The Most [Neurotic] Blogger

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A fellow writer has nominated me along with nine others for “Most Influential Blogger.”

I don’t fully understand it. But it’s flattering just the same. And I appreciate it, despite it not being particularly truthful.

I don’t know how one measures influence.

I suppose that’s for each of us to decide on our own.

And I don’t know that I consider anything I’ve written here to be particularly influential. If anything has passed that sniff test, I hope people have considered it positively influential, because I couldn’t stand myself if the opposite were true.

Influential? Nah.

But this is an opportunity. An opportunity to figure out what I think I am. What I think this place is after four and a half months of punching these keys. Here are a few possibilities:

The Worst-Dater-Ever Blogger

This is unquestionably my championship belt to wear. I am the undisputed king of being horrible at dating.

I gave one girl at a bar my number once (and she actually called!), but it turned out she lives in North Carolina and now I’ll probably never see her again.

I tried online dating but everyone hated me except for a couple platonic friends I made and a few women I hope I never see again.

The Biggest-Whiner Blogger

I challenge ANY of you to find a bigger whiner than me.

Everyone has problems. Every single person on Earth. I have a nice house. A nice car. Relative health. A decent job. I have food and the means to buy more.

And yet I whine. I whine and whine and whine and whine some more. I’m surprised so many of you put up with it.

Seriously. I’m throwing down the gauntlet. Find one blogger who whines more than me and drop a link in the comments so we can all go read it and laugh.

The Most Self-Deprecating Blogger

There is a teeny-tiny part of my whining that exists because my sense of humor includes the ability to laugh at myself. So I make jokes about never getting laid, when we all know I could TOTALLY get laid if I was only willing to pay for it or could get all my friends to throw money in a pile for another charity bone.

The Biggest Short-Man Complex Blogger


I take the 5’9” thing a little too far, eh?

You can say it.

I’m more self-aware than I might let on.

The Most-Schizophrenic Blogger

I’m so self-aware, in fact, that I’m fully aware of my schizophrenia and imbalance in terms of my day-to-day topics.

One day I’m writing about my completely ridiculous and unsubstantiated estimates regarding my chances of getting laid in states I’ve never visited.

The next day, I’ll scream and cry like a little girl because my life isn’t what I want it to be.

And then the next day, I’ll write some Sappy McSapfestival about hope and optimism and blah blibiddy blah blah.

You guys are probably like: What a freaking spaz, this guy is.

And you’re totally right.

The Most-Spazzy Blogger

Hey! If the shoe fits.

I’m a spaz. It’s probably my mom’s fault.

I spaz at work.

I spaz at my son, even though he’s totally five and is just trying to figure life out one little lesson at a time, doing exactly the same shit I used to do.

I spaz at everything.

I’m the mayor of Spazville.

Maybe I’m influencing people to not be like me.

That could totally be it.

The Most Influential Blogger Award

Firstly, thank you to Bryan at Can Bryan Write? for including me among the nominees. It’s impossible to evaluate one’s own work objectively. I do get an awful lot of praise and positive feedback here. It’s also impossible for me to know how much of that is warranted. After all, my mom and grandma think I’m Mark freaking Twain, and they haven’t even seen my best work, which is presumably here. Let’s pray they never do, otherwise I’ll lose even more family. I’m not even kidding. If my grandmother ever reads me writing about bondage or magic mushrooms or using the phrase “fuckity fuckness,” there’s a better-than-average chance she never speaks to me again. And she may seriously love me more than Jesus does right now. In fact, I can almost guarantee that’s true.

Pssst. Hey Matt. You’re being a spaz again.

Oh, shit. About influential blogging…


While it’s super-flattering to have someone nominate you for such an unworthy title, it also means you have a job to do.

Unless I want to be Break-the-Chain-of-Goodness Guy, and I don’t, I must answer some questions and nominate other bloggers for this award.

Instructions I’ve Been Given:

1. Display the Award on your Blog. (No. It’s a lie.)
2. Announce your win with a post and thank the Blogger who awarded you. (That’s what I’m doing!)
3. Present 10 deserving Bloggers with the Award. (“Influential” is an interesting word. I LOVE many bloggers, but I don’t know that “influential” is the word I’d choose to describe their work, nor do I believe they’re trying to be influential. They’re just writing. Like me.)
4. Link your awardees in the post and let them know of their being awarded with a comment. (I HATE having to give people another chore. Everyone’s busy and recovering from divorce or alcoholism or Chlamydia or unemployment or just a shitty day at work. But I’ll try to do this.)
5. Answer each of the 10 questions that your awarder asked, and then write 10 for your awardees (or use the same ones; up to you!) (I’m going to use the same questions because I’m lazy!)


So, here are some blogs I follow that I might call “influential,” at least to me. There are SO MANY deserving writers out there, many of whom I haven’t had time to read through and digest because I’m so self-centered and crying and feeling sorry for myself at home all the time. And I’m so sorry to all of you. You deserve so much more of my attention than you get.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

Lisa, the author, has been to hell and back and tells the story here. She’s smart, funny, wise, an outstanding writer, and I’m so blessed that she reads my stuff and offers her wisdom. And I’m so blessed to read her lessons and apply her experiences to mine. She’s brilliant and worthy of your time.

Dysfunctional Literacy

This dude. Jimmy. So funny. If nothing else, just read through his Literary Girlfriend series. It’s beyond awesome. He influences me to try humor in my writing, with “try” being the operative word.

Gotta Find a Home

This guy’s name is Dennis. Changing the world. He’s influential in the most-fundamental and important kind of way. 

Too Many Spiders

This lady is ridiculously awesome. She writes about stuff that’s intellectually over my head much of the time. But other times, she’ll just tell some simple human story about her family. The Spider Lady is a mother of like 79 kids in a New York City borough. She keeps her blog secret from her husband, for reasons unbeknownst to me, and which I’m not inclined to press her on. I just know she’s a good human being who loves her family and occasionally charms me with her funny take on the world.

Twenty-Three & Fancy Free

This young lady from Australia makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. She influences me to tell personal stories. To not be afraid to use a little rough language when the situation calls for it. She doesn’t write often enough for my taste, but when she does, I always smile. She’s wonderful.

Reflections Upon My Reality

This is a photo blog. She writes personal stories also on a separate blog, and she’s a fine writer. But I particularly enjoy her photo work. She’s kind of obsessed with cemeteries and she has a habit of wandering into abandoned houses and buildings to capture the ghosts. But, it’s compelling work. She influences me to think about the world differently. To find beauty in things that may not be conventionally beautiful.


This young medical doctor is in New York. Ramon’s been so supportive of the work I’ve done here. He influences me in the real world. With kindness. A zest for life. Optimism. He’s always looking for that silver lining. Always pushing himself and others to be more than they are through his writing. To seize life. To make the most of it. He’s a new digital friend. I’m lucky to eKnow him.

Knowingly Undersold

Everything he writes is smart and hilarious. If I could be anything as a writer, I’d want people to say I was smart and hilarious. His name’s Joe. He’s pretty awesome. Read him.

Match dot… come on already!

Like LizardoMD, this young lady in Los Angeles has been remarkably sweet and supportive of me since getting to know one another electronically. She’s a biased fan of my writing and has shared my work in the past. She’s kind and smart and funny, and if she ever gets around to dating again, the stories will be entertaining, like the author herself.


This woman is ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome, I mean. She’s been writing for one month. One. And she already has this epically entertaining and engaging blog. I’m beyond jealous. She’s kind of a rock star. And I’m hoping she’ll push me to be better. Because that’s always what I want to be. Better.

Questions I’m Supposed to Answer

1. What is your favorite season?

Summer, duh.

2. Who is your favorite singer?

Singer? How about musician? This isn’t right. I can’t pick just one. I don’t have just one.

3. What is your favorite kind of music?

I dabble in awesome. Sometimes awesome is indie rock. Sometimes it’s classical. Sometimes it’s blues or jazz or hip-hop or classic rock or electronic or even country, if I’ve been drinking a lot. The criteria is simply: Must be awesome.

4. Who is your favorite author?

My favorite writer is James Altucher. My favorite novelist is Michael Connelly.

5. If you had enough money, what charity would you donate to?

There is no amount of money too small to donate to charity. I donate to my church, to a shelter at which I’ve neglected to volunteer for seven months because I’m a whiny self-absorbed douchebag, and I donate to all of the little kids who come around the neighborhood, but only when they saw me through the window and totally know I’m home, OR when my five-year-old hollers: “DAD!!! There’s someone at the door!!!”

Dammit, kid! I was trying to pretend I wasn’t home!

“Dad! Did you hear me!?!? There are kids at the door!”

6. If you had enough money, what room in your home would you renovate?

My kitchen could use a little refresher. Like this list of questions, Bryan. Let’s hope not everyone is as lazy as us.

7. What is your favorite television show?

A month ago, I would have said Breaking Bad. Right now, The Walking Dead has my attention. It’s awesome.

8. Which of these is your most favorite drink: Pepsi – Coke – Ice Tea – Water?

Are you shitting me? Question fail! It’s invalid because none of these are alcoholic.

9. Do you own a desktop PC or laptop… or both?

I have an iMac. I like it. I don’t have a laptop because I’m poor. But I want one. I want to go write in a coffee shop and look awesome. I’m not even kidding. Dear Santa, please bring me a laptop so I can go look artsy in coffee shops on Saturday mornings and maybe talk to a girl for once in my life. Thank you!

10. What would you rather do for relaxation, read a book or watch television?

I do NOT approve of these questions. And I just don’t have time to write and answer 10 more. There are 29 other things I’d rather do for relaxation than read or watch TV. I respect that most of us only do those two things, though. I’d RATHER read. But I’m lazy. So, I often watch TV.

In conclusion, I’m about as “influential” as Question 8 is relevant and allowed to be asked for the rest of humanity’s existence.

I’m still kind of pissed about it.

Psssst. It’s tequila. My favorite drink. Because it’s amazing.

Arriba, you crazy vatos. And thanks for the nom, Bryan. I really do appreciate it.

38 thoughts on “The Most [Neurotic] Blogger”

    1. Yeah, but you’re one of the biased ones who say amazingly nice things to me all the time.

      I hope you have even a borderline clue how much I appreciate you.

  1. Congrats, Matt. I think it’s well-deserved. Even if everything you said is true (which it sooo isn’t), the combination of craziness makes for a great blog…

  2. Congratulations, Mark (freaking Twain)! 😉
    And in case you’d ever run out of ideas: how about creating an award of your own, like The Most-Spazzy Bloger Award, and start passing it along? Boy, this would be fun! 😀

    1. Thank you.

      Inventing blogging awards is actually not a stupid idea.

      Maybe someday, we can do that as an experiment and document the results.

      Fun idea, young lady.

      You’re influential because you speak and write in four languages. Which is beyond amazing.

      Thank you for peeking in here and saying hi once in a while.

      1. Me and influential? Sure 😀 I tried to influence myself into eating one piece of cake instead of two once, and even this failed! I wonder if it had helped if I would have tried it in 4 languages…

        Anywho, congrats again and all the best on expanding the influenced territories 😉

  3. Aw, dang man, *blushes* I was just reading along all la-la-la and opening those blogs in new tabs then saw my name and I’m glad no one was in my office because I visibly jumped like I’d been pinched– super surprised and super honored, thank you!

    I was already thinking of all the things I wanted to comment about the fictional awards you designated for yourself at the top and wondering what mine would be… I shudder to think.

    I love your comment on charity– you’re right, we are never too “without” to give. And I’m also the biggest schmuck for children peddling their various wares. I’m all “oh! I’ve been meaning to buy a trashcan full of popcorn, sure here’s $50.”

    Thanks again for the mention 🙂

    1. Well, it only gets worse from here. Because if you don’t nominate 10 blogs, you get, like seven years of bad luck or some shit.

      I was going to break the news to you this evening. I’m sorry. It’s Bryan’s fault for being decent and good-hearted!

      And you, lady, seriously are awesome. Can’t wait to read more. Thank you so much for checking in here.

      1. Can’t you tell I’m already living an eternal 7 years of bad luck? I must have broken a lot of mirrors and walked under a lot of ladders because this shiz is not going away 😉

    1. I’ve only been posting here since late June, which is a very short time, as well.

      But thank you. It’s really nice of you to say.

      I feel extraordinarily fortunate to be part of this writing community.

  4. I got something like this once…many moons ago when I went by a different name and had another blog. And it truly was flattering and I felt totally unworthy of it, but I went forth and pleased the masses with a continuation of the by-laws of being awarded the honor of being chosen. I had fun with it, just as you are. Congrats Matt!

    1. 🙂 thank you.

      I still haven’t done the thing where I tell everybody they have a new chore, but I’ll be looking forward to that later today.

  5. Influential, without a doubt, I would second and third that in a heartbeat. Despite the self-deprecation. Those questions were terrible, but, as usual, your answers were funny, honest and real.

  6. Yay! You have my vote! And how about “Cutest Blogger?”
    I promise not to tell your family about this blog.
    Now will you please write more bondage posts?

    1. Goodness.

      Don’t know what to say. Thank you. You’re awesome.

      Lebanese. French Canadian. British. Hula hooper.

      Got it.

  7. The bit about your Mum & grandma had me in tears laughing hysterically in my car filling in a few minutes before an appointment then realizing that LOTS of people in the car park were looking at me being a total spaz. Best moment of my day thank you. Well done on the nomination. (Ps sorry about being one of those awkward ones following your blog).

    1. Other than a the usual stuff related to disease, death and destruction, my grandmother reading this stuff may seriously be my life’s biggest fear.

      She’s the most-precious woman on earth. If she finds out all of her loving influence led to this mind? She’ll insta-stroke.

      Thank you for reading. Thinking about someone far away laughing at something they read here makes me smile a lot. So thanks for that.

      1. I felt the same way about my grandmother, such a special lady. I don’t think she would have understood my blog either, nor anyone in my family for that matter! Actually reading this reminded me of her favourite quote: Ecclesiastes 3-4; 1 Corinthians 12 A time for everything… (now that might shock a few of my readers lol).

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  9. Thanks for the nomination and the mention. You’ve done a lot with your blog in just a few months, and you deserve the attention (the positive kind) that you’re getting. It’s tough to build a following with a blog, but you’ve gotten an impressive number of loyal readers in a short time, and that’s tough for a blogger to get. Congratulations! I think (and I hope) that this is just the beginning of something great!

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Matt Fray

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