A Post About Nothing and Everything

Comments 9

I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen. Another one of those I-don’t-know-what-to-write moments.

“What happens if you just took a pass on writing a post for today?” a friend asked.

“I took a pass on writing a post on Wednesday,” I said.

Maybe it’s time to cut back to two days a week. Or maybe something awful needs to happen because I tend to do my best writing when I feel.

It’s not that I don’t feel. Life is just more typical of the human experience I remember having prior to all the shitty things that happened once I turned 30.

Maybe that’s something, though. Sometimes people hurting after divorce want someone to tell them how long it’s going to hurt. That’s what I wanted to know the most back then. When will I be ME again? Ever?

I kind of wanted to die for the first six months, didn’t care whether I died the following six, but noticed improvement. I don’t remember the 18-month mark which means it wasn’t that significant, and I must have felt better.

As we sit today, I am two years and more than four months away from the separation date—the worst day of my life. And I’m totally fine. Things about my life are shittier than when I was married. But some things are better. It’s how you feel when you wake up in the morning that really matters.

The “problems” I wake up thinking about today are a spoonful of sugar compared to the fuckness of divorce. I’m down nearly 20 pounds. I feel pretty good. I’m actively engaged in various business pursuits as I attempt to improve my financial standing.

It’s a very nice change. To not feel wretched all the time.

I’m not saying two years from now, you won’t hurt anymore. Everyone deals with these things differently in their own way and at their own pace. But I think MOST people are MOSTLY the same on the inside. I think you can mark your calendars for the two-year mark as a nice “I’ll totally feel better then!” benchmark. But don’t forget to be grateful each step of the way when you notice the pain fading.

It’s a slow process.

But you notice yourself breathing more easily, smiling more, living more fully, with each passing day.

As I sit here not knowing what to write, I choose gratitude for those things.

Things on my Mind

That’s usually what I try to write about. Whatever’s top of mind.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my career.

No one gives a shit. I’m not going to write about that.

I was interested in, and entertained by, last night’s GOP presidential debate even though I tend to feel mostly disgust for Washington politics (toward both major parties) and am usually politically engaged only during election cycles.

Political conversation is too divisive. Debate and defending myself exhausts me. And I’ve never (not even once) seen someone change their mind while discussing issues with someone with whom they disagreed. I don’t want to write about it.

To that end, I’ve been reflecting on relationships between people from different backgrounds or faiths or political philosophies, and whether it’s sensible for those people to try to make a relationship work.

Not unlike my general belief that couples too far apart in age are often making a poor choice in terms of sustainability, I have strong feelings about other aspects of a couple’s personality makeup as well.

I once spelled out exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship partner. It has been read just 162 times because it’s one of my oldest posts.

I went back and read it to see whether I feel differently today.

I don’t.

I’m not going to write about that because I already have.

So what am I going to write about?




I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter.

But I do know it’s good to be back. To recognize myself again. To feel back.

And maybe that’s what this is really about. You tell me.


9 thoughts on “A Post About Nothing and Everything”

  1. Ahhhh Brilliant Matt! I must say I was a bit worried when I didn’t see you in my “box” Wednesday but am glad it was you not me. I love being 20
    Years ahead of you on this roller coaster spinning in the Universe…. I totally get what you say about “what do I say”…. Some days it comes
    down to ” I know everything and I know nothing ” it’s that simple …..aaand I am learning it’s those spaces in between where the stories are!
    There’s your zen moment for the day!
    Love your stuff always . Have a great weekend .

  2. repost…rewrite it if your writing style has evolved enough to warrant such a thing…and then repost the relevant things you’ve already written about. Easy-peasy lemon breezy. Oh, and it gets the words you want read, up to the eyes of new readers.

  3. There is something strangely satisfying about feeling normal but I’ve learned that normal can also feel complacent or predictable. Two sides of the same coin. I think, maybe it has something to do with my outlook for the future vs my looking back. “Hey! I feel pretty pretty normal today” and the next day, “IS THIS ALL THERE IS?! IS THIS HOW IT WILL BE FOREVER?! I’M BORED!” Lol….I think both are progress so….(shrug)… Missed you. <3

  4. Aha!
    Two years- A year after my dad died I was still sort of reeling from the loss. And a very Zen friend said it takes two years to mourn. Which seemed bizarrely un-Zen to be that specific, but there you go. I think she was right.
    Years apart- My sister-in-law is caring for her husband, approximately 25 years her senior, as he recovers from triple bypass surgery. It is the saddest most beautiful thing. Strangely, love appears to sometimes have no age.
    Debate- Donald Trump?! What the what? Someone likened preparing for a debate with him to a NASCAR driver preparing for a race where there may or may not be a drunk driver on the course. Excellent.
    20 lbs.- you go! How cool are you? I need that for about 5 lbs. right about now. Zoiks.
    Random posts- Always worth it. You never know what’ll turn up. So thank you. G’night.

  5. When you say you are feeling ‘normal’ now, is that the same ‘normal’ as when you were married, or is it different. I find I have a different ‘normal’ and yet I am feeling comfortable with that and in fact – if truth were known – maybe even more comfortable than when I was married. You are doing well. Keep up the great normality transformation 🙂

  6. Matt,
    You keep “keepin’ it real” and that is the most important thing.
    I was unsuccessfully married five (5) times…no shit. One of them died and left me with a death wish of my own.
    Number six turned out to be magic…it was worth it.
    It seemed like the shitstorm would never end, but when it did, I was ready for it.
    Your time will come, but probably not until you stop wondering when it will, and just get about living your life without thinking about it…being consumed in your own self without need.
    I read your posts regularly because I believe you will prevail…but hey, I’m in no hurry…I’d hate to think you stopped writing just because your life turned out OK after all.
    In the meantime…stay strong, my friend.
    Chazz Vincent

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Matt Fray

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