I lose sleep over it.
Writer’s block.
Because this project matters to me. Other than my son and job, I don’t dedicate energy to anything like I do this.
I’ve grown to love it. I might even need it.
As more people begin to pay attention—some I know, most I don’t—the pressure mounts. To punch these keys in such a way that provides value for those of you kind enough to read.
And that right there—is where I try to stop myself.
Because my goal here has always been to simply work through this unexpected new reality in which I find myself.
Divorced.
Alone.
Scared.
Depressed.
My journal. To explore who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.
And if telling these stories—stories told with honesty—can help just one human being feel better about themselves or rethink their life choices a little bit, I’ll have done something meaningful.
It’s a wonderful fringe benefit of being honest with myself—having people tell me that these stories matter to them. That honesty matters.
I feel a little better about my life each day now.
I credit friends and family.
I credit God.
I credit time.
I credit you.
I credit this.
What Is This Thing?
And now this exists. This… thing. This place where I write. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it can be. I don’t know what I want it to be. But I know it needs fed.
And I know I want it to matter.
I want it to be relevant.
I want it to be cathartic. To write and to read.
I want it to entertain. And inform.
A small, positive contribution to humanity, regardless of how many people ever see it or ever care.
I just need one.
Just one shitty husband to change his life—to actively choose to love his wife and save his family.
Just one lost soul lying to herself and everyone around her to start choosing honesty. To choose the truth and feel freedom free from the shackles of living a lie. To really start to feel alive—outside the shadows, with nothing to hide.
Just one young man to learn from the sins of my past and build a strong foundation with the girl he loves to create something lasting. A relationship that will produce beautiful little children who will get to find out what family is supposed to look and feel like. The blueprint for marital success. So that they may grow up making positive choices and being part of generations of people who contribute positively to this planet.
It only takes one. One brave person to influence somebody so profoundly that this new person develops the courage to do the same.
The ripples take effect. And good spreads.
I’m not strong enough or smart enough or credible enough to be the influencer. I don’t know a goddamn thing about what it takes to be a good person, or the meaning of life, or what happens after we die, or how to feel peace when you lay down at night.
I’m an absolute failure at marriage and at always doing the right thing even when no one’s watching.
But I AM brave enough to try. To shine a little light on my skeletons. To try to reach that person who IS strong enough to instill change in their life and the lives of others.
In the hopes that some other husband doesn’t lose his family. That some wife doesn’t have to be afraid. That some innocent children aren’t poisoned by the anger they had no part in creating.
I’ll never know. And that’s okay. Because I have a good imagination. And that’s my fantasy. That one story can make a difference for one person who can REALLY make a difference.
Now What am I Supposed to Write About?
Before, there was scandal. Sex. Drama. Anger. And sadness.
I actually cried writing at least three of these posts. Maybe more.
I understand why people read that stuff.
But, what now?
As the scandal fades. As my anger fades. As I transition from Total Freakout Spaz to Typical Divorced Single Dad Guy, is any of this going to matter?
What will I write about?, I wonder.
I’m scared to lose whatever relevance this has.
Things will come to me.
Old, embarrassing stories. Things I remember from my marriage that are applicable to the idea that we all need to be giving more and taking less.
New stories about dating whenever I get around to trying that again.
Stories about my son as he continues to grow and evolve and experience life and the human condition now that he’s being exposed to all of the challenges that school brings—academically, socially, spiritually.
Even though I want this to be a healing mechanism for me—a way to grow as a human and as a writer—I’m absolutely guilty of wanting to keep you.
I don’t know how to write for nobody. And I don’t want to know what that looks and feels like.
I wrote once about The Fear of Losing What We Love.
And now I’m afraid to lose you. To lose this. Because this is the first and only good thing to happen to me as a direct result of my wife leaving.
Now, I feel like I need you.
I’m going to write a bunch of self-indulgent crap once in a while. I think this may even be self-indulgent crap. But it is sincere.
I’m going to write a bunch of nonsense once in a while. I’m nothing if not juvenile. But I want this to be bigger than that. (*wink*)
I’m afraid of so many things in this world. Some big. Some small.
And that fear is paralyzing. It prevents us from trying.
This—the words on this screen—is me trying.
This is what I know. All I know.
And I hope it’s enough.
Not for me. I’m never satisfied.
Not for everybody. I’m just not tall enough.
But for one.
Just one.
Maybe it’s you.
Hi.
I need you.
And so does everyone else.
Go be great.
haha! hey pal, relax. We aren’t going anywhere. It’s funny how the very things you aren’t sure you’re capable of doing and being are the very things you shed light on in your writing. Nobody is perfect. Nobody will ever be perfect. But what you have that surpasses all husbands, ex husbands, ex lovers, boyfriends, whatever you want to call them, is knowledge and honesty. Over God knows how long you’ve been going through this for, you have been writing about everything you could have done better in your marriage and what you would do in the future. You’ve reflected, you’ve learned, and even though I may not know anything about you besides what you say to us, you WILL practice what you preach someday. Most of us will be here through the most scandalous times in your life as well as the most boring ones. That’s what this community is for. And if you lose some people along the way, well, they just weren’t cool enough to make the cut.
Relax.
Breathe.
You’ll figure something out to write about.
Hell, I read this entire post you wrote about not knowing what to write about. Check that shit out!
We’re a little community and we aren’t going anywhere. I hadn’t been on here in 4 days and couldn’t wait to sign in today. This is my home too.
BREAAAATHEEEEE 🙂
Buried in my genetic code, is a snippet that makes me worry about… everything!
Thank you for reading. And for this note.
You’re already the kind of person I want people to be. The kind of person who encourages others.
So, please go be great some more. And thank you for what you already give.
I echo intothebeauty’s message! We won’t leave ya! Keep it coming: all the good, bad and in between. I know it takes guts, writing like this but you will have us in blog-landia.
“Keep it coming: all the good, bad and in between.”
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
That’s what she said.
Matt, I look forward to this every day. I almost never looked at my email anymore, but now I check daily hoping to see that there is another blog of yours for me to read. I say that not to add pressure for you to produce something for me to read everyday, but so you know that this does matter to me. What you write makes me laugh, makes me consider my own actions as a partner, and sparks dialogue in my home and among my siblings. Thanks for how much effort you put into this.
Stef Atwater
This made me smile. For a variety of reasons.
Thank you so much for following along. And for caring.
Appreciate this note very much, Stef.
Hey Matt,
Just a little note to let you know you could write about your breakfast cereal and we would still read it. You are a writer who writes from your heart with words that flow ! You make us feel emotions happy or sad we are here for you …but hey there is no pressure you can take a day off ! ( can you feel the love =}
=)
Breakfast cereal! I will keep that one in my back pocket!
Thank you for your kind words, your encouragement, and for reading this at all. Really appreciate it.
I still read, and look forward to, every post….keep them coming!
Thank you!
Wouldn’t it be nice to see yourself through the eyes of others?
Through my eyes, you’re pretty awesome… I, too, look forward to reading your posts, getting a glimpse at what’s going on in that head of yours, even though you seem to think it’s a scary place.
But keep writing!! You’re good at it, whether it’s here or your fiction!! My fiction is probably more cathartic to me than my blog…
Just found your blog. Been checking out some of your posts. You are such a strong person. This statement hit me hard “Just one lost soul lying to herself and everyone around her to start choosing honesty. To choose the truth and feel freedom free from the shackles of living a lie. To really start to feel alive—outside the shadows, with nothing to hide.” as I am dealing with my own marriage issues and confusion and depression.
Thank you for being brave and putting your experiences out there. Those that have similar issues find comfort and hope that there are others like us.
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