There was a noise at the kitchen window.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
A sound like that could mean only one of two things: Either every woman in the neighborhood was standing outside holding turned-on vibrators against the glass, or an enormous insect was buzzing around the window.
A quick investigation revealed zero sex toys and one very large fly. It wasn’t scary-mutant big like I was having a bad Honey, I Shrunk the Kids acid trip. More like the difference between Robert Wadlow and a regular person.
Normal fly = regular person.
This fly = Robert Wadlow.
“Good God. Check out this fly. It’s the size of my head,” I said.
My friend, the homeowner, walked over to confirm I was exaggerating. Then he disappeared for a second and reappeared with a freaky-looking tennis racket which turned out to be a rad hand-held bug zapper designed to improve the fly-swatting process. It was my first time seeing one.
“Dude. That’s awesome,” I said.
He was about to show me how it worked. Unlike a fly swatter, the rate of impact isn’t a factor. When insects contact the inner coils, they are promptly met with 3,000 volts of I told you not to fly by the potato salad, sucka.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
The giant fly hit the coils. SNAP! There was a loud pop like the sound of a Snap Dragon hitting the ground. And Mothra fell to the floor.
It laid still on its back, apparently dead.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
The fly was still alive! Because the Lord of the Flies laughs at 3,000 volts.
SNAP!
My friend hit him again. Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!
The fly was obviously dead this time, but we were awestruck by its resilience.
It was really quiet otherwise I never would have heard what happened next.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
“You can’t kill me, fuckers!!!” the fly said* before flying away again.**
The fly landed on my friend’s counter. He put the zapper racket on top of the fly. As soon as it tried to fly away… Bam. 3,000 volts.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
SNAP!
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
SNAP!
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
SNAP!
Three times that tough sonofabitch flew into the death racket before finally succumbing to eternal(?) sleep.
“It’s gotta be dead now, right?” my friend said.
“No way. That’s the Jesus Fly and I think he’s got another run left in him,” I said.
My friend’s wife walked in the room and looked at us like we were holding turned-on vibrators against the kitchen window.
“What are you guys? 10?” she said.
Instead of accepting her fair question silently, I tried defending our behavior.
“Hold on. Check out this fly. It’s died, like, 14 times already and it keeps coming back to life. It’s immortal. The Jesus Fly. A miracle. You’re not impressed?”
She wasn’t.
My friend spoke up.
“If it comes back to life again, we have to let it go, right? Since it was such a worthy adversary?”
“Absolutely,” I said. “If he’s dead I think we should have a ceremonial burial for him in the back yard.”
“Yeah, I think he’s gone-zo this time,” he said.
“Impossible!” I joked. “That fly is totally immortal.”
He went to dispose of the fallen beast.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
“Holy shit!!! He’s still alive!!!” we yelled. We were giddy because we’re children.
The giant fly rose like a phoenix. It had taken 3,000 volts on the chin a half-dozen times. The music from the spaceship liftoff at the end of E.T. started playing out of nowhere* as he rose majestically to the ceiling and flew out of reach.** Just before flying above the accent-lit kitchen cabinets, it turned around and flipped us off* but we weren’t even mad because it was the Jesus Fly.**
And it must still be alive somewhere because all evidence points to the irrefutable fact that this fly is unkillable and will never die.
He’s still alive, probably partying with some other cool, but inferior flies. Being the grand champion of every fly that has ever lived.
Never forgotten. Forever revered.
Keep on keepin’ on, Jesus Fly.
The end.
…
*- I made that up.
**- but not that.
KInd of frightening isn’t it?
Lesie
No, Leslie. My ghost was frightening. This certified miracle validates Ponce De Leon’s search for the Fountain of Youth.
your ability to work some sexual reference into any and every post is magnificent. and i need one of those zappers because the 12 apostles are trying to take over my kingdom.
My capacity for immaturity surprises even me.
Which begs the question, how can any mere mortal survive Naked and Afraid (“reality” TV show with two naked people, a machete and a pan (or fire starter) in the jungle for 21 bug-tastic days.) Because if you can’t bug a bug with technology, then you are literally bug meat swinging an oversized machete.
Well played, Matt. Well played.
I watched a couple episodes of that over the weekend! This one borderline psychotic (and totally mean) lady ate the largest grasshopper I have ever seen. The abdomen was literally the size of a hot dog. No thanks! I’ll just sit over here and gnaw on these twigs.
LOL! Very funny. You crack me up.
Sadly, I am often also like that unimpressed wife. I should glorify in the kill, pour praise over the great hunter, but instead I usually gaze rather scornfully at all the bodies laying about. I mean come on, the cat brings me better gifts 😉
SOMEONE has to be the adult. It’s probably a good thing.
OMG I am still laughing about this!
There were only three made-up facts in the entire post. The primary fact (I discovered a giant immortal fly) is absolutely true.
Thank you for checking it out!
Does this rad hand held bug zapper work on adults?
How many volts does it take to – well, not kill someone.
But maybe teach them manners? I was thinking of asking my Ex to join me in a game of tennis tomorrow…
There’s really only one way to find out.
Mothra *snort*
Pretty big fly. For real.
This post leaves me terribly conflicted. I’m thoroughly amused, but simultaneously repulsed. I guess that’s the sign of good writing. Either that, or a kick-ass fly.
BB
Throughout history, miracle-working immortals have been controversial! It stands to reason this fly would yield a similar reaction.
Thanks for reading, BB. Always awesome to hear from you.
Too funny! That happened to me once, the most gigantic butterfly ever flew into my bedroom. I think it was my reincarnated mom. My ex forced her outside. No wonder we divorced.
Yeah. Shooing the mother-in-law away in any form seems like a bad strategy for marriage.
Haha, I had a mouse like that once. Wouldn’t die via mousetrap, drowning, etc. I said the same thing you did. If it lives after the 4th time I’ve killed it, I’ll let it go…
If you’ve ever seen The Green Mile, there’s a scene where Dale has a bad experience on the electric chair.
If Dale had gotten up after all that and showed few side effects, you’d have the equivalent of the Jesus Fly surviving this episode.
And he did it with flair.
Bravo, Jesus Fly.
I needed a good giggle this morning, thanks.
It was EASILY the most-impressive insect feat I’ve ever witnessed. Extraordinary fortitude on display.
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