a scuffed boot (back in boot shining days anyways) you were going to get your butt handed to you. If you didn’t put a tool back in the right place while working flightline, even if nothing bad happened, you were gonna get your butt handed to you.
So why is it so hard to imagine that the wife would be pissed about having to come in behind him after the agreement had been reached?
It is a respect thing. And I got taught that by men. In the military. The attention to detail is about respecting things – your house, yourself, and the people around you.
I like how you put this glass/tote into perspective. You’re conclusion in being able to explain why it bothered you (he doesn’t follow through) is a good way to bring up a way to explain your feelings were not about the tote.
I think the main take away is that husbands and wives need to learn to voice what it is about the insignificant oversight that really bothers them.
This bizarre video help put it into perspective:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
It really isn’t about the cup/tote/nail is simply wanting to be heard.
Haha!! I LOVE that video. Thanks.
What a terrible waste of marital resources. Two people having to independently come up with different paths to the same goal, managing a household?
“She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.”
Or, and maybe I’m the crazy one here, maybe two adults talk to each other about what needs to be done, and come up with a plan to accomplish those necessities. You know, instead of having the expectation that your spouse is a mind reader, or knows all the same things as you, or is another version of you.
Any two people approach life and living in distinct ways. Requiring that one have the same knowledge base and expectations as the other does is ridiculous and absurd. And getting angry about an unspoken expectation going unfulfilled… that’s verging on narcissism.
You dont make sense? Its like you are trying to say men dont have the same mental capacity for figuring things out that women do. We, as adults should know that certain things have to be done to mantain order in different situations. If you have a home, you should know, being an adult and not a child, that you need to maintain it and the things that have to be done to do so. Why is it that your spouse can figure it out without being told and you cant. On top of that, she didnt get upset cause he didnt inherently know that the glass doesnt put itself away and he cant just leave dirty glasses on the counter. She explicitly told him and comunicated with him about it and he chose to ignore it. Only an idiot would then claim next tim,e when she get upset aout the glass, that he isnt a mind reader and didnt know he was supposed to put the glass away. Do your empoyers at work have to tell you everyday how to do your job? Do people have to remind you everyday to shower and put clothes on? Or are these thing you were told once or twice and you figure out you gotta do them. And even if you werent told explicitly, isnt there plenty aspect in life you just figured out you had to do on your own? Or did your mommy have to guide you through every single thing? Doesnt matter. Your spouse is not your mommy.
This article isn’t about the “dish”. It’s about feeling loved, respected, and “safe”. If you feel validated in your relationship, you wouldn’t care about the dish. And it works both ways, not just for the woman. When you know what your partner likes and expects and you don’t deliver, you are saying, “I don’t care about your feelings”. That’s it. That’s all there is…
Reblogged this on jisbell22 and commented:
Great thoughts worth reading.
submissive man
You wish. Pragmatic, kid.
I’m a married man and no girl has ever left me. So shut up, you’d have a lot to learn from, KID.
Neat.
BTW I’m also much older than you (getting to 50) and with undoubtedly FAR more experience with woman than you can dream of.
In all seriousness, I’m glad you’re married. I have no doubt you have many great qualities, even if effective communication with the written word isn’t one of them.
I didn’t mean “kid” as an insult. It’s a word I just say a lot when I’m talking to people. I call the old checkout lady at the story “young lady.”
I’m simply saying I’m pretty smart. I know why my divorce happened. I’m tying to help other guys like me (you’re clearly not one of them) see what happened to me so they can avoid some of the same missteps or maybe have good conversations with their partner.
Don’t read one thing I’ve written and tell me why my nine-year marriage ended.
No matter how much I can learn from you, you’ll continue to be wrong and out of line each time.
I do appreciate you commenting. I’m not used to a hundred people disagreeing with me.
It’s not that fun, but I appreciate you tuning in no matter how much you disagree with this stuff.
Yep. No sack.
What a great way to completely disregard the opinion of someone – and also manage to try to convince others to do the same.
It does show a disturbing lack of intelligence though. You might want to change how you do it.
I think it takes more ‘balls’ to be willing to work with someone even when you think it’s stupid. I think it takes more strength of character to admit you might have done something wrong, and to own your life.
To admit that other people’s opinions and feelings might actually be important enough to compromise over.
But hey – it’s not like Divorce is a horribly expensive event in life, right?
This reminds me of the movie “the breakup” where Jennifer Aniston asks Vince vahn to WANT to help her with the dishes. In which he curtly replies, “why would I want to help you with the dishes?!?” It’s not the actual act of doing the dishes, it’s the respect and effort to show that he cares about her.
As a woman, I realised that I need to not make it about the cup on the counter. Its not a personal attack. He simply doesn’t think that way. This type of thinking doesn’t come naturally (it’s actually surprisingly hard!) and I do have to stop and take a step back when I realise I’m getting upset over a nonserious situation. Which usually ends with me apologizing for not being more direct with the reason I’m upset.
In my opinion it’s as much on her as it is on him, but both have to acknowledge to make things work.
Best read in a long time, it is bang on what I’m going through. I’ve asked for a partner for far too many year’s, it’s been18 year’s married 4 kids later and he still has to ask what I 2ant done? Huh, look around anything would be appreciated. But I’ve learned I can’t install initiative and I can no longer parent my husband as I need a partner not another child.
This is so spot on right. Great depth and insight. I could have never explained it better than that.
This is a shoe that fits both male and female feet. It truly is just a matter of respect. I have asked my hubby of 40 plus years to please take off boots/shoes when entering the house. Many times he fails to do this. I used this analogy. He pours concrete for a living. I asked him at one point how he would feel if he had a nice just finished sidewalk and I decided I needed to get to the other side and walked right across his fresh concrete. It is the same thing. I would respect his hard work and he should respect mine. Period. I do what I can to make his life easier and he should do the same for me. We all “slip” once in a while and you get over that but when it happens time after time a person feels disrespected.
I think what you’re trying to get across here, that women and men should respect each other in the ways that the opposite spouse feels respected is important and true.
Commenters upset about the tagline, and saying you need to tell her where to go bc she was upset ab seemingly insignificant dishes, don’t seem to understand what is being shared here.
It seems to me, as if you’re saying that while you demanded respect from your wife, you were having a hard time seeing that in order to respect her in turn, she felt respect in different ways than you did. And this seemingly petty example, was just one of many ways that possibly had the same effect.
Possibly, also…Acts of Service could very well have been her love language, whereas yours might have been another, like: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, or Gifts. It’s hard to show love to another person effectively when we don’t know what their love language is or how it is that they feel loved, bc we try to love them in our language which makes more sense to us.
Also, loving your female spouse often drives her respect, which drives love on your end and emerges in an energizing cycle. Alternatively, unloving behavior drives her disrespect, which can drive your unloving attitude toward her, creating a “crazy cycle.”
So, I really think you were onto something here and I hope others can see what you were trying to get across as well!
Too long to read on the phone
But I get ʇɐɥʇ my wifey
Is tired of my reliance
On her to be the grown up
This is it exactly. You hit the nail on the head and put into words everything I felt for over 10 years.
Communication, try it different ways: ‘Why don’t you respect me when I ask you’…
Bonnie L. hits the nail on the head. If we didn’t have a good relationship modeled for us by our parents, we have to learn from each other, what the other expects. Respect each other, by communicating respect, first.
We learn bad habits over time and it may take time to change them. Have conversations about what is frustrating – without accusations or judgment. Have conversations of ‘what’ and ‘how’ – never assume he/she knows what is wrong or how to fix it. What and how – sex, finances, dirty dishes or muddy boots on the carpet – resolve the issues early in your relationship. Unless you want out – then don’t lie about love and string the other along.
The resentment and frustration of hidden truths can be devastating. My ex-wife minimized me and gave my son to her second husband – I could not respect her for this. My second wife minimized my son, and tried to give me her ex-husband’s children, by demonizing him – I could not respect her for this. Selfish motherhood can be evil, yet cloaked in love.
Even though men act like children, we still need respect
True. We should strive to earn it and deserve it. But yes. We require respect.
We don’t deserve it just for being.
But we DO deserve her best effort to demonstrate it by virtue of the marriage.
If men make their wives feel safe, she will respect and appreciate him.
Give to get. Always.
very submissive man and that’s the reason why she divorced him.
Now, THAT is spot on.
Repeating it will not make it true.
And playing red pill games might be great for short-term male-female attraction, but it’s a high-stakes gamble for long-term compatibility and companionship.
We’re all going to be 80 and wrinkly one day. Think about how you want to live when that day comes if you’re incapable of putting another human first now.
Spot on. They look nice and always try to please you
, but in the end you want to throw a shoe into their face.
It amazes me that when you first meet someone, you’ll do anything to get them to notice you. And then once you’re married, you won’t do the smallest thing to make them happy. I really don’t understand the “what’s in it for me?” mentality of some people. Sometimes it’s nice to do things for the simple reason that it’s the right thing to do. Actually that’s not entirely true. Not sometimes. ALL THE TIME! “Love” is an action. Don’t tell me you love me. Leave me with no doubt by the way you treat me. And I’ll do the same.
Wise, thoughtful take.
I think all of this depends on the type of partner you have. Every time I say “I’ve got this” I get verbally kicked in the nuts for not “communicating” with spouse about what I’m doing and how I am doing it before hand (because you see in feminist America they actually do want to be our mother and their way is the only way to get something done). Your spouse didn’t leave you because you left your drink glass in the sink, she left because she had 1 foot out the door already and was looking for a reason to put the other one out and close the door behind her and blame the whole thing on you. That’s how marriage in America is conducted today. Women have no reason or incentive to stay in a marriage whatsoever because the whole thing is nothing more than a license to acquire a man’s stuff, his money and his dignity without having to actually work for any of it. Anyone that disagrees with me can go sit in a family court or divorce court anytime they want to see hoow right I am. It’s no surprise that the marriage rates in America are dropping like a thermometer in Antarctica because women have been telling men for 50 years that they don’t need a man anymore (until the dreaded baby time bomb clock is about to explode and then it’s far too late) and men are finally listening and responding with “ha we don’t need you either!” ……marriage is bullshit.
The relationship is about her
The engagement is about her
The wedding is about her
The divorce will be about her
FORGETABOUTIT!!! #MGTOW
I would have loved it if my soon-to-be-ex had actually followed through even 1/4 of the times he said the equivalent of “I’ve got this”. It would have saved years of asking for help with literally *anything* he could bring himself to do other than beat off and play video games.
I was surprised to come across the title “SHE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE I LEFT DISHES BY THE SINK” and thought…that sounds about right. I only say that because I have seen the flip side. For over 10 years I have been the owner of a home services management firm (more than just housekeeping) and had male clients that would say things like, “If she thinks I’m going to marry her and she can’t even keep the house clean she’s crazy!” After hearing this time and time again I realize a lot of men really believe their wife/girl friend is there to be their personal cleaner. While some don’t mind paying to get her some help, he does not feel he is obligated to put the dirty socks he just took off in the laundry instead of where ever he may be sitting as they come off. ( I have even seen this in my male children – like they are born with it.) As mothers from day one we are teaching our male children there will/should be a woman to clean up after them.
It didn’t matter that she worked outside the home and tried to make everything easy and organized so it would make things less chaotic; if he didn’t want to use it he didn’t and pointed the finger at her. Now as a professional I don’t take sides I offer solutions. There were men that told me … yeah yeah yeah I know it works but I don’t feel like being bothered with it and she is just going to have to deal. (mouth wide open)
So I wrote a book to help ladies to be able to manage their home in just minutes a day. I have been able to use these services to keep my home running as well as; using them to please the most difficult clients. This book was designed to give the home managers a blueprint to making home maintenance easier and take less time. With these tips husbands and wives won’t have house cleaning to argue about.
I have seen a lack of appreciation on the side of the men and I am happy to see you address that and say, in so many words, you could have done better. I respect your honesty in that you didn’t think you were going to change even though you realized you could have done better. For so long house cleaning has been said to be a “woman’s” job men take that to mean live in housekeeper. While I believe there needs to be more teamwork in keeping the house managed and clean, this scenario of women getting fed up and walking away because of the lack of support is going to be repeated in households no matter what the consequences to their household.
I hope your next relationship works out better! All the best! If you want to get my book: getBook.at/badwife.
I have been married for 20 years now. We have six kids. There have been real issues to work through. Important issues. Life and death issues. I think it’s very true, on a microcosm level, that little things matter. But so does tolerance. You had a perfectly reasonable explanation for WHY you would leave a cup by the sink. Given such an explanation, it absolutely makes sense that the cup would remain by the sink. Partnership is give and take. If I want a cup in the dishwasher, I will put it in. I hope your ex wife has determined that she should remain single, because she has unrealistic expectations for partnering. Partnering is SO MUCH MORE important than divorcing over microcosm issues. Life gives us Macrocosm issues, and plenty of them, if we have the salt to stick it out…and that is when marriage starts to thicken and deepen…and then you can start to understand that the little things are your opportunity to learn to practice the breath work required for those cliff hanging moments where your fingers are slipping, but your partner grabs your wrist and pulls you back up over the ledge. Yeah. It can get THAT hard. So, after 20 years, I would rather see that my husband left a dish on the sink than to see his spot on the bed empty forever. And that happens too, in life. Someday one of us will die first. And I’m positive that on that day, if one of us left a glass on the sink, it will be never washed again and will be left on the sink always so that we can drink from That exact spot where lips from true love drank last.
Because THAT is how you feel when you understand the soul level of partnership.
So yes, pay attention to little things, but if little things lead to divorce, you were never really married in the first place.
This is the best comment, Sara! Put into words exactly what I was thinking. Married 37 years-5 children.My favorite sentence-“So, after 20 years, I would rather see that my husband left a dish on the sink than to see his spot on the bed empty forever.”
What a beautiful comment. You obviously understand the true meaning of love and marriage. Your statement about the glass never being washed again on the day that one of you died was very touching
Oh my! Very insightful. I think that sometimes we have to just accept the other person’s wishes if it will make them feel appreciated. If it is something that doesn’t bother me much, I just go along as it matters much more to my spouse.
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I dont think some of you read the article very closely. This man has realized the problem with a lot of marriages, relationships of all kind in general, but unfortunately he realized it too late. You can’t demand respect if you don’t give it in return. By his not doing that one simple act, then he showed his wife that he didn’t respect her at all, and made her feel he didn’t love her either. Yet I’m sure he complained if she did something that made him feel disrespected and unloved. He said she took great care of him and the home, he never said she didn’t also work outside of the home. Why is it that when a woman needs her husband to do something that is so simple to feel respected by him, then she’s demanding or a nag, but when a man needs actions and words from the wife to feel the same respect, then it’s ok? Why does that not make him a nag as well? Like he said, it would have taken four seconds to put the dish in the dishwasher and show his wife that he did love and appreciate her, as she did things to show she loved and appreciated him, yet he couldn’t take four seconds to do that?? That’s messed up, and ironically sums up the problem with this whole world in a nutshell. People expect others to take the time to do things to show them appreciation, but those same people don’t feel they should have to put forth even four seconds of their time doing things to show appreciation to anyone else. People feel they are just “entitled” because of who they are or what position they hold. Wake up folks, you came into this world butt naked with nothing and you’ll leave it the same, so in all actuality, you aren’t “entitled” to anything. Get off your butts and take a few seconds of your precious life to show someone you care for and appreciate them, and you just might be surprised by what you get in return. Until you do that, then stop complaining about what you get or aren’t getting from them, or how your life is going. Take responsibility for your on actions that cause failure, learn from them and make a change in yourself. As a mentor of mine has always said………..”You get what you deserve!”
This is the best article! My husband I were experiencing something similar. I asked him to read it and the light bulb went off. He actually apologized for his behavior. Thank you for putting this in terms that made it easy for him to understand.
That wasn’t why she divorced him. It was that, 30 other things and a lack of respect for each other. And “I got this” doesn’t always work. My ex was unhappy with me because “I got this” a lot and she felt that took away her independence and made her feel less useful.
So damned one way, and the other way too…
Man, you are missing the point. It is not her, it is YOU who is a doormat, that is why she treats you like one. You should have answered like a MAN the very first time she scolded you about the glass. She would have respected you more from that moment on and never brought it up again. You should have said-” Honey,this is the way I roll, deal with it. And please never tell me what to do in such a manner”. There are plenty of man who confuse being a man/husband with being a doormat/a scape goat.
By far the best article I’ve read in my life. Words could not be truer.
This post almost makes me cry. It’s exactly everything I want my husband to understand when we’re currently at our wits end. Thank you for taking the time to write this in an honest way from both perspectives. I’ve passed it on to him with hopes that somethings that I can’t explain can be better understood from a man saying the same things.
This is my marriage. I feel like a mother more than a partner. Like everything is on my shoulders and I don’t know how much longer they can carry the burden alone. Resentful that I’m carrying the load alone. I don’t hide my feelings. My husband knows. But it feels like he cares more about his happiness than mine. I’m not giving up but I would be lying to say I haven’t wanted to.
Spot on!
So glad me or my husband are not that petty. He both leave dishes by the sink and we both do the the dishes. There are far more important things to worry about in the world then a damn glass. Maybe she needed to look into herself more and find out truly why a stupid glass was such an issue for her. We are all human and have idiosyncrasies and we all should be able to learn to live with each other’s. Maybe should have looked at the many things the husband does right and compare that to a silly glass. Your feeling of selfworth and respect should come from yourself first not a glass. imo
And yes we have a wonderful marriage going on 18 years.
Did you become angry when it was YOUR job to snake the crap out of clogged toilet or lay on your back on the cold driveway to fix her car. No, you just did it. Did you leave her because she left the lights on all over the house or bought 200$ worth of candles when you were ‘short’ this month… No. You put the seat down on the toilet after you pee, didn’t you… She doesn’t pick it up for you when she is done, does she. Honestly, if she left you over a dirty glass, there were much bigger things going on. We all have our quirks and a dirty glass is a small thing that can be sucked up if she really loved you I the first place.
Her loss. She needs to learn to chill out. If she’s that insecure about your love for her, then she was never sure to begin with. It’s about her issues, not yours.
My husband and I are parting ways because of this very thing. ONLY, both of us do these things that annoy each other. I’d ask him if things were ok and the only response I would get is “it’s fine, I’m not your dad”. But he ended up being more like my dad than he thought. And I can’t be his mom and tell him what he needs to do because he’s grown and should know better.
I feel like if we loved each other, it wouldn’t have ended up this way. But it’s because we communicate differently and assign different values to things.
You say “I can’t be his mom and tell him what he needs to do because he’s grown and should know better” And THAT is exactly the point of the article above.
First is this something he NEEDS to do, or something you WANT him to do? To men there is a radical difference between NEED and WANT. To men, things that NEED to be done NEED a reason for that need; I need to properly inflate the tires on the car BECAUSE low pressure is dangerous, my wife could be injured if the tires are low, low tires wear faster costing money. I have a reason for the NEED.
If its something you WANT him to do, he’ll need a reason, and that reason must be sufficient motivation. I am aesthetically blind when it comes to interior design, don;t even see it, much less think about how it looks. I close the curtain because there is a glare on the TV, she WANTS the closed curtains to be symmetrically placed with no discernible gaps in the middle or the edges. Finally, instead of nagging me about sloppy curtains, she sat down and explained that uneven curtains were an OCD issue with her and seeing them uneven just went straight up her nose like dragging a car key down a paint job. She went though an instruction period teaching me how to align the curtains, and now, having a reason for being concerned about the curtains I do much better at aligning them (although she STILL readjusts them when I’m done). She had a WANT, explain to me that it was important to her, and WHY it was important to her and gave me one on one instructions on HOW to accomplish the task.
You seem to believe that because he is grown he should KNOW what YOU want and need. You’re grown, do you know how to Check the transmission fluid on your car, do you know how to skin a deer, tie a lure, sharpen an ax?? I grew up knowing how to take care of ME and the things that were important to ME. Things that were or are important to someone else are as foreign to ME as the ‘need’ to watch one of those ignorant “Housewives of where ever” shows. Not only do I not know anything about it, it’s not even on my radar to look for. My wife discovered this AFTER we were married, but, smart lady that she is, she understood it was not about her, it was about what I knew and understood. So she made it a point to instruct me on her desires and reasons (the curtain). Some 41 years later, I’m still learning, still missing, still forgetting, still being me, but I hit more often than I used to, and she sees the effort.
Short answer, don’t assume anyone (especially a man) knows anything that you haven’t told them. If you want someone (especially a man) to be as concerned over an issue as you are, you must provides that individual with the reasons you are concerned; “because I do”, is a poor reason to a man and will have less than stellar results. If you don;t know why it is a concern to you, then explain that, tell him you don’t know why it makes you nuts, but it does drive you up a wall. A guy can relate to that, that squeak makes us nuts, and we’ll dismantle the truck looking for it.
Love, like many things is a choice. I CHOOSE to love my wife regardless of her actions; what she does or does not do, or even her choice to love me or not. I CHOOSE to love her in spite, or maybe because of all the things about her that make me nuts. I CHOOSE to love her every morning when I get up and every evening when I go to bed and every minute in between. Does that mean I auto-magically understand her every want or desire, not at all, doesn’t even mean I notice them. What that means is when I DO finally see and understand I will do everything I can to meet those needs and desires. I am blessed with a wife that understands I’m a guy, the same guy she chose to love all those years ago.
To quote Bette Davis, “.. I suspect you are a treasure.”.
Yep, this helps! Wish you were here with me and my cigarette-smoking, COPD-suffering, stubborn Aries, retired military, coughing, conflicted, precious man who’s (clumsily) asked me about getting married but his smoking is creating similar female reactions for me, along with his possible kicking the bucket too soon. Scares me bad, and I TRY NOT to nag! But mornings often I’m not so strong and his inhalers w/ cigarettes w/ long coughing spells w/ smelly breath, I’m in tears with fear and wondering, “What the hell am I thinking!?”.
I look forward to counseling here and reading your blogs. Bless you, and I’m sorry for he loss of your marriage.. you’re more than making up for any misunderstood maleness.
Thanks a million!
As the mom of two teen children, one a son, I realize much of the problem comes about through poor parenting. I am not my children’s servant, they are not entitled. I will gladly do things for them if asked, but it had better not be an expectation. What does this do? It prepares them for adult relationships in which they have few expectations and much appreciation.
Oh, I deal with my own spousal annoyances from time to time. Just this morning I awoke to a sink full of dirty breakfast dishes and thought,” The dishwasher is half a step away, why does he expect ME to take care of it?” But in the same second of thought processing, I recall how he took time to change the oil yesterday on the car I drive and how he fixed the leaking roof and how he intentionally sets aside his own agenda to play a board game with our kids. Darn it, I can move the dishes into the dishwasher as his partner. After all, when we married we became ONE, not two. Together we can do this thing.
In raising our children to be future spouses I want them to be givers, not takers. I want them to recognize and appreciate the good they see, not be fault finders. I want them to seek spouses with those same servant hearts; and if they do, they will have happy homes.
*2 thumbs up*
There is hope for this world!! Thank you for being good parents and good people. You just made my day. ?
Amen! Great job, mama!!! <3
It’s still pretty one sided. First off, no one will leave you over a glass, but it’s all the other littke things that can be troublesome. Respect in a marriage works both ways. I could care less if my hubby leaves dishes by the sink- although, he usually rinses them off, and puts them in the sink.Little things do matter, and they do add up. I do not nag, I ask once, and maybe remind him after dome time, but that’s it.
Did you not read this article in its entirety? I feel you are missing the point of the whole story. How sad.
Exactly, Leah.
Leah, you are right. Becky missed the point, which is very obvious, true, and fair. She might be reading it w/ bitterness still reigning in her emotions. Very sad indeed.
This made me cry. Not just “tears in her eyes” cry, but actual sobs. I’m in this situation now, the stressed-out, only wage earner, primary housekeeper, ‘living with an abscessed tooth so he can go to karaoke weekly and I can actually enjoy some peace” soon-to-be ex-wife with the self-centered soon-to-be ex-husband. The fights got so bad, and so long, and on-going, that I didn’t just feel hurt and ignored. I came all the way around to raging right back at him, waking neighbors, and wishing him– and myself– dead.
So I left.
I’m sending this to his therapist. Thanks for putting it all into words so succinctly.
awww… I’m sorry to hear this! 🙁
Why didn’t you go to karaoke with him? If he goes every week, it’s obviously something he enjoyed. Why not enjoy it with him? It takes effort on both sides.
Are you kidding? Did you read the post? She wants him to go so she can “actually enjoy some peace”.
I worked 50 hr+/week at minimum wage or just above between two or three jobs; he worked 8-12hr/week at minimum wage and went to karaoke at 4 different places (Tues, Wed, Fri, & alternating Saturdays). I’d occasionally go with him to one if I by some miracle had the day off the next day, but for the most part, when I got home, I wanted: food, a shower, a chance to read a book for an hour, and sleep, not necessarily in that order. Every ounce of my free time above work was his, either by direct contact (trade shows for his business, family events, etc.) or indirectly (picking his empty beer bottles up from the bedroom floor, cleaning our apartment, taking care of his pets, etc.) It took me a good 2 years to remember that I was entitled to that one night a week of time to reset myself. I hope you don’t think that I wasn’t, because it would join some of your other comments as proof that you’re far too immature to be in a serious relationship at this point.
IMHO, that was just about the best article i have ever read on this “most misunderstood” part of marriage. Nobody ever teaches us about the diametrically opposing forces (logic versus feelings)… at play in this type of scenario, which constantly repeats itself daily throughout the life of a marriage. Logic has no place in this conversation. Husbands simply have no clue about why a wife could possibly become upset over something as “silly” as leaving a glass by the sink. After being happily (relatively) married 45 years, i just learned about this extremely important aspect of marriage a year ago, when after taking a seminar with the Forum, i realized that i didn’t know what i didn’t know. Your essay was spot on.
Your blog should be sent to every husband in America…which would probably result in a significant reduction in divorces + a significant spike in the happiness threshold of wives all across our great Country!
I agree with you about the quality of this article. However, some husbands just don’t care to know (or care at all) about their spouse’s feelings, even when she has expressed the same sentiments the author has talked about for years. When he likes having a mother instead of a wife, no quality ground is strived for. In turn, love from her goes away and is replaced with apathy and resentment. I know this first hand, unfortunately. I do hope husbands who read this will take it to heart, as you did learning it at a seminar. Kudos.
Could you please provide more information on the seminar you went to? I would like to go to something like it. Thanks
It was called LANDMARK FORUM. It is a full three day intensive course about learning how to live a better and more enjoyable life. Do a little background search first…but before you sign up, feel free to contact me and I would be glad to give you the benefit of what I think was very good….versus very bad.
Thus article made me cry. You were spot on with your words. I shared it with my son and told him he must remember this article every single moment of his relationship/marriage when he chooses his life partner. Thank you.
Awesome
As a single male, this article made me want to stay single until I die. I barely have time, between working for a living and just living, to have to take care of someone else’s little mental problems. I’d just end up doing everything all the time to stop them complaining, and that sounds less than ideal.
As a married female, good. Stay single. We don’t want to marry men like you.
If you love someone as much (or more than) yourself, it doesn’t feel like a burden to do little things that make them feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. Just enjoy being (obviously) young and single. You may change your thinking about it for the right person, you may not. But at least you took the time to read this and have the opportunity to think about it down the line when this comes up in one of your relationships. Because it will. It (ime) always does.
This article at its core really is about listening to the other person carefully, as someone already said.
In my case, we talked to a fertility doc after my miscarriage and she laid out the plan for us which included invasive testing and hormone injections for me along with steroidal supplements etc.. But the recommendation for my husband was simple: take a multivitamin every day.
A few days later he still hadn’t bought them. I was upset that while I had already gone through so much physically he wasn’t doing this one simple thing. So I said that to him once rather than continuing to stew.
He said he hadn’t thought it would make a difference so he hadn’t bothered. He immediately went to the store and bought some and started the daily regiment.
I can’t tell you how glad I was every time I saw that bottle sitting around. It reminded me that we are a team.
No idea if it actually made a difference but we are expecting this summer.
A lot of folks here seem to think folks only notice the one thing their partners do wrong but I know some of us really appreciate the small things folks do for us, especially if we have been in other relationships where our partner did not make the effort.
Conversely, being taken for granted sucks in any direction. A pattern of having our partners ignore our feelings is really destructive. This is not a gendered statement… You didn’t about the dishes but you probably cared about some other thing and would have noticed if it was ignored long enough.
Spot on!!! Thank you for writing this artcle, I hope it goes viral lol! You described my relationship and probably a million others to a Tee. Men and women need all the help we can get to navigate our way through relationships successfully ?
If it wasn’t the stupid glass, it would have been something else.
As it turns out, it WAS something else.
Thanks for reading!
Dude! What an awesome post! I’m not even of marriageable age.. I’m too young to understand the institution of marriage but still loved it. The way you have written it.. It’s so beautiful! There’s just so much to take! And to learn from! Hats off to you! ?
I think this was a great article. Every marriage has their “glass on the counter”. And unless you are married to a clone of yourself, you can, with thought, pick apart anyone. Ask any married couple and if they are honest there will be one or two or….. Issues that reoccur as themes they work on. But I think the major key words are “work on”. If there is an honest effort to make change or find solutions on both parts, you have a working partnership. If not, you have one person who is reasonably content getting their way all the time, and one walking away continually hurt and resentful. Not really the recipe for long term marital bliss.
It may sound like I have it all figured out, oh no! Both my husband and I are in counseling separately dealing with demons that were interfering with our life and marriage. My husband works, and my business is out of my home so we are both busy. I don’t mind doing “chores”. Wash, taking garbage out, meals, etc. What has driven me crazy for many years is that my husband uses the kitchen counters, all of them, to file and organize his mail and the bills. I have helped him try many different systems over the years to make this more efficient ( bills are always being lost) but none have worked for him. He does have an office for this but has chosen not to use it.
This time we approached our general issues, including the mail, differently. We talked about how we would like our lives to be, look like and feel like. Imagine that, talking to each other. ? I’m sure like any plan we will have to tweek things a bit. But it’s better than letting frustration and resentment throw away a 35 year investment.
This is an insightful piece, and it definitely applies to all people of this archetype! I leave my dishes out all the time, much to the chagrin of my husband (me being a woman). And i can also be totally stubborn and obstinate about things that seem illogical or trivial to me. And my husband can sometimes seem intentionally surly when I do things that bother him.
It’s easy to put a gender on things, and is something we’ve been conditioned to do all our lives. It’s made me wonder many times whether I was a total weirdo! Luckily I’ve met lot of other weirdos and realized personality types are really what we’re experiencing, rather than gender roles.
Thanks so much for writing this piece. I’m sitting here eating lunch, and would have probably thrown my plate in the sink like I always do. Even though he hates it. You’ve made me reconsider that course of action!
No shit. I feel like I’m drowning over here. I don’t care about a glass, I just want to be a priority for my husband. Like, I would even settle to be in the top 5 of his priorities. It breaks my heart because I do love him, and I keep saying it will get better. But, I’ve been begging for a change for over a year. I feel defeated, and alone. He says I’m too emotional and to find a surrogate husband to “woo” me. His words, not mine. His bitter, acid laced words. They break my heart every fucking time.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Marital counseling, individual therapy, or at least finding a support group. Lacking effective communication between you seems to be at the root of this, and those sources can help you both develop those skills and create a plan of action to address any resolvable issues. He has to be on board too though, it can’t be all on you. If your partner refuses to act like one, then you’ll have to decide your limits. You deserve healthy compromise and to feel acknowledged and loved. Good luck and best wishes. <3
Have him read this article then your comment. If it doesn’t affect him on any kind of emotional level, maybe you should seek professional guidance.
Have him read this article then your comment. If it does not affect him emotionally in any way consider seeking professional guidance. Best of luck.
Therapy. 100%.
It sounds like you need some marriage counseling. If your husband refuses to go, go without him. Find out why you’re with someone who treats you this way. You can’t go on feeling this way. It’s bad for your mental & physical well being. I wish you the best.
I know I will probably get pounded on for this, but here goes: ditch the”couple” therapy suggestions, because it takes 2 people to go into therapy, when you’re in a marriage. Just you going, or him going but not wanting to be there or try to understand or change his behavior is not going to work. As I’m sure you are already aware of. I think you pretty much nailed what you want on the head: “I don’t care about a glass. I just want to be a priority for my husband”. And I think he pretty much nailed his response to what you want: “You’re too emotional, find a surrogate husband to woo you”. IMHO, when a man feels he doesn’t need to “woo” his woman (be nice, don’t call her names, do nice and thoughful things for her just because, be a partner and not a problem), and/or when a woman doesn’t feel she needs to do things that matter to her husband (don’t wear comfy clothes ALL the time, take an interest in her appearance, reach out and TOUCH him, initiate sex instead of making him do it all the time), this is when marriage has taken that turn to divorce. BOTH people have to care enough to do things for one another, and work together in the marriage. Otherwise, one person is just, as another reader said, “getting their way all the time”, and the other is pretty much slaving away all the time. From what your husband said, he’s not interested in what makes you feel good, he’s not interested in changing in any way to make you feel good, and you need to “look elsewhere” if you want to feel good. Ball is in your court: what do YOU want, and what are you willing to do to get it? Stay and continue, or leave and find someone who WILL put your feeling good as a priority. And, yeah, if you decide to leave, a little therapy before looking for another mate is probably a good idea too. At that point, the therapy is about You and not your marriage: what you want, what your expectations are, and tools to change yourself into who you want to be.
I co-sign with this wholeheartedly.
With all due respect to savvy Ph.Ds and well-meaning counselors, I’ve adopted what seems to be a slightly controversial belief that COUPLES marriage counseling is a horrible idea.
I wrote a couple posts called Why Marriage Counseling is a Bad Idea. I don’t remember whether they were good. But I do know that the premise was what you said here.
Individual counseling is great. Talk stuff out. Figure out who and what you are and how you fit into whatever is broken and whatever the solution is.
When we wait for other people to change on our behalf, bad things ensue. So many me have accused me of saying men should change for their wives.
I’ve said nothing of the sort. I have barely addressed wives at all. I don’t think it’s my place.
What I said was, be responsible for making your marriage great. Give your best.
When we approach counseling with that mindset, we grow and maybe our marriages make a comeback.
When two super-hurt and angry people sit down with a stranger and take turns telling her/him all the things their spouses do that make them miserable, very bad things happen next.
Less finger pointing. More introspection.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think this idea is important.
I was where you are now about 3 years ago. All I can say is: talk to a counselor, without him. A good “couples” counselor is probably going to tell you the following: you have to work on yourself regarding this problem separate from the other half of the relationship. Then, you can work on the “together” part “together”. So, get thee to a PhD. If your GP thinks you need it, don’t be afraid of an antidepressant. Up your Vit D intake if you don’t already supplement. *Then*, start trying to process. And if he gets on board after you start healing, good. If not… well, then you’ve got your answer.
While I agree that husbands are to love their wives and women are to respect their husbands (this is biblical, by the way), I also believe communication (respectful communication, not nagging) is key to a good marriage. Neither husbands nor wives are psychic.
My husband and I will soon celebrate 46 years of marriage, and we love each other more now than ever. We haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything, and many things have taken time and patience to work through. And some things just need to be overlooked or accepted because they really aren’t that important or worth fighting over. Petty grievances can grow into mountains if we let them. He still likes the toilet seat up and I like it down. It’s his house too. He has to raise it. I have to lower it. Sounds like a pretty fair deal to me. He still leaves his cereal box sitting below the cabinet where it is stored rather than actually opening the door and putting it away. Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I laugh, roll my eyes and put it away. I don’t get all bent out of shape and think he’s showing disrespect to me.
I’m just so thankful to have my man, my best friend here with me to share this life we have. I’m grateful for hugs when I’m feeling the need for comfort, for the warmth of his presence in the bed next to me, and to see his smile across the table or across a crowded room.
Let’s focus more on the good and less on the bad. Love is too valuable to throw it away over petty, inconsequential things.
Gail. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!
I feel like this is the most appropriate response of them all.
A marriage is a partnership and doing things differently, thinking differently and putting or leaving things in the house will annoy people but the minute you understand that we are different these little things should be inconsequential.
I feel like a person who gets annoyed at toothpaste being squeezed a certain way so to speak has way bigger personal issues to deal with.
No matter the person they marry, there will always be a “glass” or a “toothpaste” that will annoy them until they learn that love overlooks faults, shortcomings and chooses to focus on bigger, more important things.
To be perfectly honest, perhaps these two types of personality (care on the extreme or not care at all) are always going to be incompatible no matter what until one person caves and chooses to let go.
I really think this is unfair to lots of men who could hire a maid in a heartbeat so that no dishes are left in the sink at all ever. But their wives will not admit this is ever the right solution.
I also think the notion that by not doing something the wife deems important means you disrespect her is wrong. There are a number of things that women do or choose not to do that annoys men but we will never, ever let it escalate to the point of a divorce. I wish it was mutually true.
Hi Matt. I love what you have written in this article! I have thought long and hard about the differences between men and women, especially when it comes to approaches to relationships. My marriage of 15 years broke up about 10 years ago, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I did that led to that breakdown. I have some theories, and I look forward to the day – hopefully – when I can put those theories into practice in another relationship, but for now I’m just doing the best I can to make myself a better person. Sounds like you too have that mindset. I wonder if I can ask you to define for me what men mean when they say they want respect. What does that really mean? I know that it is important – perhaps the most important thing to men – but when I’ve asked other men what they mean when they say it, no one can give me a really good answer. Can you?
I trust my internal compass to know when I’m being disrespected. It doesn’t mean it’s accurate. It just means I’ve convinced myself I’m pretty good at evaluating fairness.
I think with someone as close to me as a spouse, I could always tell the difference.
I could try to tell you what it means to me. But it’s somewhat intangible, right? I mean, context and relativity often matter.
I think MOST men feel disrespected when their wives nag them about something like a glass.
It really does come off petty in a certain context.
But I see it differently today than I did five or 10 years ago.
Now I know it’s not the glass. I’ve read a million things. Had a million talks. Written a million words. And despite the naysayers’ best attempt to discredit it, I’m MOSTLY right about all this.
There are no absolutes. People are unique. There are statistical outliers. And as many have mentioned, the specifics of a tidy home are not limited to biological gender differences. Has more to do with cultural differences and who is doing what professionally and wage-earning-wise.
But I live in the real world. Where stereotypes are frequently true. Stereotyping is very bad when you are discriminating. We are not doing that here. We are trying to get people to understand and celebrate differences rather than fruitlessly fight them and end up divorced.
It ultimately boils down to this:
Most married men feel like they’re pretty cool and don’t ask for much. They want to share resources, keep one another company, have sex, support one another. And any man not trying to sleep with other women feels like he deserves the benefit of the doubt RE: “You can count on me. Stop saying I’m not here for you.”
Men feel like they don’t ask for much. They feel like their preference for NOT being hassled isn’t too much to ask for.
I know. It’s 100-percent how I always felt.
Men are forced to give up things men love when they get married. The brotherhood and camaraderie of team sports and their tribe. A lot of wives see a bunch of immature boys burping, mock air humping each other and shooting belittling insults toward one another and believe her boyfriend/husband will be better off without them.
When he pairs up, this fundamental part of his identity is taken away from him.
It’s LOSS. And roll your eyes all you want, we grieve.
I’d like to see the divorce stats on married men who live in their hometowns and have a critical mass of lifelong friends around them, or one who stayed in his college town and had the same, and then stayed connected to the tribe through marriage and adulthood, often including his wife in the tribe activities.
So long as she is included (and not abandoned at home) I would assume you’d see an eye-opening difference in relationship success rates.
It’s something not discussed enough.
A man gives up his identity and promises her forever even though he’s a little bit scared. You know the stereotypes. Fear of commitment. Fear of freedom loss.
He’s like: “I’ve given up my life for this woman. I love her and am faithful. I gladly share resources with her. I am a reliable financial and physical partner. I am a reliable, trustworthy parenting partner…
“And you’re going to freak out about this GLASS!?! W. T. F.”
Conclusion: “She doesn’t respect me.”
But you and I both know there are a handful of small things he could do or say daily that would ALWAYS keep dirty dishes in the appropriate category. (Not important.)
It’s only important when it’s part of huge mosaic of disrespect and emotional neglect and abandonment.
Many men have no idea–NONE–that their actions equate to emotional neglect and abandonment. Feelings which cause her to say and do things that feel disrespectful. Because she HAS stopped respecting him.
Game over.
I think we can do better. I’m so glad we’re talking about it.
Yes, I think you’ve nailed it when you say that she HAS stopped respecting him. And I think that comes from her having the perhaps correct sense that, as you describe, he feels like he has sacrificed a lot to be in the marriage and so she shouldn’t ask for too much more. It’s sort of like he’s thinking to himself “You should be grateful that I’m earning money for our partnership and that I’m not sleeping around. What more do you want.” Is that correct? I see that you now see that the glass matters and that a part of her moves away from him when he continually chooses not to honor her request (maybe nagging, but maybe not) that he make the effort for her. But I guess my remaining question is what should she do when she feels that he is disregarding her requests? One thing I’ve thought about – and I don’t know how well this would work – is that if I were to get remarried I would do everything I could to maintain a feeling of gratitude for every single thing that he was doing that makes my life easier. I have lived for a long time by myself, and I have become very self-sufficient. All household tasks fall onto my shoulders and I do them willingly because there simply isn’t anyone else around to share the load. What if I could go into another relationship with the expectation that I would keep doing all those things, and then when he willingly offers to do any of them, I respond with gratitude. I think that would work as long as he voluntarily did offer to take some things on. But what if he thinks that he is already doing me a huge favor by giving up his tribe and his freedom and all that and so he never offers to do the things that ease my burden? It would be extremely hard in that situation to maintain a happy attitude about doing all of the household chores. And I’m not sure it would be healthy either. So it takes both partners coming to the table with this question in their hearts: How can I help you and ease your burden? Once either party feels that he or she needs to defend his or her turf, then you’ve moved into a scrabble for respect, fairness, and love, and that’s hard to recover from.
Thanks for your frankness about what goes through a man’s mind. It’s really helpful.
I am really appreciative for this perspective and your ability to put so much into words. I think Kristin was asking what things can a woman do to make a man feel respected and loved so we can avoid “petty” things festering into bigger issues. I think there are a lot of books out there about how people “receive” love (5 Love Languages, etc) that can be applied.
Matt, I do have a question. How do you think people come back from this? Say husband and wife are fighting over this glass by the sink and both parties “see the light”. If the glass causes pain it will eventually cause a wound. Do you think its possible for that wound to heal? And the couple to repair their relationship?
If someone leaving a glass by the dishwasher makes you feel like they are incompetent. You have expectancy issues. Sir, you are fine. Be glad she left, cause you don’t need that negativity. I don’t know about you, but I understand the concept of a refill in the future, and how to save money on soap by not necessarily washing something everytime I’m about to use it again. Honestly she was getting stressed over nothing. Men can miss signals just like females, and we can over look things, just like the other. If you didn’t ask them, and they didn’t explain they had intention to do it, you shouldn’t feel disrespected or like he hates you just because he forgot to hang his coat up somewhere, or forgot to mow the yard. We don’t hate you just because you forgot your wedding ring when we go out together, why would you hate us over something like a dish.
Bravo! You completely missed the point of this entire piece. ?
There was no “missing signals.” His wife told him to put that damn glass in the dishwasher multiple times.
Maybe I can help with this. What a husband wants when he says he wants respect from his wife, is for her to value the things he does just as she wants value for the things she does. Many women take the things for granted that her husband does for their marriage and makes it trivial. The pendulum swings both ways. I purchased flowers for my wife and had them sent to her work, i felt good about this but the first comment my wife made was, “you spent too much money.” This is where the term, “you took the wind right out of my sails,” comes from. I went from feeling I had done a good thing to feeling a little low. Even if she felt too much money was spent, this comment she should have kept to herself and just said, thank you. I hope this helps.
In that aspect of spending too much, it could have been something as simple as “we can’t afford this kind of expenditure” to “I don’t deserve this… now I feel awful.”
Another thing I wonder is if she’s a flower lover. I’m not. I get a rose from the gas station once in awhile from my husband, but I’d appreciate a bottle of beer over flowers any day. If my husband sent me a hundred dollars worth of flowers to me, I’d say the same thing, simply because… I’m not a flower type girl. Take me out for dinner for the same amount to create a memory. A bottle of liquor because you know exactly what I like, etc.
It’s an assumption on my part, of course. But to a woman that gets exactly what she wanted, the only reason she’d get turned off is financial reasons or doesn’t feel deserving.
WOW, SO IF A WOMAN GETS A PRESENT BUT IT IS NOT EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED, INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING THANK YOU FOR THE THOUGHT, SHE CRITISIZES IT? THAT IS A WOMAN WHO IS GOING TO GET FEWER PRESENTS. IT IS NOT THE PRESENT THAT COUNTS IT IS THINKING ENOUGH OF HER TO GET HER SOMETHING FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND AM THINKING OF YOU.
Sorry but it’s not the dishes and it’s not that ‘logic’ vs. ‘female emotion’ thing. It’s the totality of the circumstances of all of the ways that you did not step up. I’ve been in two long term relationships with men who left dishes around the house. My husband pulls his weight in the relationship and so I view it with mild irritation, remember that we are a team, and then let it go. When my ex would do it, it would fill me with rage, as it was a visceral reminder of all the ways he was expecting me to be his mother. At the end of the day, you can’t respect someone who isn’t a full partner and you can’t maintain a healthy, long-term relationship with someone you don’t respect.
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Most of this is completely crap. What has happened to respect and tolerance in a partnership. There are 2 people in a marriage, who have equal rights, not one poor hen pecked husband with a dominating over sensitive irritable wife. Where is the consideration, sense of sharing and essential humour that goes to making up a marriage. If you cant laugh together, accept each others failings with good grace. and be friends as well as married, what a waste of time You are well rid and better luck next time
If I ask you to do anything to contribute to making our home run smoothly and it isn’t important enough to just do, I am not important to you. If whatever it is is not important enough to REMEMBER to do always, I am not important to you. I ALWAYS use the analogy-if you worked for me you would remember, how much MORE effort should be applied to someone you LOVE! Unfortunately most moms of boys set them up to fail at marriage and most dads of boys bring that same behavior which sets up the model for their sons. Daughters observe this scenario as well. Only two options do the same thing, and get he same result, or do the opposite, and bask in the glow of a happier marriage.
The problem in this situation has nothing to do with communication or differing values. It is a problem with all relationships in which we expect the other person to “make” us happy. If people would learn that true happiness comes from within, what another person does or does not do would never affect in anyway. We are responsible for our own happiness in life, no one can help us achieve that.
Charles. I agree very strongly with your “true happiness comes from within” stance. It does.
But to deny that other people can’t affect us emotionally is a little bit disingenuous. Only masters of stoicism could claim that. And I have mixed feelings (ironically) on stoicism.
A marriage is not two individuals.
A marriage is one united thing made from two parts. When one part saps from the other without giving back, the one thing cracks in two.
Yes. Strong boundaries. Well communicated pre-marriage. Great.
Once married, as things evolve? We don’t get to wash our hands of our responsibility to fulfill our vows. In good times and in bad.
It’s a lot easier for two individuals to achieve true happiness when the partner they’re conjoined with isn’t a parasitic tumor.
This is so powerful. I wish more men would understand the basic truth you share here. My husband and I came close to divorce over similar issues and he figured it out, too. I chronicle our journey in my new book, The Romance Diet: Body Image and The Wars We Wage on Ourselves. The male perspective you offer is beautiful and I hope it gets widely shared. Thanks for the post.
The funny thing is when I read this I realized it can apply in the reverse, as a husband of two grown children who still live at home I am the one who takes care of the majority of the household duties, laundry, dinner, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms as well as the usually duties a husband is expected to do,mowing the lawn, take out the garbage etc…. while my wife sits on the couch remote in hand surfing channels telling me how I tough she has it. I got tired of the fights when I would bring up the need for assistance and just shut down. I will bide my time and leave when the kids do.
Do you actually care about staying in that relationship? If so, you should tell her now that you’re going to walk out the door when the kids are grown. She may then understand the gravity of the situation and you two will have a chance at working it out.
I see your point, but, as a woman, I take offense at it. Why is it okay for a woman to attach significant meaning to something that it simply a bad habit on the part of her husband? I’m sure she has loads of bad habits that are overlooked.
It’s not popular to say, but women tend to overly nitpick. And then we keep picking at the wound so that it never heals, but instead it festers and turns into something that it never should have. We married women are adults and not children. We can choose not to take everything personally, but it’s much easier to just fly off the handle.
For better or worse, we have chosen our husbands. Instead of justifying throwing them away, perhaps the article would be better directed towards those who are not married. Give the advice that if him leaving the toilet seat up or leaving dishes undone will make you crazy, then don’t marry a guy who does those things.
Sorry I offended you. I think being an adult and making good partner choices is super smart. I’m with you 100 percent.
Sadly, lots of really young people get married at 23 or whatever and they just don’t know what they don’t know.
Maybe it takes a failed relationship to understand what would make for optimum compatibility. I don’t pretend to know much.
Thanks for reading.
You are full of regret, and yet you still present the issue as being about not being respectful of things that are important to HER. She doesn’t want you to demonstrate how much you care about the “silly nonsense” that matters to her by not leaving your laundry on the floor and putting your glass in the dishwasher – she wants you to be a human being who also doesn’t want to live in disorder. If you just spent an hour shoveling the driveway and then a plow comes by and fills it in – you feel outrage. You invested time & energy into clearing your driveway – because it is necessary, not because you prefer it that way. And then someone else comes along and dumps a pile of snow in it and now you have more work to do when you thought you were done.
Living in a tidy environment should also be important to you – she is not “in charge” of maintaining the household. “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it” ?? IS YOUR LAUNDRY ON THE FLOOR ? Maybe you should wash it. Did you just make a sandwich ? Maybe you should put your dishes away and give the countertop a quick wipe so the next person to use the kitchen doesn’t have to clean up after your ass – or because it was clean when you went in there. Don’t clean up after yourself because you want to demonstrate how much you love & respect your partner – clean up after yourself because you are an adult who doesn’t want to live in a shit hole.
In other words, “do what is right because it is right.”
The difference is when you bring this up to women, like “dont buy this type of eggs or this type of yogurt because it’s unhealthy” and they roll their eyes at you and ignore you that is a problem as well but most (if not all) men are not thinking of divorcing because of that.
Ultimately women who do this have way bigger personal issues to deal with than seeing the fault of their husbands.
A wise (the wisest) man said, “Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye but fail to notice the beam in your own eye?”
It goes both ways and women should know it.
Love this. You get it.
Thank you thank you thank you! I’ve been trying to tell my husband this for way too long! When the time comes for this conversation it’s always the heat of the moment, I get flustered, and can’t find my words! I am copying and pasting this link to him right after I type. I feel so naggy on a daily basis and I hate it. But I also hate how I’ve stressed the importance of recycling to me since I’ve been a little girl yet I still find cans and paper in the garbage. It makes me think he doesn’t really know me or doesn’t care. I’ve gone from respectfully asking him to unfold his crusty work socks before putting them in the laundry because it grosses me out (it makes me want to gag, even if it is illogical) to full blown nagging about it because they’re still thrown all over the house. It’s been years. I’ve tried to give it says or months to see an improvement but sometimes you just become so pissed off and end up freaking out. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t have very high expectations for our house. I’m not a clean freak and neither is he. But it’s the little things that will help make both our lives easier in the long run, especially with a new baby. I appreciate everything he does and he’s a wonderful husband but I do feel disrespected and this post finally makes that connection for me. I always thought I was being a naggy a**hole wife and should just accept that the dishes will never be cleared of food and places in the sink with huge gobs of ketchup left on them. Or that beard hair will forever cover my sink and toothpaste will crust my towels and be thrown in the wash after one use. I am not perfect and I think some men tolerate the little things a lot easier but I know there are things that bother him as well. I’ve been thinking lately that we should write down all our pet peeves (I hate that word) for eachother and both make a conscious effort recognize when we do them. Because I don’t want him to feel disrespected and hurt like I feel. I also don’t want my marriage to end because of crusty socks :/
You really hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly how I feel when I walk into a kitchen I just busted my butt to get clean, only to find trash lying about or dirty dishes left for ME to deal with. It is about the lack of respect. I mean so little that a miniscule amount of effort is too much. I have tried to explain this, but feel it doesn’t really sink in.
I don’t want my husband to say “I got this”. I don’t find that sexy at all. I want him to offer to help, and listen to what help I need and how I want it done. Otherwise, it is easier for me to do it myself.
Oh my. “How I want it done..”
Someone asked me earlier what disrespecting a husband from a man’s perspective looks like.
I’m sorry to tell you, but it looks like THAT.
Thanks for reading.
Got it.
Yikes. I’d be divorced REAL quick!
Then you will be doing ALL of it yourself before too long, because no self-respecting husband is going to stick around.
I am a female, and I leave dishes in/near the sink often. It drives my husband a little nuts, but he rarely says anything. If he made an issue out of it, I would change. If she honestly and truly left you for such a simple, idiotic reason as this, you guys were never meant to be together in the first place. Find someone who is chill, and flexible.
I’m so glad to said this. Because this illustrates the point so many were missing.
It’s not about the dishes.
It’s about WHATEVER thing violates our partner’s boundaries that causes them pain.
If two people love dishes by the sink or feel indifferent as I do, then it’s a 100-percent non-issue.
If it DOES matter to someone, then the other person not respecting it isn’t annoying his or her partner because it’s an extra chore. It’s seriously, fundamentally, emotionally damaging the person who discover they married someone PURPOSEFULLY UNWILLING to perform small acts of love and kindness for them.
After a few thousand times, the relationship ends. And the entire time, one or both of them never saw it coming and couldn’t figure out why.
It’s tragic.
And it’s why I write this stuff down.
Very well said!
if some women don’t understand your point, then it really leaves minimal hope for men to get it! so sad
I get what you mean. Be in a relationship with someone who has similar likes & dislikes as you. Someone you can understand and understands you. Sometimes I wonder how 2 people ever got together in the first place. Did they not take the time to get to know each other? Or did they that big mistake so many have made”I’ll change them after I marry them”. Big mistake that never ends well.
Curious – if you know it drives your partner “a little nuts”, why continue to do it? It sounds like they’ve already made it clear to you that they don’t like cleaning up after you and yet you’re waiting for it to “become an issue” before you change your behaviour. Why not change it now before it becomes an issue?
My boyfriend, that I just moved in with, and I had to have a similar conversation. While he is a wonderfully helpful person that works really hard he is also *not the neatest person alive. He helps when he thinks about it (once a month, sometimes week) and even though I reasoned with myself that it would be me that cleaned most often it started to weigh on me emotionally. When I finally made sense of it I realized that I felt underappreciated (also like glass by the sink wife). To not put the glass in the sink immediately is one thing, I admit. I actually do that myself. To forget about the glass and inconsequently suggest that your wife is the house cleaner so leave it for her to get to is something totally different (which is what my situation was). After so many instances I started feeling and thinking, “he left this out because he thinks I’m the only one who has to do chores,” then eventually it built up until finally seeing “the glass by the sink” led to the thought, “he must not think my time is as important as his. He expects me to fulfill the half of his life that the past designated to women (caring for children, cooking, cleaning), he doesn’t actually see me as his equal.” That is something I created on my own obviously, but without anyone to counteract it that was the inevitable outcome. When the response was, “what are you talking about, it’s just a glass?” Not only had he taken away my ability to be right, but he made it clear that he also doesn’t think I’m reasonable or logical. I had nothing at that point, except the knowledge that it’s possible that glass by the sink will never understand me or understand how undervalued I felt as a person altogether. In the end, I finally was able to make sense to my boyfriend by finding articles like this one and a few others that broke down the situation bit by bit, but without the help of another guy or article breaking it down, I would have possibly been forced to move out like wife of glass by the sink.
Well said Kristen
Reblogged this on Carrots in My Carryon and commented:
While I’ll acknowledge that this is only one side of what can be a very complicated story, I also can attest to the volumes of truth in here.
Read it with the mindset of self-improvement vs. finger-pointing and you’ll see it, too.
Sounds like to me she wasn’t happy with her own life only to make it look like things he did wrong was the reasoning behind her frustrations.So sorry,so sad.Sounds like she’s the one needing help.
I find this article nothing short of victim blaming. “The master hit me because I made the master mad…don’t make the master mad”.
You will not find the guy equivalent to this article, in terms of petty and pathetic excuses. Instead, you will find “I left her because she denied me sex over the life of our marriage, continually abused me in a verbal sense, and berated me at every turn. Also, she became infuriated when I left a glass out that was going to be used throughout the day”.
The expectation of a male to simply take it as his place is disturbing. The cost of being a part of a family is the sexual and emotional freedom of the male. Your hobbies, friends, and interests are no longer relevant.
Sigh. You missed the point. YOU, as a male, find this to be “petty and pathetic excuses”. As a woman, let me explain it to you: I am very clean. My motto is that everything should be touched ONCE, just once. Which means you pick it up and instantly put it away…don’t do it later, or set it aside. Finish it, put it away. I understand my husband is not like me. He is much messier. Most of the time, I gladly clean up after him with a smile on my face. I am HAPPY to have him to clean up after, because it means he’s here and he chose me, as I chose him. My husband absolutely does NOT follow my finish it/touch it once personal motto. However, he does know how important it is to me. So when he remembers (which isn’t often, since it’s not at the top of his priorities), he rinses out the empty container and immediately puts it in the correct recycling bin instead of leaving it on the counter, hardening, for me to have to clean out later. He usually forgets, and I clean it up. But when he DOES remember, I am smiling ear to ear and I praise him for it, not because he’s my pet or child, but because I know he did that FOR ME. He doesn’t care. And I get that and accept him as he is. But he knows that I DO care. So if one of us doesn’t care, and the other does, it’s nice to sometimes actually think about the other person and do it the way they’d like, just because you love them. Do I expect him to always be perfect and clean up? Of course not. Do I know that he respects the time and effort that I take to clean up the house and take care of the children? You bet! Because, sometimes, he goes that extra mile to separate his clothes into the correct laundry hamper, or to close the shower curtain so it doesn’t get moldy. He’s not perfect, and (sane) women don’t expect that. But we need to know that we’re respected, and that the work we do isn’t dismissed as “petty and pathetic”. When you do it all day, every day, it certainly isn’t petty and pathetic. It’s exhausting. And knowing that you have your husband’s respect and that he helps out when his male brain reminds him to makes it all worthwhile.
As for your comment that “the cost of being a part of a family is the sexual and emotional freedom of the male. Your hobbies, friends, and interests are no longer relevant.” Women ALSO give up sexual and emotional freedom in marriage. That’s not gender exclusive. Everyone misses freedom sometimes. It’s whether or not it’s worth it that matters. In my case, it certainly is. And for hobbies, friends, and interests no longer being relevant? My husband enjoys all the same hobbies, friends, and interests as before we dated. BUT, I expect to come first. If I’m sick and can’t take care of the children, damn right he’s not playing video games all day! Does he usually play video games, chill with friends, and go to the batting cages? Sure. As I also continue to have my hobbies, friends, and interests. But the second I get a phone call that my husband is at his wit’s end with the children, I’m putting down my book or calling it an early night with my friends. I go to my husband. Because HE is my priority, as I am his.
Even though I’m a woman, it bothers me that society places so much more on what women want, than men. If she is willing to fight about a stupid glass, her priorities are out of order. As women, we need to learn that just because our emotions are stronger, it doesn’t make us always right. If we expect our husbands to love us unconditionally, we should respect them unconditionally too.
I would get divorced and marry you…Wish more women thought of it as 50/50 rather than the whole nine yards for them, THEN they will think about reciprocating it….
Holy crap. This man deserves a Nobel Prize. I onlt wish he coul offer the same insight in reverse. Wow.
I wish me ex husband and I had read this article together decades ago
Very well written, and a sobering reminder to look for opportunities to make our wives feel loved because it matters to THEM, rather than questioning why it matters at all.
Thank you for this article!
I really really liked how you put certain parts in bold! It really helped my ADD brain get through the read. Even tho I wanted to finish it sometimes my brain just says nope that’s long enough, move on. Haha
Thanks again
Chad
You nailed it! Of course, it can also be helpful for both parties to identify their 2-3 BIG “Need It To Be This Way” things and focus on those. There are numerous benefits to this:
It helps the “offender” have a reasonable chance at success – they can focus on the critical items. It also helps the “offended” better see effort and progress. Emotions are funny things, and most folks don’t HONESTLY give credit for “partner started doing 3 out of 10 things better” – especially if it happens to be the 3 things least irritating to that person!
It helps BOTH partners separate out the stuff that really bothers them vs the things that are just being done differently (and often “different” registers as “irritating” if the 2-3 Big Items are being done wrong). And getting to that “Big 2-3” can mean admitting that you don’t care about shaving detritus in the bathroom sink but by GOD the toothbrushes must be properly stored! Well, that can be a little embarrassing, but it definitely builds intimacy and improves the relationship’s chances to survive and thrive 😀
We’re all human. We each have odd notions of How Things Should Be. Owning up to that and working on how to respect it in ourselves and another is a lifelong effort.
While I appreciate the sentiment behind this and agree with the point you’re making, your “Men Can Do Things” section is kind of condescending to women. The way you say, “Men design and build skyscrapers, and take hearts and other human organs from dead people and replace the corresponding failing organs inside of living people, and then those people stay alive afterward”, implies men are the only ones capable of doing that. I understand that you’re trying to say that if men are smart enough to do all those things, they are smart enough to compromise and work with their partners, however, another message is also implied there. For an article about respecting your wife, it’s disappointing to read that.
It doesn’t imply that at all. You’re the second to say it, so other people must think it, but we won’t come to consensus, I’m afraid.
Context matters. Always.
Here are random examples of amazing things men can do and have done. THUS, men should also be able to do a better job managing his relationship.
I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job conveying that, but you are reading things which simply aren’t there.
Of course context matters which is why I understood what you were trying to say and why you had that section there. I am also not saying you intend to imply it. It’s one thing to say men AND women (or even “people”) are capable but you didn’t. My point was that regardless of context, the words you used seemingly said men can do it while implying women cannot.
No, Mags, saying “both men and women” would have diluted the context. The context being that the article is talking about men who passively behave as if they are not capable, men who leave it all up to the women, etc. These men are what we’re talking about, so therefore it would not make sense to say “men and women in this particular context. Because we’re not talking about the women.
Or, if you will, compare it to me telling my 7 year old daughter that she is perfectly capable of cleaning up after herself. I’m not going to say “Lots of people are capable of cleaning up after themselves” in spite of the fact that it is true. I’m going to say something directed specifically at her like “7 year olds are very capable of cleaning up after themselves.” Because she acts like “I’m too young to clean up after myself!” I will specifically point to her age.
In my example, the context is the 7-year old because she’s acting like she’s too young/incapable of cleaning up. In Matt’s example, he’s specifically talking about men who behave as if they aren’t capable and he is specifically reminding them that they ARE.
Absolutely the truth!
This was articulated beautifully.
Reblogged this on Blissfully Single and commented:
So while I remain “blissfully single,” this definitely struck a chord. Very well written. I relate, on so many levels.
Thank you thank you a million times for this! My husband and I are going through a particularly rough patch right now and I’ve been feeling incredibly alone and lost. I’ve tried, and failed, to help him understand where I’m coming from. He has a particularly busy job, and most days he leaves by 7 am and doesn’t get home until after 8 pm. What he forgets is that my life is also incredibly busy and that “taking care of him” would be his mother’s responsibility, not mine. While I’m understanding of his work responsibilities, I’m not understanding of the fact that he believes he no longer has any responsibilities at home. It’s been years since he grocery shopped or made a meal or cleaned anything. I’ve become more than just a wife – I’m also now mommy and maid, which makes me feel like shit.
Don’t get me wrong. My husband is easily the most amazing person I’ve ever known, and I love him beyond words. But it’s feeling like that’s not reciprocated because of his (in)actions that’s slowly destroying our relationship. I’m going to share this post with him in hopes that the male perspective you’ve shared will resonate with him!
I’m with you: a glass is never going to be important to me. Healthy communication is important. Compromise is important. Loving gestures are important. But asking a man to change is disrespectful to HIM. And it’s controlling. You’re better off without that nonsense.
It’s not asking a man to change who he is. It’s asking a man to be considerate of what’s important to you. That’s something everyone in a relationship should be able to do, gender irrelevant.
I think that the big picture here is to make sure the other person’s needs are met and at the same time, trust your partner to meet yours. This is how my marriage works, and it’s working really well. When I keep focused on his needs and fulfill them, and he does exactly the same, we acknowledge and respect each other and we don’t take each other for granted. We found this to work for us after quite a few years when things were not going well at all. It’s been amazing for the past two years…I am really sorry for your situation ?. Did you try marriage counseling?
Just seems easier to not get married, to be honest.
Trade offs, either way. Not getting married is a perfectly acceptable way to avoid divorce.
And keep your wealth, monetarily, and exceed in your line of work, and keep your testosterone levels regulated. And remain capable of keeping a reasonable level of disorder in your kitchen, if your prerogative is as such.
Not trying to make a case, but if this is the climate of expectations for men….why do they get married now?
I think the practical answer is that most people crave companionship. Also, sex is nice. And while marriage isn’t required for that, conventional wisdom is that it’s safer (and in that respect, better) in a committed monogamous relationship.
Children are huge. I have a hard time believing there’s much of a crowd selling single parenting over co-parenting as the optimum model for raising kids.
If you don’t break the marriage, having a partner to help with stuff is really nice. Sometimes they contribute a lot of money too.
Lastly, we are all going to get old one day. Worn down. Less attractive. Less mobile. Maybe even sick.
Do you really want to be the lonely old guy watching Matlock reruns with no one who loves you in your twilight years?
Single is an option. I’ve been single three years. It has its perks.
I was often peeved by the frustrations of daily married life.
But I’m not afraid to say that, objectively speaking, especially with a child involved, marriage is better than single.
For me.
Now that I have all these new concerns and experiences and boundaries, I’m extremely choosy about who I let get close to me.
A second marriage may happen. But it’s hard to imagine it being soon. And it’s essentially because of what you’re saying… The juice doesn’t exactly feel worth the squeeze.
Thanks for being part of the conversation, Maxwell.
Reblogged this on Like a scream but sort of silent.
I really did leave my husband for leaving dirty dishes by the kitchen sink.
I can’t even begin to understand how you’ve managed to put my exact thoughts and feelings into this article. I started crying as I read at just how perfect you’ve explained what I tried so many times to say in my exact situation, but mostly my tears come from wishing I’d seen this much sooner to pass along to him (but he’s the one that sent it to me– it finally made him understand why I left). Thank you so much for this bittersweet gift.
When I read this article I laughed because ijust had this discussion the other day.
My step father does it cause he is old school, a woman does that, a man does this.
My wife does it cause shes a lawyer and im in the culinary industry. She grew up not waking dishes. Im a neat freak so I have to clean. We have come to the agreement that if shes not done with her glass, leave it by your side of the bed.
If your partner doesnt get it take something that they love and leave it on the floor every day. If th hey pic it up put right bsck on the floor and say, what’s the big deal. People care about things that mean something to them!!
I may be in the minority here, but, as a wife, this article was super helpful in helping me to know why it’s important for ME to do little things for my husband that show him that I respect and appreciate HIM. And I’ll also try and help him to understand me. It’s totally a 2-way street, isn’t it? : )
I felt the same way. And I also appreciated it for helping me to understand the man’s perspective before he truly grasps why woman are upset.
My thoughts also.
yup.
I agree!!! ^^^ I could have easily written this article myself, and titled it “My husband left me, because I left dishes by the sink.” I wish both my ex & I could have read this 5 years ago when there was still time to “get it.” My ex told me when he was leaving all the ways I didn’t appreciate it, respect him, “hear” him… and I was STUNNED because I thought I was a dutiful & devoted wife. Who did everything she was asked and managed everything so well etc… I was very happy!!! We were married 22 years and I had NO idea that I was gradually tearing him down every time I “disrespected” him with tiny little actions such as leaving a dish by the sink. Among other many other things that went unnoticed or were dismissed by ME. I do feel like he has take responsibility for the part he played and he did leave me for someone he was having an affair with … someone he sought out because he wasn’t getting what he really needed at home. I don’t think it’s fair that he didn’t make me aware of these issues BEFORE he began to outside the marriage. He admits he didn’t want to cause a fight or create more tension and that he didn’t believe I would “believe” him enough to change my behavior so he never spoke up. That is on HIM. I would have gladly made changes to make him happy, and to save our marriage!! But he didn’t even give me the chance. I digress, my point is; it goes both ways. Men & Women each need to really put the needs of their partner first and forget WHY something is important to the other person, forget being RIGHT… if it is really something so trivial, why would you NOT do something so small if it goes a long way to help your partner feel loved by you. Why would we deliberately and intentionally dig our heels in, and contribute to strife, if there doesn’t need to be strife? Well written friend. I DO know that I learned a LOT about my own mistakes through my divorce and I know that whenever I find Mr. Right-for-me… I will be a MUCH better partner.
Well said. This could of been written by me, after 25 yrs. of marriage.
Yrs it is by it comes natural for women and we pretty much do things out of out love for them…but if we dont feel they respect us as he was talking about we start loosing that motivation to want to do this things to them because now we feel used and not respected and loved. He is so right on!!!!!
I shared this with my husband. I’ve tried over and over to explain this to him and it never gets through. However, this is from a man’s point of view. He’s always saying “yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll get it done.” Yet never does it. Picking up items at the store, rising dishes, filling out a simple form that takes 10 minutes, whatever. It’s true what you said: I just can’t trust him to complete anything. If I could, I would. But I’m a SAHM to a 4 month preemie and an autistic 3 year old. I hatebabysitting a grown man as well. I don’t think he truly realizes that all this little things he doesn’t do that he says he will, add up and make my life that much harder. Why do I get angry over “every little thing?” It’s because it’s that much more I have to take care of. I’ve told him that I feel like a caretaker because if the situation were reversed, most cases I wouldn’t get scolded because I have enough going on. But he doesn’t make an effort to help me. Special ed teachers, doctor appointments, helping the 3 year old with speech myself, constantly nursing the baby 15 hours of the day(not an exaggeration. I’ve timed it.), dealing with the debt collectors, texting grocery/item lists, keeping the kids safe from each other, cleaning up cat vomit while having to prove myself to my husband every day. “This isn’t working. I’ve done this and that. No luck.” He doesn’t realize that even though I’ve tried to fix it, him doing the same things I just tried, to validate the problem says to me “I don’t believe you. I have to see it for myself. Mainly because you don’t know what you’re doing and I’m smarter than you.” He tells me how I should be with the kids, though I’ve got the one well behaved (the other is too young) and he’s only spending 3 hours a day with them while I’m all day and obviously what I’m already doing is working. I need paycheck stubs, proof of insurance and a copy of his driver’s license for paperwork. Says he’ll keep doing it, though I’ve reminded him once a week for 2 months.
Again. Everything. I’m hoping this article from a man’s perspective will open his eyes a bit. I hate being his mother….
You’re not his mother nor his wife. You’re his victim. He appears to neither appreciate nor love you. Life evolves around him, and you are responsible for rearing, caring and maintaining his family. He’s just there to have a place in which to come home. I’m sorry to tell you all this, but have a feeling you’ll gut it out to the bitter end.
Why isn’t it working? You continue to do everything w/o his help. Remember if it isn’t an inconvenience to him then it won’t matter. It doesn’t matter how many times you nag him to do something he knows in the end you are going to do anyways. You need to give him something to do that will affect him and if he drops the ball well then he only has himself to blame. Remember, take care of yourself and take care of your kids; if he doesn’t figure it out you need to find a good counselor, go by yourself and with your husband (if he will go) and make a decision then.
Thank you. I needed to read this, as a woman who has acted this way to my husband. It’s not a perfect copy of our story, but it’s close enough to help me understand where he was coming from when our marriage was much more unpleasant.
What ended up happening is he lowered his expectations and I raised my empathy and ability to communicate. Truth is, I was hurt by how disappointed he was by me. I felt I was trying really hard but that nothing I did was enough for him. But really what it came down to was that I didn’t make the “little” things a big enough priority in my life, didn’t get them done when he wanted them done…and he got upset. It doesn’t matter if being upset is founded or not. Loving someone is about doing the little things for them no matter if it makes sense to you or not.
I know the right thing to do is to at least pull my own weight, which I did. The next step is to do the little things my husband feels are important, which I have been doing now, but didn’t in the past…and the next step after that is to go above and beyond his expectations. I hope someday to get to the final step. He says he’s proud to be my husband, but I don’t know if I’m worthy of that, yet.
I hope your husband can one day strive to be the kind of man you’re proud of. I don’t know your whole story, but my advice would be to encourage him, rather than scolding and nagging him.
Also, I don’t know what language he speaks. My husband responded when I was sincere, and when I allowed myself to show my hurt, instead of shrouding it in anger and frustration. I had a hard time telling him what I was truly feeling (sometimes I didn’t know, myself), but when I did, he listened…. He didn’t change right away, but patience in pain yields some impressive results.
Why can’t he lave the glass out if he plans to use it again? Why does her wanting it put away matter more than his not wanting it put away? Why can’t they agree to do what makes sense and that doing so is the ultimate in partnership?
Bending to his or her will because it doing so acts as a proxy for love is ridiculous. If there isn’t enough alternative evidence of love then no change in attitude toward someone else’s matters. You’re already doomed and it has nothing to do with seemingly irrelevant but deeper compromises.
In this case, for the use of clearer pronouns (but they’re reversible reversible), him always saying “ok – if it matters to her, ill do it” when it also matters to him is how people get walked on.
Yo, you totally missed the point. Read again and open your mind. It’s about having an other-centered loving mindset, not about winning a will-war. The will-war approach was what made him lose his marriage.
I understand your point of view and how you don’t think it’s right for one person to “bend” to their partner’s will because love. And, I do think that it is a two way street and both couples have to take the time to understand each other. Maybe if the fight was about finding a new job or moving then most definitely doing what your partner says “as a proxy for love” without thought to your own decisions/choices is not very healthy.
But the whole point of the article (from what I got anyways) is the triviality of what a seemingly small action did to his relationship. The thing is, the glass doesn’t matter to him, but it matters to her. He doesn’t have some strong conviction to leave the glass out, rather he doesn’t care about it and doesn’t understand why his wife does and why she’s making such a big deal. Like he says, it’s “four seconds” of his life. He sees it as so minuscule in the scale of things, that he doesn’t get why his wife is ruining their peace for it. He didn’t take the time to get what it meant to her.
Therefore, it’s not necessarily succumbing to the other’s demands for “love”, and whether who’s opinion is better/stronger/”more right” than the other; rather, understanding, recognizing, listening, and validating the things your partner asks of you instead of trivializing it and saying it doesn’t matter (because maybe to you it doesn’t but to them it does, and loving your partner enough to respect these types of things is also what I gathered from what the writer was trying to say). It’s about spending that time trying to see it from their side rather than trying to get them to see it from yours. It’s also about showing love through actions (not necessarily using actions in place of love).
Either way, I think it’s an interesting article that gives a lot of perspective on relationships.
“If you don’t do it my way, no matter how trivial the task, then you don’t love me.”
Exactly! Nicely written!
Well said Jonathan. May I add that the list was seemingly endless. If it was the dish by the sink, OK. How to load the dishwasher. Every detail of housekeeping. Wanted the bookshelves dusted. Did that and at the same time so much more. “Why couldn’t you JUST DUST!” which translated that the time I spent on doing the whole room should have been spent on the rest of that endless list she had in her head. It was the same for our sons. No win. Never good enough. Never enough. In the end, we dealt with it as “control trips”. If only it had been “just” housework. How to talk, when to talk, if to talk. I don’t remember it like that at the beginning. I think she would say that she had been “care taking” and just got tired of it. We don’t know why we fall in love, even less why we fall out of love. “Irreconcilable differences” and moved on.
I can relate. 🙁
I do agree that if you always bend, you’ll get walked on and I also agree that what matters to her shouldn’t be more important than what matters to him, but I think what he’s illustrating here is that it *doesn’t* matter to him but he *still* wouldn’t do it knowing it mattered to his wife, and that’s what drives the wedge. It may be hard to see in terms of a dirty dish, but in the big picture if something matters a lot to one partner and not at all to another, it seems indifferent (at best) or spiteful (at worst) for the one who doesn’t care either way to not respect the wishes of the one who cares.
Exactly! Marriage is about compromise and it goes both ways. When it doesn’t, someone is getting taken advantage of.
Or you could be a man and grow up. Maybe learn something? It’s your laziness and lack of responsibility to your duties as a man that led to your divorce.
I would never leave someone for something like this. Not if they were kind and decent. Sloppiness to me,can be overlooked as long. Seems like there just has to be more than the glass, like maybe just say it, she doesn’t love him.
It’s an analogy. Clearly it wasn’t just about the glass. But it is a very simple analogy that makes a strong point about validating your partner’s feelings and ensuring you consider how you can work in partnership with them.
“Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt. It’s like, he doesn’t think she has the right to (and then use it as a weapon against him) because it feels unfair.”
Very well stated. The whole article really.
I think this statement is often the problem in a nutshell. And can not only apply for emotional issues but quite often for physical ones as well. And I think one of the issues with this for women – a BIG issue with this for women – is that women are expected to do the opposite. If their husbands share something with them that is different than they experience, they are supposed to understand and accept it.
It adds a lot more bitterness to the situation for most women I know who have experienced it.
I can remember how I used to get angry at my husband because we would talk at night in bed and he would fall asleep in the middle of it. I took it as a sign that he was completely uninterested in my conversation. When he explained to me that he literally could not control when he fell asleep, I took him at his word, EVEN THOUGH this is completely different than my experience. And he was right – I saw him actually fall asleep while standing up more than once, through our marriage. The man could not stay away when tired.
But when the shoe was on the other foot, totally different reaction. I cannot fall asleep easily, with lots of poor health that causes pain and insomnia and other issues with falling to sleep easily. If I was very exhausted, he would often wake me up to tell me something – a sentence or two – and that would be enough to keep me awake for the rest of the night. I had SO many conversations with him over how difficult it was to fall asleep, and to please not wake me up unless it was an emergency if I managed to fall asleep.
His response was that I wasn’t trying hard enough to fall asleep, because if I was, then I wouldn’t have any trouble. Over ten years of marriage and he never once could accept that I had a different experience than his own, even though he wanted me to understand his position.
This is not enough to break a marriage. But when the majority of what one feels, thinks, and does is treated like this? Like it is only valid if it makes sense to the husband (or that it makes sense to what the husband thinks is normal for ‘women,’ like putting on makeup)? That breaks a marriage.
Thank you for such a clearly expressed summation of the concept. It resonated so much, truly.
Reblogged this on Devyne Delphi.
This is a wonderful article! I find it very honest that this man-already divorced – can look back and admit his faults. Not saying that his exwife was perfect by the way but understanding his own downfalls. We can not change others, but by changing ourselves others will often choose to as well. For all the bad comments about how men r people too- there is just as many, maybe more? “Teachers” out there telling women how to appreciate and treat their husbands with the respect they also deserve. Great reading. Thankyou
Matt, I really enjoyed the article, and felt you nailed it. Some people in the comments “got it”, and some people didn’t, thinking it was all about the “stupid glass on the counter”, and “how asinine to end a marriage over a glass”. If’s NOT ABOUT THE GLASS. Gosh, I feel like I’m in The Matrix, in the Oracle’s apartment: “There is no Spoon”, lol. It’s about both people’s expectations of each other, and what makes them feel like a partner in a marriage, and what makes them feel like they’re being disrespected, actions done that make them feel like they don’t matter to the other person. Consistent misunderstandings, and willful righteousness (I’m sticking by my guns, even though it makes my partner feel unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated, because dammit I’M RIGHT) is pretty much the sure pathway to an unhappy marriage and eventual divorce. And this goes BOTH ways: it’s not just about a woman’s expectations of a man, it is also the man’s expectations of the woman. IMHO, I feel that we go through these hard times, and hopefully learn more about ourselves, wake us up, make us take a look around and think about other people as well as ourselves. It sounds like you learned something from this very difficult time, and hopefully take what you learned into the next stage/relationship/whatever. Good on you for thinking everything through, and not saying “That b**ch ended our marriage over a stupid glass”.
This is a great piece of advice for this common scenario; nice job! However what if it’s not just about a single irrational dirty glass pet peeve, but they are never ending irrational rules she requires and no matter how much you do, its never enough to gain and feel that respect you’ve been working so hard for?
I agree!
Then talk to your wife and tell her that. The point is to seek to understand not the “list”. Help her understand your feelings too.
Well you need to be able to look at it and decide whether it is irrational to you, or completely irrational and designed to manipulate and control you. Narcissism is real and if you’re married to a narcissist who spends her time trying to control and manipulate you then you might need some help to get out of that relationship. But if you’re not being manipulated and controlled and you just have some bad habits you’re ignoring despite your wife’s protestations that you pull your finger out, well, that is what this article is about.
The writer of this article is one huge mangina. Your ex wife divorced you because you did not have a set of balls big enough to lead her and be the man in your relationship as evidenced by your white-knight article.
“Lead her”. Scary that people like you exist, bro.
lol, you gonna have a fun time in relationships. Girls will leave you for a guy you’re scared exists.
Let’s change the word girls in the my last comment to Women; Women will leave you for the type of guy you’re scared exists.
My wife and I have been over this for years. Probably 15… In December she finally broke. There was more to it than dishes in or by the sink. It was about me missing appointments, and not taking care of myself properly. (I have diabetes, liver disease and take a lot of meds).
Her words were, “I don’t know if I can keep giving like this. I can’t love you any more than you love yourself. If you don’t care, how can I?” Without saying it I knew she was about ready to leave for good.
It’s the most terrified I have ever been in 20 years with her. We had a long talk that day and many tears were shed. I suggested counselling and she agreed as long as I followed through and organized everything.
I did and we/I have seeing a counsellor for a good month now.
Eye opening, learning so much about the ‘why’ of what we do. You know what?
Were gonna make it.
Reblogged this on Love My Bright Light and commented:
This is amazing
I’m a woman, and I often “forget” to put dishes in the dishwasher, so it’s most definitely not just a guy thing. In my case, I’m groggily multitasking in the morning (my least favorite time of day): making breakfast, getting the dogs pottied and crated, getting dressed and groomed for work, printing up handouts for my class, and then I open the dishwasher and it’s not “receiving,” because it’s still filled with clean dishes from last night. So, do I have five extra minutes to put all the clean dishes away so I can put in the dirty ones from breakfast in? Sometimes the answer is no. I’ve usually got several balls in the air in the morning, and that one extra one is going to make the rest come crashing down. My husband has got the same issue in the morning, so it’s not a big issue for us (we both wish we both were more organized and more alert in the morning, but we are who we are).
I’m guessing that if dishes end up being the straw that breaks the camel’s back in a marriage, then there are indeed other issues. It’s true (as you say) that arguments are often about something that isn’t overtly stated. Context is everything. If a person feels respected and supported in the big ways, little things like dirty dishes matter a lot less.
It is about understanding and respecting each other. it isn’t about who is right or wrong. It is about communication. Pure and simple but we hardly do what is pure in simple!
I think you glossed over something in this article. Not only was she resenting you each time you left the drinking glass on the counter, but also each time she did something against her nature because she cared for you, the resentment grew.
I hate it that my husband put the tp on upside down, so I change it. But when I unbuckle my seatbelt a certain way because he’s worried the way I would naturally do it will ruin it, I get mad. I know what he likes, why can’t he do the same?
Reblogged this on MaryMarvella and commented:
I could not have said it better! It goes both ways, but some spouses feel they can’t change and want the mate to make all the changes. STRANGE!
Perfect.
It’s all the little things that add up… A woman’s shoulders are only so strong!
Reblogged this on musingsmelodies.
This can be fine if the woman understands that its a two way street. For instance, it drives many men crazy when their partner takes two hours to get ready, and makes them late. Taking that much time on microscopic details of one’s appearance while someone else is waiting for you is not just annoying, it’s a sign of disrespect. My time is valuable to me, and I show respect to others by arriving on time. When you don’t, you imply that your time is more valuable than mine. And by making me late, you make disrespect someone else’s time.
The best way to handle this, I think, is for partners to trade favors. I won’t leave the dishes out, and in return, you’ll give yourself enough time to be ready when it’s time to go. And if you’re not ready to your satisfaction, you’ll just have to deal with the HORRENDOUS embarrassment of having eyebrows that aren’t perfectly plucked, or whatever insignificant detail you deem more important than my time.
Oh honey, if you married a woman who spends 14 hours a week, or 730 hours a YEAR on her appearance (minimum, because we’re not adding in exercise hours or hairdressing/manicure/pedicure/dentist appointments), then you married a particular type of woman. And you are enjoying the benefit of having that lovely-looking creature on your arm when you go out, so best you just appreciate that and realise how much work is put into looking good – for YOU.
Her VANITY is not necessarily for HIS benefit. That’s an unjustified assumption.
Joal guille, well said.
If she left you for that, she’s the juvenile/irresponsible one! Good riddance! You now have the chance to find yourself a mature LADY!
You didn’t read the article….
I believe it.. I left my husband because although he thought he was a nice guy, and still tries to project that image, he didn’t care. His apathy led to taking me for granted and to hurting me.
I’ve since met someone who cares who I am and it’s made all the difference in the world. What is more beautiful in life than a partner who loves you enough to figure out what matters to you and then tries to do, or not do, those things?
The man I’m with now isn’t perfect, but he puts in effort where it matters to me. My heart melts when I see him trying because I know it’s not something he would do for himself. He puts energy into loving in ways that are particular to me. I try to do the same for him too.
Reblogged this on Life does not come with instructions!.
This is so on target!!! It goes exactly the same way for the wife to husband. It’s shrunk into that little verse in Ephesians: “Submit one to another” that precedes all the specifics to husband and wife. That line is given to both parties in a marriage, in the family of God, in life. And it does take two people doing this to truly have a happy mutual relationship. (although even one being sacrificial like this makes everything so much better).
Great post, Matt. I’m surprised at the criticism in these comments. I think there are several core truths that come out in what you’ve written. Very helpful for a man to try to think through that, to help us learn how to live with our wives in a more understanding way. Thanks!
Thank you for saying so.
I don’t know where you’re from for sure, but as an American, I’ve gotten familiar with incredibly educated and thoughtful people disagreeing on stuff.
One really smart person thinks President Obama is a great American president, and a different smart person thinks he’s a Manchurian candidate who secretly hates the country.
I write this stuff with “people like me” in mind.
It makes sense that some would try to pick it apart and generate conflict between the genders rather than attempt to bridge the divide between husbands and wives.
Thank you for the kind words.
Be careful with your words! I mention this because there’s no reason to use divisive language, given that people who disagree with you may or may not be misogynists or hardcore feminists. It’s irrelevant to the discussion; the kind of person who would insult you or your ex-wife based on what you’ve said here is a jerk. Plain and simple. There’s civil disagreement from most readers, but don’t use base name calling like some of these commenters did. It takes away from your message.
I agreed with everything in your article and appreciate how you’ve articulated this longstanding gripe my relationship that I have tried and failed to explain to my husband for years. Thank you, from a hardcore feminist. 😉
Sound advice. I accept. And thank you.
Just so you know, the equivalent of misogynist for female is misandrist (man-hater.) Feminism is generally misunderstood 🙂
MGTOW and never look back.
Why is it that I feel like I’m the wife and my wife is the male in this scenario? This left me feeling disturbed. I worry about the labels society puts on us, because I am a male who likes to keep the house clean and naggs to his wife when she leaves the dishes by the sink. Just like the male in this story, my wife has in fact told me “I don’t tell you when you do things that annoy me”. To put things into perspective, I work and go to med. school full time and she is a stay at home mom who takes care of our 9 month old. Why is it that a male can’t be emotionally connected to the cleanliness or tidiness of his home?
Sorry about that. I write in sweeping generalities. I might have done so more thoughtfully had I known millions would read it. Usually, it’s just a few hundred. This is all very new to me.
I write frequently about marriage. I write about what husbands, in my estimation, often get wrong, based on what I remember in my marriage, combined with a bunch of other stuff like books and conversations with other people.
So I’m always generically writing about husbands.
It is not intended to EXCLUDE anyone. Only to “speak” to all of the people who can identify with me or my stories.
That’s obviously not everyone. Thanks for taking time to comment.
This has been my life for almost ten years now and its so nice to see it on my screen. I hope my partner reads this and understands, as its not coming directly from me.
This is why single moms and divorced women are the easiest women on the planet. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
If you have ever loaded the dish washer and been scolded because it was not loaded correctly it turns this article upside down and gives a bit of insight to everyone!
I also agree with that. There’s a line. It gets crossed in both directions.
Every day I would need to move or find a place in the kitchen. Just to wash my hands or make a cup of tea. I would be told, “I’m going to get to those tomorrow.” I finally replied, “I’ll consider coming back when tomorrow comes.”
Do you have any objection to my sharing this post on my website- cutreralaw.com? I will include a link to your site. As an experienced divorce attorney, I’m very familiar with the reasons relationships suffer and often fail and this post really connects with many stories I’ve heard!
I’d be flattered. Thank you very much for asking.
This article hit the nail on the head. I am also divorced because I didn’t want to be his mom either. I always asked…”don’t make more work for me” I worked full time. ..he was disabled ( convnced himelf he couldn’t work but really could have). 2 kids …one Autistic….I did everything a wife and mom did. He did dished and garbage. Only. Nothing else. Sat in a chair and watched TV most of the time. Left dishes all over the place. Huge lack of RESPECT for me. I left. Took the kids. Never planned on getting a divorce. Sometimes you just have to give up and move on. He definitely gets it now.
Yes! It’s that she’s been doing most of the things that need to be done for herself and the kids and the husband, so making her have to add anything to that is hurtful. Love this! Of course this depends on your own situation. This is all a two way street. When we are pulling equal loads then it doesn’t matter who puts whose stuff up. But when one is doing more (one is sitting and relaxing while the other has yet to sit all day) then the one relaxing should put up their own damn glass. It’s not “Oh well since you’re cleaning here’s another thing for you to do.” That’s where it becomes disrespectful.
Hey Matt, lovely article. Even as a “hardcore feminist” I can appreciate what you’re saying and actually have sat in different times of my life on both sides of that particular fence.
For me, the most damaging thing to happen to a relationship is the erosion of respect, and when one partner is doing the basic things that every adult should be able to perform in their day-to-day life, that does destroy the very heart of the relationship. While one partner enjoys being “looked after” and handing off menial tasks to their partner, the other partner slowly loses respect as 1. They feel themselves being disrespected by being handed all the scut work in a relationship and 2. The other person is demonstrating that they are incapable of taking care of even the most basic and fundamental necessities of living.
I actually recall one relationship where I really enjoyed spending Saturday mornings getting up and cleaning the house from top to bottom – together. It was a bit of a bonding time, we’d blast music and make fun of each other and everything would be done in a couple of hours, then we’d kick back with brunch and a wine. Good times. 🙂
This entire thing just makes me want to face palm.
Look… I get it. Women want to be equal, women want to feel respected by their husbands. Yada, yada, yada. BUT! One person cannot set an example for all relationships, and this makes a poor example of what it’s meant for. A problem as simple as not putting dishes in the sink is no reason to throw away an entire relationship. There is way more going on, not just little things like this. Guys do not think like this. I have never met a man who actually thinks “I should automatically be respected when we exchange vows, so I’m going to leave my dishes here and not care.” The respect should have been there before the vows were ever exchanged. Trust and love should have been solid before making the jump into marital life.
Men usually do not pay attention, or they are planning to use the dish again and forget it’s there, etc. Why do you think wives have the reputation of nagging? It’s a partnership, so talk about your problems! Most relationships fail because of lacking communication, and this “story” is a good example of that very thing.
Not every relationship works out. Not everyone get the happily ever after. If you want a relationship to succeed, you HAVE to work at it.
People need to stop feeling sorry for yourselves and work on your problems, not bad mouth your spouses on the Internet because you don’t think you’re respected enough, because it is just as disrespectful to do so.
You must have read a totally different article than I did. I didn’t see him badmouthing his partner at all.
I was referring to the comments, not the article.
Reblogged this on The Crazy Nigerian and commented:
Seriously? Oh man…
More American male self loathing. Get grip, she didn’t leave you because the glass. She left you because she doesn’t find you masculine, sexy, intriguing anymore. Rather she looks at you as some sort of roommate or quasi brother. Start being a man and she won’t complain about this trial junk.
I divorced my husband for exactly the reason that the article states. He would not do anything that mattered to me….I wound up not doing the only thing that mattered to him. I was his mother. I got tired of nagging. I felt alone and unappreciated. I thought he would not take care of me if I ever needed it when I was old. How could I when he couldn’t take care of the simplest of things……picking up after himself. This article made me cry because of how much truth it contained. I hope someone that needs to reads it before it is too late for their relationship. great writing.
There are things we all do that irritate our partners. One of the best things we can do is learn how not to be irritated by small things. It took 3 years for my boyfriend to fill in some forms that I concluded he wanted me to sort out. I waited until he worked out that he was going to have to do it himself. I’m still waiting to see how long before he applies for his passport; it expired over 5 years ago!
Meantime there are lots of things I do that irritate him. We are still learning to live with each other. It will probably take the rest of our lives.
My mother asked my father not to leave his clothes inside out/half inside out. She washed them as they were presented and gave them back as they were. He could continue to take his clothes off in a way that suited him and she handled it in a way that suited her. Things never work out if we make battlegrounds out of trivial stuff.
Please turn in your man card.
I’ll comment, though I probably shouldn’t. Having difficulty understanding this, because I am a man and act totally opposite. I am neat as a pin, and have been since I was a child. I’ve never known a woman who was as obsessed with cleanliness and organization more than I. My late wife was a wonderful cook, and our agreement was always that she would cook, and I would clean up the resulting mess. Unfair advantage, I suppose, because I actually love to clean and keep things organized. Truth be told, I couldn’t sleep at night knowing there was something dirty in or near the kitchen sink. Now, that is MY mental issue, and not once in 26 years did I ever hold it against her that she wasn’t as nutty or obsessed about something as I. Unfortunately, cancer brought that nearly perfect relationship to an end. And only now, as I have entered the dating scene again, do I realize how wonderfully we fit together…….I will not expound further.
My current girlfriend is a hard worker, and her house suffers for it. I have offered to go over and clean some things that she has really let go, and she will have none of that. She is embarrassed by it, and has no time to fix it, while I am a little bothered that she will not allow me to serve her in this little way.
I guess I don’t understand the “do this for me or I won’t stay with you” attitude. I love serving and helping the ones I love, and I love for that to be reciprocated, but it isn’t a requirement. I won’t be hitting the bricks if you aren’t as service oriented as I. I don’t fall in love with a woman because I am anticipating all the stuff she’ll do for me. I fall in love with her because I love HER……whatever her features or faults, and why would I want to change someone I love?
I don’t know how long Matt was married, but as a person married going on 33 years now, I can say that many small issues that could become big issues came up in my marriage. I would sometimes feel, for example, when my husband would unload and put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher, that he had never lived in the house and had no idea where to put things. Then I worked past that and realized I was happy that he unloaded the dishwasher at all and didn’t mind moving a couple of items to their place. A marriage is a matter of compromise, of finding what works between you because you love that person and being with them is important enough to work on it. I do the things that are important to me to be done a certain way and he does other things. I fold the laundry, he takes out the trash (when he wants to). We both cook. We both shop for groceries. I change the sheets and he cleans the toilets. It’s a matter of getting over what bothers you and working out a way to compromise. As far as the respect goes, I give respect and I get respect. It’s easy to respect a man that gives equally to the marriage. If a man or woman “expected” to be cared for by the other and didn’t expect to care for the other in turn, it wouldn’t work. Both must contribute equally, even if in different ways, for a marriage to work.
Agreed there. She should have looked past this issue (not just the physical issue of the dishes but also the deeper implications). I am sure there were ways where she caused him to feel, negatively, that “rocked his core foundations” etc etc. But you have to compromise, no one is perfect in a relationship but you can tell which one is the selfish one and the entitled one, the one who refuses to work it out and leaves!
Will you marry me? Lol
I just left my wife after reading this cause she left a can of Dr Pepper on the table I hate that …thanks for opening my eyes
The timing of your article and insights came when i am right at that threshold…right at that place where all those little things for 24 years have caused me to want to say goodbye and to move on to a place where i can experience a person who truly does care.
I am capable of caring about all the things my husband needs…i need a partner who can see me as human and all those little things are how we express our character, our love and how we show another that we see them as human.
Its hard to feel human when someone doesnt see you as human.
I “get” this whole blog post, its insightful to a point but I think the insight is a starting point to the discussion, not a destination as is presented.
I am sure there were also things your “innocent” wife did that eroded the foundations of your marriage on a subconscious level, even reading this piece how about the issue of control? A grown man can feel trapped and imprisoned with a spouse that needs a high level of control for whatever reason. Its all just a tip of a larger iceberg I think. But all of that is just life…
The big picture is that a relationship is not going to work if there is no compromise. You put the dishes away and there will be something else you are not doing correctly, forever and ever. We all have a myriad of reasons to leave, really, she should have looked at your side of things and not just elevated her own needs.
Someone told me something great – we are attracted to acceptance and freedom – that rings true for me, and I think being the person offering that is the secret to all of it (though its hard). You live and learn.
Very good article, thank you.! But I can tell you that 30+ years ago, my uncle divorced his wife and this was one of the reasons he gave to the judge. He was dead serious about it. He has never remarried.
Your points may be somewhat well identified but you are still missing the point. Your entire dialog is about symptoms not the problem and you will never cure the problem by treating symptoms. Your wife did not leave you because of a dirty dish or the fact that you were disrespecting her. No, your wife ended your marriage because you don’t respect yourself enough to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Her actions are symptoms of your relationship to yourself. If I interpret what you are saying in your article then you would be perfectly happy living in an unkempt house with your yard looking like a South American jungle and that would be just fine because there are a million other things you would rather do. I have to ask how often you would wash clothes if she wasn’t around? My point is this : your wife left because you will not do those things FOR yourself and your philosophy of doing those things because you love and respect her will eventually engender anger and more disrespect for her. This isn’t about why men aren’t emotional about dirty dishes, it’s about questioning why you don’t care enough about yourself ( or feel this is the level of care you deserve or a hundred other psychological reasons we do thing) to give that level of self care to yourself. When you figure that out you will start to attract people into your life who respect you because YOU respect you.
So let me get this straight.
Because I’m watching Thursday Night Football, and casually setting my water glass by the sink (intending to use it again) and not yet realizing how things like this can erode relationships, it demonstrates that I don’t have self-respect.
Because I don’t dust my house as often as my ex-wife dusts her house, it means I don’t respect myself?
Because I don’t do laundry as methodically as my ex-wife did, I don’t respect myself?
That’s what you’re saying. My tendency to procrastinate or avoid things I don’t like doing (independent of a partner’s wants or needs) indicates deep psychological damage and little self-worth?
I want to be crystal clear that I’m getting this right before I say more.
In essence, yes. It was not my intention to trigger you although your carefully chosen words in your response show that I have. I wanted to make it clear that problems are never as simple as they appear. Western society rarely cures problems because we persue the quickest most equitable solution to alleviate the nagging symptom ( from medicine to politics) and not look deep enough to actually locate the problem. Usually because doing so brings up the fact that we, either by thought or deed are the creator of the problem. This usually means we will have to change our beliefs or behaviors. When we persue why we have such beliefs or actions we usually trace it to our early childhood experiences. By this I mean ( from a male perspective) our relationship to our mother or the significant female in our upbringing. Looking at this relationship honestly and how we act and react and the reasons for those actions or reactions in our adult life and then seeking to change such negative behaviors generally creates pain. It is a painful path that’s why most people don’t do it. Humans abhor pain and we persue pleasure every chance we get. Secondly we rarely do anything without a reward in one form or another. Your reward if you could have changed sooner would have been to still be married. There is a reward for going through the pain, though it is not visible at the onset. That is, our life functions easier. We don’t act out with unknown subliminal reasons for our behaviors. We aren’t as reactive to what people say or do. All this leads to less chaos in our lives. This is what I was demonstrating, not a personal attack.
I didn’t take it as an attack. I promise. There are plenty of attacks here and you can tell the difference.
I just think I’m a reasonably smart guy. I’m not likely to solve any advanced math theorems or engineer renewable energy, but I’m pretty skilled at digesting information and saying: “Sure. That makes sense.” Or “Ummmm. That seems totally not true.”
And in this case. It seems totally not true.
When guests come to my home, there are not glasses laying by the sink.
If my fuel light comes on in my car, I fill up even if it’s inconvenient.
When I’m low on groceries, I buy food.
When my son or I needs clean clothes, I work on laundry.
Prior to whatever trigger or deadline prompts me to action, I am not working hard on this things because I’d rather have a beer with my friends, or watch a movie, or read a book, or write something for millions of strangers to psychoanalyze.
I’m not suggesting I’m awesome. I’m not suggesting I don’t have issues stemming from childhood when my parents split at the age of 4 and I grew up always 500 miles away from one of my parents and half of my friends and family.
What I’m saying is I don’t think there is a shred of evidence that the reason I leave a glass by the sink or wait ’til Sunday night to do three loads of laundry is related to how much self-respect I have.
If I super-duper-duper loved myself 500 percent more than I do right now, I don’t imagine I would all the sudden invest more energy in menial tasks I only do when required or when I have company.
I’m just trying to understand. These are the things that interest me.
What a load of bollocks. He leaves a cup sink-side because he doesn’t respect himself?
Maybe if he doesn’t rinse it out and comes strolling in the next morning and fixes a drink without rinsing it;
But, no man on Earth has ever thought “I’m such garbage, I don’t deserve a clean glass. I’m going to leave it by the sink because only a more fulfilled man cleans, rinses, and dries his cup that he may use in an hour!!!!!!!”. That’s what women think a man’s mental/psychological process is like apparently.
THANK YOU!!! I’m reading this in tears because THIS is why I won’t ever allow myself to fall in love again! THIS is what happened in my marriage & it was so painful I just can’t get myself to trust again. I would respect his wishes & do what I knew was important to him… I’m so glad someone can finally put it into words because he made me feel like I was over-reacting. This should be required reading for any couple thinking about marriage or moving in together.
I left my husband after 20 years. I warned him for so many years he was going to end up losing his family. He would literally watch me clean house, laundry, split up wood mow lawn take care of kids etc and not help out. I also worked a full time job. I yelled at him, tried talking calmly to him and nothing ever changed. I finally quit talking to him at all after he said it was not his job to do those thing and he would not help me. The last few years as I prepared myself and kid for leaving the unhealthy situation was hell. I learned never to depend on a man or anyone but yourself. I wish I had realized many years before that I deserved to be treated better. Zero respect from him. He came home from work and sat in chair drinking all night. Man or women chores sbould be shared and on days one may not feel so well the other needs to step up to the plate and do more. .
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You are completely overthinking this entire thing. If your marriage broke up over glasses not put in the dishwasher, it was pretty shaky in the first place. If a dirty glass – a DIRTY GLASS, not infidelity, not spousal abuse, not financial irresponsibility led to the end of your marriage, you are better off in single blessedness. All this rationalization, where you manage to work leaving dirty glasses on the counter to failing to give wifey what she needs in the way of respect and love is bunkum, sir. Anyone who can equate such a petty thing into a lack of respect from a spouse needs to be on their own to have their house the way they want it without anyone “disrespecting” them by committing the ultimate crime of not adhering strictly to THEIR standards. Marriage is about compromise – on both sides. Did she ever think that her bitching at you about such a tiny thing was every bit as disrespectful to you as your leaving the glass out in the first place seemed to her? If I were you, I’d be dancing in the streets that the crabby lady was gone. Oh yes, and I’m a woman, been through two marriages where husbands were physically and emotionally abusive and serially unfaithful, as well as such terrible spendthrifts that they bankrupted us – and pathological liars as well, who exposed me to the risk of STDs. That is what you leave a marriage over, not a goddamned dirty glass or other similar minutiae. And then you bask in the peace of knowing that you are living a much more peaceful and fulfilling life, free of other people’s unrealistic expectations or unkindness.
I couldn’t have said it better.
I’m very sorry that you’ve been so badly hurt. And you may be correct that this author’s marriage was already shaky. But I’m sorry, you’re wrong and it’s very callous to belittle others feelings by saying that little things don’t equate to lack of respect. Having been through a very similar situation, I can assure you that the author is totally spot on. When men make a woman act like their mother and disregard (often multiple) requests to please help out our at least act like an adult and put things away, it does indeed make you feel unloved and unappreciated. On top of that, it makes you lose all respect for him. It breaks down the essential things two ppl need from the relationship in the first place and it can cause terrible damage. Not every marriage ends bc of abuse or infidelity. Everyone deserves to feel loved and cherished, and to be happy. Just bc they didn’t endure add extreme of a situation as you did doesn’t make them any less deserving of happiness, or their feelings any less valid. It’s sad that someone who is such a survivor is so quick to judge or be hateful to another’s situation.
You are totally missing the point of his entire post. It wasn’t about a glass by the sink. It was about the underlying feelings of respect and importance each individual placed on the minutiae of a glass by the sink. Abuse and infidelity are also terrible things, obviously. But unhappiness can be found in the subtle actions of spouses in everyday living. Being taken for granted isn’t physically hurtful, but can be emotionally devastating. And no one but the people in a marriage can know what will or won’t be okay for them to stay in said marriage.
Well I agree! If there is respect it will go both ways! It”s not the glass that caused the split, it’s the cumulative of little things that caused conflict.
The glass was the cherry on top of the sundae.
Instead of trying to prove you are right all the time, choose your battles.
So good you have realized it, so apply it in a new relationship. Good luck !
Yeah, I agree. I couldn’t even read all of this it was so crazy. Maybe I missed the point somehow. I am also a woman and I am guilty leaving dirty glasses by the sink. I would never be in a relationship with someone who is SO petty. I guess I’m the jerk for totally underestimating the damage I’m doing to my relationship with my completely lack of sensitivity. Is it possible that I’m a slob and nothing more?
Ditto ?
Yeah, you’re not giving the whole story or you’re trying to make her look evil by making her sound absurd.
No I’m afraid thus is spot on. But you stick to your perspective and see how happy your marriage is.
It’s not about the glass it’s about respect. Maybe you should reread it.
Wow you missed the point! I have been there and had that happen too jj but it all started somewhere and if you truly look back on both your marriages you will see they started failing over disrespect on His part and in not loving and respecting you as he should have as a husband! If they did respect and love you as he was talking about this thing wouldn’t have happened to you in those marriages just like they wouldn’t have happened to me. And just maybe we wouldn’t have let it go that far and put up with all the disrespect that we did!
Uh, you seem to go for a certain type of man, men who are not healthy for you. I know this sounds snarky, but I hope you’ve gotten counseling.
It wasn’t about the glass, it was about what the glass symbolized. I think he got it. The glass and probably a myriad of other things probably left his wife feeling unheard, unloved and disrespected. All of those things can lead to a lack of intimacy and cause a couple to drift apart.
To the People who are replying to this post saying that TF missed the point, you are wrong. Yes, we get it. The dirty dishes symbolized respect, blah, blah, blah. Why are people so fking sensitive? IT IS DIRTY DISHES. People get divorced for much bigger reasons. Infidelity, spousal abuse, money problems, ETC. Looking into to every little thing is ridiculous. Did he wake up to go to work because he doesn’t want to stay home with me? Or is it because he needs to provide? Men are very VERY fking simple creatures. If we love you, we say it. If we don’t like you we show it. Don’t over analyze men we don’t have ulterior motives.
I’m one of those wives. . .I nag my husband about leaving a glass by the sink, socks on the floor, crumbs in the bed. I continuously turn his dirty socks right side out and wipe his beard hairs off the bathroom counter. . .it drives me nuts. He’ll do the dishes and I’ll have to wash them again, he shrinks my shirts when he does laundry and leaves boot prints on floor and I step in them with my sock feet.
But you know what? He changes the oil in my car and carries the heavy groceries in the house. If it’s raining he runs and gets the car and brings it to the door so I don’t get wet. He lets me eat off his plate and always shares his treats. He empties the litter box cause he knows I hate doing it and always is willing to help me when I ask. He works tirelessly for an income and holds me when I cry. He still tells me I’m beautiful after all the weight I’ve gained, and he puts up with my crap when I’ve had a bad day and he knows it’s not about him. He loves he unconditionally and has my back when no one else does. He makes me laugh every single day.
To me if I have to turn a few dirty socks in every now and then or put a glass in the sink, it’s a fair trade. Marriage is about give and take, not about keeping score. I’ll gladly sleep in crumbs the rest of my life if I know I get to sleep next to him.
Pick your battles ladies.
Yes!
You missed the entire point of the example and honestly I think he chose a really poor one. Its not the item… its the act and the thoughtlessness
That man you describe could leave a glass by the sink ANY day. You are getting SO much obvious love and support from him. But I had none of that. And I got the glass by the sink. I didn’t get abused, cheated on, etc. But the day to day evidence of no regard for what I wanted or needed, which can take the form of that glass and a million other things, was too much for me after 14 years.
I’m with a guy now who is much like you describe above. I will gladly clean up what little he leaves in his wake. Not the crumbs in the bed though. Gonna have to brush those suckers out before I can sleep!
Amen, thank you.
I think that was the point. When it’s not a give and take, a woman becomes not a wife but a mother or a maid. I didn’t get married to have an extra kid who is too large to discipline.
Behave like an adult gentlemen.
I could have written the above myself! We are lucky women!
I totally get what you’re saying here. My husband made a game out of how long he could drive his vehicle without running out of gas. Even when he knew that I would need to use his vehicle he would never fill it up. I used to ask him why and sometimes get mad and he would laugh it off and tell me to relax. I would always fill up the vehicle and for years this went on. Until one day I came home (after using the vehicle and finding it on ‘E’ one more time} and in tears said to him, “you must really dislike me. You obviously have very little respect for me.” He looked at me in surprise and asked what I was talking about. So I sat down and explained to him how it made me feel whenever I used his vehicle and it was always low on fuel. Then I got up and walked out of the room. I never said another word about it but I have never used one of our vehicles since and had to worry about low fuel. I think he finally understood how disrespected I felt and that I couldn’t understand how he could take such pleasure in making me so upset. In my mind, if you love someone, then you will always be looking for little ways to make them happy just because. I also used to tell him that I didn’t care what he cooked for supper, it would just be nice to come home from work and have it ready once in awhile. It’s not about the food or the fuel or whatever, it’s the thoughtfulness towards your partner that’s important. After 35 years of marriage he has improved 125% but it hasn’t been easy.
You got it! Very nice answer!
“I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.” … Actually, that is part of the problem; that you don’t care why. “Why” is because we are not your maid and not your mother. “Why?” does matter and saying that it doesn’t matter if you take the time to understand that does dismiss our feelings, our intelligence, our thoughts, and our time. Understanding why helps avoid any bitterness or mocking on your part… as illustrated with the comment about toast. If you don’t care why, that’s the root of the problem. Care about why.
Maybe I didn’t write it very well. I have a real problem with that sometimes.
Sometimes husbands don’t understand their wives. There’s just an unbridgeable disconnect in the way their minds work and the way they argue.
He doesn’t understand why the glass thing matters to her insomuch as he doesn’t emotionally experience it the same in a reversed-role scenario.
So, what I’m saying there is, you don’t even need to understand why in order to make doing some little thing for your wife, like say this glass in the dishwasher, something to care about. You simply need to be aware (and I’m telling you–he’s mostly unaware of the feelings he doesn’t know you feel about it) that it DOES matter to her in a way that isn’t petty and superficial.
Sure, the Why matters. But once a husband can say: “it matters to her, therefore, I will handle with care,” all the ugly feelings everyone is talking about here, go away.
I want to cry reading this. My husband tells everyone that I almost divorced him over a peice of toast, and I’d quickly correct him in front of said people that it wasn’t about the dang toast!!! He still doesn’t get it. I’m definitely sending this his way!!!
I’m totally with you, except for the paragraph where you describe how men are good at stuff like organ transplants and other really hard things. There’s a level of condescension in in that paragraph that strikes me as every bit as important as the dirty dishes, sir. Because WOMEN ARE MORE THAN CAPABLE OF ALL OF THAT.
Rest assured no slight was intended.
We have scientific evidence that men are capable of challenging, impressive things.
Ergo, one can safely conclude that men could also be awesome at marriage, where I currently don’t believe most men are.
Despite my best efforts, I can’t detect the condescension.
I assure you, if I thought men were better or smarter or more capable than women, I’d just say so. It’s my distinct pleasure to share my thoughts and opinions.
That’s very flawed logic, because most challenging impressive things DO NOT have the human element in the equation.
For example, a man can carve a statue out of granite. Wow it’s very impressive. But at any time did the piece of marble say, “The way you’re carving me makes me look fat, do it better!”
Of course not.
Being “good” at marriage is literally impossible as an individual. It requires BOTH parties to be “good” at the skills necessary to make a marriage succeed. A man can do everything in his power to be good at a marriage, and if the woman isn’t having it, it’s fucked. Same for the woman.
It’s not that flawed. OF COURSE the marriage can’t survive without both spouses. A marriage by definition is one thing. One whole comprised of two parts.
I write for husbands because that’s the experience I understand. And I want them to take more responsibility and invest more of themselves in their marriages.
I know LOTS of dudes. I know how hard they work. How much time they invest studying for fantasy football drafts. How much they workout. How much they watch ball games or play Madden or Call of Duty on PlayStation or Xbox.
And I submit that there a lot of men out there who, if they apply the same amount of energy to their wives and family as they do these diversions, will be rewarded with really satisfying relationships with their wives and children, NOT get divorced, and eliminate most of the their common marital complaints because I think their wives STOP frustrating them once her emotional needs are being met now that they’re communicating and speaking the same language for the first time ever.
I don’t have any idea what the female experience is. Or what wives feel. Or what it’s like to carry and birth children.
I write what I know and/or what I think I know.
Because wifehood isn’t one of those things, my attention is on husbands.
And it’s supposed to be helpful and encouraging. Not critical and belittling.
I’m probably doing it wrong. But I’ll probably keep doing it anyway.
Seriously, calm down. This in no way came across as sexist. It’s mainly saying that a man can do all these things so why is this other thing so hard? If the story was from a woman’s perspective, it would say women can do all these things.
Shelly, he isn’t saying women are not good at those thing or that only men are. He’s making a comparison between how hard a heart surgery is and how hard it is to put a glass in the dishwasher. I kinda felt that way at first too, but don’t believe that’s how he meant it when he wrote it.
Ya don’t say…
A LOT of relationships have a wide range of issues just like this. So what the fuck is the actual problem then?
Communication.
But wait! There’s more!
Of course there is. Communication is only Step 1. From then on out, the person who has done the talking as the aggrieved, needs to step back, give it some time, and re-assess.
Here’s a clue… it’s exactly what happened in mine, but with a different outcome. I used to get flustered when I’d have to troll the living room / family room for plates / coffee cups that were left out in some way-too-tired-early-am hour. I get it. But it was a complete slob in my mind. Because well, critters. I’m not real big on critters freeloadin’ it between my clearly delineated boundaries made of aluminum, tyvek, wood, fiberglass, and pulverized sedimentary rock sandwiched between two sheets of paper, and coated with colored plastic.
I brought it up, multiple times, but it was STILL happening, even months later.
And then I realized something…
The ONLY one this seems to bother is *me*. I did something which most commentators seem to miss: I changed my mindset and made it an act of service. I quit trying to make it about *me*, and how it made my life miserable, and how offended I was, and how she “needed to stop making more work for *me*” – I particularly enjoyed that one.
In the grand schema of playing life, here was for overly simplistic terms, an already perfect person – if I could just get her to stop doing this one thing. It’s all about *me*, because she wasn’t quite perfect enough… just yet. If she could just see it from my point of view, as to how important this was to *me*.
I have a thing about finding the capital-T Truth. In this instance it fails this test of making everything an act of service, because well if she would just stop f*&#ing that other guy… there is an obvious moral breakdown of lines that should not be crossed. However in the original context, it does hold up because it’s not grounds for a termination of a relationship.
This is where the truth does come out:
Clearly communicate unmet expectations (without passive aggressive bullshit).
Cut each other slack, and emotionally let it go.
If your expectation is still unmet: do it yourself – because you are being a **helpmate** to your partner.
If your expectation is now being met: thank them for it.
Your partner is doing exactly the same thing with you.
It stops being a service or ‘being a helpmate’ out of love to the other person when they refuse to do you the same service.
It stops being a easy thing to compromise on when they expect you to just do it, then you’re becoming a maid or a mother or something that is not a partner and marriage is about partnership not about ignoring your needs and compromising your beliefs and ideals to suit the other person.
Marriage/partnership is a two-way street.
Precisely. Hence the communication up front, and continuously. Without reciprocity you’re just feeding an ego that becomes the path of least resistance into selfishness, and ends up morphing into narcissism.
Communication up front without the passive aggressive attitude, clearly lays out ground rules – and that is acknowledgement out of kindness is the actions put into words of how “we are doing exactly the same thing for each other.”
You. Are. Brilliant.
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Absolutely agree, great from a guys perspective.
The article didn’t say where we’re supposed to put the glass if we’re not done with it and what if our wives don’t like it left where the author recommends leaving it. So we’re supposed to put a clean glass in the dishwasher? I hope this is just an example of something larger. I though women these days were supposed to be strong and confident. Doesn’t seem so if the need reassurance in everything the do.
Communication. If you’re still using the glass (maybe later), TELL her. But when I’ve just finished preparing the whole dinner AND cleaning up the kitchen, and he waltz’s in to put a dirty dish/glass in the sink instead of the open dishwasher, then I feel disrespected and unappreciated. He forces me to be his “mother” and tell him to put it in the dishwasher……EVERY TIME!!
David,
Your grammar is as bad as your logic and I’m sure you have a wife who’s self esteem you’ve so broken she thinks you’re the best she can do or go to bed with your hand every night. You TOTALLY missed the point. Women don’t need reassurance as to every little thing- they need some semblance of acknowledgement that you care about someone other than yourself. Even slightly.
Then let’s change the scenario.
Should I have gotten angry about an empty beer bottle left on the hardwood bedroom floor one night?
What about 4 bottles? Or 9? Or 3 dozen? (I counted 39 the last time I cleaned up the mess in this scenario.)
How long should they sit there drawing bugs and stinking up the room before I’m “allowed” to get angry about his disregard for garbage in the bedroom, 2 days? A week? Two months? (Record: 5 months before I couldn’t stand it any more and put on gloves to clean up this unique to him mess that wasn’t an issue when he moved in. He got comfortable living there and got complacent about being part of the team that takes care of the place.)
Or should I, as I did, expecting my husband to be a thinking adult, have fixed the mess and said “Please don’t leave your empty beer bottles on the hardwood bedroom floor. One of us could get cut on a cap or broken glass in the middle of the night, and when your cat knocks them over, the clinking wakes me up. I’ve cleaned them up for now. Please get them to the recycling before you go to bed moving forward so we can get rid of the gnats in the bedroom.”
Cue the cycle restarting itself, and every reminder that I’d asked him to be responsible for his own mess was ‘picking a fight’ and ‘overreacting’ and ‘crazy’.
I put up with it since he quit his full time job in 2011 until this summer, when trying everything I knew how to do to make clear that his laziness about a number of things *including* recycling beer bottles was unsanitary, unsafe, and unkind. When the fights got violent on his part and hopeless and repetitive, I left.
Matt, you nailed it. In reading this blog post, I was reading what I had hoped my ex-husband would realized before we finally split up. In my case, I didn’t leave. He did. Apparently I was such a nag about asking him to help around the house and acknowledge the things I cared about that he just found somebody else.
I trace nearly all of our conflict back to this fundamental lack of understanding about how to show love and respect to his wife and to be a partner in life. All my pleas for recognition and help just poured fuel on his selfish bonfire of belief that all conflict was my fault. The lowest point in my life was when I discovered his affair and he was unremorseful, unwilling to end it, and tried to make me feel that I just wasn’t good enough. He put forth zero effort to understand me or put any effort into the marriage. He couldn’t even articulate any big issues in the marriage. Once he was found out, he just bolted.
Two years after the divorce was final, he was still doing it. I had to call him about a financial item in the agreement that he hadn’t fulfilled, and he proceeded to insult me, mock me, and make selfish excuses for why he hadn’t done it. Unbelievable. I am SOOOOOO much better off without him. As excruciatingly painful as it was to go through the divorce, I am so grateful that I didn’t spend the next several decades living in frustration, insecurity, and unhappiness with him. I remarried and my husband is very helpful and a true partner, even if I do have to remind him to show some concern about how I feel. (He is an engineer, after all!)
Ok, makes sense. Except my husband is the one who gets all bent about the glass. Now what? 😉
Now, I want to know what you DO care about. And how you feel when that boundary is violated.
Whatever the answer is, is “the glass.”
Which was the entire point. Well done. Look forward to reading more.
Thank you!
Thank you. I can’t believe how people are so convinced this is a man/woman thing. It’s a HUMAN thing. You think queer couples don’t have this issue? I broke up with my ex girlfriend because she was the the one who left the mess. It hurt me so much because she was a total slob and knew I hated mess, and cared so little about me that she made NO effort to keep things even a little tidy for me. This isn’t literally about a glass, people. Stop being intentionally obtuse.
Women care about men leaving a used glass next to the dishwasher because we are not your maids and your hand is not broken and you can put the damn glass in the dishwasher. Not because you’re psychic. Not because you’re an expert in household management. Because you’re all grown up and your hands work.
The adult male in this household is fond of generating trash in the kitchen and then NOT WALKING THE THREE OR FOUR STEPS TO THE TRASH CAN AND THROWING IT IN.
This is a problem*. I’m so glad I’m not married to him. It’s never going to happen, either; our residence together is entirely a matter of convenience for both of us. Soon as that’s no longer the case I will move on and I will not regret it one bit.
In further matter of fact I’m not likely to cohabit with a male again, even if I am exceedingly fond of him. Why should I? The average salary for a maid in the United States is $23,130; maid plus prostitute is considerably more. How many men will pay that? None except the sadists, who are more after the prostitute work than the maid work. Even if they would pay for the maid work, $23k is not enough to live on in most areas of the country. No thank you, I’ll clean up my own messes.
[*And not the only problem, but this is your blog and you are not here to hear all about my problems, because therapists run about $200 an hour or so and I just don’t have that kinda scratch sitting around my house, in my bank account or elsewhere. See how this works?]
Good post. Wives also need to remember that the relationship/marriage works both ways. Just as he should remember to put his glass in the sink/dishwasher, she should remember to show her appreciation. It’s a two way street. (And trust, clear communication, and total respect for one another are important.)
Why should she show her appreciation when you clean up after yourself? That should be a given.
It should be a given, yes. However, expressions of gratitude have caused zero divorces in history.
You mean like the Medicare supplement policy commercial? Wife: We need to talk. Husband: I took out the trash. Wife: Yes, and I thank you so much for that.
Did your Momma thank you for going potty in the bathroom when you were 10 years old? Grow up.
Whose responsibility is it to change? Who should compromise a need to suit the other person’s need? There has to be balance. If I take steps to demonstrate my love and respect then my spouse needs to be doing the same. It’s not a contest and I don’t keep score but really, in my head, over the years, yes, I am kinda keeping score. I’ll put the water glass in the dishwasher but you need to learn to park your car on your side of the garage. There are things in my head and in my heart that are just as important to me as that water glass might be to her. If my wife loves me, respects me, supports me….. She’ll make compromises to satisfy what’s important to me just like I’m doing for her. I left my wife because she wasn’t. Her idea of compromise was me changing to suit her needs. It was too one-sided. Yes, men generally should understand the little acts that have deeper meaning for their lovers and they should understand that doing these acts goes a long way toward a happy, long-lasting relationship. But women…Women need to understand that they need to choose their battles and sometimes, it might be good to just deal with what their man does because it goes a long way toward and happy, long-lasting relationship. Their is a shared need for sensitivity between both.
Sir,
Well said!
Excellent article. Except sometimes it is not about wanting love and respect. Sometimes it is just about wanting fairness in sharing the burdens of daily living. It is slowly starting to happen, but all too often women still end up doing “The second shift”. Title of an excellent book on the topic by Arlie Hochschild.
Exactly! The second shift can be a bitch and some nights I find myself quietly seething about it being my responsibility by default. Because I want real food and a clean kitchen?! We are 45 years old…I literally hate the grocery store these days.
This really could be life-changing for many marriages.
one of the best books I read during the final break up of my nd long term relationship was M.Scott Peck’s Road Less Travelled.
One of his many analogies on page 179 was his comparison between a marriage and a base camp for mountaineering. A good base camp provides shelter and provisions where one can receive nurturence and rest before one ventures forth to another summit. He states that successful mountain climbers know they must spend at least as much time tending to the base camp as their survival is dependant on its sturdy construction and well maintained supplies.
Umm yeah, are you me? From the future? Damn you! My wife sends me these articles like this so I have to read them, and you just validate that many men are just people of surface value, and women are emotion filled deeper than the Marianas Trench.
I’m not even trying to make value judgments. (Like suggest her feelings or more important than yours or vice versa. It’s irrelevant, actually.) As a matter of practicality, men who want to remain married should understand WHY his wife is upset about the glass by the sink. (Or whatever thing upsets her.)
His failure to understand the Why prevents him from being able to manage the conflict.
Bad things ensue.
All I’ve ever tried to do here is provide maybe a different way to think about things, with the hopes that other guys who want to stay married can stay married.
I apologize if you don’t care and if you feel like it totally doesn’t apply to you.
It’s not for everyone. But I’m always hopeful it’s something for someone. Usually, it turns out that it is.
Thanks for reading.
I’m going to take on faith that you aren’t just of surface value.
… the emotion thing, is complicated. There are more than two thousand years of culture (the sort written by men, women, I’m sure, always had our own opinions) that opined that men were creatures of reason, where women were creatures of emotion, but have you ever thought about that? Really? Because while men and women typically have somewhat different emotional ranges*, there isn’t any evidence that men are less emotional than women – actually, some studies have found the reverse, in terms of emotional stability. Women cry about four times more frequently. Men commit murder about seven times more frequently (okay, I jest – I mean, that’s a real number, you can look up the crime statistics, but the important thing is expression of anger, not actual murderous rage, for most guys, I’m pretty sure.) Men’s emotions are normalized in our culture – while women’s tend to be normalized only in typically feminine contexts, and are otherwise pathologized. There’s some great research out there about differences in epinephrine response, if such things float your boat.
I’m pretty sure you have emotions. You might not think of them that way. You might be used to thinking of your emotional responses as “reason”. Or you might work really hard not to think of them at all. (I seriously have no clue, having never met you – the above are just some really common ways guys who aren’t particularly introspective deal.) You don’t have to get all touchy-feely, but it might be hard for you to relate to your wife’s emotions if you’re clueless or in denial about your own. So, I guess I hope you aren’t, but maybe if you are just thinking about them differently will help. I don’t think it has to be some big traumatic thing.
Obviously, your wife is sending you these for a reason. And I figure you’re posting for a reason. I’m writing, because my ex claims to still love me, and I’m massively better off without him (and I stuck it out longer than I should have, but at least I don’t wonder if maybe if I’d just done more somehow we could have made it work)… but it sounds like maybe both of you are still trying? You can get through a lot of glasses with good faith and caring. Talk to her. Listen to her. Talk about what’s important to you. Maybe hire a housekeeper (or otherwise consider creative solutions.)
* I would hypothesize this this is both hormonal and cultural, but seriously, we don’t have all the data. Anyhow, I don’t think this is the place, by which I mostly mean, don’t get me started or I’ll start babbling neurochemistry.
Ah yes, “studies.” Care to share some of them?
Married 30 years. Separated 2 months. I told my husband he had to go. He did. My husband still doesn’t get this stuff. Not sure how I hung in so long. I guess I really, really, really liked him. Everything you say about women here is true. The Open Letter To Shitty Husbands stuff – A huge relief for me to read that too. My husband at 55 yrs old still thinks he is entitled to not have to care about how he makes me feel. He still thinks this is not his job, and that is hugely unreasonable to for me to wish he did. Some men don’t get it, ever, and ladies, don’t waste your whole life waiting. I knew many times over the years that it was broken, but with kids, etc etc…. My son told me recently (he’s 19) I should have left sooner. Hard to hear. You try so very hard to do right by your kids, above all else, as a mom. I hate regretting this and wondering what better life I could have given my son, if I’d respected what I knew was true, years ago.
And this is why I am moving out and moving on. Totally agree with this post.
I love this, I am HER!! Silently analyzing myself, wondering why I don’t deserve his effort, why everything is more important, crying to myself (obviously no one else listens )because I am so resentful. I wish my husband could read this and understand.
This is just so. spot. on. Great post. Cheers!
The older you get, the less the glass (aka metaphor for whatever little irritating thing seems to be a symbol for lack of respect, lack of caring, lack of love) matters and the more the person matters. Unfortunately, this is not possible to learn until you have a lot of mileage under your belt. And if it does matter all that much, then this is not the person for you. It really is that simple. Take it from a lady of a certain age: the person perfect for you is the person who irritates you the least.
You are exactly correct. Especially the last line!
Wow! Just wow! Thank you for sharing, and I will definitely be sharing – marriage has to be intentional to work, and you really summed it up here. Not just the wife’s side, but also the man’s. There’s stuff for us all in this one.
Thank you for this article! It’s a perfect example of how a man can DIE for his wife. DIE as in dying to yourself – not as in if someone holds a gun to your head dying. It’s giving up your desires, and bad habits to show her your LOVE for her. It’s Biblical: “Men, love your wives as Christ loved the Church – that He gave His life for her.” Most men say they would die for their wife – but this article shows him HOW. Cause most men think it’s a gun-to-your-head-dying. Well, it could be, considering the state of our society, but mostly, it’s thinking about what SHE wants – before you do what YOU want. Thanks for sharing this!
And what should the wife do in return?
I don’t understand… if he doesn’t pick up his mess, just don’t do it… If the house is falling apart, let it go! When he starts seeing 9 glasses in the sink NOT in the dishwasher, he will eventually get it. We do things and have to face consequences. If this is something that bothers me, then I DONT do it! If it bothers me to pick up his glass, then I don’t do it! My husband sometimes ask me to drop off his shirts for dry cleaning … I ask him to put them in the car… He doesn’t put them in the car, I don’t bring them to the dry cleaners. He has run out of shirts a few times, but now? I don’t even have to ask… The shirts are in the car every time.
This assumes a lot. I mean, I can see how you might think these are reasonable assumptions, but they don’t always apply. My ex once promised me that he’d wash the dishes every night for two weeks, and never did them. So I left them, and just washed what I needed for my own meals… it was pretty horrible. (And I can deal with a bit of clutter elsewhere, but left to my own devices, my kitchen will be spotless.) When I was in my teens and my roommates did something similar, I finally put the dirty dishes in their beds. Not something very practical to do to someone with whom you’re sharing a bed!
Of course, I didn’t leave over the dishes. The broken promises – of which the dishes were the least – were part of it, as was the constant belittling. But in the end, I realized that I couldn’t stay with him, which was making me miserable anyway, and pursue my career in science. (He’d announced that a) he’d decided he didn’t want to have children after all and b) he’d like me to stop working and stay home and take care of him.) And when it came to science, that he was putting more pressure on me at home, rather than supporting my new career. Research is a really challenging, demanding career – and so much better than being married to him.
But then, someone who hadn’t been a twit wouldn’t had tried to make me choose.
That’s a really nice thought, and I bet it would work well for some men, but others are a different story. If I didn’t pay the bills, they simple didn’t get paid, and I wasn’t willing to live without electricity. If I didn’t clean, the place was gross and the cat boxes stunk the whole house up and there were no clean dishes and mushrooms grew in the shower. I stopped doing his laundry, but almost everything else affected me more than I was willing to live with. He was overtly abusive in other ways and I finally had to leave. It’s really nice now to manage my household without someone else actively sabotaging my work.
No one has a sense of humor anymore. The couple could have had fun with this. She could have written “Hi” in lipstick on the glass and stuck it under his pillow or something. She could have gotten onto his facebook and (as him) posted something funny about his glass-leaving habit. Or made it a fun game, like you get X in the bedroom for every glass you put away. Either way, he’d have come around probably. What a shame. All this assumes he was thoughtful and considerate in other ways.
Thank you, Charlene. I’m quite torn in what I think of this article. You could change the genders and it would read the same.
My relationship gives me occasional frustrations with my wife never putting things back where she got them from!
It’s never going to end our togetherness, though!
By the way, we’ve been married 38 years and counting.
Yes, passive aggression is always a great, hysterical choice!
I come home from work or inside from gardening or doing outside chores or running errands, I don’t remember exactly, but anyway, something for the joint good. (Unemployed) husband is sitting reading. It’s late afternoon, early evening. I say, “I don’t get it. You like to eat and you like putting stuff together. Why don’t you cook?” Answer, “I thought of learning to cook but then I realized it would be a big pain in the ass every night for me and I decided not to.” I thought, “So someone else can have the big pain in the ass for YOUR benefit?” My marriage ended over an uncooked dinner. Your assessment is right on, in my experience, and it’s not so much the glass by the sink as it is the last straw in something that could be called “taking someone for granted.”
Reblogged this on Nicole Starleigh and commented:
A friend shared this on Facebook today. Now, I’m not even close to thinking about divorce, but I read this and instantly connected. It’s like he wrote this just for me. (He didn’t, of course.) It’s so real and so raw that it almost made me tear up. So I sent it to my husband, not to pick a fight but to say, “I hear you. Please hear me.” And it’s not that I haven’t said these things to him… It’s that I haven’t been able to articulate to him on this level – on his level.
simple n yet not so simple. i doubt he will ever understand
Absolutely so true! It’s about respect. It’s about feeling safe. This describes my life to a tee! How many times I have felt like an idiot for getting upset over something that seems so stupid yet time after time it’s the same. I am tired. I just want someone to say take the day off honey and I will take care of everything. This will not happen because nothing will get taken care of.
Maybe just maybe people need to know each other, live with each other before getting married. It is not just about respect and willingness to listen to what is important to your other, you also need to accept what your other is if you love them. Try to force change in someone else is not always seen as love, even if you meant that. People can be happy and accept each other under the most diverse conditions, I have seen people stay in love for decades and longer, maybe they only ate out? If you are not willing to accept each other and both willing to try and consider changing your behavior, maybe you should not get married?
I have never read something so accurate in my life. You hit the. nail. on. the. head. Thank you. Now get to teaching/counseling those men. ?
Correct men should just do. They should not question when they don’t understand, nor expect understanding, or an explanation they can understand. Nor should they always expect to be told what to do, just because they have always fixated on their Mother and followed her instructions, then once married moved this attention to the wife. It is stupidly believed that women being able to more often multitask, thus precieve more, that they should be the organizer, while the bulkier more narrow minded male should be the doer, as his attention on one thing tends to preclude everything else. Try having a conversation with him while he is engrossed in something.
Men do wish to do for their partner, but unfortunately once done they expect recognition, none given it is a wasted exercise, try praise, next time it will be done without asking, don’t forget the praise. Same when courting, he did or brought things to obtain praise, the more praise the more it was done, this is practice for marriage.
He is a man, but more importantly he is an animal, a angry animal. He wishes to protect his family by being the first line of defense, he wishes to keep his female for himself from other angry males, he wishes to feed his family especially meat, so he kills, he wishes to prove to his partner and all that he is good so he competes, finally and most importantly he wants/needs sex. He is angry all the time, ask him for a fight and see what happens, or poke or prod him, he is a beast that is always switched on for either fighting or sex, not a lot left for being reasonable.
You are absolutely correct men should do for women without being told, unfortunately they are not mind readers, nor are they built to be unthinking robots.
They are different to women, built different have different jobs different thought processes.
You address the symptom, and how to manage it as it constantly arises, would it not be better to address the cause, understand it and use this knowledge to remove the issue altogether by being understanding, this of course needs to be a two way street.
Continuing to go on this way that we do not understand each other but we should just react certain ways without understanding is not smart.
I BELIEVE THAT WOMEN ARE THE SUPERIOR OF THE TWO. WHAT A THING FOR A GAY MAN TO SAY, WHICH I AM.
Should not look upin them as the enemy, but as children, always looking for a females guidance and praise, from birth they have been trained to follow a womans instructions, don’t be angry at them for that. Learn about it and use it, you want something especially big done, ask nicely and even describe a reward for doing it, just a promise of a meal is usually enough. You have given them a job and a reward, if they di sonething you have a problem with don’t just keeo tellung thwm not too, that is asking for a fight they will usually go fir the fight, they don’t think like women you know that so why keep expecting them to change. Understand them and use that to your advantage. Oh use witholding sex against a man and all you are doing is forcing him away from you and to go elsewhere, it is a biological imperative to him that he has little or no control over.
Women know they have power over men with sex, it is lucky for men that women do not know just how much power or how to use that power. The power lies not so much in the act as in the mental and emotional responses.
Anyway i liked your artical and i agree men should do for women, just your aporoach misses some important behaviours.
Well said!
“Women know they have power over men with sex, it is lucky for men that women do not know just how much power or how to use that power. ”
With a ridiculous statement like that, you didn’t need to share that you’re gay. It’s self-evident.
http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/us/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time
Sometimes it takes just so little to show that we respect, love, and care. Indeed, once men can grasp that without analyzing too much about it, everything changes.
I agree with everyone saying their marriage must have been shaky anyway. No, a woman should not have to act like a mother just as much as a man should not have to be a father. Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s doing these small things, and she’s a HORRIBLE communicator if she couldn’t tell him these things bothered her. When you take the vows, you agree to work through things. There was something else going on. There’s no way in hell a smart, intelligent woman would ever divorce someone over such small things that made her “feel disrespected” without first trying to communicate with the person she felt “so in love” with before. Just some food for thought; guys shouldn’t have to be fucking mind readers. Get over yourself and act like an adult and communicate when something is wrong. What happens in ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE when there is a BLATANT LACK OF COMMUNICATION? Failure. Failure!!!
If she felt so self-entitled and too proud to even talk to him, then that’s pathetic. The man is better off without her, he will be able to find a woman who wants to love him and wants his love to a point where she will communicate the problems.
I could go on and on, but it’s just flat out stupid and obvious to me. The OP needed to write this as a sort of cathartic experience, I’m sure… But as time goes on and he gets his balls back in the mail from his insane ex-wife, he will remember his self worth and realize this was all bullshit.
What if, in this scenario, your wife often leaves her cup on the counter without putting it in the dishwasher. Then gets disrespected when you set yours there instead of in the dishwasher? It’s hard to respect someone’s feelings toward an action when they perform the same action.
If your wife left you because you left unwanted glasses on the sink, you had bigger issues. This was just the excuse.
You perfectly articulate the man’s perspective; moreso than I could ever do. But just like all the similar articles my wife sends me to read and just like the majority of the female respondents to this article, it’s all about pleasing the woman…happy wife, happy life, right? There are two people, human beings with feelings and emotions, in a marriage and they BOTH deserve to be happy, not just the wife. Ladies, if you have it in your mind that your husband needs to do this, that, and the other to make YOU happy, then you’re looking at it through the wrong lense. You should be looking at what you can do to make him happy while at the same time, he should be looking at what he can do to make you happy. When couples learn to put THEIR marriage on a pedestal (NOT the husband or the wife) and treat one another as king and queen, then will they find a long, happy marriage.
If mama’s not happy, no one is happy. And mama is an emotional terrorist.
Lets not confuse the wife’s focus on the glass by the sink for what the article suggests it is.
It may well be a scenario where the wife is OCD – a form of anxiety. That doesn’t make her mentally ill, but it doesn’t mean that she has to project those tendencies onto the husband. As a man married to a woman professionally diagnosed as suffering from an anxiety disorder I can tell you that there are things I do to accommodate her at time irrational behavior and there are times I have to put my foot down and call her out on her behavior or irrational demands.
There should be give and take in a marriage but often one partner does all the compromising. At that point it isn’t compromising though… It is capitulating.
Yes it is a two way street but I totally agree with the author in this. It is natural for a woman to be caring and attentive and do things because they love their partner and or husband. It is so true that when a women starts feeling this way and feels that she is not being heard and not respected and loved like the writer explained then a woman will stop doing those things out of hurt and not being loved and thus the battle begins. Yes it is a two way street but it starts somewhere and that responsibility of the relationship falls on the mans shoulders. If he gets it like the writer says the woman will feel secure, loved, and respected and in turn will do the same for him! A win win for both!
It’s simple really. When you leave that glass, what your wife understands is that is that you have so little respect for her that you think you are above having to actually pick up after yourself. She believes you think that her time is less valuable than yours because you can’t be bothered, but expect her to pick up after you, a grown man. And having been through this myself, let’s be honest, you may not EVER be done with that glass. So at some point she feels she needs to pick it up and put it away. It feels awful for the wife – it feels belittling and disrespectful, and says that you don’t think she is important. Fortunately, I was able to communicate this to my husband and we are still married. Because we try to have mutual respect for each other, BOTH of our time is equally as valuable.
Thank you for your honest and candid blog entry. Really hit home :).
Beautifully said.
Biggest bunch of bullshit I ever heard. Get over the F&^%$# glass or I’m gonna leave you ass in the dust.
And how long have you been married?
And the merry-go-round continues.
Ecc 1:9
You might take a hint from your blog post on respect for your wife & apply that to your respect for people & buy yourself a good thesaurus being Google or Microsoft apparently didn’t do such a good job with the suggestions as you were typing. Language reveals the heart.
I get it.
I would have divorced you too
Great job! So much truth and wisdom in this article! My husband and I have been together 10 years and if we had not found a fantastic marriage counselor to explain exactly what you said we’d be divorced as well. Hate that so many couples don’t great to have an amazing relationship/marriage because they realize these things too late…or not at all.
Oh so much this. It isn’t the glass, it is that feeling like once you move in together you become a house keeper.
For the first 6 months my boyfriend and I lived together I did the laundry every week. He never offered to come help, he would sit on the couch watching tv or playing video games. I would ask for help folding and sometimes he would help other times he didn’t. In an effort to not be the ‘nagging girlfriend’ I never told him how much it bothered me that he didn’t offer to help. It was his laundry as well, why was I the only one interested in making sure it got done? If I didn’t do laundry one weekend there would be complaints about running out of this or that, to which I responded he could do laundry as well. He still didn’t take the initiative to do laundry. Things came to a bit of a head one weekend when our roommate asked him why the hell I was the only one doing laundry, did I move 16 hours to become the housemaid and could she also get me to do laundry? He blustered about for a bit but got better about helping without me having to ask first. We have similar problems with other household chores, I know I should just tell him it drives me crazy to feel like I always do these things but I don’t like confrontation or to seem like a nag.
He has expressed annoyance about being the one to do dishes after he has cooked most nights which I totally understand. Doing the dishes after cooking is incredibly annoying, however I do the dishes on the nights I cook, and pretty much every other night as well. It is hard for me to show appreciation when I feel so unappreciated. We’ve been together for 7 years and living together for 4.
I’m sure I do things that drive him crazy just like he drives me crazy, I should really work on trying to open up with him about it. It feels like there is never a good time to bring up hard stuff though. Just gotta grow up and do it.
I agree that communicating WHY the glass issue is so important to her is important, but when you communicate it over and over and it’s still being done, it is actually worse. Ok, I told him it hurts me, because it makes me feel disrespected, then he continues to do it, then, I feel not only disrespected, but that he doesn’t care at all that he makes me feel that way. Also, if men would listen, actually LISTEN and HEAR their wives, there wouldn’t be so many repeat arguments or “nagging”.
You’ve touched on the magic thing. Wives write me all the time: “how do you get this but my husband doesn’t?”
And the basic answer is, I had a pretty good life, minus money. Well liked. No major trauma. I took things for granted. All the time.
There was NO WAY for me to connect random chore that didn’t get done, or misunderstood comment where I felt she wasn’t giving me the benefit of the doubt with a painful, emotional wound she was feeling.
I was denying her the “right” to feel hurt by my actions because I considered them petty and insignificant.
You might notice a hundred other guys said the same not-smart thing in the comments.
I never allowed myself to consider that it actually hurt.
Fast forward to the marriage ending.
Life HURT. Every second of every day in ways I didn’t know the human body could feel. It was the most brutal time imaginable. After 30+ years of nothing super-horrible happening, I was getting my first taste of legit loss and grief.
It didn’t take. I vomited more than a person should.
It didn’t take me long after that to understand how some little symbolic thing could HURT, and how I’d spent years doing things or saying things that upset my partner. And when she’d say: “Hey, this hurt pretty bad,” I didn’t apologize and try to make better choices.
I would get defensive and try to sell her on my perspective on why her feelings were “wrong” and “unjustified.”
Without knowing first-hand how much it can, just, hurt, to be alive and walking around when your insides are trashed, I would have never been able to “get” this.
So, in conclusion. IF a man has felt that kind of pain before. The kind that only comes from difficult life trauma like the loss of a loved one, or a major accident that leaves him handicapped.
Once you can convey to your husband that that same kind of deep hurt he felt during that difficult time is the SAME hurt you feel today, even though it’s about situations that are not the same as his, I think he can make the same connection I did.
“X hurt me REALLY bad. I know what that feels like. Y is hurting my wife in that same gut twisting way. I need to help her not feel that way. I had no idea something like housework or a comment from me could trigger that same horribleness. Now that I get it, I can do a better job.”
…
Maybe that’s a huge stretch.
But that, combined with all the books I read, is what helped me see the metaphorical glass for what it really is.
I wish there was a less convoluted way.
It sounds like you were married to a very petty, passive aggressive, selfish, and emotionally abusive wife. Everyone should be given equal billing in the marriage and not continually bow to the whims and desires of the other spouse just to make him / her happy. No one should have to worry about leaving a glass out, or clothes on the floor, or the gas tank near empty, or the dinner not being ready. These things happen, it is unfortunate that your partner could not see past her selfish perspective of the way things “should be” and treat you as an equal partner in the marriage.
Beautifully done.
Thank you.
I’ve never read anything more true in my life.
You can only nag your husband about something so many times before you start to think he must not care about me or he’d take the 4 seconds to do this small thing for me. You’re right, it’s not about the glass by the sink, the laundry on the floor, or the toilet seat left up.
Please show me that my feelings are important to you and that I’m worth a few seconds of effort on your part.
I’m impressed that you (the author) did eventually “get it” instead of blaming your wife, even if it was unfortunately too late.
I guess devotion, breaking your ass every day to earn a living, and commitment are meaningless if you don’t do “the little things”
I’d say that any woman who makes a big deal about meaningless things is worth losing.
amen
I bust my ass at my job every day too, am utterly devoted to my husband, AND do the little things that I know are important to him. If I can the little things that show him that I respect and care about him, why can’t he? Because he shouldn’t HAVE to? Because doing those things was only part of wooing me, not part of what I was signing up for for life?
This is a super one-sided way to think about it. What are YOU offering? It’s 2016, lots of women work. If I work as well, I’m offering devotion, breaking my ass to earn a living, commitment AND the little things. Stop looking for any excuse to avoid looking within for the solution to a problem.
This is incredibly right on. Absolutely life changing stuff here. Hopefully coming from a man, it will be taken more to heart.
If you really thought your ex-wife was great, you probably would’ve been surprising her with many things to show you love her, along with some of her requests. And she would’ve been doing the same for you.
Bottom line you got divorced. But we’re supposed to believe that if you jumped through some hoops, you’d have been happily married. Those were just manifestations of the 800lbs gorilla in the marriage. Neither of you were too enamored with each other, so coming up with elaborate reasons for feeling invalidated, etc. are what happened. More finger pointing, frankly.
People would be much more wise and sane if they realized nobody is here to make you happy, not even your spouse. You got married to not go on the hard voyage of life alone. Sometimes you’ll actually do nice things for each other and you should if you love them. Just don’t expect them. If you want something done and done right, do it yourself. To give freely, without prior instruction is love. Anything else is an errand. And that door swings both ways. So if you’re willing to assign tasks to another person’s time, you should expect to get tasks assigned to you in return.
True charity is voluntary. Anything else is servitude. Geez…people and their egos. Please me, make me happy. Pathetic. Make yourself happy and share your life with someone who appreciates your company. Cause if you have to sweat the little stuff, it’s probably really the bigger stuff making you sweat.
yes yes so much yes….and thank you!!! happy someone with common sense and dignity read this article objectively!
Liked your response. And I might add, the author suggests that the man do a lot of introspection as to why he would leave the glass, but doesn’t suggest that the woman reflect on why its so important to her. Holding someone hostage to your needs is not love.
I disagree. This author was dead on. Its the little things. I think I’ll save this article for other men to read. I do believe that both parties need to be giving, but your idea of a relationship sounded more like two business owners making a deal. Yes, your comment was logical and it is important to not expect another to make you happy, however, if it hurts my feelings for my spouse to do something and he knowingly continues to do so, that’s him choosing his own satisfaction over mine. It’s a balancing act of doing what you enjoy, while respecting your partner. That’s all this author was doing. Uncovering a part of that aspect that isn’t discussed well. I was surprised to read this article because it was everything I hated about My past relationships but could never find the right words to express it.
Maybe you should read the article again?
You must be a man…
I couldn’t agree with you more!
I couldn’t agree more, Bill. This article was a total cop out. Let’s blame the husband once again for all the failed marriages. It’s the new social mentality. Just like all the TV commercials/shows that depict the man of the house as an idiot with no common sense and the woman as the only one with any intelligence. WTF has happened to society? I feel like I’m living in the Twilight Zone!
Agree
So, so true…all of it. Trouble is, presumes a level of emotional maturity and inner-tranquility that most folks haven’t attained. This is the ideal…the author, and many more of us haven’t quite ascended. Both of you offer simple truths, to different groups. Ultimately when the time is right, all can learn, grow and operate from both perspectives. Can’t expect a one size fits all, at all times, in all places, under all circumstances. Emotional maturation and self-actualization is a process, and happens in stages. If we’re lucky, our lives are graced with spouses, friends, family, colleagues, etc., who are at or near a stage/level where we can relate to one another and help one another along the way to the next stage. Bearing in mind the “issues” and experiences, tragedies, hurts, and brokenness that may have caused us to stall or falter along the way.
It not only depends on stages, but people are taking this article and applying it to their own personal situation, either past or present. This is why there is so much diversity in replies, from both sides, and if someone sees a situation they don’t agree with, that person can become defensive, trying to defend their actions/reactions.
It’s not a “right or wrong” situation, and I think you hit the nail on the head in regards to maturity.
thank you good Bill, if someone divorces you because you are disobedient to them, then they never really loved you, fact is they wanted to swing you until you abide by their rule. People, we are different, wives nag, husbands are stubborn, period. The bottom line is unless you are willing to accept them as is then a divorce is coming your way, either way, it’s either you bend or you get the divorce!
Totally missed the point…
I hear you brother! She felt unloved and disconnected…
Many couples who have lived together long enough have their own “connection short-cuts.” On the radio, you can browse through every station until you find what you’re looking for, or you can push a button that’s been pre-programmed to the right frequency and start enjoying the music right away.
Just like programmed push-buttons on a radio, we can develop an arsenal of special actions that can trigger positive feelings that will help create an immediate emotional connection with our partner. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman lays out a very interesting concept that helps to find the quickest and most effective ways for us to connect.
Gary Chapman identifies five specific love languages—Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. His premise is that everyone has a primary love language and usually a secondary love language. While we may have elements of all five languages in our relational “vocabulary,” there is one, and sometimes two, that are dominant.
Love languages are like any other language; unless two people are “speaking” the same language, no real meaning can be communicated, and no real connection can occur. So, for example, my love languages happen to be Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch, and it’s easy and natural for me to try to connect with Marina with my primary love languages.
But even though I am always complimenting my wife Marina on how she looks and often giving her compassionate hugs, because her actual love language happens to be Quality Time, none of my actions, although appreciated, make her feel truly loved.
However, being around her and vacuuming and doing dishes bring a big smile to her face, and she runs to hug me, because Acts of Service is her secondary love language.
She felt unloved because she couldn’t get over her petty, selfish hangups. My husband and I talk about these things all the time, and unlike this woman, I am capable of LISTENING TO MY HUSBAND and considering that I might not be right about something. He is capable of same. This divorce happened because ver self-worth hinged upon getting her way. And, she ought to be ashamed of herself for guilting him into believing it was his fault when in reality it was her lack of ability to grow and change.
At what point do the women start listening to men? I mean, if they’re for equality…just sayin’.
What’s that have to do with anything? The author never once mentions her going against his wishes. Chill buddy and get yourself a divorce maybe, if that stuff upsets you so much.
Women are conditioned to be empathetic and subservient to men from childhood. We are told ‘boys will be boys’, which is a nice way of saying ‘it’s your place to let them have their way, whatever it is’. We literally spend all day getting undermined, mediating the emotional weather of a room, and letting things go not to seem ‘crazy’. So this article comes because that is already understood. It’s a societal given, so this article… BECAUSE equality. ‘Just sayin’.
“Women are conditioned to be empathetic and subservient to men from childhood.”
AHAHAHA. What planet are you from?
It’s not about “listening,” it’s about respecting.
It seems to me that a common theme is that for women acts of service mean a lot more than any words of affirmation, and for men, gratitude and words of affirmation go a lot further than any nagging or criticism. As a matter of love languages, we need to be better in general at figuring out and speaking the other person’s love language instead of trying to force someone else to see things our way.
“The 5 Love Languages” is a great book that shows how your statement is almost correct. Every person places importance on a different format of love. I’d suggest it to anyone who is starting a relationship or is having trouble in a relationship.
Man you are so right on. So many times my ex wife said It was the little things that mattered the most. Unfortunately I didn’t see the big picture at the time and wanted her to see things from my perspective. Unfortunately I missed the big picture. It’s the little things thst showed her I cared, lover, and respected her. Because of my stubbornness and unwillingness to change our marriage ended. Because I didn’t see what I now know, it’s the little things in life that make the biggest difference.
Kevin.
Thank you Kevin! It really doesn’t take much to make a woman happy and a man happy for that matter. The little things do matter and without this the relationship may be on its way to sail. No materialistic gesture can ever replace the feelings of being appreciated and loved as it is a short lived. Don’t get me wrong but I know that men love this too and it goes both ways. The secret is to be on the same thinking/reasoning path. Relationships and marriages take a lot of work and daily nurturing. To consider each others feelings and communication and “listening” to each others needs, not just “hearing” the words is so crucial to building a strong healthy loving relationship together. It’s not easy but isn’t each other worth it? Why would you be together then?
Good post! As one of the previous commenters put forth, I’m in one of the flipped situations where as the husband, I care about properly rinsed dishes/glasses, clothes management, etc… I’ll try to add some insight to the issue too, perhaps helping understand why a dirty glass (compounded) is an assault on love and respect.
Cleaning takes time. It takes exponentially *more* time the longer an item needing to be cleaned is left in a state of limbo; dirty, unexplained, and getting dirtier as time passes. If a pan is just used and rinsed (at least) as soon as it’s contents are transferred, washing it takes just a minute and could be used right after for another meal component. If that same pan were left to cool and harden, it could take several minutes to scrub and degrease. If dishes are just crammed into a sink (even with soapy water) items are more likely to get damaged, dirtier items now make it more necessary to clean other items more thoroughly…. etc. It just compounds and eats up more time with more effort and with harsher soaps which leads to dry and cracking skin on those hands in the hot soapy water.
The same goes for trash, clothes, whatever. Whenever there is ambiguousness and randomness with placement of items that need attention, it leads to more time and effort to deal with. The reason *aside* from the hygiene and effort issues is how those distractions and extra work impact other projects we could be getting to. If we’re constantly having to spend more time figuring out what’s dirty, how dirty it is, if it’s in use or about to be used again, or just spending more time dealing with it than would be necessary if it was simply dealt with immediately — we don’t have (as much or any) time or mental energy to deal with our own projects/work/etc. Mess can be a huge distraction and by ignoring simple things (like a dirty glass) a spouse can be sending the message (even if it is verbally contradicted) that the cleaning spouse’s work and time is not important or as important. That is how it is a respect issue.
If you have a glass you want to still use, identify and consistently use a space to indicate it is intended for further use. I use the top of the fridge and a color coded coaster from the Container Store to place my water cup (for example).
Some commenters really have missed the point. It is about actually trying to understand what your spouse needs to function well, how your actions/habits affect hygiene and workflow, and understanding that your partner (of either sex) probably has aspirations outside basic housework.
Understanding that parts of a house are work stations and not dumping grounds may help improve understanding of why a clean and clear area is so important. I think most appreciate blank slates to work with and it shouldn’t be that much of an ask for spouses to help keep common areas (most of a home) organized and tidy.
I could go on but this is just a comment section after all and I’ve probably already overstepped… Suffice it to say, consistent compounding of work and distraction by ignoring little acts of helpfulness, especially for spouses that have aspirations and passions outside housework, is absolutely a demoralizing “meh, screw you” and I can see how that could sadly lead to many ending a partnership. I applaud your effort in addressing these types of issues.
great rebuttal. .. couldn’t agree more
so right on. me n hub argue all the time because he always leave dishes next to the sink!!! (even after 5 years of marriage and my countless of explaining to him why!!!) the damn dish washer is to the left of the sink, i dun understand why he left washed dishes to the right of the sink instead of putting it on the left inside the dish washer!!!!
This was so beautiful and accurate and sad. I feel as your ex wife does 🙁
Ok seriously, you forgot the “damned if you do, damned if you dont” part. My wife used to nag me about things like that, so i took initiative and made sure to not do that stuff anymore. Hell, I do the dishes and laundry (she complained i didnt do them enough) and now she leaves dishes at teh sink and her dirty clothes all over our bedroom.
My wife woke me up to put a cup that I left by the sink in the dishwasher near the end of a 72 hr weekend work shift (total sleep 6 hrs in 3 days) that I did every 3-4 weekends (in addition to working 70hrs every week) to pay for the huge waterfront house that she wanted to live in. She works 1/2 time. She asked why I didn’t put it in the dishwasher. I asked why did you bounce $10,000 in checks last week? She throws screaming fit. At least she left me go back to sleep in my 8 x 10 foot office by the back door.
If my husband worked a 72 hour shift or a 8 hour shift or less or no shift at all, I wouldn’t be waking him up for moving a damm cup. This is ridiculous! Some people are not respectful to each other. I think if she took a second to put it in the dishwasher herself and let you sleep makes more sense. And you would probably love her more because you could feel she really cared about you and if she mentioned it to you later when you were more rested then you probably would be more willing to do the things she asks. People never cease to amaze me.
Hillarious! Really…woke you up?!
Who writes this crap shit. No wonder nobody can have a relationship anymore. A damn glass by the sink? Seriously?
Get over it you pansy. Men are being slammed on a daily basis.
Not boys who can’t do so much as change a tire…..Men. Because no matter what you do, can do, or are capable of….
there’s always a reason to BITCH.
I write this crap shit.
And I’m genuinely disappointed you missed the entire point. And not just by a little bit.
It really is crap, Matt. My fiancee will never tie the garbage bag into the garbage can no matter how many times I ask her. This leads to a litany of feelings in me because reasons (sorry, I’m just going to paraphrase your rhetoric into the word “reasons”). In three years this has never even hinted that there’s a love/respect/comprehension/retardation issue – simply that she’ll hold the bag up if she’s throwing something in that could drag it down.
I understand that you’re trying to illustrate the difference in thinking between men and women, but… Do all men think the same? Do all women think the same? Do homosexual couples simply succeed because all men and all women think alike, or do they have similar issues and, if so, how do you explain that? Where’s the value in this piece because it sure isn’t entertaining.
Your article reads like a “baby come back” letter, wherein you promise to put the fucking dishes away this time, acknowledging that we manz just can’t feelz like you wimmz but we’ll sure do better this time.
Hey Matt, you did a great job writing this article. Most women think men are stupid because they don’t listen to what we want. For some lame reason they think blowing us off nurtures appreciation and respect.
No, I think you have missed the point. You have over analyzed your situation and are trying to feed some crap about respect to everyone. Where was your wife’s respect for your opinion in the glass not being a big deal? Your article essentially tells men to bend over backwards to be happy in your marriage. When dishes by the sink becomes a relationship threatening topic, that means you were on the road to failure anyway. If you do often reuse the same glass then what right does anyone have to tell you that you can’t? Your ex sounds like a control freak if you ask me. I guess you will only understand once you find the right woman. All of this of course is assuming you are not an extremely messy person whom expected his wife to clean up, if that is the case then good on you for realizing your mistakes. Marriage is to make things work for both parties.
While he may have missed the point a bit, he does have a very valid one. You enter into marriage to have a partner, and yes you should enjoy doing things to help make their life easier, but at the same time you should expect the same from your partner, I will try and do the little things around the house, but at the same time if you look at sm fish’s comment, women need to pull their own weight as well, and be understanding that when a man is busting his ass working to provide you with a lifestyle that you want, and is willing to do so to make you happy, that you should give him some leniency on the smaller things. If you are irritated about the glass, take care of it, and when he has had a second to rest up and get refreshed, talk to him about it like an adult and let him know how it made you feel. You should respect the fact that he sacrifices his time(and in some cases his health in reference to the lack of sleep) to provide for you, that modicum of respect shown goes a long way and lets him know that you care. It’s tit for tat, basic reciprocity and mutual respect.
He did miss the point completely. I didn’t think the article was crap shit
Right on. Such a great reply.
the fella above this proved you point though 🙂
So. Matt. Let me ask you. Did she reciprocate? Or are we men supposed to be slaves to women who constantly belittle and berate us while driving debts up high, then getting upset that I’d rather cook in rather than put another $150 dinner on a maxed out American Express… She who never cooks, she who never cleaned, she who never once changed a diaper because it was “yucky”, she who left bowls of leftover cereal milk on the bedroom dresser so long it dried up and begin cracking like a gelatinous desert?
These are the the females that exist today. Let me lay here. I don’t want to work. That’s fine, I don’t want you to work either, but if you aren’t going to take care of a baby, at least clean up after yourself. And don’t complain when someone says they can’t afford to go out.
I understand what you are TRYING to say, but I believe in reciprocity. You can give and give and give for so long before you as a HUMAN BEING begins to yearn for some sort of acknowledgement, appreciation, or approval. Are men not allowed to feel loved? And no I’m not speaking of sex. Sex alone is not an act of love.
I take out the trash, change diapers, shovel the driveway, work 3 jobs so you can live a life you want with no working… Then turn around and listen to you complain that I work too much, cook breakfast every morning, cook dinner every night, warm your car every day, prune the flowers you wanted but I am allergic to, walk the dog… And all you offer is sex? At that point I don’t want your sex.
I don’t date anymore because it’s obvious to me one of two things. A) I can’t pick ladies… Or B) There are no ladies left amongst these females to be picked.
At this point you are probably thinking the roles were reversed in my situation… But that is not the point. You say that single solitary glass to her symbolized our lack of caring about her feelings. I say relationships should be built upon CONGRUENT and daily affirmations of love by BOTH parties. Women wanted equality and they should have it. They should NOT have SUPERIORITY and the authority to turn us into peasant servant boys who come at a snap whenever their TV show has gone off and want us to change the channel for them while we running late for work because the baby has explosive diarrhea and you know she won’t clean him. Yes she wanted the glass in the dishwasher. I feel as though you should have included what she did for you. Did she respect any of YOUR feelings? Because many females today do not.
“And here I thought I was doing you a favor by using less dishes so we’d have less chores to do and more time for fun.”
You must be single!!! That was NOT the point of this article!!! Maybe you need to reread it!
Well, I totally do the thing where I leave my glasses and occasional knife by the sink because I intend to come back to it later. At least now I’ll know why my theoretical hates-dishes-by-the-sink-husband is divorcing me when it happens. And here I was thinking that it made more sense than dirtying lots of dishes… I just try to make sure any dishes are done before I go to bed and before I leave the house. That’s pretty much all I’d expect too. It’s nice to wake up to a clean house and to come home to one,
This goes both ways…..
He must have been married to a narcissist. Where the world revolved around her, and if he didn’t wash a dish, she was crushed. But when he worked on her car, built her things, supported her, bought her a house, worked many hours, drove 2 hours a day to his job, loved her kids, all of that was lost because of a dish on the sink, or whatever little thing triggered her issues. People are not perfect, love is about always working on it and forgiving instead of letting a little things become an excuse for divorce. love is TWO ways, not what a husband could have done, but what BOTH ‘should’ have done. When you live with a narcissist nothing is good enough for them, you may do lots for them, but one little thing will define you to them, and make you some villain. And if they leave you, they did you a favor…. but this poor fellow still blames himself for her issue, he needs some therapy to figure out, he was good enough… and his wife needs some therapy so little things will not set her off and she is able to give back, instead of living a life where the world revolves around her.
Spoken by a true narcissist!
Tyler, you’re missing something. There are a million “big” things she probably did for him, too. In the household, the expectation of a husband that he can be a slob and his wife is his maid and should just pick up after him, is so wrong. I’ve been married to a slob for 42 years who stubbornly refuses to do any of the little things I ask of him–instead he throws his clothes on the floor, trash everywhere, dirty dishes not just by the sink! Once-in-awhile, when HE feels like it, he’ll pick up something or wash a few dishes. Then he expects an award! When he was working I justified it because he worked an average of 50 hours a week and made the bulk of our income. I suppose now that he’s retired, in his mind, he justifies it because his pension and SS are more than what I bring home. So, he sits around and watches TV about half the day and sleeps the other half. This is NOT good for our relationship. A smart husband goes the extra “mile” (it’s more like a few steps, really) and kindly does those SMALL things–without complaining and without being asked–that you think don’t matter, but are really essential to “helping” his wife feel respected and appreciated. And a decent wife would definitely appreciate his thoughtfulness.
I’m not missing anything. I’m addressing one issue, the nitpicking, the insecurity of the person doing the nitpicking.
I am in a different situation than the author, i actually DID listen to my wife, but the problem was she had a DIAGNOSED personality issue, and there was always some new thing that made her feel unloved, and she projected that onto me with little things , and I tried to please her to no avail.
SOme guys are jerks and want a woman to do all the work. I was NOT in that situation. I again, lived with a narcissist that chose to only look at her husbands faults to ignore/hide her issues.
I went the extra mile. I was not a dead beat husband, i was involved in our kids lives, I was always home taking care of them, i did chores around the house, the problem was not me, and it actually wasnt’ my wife, it was the personality disorder, but she chose to not work on that and to try to make me change so it would fix HER issues.
this is narcissism, and it makes the co-dependent ppl in their lives feel like THEY are the problem, the victim being made the abuser, it’s sad.
Your probably the smartest person to read this post, I would click like if there was a like button.
he never said he did any of those things… projecting? he knows what he did or didnt do and he knows that in his situ he dropped the ball. he never said this “set her off” rather i am gathering that she actually said very little about it
Very very well said!
You mentioned that he is showing her he loved her because he went to work and cared for “her” kids. Being a responsible adult that loves your kids is good, but it doesn’t show love. My husband and I both work and both take care of our kids. We also have our own set of chores and things we do around the house to maintain the household. I don’t feel like any of these things show love to your spouse though. I don’t go to work, clean the pool, pull the weeds, help my kids with homework, etc. to show my husband I love him. I do those things because I am a responsible adult and a good parent who loves my kids. I think you are taking this article a little too literally. I think the point of the article was that you need to make an effort to do the little things that show the other person that you love them.
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I confess. I don’t get it. When we keep a scorecard like this, it can only end badly..we will have a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’…but actually we have two losers. If, in this case, she doesn’t want him to leave a glass by the sink, then she can put it in the dishwasher..or wait until he does. I’d rather my husband put a glass there and reuse it, instead of him putting it in the dishwasher and getting a clean glass everytime. So, who loves the other more? Him for putting the glass away as she demands or her for continually making him do it? We’ve only been married 38 years maybe I’ll catch on to this ..eventually?!
Bingo. If you throw the scorecards away, your marriage will be much happier. Could I keep a mental tally of every annoyance my wife committed? Sure. Do I grumble when I come home to an empty house and every light is on? You betcha. But I don’t gunnysack these minor inconveniences so I can wallop her over the head with it at some point in the future. I ignore it and move on with my day.
I agree with a lot of points you made. My soon-to-be-ex husband and I both worked full time. With overtime, I actually worked more hours than he did. But did he ever offer to wash the dishes? Do the laundry? Clean the house? Plan the meals, buy the groceries or cook dinner? Hell, I even mowed the lawn because I got tired of trying to get him to do it. I do less work now that he’s moved out and filed for divorce, and I’m happier for it.
Ummm… I agree with what they are trying to get at.. But how come the husband has to change his ways and respect his wifes putting the glass in the dishwasher as a respect thing to her? How come the wife doesn’t have to respect her husbands wish to keep his glass next to the sink in case he wants to use it again? That’s a double standard if I’ve ever seen one. I think if they used a better example instead of a glass next to the sink it would make more of an impact.
I thought this explained things very well. I am divorced and have learned that one needs to Pick Their Battles. I picked my battles during my marriage but now that I am in a live-in relationship, I tidy up more because it is important to my new man.
The glass? I could give a ***, either. Who cares? But when women tie so much up into that glass without saying WHY, that’s crazy. Men are not mind readers.
Oh boy, TF, did you even read this? You totally missed the point. Or it went right over your head. IT WAS NOT ABOUT THE GLASS IN THE SINK! …….. It was the lack of respect, the not listening, the discounting her needs, as silly as he thought they were, that made her feel insignificant. She did not just walk out on him because he left the glass in the sink one time!
My husband and I went through the same thing, though our issue was much different, much more serious. But I am eternally thankful and very grateful that he did “get it” before it was too late. It took a very painful two year separation for that to happen, but it happened.
Do yourself and your wife, or your significant other, a favor and go back and really read this man’s wise words and really hear what he was saying. Or else, if you are so hard headed or narcissistic that you can’t see or accept what he is saying, do her a favor and hit the road Jack.
Wow this is amazing. Coming from someone who also left her husband because he left dishes in the sink and just didn’t see the bigger picture because it is really not about the dishes. It is the principle behind it.
I wish I could send this article to my ex husband..but he still doesn’t get it and never will anyway. But thanks a lot…I am happy you found the meaning behind it.
So true. I honesty dont remember what the first little thing was that started my belief of no respect or his belief of no respect.But over time, this lack of respect belief, took on a life of itself, that over took our marriage and destroyed it. It became a series of things for both of us over the last 2 years, that smothered any love and hope we had for the marriage. We are now divorced after 18 years. The hardest part of the divorce is losing the best friend I had for 18 years.
This is so true! Well said.
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Spot on butnit goes both ways. Im actually the one who gets annoyed about the little things and as a man i feel she only cares about what she wants. So ad i said, goes both ways! Good article
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My husband leaves clothes all over the house. All the time. I’ve asked, I’ve pleaded, I’ve yelled, I’ve threatened them not getting washed (and followed through and had an argument on WHY his clothes weren’t cleaned ffs!) But he keeps tossing them everywhere. NOW he puts them up if he knows I’m going to do laundry, but I WISH he would just…put them away to begin with. Don’t leave dirty, or quasi-dirty, laundry all over the apartment!
Every time I bring it up, he gets pissed and says “I’ll do it later, I’m not fucking doing it NOW” and I just…give up…it’s not worth the argument, even though the blatant disrespect that I can’t explain I feel HURTS.
Kitty show him this article and all of the comments and then maybe he will get it. Like they say men are from mars and women are from venus. To see a man write this article gives me hope that maybe are planets can align.
This piece is incredibly enlightening . wonderful
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So, I had a girlfriend like this. She used to get SO frustrated over small things that I did or didn’t do, and I just couldn’t understand it, because I purposefully didn’t let bother me all the things SHE did or didn’t do that also annoyed me. After countless hours of both of us arguing, crying, and experiencing generally unpleasant emotions, I finally told her that I really think she needed to find a guy that would care about doing all the things she wanted, in the way she wanted, when she wanted, and that I was the wrong guy for her, and I left. She didn’t want to break up, but I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I guess she found that guy eventually (since she got married and had kids with him), and I met and married a woman who wasn’t such a nitpicking jerk. My wife and I both respect each other, and while there are plenty of things my wife does/doesn’t do that I don’t like, I let it go, because I like her. And she does the same for me.
Sounds like you married a pretty selfish person. Sorry about that. Look for someone less self-absorbed next time. This works much better. Trust me on this.
I absolutely LOVE this article! You are right on of why women feel certain ways. It’s NEVER just about the glass. Women truly think differently than men. I’m so thrilled to see a man truly get it! And to the ones saying negative crap, I’m sure your divorced! I can do EVERYTHING to make my husband happy, and he can’t respect me enough? Bravo on the article!
The problem is that men are not perfect, and we make mistakes, we can work and work and work to make her happy, but one small slip and your the biggest a-hole in town, relationships take two, always both making an effort to make the other happy, if she can’t look past a small infraction, and realize you aren’t trying to hurt her, its not going to work. Especially when you try to make an effort. Repeat offenses are going to happen, but if she doesn’t try and look past them then its her fault, because I promise you, she does things that upset him, repeatedly, and if he can get past it, then so can she. I’m sick of hearing so many people say the man is to blame because he doesn’t make an effort, when in truth he could be, mistakes happen, yes men make an effort to make her happy, ladies make an effort to see his imperfections and accept him. Look past the little things. It takes two, make each other happy, and don’t make mountains out of molehills.
Yikes! What a lot of Metro-babble. Your ex sounds like a character from a William Faulkner novel. “I’m going to encapsulate all of our issues in an elegant and thought-provoking manner with an innocent glass by the sink … full of dishwater teeming with bacteria, further symbolizing the festering stagnation of our ‘marriage'” You could also very well interpret this situation as: “I married a princess who wastes resources and refuses to recycle.” If you want respect, if you have a lingering issue: SAY IT. “Look, goddammit, that glass-thing you do pisses me the hell off, and another thing…” Talk. Have it out! Communicate!! You’ll feel a lot better when its over and … perhaps … you might actually generate a little mutual respect for one another when it’s done. Otherwise leave a fountain pen out in the middle of the floor where you both walk. The pen will symbolize the divorce proceeding you’re about to sign.
Are you serious! Forgive me but It’s really being very petty to get upset about a cup in the sink. If my husband had done it I would just put it in the damm dishwasher myself and let it be or leave it there until he washes it himself. People are on power trips and that’s what it appears to be to me. How about being a little more accepting of someone and their ways that are not like yours. Oh well I think a little different then others. But my husband is more important then a dish left in the sink issue or whatever.
I only say this not because of the relationship I’m in now.. but because my mom used to flip out when I left glasses out in the house… but when I moved out she started to miss it.. and when I came to visit her when I grabbed a drink I would accidentally leave it out… and when she found the glass she realized how much she missed me. Sometimes the things that drive you crazy aren’t so bad.
Is it so wrong to say that in some relationships because of the nature of the person it’s healthy to not always have the perfect lifestyle? It’s naive to think you will find the person who does everything perfectly.. as a matter of fact you could have honestly wanted to change your ways but it was just something that you missed because you’ve spent your whole life doing it. If she saw it as a sign of disrespect then maybe she wasn’t the one for you. If you wanted to try harder… then you should have. If there was ever a point where you though she might leave you for something like that.. you would have tried harder.. and if not, then maybe you two really weren’t meant to be. I’ve always found that in not just my relationships and the relationships in my family that it’s not about finding this perfect person who does everything right… it’s about finding the person whose faults you can work with. Someone who might leave wet towels on the floor or correct your spelling but you still love for so many other reasons that outweigh the negatives.. Love always wins.
When I went to visit my mom after moving out I left a cup on her table… she sent me a message that said “some things never change.. miss you, please visit again soon”. I realize a mothers love is always unconditional… but you’re choosing someone you want to spend the rest of your life with anyways… so maybe high expectations should be in order.
I’m glad our dishwasher is broken.
This is true. Sounds like you read “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It opened my eyes about my husband’s need for respect and it opened his eyes about my need to feel loved. Understanding and implementing this in our relationship saved our marriage. I hope things work out for you.
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Dude. According to this logic everything can be categorized as an act of love and thus essential to the relationship. Been married 15 yrs and have a great life because my wife puts up with my leaving things in the sink just like i put up with her leaving the lights on, even when she leaves the house. It is about accepting each others little otherwise annoying details that matters. Everything else is intolerance and let me tell you, you are better off without that b*tch
Incorrect. According to this logic, we care about what must be cared about.
There are dozens of defensive guys here who read 30 percent of the post and think they “got it”
I know what the headline says. I’m REALLY sorry it tricked so many people. I assumed it would only get read a thousand times by people familiar with my writing.
(Not a secret: I write using hyperbole and generalizations.)
Let me recap the post in a more direct way:
Your spouse has personal boundaries. Things that she/he cares about and REALLY matters to her/him on an emotional level.
You will NOT always have emotional reactions to those same things. Because they don’t really matter to you. You can’t help it. They just don’t register with you.
Here’s the key point a thousand guys and a small amount of wives didn’t get, because you couldn’t stop thinking about the headline: WHATEVER THAT THING IS THAT YOUR PARTNER CARES ABOUT? THAT’S “THE GLASS.”
I’m glad you’ve been married 15 years. It suggests you do not violate your wife’s personal and emotional boundaries.
There are a million aspects to human relationships. I’m aware of pretty much all of them. It’s hard to run the entire gamut in just one blog post, you know?
So I focused on one little thing. One little thing that is totally true for the vast majority of relationships.
I appreciate all of the readers asking themselves the right questions: “How might I be unintentionally hurting my partner? How might my doing so be causing these problems we’re having?”
Of course it’s not about dishes specifically. Of course it’s never just about ONE thing.
Thank you for reading and for having a good relationship. I don’t like divorce. That’s why I write things like this.
Sounds like everyone needs to read/listen to/download/youtube stream Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg.
He shows us a different way to communicate where men don’t have to read minds and women can communicate clearly that their need for respect, love, empathy is not met by the dishes being put outside the sink.
I’ve found when you communicate clearly, and unlearn all of the baggage, and stop expecting people to read your minds – relationships can be a breeze!
Every one please pick up a nonviolent communication book!!!!! It saves marriages, friendships and begins relationships off on a great start.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/71730.Nonviolent_Communication
I laugh out loud at these ridiculous comments from guys wanting to make a huge, grandstanding battle for male rights out of not putting a cup in the dishwasher – while at the same time claiming that it’s JUST a cup. Gee, I bet your wife is so happy… if you have one. It’s stupid almost to the point of lunacy; if it’s just a cup, stop making more out of it than what it is and put it where it belongs. It’s also funny how many of these same type of comments remark on the ego of the woman, when apparently it is beneath these men to put a damn cup in the dishwasher. You’re not a child and you’re not the king of some castle, so get over it. You’re a person living in a home with other people who deserve the same respect that you think you deserve. Expecting someone to be respectful to the other people who live with them by not being a slob, by picking up after themselves and by taking care of the things we all have to take care of to run our homes and lives is not controlling or unreasonable. It’s called being a f*cking adult. You should not have to be told. It’s not rocket science or some difficult thing to parse. It’s easy. If it really is too hard for you to do such a small, simple thing to save an argument and show respect for other people… if you really need to make it a freakin’ battle to get out of showing simple human consideration and respect for the other people you live with… if that is really such a huge problem for you, then you don’t need to live with other people.
A very sad story, on multiple levels.
Yes, some of the commentors here are missing the point that the glass is a metaphor, but they’re also right that the issue is far deeper thane ven some superficial pop-psychology notion of “respect.”
Like most things in life, people don’t ask themselves basic questions like, “What *is* marriage?” “What is the point of marriage?” “How does one wisely choose a spouse?”
Vows don’t mean anything in a culture without honor or ritual, where people “write their own vows” because the “traditional” ones are a “boring,” “impersonal,” and/or “too hard.” People get married to “love, honor and cherish [never ‘obey’!] as long as it’s convenient.” Then it’s “Till better/worse, richer/poorer, sicker/healthier do us part.”
People choose spouses based upon the most superficial things, then scoff at the idea of people marrying based upon shared values, even though it’s shown that divorce rates are much smaller among couples who share the same beliefs, attend church services regularly together, and, most importantly, those who don’t use birth control, which screws up the hormonal cycle.
What is the goal in life?
Our goal in life should be to get to Heaven, and the goal of marriage should be to get each other to Heaven. Period. Yes, just as we cannot merely say “Lord, Lord” in our relationship with Christ, we should not take our marriages for granted. Yes, we need to nourish our marriages, like our faith, with thought, word and deed. But none of that means anything if the two people are not working from the right foundation, if they’re working from the flawed assumption that marriage is something mutable and conditional.
I showed this article to my husband and all he did was tell me I should read this article:
http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/us/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time
I guess we are truly far apart and I don’t think we’ll ever see eye to eye…
Right. Someone else posted that too.
They read 15% of one post and think they get it. I feel EXACTLY LIKE THEM.
All these guys are trying to flip it around and say: “Why isn’t the man’s feelings about the glass NOT being important as valid as her’s?”
I acted and said things EXACTLY like that five years ago. And what I have to show for it is a divorce.
I was a stupid moron. Allow me to explain why, even though you already get it:
1. The wife’s feelings are NOT more “valid” than her husband’s.
2. He doesn’t “feel” anything at all about a dish by the sink. What he “feels” is a desire to not have his wife criticize him for something he did or didn’t do. That makes him “angry.”
3. So, instead of thinking: “I don’t care about the dish either way, but I’ve learned that my wife does and that whoa, it HURTS her; I didn’t know it was anything more than just annoyance. Because I don’t intentionally hurt my wife, I’ll do it this other way,” he thinks his wife should simply reach inside her own physiology and rearrange things so that something that hurts her stops hurting her.
I try to emphasize how difficult it is to make husbands get it because we really do believe we make sense. And we fight and fight and fight and fight for you to see things our way instead of choosing to love you and put other things ahead of our individual, immediate wants.
Probably because it feels easier to us that way. I can’t explain it. Now that I know that it’s the exact reason 50+% of everyone see their families break up, it’s a bit discouraging to see so many people dig in their heels.
I’m glad this post was able to matter to you and many others.
And I’m sorry you’re having trouble communicating with your husband about it.
That disconnect is why most of us fail.
I wish I knew how to help.
Explaining it accurately doesn’t always work. Some people just have to experience it for themselves.
Beautiful
– a wife.
You sir…are a genius.
I am going through some difficult times in my marriage. A move across state where my wife feels totally out of her element, a new house, a new school for the kids, wife opened a business, the list goes on. Stress has taken its toll on our marriage. I have to admit, I am the one that leaves the glass by the sink. Literally and figuratively. There has been so much change and things happening that I’ve lost sight of a number of things. The most important being my wife. Her needs. Her desires. Thank you for refocusing me. All it took was reading this one post. And then reading a couple more. And then I read your open letters to a shitty husband. Continuous light bulbs going off! I’ve been shitty! I will say that my wife also sees errors in her ways as well. We are about to start couples therapy. We don’t want to lose what we have. We want to be better. Better for ourselves. Better for our children. I think it’s a normal, human mistake we have made. We’ve both been selfish. I know I have. But, we realized it. And we are committed to fixing it. A huge thank you to you for revealing a lot of things to me that I was oblivious to!
Read the blog, read the comments. It does go both ways. This marriage thing. My “starter husband” used to say, “you worry about all the small things and I will take care of the big things”. Took me several years to figure out life is made up of small things, lumped together to make this huge, seething blob of goo. After 9 years and 3 gloriously beautiful daughters, I was exhausted! So. Long story short, I upgraded. And 28 years later, I have a perfect marriage. We both take care of everything. One of us steps up, when the other one can’t. And it truly is NOT about the cup by the sink. ?
I enjoyed this article and loved the arguments for and against the ‘glass by the sink’. You sound like you understand what makes some women tick and what get others ‘ticked off’. It is lovely to have someone who is respectful, thoughtful and shares the chores with thoughfulness and a good spirit and no complaining. When chores are done with a good vibe it is mutially beneficial to all parties.
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A must read for those men cribbing about a complaining wife…
I never read anything so insane in my life. This is good example of western world feminine insanity. Divorcing over such small things show how little women really care about their husband and marriage in western world – its all just a big scam.
Agreed. This is the biggest load of crap I’ve seen in quite a while. She didn’t divorce you because you left the dishes by the sink, she did it because A) she was a self-absorbed shrew, and B) you are a spineless jellyfish who chose poorly.
Let me guess…youre divorced? This article is actually perfect and nails it on the head. What’s even funnier is YOU are the guy he describes perfectly whose sk stubborn ..selfish and stupid!
Actually,no Jack. I’m not divorced. But I had more sense than to marry a woman whose faithfulness hinged on petty annoyances.
Yep. As a woman who is probably more of the male in this situation – not using a coaster, leaving a dish by the sink – are things I occasionally do. And I don’t do it because I don’t love my husband or respect him. We’ve had these issues in our 7 years of marriage. But we are happily married and not planning on divorcing because of it. We’ve made it work.
The level of self-absorbtion in this marriage is the problem. Marriage is about compromise and making life work together as a team. You’re not going to change anyone. And it’s not your job to try to.
If a cup left by the sink can lead to feeling a lack of respect, appreciation and feeling unloved – I’d guess there are a lot of smaller or bigger things that are missing in their relationship. Communication is key.
I found this article through a recently divorced acquaintance who identified with this article. She has the lowest self esteem of anyone I have ever met. She planned a wedding to this guy before ever discussing with him. She said marry me or we’re done. And then she divorces a year and a half after marriage because of feelings similar to this. It’s not JUST the cup. It’s the relationship it’s built on that causes the problem. And being married to a self-absurbed shrewd
An article went over your head. Wow you’re dumb. Did you even read it for content?
You obviously didn’t understand what he wrote. It was never about the cup. It was about love and respect. If your wife asks you to do something small, like put a cup in the dish washer, or anything really, and she has to constantly ask you to do simple things that you ignore, she feels as though she doesn’t matter. This most likely is something that took years to build up. It would have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. Years of being taken advantage of, years of being ignored. It wasn’t one thing, it was a collection of seemingly small insignificant things that built up. Now, that doesn’t mean this marriage couldn’t have been saved with some better communication on both parts- who knows. But it was never the cup.
Exactly how I feel!
I totally agree. Well said!!
It’s not insane. Seems as if you missed the whole point of the article. It’s not just the glass..it’s about him caring enough to actually listen sometimes and take into consideration things and the reason why the wife wants them that way. To look at it in simple terms, she may be tired of cleaning up behind him so often when he doesn’t do it himself. It’s a 50-50..not an 80-20. How does this even say women don’t care about their husbands?
So you didn’t actually read the article? Or perhaps English is not your first language? Or you’re dumb? I have my 12 year old son read this to see what he thought and he said, ‘oh that’s why you get upset when we ________. I get it now….that makes so much more sense.’
Did I mention that he’s 12?
Well said
Leaving the dirty blender and protein shake powder on the counter. Only it wasn’t really that. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back after a long, painful series of affairs. The blender felt like his way of saying live with my disrespect, clean up my messes, it’s all you’re worth to me. You seem like a better man than him.
Yep, the author is exactly right. I divorced my first husband for not understanding the concept. And married my second because he understood it front to back. First husband wondered why I didn’t appreciate his “awesomeness” and that I must be a terrible person. Second never knew what he did to land a girl like me. It’s amazing how much gratitude, love, respect, attention, and whatever-else-your-man-heart-desires you get for behaving like an adult. (And for those of you that don’t, then maybe you aren’t with the right woman. It does go both ways…)
Congrats on landing Mr. Right! and being his Mrs. Right.
Because I love and respect my husband I week put the glass in the dishwasher for him instead of nagging him because I don’t wish to feel like his mother. Also because he does other things to do his share of work to keep our home and life running smoothly. I also know he didn’t leave it there as any disrespect to me or our home but because he doesn’t see things the same way that I do.
Well said, Jaimie! That is the secret to a happy relationship!
But by putting the dish in the dishwasher you ARE his mother cleaning up after a man child. You missed the point of the article. It’s not about the glass. It could be anything that bothers you that is essentially i consequential to him. To you..the glass thing is a poor example because it doesnt bother you. But i het theres other things that do. Did you even get this?
Haha you keep saying did you even get this to people. They get it, but its stupid, And any woman who would equate a man’s innocent habit as disrespect is just self absorbed and was spoiled too much as a kid.
If both partners are equal, they will both clean up after each other. No one is the mother, no one is the father, they are both working cooperatively. Only when things fall out of balance do things begin to go badly.
This made me smile. Managing a relationship is too complicated and too important to rely on blogposts for “TRUTH”. Every person has an inherently individual perspective and each of these may be presented as having validity. That does not make them equal for all people in all relationships. We have the ability (at least generally) and therefore the option to choose our perspectives and our battles. We also have the option to simply refuse to see these things as battles at all if what we truly value is our relationship. We can refuse to allow ourselves to be wounded and our relationships damaged or destroyed, when we choose to stop seeing — or imagining — the glass as a weapon and the spot by the sink as a tactical battleground. While there is something valuable and good about the author’s suggestion that love ought to be a positive motive inspiring us to please our partner, the example still looks like a juvenile game of king of the mountain which he seems to be justifying.
Bingo. Spot on Wally. Most lucid comment in the thread, hands down.
The validity of the overarching point of respecting one spouse being essential to a lasting marriage is too far eclipsed by the authors apparent ignorance of the “battlefield mentality” that his wife chose to embrace so as to enable her to draw conclusions about the motive behind “glass in the sink” with no actual causal relationship to the actual motive behind how it got there.
The fact that Anyone in a shared living space is 100% responsible for keeping the house exactly as clean as that particular individual “wants it to be” also renders the authors hypothesis highly suspect to me.
#truth…thank you soooooo much for sharing! This is going to help so many people, man AND women! Please tell us what drove you to this realization, and what kept you from making it during your marriage?
It’s great that you can have such a loving and open minded perspective and you make some very good points. But let’s be fair here, she had some responsibility here to. Is a dirty glass really that important? Should you give these little things so much power in your life? Is that dirty glass worth putting above your feelings for your husband? In the end, she chose the glass. That glass had lordship in her life. Marriage is a two way street. It requires compromise on both sides.
Unbelievable. I asked my husband of 20+ years to move out mid-Dec for exactly (EXACTLY!) what you have written about. He is a great person, intelligent, doesn’t beat me, doesn’t cheat (not in his moral fiber, I’m 110% sure), doesn’t get drunk, tries to be a good provider, knows how to have a good time. BUT HE DOES NOT GET IT. And he hasn’t. And I believe he will not. We have 2 teenaged sons and I am so sad that they have grown up in an environment in which I am almost constantly the only one to toe the line, to be the rule maker and enforcer — and I end up labeled a bi*ch. And their male role model has prided himself (!) on being “spontaneous”, “fun”, “flexible” and showing them how to enjoy life. He has not been a companion or partner to me or my interests or concerns or worked toward any family equilibrium to forge life plans for either the kids or us as a couple. He does what he wants, when he wants, as he wants — independent of any prior agreement WE have may have made together, as it suits him at the time. Years and years of telling him that this is maddening, frustrating, non-productive, hurtful, etc have gotten me nowhere, whether I talk to him calmly, angrily, tenderly, increase how often we have sex, become hysterical, tell him with tears in my eyes. Nothing makes any impact. He says “I am who I am”.
And I am moving on.
I agree with you. Although I didn’t divorce my husband due to a glass not in the sink, it was similar to your sittuation. Nine years of marriage and then two kids later, I realized his selfish ways were disrespectful of doing whatever he wanted while I had to beg for him to be a babysitter If I wanted to do something, I moved on. Not to another relationship but to independance. If I were doing it all by myself anyways I might as well be alone. Cheers to you and your decision!
Best wishes to both you ladies 🙂
Good for you!
The real story here folks isn’t dishes, (or as some responders suggest, it isn’t trash, isn’t laundry, etc..). The real story is that two people never learned each other well enough, two people never learned to accept idiosyncrasies, and work around them. The real story is that no marriage is about any of the actions above. Marriage is about 2 people, understanding each other’s needs, wants, and ideas. Two people accepting that what one may see, as a hurdle, the other doesn’t even see. The problem is communication, if she had of, and he had of communicated they would have come to common ground. No marriage ends because of chores, if it does, then both were shallow and aren’t ready to marry anyone. Someone with OCD, needs coddling, but they also need to work on changing themselves, not expecting their partner to change, only. My mother in law, and wife both have OCD, neither look at the things I don’t do, as a negative, because they see the things I do, do; and vice versa. That’s what love is, people working together, a team. If these type of things are the downfall of a marriage, well, shallow is the word of the day, then.
Brilliant!!! This sums up so much. And I know a man who feels disrespected by the very same thing. This goes both ways. Thank you for the great insight!
I have this conversation with my husband daily about shutting the fucking bread bin.
Picking up after an adult is ridiculous. Everyone is talking about perspective. If we looked at it as two adults sharing a space would it still be selfish and unreasonable to ask any of those two adults to be responsible for keeping that space clean, tidy and comfortable?
Very interesting read. I would go one step farther with the woman’s side of WHY it feels so disrespectful to her. It is not only because the husband has heard her plea before and chooses to ignore it over and over again. It is MOST hurtful and aggravating that the cup represents the WOMAN’S responsibility. AKA, man: I’m leaving this here just inches from the dishwasher because I may use it again or it doesn’t really matter/bother me where it sits.
Woman: he left this here for ME to take care of. I guess it’s my job to clean up after him and put it where it belongs.
That is the disrespect.
It’s a symbol of her job and responsibility to take care of his mess. That drives her crazy and away.
Wow! You sir are a genius.
It’s more about this:
Man leaves cup next to sink.
Woman is aggravated because SHE has to move cup to dishwasher.
Man repeats.
Woman repeats with more aggravation.
Man sees cup as insignificant.
Woman sees cup as his message to her that it’s not HIS job, but HER job to put his cup where it belongs.
Man stays oblivious.
Woman stays aggravated.
Exactly! What men also don’t understand is that the man basically eventually just becomes something else on their “to do” list and becomes insignificant. And then when man wants something from her, all she can think is, I’m not your beck and call girl.
@matt Can I just add a bit to this? I believe and agree with what you’ve figured out as of late. For me in this situation, I work hard to keep up a clean and tidy home. I appreciate when my (entire) family helps out by not leaving the new dish on the counter, the sink, the table, the living room. I appreciate when my family wipes the crumbs they made just five minutes after I cleaned the counters and stove. I appreciate when they put things away rather than just become a cluttered mess. You get what I’m trying to say. We’re not intentionally trying to nag. We’ve been asking, albeit subtly, for years for these things to happen. We don’t care whether or not someone is coming over. It makes us feel better within ourselves that we have something put together neat and comfortably even if it’s not completely that way in our personal makeup. That is one way we can accomplish these things. I’ve found that if there’s a bit of marital trouble or maybe just can’t see eye-to-eye lately, the things we’ve asked throughout the years seem like suddenly we’ve become a constant nag. It’s truly not like that. It just compiles and looks that way because there’s trouble and blame needs to be established somewhere. Mark Gungor has really good thoughts on all of this. I’m still trying to digest some of it as it is hard to swallow. We’d all do well by dropping over and finding him on YouTube. The two brains is good as well as part 3. You’ll find all three uploaded by one user. It’d be good to share. I got a better perspective on some things and it’s only done me good for my marriage.
Then there’s the one who will find fault no matter what you do. Marriage is 100/100, but if everything is being done to accommodate one, but fault is still found, one is Not trying.
Anyone commenting about what to do or not to do with the cup is in a different ocean much less not in the same boat as this article and stuck where the author USED to be until he reflected and left the “must argue my point” habit in the shadows. The CUP could have been the dirty socks, the child’s soccer practice transportation, the mowed lawn, the toilet seat, the placing too many additional demands or her or lack of a the “atta girls” for a job well done…. the perception of petty on one side minimizing validation and gratitude on the other. This was not an article on, “oh yeah, well what about me?” It is about NOT thinking those already used habitually defeating thoughts. It isn’t even as I read it about men vs. women, it is not one man’s struggle with his former wife. It is about what are WE, the readers willing to see in our own selves that can be the catlyst for destruction in any current or future relationship and see through our perception and into the others. If the perception of the other person causes them to feel hurt in any way then love can be replaced with the argument or the point. Lets say husband is hurt because wife makes belittling jokes about him in public around their friends. He gets mad each time and she says, “oh come on, it was just a joke, everyone KNOWS I am just teasing and trying to be funny, man up , don’t be a baby, grow a thicker skin, grow a pair, stop being a mamma’s boy, you are stupid to get mad about just a joke etc etc.” Well to her it could be just a joke and some may think him getting all huffy is him being too sensitive or not having a sense of humor. But if SHE stops and thinks about the effect it has on HIM not how to DEFEND her act and dismiss him then she has done what marriage is supposed to be, loving and caring for the other the way THEY need to be loved and cared for. Sometimes we need to make small changes that seem like no big deal to us because they are to the other person … period. Arguing why we shouldn’t have to or why it is easy enough for them to just do it themselves or why we think THEY should just get over it, will never be the solution because that is not something that comes from a place of love. This is not saying to cater to every whim and be enslaved to the other in constant servitude, that backfires pretty much always as well ( ask my son who did and sacrificed everything for his girl for years, who left him recently, being catered to gets boring and they all leave). There is nothing unequal about this mans article if you can take the message, the lesson and apply to your own life to help make it better, if you cannot then you probably aren’t looking for change right now anyhow so go read about football or some musician or world news instead. Something you ARE interested in. If you can gain from this information and make your relationship more solid, then the author has done as he intended and I hope a few folks on the brink can make a turn or at least start to due to reading this, or improve what is already a good relationship and make it a great one. Remember we find what seek, if you are looking for an argument , you will always find one. Seek peace and find the way to it, for your own happiness.
Your first few lines are genius. Im reading the comments in disbeief that so many people are missing the point.
Yep. You get it. I wish my soon to be ex would read it. I’ve tried emailing him these sorts of emails. That doesn’t go over well.
@matt the main point I’d make is communication is key. Communication and truly listening. You can listen but it doesn’t mean you’ll hear. If they both listen, there’s a greater chance things will be worked out. There will be need for compromise. A man is supposed to love his wife; good #Bible study. A wife is supposed to reverence her husband; another good #Bible study. The answers are in the Bible; it’d be good for them to study and find them together.
Thank you Disney movies and Hollywood for making women (and men to be fair) like this. I’m sure this wasn’t a problem before the movie industry.
Was that a serious comment? Or was is meant to sound that ignorant just to stir the pot? I’m pretty sure that men and women haven’t had a thought process that was remotely similar to one another that dates back LONG before Hollywood and/or Disney ever started making films…lol.
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You nailed this right on the head. Thank you for articulating it so well!
The overall principal to question, is are we lead by our feelings ( feelings lie), or are we making excuses, You cannot have a holy sacramental marriage and make excuses, it one or the other, and this principal applies to both genders. Wisdom and great points here, my thanks. I made a similar mistake and did not listen with my heart.
I love this. I wanna kiss you right now.
I love this post. It’s so true! It goes both ways as well. There are little things that my husband asks me to do that I have not done in the past – like you I tried to argue my way out of them because I thought they were silly. But then I had the same realization. It’s about respecting him and what he’s requested of me. Great advice and summary of relationships! I will now be following your blog.
Okay people you don’t get it, marriage is a partnership. Women are working as well and come home and have to cook, clean, help the kids with homework, etc. This would not be an issue if you took work out of the equation. Failing to take that extra step and put your recycling in the bin, throwing away that piece of bubble gum wrap instead of leaving in on the counter, taking out the garbage without being told or putting your dish in the dishwasher is a big deal. Does the man have to tell the woman to go grocery shopping or to do laundry? Women do not want to get married to be a mom, they want a partner. And yes a man who does these things without being told is the sexiest thing they can do for their mate. And don’t just do it for a week to make her happy, this needs to be a lifetime commitment. So she did not divorce him for one dish, it was a culmination of several things equal to not doing his part. And the 4 seconds it takes to pick up laundry or take out the trash equals a lifetime of happiness. So please don’t be judgmental towards her, she married him because she loved him, she divorced him because she fell out of love.
I agree with everything you said, except for one thing….
You’ve effectively accomplished contradicting yourself in one of the most evident of ways. You say that women dont want to get married to be a mom, which I can agree with you on that. However, I don’t think men want to marry their mother, either. If you think you can “tell your husband what to do,” you’re effectively behaving as the mother you say you don’t want to be. You cannot play the role of a mother and expect a man not to treat you like one, complete with misbehaving!! In a real 50/50 partnership, you treat one another with love and respect. Bossing ANYONE around is showing a position of authority, and should never be done in any marriage if you have any hopes of longevity. Being kind, loving and humble, asking your spouse will get you a heck of a lot further than giving orders will. Taking them for granted, and expecting things to be done “how & when they are told” can land you in divorce court just as quickly as not putting that cup in the dishwasher.
About the only people I am okay with taking orders from are my superiors at work, or a person in a position of authority, such as law enforcement. If you want a good, lasting relationship, in which both parties are happy, you must treat one another as equals. Being given orders by a spouse is just as, if not MORE rude & disrespectful equates to being a bully.
Just something to think about. I have first hand experience with… if you have a spouse who puts up with that type of behavior, he or she is either spineless or counting the days to make their escape. 😉
I know you probably are tired of reading comments on this post – it was exhausting for me to get through them all, but I also thought of something that plagued me in previous relationships: Differing Standards.
One man who I very much liked and dated – had an amazing bachelor pad. White carpet, glass tables, black lacquer shelves. He was very metro. Very neat and organized. High standards in everything – even his dishes matched. If a dish broke, then he would replace a whole set rather than buy a mismatched piece.
I, on the other hand, am a country girl with tomboy sensibilities. I wear steel toed boots and I work in construction, and I don’t get my nails done, and I have animals, and I change my own oil, and I build things. None of my dishes match because I am eclectic and I don’t really care if my bowls have the same pattern. It’s not important. I don’t care if my sheets match – pick a fitted sheet and a flat sheet and put them on the bed.
You could say that opposites attract – and we fell VERY much in Love.
When he asked me to move in with him, I went into bawling hysterics. I told him that I could not measure up – I can’t be responsible for keeping his house pristine – there was NO WAY I could keep his white carpet from stains, or not have animals, or keep the dishes out of the sink. I do “country clean” and he likes “city clean”. I was scared to death!
He promised that his love for me was so absolute that he didn’t care – he could handle it. I loved him so I moved in. We both work, and he was proud of me for my accomplishments, and I tried so hard to step-up to his standards. We cohabitated for two years and he kept his promises and wanted me to marry him. I finally capitulated – we eloped in Las Vegas. Maybe my insecurities took hold: I never felt I was doing good enough. The criticisms found their way into my psyche – I gained 15 pounds – he bought me a treadmill and told me that he “doesn’t do fat chicks”. My dogs made too much noise and interfered with his sleep. The dishes weren’t being put in the dishwasher fast enough. I left laundry in the dryer. I opened the doors with the air-conditioner on. And the list goes on…
Long story short – I left. I felt like a failure. A big fat slobby unloveable failure. The marriage lasted 6 years – 8 years total. My self-esteem took a blow.
Since then, I bought a farm and I have my animals, my house is “country clean” – and my standards are just fine. My weight is just fine. I work in construction still – and I am Just Fine. I open the doors with the air conditioner on, I leave a load in the dryer sometimes, and there are almost always dishes in the sink – because that’s how I do things.
I don’t feel the need to be “Perfect”, and I never will, but I’m happy, hard-working, honest, loving and loveable, fun, funny, goofy, playful, responsible, adventurous, kind, and I don’t have any pressure to be someone that I’m not.
I like your “country clean” and “city clean.” Very well put. And I agree, opposites attract and require both parties to balance that awesomeness. I’m a pile person, my husband is a clean horizontal surfaces person. He would get aggravated with my piles piling up and would shuffle them all into a cabinet or something; I would get aggravated because I couldn’t find the thing that I had put Right Here. I now use bins/baskets for my piles. I can find what I’m looking for (once I find the bin), he has his cleared–or easily cleared-surfaces.
I am sorry that your marriage turned out how it did. Congratulations on your farm and on being happy with yourself. Thanks again for the country clean/city clean quip. 😀
Yours is my favorite comment. I showed it to my wife, who showed me this article. We talked about it. It was fun 😉
Thank you. I didn’t know if it was comprehensible. I always wondered if Prince Charming would be aggravated by Cinderella’s talking to rodents and her proclivity to cleaning the hearth. 🙂
Finding your compatible mate. Wow thanks for post .
I loved your story and the happy ending. I wish you continued happiness.
Thank you.
Great article! I just had an absolute melt down a few weeks ago for the same reasons! I work and own a business! It’s all left for me to do. My husband and son just said when I lost my mind “just tell us what you want us to do”!
That infuriated me even more. I am a very strong person and MONKYS will fly out of my BUTT before I ask for help. We all live in the same household everyone knows the garbage needs to go out, laundry, vaccume, mopping , dishwasher, etc. why do I have to ask????
I can’t articulate how that makes me feel other than its expected. The funny thing is if I see him making the effort I don’t mind doing it. It’s the not trying I mind…..I love my husband and I don’t think I would divorce him over it BUT if over years he didn’t try after I expressed my frustration it could become an issue!
Thank you for writing the article. Sorry for you it was a loss of your partner!
Lisa, I can sympathize with you as I am married with two sons. It is hard to realize that men and women think differently. I realize you don’t want to ask for help but the male members of your household don’ t think like you do. Take them up on their offers and guide them on what to do. If you have always done those other things they don’t realize they have to be done. Once you tell them or make them a list of what needs to be done you can be upset when they don’t help.
The glass goes both ways.
Wow! This is a martial counseling session!
This was an incredibly insightful article! I’m a 37 year old woman who divorced at 31 and remarried at 35. So many of the situations mentioned happened in my first marriage, and occasional even in my current one. I truly wish more men could understand this! Thank you for leading the way by trying to educate them. Unfortunately, most have to learn it when it’s too late. 🙁
To all those who realize this isn’t about a dish, thank you. Through his marriage the author did thousands of “little things” his wife felt as a little cut – this dish isn’t in a vacuum.
Also, sure this is about communication, but without empathetic perspective taking communication is hollow. Truth is fellas, women are more naturally inclined to empathize and when empathized with, most feel further connected. It takes mutually cultivated emotional intelligence to bear this out, but in a male normative environment emotional intelligence work is too often viewed as weakness. It is a gigantic strength.
Too many men are scared teenagers inside, unwilling to analyze themselves, consider their flaws, and recognize how those fhings impact themselves and others. Ie “this is who I am, deal with it”, because I’m invulnerable. Too many women expect men to “just get it”. It works for some women, the subservient, the ones willing to live in a man’s world, the naturally less emotional, amongst other reasons (to those women who disagree with me, please know I’m not specifically calling you subservient, etc). Unfortunately men often fall in love with strength, independence, and logic … and then refuse to accept women’s strength, independence, and logic when it doesn’t befit us. Being forced to live a day to day where challenge and growth through communication, reflection, and perspective taking is hard work at first but gets easier, and has astounding payoffs. You both simply have to value it.
As a man, I must also say there’s a disconcerting amount of barefoot in the kitchen thinking in these comments. Society is better off when we strive beyond transactional relationships.
Here! Here! Well said! 🙂
You help restore my faith. (Though I keep telling myself this must have been linked to from a redpill forum, because a lot of this has just been ridiculous.)
some wisdom for any women reading from someone happily married for (most of) 12 years . . .. forget the glass! ignore the glass! get over the glass! . . .trust me, having conversations/nagging/even mentioning about the glass will get you nowhere but a little more disconnected from him. no you shouldn’t have to be his mother but doing a few “motherly” things for him can be a loving dynamic in the relationship. Just put the glass in the dishwasher and assess your relationship this way : Look at his other behavior – if he’s gainfully employed/working hard, happy to see you when he gets home, tries to remember to do considerate things to lighten you load most of the time (even if they’re not the things you wish he’d do!), and wants to have fun with you during his free time (at least a lot of the time. . .let the man have his time alone!). . . .then you probably have a good man who still loves you and is trying. Now, if he expects you to do ALL the housework, ALL the child rearing, AND work 40+ hours a week. . .something is very wrong. He may have watched his mother accept this lot in life and think it’s natural or even that a woman wants to live that way and be “superwoman”. Tell him that these days you have somehow become full time homemaker/mom and a full time worker and things have gotten out of balance . .ask him to help you come up with a plan to getting things back into balance Avoid wording like “not fair”, “why do you get free time and I don’t” “i’m exhausted” “i didn’t sign up for this” and avoid crying/getting emotional. Stay calm. This is just an obvious problem that needs solved. Let him think about it. He should come back and be open to talking about either you working part time,workingnot at all and saving money on day care(but then you treating homemaking like the real job it is!), hiring a maid at least part time, hiring a babysitter on weekends so you have time to youself, he taking over groceries/taking kids to and from daycare, or other big jobs, cutting out some big budge items so you both can work less ect. . .If he has a couple weeks/months to ponder it and at the end just shrugs his shoulders as if it’s your problem, not yours… .THEN you may have a selfish man, or a man that no longer loves you, or a man that thought he wanted family life and realizes it’s too much for him, ect and may want to consider counseling and then leaving him if that doesn’t help . . . . .but in conclusion, NOT ABOUT A GLASS! FORGET THE GLASS!
You are 100% correct! Spot on. After almost 10 years, we’ve just now figured this out. We’ve never been happier.
I guess you did not understand the article, sad for you.
This is one of the most insiteful pieces I have ever read. You perfectly articulated the things women have not be able to. It’s simallr to the Break-up movie in the dishwashing scene. The line ” I want you to want to do dishes”. I am truly sorry your marriage ended but know that sharing this may save others. Thank you.
Look, I was that wife, and then I realized, “what the hell am I doing for him to make him feel validated, respected, and loved? Marriage isn’t a pissing contest. It’s all what you put into it. I have bipolar, and I was missing the fact that the entire time we have been married I was unstable, and yet, he was by my side. He never gave up on me, never abandoned me. Took care of our 3 kids, while taking basically emergency time off work to do so, and he runs a store. I bitched about all those things in the meantime (leaving his shoes around, while we have a shoe closet, which he still does, by the way), but does that matter? When I’m lying on my death bed, am I going to remember a man that couldn’t put his shoes away to save his life, or am I going to remember a man that dropped everything to save mine? He’s also the funniest human being I’ve ever met. We aren’t perfect now, but after almost 10 years now, I know he’s my match. If he wants to leave a thousand glasses by the goddamned sink, he can go right ahead. I know I matter. We both do for each other now. We also work together. It’s a team effort when things get hard, and believe me, with 3 littles, it’s hard.
I’ve been married for 48 years and put up with exactly this problem, and have understood both sides most of those years (which is why we’re still together).
A man will not read this whole article. Cut it down to a meme so it has impact. The women who read it will be like me…annoyed because I had to get cancer before he realized my feelings mattered. I mattered.
“But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time.”
Am I the only one that thinks this sounds absolutely ridiculous?
Absolutely not! If you two are equal, why does she think it’s okay to boss you around like a child? Asking gets you a whole lot further than bullying….and I’m a female, btw. I don’t understand why any woman would think it’s acceptable to be bossy toward their spouse! Then again…I chose to work driving dump truck for a living because I can’t work with catty women! 😉
Fantastic article. As a therapist, I see this content vs. context issue come up often. People can get stuck on the context, the “cup”, when it WAS NEVER ABOUT THE CUP. You have done a great job at breaking it down to the truth of the matter. Women don’t want to be married to Peter Pan. And we don’t want to be a nag. We simply want you to handle your shit. It shows us you care. And if you are having a hard time agreeing with this article? Well, I think you might just be a Peter Pan.
Claire, love your response!
Dang people! I enjoyed the article and never really thought of any of the house cleaning (or the lack of it) as love and respect, though I can certainly see that it could be considered that. One of the comments said that marriage is a partnership, and it is. You are supposed to be a team – the both of you against whatever. It isn’t supposed to be about the girls role or the boys role, it’s about being part of a team. Sometimes you get to be Captain of the team, sometimes not. My dear hubby and I have been together for 32 years. Let me tell you, we have fought over housework – and yes, sometimes I do most of it. Though, since the very beginning I have told him “if you don’t like it then you should take care of it.” So, if I don’t dust or do the laundry or the dishes because I am busy, he does them. He doesn’t always do it the way I would and I can’t tell you how many items of clothing have been ruined, but that isn’t the point. He stepped up to the plate and took a swing. That is what being on a team is. That is what a marriage should be. Let me tell you one last thing – several years ago we had our house built. It is a very stressful time and a contractor will build your house the way you want, until he wants to do something his way. Then he will try to divide you into “he said, she said.” That is the reason so many couples get divorced while building their houses. The take away from this article should be how to stay on the Love Team – and if that means taking care of something that your spouse normally does, shouldn’t you?
Going to another level what if the women “puts the glass into the dishwasher” along with being a wife and at times feeling like the mother but carries on regardless, however later in the marriage the wife finds out the husband since they have been together and even more so after marriage was nothing but deceitful, liar, secretive and did things without the wife’s knowledge and I’m not talking minor things, yet he can’t understand why she is so upset and wants to know the answers to why he has done those things. The marriage is ending but the wife is still seeking these answers as she can’t understand how and why someone can do that to her after “putting the glass into the dishwasher” and testing and being there for him. Can anyone give the answer the wife is seeking or is it because the husband is a total moron. Wife is waiting for.any helpfuln answers
The author managed to translate all of the fighting and stress of my last marriage into one simple article. He explained things in a way that even my ex-husband could understand. He and I are dating again, and two weeks ago, he did one of the things that he used to do that hurt my feelings so bad when we were married. That behavior is a trigger for me. It brings the old emotions to the forefront, and I remember all of the pain from the past. For two weeks, he behaved like the author pre-divorce and said almost verbatim the things that the author wrote. He wouldn’t listen to me and my feelings about this situation, and really dug his heels in. After reading the article, he called to apologize and said that he understood better what he had done that upset me so much. He and I have a long way to go, and I am not sure that we will ever get “there” again, but this kind of insight is invaluable to me. No matter how many times I have tried to explain WHY this small and insignificant behavior bothered me so much, he didn’t understand. I just want to say thank you for your perspective. Keep blogging.
Loved this article. All the men posting the don’t believe what he said have wives that would agree with this article – they are just clueless. It’s not about the glass.
Wow…thank you so much for posting this. It is Sunday and I literally just asked my husband for a divorce on Friday because of what is, in a nutshell, this exact same issue. I am not a high-maintenance or needy wife. I am not selfish, prideful, spiteful or irrational. I am simply broken inside because I have been torn apart by 13 years of being the sole bearer of responsibility in my marriage. It is all on me, there is NOTHING that I trust my husband to take care of…nothing. And he has proven me right not to trust him time and time again. Resentment wiggled its way into my relationship years ago, it took hold, grew roots and began poisoning my life. I have finally gathered the courage to leave knowing I am breaking the heart of a man I love deeply but it’s something I must do for the sake of my own sanity. For the people who suggested this can be solved by simply having better communication, I wish you could have been there during the thousands of conversations we have had about these things. I wish you could have seen the disappointment after the promises that were the result of these conversations were broken, chipping away another tiny piece of my trust. We have tried counselling multiple times, we have read books on marriage, we have conversed until we were both exhausted and frustrated, we have talked ourselves in and out of a million different scenarios in which we could envision things being better. Ultimately, he doesn’t get it and no amount of communication, honesty, tears, anger or time will fix that.
I have been torn apart by 13 years of being the sole bearer of responsibility….I could have written that except it was 15 yrs for me. He thought that bringing home a paycheck was all he needed to do. I took care of the kids, the bills, the yard work, the housework, took days off for kids appointments, went to their games and concerts (he did none of this), and the list goes on. We would talk and talk and talk about things but nothing would ever change, he would make no effort whatsoever, he only paid lip service to the problem thinking that it should be enough. I left 13 yrs ago because i knew i could do well on my own, I was already doing everything and all he was doing was providing more work at home while making me feel less than and I didn’t need either! I never looked back and have been happier every day since than I was the day before and am loving being single! I’ve not ever remarried and stopped dating several years ago because all I kept finding were more men like him, men looking for mother and nanny/maid not a wife/partner.
Yes, you people who are getting so worked up and defensive over this article are clearly too simple minded to get it. Good luck with your happiness.
Claire, great ad hominem.
This might sound bogus but I read a book about the “five languages of love” which pertains to exactly this phenomenon. I think both you and that author describes the connotations of not doing these small acts of kindness really well. Marital life would probably be better if we all listened more and followed our own reasoning and logic less. Great article!
This resonated with me……my ex would just drop his dirty laundry right beside the hamper…..never put a thing in it. Would leave empty food containers on the counter within a couple feet of the garbage bin. The coffee table (his personal “desk”) was piled a foot high with trash and unpaid bills. Dirty dishes left in the living room where he had watched TV and had a snack. I was picked at constantly because I completed my education and got a good job to get us and the kids off welfare…..he said that he should notice NO difference in housework done, that the fact that I had a job should in no way be evident when he got home. Even tho for years my considerable check went into HIS account and I had to beg for $10 for gas to get to work. I stayed because I thought love would eventually conquer all. BS! My mistake was not recognizing that first figurative dirty glass by the dishwasher.
So let me throw out a parallel here. If a man says it is really important that his wife put the toothpaste cap on the tube, or squeeze from the bottom, and she does not, it’s ok if he eventually divorces her, right? Because she didn’t listen to him about something that was important to him.
Now, if the author ignored his wife on many different fronts, and was not pulling his weight at home even though both worked, then that is different. But that is not what was said here – and yes, I am aware that they used a clickbait title for the article. How come everyone says don’t sweat the small stuff? You know, save your energy for the big stuff, the big issues. I have 3 friends whose wives, after they were married and had their first kid, said “hey, honey, I really don’t want to go back to work.” That’s not a glass by the sink, that’s being run over by a truck (financial)! Yet all 3 guys made the sacrifice for their wives (and also, to be fair, for their kids), including taking on extremely high pressure jobs to bring in more income.
It’s only a parallel if the toothpaste tube makes you HURT the same as whatever she’s saying HURTS her.
When people hurt, they often go do something else. When those people are married, that equals divorce.
I can’t figure out why this is such a hard thing for people to grasp, but I know that it is because I said all this same crap, too.
If the glass by the sink = hurt, but the toothpaste tube does NOT = hurt, then the two situations are nowhere near the same thing.
When you tell your wife she’s not allowed to feel bad about something, she’ll leave.
And if you WANT her to leave, there’s not much more to say about it.
But.
If you A. Care about her, and/or B. Don’t want to get divorced, you’re going to want to draw this conclusion sooner rather than later.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for your reply. I’ll answer in 2 parts. First, the question of being hurt by the glass runs pretty counter to the idea of not sweating the small stuff. But let’s say that all issues are treated as important, whether or not they seem that way. If the author of this article had written instead that he was divorcing his wife because she was messy and he was tidy, and despite many pleadings, she still left her underwear next to the shower, toothpaste cap off, dirty dishes in the sink – I would be extremely surprised if the comments would be supportive of him and his decision.
Second, a lot of men get frustrated if their wives put on weight. While I don’t know if the word hurt is appropriate, it bothers them a great deal. But I guarantee you if a man wrote an article about how he divorced his wife because, despite his pleadings, she did not lose weight, he would be castigated as shallow and selfish, and having ignored the marital vows “for better or for worse”.
I am the author of this post, and I agree with 100-percent of what you just said.
I draw the line at believing the two are in conflict.
Listen, I write first-person stories that usually get read a thousand times at most.
Almost everyone following my blog prior to three days ago “knows” me. They’ve been following along for months or years.
They KNOW that the silly glass example was just a tiny part of one big problem.
That problem is, in my estimation, men and women operate differently, don’t always realize it, do a shitty job of communicating it, and then little things like a glass being left by the sink becomes a fight.
If you must know, I was a very selfish, self-centered husband. An only child who didn’t have to do many chores growing up. Who assumed when something didn’t make sense to me that it ALSO shouldn’t make sense to my wife.
When she disagreed, I more or less said and behaved as if she was wrong or stupid.
As part of a huge mosaic of marriage issues, a glass by the sink can be a real problem. I’m shocked there’s even one real-life adult who thinks an adult woman would literally leave on account of a dish by the sink with no other corresponding problems. That seems a totally insane conclusion.
But some people clearly do. Whatever.
When men and women are having marriage problems, a fight will arise. One of them will have a complaint. The other won’t understand.
And all I’m saying is, if we can learn to give a shit about something simply because our partners care, and not because we all agree on its merit, we can divorce less often.
This is not man vs. woman. This is not right vs. wrong.
I don’t care what single people do. I don’t care what people who are going to intentionally violate their marriage vows do.
What I care about are people like me. People who once got married on purpose. With thoughtfulness and planning. Intended to stay married. Had children. And then accidentally, over many years, made poor choices that I have come to believe slowly erode relationships and cause 80-90 percent of all divorce cases.
This is for people who are married and want to stay married but are often fighting with their spouses and can’t always figure out why.
I think the conversation is important. It’s hard to describe how uncomfortable it is have hundreds of strangers call you names based on one blog post they didn’t read thoroughly or understand. But people are having the conversation that needs to happen. So, I think this is a good thing.
Your comment just now was accurate and fair across the board. I completely agree with you. But it has no conflict with my dishes scenario, either.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply, the additional context helps a lot. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Hopefully your honest and public self appraisal will help others who are facing marital problems.
Absolutely amazing article. Nails it right on the head.
This is so stupid its funny. Give in to the whiney woman that complains about everything because she’s always had her spoiled way her entire life. YOU should have divorced her.
The best unexpectedly free marriage counselling I’ve ever received.
I’ll put my two cents in. As I was reading this article, I thought of several situations in my marriage: I felt unloved and underappreciated and forgotten because he sat there on the couch immersed in his phone while I wrapped all of our son’s birthday presents. I felt I wasn’t wanted because he was too involved with his phone to talk to me when I asked 2 questions on the 20 minute drive home from dropping our kids off with his parents. He never heard me. I’ve resorted to listing for him when it happens why I feel he doesn’t listen to me. I know he loves me and I know I should get over it. But when all these kind of things build up and I start PMSing and everything comes crashing down. Then I let out all my feelings. All the frustrations and hurt. And I get “that’s crazy, just be happy”. I think of divorce because I feel exactly how this article describes and how one comment explained: if I am the only one who cares about me, then I should go back to being single except with 2 kids this time. I wouldn’t feel like I’m number 2 to his phone or his family. I wouldn’t feel like I should accept that I have certain chores and I should be grateful that he changes diapers because none of his male ancestors did. I wouldn’t feel like I’m the only one who knows where the clothes go when the dryer is done. Or the only one who cares if we have time alone or not. Or the only one who cares if we kiss everytime we see each other which isn’t often due to our work schedules. I know that marriage should be 100/100. But I feel (and cannot get any confirmation on his view) that I give way more than him. I’ve told him our communication sucks. He asks why. I tell him why. I guess the conversation on was not important enough to hold his attention.
This article hit home for me. So thank you for it.
It really made a lot of sense, didn’t it? Hope you’re own situation improves. The eruption of resentments are so hard to come back from it can feel a lonely place. Good luck.
Ah, I’ve just found the rest of the comments. What a discussion this generated. Fair play!
After reading many of the comments, I’d like to bring up a theory.
The author has explained perfectly a situation which seemed unexplainable to me, but many readers can’t seem to “get it” and vehemently defend their argument against the author. Everybody, please just give up on these people, they can’t be helped. They are too narcissistic or are sociopaths and even a perfectly written article like this one will not help them. Did you know that there is probably one sociopath out of 27 people in the U.S.? They cannot be helped by an article. no matter how outstanding it is.
My husband was married to a sociopath for 19 years before he left. If a sociopath/narcissist is pretty smart, he/she can keep their survivor hooked for years without a clue that life could be better if they just got out. Many survivors will come to the defense of their abuser because certain types of abuse and control can seriously manipulate devoted people. Articles like these can help the survivor realize it’s not all his/her fault. Also, the negative comments prove that there’s nothing else that the survivor can do to make the situation better.
Now this is a theory, I can be wrong. Still, if you are a survivor reading this article, show it to your partner. I believe if he/she has an “aha” moment, there’s hope. If he/she strongly rejects it, get out.
Well put! I am the survivor of a narcissist who drug me along for 29 years of marriage. Heed this advice, if he just thinks its about dishes, get out before he screws his oh so respectful, admiring secretary!
… think about what you said… you already knew this man was narcissistic, … fact is, that’s probably what attracted you to him. Laying blame for the time you “waisted” … was solely your fault, you knew but yet you continued, … people don’t change, they may stop some things that bother their true love, but for the most part, human nature, is what it is… some people have a hard time learning from their mistakes, … it took you 28 of 29 years and apparently a secretary for you to learn. … rude of me … yes … but true none the less
Actually Chad your wrong. Most narcissist hide that part of themselves for yrs if need be and are very good at pretending and faking it. I was married to one for 9 yrs. That’s how long it took me to overcome physical mental and emotional abuse. People have trouble leaving their abusers. I feel like you just abused this lady further. What an asshole! You could have chose to not comment… to not be a jerk. But it seems like maybe you are one of them narcissistic assholes like her ex is.
There’s so much going on in my head right now. Love this article don’t know if ” He” will even read it, but good to know by the comments other people get it.?
You are dead on. Been there…thankfully for only 2 years.
Though your theory is plausible, in this case, the dirty dishes are a metaphor. It’s about lack of respect.
Its either your theory about the argumentative readers or the lowered expectations in schools on reading comprehension. Man some of these comments, ” if she left you over a glass she isn’t worth it” What full paragraphs are they skipping?
It IS a theory and you ARE wrong.
You may even be the 1in 27.
If you hand this article to a spouse and they have an aha moment, then explain to me how YOU are not the manipulator.
Live your life and let others live theirs.
The fact that I openly suggested I might be wrong is the proof I am not one of the 27, I am not the manipulator, according to the mental health industry. I come to this theory from my years of experience as a professional in the criminal justice system. I do what I can to contribute to society in a positive manner. If what little I can do makes no difference, I let it go. I don’t have any more time to worry about things out of my sphere of influence, which is pretty limited.
Wow! Well put, JBS. I was married to a extreme narcissist and he kept me tagging along for 27 years. He was very skilled at hiding it. As the author says, he made me feel like I didn’t matter in his life and it was over much bigger things than a dirty glass. We/I tried through counselling to get through to him for 18 months, but, as you have said, they will never be helped. I got out and my life is infinitely better!
That’s a good theory! Mine would very likely have rejected it as “hogwash.”
Do you think Tom Brady, David Beckham or Brad Pitt’s wife would leave them over dishes. Of course not. Once a woman does not love a man anymore, things like dishes start to annoy her. I bet his ex’s new boyfriend doesn’t do the dishes either. The women who like this crap are foolish. Do they want a lover or a dishwasher?
True
i want a dishwasher
You completely missed the point Eric…First of all Tom, David and Brad all have hired help so Giselle, Victoria and Angie really don’t have the concern of whether or not their beloved is going to “do the dishes” or not. The point was about respect of being respected. While the priviliged elite may not have to worry about live’s trivial concerns I assure you that if Tom, David or Brad disrepected Giselle, Victoria or Angie the divorce papers would be served…and fast.
Right. The hired help is what’s making those women stay 🙂 Ha!
Thank YOU for the belly laugh.
I think women want a man they don’t have to “mother”. Who is going to put that dish on the dishwasher? Is there a dishwasher fairy? Is there a woman out there who thinks it is so sexy to have to pick up her husband’s clothes off of the bathroom floor and into the hamper. The man who cannot manage to get his mind around the fact that his wife is neither his mother nor his maid doesn’t deserve a wife. I am a stay at home mom and I do all of the housework, but if I can get my children to pick up after themselves I can surely get a grown man to just pick up after himself.
Exactly. You’re not into incest, you’re not into pedophilia, no wonder your husband acting like one of your children instead of a full-grown adult partner turns you off.
Exactly, Liz!
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Thanks Eric for proving that regardless of how well it is explained, some guys are simply idiots and will always be idiots and deserve to die alone.
You really got what I was going through. Doing the same thing over and over again, after we’ve gone over it several times, cand hubby still does not get it! The good thing is that, we are able to discuss it (after I put both of us through silent days and nights) and come to a compromise. And marriage really is a lot of work, even after 25 years! More so now, because we have acquired bad habits along the way that is difficult to break. So more work for the next 25 years! I did ask my hubby to read it ( “another husband bashing article?”, he asked) with an open mind and we’ll discuss it. Thanks for this.
BUY A DISHWASHER
“Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher.”
Let’s play spot the person that didn’t read the article
THANK YOU for the literal LOL belly laugh!
If you are a man, and you are disputing the point of the glass….. you will probably be divorced soon.. I learned from it..
You are so right on point here.
You will probably be divorced regardless of anything. Your wife no longer loves you but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and say that or is afraid to leave so it manifests itself in glasses and such. Ball up women and just leave if you’re unhappy.
Just out of curiosity, Joe: (I’m completely serious.) What is it that you have against some behavioral modifications that would see your wife happy and content and making you feel respected, admired and wanted?
Why does that sound like such a horrible and unfair situation to you?
Thank you for writing this ?
Ouch….It’s all true. !
I think you just saved my marriage.
I haven’t had the chance to read all the comments yet….but I totally get it. It’s not all about the glass by the sink. It’s about a distinct attitude that the wife should just do it herself. After all, it takes a few seconds to put it in the dishwasher. What’s the big problem..? The general entitlement attitude and bad behaviour of men is obvious in so many ways. But the glas by the sink was the straw that broke the camels back. However…I only wish my second husbands fault was just being sloppy. Or leaving his underwear on the floor, or not cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Or once in awhile being late after a beer with the guys. Instead I had very different problems with this severely immature narcicist. Strip clubs, taking photos of women while at a function involving alcohol, and continually going away with guy friends to do whatever. I didn’t want to face it, after all he adored me and told me so every day and wanted to be with me ” almost” all the time. And always told me just how beautiful I was and how great my body was. Said all the right things. The trouble is I fell for the bull shit words but didn’t pay enough attention to his actions. So…..making your woman feel that she is the most important person in your world is key. A man can still hang out, have fun, and be a guy. At the end of the day, that woman needs to feel safe and loved. If she doesn’t….there will be hell to pay. The bad behaviour and attitude must be broken…..
Wonderful article and insight. Sorry for your loss. Sorry that you had to go through this to learn it.
Great, awesome, if more men and for that matter, women, the divorce rate would drop significantly!!!
Love it!
Pingback: Love this. Thanks, Matt. And it goes both ways. She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink – Jaye Street
Men. Just get with the program: Happy life = happy wife. Pick your battles and recognize that there are some you will NEVER win. Persist with trying to win those ones and you’re just antagonizing your wife. And you should fear an antagonized wife. Focus on doing a couple of useful things around the place well and make sure she sees you doing them. And don’t do the stuff that pisses her off – however trivial it seems to you. Result: Happy life (assuming you didn’t choose a crappy wife). It might not seem fair but it’s the way of things.
(I’m a man by the way.)
Chemical or surgical?
Bob, You actually read the article and you got it! If all men had some maturity, and thought like you, there would be far more successful and happy marriages because it works both ways. If a man treats his wife with respect and love, his wife will return the favor and treat her husband with love and respect. It is just basic psychology in all relationships … not just marriages. Also, It is amazing how many of the male responses indicate they haven’t got a clue what was being said, so they respond with immature and cynical statements… many derogatory to women. Sad!!.
Each person and each relationship is different. She decided his refusal to change was not bearable. Her prerogative. I don’t think she was worth clearing a cup anyways.
Truly.
If this really is the type of stuff she left you for, then you’re better without her.
Marriage is about mutual respect… which also means you swallow your pride and accept the other’s faults. If she couldn’t accept your leaving a glass by the sink, and chose to break her vows over it, then she did not respect you.
It’s one thing to be annoyed by something, it’s another to destroy a marriage.
It’s called consideration! My husband would never go to another woman’s house and walk across her freshly cleaned floors with wet or muddy feet. However, over and over he has done this to me, even when I have asked him over and over to please show some consideration for the efforts I put in to keep our house clean. When confronted his response is….’well I’ll clean it back up’! He misses the point! Respect and consideration are huge indicators of loving and caring! If he had just chopped and stacked the wood just how he likes it, I wouldn’t go out, unstack and throw the wood across the yard and then tell him not to worry, I’ll stack it back up! That would be as crazy as it sounds, but it is the same principle! Respect each other’s efforts and give consideration to what matters to them!
Your comment is a perfect example of why this article is horse shit.
“I’m sorry I walked across your floor. .. I’ll clean it up. ”
“It’s about MUHRESPECT thougggghhh!”
No. It isn’t. It never is.
I wonder if any females that are in marriages have ever made a mistake or have any habits that annoy the hell out of their partners. It is not always the male in the relationship who has these habits.
Proof positive than men and women and not really meant to be together under the same roof.
Mark
http://minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
I have. I admit it. I used to talk real loud and interior frequently. I believe it comes from being one of 5 children. It annoyed my husband. We talked about it, we fought about it and came to an agreement of sorts. I would contain myself whenever I realized I was doing it and in return he would give me a gentle reminder whenever it was subconscious. It took probably a year to fully wipe it out of my habits but I can say I am now reformed. Unfortunately he still does not pick up his things. I can see the writers meaning. Socks, cups, and orange peels are frequent offenders. I have threatened to leave him before for not picking up his things. You See The writer Is right. It’s not about the cup. It’s about what the cup means to me. I don’t want to nag him. I’m not his mother or maid. If he knows that it means something to me not to have to pick up after him why doesn’t he do it. Simple answer, because he doesn’t care that it means something to me. He doesn’t care.
If this is true, that he does not care, then there are bigger issues at play here. I get it. I know that at 45, and having been on my own for a few years, there is NO WAY that I could live with another person. Am I lonely? Yes. But I would rather be on my own than in a relationship that does not work. Been there. Never again. I hope that things work out.
Mark
http://minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
“She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.”
But if your method didn’t agree with hers, she wouldn’t talk with you, she just left you, mouth agape wondering what happened. And then, because you’re a moron, you write a post about how it’s all your fault. Or because you want other women to like you, you play out this wish fantasy on your blog. Sad really.
Real adults talk with each other, and find ways to work together, rather than demand the other is a mind reader.
If ‘putting the cup next to the sink for logical reasons’ isn’t a system your ex-wife shrew liked, she could have said ONE TIME (not every time, just one time): “Hey, it would make me happy if you changed your system to put the cup *in* the sink”. A loving husband would then adjust his system to make her happy. You’ve excluded the middle in this terrible essay trying appease the memory of your ex.
Congratulations for setting up husbands to be divorced by selfish women who will point to this essay telling them “oh, if he really loved you, he’d read your mind”.
Hint: ruining other relationships won’t fix your broken one. Grow up and treat others as adults and expect them to do the same to you.
To the moronic commenters saying “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE CUP”, you’re lying to yourselves. The cup is the example symptom of a whining woman demanding the man read her mind, and the man who is so deluded about adult relationships that he’s convinced himself that he should be able to read minds.
And of course this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
So if he wife says “hey it would make me happy if you changed your system” & the husband ignores the request & continues to leave the cup on the sink then he IS an ass & not worth her time, right? Because “a loving husband would adjust his system to make her happy”
And I am unclear – does Matt ever say in the article that his wife did or did not ask him to not leave the cup on the counter? Your comment implies she never even opened her mouth to make the request & instead expected him to read her mind. If I had to guess she asked – more than once – was ignored & then stopped asking for fear of being labeled a nag.
You are dooming more marriages than you save. You certainly have some good points about going above and beyond to try to make your partner happy and feel valued, but much of these posts is just sexist garbage railroading ALL men into a category of “shitty” husbands. I am sorry it took her leaving for YOU to realize you needed to try. One word for you: communication. Not mind reading or doing everything hoping that includes the one thing that might set here off. I will not claim that men and women are the same, but both sexes are on a continuum that overlaps. All men are not assholes that shirk responsibilities like childcare, housework, and emotional availability to their spouses. Some of us don’t stay up late watching football or playing video games not caring about our significant others feelings because we don’t understand them. Yet we still deal with these very problems. I have tried your mind reading technique for well over a decade with very limited success. All people are different. We all have different needs and expectations that are better communicated to each other in fair and honest ways rather than a guessing game set up to prove how much we love them by knowing exactly how we think. We are all products of our own upbringing and family structures. Hopefully, people can realize this before they get married and get to know and love their partner for who they are. We all have faults and are not perfect. I agree that efforts need to be made to change things and do everything in your power to show love and appreciation for our partners and to show their feelings are acknowledged and valued. News flash. Men have feelings have well apart from the sexual needs and blowjobs you seem to repeatedly bring up in your posts. It hurts me to recieve an article from my wife calling me a shitty husband and pigeonholing me into being someone who just doesn’t care because I don’t understand her feelings or maybe react and express myself differently than she does. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Nothing. And then to see there are 12 more “shitty husband” articles telling her how terrible I , we, all men, all husbands are and that if only we’d stop playing video games and start guessing what their needs and feelings are and it will be fine. Relationships are hard sometimes. Life is hard sometimes. I got to know my wife BEFORE I married her. I ACCEPTED her faults and loved her for who she is and not for who I wanted her to be or thought I could change her into. I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this “flawed” individual and committed to do everything in my power to work through any issues that may arise in our lives regardless of size or scope. I realized that all people change in different ways along this path of life and committed to always finding the trail we could both walk upon. We are very different people. I found we complimented each other well. I will stop rambling and just say that your situation was your situation. To imply that all or any men are exactly like you is a disservice to everyone. I learned far more from the comments following your blog posts than from what you wrote. That’s not to say we shouldn’t go above or beyond as you suggest, but rather to say of course you should do this. That’s what people who love each other do. That is COMMON SENSE to me. I bet you did that early on in your relationship or she wouldn’t have married you. It’s when we stop doing that that things start to fail. I have never stopped doing that. I have never stopped caring. You didn’t need to learn to read her mind or do menial tasks and housework without being told to save your marriage. You, and probably her needed to learn to communicate in meaningful, honest, and loving ways. Stop kicking yourself (and the rest of us shitty husbands) and pick yourself off the ground and move forward with your life using the lessons you learned. Obviously I don’t know it all or I wouldn’t be getting emailed blogs about being a “shitty husband”. I will never know it all. I accept that. I will keep trying as hard as I can to show her I love and appreciate her and care for her more than anything in the world and hope she can see that. I believe there are a lot more men like me out there than you think and that categorizing men as assholes in general does more harm than good. Good luck to you in the future Matt. I hope you find that special someone and that you continue to value them and your epiphanies long after the Cupid flies away and life becomes less exciting and more mundane. This is how marriages survive. I will commit to continuing to do the same.
This is exactly how I felt in my marriage. It’s not about the glass. It’s about all the little things that add up over time. I was married for almost 20 years and as people commented, marriage takes compromise. But you can’t compromise with just yourself. If you have a partner that isn’t interested in changing or working together then the resentment eventually builds. Then the day comes where a simple glass or plate left out, laundry on the floor, not helping with the kids becomes a really big deal. I felt so unnoticed, unappreciated and unimportant that I eventually gave up. Hard to keep trying to get a partner to want to be in a partnership with you. I completely respect if people don’t agree with the article but it’s not necessary to be cruel. Everyone has their own experiences, troubles and pain. Not our place to judge. Some of the biggest lessons I learned from getting divorced is that you never know someone else’s experiences, there’s two sides to every story and that I have absolutely no right to judge someone else’s choices when it comes to relationships. This article put into words what I felt for a long time and it was a really painful time.
In my own experience once he understood that it wasn’t about the dish, it’s about respect and appreciation, it stopped being a battle. We both work long hours and coming home and seeing all of the things that need to be done, and having to tell him what they are AGAIN, is exhausting. No one has ever died from a dirty dish on a counter and in the big picture it’s a small matter,I get that, but if no one ever did the dishes, they would never get done. Seeing things left for later made me feel like they were being left specifically for me, which was insulting and hurtful. Now that he understands that I know it isn’t the end of the world, and I understand he wasn’t meaning to leave things to me to take care of as if I were his mother, it really isn’t an issue. There will be dishes on the counter at times, but they aren’t sitting there for someone else to deal with, they are sitting there for any number of reasons, none of which are to be spiteful or to cause disharmony.
I would be happy if my husband’s dishes would just make it any where near the sink. It usually is in the livingroom or he piles them on the island. Which looks worse. Preferably I would want them in the dishwasher. So, to me you have to pick and choose your battles. My hubby does pitch in with housework and many many things. There had to have been other issues to leave over something that simple.
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Just leave his tools out to be ruined or fail to care for something that is important to him…..and this “partner” still can’t make the comparison of his actions.
Good read. If that “partner” can make that paradigm shift in thought process and act accordingly, the partnership might be salvage.
I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 21 years, with traits similar and worse that the example in the article. I could not understand that the intelligent person I was married to could not understand the toxic patterns of his behaviors, even though he could “council” others of this very thing.
Finally walked away and relish my freedom, every single moment!
This post is NOT posing the solution to your problem. It’s not a magic potion. It will NOT make your man do what you want. It will NOT make you do what your wife wants.
It’s a plea that if “the conversation isn’t working, then change the conversation!” It’s the first opening step in a new dance, which starts with a shift in perspective, that’s all it is. A lot more (mutual acceptance, self-awareness, good communication, faith and trust) is probably needed to finish the dance.
Sure, the title is controversial clickbait (and social marketing genius), and the gender labels isn’t exactly what a good marriage counsellor would do, I don’t think. I think the vehement arguing is, in my humble opinion, the author reaping what he sowed. Because people will react to the media sensualization as if it’s claiming to be the solution, rather than a new opening move.
I really like this article. The only thing I would add is that a woman won’t generally feel hurt by the abandoned glass until it becomes a regular occurrence even after she told him why it bothers her. It’s the disregard of her feelings and words that cause the problem.
Well said Kelly. If you don’t clean up after yourself or help with the daily chores you are essentially saying that your time is more valuable than your partner’s time. So while you go off to do something that makes you happy your partner is essentially left behind doing chores and feeling resentful.
Wonderful article! You are so right about how women can be over what are seemingly such small things. And it’s not just husbands, your own children do some of the same things, especially as they reach their teen years. How many times did I finally break down over such simple things, crying, yelling, the veins on my neck standing out and then I was called crazy?! I began to think it was how I communicated these annoyances that was the problem. It’s not about the dishes, laundry, child rearing, etc. That is all you need to know! And just for the record, I know wives who are the culprits, they don’t get it. Thankfully for me, my children have gone on into adulthood and my husband and I will celebrate our 38th year of marriage this year. It helps if you keep learning, have some patience, listen and heed what you hear. You are a wise man and if you don’t figure this out about the author after reading this article, I’m not sure there is much hope for you.
I’m a woman and I don’t think or act the way the author describes his ex-wife in this story. I often leave glasses next to the sink, in the sink, and in the bedroom myself actually. My husband and I take turns doing quick clean ups during the day, whenever this is needed. It’s all about being open minded and easy going as opposed to hyper-controlling it seems to me.
But what if your partner would literally never take his turn in cleaning up and it was ALWAYS you for years at a time? Then him leaving more crap out for you to clean up every single day would start to feel like an insult. It’s not being hypercontrolling to weant your partner to contribute to cleaning the house by cleaning up their own mess, not yours or the kids’, just their own. Not really too much to ask.
Thank you! Really! You get it!! Thank you!
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I just cannot believe how well this article expresses my situation. I have been married for 20+ years, and in mid-Dec. I asked my husband to move out. He is a good person (doesn’t drink, isn’t violent, is as faithful as a puppy and is incredibly romantic). But as others have commented, it is not about “the glass”. It is about years of not being acknowledged, of being continually ignored intellectually, emotionally, and in the “practical” area of sharing a life and home. As well, I have watched over time the effect this has had our two sons, now teenagers. Over the years my concerns and complaints about his egoism within our relationship have fallen on deaf ears. It doesn’t matter if I have complained in the form of a rational conversation, tearfully or even a screaming fit. He unilaterally modifies all and any plans (whether for us as a couple, his personal plans, or the stances we take as parents) to suit his needs. The reasoning is that he is the way he is: “creative”, “spontaneous” and “flexible”, and I that I am unable to appreciate or understand it. The result is that he appears fun loving and I only know how to toe the line.
I am moving on, and in the past month I have begun to experience a sense of calm that I forgot I could enjoy. The relief of not living with his chaos (physical or mental) has been more emotionally rewarding than I could have imagined and I don’t know why I didn’t make the move sooner. He says I don’t love him anymore. I say that love is not part of the equation here. It’s about emotional maturity and respect for the other, about the sharing and respect of time and space that one agrees to when starting a life with another individual. Without that, what does love matter?
You have summed up the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Nice.
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The difficulties of marriage where the smallest of things become the catalyst leading to the destruction of the greater good.
Let’s look at some bigger things.
How about a firstborn dying at six weeks of age from Hypoplastic Left Heart. Being married for about two years at the time with this emotional painful visitation of death when there should have been life. There were plenty of opportunities for blame that could have led to the ruination of our marriage. But for the grace of GOD we go on.
How about Breast Cancer that almost got away from us. A wife who painfully asked for me to abandon her for someone more healthy….. After so many years being married to Sherry, I have become hard wired to what makes her tick and what makes her tock. It was completely unthinkable for me to even entertain the abandonment idea for even a picosecond.
I just girded up my loins and commenced to drag her into and out of a years worth of treatments to get my wife back from deaths jaws. When she couldn’t pick herself up to go, I picked get up and we went. Folks, that is the meaning of agape love.
Now that love was reflected in my direction as well. I certain some of you know of my own health issues that in the last year have come near to doing me in. Wifey has seen fit to doing what she could to keep me around. I guess she must be hard wired to what makes me tick and what makes me tock.
Hmm I have to say, I don’t agree with this at all. Every situation and marriage is different. Even if you showed her “respect” by putting that glass away, she would have found another reason to divorce you. I did everything you said for my wife, I respected her, I took care of things around the house, I made her life a little easier everyday. In the end she still left me because she wasn’t “happy” no reason to why and no chance for me to make things better. So in the end I believe that some relationships are just not meant to work out, no matter what you do and you think you can do, some times it’s just not meant to be. Another thing is that I was to one to nag her about dishes but she never listened to me but I would never in a million years think of divorcing her for that.
When she asks you to put the dish away, let’s say you do, then what, she’ll ask you to do this and that and end the end she’ll probably still divorce you. What is she doing to make the relationship work? You say that men need to do all these things for the wife, what is the wife doing for the man? Fact of the matter is once she stops loving you, it’s game over. You can give her the world and wouldn’t matter.
Do you get that he’s talking about his personal situation with his particular wife? Which is not identical to your particular situation with your particular wife?
Women are human beings. I’d like to think this is obvious, but a lot of people seem to miss it. As human beings, we’re pretty highly variable, and of the women who were married and leave their husbands, they do so for an awful lot of reasons, some of which are more sympathetic than others, to put it mildly. Some women are damn near saints, some are self absorbed narcissists… and everything in between. Just like men. What worked or failed for you and your wife is a different situation. And while I’m happy to believe that what the author proposes wouldn’t have worked for you, there’s no reason to believe it wouldn’t have worked for him.
This isn’t a panacea. It’s just a personal epiphany the author shared that has struck a chord with a lot of people. It sounds like it’s doing some people a lot of good – but that doesn’t mean it would have done you any good, any more than cold medicine would have helped you with a broken arm.
It reminds me of some things in my marriage… but I don’t think it would have helped me. Being able to articulate what bothered me was never a problem. My husband agreed to many things, for that matter – he just didn’t keep those agreements. In the end, one person can’t make a marriage work.
Finally. ..someone understands. …thank you.
I disagree with your assessment. I think that the situation you’re describing is a symptom of something larger. Let’s be honest, to fight over the respect you get from putting a dish is fighting over scraps of respect. I would say that if you’re in a “glass by the dishwasher” situation, the solution isn’t putting the glass in the dishwasher, because then it will become a “folding the socks inside out” or a “leaving the toilet seat up” situation. The real issue is that there is no *display* of respect, in a way the wife can see and understand (assumedly the respect is actually there)
He: “I love and adore you. Marry me and I will spend my life giving you things.”
Me: “I love you, too, but I will not marry you nor will I live with you. We will never cohabit.”
He: “Why not? Nobody will ever love you like I do.”
Me: “I do not wish to spend my life arguing over every single thing in life.”
He: “Then teach me!”
Me: “I’ve spent the last two years trying to teach you. I no longer believe you mean you want to be taught, I now believe you really mean ‘convince me’ when you say that. I do not want to spend my life arguing with you.”
He: “Then you need to find a better way to teach me.”
Me: “No.”
He: “But I love you.”
Me: “No.”
He: “But I’ll give you everything.”
Me: “No.”
He: “Nobody will ever love you as much as me.”
Me: “No.”
I read this and was reminded of all the things my ex-wife would complain about like this before we went to marriage counseling (which failed) and then got divorced.
In retrospect, the dishes by the sink were absolutely “the real problem”; not that she (a physician) was sleeping with another doctor in her practice (who was also married) while he was treating for chronic Lyme disease, heavy metal toxicity and adrenal fatigue.(these problems didn’t really exist).
Btw: our child was also being treated by the same provider for non-existent problems.
Thank you so much for this insightful post and pointing out what really matters. Looking back, it really was the glass by the sink… That my mother-in-law left there.
First off anyone who believes she divorced over dishes is a fool. She got out and used that ridiculous excuse. Secondly, if by chance it was the factor,, she was completely syco. Be glad she’s gone and feel bad for the next guy.
No this is not why she left him, that was made clear in the first paragraph. That was HIS former excuse to say why she left but then he soul searched and decided not to play that game anymore. It is all there in the context.
OMG …. If you didn’t read the entire article, and didn’t understand the symbolism of the glass, then don’t reply at all.
… ok… the real problem… for all to read into … it was what one comment touched on… it’s not to do with the glass, it’s to do with “not being in love with him” … regardless of the reasons for not being in love … as one stated, it was the last thing that broke the camels back,… to think that it was “only one issue”… is wrong … it is a plethora of things that cause a woman to “fall out of love” … and he was too blind to see it… on his own… and she was expecting too much, … yes “too much”… all humans have a cause and effect reflection… cause: love and lust for one another… effect: do things to prove such, … now, after she chose to leave for lack of proof, she will ask herself “was it justifiable” … she will “in her mind” say yes… but then and “only then” … will she ask herself …how was it… then she may be stubborn to herself and say, he should have figured it out… wrong answer. Go back, and think again, … did you have a conversation with him and let him know and make him understand by means of communicating the way you used to? if not, then blame yourself for your choice. if you did, and he refused to understand the point … blame him, your decision was justified. For those of us men that can make a decision to based upon the contents of a conversation, communicating with the woman you love and respect, you shouldn’t have such problems, … unless you fell out of love with her … and most importantly. …! For both parties…, not giving your partner the opportunity to understand you or your requests… through communication will “cause” inevitably divorce or separation. Cause and effect… no communication = no relationship.
Oh my, totally what I have been going through.
I am not saying this is wrong or what ever but I have to ask why.
why are women “DEEPLY wounding his wife and making her feel sad, alone, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, afraid, etc. … ” by a drinking glass in the sink?
Connect those dots and you’ll be able to stop having confusing relationship problems.
Thank you for asking the right question.
I love this and will be sharing! Not only do I think it may help my husband understand me a little better, but it helps me understand him a little better. Most of the time he does a wonderful job of making me feel safe and respected but we do have the same fights too…
Thank you!
I think this was written by a woman. I think it is very well written and 100% spot on, and had to be written by a wife.
Nope. I wear boxers and everything. It just finally all made sense one day. I wish I’d been more thorough in places to address some of the challenges, all of which are based on false assumptions.
Thanks for reading.
If I explained the problem with the glass in the same way the author suggested, my husband would say, “that’s a bunch of bullshit. you’re crazy.” and dismiss everything I said as if it meant nothing. His ego is larger than the national debt, and he’s unwilling to admit any wrong on his part.
While I agree with much of your theory, I feel that it does not address one important factor: Many womens’ expectations rise to surpass the proclivity of their husbands. It’s never enough. One man’s “glass-in-sink” scenario is another man’s “work-overtime-get-kids-make-dinner-help-clean-do-dishes-but-forgot-to-pick-up-dry-cleaning” and both are treated as equal failures. The issues go deeper than house chores.
That reminds me of how my *mother* treats me. 🙁
I’ve told her, sometimes with tears in my eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset some of the things she does make me and how much it hurts.
Telling her something that doesn’t make sense to her once, or a million times, doesn’t make her “know” something, *or even bother to remember that I said it in the first place*. The next time it comes up, it’s as though she deliberately took the memory of the last time I poured my heart out to her and dumped it away from her head.
Right or wrong, she would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so Mom doesn’t think her daughter SHOULD hurt. It’s like, she doesn’t think I have the right to have an emotion until after she thinks it first. 🙁
I still love her because she’s my mom, but if I had a boyfriend who acted like that too I’d dump him for it immediately. Having to endure shit like that from Mom doesn’t make me want to invite even more of it into my life. 🙁
Great article
http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/us/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time
No what those actions say is that you expect a woman to do the housework while you go out and do important “guy” stuff. As if the outside work were more important than her. Men do great things, but so do women. And when we enter the workforce, we expect to be treated with respect, as we do in the household. When you leave dishes in the sink, you are saying, “oh she will just put them in” as if you have more important stuff to think about. I shows thoughtlessness. And it is such a simple thing. I am glad you learned your lesson.
Wow. You missed the entire point of the article and in doing so proved his point on this even more.
It might not have been the explicit “point” of the article, but Joanne took something more out of the article. She’s right though, because it speaks to how women are “supposed to” take care of the private life (home, children, etc), while men go out into the public to work and be the breadwinner. These historical gender roles are still prevalent and women are sick of it, since now we’re expected to get a job AND still take care of children and the home. After work, my dad comes home, dinner is made for him, he eats and watches sports, then goes to bed. My mom either works (part-time teacher) and cooks dinner, or books appointments, takes care of us kids (when we were younger), cleans the house, etc etc AND STILL has to cook dinner. Would it kill him to offer to make dinner one night? No, but that’d be one of the things that shows her that he appreciates her, more than saying “I love you” does.
In short, great, relevant, well-written article!
I am trying to figure out the “point” of this article…Is it that a man cannot be expected to remember that he should not expect his wife to wait on him and clean up after him or is it that a wfe is “unreasonable to expect that? Maybe he could use a paper cup and toss it in the garbage or maybe buy more cups so that he could put one in the dishwasher and not be worried about not having one for the next time he wants a drink….Or maybe they should both leave all of their dishes by the sink and just buy new ones whenever they run out…or reuse the dirty ones. Most parents try to teach their children to pick up their own garbage so why not the father/husband?
Or. Just maybe, Ann. It didn’t REALLY have much to do with dishes at all.
Preach.
So I have a quick question. Not saying I believe my partner is my maid but let’s say for example I ask her to pick up some smaller tasks around the house because I’m working doubles to make sure that that we can properly afford our life style. Let’s say in order to achieve the goals we have set that this is necessary…. Now she starts fighting about the dirty glass, or an extra thing around the house she had to pick up because my time has become increasingly limited. Should she be so blinded by this fight for mutual respect, love, and validation to see that it’s possible she puts both of our futures in jeopardy? Should one person work themselves down to the bone due to a rigorous work schedule and then come home to a battle becuase someone doesn’t feel validated? What if I came home after a long workday to someone who has been watching TV all day and has let something that was your responsibility but you asked them to pick up go undone because they felt they weren’t being respected for the extra tasks? If the tasks it takes to support the life style together are equal then I believe this works. Other than that a relationship is a dynamic environment that has to be adaptable on both sides. Maybe I’m bringing up a separate issue though, a relationship dynamic where two people are not adaptable enough to make things work was never meant to last and this goes for both sides.
Thank you!
No, you’re missing the point. This isn’t about you coming home after working hard and then doing *her* work of making dinner or doing the laundry. This is about YOU using a glass and not bothering to just put it in the dishwasher. Or you choosing to eat a candy bar and leaving the empty wrapper on the counter, a foot away from the garbage can. There’s no reason you can’t put it in the garbage can, but you choose to leave it on the counter, like you expect her to be a servant. Even if you decided, as a couple, that she will stay home and do the laundry, make meals, clean, etc., it’s not her duty to pick up your garbage. You chose to eat a candy bar and the garbage can is right there. But you leave it on the counter and that’s where the disrespect is. There’s literally no reason on earth you can’t throw away your own garbage. So it’s laziness and disrespect. When you do this repeatedly, treat her like a servant instead of your partner in marriage, you are telling her she’s not worthy of your respect. Throwing YOUR garbage away does not take any extraordinary work on your part. It’s your garbage. There garbage can is right there. Garbage goes in the garbage can. Throw it away. Don’t leave it on the counter. It’s not that hard.
There’s a difference between asking her to take care of some small things while you’re working a week of doubles and consistently expecting her to do things you should do for yourself. “Hey hon, since I’m working doubles can you put the garbage out this week?” is one thing. Leaving your candy bar wrapper on the counter, a foot away from the garbage can, is not ok, regardless of how many hours you’re working. See the difference?
I wish I could give India a “thumbs up”……. Why is this not a thing here???
My fault, Val. This blog theme has limited functionality. When I picked it, I didn’t know anyone would actually read it.
I think the real point of this article is to show how easily a mans ego can be bruised after he leaves an emotionally destructive relationship with his partner. Obviously this guy has had a large amount of anxiety and self doubt stem from this, while his wife seemed to be sure enough to treat him like shit and leave him dead. Why didn’t she just clearly state her intentions? Thats emotional fucking warfare. Now woman latch onto his words like a vulture feeding on carrion stating that this is what they want. Sorry if society has distorted your perception of logic and created a segment of humanity that acts purely based on emotion.
The overriding point is that we should do things to make our partners feel loved, appreciated and honored, and keeping score is counter productive to a happy and long marriage. So what if I’m busting my ass to keep us in our preferred lifestyle? If I have the chance to do stuff for her I take it. There isn’t really my things and her things to do in our life and relationship, they are all our things and as such how could I expect her to always do something that is equally my responsibility in a shared relationship. Now there are some things that she is better at then me and other things that I’m better at then her, but that never enters into it when we do things for each other and for the relationship. I’ve been married nearly 19 years and life in every way is infinitely better sharing it with with her as a part of it than it ever was in my single days. That’s too good to give up for any reason…
Oh Ken!!! Too bad you are already married, or I’d ask you to marry me!!! Finally!!! A guy who “gets it”!!!! <3
Women (and men that get walked over) need to put on their big girl (boy) pants on and think about equality and fairness for a moment – something feminists tout and men can just as well – in a relationship:
Caring about HIM = not freaking out about a “glass on the counter”.
Also, a “glass on the counter” DOES NOT MEAN HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. If you don’t get that you may have some growing up to do…..
Yes, It’s That Simple.
If your willing to settle for that. Ita not about maturity or having to grow up. Its about a woman knowing her worth and not settling for anything less than knowing she can count on her man to be there and love her in every way she wants and deserves. So if something as simple as a glass needing to be put away for me I want to know my man is willing to do the simple little things and capable of handling the rough things. Knowing your loved and treated like queen. Treat your man with the same respect and treat him like your king. That’s unconditional love.
OK, so long as a man can know his worth and not settle for anything less than knowing he can count on his woman to not nag him “about a glass on the counter” and love him in every way he wants and deserves. So if something as simple as not freaking out about “a glass needing to be put away” I want to know my woman is willing to get over the simple things that don’t matter and be an adult. Knowing your loved and treated like a king, etc…..that’s unconditional love.
This. Right. Here.
I know he mentioned above that men tend to rationalize the small things by looking at the grand scheme of things, while women often don’t see it that way… But I just can’t agree with that. EVERYONE (men and women both) are responsible for having enough self-awareness to realize when they are drawing conclusions that have no causal relationship. If someone doesn’t have the capability to reflect on a situation, express their concerns to their partner, and come to a solution or compromise…
>>They probably shouldn’t be with another human being 24/7/365 for the rest of their lives.<<
I agree with you. My husband and I don’t complain about petty stuff because it can eventually end a marriage. He’s the only one that is working right now and when he comes home, I have almost everything taken care of and what I don’t have finished, he helps me. I don’t complain about him leaving a dish in the sink or is clothes on the floor. Our MARRIAGE is an equal partnership.
All my life my parents have taught me that if I’m going to have something else to drink, rinse the glass out and set it beside the sink because there is no reason to dirty more dishes if you don’t have to.
But in all my husband doesn’t treat me like a slave and no he doesn’t expect me to get everything did, but I do what I can.
Men can’t expect women to take care of everything at home everyday with out having her some “me time” and women can’t expect a man to work hard everyday and then want to do stuff when he gets home. If he does help when he gets home, more than likely he realizes you had a bad day or something went wrong, or your just not in a good mood.
Marriage is 100/100 not 50/50. IF you give all you have into your marriage and your husband/wife gives all he or she has then the marriage will last.
This is a really good article.
Whilst I appreciate your intent and agree with much of what you are saying, you need to connect the dots a little further.
If you don’t put that glass in the dishwasher, or that plate, or the cutlery, or anything else you use (because, let’s be fair, there is always more than one glass), who do you think will have to do it in order to fill the dishwasher and run a load so it’s clean for next time? Or so that there is room on the counter to prepare the next meal? You are disrespecting her by creating a build up of more work that she will end up doing, not because you simply did meet her request or expectation. Given that women do a majority of household and child care related chores, regardless of if they are also working outside of the home, the last thing they need is to also have to clean up after you too. Especially when it is something you could’ve taken 4 seconds of your time to do.
Just more proof that most people should just be alone.
I agree 100% with this. Just look at all of the comments on this post and not many(any?) agree on what the issue even is. “he said, she said”
Mark
http://minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
Simple solution, use paper plates, bowls and plastic cups and utensils
Amen….someone with common practical sense to find a solutio.
It doesn’t matter what kind of utensils and plates you use if you leave them all over the counters and dinner table after you’re done eating.
I think this applies to both men and women. There are examples of things my husband asks for that I don’t always want to do or feel up to it but he has verbalized what he needs from me and I need to be serious about those things as much as I expect him to be. It’s not 50/50% it’s 100/100% and once you figure that out it saves a whole lot of heartache!
First, my husband doesn’t believe that a man wrote this article. Our discussion then devolved into why it should be ok to leave a drinking glass in the kitchen. He has no clue about what it means to respect me. He stormed off after telling me that I leave dirty dishes around the house “all the time”. Men are not psychic. They are psycho. :-p
I, literally, feel some guilt about all of the arguments this has set off for the VERY reason this post was written.
It’s one massively sad irony festival.
No Matt — You should feel no guilt! I think your article thrusts people into looking — really looking and understanding! — the dynamics of the relationship they have with their spouse/companion. It makes them seriously see if they are responsible for their part of the relationship. And there are bound to be some arguments and heated debates as their comfort zones (read complacency) get tweaked. Some people can see/understand what you’re getting at. And some cannot, and will not.
Your article is amazingly insightful. Thank you!
Thank you for that. I was having a phone conversation with a friend who echoed that very sentiment.
I think this article is awesome!!! Those who read it and still are closed minded to consider their partners feelings, deserve what they get. I hope if they do find themselves alone; that this article rings in their head and maybe THEN they will learn something. You rock Matt!
How much manual labor does your husband do on a daily basis that requires more physical exertion? I am sure a lot but you females want to complain about a dish in the sink. We do not have to see it your way because you are women and just because this article was written doesn’t mean your side is true. We men get tired we look at it like really? I have been shoveling this 3 feet of snow while you stayed inside a warm house but you complain about dishes? Well then get your a** outside and shovel the snow, trim hedges, chop down trees, mow the grass change the brakes etc! On top of that, we have full time jobs as week, gtfoh!
None. He works full time but so do I plus a second job that is very time consuming. I do shovel snow, I trim hedges I do yard work I mow grass I fix things around the house. I clean. I do dishes. The cars get worked on a mechanic shop not by anyone in this house. You are making a mean comment that implies all men are very hard workers & all women are not & just sit around & nag & complain. Sorry for whatever your personal experiences have been but what you are saying is just not accurate about “all men” or “all women”
Erik – are you shoveling snow EVERY day? Do you mow the grass EVERY day? Apparently you must have a forest in your yard and you should probably get those brakes looked at if they require attention EVERY DAY!!! I’m not saying that all that stuff isn’t important but you don’t have to deal with it every single day! I suppose you do all the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry and other household chores too. Don’t complain about doing the “man jobs” until you’ve walked a few weeks in her shoes. I’d trade my husband places in a heartbeat if I only had to do the “man jobs”
You may be valid in YOUR situation, but not everyone lives with a “real man” that makes them feel “taken care of” or even available to assist when needed. But I also see the other side, where the woman expects her needs to be taken care of and doesn’t feel the need to reciprocate.
I live with a person that does NOTHING to help around the house; no matter if he is working or not. Even when I was the only one employed, he did nothing without be TOLD to do it, and sometimes being nagged and/or threatened before he would lift a finger. Before an injury from a fall that resulted in permanent damage, I shoveled the driveway while he sat playing video games! He doesn’t drive so he felt that he wasn’t obligated to shovel since it was MY car, and not his! Since my surgery, I still have to nag to get help and he seems to think he is exempt from most chores.
But regardless of what I say to him about how I feel about his lack of consideration and sharing the chores; it’s a huge matter of disrespect that he thumbs his nose at my most simple request. I’ve had this conversation with him many times that he needs to be my partner, and not an adult child that I am forced to take care of. I had even made him move out for two years; taking him back after he convinced me that he had learned his lesson. He had just told me what I wanted to hear, and not learned a thing.
So if this is the case for anyone, they would probably feel relieved to be divorced from such a person! Sadly, my man will NEVER “get it”. He will never truly be anything but a boy; not a man. If he ever does read this article, he will see it just as you have; another plot to convince men that women have a valid argument for their “petty” complaints. But if you DO value your wife, and you find that these kinds of “petty issues” are coming up; and if it’s truly not a big deal; then why not JUST DO IT to show your wife that how she feels isn’t a trivial matter to you?!
What is more important to you? Being RIGHT; or keeping your wife happy and your marriage in tact?
Do you get that this is a situation that has nothing to do with the lives of a great many women? To the extent that it seems kind of laughable, almost as if you’re writing from an episode of “Leave it to Beaver” or something? (I’m not saying this isn’t true for you, or the people you hang out with. Subcultures are different. But clearly I’m not the only person who’s going “Who is this guy?!”)
The last time I lived with a man who did a disproportionate amount of the outdoor work, it was my father. And, um, look, I’m not going into details, but he’s not someone I’d recommend y’all emulate, ‘kay?
My husband? Well, as I did all the housework and yard work, I think I can do a really good comparison of how much work was involved in each! And that was with a chunk of land, as opposed to your city lot. (Also, I almost killed him before he started paying for a housekeeper out of his personal account. We were both working full time – which was the important thing. As it happens, we were also living in a house I had bought, and I was the primary bread winner as well. I mean, mind you, we were both overpaid software professionals, so the differences were not as great as they might have been for other people.)
My recent male housemate? Is actually the only person I’ve lived with as an adult who has similar neatness standards. He was very good about being responsible for his own messes. But I did do the majority of the outdoor labor. And took care of the car maintenance. (And generally a bit more of the indoor labor, though some of that had to do with differing ideas about what needed to be done, and I’m fine with it – I actually enjoy keeping the place up, I just don’t like feeling like I’m being taken advantage of.)
I’m hearing from a lot of men who seem to think that they’re slaving away at the office all day to support the little women (news flash, most women do work these days), or that their work is more important because they do it with their big muscles… but seriously, in a lot of relationships, women do hard physical labor as well. If you’ve found someone to play traditional gender role games with, hey, far be it from me, everyone has their fetish, but you can’t expect that the whole world runs that way.
Is this written by a woman, pretending to write as a man? I think so.
Good grief. Hi. I’m Matt. I have a penis.
I don’t want guys who want to stay married to get divorced. Divorce is hard. It’s bad for kids.
This is how I try to help. Sorry it doesn’t make sense to you. But it will make your life better if you exert a little effort into figuring it out.
Good luck.
Hahaha….that’s a funny thought.
Very good article think all relationships can benefit with good help.
This article is excellent. You absolutely hit it right on the mark! Thank you for having the mind and heart to work toward this understanding and the wisdom and courage to share it with others.
Nothing but a woman’s B kisser
How about people just pick up after themselves. It is all about respect. If you want to live lie you are in a frat house, don’t get married to anyone but a fellow slob
This is for all of you clueless women! How much manual labor does your husband do on a daily basis that requires more physical exertion that brings about tiredness and sleepiness? I am sure a lot but you females want to complain about dishes in the sink. We do not have to see it your way because you are women and just because this article was written doesn’t mean your side is true. We men get tired, we look at it like really? I have been shoveling this 3 feet of snow while you stayed inside a warm house but you complain about dishes? Well then get your a** outside and shovel the snow, trim hedges, chop down trees, mow the grass change the brakes, etc! On top of that, we have full time jobs as well. You want some respect well respect us and all that we do that requires more time and energy that you do not have to do thanks to us MEN!
Wow, you sound like such a winner. And I’d say it’s safe to assume you’re single…and will be for a loooooong time if that’s your logic. You’re looking for a slave..not a woman. So ignorant.
Nope, I’m sure not single, I am married with three kids.
If washing a little bit of dishes is slavery man those slaves sure have it good!
Your whole comment is way off and wrong lol. I work my a off for my wife and kids and she appreciates it. There is something to do everyday in my house whether is washing clothes, cleaning the bathroom etc.. I do those things as well. SO I DO THE STEREOTYPICAL MAN JOBS AND WOMEN JOBS BUT GUESS WHAT, MANY OF YOU WOMEN DON’T DO WHAT WE DO I just don’t do man jobs. ALL of you in retaliation to me need to shut up because what you don’t seem to understand is THIS MAN HELPS WITH EVERYTHING. MANY OF YOU WOMEN DON’T MOW GRASS etc. YOU LEAVE IT FOR YOUR HUSBAND TO DO OR BF AND YOU KNOW IT! My point is, when I do have to do those things that require a lot of energy while my wife is sitting in the house, I don’t need her complaining about dishes being in the sink during this same time.
Your ignorant for the simple fact that you would complain about dishes while your man is working like a horse outside, that is my point.
Actually, my husband works behind a desk, in a bank. In contrast, I’m the go-to woman for a wide array of things, ranging from helping the kids get dressed over fixing technological equipment to putting together furniture. Not to mention all the menial household tasks such as cleaning and doing the dishes. Also gardening is one of my responsibilities… And all the while, I look after three kids, breastfeed one full time, potty train the other and make sure yet another does his homework on time. And if at all I find any time to work on my novel, I do it. Also, up until our third was born, I also worked full time. While doing all of the above.
So yes. If my husband leaves a glass somewhere he shouldn’t, it spells disrespect. But he knows better now, ever since he took over just looking after the kids for a month and suffered a burn-out the following month. A good way for seeing things in a different light is switching tasks for a while. I am certain that working as an advisor for a bank is intellectually challenging (as is writing fiction, because contrary to what people might think, words don’t simply flow on paper – or writing prompt – and arrange themselves in an esthetically pleasing order… But hey, that’s not the point here) and dealing with customers in the context of banking is fatiguing. So I respect the fact that my husband needs to wind down after a day’s work. But I do demand equal respect for the work I put in.
Erik I responded to your first comment & now I see you’re repeating your rant so I will say it again. You’re making hateful statements about all of these women who sit around in warm houses & complain about dishes in the sink while their manly men work their asses off outside – I will say it again (as several other women have pointed out) – not every woman has a man who’s outside busting his ass. Many times the women are the only ones doing all the work around the house AND shoveling snow (on top of working regular jobs) while the men sit around & do next to nothing. In those examples, YES, I feel like she’s allowed to bitch about a man who can’t even bother to pick up after himself & put a damn glass in the dishwasher.
Women think that they’re so “in tune” with emotions and relationships, but thats just their narciscism talking. In reality, they’re so self absorbed analyzing the world inside thtir head they forget that other people have their own lives and emotions. The author of this is clearly the wife, and she’s so self-righteous she even thought she could pose as the man and accurately portray what he was thinking and feeling. She just projected her opinions onto his perspective, and thinks that will convince her perceived enemy (men) to empathize and change their ways. So why was the wife unable to overlook and learn to love his flaws the way he learned to appreciate her? What about all the sacrifices he’s made for her? What about all the accomplishments he’s worked for to impress and support her? What about all the time he spent daydreaming about her and figuring to grow closer with her? With things like the dishes, leaving them by the sink is a force of habit. He’s been doing it for 30+ years, by now its muscle memory. It’s an involuntary action, he isn’t making a conscious decision to piss you off. Have you ever been super tired and starting driving to work instead of the store or wherever you meant to go simply because you were driving down familiar roads, so you started to follow the route you take every day just purely out of force of habit? Same concept with the dishes.
I was in tears as I read your post – it perfectly describes my relationship (or lack of) with my husband. I’ve been married for 39 years and learned fairly early on that my husband was resentful of anything he perceive as “telling him what to do” and would stubbornly not do it. Like putting his glass in the dishwasher. We have been in and out of counseling over the years with no success. I finally got to the point where I had to decide whether to leave him or stay and just accept the situation as it is. I chose the latter, but now am constantly second guessing myself. It’s an incredibly lonely life. There is something that resembles love that connects us – or maybe it’s just the shear number of years we’ve been together – but we are no longer (if we ever really were) partners in any sense of the word. His lack of any sort of respect of me and what was important to me lead to a complete breakdown in our physical relationship years ago. I no longer have any trust in him to be able to care for me in any way other than material needs. Our marriage is a total emotional, spiritual and physical vacuum.
Men, this young man know’s what he’s talking about!! Please, please, please listen to him!! Even if you don’t agree with him. Especially if you don’t agree with him. I guarantee, as long as she’s not a head case herself, your wife/partner will respond ten fold to your new found consideration of her and in your respecting her (what you might perceive as minor, nit picky) needs.
Thank you.
This is an excellent article and this comment comes from a wife who recently celebrated a 39th anniversary. It’s all about respecting each other.
One of the best articles I have ever read.
Wow. I would never notice a glass by the sink. It could rot there and I might notice when a tree begins to grow out of it or something. There is so much more interesting going on in life to distract me from the stupid glass.
But then, I am divorced. Maybe because I am a lousy housekeeper. lol
Good stuff! 🙂
That voice that says, “Son of a bitch I have to do that bullshit thing for my wife again” is not an entirely invalid voice and it’s important not to attempt to replace it by bullying it over with “oh wait I need to be grateful (or else)” You give your power away when you are not operating from your own internal sense of inspiration. So when magnetics invariably cause push pull dynamics in a situation you can rely on your own innocence.. with plausible deniability you can begin unravelling their strange notions that worldly conditions could ever change your love for them. In truest sense, Love never asks for anything.
As the wife in this exact scenario, I can confirm that this article is 100% accurate. What blindsided me is that I sensed something was wrong, but couldn’t name it for many, many years. We evolved from him not noticing what needed to be done, to him doing what he was told to do, to me tiring of being the house manager (not a partner) and just deciding to do everything myself. This lead to years of building resentment. Ultimately, when you feel single in a marriage long enough, you decide that you might as well be single, and that is how you divorce over a glass by the sink.
I HAVE my spouse’s acknowledgment, respect, validation, and love. And he has mine. We both do the very best we can as we run an average of three loads a day through the dishwasher and four through the washer and dryer. We always have dishes in our sink and a huge basket of laundry to do! This couple should come be in charge of my family of seven (four with disabilities) for a while!
ask yourself this- if you went to your buddy’s house and he told you “dont leave the empty cans on the counter- throw them in the bin”- inches away. You would do it. And he wouldn’t have to nag you every time, just the once.. So i call BS on the whole IDK it bothered you. You knew. You didnt care and THAT is why she left you.
The problem with that analogy is its not a guest in his wife’s house. It’s his house too. They are partners and it is THEIR house. While you should certainly do what one another request to please one another if you truly care about them, if this situation were reversed would you be criticizing her for simply not doing whatever the husband wanted? There is a fuzzy line between asking a partner to keep your wishes in mind and telling them they must do something the way you want it or else they’re going to hate you for it.
I disagree that this is not a good analogy. It’s exactly the point! If you wouldn’t treat your friend or even your family like this; why do you think that it’s acceptable to treat a partner this way? You are supposed to LOVE them and want them to be happy, right? It should definitely go both ways too! Otherwise why even stay together?
I have a man that doesn’t do a THING to help out and can’t make it to the trash next to him to throw a wrapper away. This is not something he would ever do at a friend’s or even his mother’s house, yet he thinks he is exempt from helping at home, though I’m often the only one employed and also the only one who does chores. I feel that his lack of picking up after himself is not only forcing me to act as his “mommy”; but it’s saying that he has no respect for me, where he DOES have respect for everyone else. You think I will play “mommy” the rest of my life? Not likely…
I appreciate this. Women don’t care about petty things… an argument with a woman is ALWAYS about something deeper.
It means to me that it works both ways! The woman and the man should always feel like its a blessing to get the opportunity to show each other love, respect even With the small things that may not seem important to us but is very important to the other. AND WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, IT IS THE SMALLEST THINGS THAT COUNT!
I so agree! Those little things like making him breakfast in bed; running a bath with candles and a glass of wine for him after work or shoveling the drive; etc. are things I LIKE to do for my guy, even though I worked full time too!
But to put up with him thinking it’s my job to pick up after him, do all the cooking and cleaning, with not even an assist with dishes after (no dishwasher); screams “unappreciative little boy” to me. How hard is it to do small things to show you care? How disrespectful to leave things you could easily do for yourself, to your partner who might have had just as hard of a day, or even worse than you have had? All those little things I ENJOYED DOING for my man, will be gone for good if this is how he treats me!
Respect and appreciation is a VERY sexy thing!! Someone already commented, the most sexy thing to hear from your partner is, “I’ve got this!”
This is a familiar theme these days. Total narcissism in the American culture… Unable to communicate on the most basic level, we fight over inconsequential details of our mundane existence. Unable to function in a deteriorating society, we take the frustration out on the person closest to us. Desperate for love and connection, we drive away those who we need the most. We build trainwrecks out of dirty glasses. Get fucking real.
Being married is about a lot more than living together, but if you’ve ever had a roommate, you’ve probably had a fight about dishes in the sink, or paying the utility bill, or keeping the house clean. These things are important, and different people have different preferences. I don’t enjoy picking up my things in the living room, or remembering to put dishes in the dishwasher when I’d rather leave them by the sink in case I use them later, but I put them away because it’s important to the people I live with, and it makes the house cleaner. I can always get out another glass. The important part is respecting other people’s preferences and doing things you don’t want to do sometimes, because it makes living together much easier. It’s about getting along as people, and it’s a life lesson, not just for romance.
Yes! Yes! Yes!!
I have had my share of roommates that didn’t pull their share of chores or paid their share of the expenses. I actually had one that threw out my flatware because they were too lazy to bring them into the kitchen to be washed. I would have PREFERRED they leave them in the sink! I guess I was lucky they brought their trash out, except that I might have been able to see they were throwing out my utensils and fished them out of the trash.
I went onto replacement.com to purchase more forks as I was down to two vs. twelve I started with; only to find that each dinner fork in my pattern was $20.00/EACH!!! I was short ten of them!!! This doesn’t include the spoons that were missing as well. Needless to say, that I don’t have matching forks OR that roommate any longer!!!
So true. My ex couldn’t understand the clothes BY the hamper was a respect issue NOT a clothes issue.
Amen to that. Try living in my shoes, picking up dirty clothes on the floor EVERY SINGLE DAY, when there are hampers on every floor of the house. That’s not just a problem about dirty clothes on the floor anymore.
If she is upset over dishes in the sink and can not talk reasonably to you about it, it is over. In my former marriage I responded to my wife over issues like dishes by doing extra things around the house. Near the end of our marriage I did the dishes,cooked, cleaned,read to the kids at night, gardened, did the laundry, vacuumed, washed the floor, made the kids lunches, took out the garbage, bought the groceries. I also worked two jobs to support the family. When my mother asked my wife what she did she said “go Shopping”. She wanted everything and would give nothing back. Respect needs to go both ways.
Seems a lot of people missed the point of things happening in relationships that men do not see the importance of, as much as a women. Yes, most men work very hard, however most men act as if when they are done working for money, they are done for the day. Most women do not have that pleasure in life. We work for a paycheck & take care of our homes. Most women are born care takers…of our children & our husband. We do it because we WANT to, we WANT everyone around us to be happy. This isn’t just about a GLASS BY THE SINK. It’s totally about men understanding what I just said above & realizing that just maybe, their wives need the same care & consideration that they give daily.
And to the guy shoveling 3ft of snow while SHE stays in the warmth??? Chances are she’s in the warmth doing laundry, cleaning something or preparing a meal for you and if not doing something for you, she’s probably playing, teaching or disciplining your children.
I’m a woman, my household dynamic is slightly different than most. I work full time, go to school full time and my husband stays home and cares for our children. You men saying that you shouldn’t have to do these little things because you work all day are ridiculous. Me taking care of my family financially does not make any one of them my birch. Least of all my husband. If I cook food, I clean up after myself. When I come home we tackle the house together. On laundry days we fold clothes and put them away together. On my days off I sneak the baby out of the room in the morning and let him sleep in and relax. I would never come home and make extra work for him just because I am tired or had a long day or think that it “doesn’t matter”. Me picking up after myself and our children when I am home acknowledges the fact that this home is HIS work place. It reminds him that I appreciate him and all he does for us. He would never come to my job and go behind me making messes that I have to clean up, so why would I do it to him? We have a wonderful marriage, full of love, respect laughter and physical attraction. And as long as we validate each other’s feeling the way we do. It will remain that way. Let’s talk again in 10 years, we’ll see who’s attitude works out better in the long term.
Too bad most of the people who “get it” seem to be women, and the men think it’s a big plot against them to justify being a lazy wife.
I’d love to see where some of these men will be in ten years! Unfortunately, the women that don’t leave, will likely stay because of esteem issues…
REALLY…people are without, water, food, shelter,etc… some no arms or legs, riddled with disease, trying to survive theatres of war….get over your pedantic, pathetic selves.
Everyone read this 10 times, please. Because it’s true.
Gratitude and perspective can change everything. Instantly.
Truth. One Love Matt.
This is so bizarre to me. Why is this automatically assumed to be a ‘man’s’ issue? I am female, and it’s the complete opposite with me and my husband. I’m the ‘messy’ one, and it can leave my husband with similar feelings that the wife was feeling, even though that has never been my intention, I am just too busy with work most days – he usually understands. He would never make a big deal ab dishes by the sink though, that’s where they are supposed to go when they are dirty! When both of you work full time jobs I think it’s a bit unreasonable to assume everything will be spotless at all times – that border’s on obsessiveness/neurosis more than on reason. You should avoid catering to someone’s neuroses, discuss them openly rather than giving in to clear lack of reason. Even if the writer did what was expected of him, it would have still likely led to resentment and a possible divorce.
If a glass by the sink can produce the feeling of not being treated with respect, then maybe it’s time to do some self-inquiry. Why do you need the feeling of being respected so much? Why do you even think that a glass on the kitchen counter has something to do with respect? What does that say about your self-esteem? Really? All it needs to make you feel lousy is a glass by the sink?
I know we hate feelings like fear, helplessness, disrespect, failure, being rejected. We’d rather avoid these feelings (and ask husbands to not provoke these feelings) instead of facing the real question: Why do I feel that way?
Your husband’s job is not to make you happy. Your happiness is your own business. Happiness and respect it’s not created by arguing over dirty dishes. If you don’t feel respected than maybe you should start by respecting yourself and your feelings.
BRAVO!!!!
While I agree we are all responsible for our own feelings, don’t we have a right to ask others to contribute to our joy by NOT triggering our known triggers? When there is mutual love and respect it should be a pleasure to be able to give the gift of joy and pleasure. When there is hate, contempt and resentment, the relationship becomes a battlefield where it is more desirable to set off hurtful bombs, refusing to contribute to another’s joy… Because they don’t deserve it. They didn’t earn enough points. They can’t summon the emotional energy to care. It’s not up to another to decide whether your triggers are valid or not.
Well said “unpackagedlife”!!
I totally agree with your battlefield description. But I don’t think that I have the right to ask another person to change for me or my happiness. Where would that leave me? “I only can be happy if you ….! And if you don’t than I will in return ….!” That is exactly where the hate, contempt and resentment comes from. A joyful relationship is full of joy because both partners are happy with themselves. And they elevate each other to greater things because they love their partner to succeed in whatever they are doing. They don’t wonder who’s turn it is to bring out the garbage. They just do it. I think a loving partner does not tiptoe around triggers. A loving partner helps to get over them and make your life a better one.
As a female I learned a lot from this article, and no I did not just learn that I am in the right by expecting my partner to put his dishes in the dishwasher. I also learned that when he asks me to do something for him, I should do it to show him how I love and respect his needs just as when I ask him to do something for me, he will because he loves and respects my needs.
This article is not saying “You should put your dishes in the sink as well as work and earn all the money and help with housework because your wife should not have to lift her finger for you” it is saying “Your wife probably already does a lot for you and you should make sure youre doing a lot for her too”. If you feel like you are giving constantly in a relationship while never receiving anything but anger, then maybe you should have a nice civil conversation and say “Hey I feel like I do a lot for you but when I ask for your help you never do anything for me” and then respect her feelings and help her to see and respect yours. You shouldnt expect your wife to do all the housework just because you go out and have a job, many wives either have a job too, or they cook all your meals, do your laundry, sweep your floors, and care for your children. Without your wife you would either be doing these things yourself, or you would be paying someone else to do them, hence it is a JOB as well.
This is not a man trying to be on the good side of women by saying this, you could easily swap the pronouns and have this be written for the opposite gender. Just respect eachother and be adults and have normal adult conversations about your needs in a relationship? Stop feeling so entitled and start working to make your partner as happy as possible, and they will in turn do the same for you.
i wish we could ‘like’ comments here.
Me too. My fault.
There will always be the “outliar” stories to prove a point. I have to admit I completely understand the point being made but didn’t before. I now understand the glass theory, both ways and why the “glass” is so infuriating. You should apply the “glass” to whatever item that is the tip of the iceberg in your life. Love it.
I relate to this completely. Thank you for trying to explain this “respect” issue–it’s not about the dish by the sink! Some people will never “get it” but maybe one reader (male or female) will.
Great article!
I believe 100% that it goes both ways. Men and women have their own specific requirements for feeling respected.
I guess my only issue is the expectation of knowing what these specifics are without having a reasonable grown up discussion. Expecpectations MUST be verbalized, without accusations or comparing what ether person does work wise. If a man/woman can’t verbalize their wants/needs in a respectful way, they are just as much to blame when they don’t happen. If you start off with complaining about the time or stress or physical work a task takes, then it is actually YOU who are making it about the task and not love or respect.
wonderful post!!!!!
“When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.”
No shit….. Both partners should feel fine putting the fucking glass away. It’s about perspective. Ok, have the conversation about what could be done, but don’t make it a focal point. Accept strengths and weaknesses. Focus on the good things about your partner. If she wants to focus on a fucking glass and choose to be upset about that instead of focusing on the good then adios. Every person you know is going to have some annoying habits. Get over it!!!!!
This article is dead on! Im sorry that you couldn’t save your marriage in time, but I hope that this helps others save theirs. This is exactly what it means to us as women! You hit every nail on the head. I hope it helps you in your next relationship.
This reminds me of the time when I did the hoovering but didn’t put the hoover back in exactly the usual position and my girlfriend /partner stubbed her toe on it so it was my fault she stubbed her toe! When I said, quite naturally ‘did you look where you were going? ‘ that didn’t go down well at all. Because of this post, now I understand why! Thanks.
A friend helped me stumble upon this article and I really enjoyed it. Reading it knowing it was coming from a man that went through marriage and came out divorced, and that this is where you stand is really helpful for men like me that are still married. I have to agree on a lot of your points and this stuff happens all the time. I’m constantly confused about why small stuff affects her so much but remembering that it’s probably something deeper helps me to see past ‘the glass on on the counter’.
I am interested in one of your points. You mention you will never ever care about the glass being put away, but at the end of the post you talk about how when people get married they are now believing that someone else matters more and they should love and serve them and take pleasure in enhancing their life. To me this second belief is going to be a change in thought as I think most people care more about themselves (like you and the glass) and we have to change our belief and habits to serve our spouses and think of them before ourselves. Now if this is what you mean then I would say that either 1) you would eventually care about that glass as you grow your character to be more selfless and caring about what your spouse cares about or 2) you know you are stubborn and are also committed to not change anything.
I know you’re divorced now but I’m interested to know if you had stayed or with a future relationship how this will work for you. I would think that if you could change your mind on a overall level to take pleasure in serving your spouse then you would start caring about ‘the glass’. Would you change?
May I also mention that I am so sick of the phrase “Happy wife, happy life”. I mean, what is that really saying??
Mark
http://minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
I don’t think you and I see eye to eye on this stuff, but I do agree with that.
Men placating wives as some sort of life hack to avoid being hassled is total nonsense.
This has never been about being subservient to spousal demands, though a lot of people are accusing me of that.
Step 1 – Marry someone worthy of unconditional love in respect.
Step 2 – Provide unconditional love and behave respectfully.
Step 3 – Enjoy wife being happy.
This is how you achieve “happy wife, happy life” status while expecting and receiving mutual respect and not compromising personal values.
I am just curious about the fact that we never seem to hear the opposite phrase. Maybe because it doesn’t rhyme 🙂 I am 45 and have been single for a while now. FOR ME it is better. A lot of my friends who are my age(male AND FEMALE) are in marriages where there is no mutual respect. I don’t know if that can happen. Thanks a lot for commenting back.
These are good conversations. Just to reiterate my position:
I am not a “get married” advocate. People should do whatever. None of my business. But I am a major “stay married” advocate.
And I do believe these ideas can help people to that end.
I don’t like that saying either and I’m a female. How about, “To keep your love, put them above.” Then it can go both ways as it should be. Also, I don’t think you have to be married to show respect for your partner.
My experience, from a husband and a live-in partner, has been that if I voice my objection to something only to have it ignored, forgotten, or not taken seriously; then I feel disrespected and used. If this continues, and my words fall on deaf ears, eventually I’m gone. Period.
I enjoyed this article. I am sorry that it was too late to finally see what was going on. Let me let you in on a little secret……Women dont always KNOW why little things like that bother them. I know I didnt.
Sometimes all I see is another dish to do, or another piece of clothing to pick up, and its irritating. I have 5 children to pick up after, cant hubby do his share?? But wait. If I dig deeper I realize that the dish/mess/whatever isnt bothering me, its that I asked for recognition/respect/HELP and arent getting it. Dont I matter? Is my request unheard? If he loved me he would do this, this and this for me. Right?!
So lets put this in perspective: my hubby is military. My hubby is always working/gone/studying/sleeping or trying his hardest to relax (due to his line of work).
I am not the center of his world. Staying alive is.
My husband shows me his love differently than I expect it (I had to learn this the hard way in the midst of a fight…). I also learned about the Five Love Languages (totally encouraging everyone to read this because we all love differently!)
Once hubby and I got to talking, I got to digging into my heart while talking and realized that I felt unheard and unappreciated. Finally, I was able to voice this and the look on his face softened and he finally understood why it was upsetting me. (Now dont get me wrong, he didnt do an about-face and become the perfect husband, but we can work on this now.)
So just remember, we cant explain something to someone unless we understand it ourselves. And women dont always know WHY it upsets them.
And that is my $.02, you can keep the change.
(*I hope this helps a bit.*)
I kinda think the person who wrote this missed the point himself. You tried to make to make it something bigger than it was to begin with. you tried to make it, Oh I see now why she divorced me. Instead of saying, Oh my gosh if I leave the glass on the sink maybe perhaps I leave other things that just never quite get done cause I expect my wife to finish things I do since she is the “Wife.” It is not so hard to figure out that maybe she just got tired of picking up after you cause you are an adult and should do these things for yourself. and if you have kids then you are teaching them also, mom, is just suppose to take care of us. You are an adult pick up after yourself bud!!!
I literally never comment on these kinds of things but cannot help myself on this one — how is it that this many people have take the time to read your [very well written] post, but are unable to understand the emotional implications?! How do this many people think this post was actually about dishes, or any other physical actions being taken in a relationship — or gender roles in a relationship — etc. It’s pretty scary to see how many people do not understand what it is you are saying. Thank you for such a wonderful point of view and encouraging reminder that there is no “I” in “We”.
This is the first time something I’ve written has gotten this level of attention.
It’s strange and uncomfortable.
I already knew the “Manosphere” guys are going to lambast this, though 100-percent of them do it under a faulty premise.
I already knew a lot of regular married guys would hem and haw at it because I was one of them not too many years ago.
But I had NO EARTHY IDEA that thousands of people could read this (I suspect they only read a VERY small amount and jumped to off-base conclusions) and misinterpret it so horribly.
I know the headline, out of context, is misleading. But, still. One of those lose-a-little-faith-in-humanity moments.
At any rate, your comment is VERY appreciated under such conditions. Thank you for going out of your way to send this note.
You wouldn’t have gotten so much response, positive or otherwise, if you hadn’t hit a nerve. I thoroughly enjoyed your article and think you should be prepared for a following if you continue in this vein. I’m sorry that you find this attention uncomfortable but hopefully in the future, you will realize that many more that don’t comment, appreciate the point of view you have shared. Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you, Val. Kind words. I appreciate them.
Don’t forget the “Nerd Pride” people too.
Seems like there’s a whole generation of people who were taught “be yourself, don’t care what other people think!!!” by parents, teachers, authors of fiction for teens, etc. trying to protect them from getting in trouble following peer pressure.
Some of these people (both male *and* female!) are still taking that advice *literally*. >:(
http://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/ has an example of a normal person being in a relationship with someone who proudly rejects people skills.
I’d also like to add that relational patterns and personality flaws that existed before the wedding tend to continue–and magnify in their aggravating qualities–when the honeymoon is over. The casually irresponsible spouse who leaves clothes on the floor, glasses on the countertop, shoes wherever they drop, the yard only half raked, a gas tank on E, the pots and pans unwashed after loading the dishwasher, etc., was always like that; it may just not have been obvious before tying the knot. The spouse who cutely suggested her capriciousness was just quirky enthusiasm might, in fact, have a mental health issue, like ADD or some other compromise of executive function. Someone with attachment issues prefers being “chased” but can’t stand the idea of “getting caught,” so remains tantalizingly out of reach, both emotionally and physically. Someone who needs to manage his anxiety by “controlling” what happens and when in a relationship will keep moving the goal posts, so that you never feel as though you’re meeting his expectations. It isn’t always about “respecting” your spouse’s dignity; it could be about being put in a position of perpetually re-enacting a deeply flawed courtship ritual or compensating for an unidentified and/or unmanaged mental/emotional health issue. But two relatively healthy partners should be able to communicate their needs–as well as they understand them–and have those needs recognized by their partner (and counseling can really help with this). That doesn’t mean that each person’s every preference deserves to be met (let’s face it, relationships are all about compromise and sacrifice), but it does allow for mutually respectful problem-solving. As a personal example: My wife used to leave half-drunk glasses of water EVERYWHERE (have you seen the movie “SIGNS”?), and when she got thirsty, she’d get another glass out of the cabinet, because she couldn’t be sure which glass was hers. Solution: Putting a color-coded rubber band around the glass. I’m responsible for my glass; she’s responsible for hers; and there are fewer glasses to wash and improved stewardship of our resources. Working together, many problems can be surmounted.
Yes, you should have been more aware of her feelings, how your ignoring her desires made her feel, but she allowed those things to make her feel that way too. It could have just been a cup. http://heavennotharvard.com/2016/01/24/divorce-him-for-the-dishes-by-the-sink/
Aren’t these just the lamentations of someone whose wife left him and he regrets it? It sounds to me like they were a mismatched couple and the wife was just looking to find a reason to leave him more than anything else.
There are literally thousands of other things going on in a relationship/marriage on a daily basis…hate to be the one to break it to you but the glass isn’t some symbolic metaphor of a bigger thing. Maybe your sex life was bad or she was no longer attracted to you or hit the wall with watching your insecurities or telling the same joke over and over throughout the years. And I’m using those as basic examples of why marriages end.
But honestly, you sound a bit like a cuckold…like your wife left you and now you’re prattling on and on about how it WAS your fault in hindsight and you WERE in the wrong.
I don’t think she’s coming back so it’s fair enough to say that sometimes marriages just end because the people are simply not suited for one another.
These comments are a perfect example of how crazy people can be. The chances of finding a sane one that you can trust who won’t get up and leave you for another person or just get sick of you are slim to none. And even if they stick around, it might make you a more miserable person.
Certainly a glass by the sink has never caused a woman to leave a man. And even your perceived notions of what that glass represents isn’t a real reason for someone to end a marriage. You sound like you’re tying yourself into knots in order to justify your wife’s leaving you whenever she (more than likely) just didn’t love you anymore.
If she did, she would’ve sat down with you and explained all the things you’re trying to rationalize here rather than just getting up and divorcing you. Does that not sound like a way more logic response than spend an entire day trying to justify why she left you?
No, Mark. It’s an educated, thoughtful look into super-common dysfunctional marriage dynamics and providing some thoughts on how they might be improved for those interested in staying married.
I’m not trying to insult you, but you just don’t understand what you’ve just (partially?) read.
This is for men who want to stay married and are frequently confused about why their wives are upset about things that don’t seem like a big deal.
THE GLASS IS A METAPHOR.
I understand you on this Matt. Marriage is a work in progress and takes lots of work. Yes, maybe she would have left you regardless…but your point is well taken that women do need their men or partners to meet them half way. So it goes vice versa. Maybe if you got to the point of discussing it, the conversation could have gone like this; “I know this glass doesn’t mean a whole lot to me and never will but if it means that much to you, I will try my best to remember to put it in the dishwasher.” No one is perfect man nor woman, but it’s the sense of committment to work at it and recognize that the couple is in it together for the long haul.
I am married almost 25 years and understand this very well.
I am constantly working on our marriage as I know my husband is and it’s not perfect and I’m sure we could have left each other long ago. The one thing that has kept us together is the willingness to compromise.
Lots of luck to you and thank you for your honest post.
Maryanne
Thank you. Finally someone that understands what this is about. It’s not about women being expected to do the house work and men being the bread winner in today’s society, or about men disrespecting woman, no she didn’t leave him because of the cup, it’s not about her being unreasonable…..hes making the point that to maintain a relationship u need to do
little things for your partner and understanding what’s important to them even if it does not make sense to you.
The glass is a bad metaphor. It makes it sound like marriages end–and should end–over petty differences.
By virtue of the glass being a metaphor, you’re supposed to conclude that the differences being discussed aren’t petty.
Once husbands and wives get on the same page because he “gets” why the glass thing upsets her, then there ISN’T ever going to be any stupid fights over petty things.
This really isn’t very complicated.
TL;DR It’s not about a dirty glass, it’s about lack of communication in a relationship. Like 80% of all bad relationships.
“This is for men who want to stay married and are frequently confused about why their wives are upset about things that don’t seem like a big deal.”
A lady here (about to get married). Let me put this straight: women CAN BE and ARE logical. Treating a lady like “I don’t understand you but I will do it, just so you stay with me” is about the most insulting thing a guy can do to a woman. I’m a woman, I’m logical, I’m an engineer, I’m a professional problem solver. I live and breathe logic. SO PLEASE, don’t just put all women (or all wives) into an “a dirty glass is a big deal for her” bag. Your wife most likely had her reasons as well. Maybe she simply felt she was doing far more than 50% of all housework and was growing resentment for you not pulling your weight in the team, and those dishes in the sink were just a manifestation of it? Have you even talked about it, instead of trivializing it to “I don’t know why it was such a big deal for her”.
When we (my partner and I) hit an obstacle in our relationship, we use logical arguments and communicate our points of view in a respectful and supportive manner. We accept each other’s points of views. Nothing we do is about just pleasing that crazy insane monster in the other person that can be triggered off by a trivial thing. Sure, each of us has moments of being grumpy (mostly me, when I’m hungry and tired), but we know how to apologize for that immature, illogical behavior & mostly try to control it (like if I know I’m getting moody, I’ll warn my partner, shut up and go get food). Arguments over trivial things are NOT acceptable in a relationship. If they happen, you dig into the root issue together and solve the underlying problem each time. If they happen a lot, it means your relationship lacks communication skills. Those can be relatively easily learned and everyone should take the time to learn communication skills BEFORE they enter a relationship. Would save people divorces and bad experiences.
Read it again, Mark. You missed the point entirely.
It’s never about the glass. It is about respect. The glass (or the toilet seat, or any other thing you think is inconsequential) is always about respect. Feeling respected, loved and safe will keep a quality woman at your side during the hard times.
That’s a two way street. Do I get to impose my trivial items on you on pain of divorce, too? If my glasses on the counter indicate a lack of respect that is divorce-worthy, surely the ice cube trays that you never, ever fill mean you don’t give a shit about me a a person either.
Honestly, do you even want to be that person?
you nailed it, scottidog! and i’ve also found that feeling respected, loved, safe, and needed will keep a quality man at your side during the hard times. hubby and i have been together for 23 years and have been through good, bad, and seriously ugly times, but we’ve come through all of it loving each other immensely. i can honestly say that i hope the same for every couple… it just takes work.
From my experience it’s about communication. And respect is shown via communication. Keeping respect for someone is hard work, because they sometimes may (and will) fail and disappoint us. And the child in us will want to be grumpy, mad about it and grow resentment (which will eventually lead to losing respect – just like 5-year-olds are not sure if they still love their parents after not getting what they want).
Mature people know how to forgive little things, and know how to be firm (but loving) about the big things, and can explain the big things clearly and in a logical manner, and can be supportive about it.
It’s death by a thousand cuts. It wasn’t just leaving dishes by the sink it was all the times he showed he didn’t care by ignoring the little things she wanted. Whether it be dishes by the sink or never being the one going shopping. It could be anything. We all have our own quirks. The question is do you care enough about her to accommodate hers? I can guarantee she’d rather let the kids eat in your new truck but knows how you feel about it so doesn’t.
Mark, your attitude may leave you divorced at some point. This man in hind sight has gained some insight. It will help him make his next relationship successful.
Mark is right by the way.
Guys like the author don’t understand women. Women respect, and are attracted to, strength. lf a woman left you it’s because she doesn’t respect you. A guy that women find “hot” is a guy that has a backbone and puts anyone, male or female, in their place when they step out of line. Instead of concerning yourself about how you could’ve served her better, understand that these b!tches ain’t sh!t, especially these fat entitled American ones. You should’ve known to walk away from her, but she got the drop on you. She gave you all kinds of sh!t tests and you failed them miserably, otherwise she would NOT have left you.
To keep a woman, you have to be willing to get rid of the woman. Women are here to serve men. They WANT to serve us. They won’t serve little boys, though, nor the weak or cowardly. Stop writing about this broad forever. The sooner you off that b!tch from your mind and focus 100% on you, the sooner that b!tch will regret leaving you. I don’t give sh!t about your situation, BUT, I was fortunate to be told some of these things by men that were more advanced than me and I believe in passing the good word along when I can see a man that is in need of some truth. Remember, these women don’t love you. Only you love you. When a woman knows you love yourself and don’t need her, she’ll see you as the prize that you actually turned into by living that mindset.
I’m gonna keep an eye on this portion of the thread, because I have a feeling shi’ts about to go down…
And your outlook on women in general sir, is sad to say, will most likely leave you with never having a deep and meaningful relationship with anyone. If you are with a woman the only reason she would happily “serve” ANY man is because of how he treats her. You treat her like crap then that’s what you’re gonna get. Try having an actual relationship with a woman that acts EXACTLY like the man does that you describe and you will be the one getting dumped all the time cuz she wont have time to put up with any of your games. it will be her way or the highway and she wont take it any other way. sorry, and good luck with that high school thought process of women and relationships.
Divorce is there for people like you, if you ever make it that far. Men and women in a marriage WANT to take care of each other. The author hit the nail right on the head and was spot on in regards to respect and appreciation. In the days before my time, when marriages were arranged, they respected one another, appreciated time and effort in caring for the farm and the family, and eventually learned how to love one another. They say you don’t “owe” your partner anything, but I have made the choice to owe my husband my honesty, respect, and appreciation for more reasons than I have room to note. However, he as earned/gained my love and admiration for how he treats me. Sure, he’s not as thoughtful as I would like him to be, or as spotlessly clean as I am, nor does he have the same views about how to do things. That’s what makes it interesting, and we learn how to be a good team because of it. I do little things for my husband all the time because I love him and want him to feel that I appreciate how hard he works- not for something in return. Wanting him to acknowledge that is to reaffirm his love for me. We are not perfect, but we are happily married. (NO WOMAN IS A SERVANT, AND THE QUICKER U REALIZE THAT AND START TREATING THE RIGHT ONE AS THE QUEEN THAT SHE IS (AFTER ALL, YOU ARE THE KING OF YOUR CASTLE, RIGHT?), THE BETTER YOUR LIFE WILL BE. NOBODY IN THIS WORLD OWES YOU A DAMN THING- ENTITLISTS MAKE ME SICK)
I believe sir you have issues. No woman was put on this earth to serve a man. Calling American women fat and entitled, you must have been dissed by one. My husband treats me with respect and live and I treat him the same way. I’d he felt that he could treat me like crap and I would stay, he knows where the door is. Women deserve respect and love . Women who are respected and loved will do more for their man.
I honestly think that ending a marriage over a empty cup in the sink is ridiculous at best. Even if there is a underlying meaning behind it. The problem is people don’t take their vows very serious and are ready to throw in the towel instead of rebuild. Her feelings were probably hurt that you couldn’t do that very trivial thing for her, but to me it sounds like stubbornness on both parts, your inability to sacrifice 4 seconds to make her happy, and her inability to sacrifice 4 seconds to just put a stupid glass in a dishwasher. How strong can a marriage be to end it over something so trivial let’s be honest.
Fact of the matter is most people go into a marriage now days with all these condition. I’ll love you as long as your doing what I want, I’ll love you as long as you don’t hurt my feelings, I’ll love you as long as your making me happy. It’s not about for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. When you TRULY love someone it’s about doing whatever you can to make that person happy even if your exhausted or sick. If both partners are doing that than both are happy. To often one is sacrifice and the other is not. Love is selfless “not selfish”. Maybe he should of seen the significance in a empty glass, but maybe she should of articulated her feelings and then a senseless divorce could have been avoided. It would have been avoided for sure though if they both loved one another enough to put their own selfishness, stubbornness, and entitlement aside and work on the underlined problem. I for one do not believe the marriage ended over a “EMPTY GLASS” but because neither were selfless and committed enough to make it work.
Good article. Everybody has a love language. Read the book “The five love languages” by Gary Smalley. Not everybody cares about the glass by the sink but some do. To those who do, the glass is everything and is a symbol of disrespect. The respect of each other is the key.
Or maybe the wife should just grow up because it’s just a glass.
This article is nonsense; acting like it’s one person’s responsibility to bend over trivial things rather than the other way around.
This guy was better off without such an immature wife.
The point completely flew over your head
What is so hard about reading a single page simply and eloquently put article? I am losing hope for our education system.
Try this scenario, your significant other continuously leaves empty cans of soda/pop around the house, the you are continuously picking them up and throwing them away. You sit down and kindly asks your significant other to start throwing them away they says ok but the next day you still have to pick up those empty cans, you shrug it off because it’s only been one time after you brought it up. You bring it up again and again they say ok but nothing changes, everyday when you get home after a stressful day of work or a long day of cleaning the home you still have pick up their empty cans sitting on the table, the counter, a bookshelf. Put yourself in that scenario, you ask you partner multiple times to throw away the multiple cans of soda they drink on their day off or they get off of work only to have to do it yourself when you get home or on your day off.
Wow you sound so angry. What would I have done in that situation? Instead of giving an angry command to clean up after oneself, ask for a reason of such behavior. Then make a plan to change it – put a reminder in a calendar, send a friendly reminder text message – anything. Help that person change their habits (it’s not so trivial to break a bad habit, if it was, there would be no overweight people around!).
If they deliberately choose to not cooperate with you and ignore you out of disrespect (and you know it because they told you so, not because you assumed so), THEN it’s time to talk about love, respect and the future of the relationship, and time for ultimatums.
But I feel like a lot of people just take a shortcut and choose to be angry and assume the worst (that their partner disrespects them), throw an ultimatum and divorce, without really being patient and putting some effort into it.
And ultimately.. I’m personally all about living together before getting married. I can’t imagine getting married to someone I barely know, and then discovering AFTER THE FACT that they’re a super messy person and never clean up.
On the other hand, if you get married to someone messy and expect them to change after the marriage – you’re setting yourself up for failure with unrealistic expectations.
Thank you for validating the crazy feelings some women have. As i write, my husband is watching the game with his cereal bowl (with milk left) on the ground by his feet. My 3 year old has already almost spilled it twice. I could just grab it on my way to the kitchen, but it drives me crazy. Once or twice, no. Every single time? Yes. It makes me feel like our home not having rotten milk on the floor isn’t as important to him as it is to me, which therefore means he doesnt care about what’s important to me. Does he help around the house? Yes. Does he help with the kids? Yes. Does he help provide for our family? Yes. Will he clean up after himself? Rarely. Can i say anything? No. Because then i hear about ALL he DOES do, or he will angrily do the dishes or something else to be overly helpful, and then it makes me feel bad. It’s a no win situation. If only he understood.
It’s not the ceral bowl, and it’s not the glass or the dirty clothes in the middle of the floor or any other single little thing. It’s the apparent assumption on the part of the miscreant, male or female, that the other person will pick up after them and that is their duty in the partnership. That is “all” they are there for … at least that is the perceived message. And if a spouse says that out loud, splitting up would be an obvious solution. AND it doesn’t matter how often it’s explained, some people just don’t get it.
This article i highly one sided. I completey understand and agree that you should respect your partner but that goes both ways. Judging by your own words, your husband seems to do a lot for you and your family. I understand its painful for you to see that cereal bowl on the floor, but did you ever think that maybe its painful for him to put it away?
Its a two way street in any relationship. Quit trying to change people. Accept them and love them for who they are and grow with them.
Yes it is one-sided. I wrote it for husbands, and husbands, only.
Because when you worry about yourself and get 1% better every day, and not blame other people for your life problems, a bunch of kick-ass things can happen.
Good luck.
Your perspective may be what could come across as one sided, but any human in any relationship, friends, room-mates, wives, children, parents, neighbors, can take very valuable lessons from your story to improve theirs, if they are willing, ready and able to look in the mirror and take that step forward. You have done a great service to the readers and yourself and I know you will find success in your relations going forward. One of the things we say on the reservation at spiritual gatherings like the amen ( I agree) in Christianity is ” All my Relations”. Our relations to all things living or not is the basis of our life from birth. We are here to learn from each other and you have a gift that you shared that I am grateful for. You have taught those who chose to hear. Keep doing what you do. 😀
This was really nice. Thank you. I promise to keep trying.
Really? “Painful” for him to put the cereal bowl away? Is he a poor helpless baby? I’m guessing not, since he is so very capable in so many other ways. Just pick up after yourself whether you’re the husband or the wife. It’s really pretty simple.
I wish people would stop using the phrase a man “helping” with the house, or “helping” with the kids. It assumes it’s the wife’s job and the husband just “helps.” It’s his house and his kids too. I want to tell the man, quit “helping” already and be a grownup.
IT is her job when he’s off workign and bringing in the income.
It is her job. IF she’s not out there working and bringing the income it, then she needs to be taking care of the home while he’s out there working whatever hours are necessary to bring in the needed income.
I tried to explain this concept to my husband and he refused to understand it, now he’s someone else’s responsibility.
Bingo! You got it!
How about a compromise: Just ignore the stupid bowl. But make him wipe the floor if he (or your child) spills it. He’ll be more careful not to spill, and you won’t have to worry about rotten milk stains.
Honestly, you sound very demanding (and I’m a lady too, a soon to be wife). It may be that you two are simply incompatible. Have you lived together before getting married to see if you were compatible at all, or did you get married blindly believing everything would be just fine?
If that’s who he was when offering your vows, then please accept him the way he is, or at least do your part to reach a compromise.
I think this is spot-on. Just so you know.