I was 15 minutes early for the church thing.
My ex-wife lives close so I expected her and our son to show up soon. The church thing was for him and other kids his age.
His mom and I are good about going to events together to support him. It’s the kind of thing that was uncomfortable in the early months of separation and divorce, but I now find totally okay and occasionally pleasant two and a half years later.
I asked a guy if he knew where the kids and families were sitting. He pointed to a spot on the far side of the large church. I recognized a few faces. Whenever my son and his mom showed up, we’d sit over there.
But the minutes ticked by. And everyone filing in for the 9:30 a.m. start time wasn’t my son and his mom.
At 9:26, I finally sent a text: “Are you here?”
She replied at 9:29: “Walking thru parking lot now. Where are you?”
I told her to go through a back entrance. There are two of them. I stood by one while I waited, guessing incorrectly that she would choose it. It was 9:31 and church was starting. I sent a text describing a lady passing out things our son would need to grab.
She asked again where I was sitting, but instead of answering, I told her where the kids and families were sitting together.
Because I’m divorced and feel shame easily, particularly among the school and church parents where it seems like all their families are still intact, I didn’t go sit with them, electing to wait for my son and ex to arrive.
For that same reason, I also chose not to walk across the front of the entire church in front of hundreds of people to meet them after the Catholic mass started.
Long story short: My son wasn’t sitting with his parents together like we’d planned. Mission: failed.
My non-Catholic ex-wife spent the next hour with our son who was upset because he didn’t know where I was, and was forced to do a semi-ceremonial Catholicy thing with him that she might have felt some discomfort doing.
I was a little pissed because she arrived late and perceived her lack of punctuality as a sign she didn’t respect this Catholic thing she wouldn’t have to worry about if it wasn’t for me (which isn’t true).
She was a little pissed because she felt I didn’t try hard enough to sit with them and didn’t like that me not being with them upset our son.
She lives close. So I assumed she just didn’t try hard enough. But what actually happened was they spent the night at his grandma’s house much farther away, and when they arrived with what would typically be enough time, they found no parking spots and ended up having a long walk to get there.
She thought I was being unhelpful not telling her where I was sitting, instead telling her where our son was supposed to sit with his classmates.
OF COURSE I wanted to be next to my son. But I thought him being with his classmates for this special occasion was the bigger priority.
…
That probably seems like a typical misunderstanding.
But that’s exactly my point in telling it. THIS RIGHT HERE, is how divorce happens. She didn’t do anything wrong and tried her hardest to make the moment special for our son. I didn’t do anything wrong and tried my hardest to do the same. With limited information about one another’s thoughts and feelings, we were both a little bit pissed at one another, even though NO ONE DID ANYTHING WRONG.
That’s How Your Marriage Ends
Sometimes he’s a drunk or an addict.
Sometimes she’s financially manipulative.
Sometimes he’s a degenerate gambler.
Sometimes she’s sleeping with a guy at work.
BUT.
That’s not usually what happens. Usually, two well-meaning people get married with the heartfelt intention to love one another forever, and raise good kids, and enjoy backyard barbecues with friends, and holiday gatherings with family, and trips together to Disney World and the Grand Canyon.
And then slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, little moments like the one I described above start to invade and infect our psyche and emotional chemistry.
She thinks he’s thoughtless and irresponsible.
He thinks she’s unfairly bitchy and never happy.
She thinks he’s selfish and that all his decisions revolve around self-interests.
He thinks he’s already changed so much of his behavior and lifestyle for her, he doesn’t understand why she’s always so dissatisfied with him.
She decides he’s never going to change and eventually grows exhausted by him. Because there are only two possibilities: He’s a childlike moron incapable of being a responsible adult partner and co-parent, OR he’s as smart as she thinks he is and cares so little about her feelings that every day he chooses all the fuck-you-I’m-going-to-do-things-my-way stuff that she’s been pleading with him to stop.
In either case, she can’t trust him anymore. He’s no longer SAFE.
Not because he had sex with someone else.
Not because he gambled away their money.
Not because he’s an unreliable financial provider or not physically capable of protecting her from harm.
But because when she bares her soul to him, nothing changes. So she must not matter enough to him. She loves him in theory, but the feelings go away. It’s hard to stay in love with the person who hurts you every single day. Because he’s no longer safe and behaves like someone who doesn’t love her, she stops being sexually attracted to him. Sex becomes super-infrequent or dries up altogether.
…
All this time, her husband thinks she must be a little bit crazy. She’s hormonal and imbalanced. SHE MUST BE. Because he does love her. Very much. Of everyone he has ever known or currently knows, she’s the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with. She’s the one he was willing to forsake all others for. If he’s a father, there’s a secondary layer of love and protection he feels. He loves his kids a lot and he knows how amazing she is at caring for them. He could NEVER do what she does, thus her safety and wellbeing become even more important to him.
He spent his entire life going to school and hanging out with his friends.
Many of his best memories are Friday nights on the football field, or up in the stands at basketball games, or playing golf or soccer or poker or video games, or watching MMA or boxing or pro wrestling with his friends.
He has this loyalty he innately feels to his friends. They’re like brothers. Either because they played sports together, or roomed together in college, or served in the military together, or worked together, or any other bond-forming activity guys often do.
Now, he spends maybe 5-10% of his social time with them, or participating in hobbies ingrained in him from all those years. He thinks it’s REALLY unfair that even though he gave up the vast majority of those activities and hobbies for his marriage, she still complains about what little time he spends on all those things he has always loved.
…
She didn’t sign up for this. Not a life where she constantly feels invalidated because he either offers a hundred reasons why she’s being an unreasonable, nagging bitch, or he totally withdraws and doesn’t communicate with her at all.
He didn’t sign up for this. Not a life where he is constantly disrespected and made to feel inadequate even though his PURPOSE in life is to provide the best life possible for his family.
She stops sleeping with him.
He starts jerking off thinking about the office receptionist or that waitress at his favorite lunch spot.
She gets huge crushes on any man who appears to show genuine interest in her because her husband hasn’t talked to her or looked at her that way in years. He really gets me, she thinks. I want to sleep with him.
He gets his kicks from the female friend or coworker who listens to him complain about how unappreciated he is at home. She feels bad and wants to help so she puts his penis in her mouth, and he justifies it because his wife hasn’t slept with him in several months. What did she expect me to do!?, he thinks.
The guilt and shame pile up for everyone.
The shoulders are just a little bit heavier every second of every day.
Quiet moments alone are no longer peaceful because those are the moments the skeletons rattle loudest.
No one feels peace or innocence anymore. Not like when you were kids. You miss it so much, and it’s amplified by watching your kids. Because they’re pure and innocent and you want them to stay that way, but you can’t protect them from all the shit. There’s just way too much of it.
You feel like you’re constantly failing them because how can a broken, flawed person like me ever expect to raise children to be great people while protecting them from every danger?
What You’re Doing Isn’t Working
Two things:
- The above example is a fictional hypothetical situation that is NOT autobiographical but I believe is one super-common example of how marriages break and deteriorate into tar pits of shit.
- Your marriage or relationship has some element of all this going on in it. The reason it’s so easy to write this off-the-cuff example that will probably resonate with a kajillion people is because I read and hear the same stories over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. It’s totally frustrating and depressing.
…
You’re doing the same things everyone does, and when you do that, you get divorced and often end up sad and angry and hurting with sad and angry and hurting kids. It’s a real shit show.
A suggestion: TRY SOMETHING ELSE.
Hey Husbands: Your wife is going to leave you, and may or may not start sleeping with another man and take your children away. It’s horrible, and you and your family deserve better. If your wife tells you there’s a problem, and you don’t agree because you don’t think it’s as big a deal as she does? I have bad news. There’s a problem, and she’s going to leave.
Hey Wives: You’re not wrong that your husband who pledged to love you forever is a little oblivious and thoughtless, and should absolutely be prioritizing your feelings on all matters related to your emotional wellbeing so you can feel safe in your own life and trust that it will be here tomorrow. But you are wrong about your husband not loving or caring about you. And you’re doing a piss-poor job choosing WHEN, HOW and in what TONE OF VOICE to tell him how dissatisfied you are.
If I knew how to cure marriage problems, I’d have already written the magic-bullet bestselling book of all time, and currently be enjoying the spoils of commercial success while also kind of saving the world.
Every couple, and every individual, is different. Unique. Nuanced. Special.
And when we pledge to love and cherish and serve one another for as long as we live, it is our solemn duty to figure out what we can do to make our partner’s lives better.
Guys, marriage isn’t for you. It’s for your wives. You don’t need to agree with her. You simply have to care that the person you love most feels serious pain and fear. And if you put your mind to solving that problem—alleviating her pain and fear—you’re going to be much happier.
Ladies, marriage isn’t for you. It’s for your husbands. You don’t need to agree with him. You simply have to care that the person you love most in the world feels seriously unappreciated and undervalued. And if you put your mind to solving that problem—making him feel respected for all of the positive traits for which you originally fell in love with him, and valued for his many contributions to your life—you’re going to be much happier.
…
My ex-wife had a choice: Be pissed because I wasn’t with them during the church thing. Or appreciate that I tried my best at the expense of my own happiness to make sure our son was getting the most out of the moment.
I had a choice: Be pissed my ex-wife didn’t make a better effort to arrive sooner. Or appreciate that she—a non-Catholic—goes out of her way to support and participate in things she doesn’t always understand or agree with.
The moment passed.
Later that night, I had to run a pair of our son’s pants to her house. We do little favors like this all the time.
The anger and frustration from earlier was gone.
Despite her annoyance, she had sent me a video in the afternoon of our son riding his bike like a big boy. I appreciated it.
Despite my annoyance, it was my pleasure to bring clothes to her that he needed for school. She appreciated it.
Gratitude.
It’s the baseline emotion necessary to achieve happiness.
And just maybe, while you’re searching for answers on what to do next? On how to get through to him? On how to get her to respect you or sleep with you? On how to save your marriage? On what else you can try?
Maybe you can start with something you learned before entering kindergarten.
Saying thank you.
When I read your posts, something usually hits home with me and my relationship with my husband. This one is like an arrow through the heart. My husband of 2+ years and I have issues. We don’t have kids together. I feel threatened and insecure about some of the choices he’s made and continues to make. He says I need to get over it, he’s not changing, I’m “nagging” him, and trying to control him. He says he wishes I could see inside his heart and head and see how much he loves me. I wish he could see inside my heart and head to see how some of his choices terrify me.
The scariest part is that it’s totally unsustainable. If it doesn’t get better (or you don’t agree to silently take it on the chin for the rest of your life) the pain, frustration and resentment grows.
Then, BOOM. Game over.
I hope you really, truly understand that it’s not just you. That it’s basically everyone. Because it really is.
While I believe strongly both husbands and wives are equally responsible for broken marriages, there’s one super-critical aspect men often get wrong, and I think if they got it right, at least half of all divorces wouldn’t take place.
That’s the part where you tell him something is wrong, and he responds by telling you you’re mistaken.
You’re hurting all over, and he’s the only one who can fix it, and all he wants to do is get out of having this conversation AGAIN so he can go play a game, or watch TV, or whatever.
It’s BECAUSE he loves you (and feels there’s loads of evidence to support that fact) that he’s so quick to dismiss your problem as being something big and important to worry about.
He always makes the mistake of assuming that your brain, heart and body work like his. (You also do this in reverse. It’s bad.)
And so when you say something or feel something or react to something that is 180 degrees from how he would react to that identical situation, he’s left to conclude that you’re temporarily insane, or hormonal, or “being a crazy girl.”
And I understand through the prism of hindsight how cruel and uncaring that seems. But as a guy who has been there, I also know how “innocent” it all was.
He’s not lying. He really, truly disagrees with you and believes he’s correct. He keeps waiting for you to come around and see it “logically” like he does.
You never make any progress, because you never agree on the problem.
The problem isn’t whatever you’re fighting about.
The problem is that you don’t understand one another. Literally. You don’t make sense to one another.
It would be fine if it was about what movie to watch on Friday, or your differing opinions on the best pizza in town.
But it’s actually about the most important stuff in the universe. How we feel inside our hearts and minds when we’re sharing a home and a life with people who deprive us of the peace and joy we deserve.
Kills me. The entire thing.
So, anyway.
My working theory is that men have the most power to fix this. I believe that if the man went above and beyond (like he often does with his life’s passions and interests) to LEARN about who his wife is on the inside and why she thinks and feels as she does… and then respects her feelings and actively practices empathy… I think the vast majority of marriage problems disappear overnight.
Because when you feel loved and validated and respected and cherished and desired and emotionally safe, all of the things he perceives you to be doing to him will go away by default.
Like magic.
All the while, he sets the example for his guy friends. For his sons on how to treat wives. For his daughters on what to expect from men.
He dies one day beloved and respected and wildly successful at the thing that mattered most.
I want, so much, to figure out the right combination of words to help a man seek that very thing.
Thank you for reading and for your nice, validating words about stuff I’ve written.
I apologize for the obscene length of this comment.
This really matters to me.
And I wish you and your marriage my very best.
So, basically, d*mned if you do, d*mned if you don’t…not meaning that sarcastically, or tongue-in-cheek, but that’s just what it seems a LOT of relationships boil down to… Honestly, I’ve been single now for a while, and I do go out on dates. It is frustrating when you like someone new, and they don’t seem to reciprocate. However, at this point, I find single life and “just dating” to be very fulfilling, because this type of imperceptible communication doesn’t take place; you see each other, have a date, enjoy each other’s company, then go home to your own respective lives. Sometimes I think separation in relationships, or a “commuter” relationship, if you will, is the best kind of relationship to have. YMMV.
I don’t disagree that it feels that way.
I have all these ideas about how I think marriages can better succeed, but there are always the “Well, what about this!?” stories. Because their child died or got horribly sick. Because they lost all their money. Because they had the best damn marriage they’ve ever seen or heard of and one of them STILL had an affair.
I wish I knew what to say.
I’m with you on the dating thing. There is something nice about never reaching the tipping point with the imperceptible communication, as you called it. (Good phrase.)
You just go home and you have the freedom to be you.
There are two conversations:
1. If I’m not married, what conditions do I need, and what traits must my partner have, in order for me to want marriage?
2. If I am married, and life is starting to chip away at what used to feel good and safe, what can I do to make life better for my marriage and family?
I tend to focus on #2 here.
But #1 is a worthy conversation. I still don’t know whether I’ll ever walk that path again.
Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate it very much.
This one right here is straight-on TRUTH! Love it. Keep em coming. I will always use your entries as a reference for my next marriage. 🙂
Thank you. Nice words. And there are a few things here people don’t like to talk about. Maybe a little bit can resonate with the right person.
One can always hope.
Thanks for saying hi. It’s always nice to hear from you.
The longer im married the more i believe that marriage requires a counter-intuitive mindset. We live in a largely me-first culture and the idea of putting another’s best interests before our own doesn’t come naturally to us. It takes practice, and marriage – if we’re doing it right – is the microcosm in which we learn best to overcome our innate selfishness. Better marriages = better world.
It seems many people fail to recognize just how much divorce and broken homes adversely contribute societal ills.
I know idealism accomplishes very little in the real world. But if you could magically make it so everyone who got married liked it throughout as much as they do during the first year, and kids had that example and had both parents at home all the time, I believe the positive ripple effects would be more impactful than most can imagine.
And since I believe that, it stands to reason that every saved marriage makes the world incrementally better.
I think it’s a worthy conversation.
I wholeheartedly agree and that’s what motivates me to participate in the discussion. I can’t speak for others but I can certainly attest that learning to be a better wife has had those ripple effects with my other relationships as well. Its spills over into all aspects of my life. I wish I had known sooner…
Another great post! Last year I started changing my attitude, focusing on the good and appreciating the strengths of my husband. As I did that, he responded, and now, 18 months later, we have shared dreams and goals, and are loving and enjoying each other again. Gr/attitude is a huge part of making sure we are both here tomorrow, and next year, and in five years time. I learnt the lesson too late and made bad decisions, but early enough to escape divorce, and that makes me so very thankful.
You are so on point! You will be a great husband to some lucky girl when the time comes again.
Thank you so much for the nice note, Felicity. Forgive my delayed response. I lose track of these comments sometimes.
This is a really nice story. I don’t hear this one very much but I want you to know how much I appreciate it.
My big focus is encouraging men to take the initiative to be the change in their marriages. To put their wives first and give without asking for anything in return, and watching how that postively impacts their marriage and family.
I’m going to continue to encourage that. I know what it’s like to be a guy and husband. I have no idea what it’s like to be a frustrated wife.
But you did, in reverse, exactly what I hope men will do. SOMEONE has to lead, and it often seems as if the wives are more actively invested in the marriage than their husbands are.
I think men learning how to adopt an attidude of service and love as a verb can do wonders for saving marriages and families.
Thank you for being a part of that effort.
I totally agree men can save a marriage if they adopt an attitude of service and love. Mine wouldn’t have receded to such a bad state of my husband had done that early on. But these last few years I take the blame for. And I definitely had to be the one to iniaite change.
We live and grow and hopefully give each other enough freedom and grace to flourish. That’s the ultimate goal huh?! :). Thanks for responding.
This is so true, and part of why I won’t marry again. It is a cycle that happens over, and over, and over again. I’m young – I turned 32 just 3 days ago – but it isn’t hard to figure out. I see how it is. Relationships are like this.
At first, I wanted a new start with someone who could actually care. But it doesn’t happen. All relationships seem to just degrade over time. Relationships seem to have expiration dates now. Then one partner attaches to another and it is done. Or at least, should be in many cases.
Sadly, the chances of a second marriage working out would be slim to none. Who knows that information and wants to risk it? It is sad that these relationships are now the “new normal”. Where did the breakdown happen in our family dynamics, almost across the board?
I know you write these blogs to tell people they are not alone, but you aren’t alone either. These situations are the hardest to deal with.
You’re right. You are. THIS is what happens to people.
However.
I think this is what happens to people who don’t know better. Like all the people who used to smoke two packs a day and are totally surprised when they die of lung cancer or emphysema. Back then, people didn’t know smoking was such a killer.
People still don’t understand the psychological and emotional dynamics that break all these relationships.
But, what if they did?
What if, more and more people learned this stuff? What if it became common knowledge? The little things that cause all these breakdowns?
Some people still smoke and die from cancer.
Some people don’t smoke and still die from cancer.
But, mostly? People don’t smoke and work harder than ever to make choices that give them the best chance for a healthy life. Certainly compared to 20 and 30 years ago.
I think a future is possible where people understand the dynamics that cause all the breakdowns in our romantic relationships and know how to deal with them effectively.
I think a future is possible where marriages work out MOST of the time, and are mostly loving and healthy partnerships.
This is too important of a topic affecting far too many people for it to keep being ignored to the degree it is.
One of these days, things will start to change.
That’s going to be a great thing.
There are times Matt, you hit the nail so hard on the head you drive it in the very first time. This is one of them. Gratitude and thank you, so important.
Thank you! 🙂
I think if you start with gratitude, always, then you can find common ground and peace with pretty much anyone.
Matt,
Do you have thoughts on WHY men are (typically) so quick to blame hormones when they feel as though the women in their lives are acting unreasonably? Is it that it can so easily be used as a copout (why look to yourself for answers when it is probably her problem)? Or is it that many men really believe we are total victims to our ovaries? Or is it both, plus a big, shitty melting pot of a lot of other things?
As a woman, I acknowledge that levels of estrogen can play a big role in how easy it is to make me cry, but I feel like (and I don’t think its just me) a man’s response to his own testosterone levels can be equally as devastating, perhaps even more so because testosterone can cause violent outbursts and fluctuating hormones are not something men are typically taught to deal with. Yet, rarely do I hear/read about women saying to their male partners, “this must just be your hormones, because you don’t really feel that way!”
Either way, I am interested to know what you think, as I have been really enjoying reading your blog since I discovered it this morning! Thanks for sticking your neck out and writing about the hard stuff so that others may learn from your mistakes – it is truly a gift to society.
>
Here’s what I think happens:
You get upset about (insert random thing here). Maybe he left his laundry lying around. Maybe he thoughtlessly walked on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with his shoes on, soiling your hard work. Maybe he left the seat up. Or forgot to pick up milk and eggs on his way home. Whatever.
You’re upset because this is another prime example of him not respecting you enough and taking you seriously enough to think about how his actions or lack thereof are making your life worse.
But that’s not what he thinks.
He thinks you’re only mad because he forgot the groceries which he’s willing to go get right now, or that you’re mad about a pair of pants on the floor.
He thinks: “What kind of insane person would want to have a horrible fight and ruin our night and make our marriage out to be a trainwreck over something as insignificant as groceries or laundry? I would never be so irrational! If she thinks laundry is more important than our marriage, she must not love me.”
You are thinking: “I cannot trust this man. I can’t count on him. He does NOT respect me. He never apologizes because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He always tells me in his own way how what I think and feel is wrong or dumber than what he thinks and feels. I have all these feelings and I know I’m not crazy, and he NEVER acknowledges them as important or worth his attention. If he thinks ‘proving’ his point and winning our arguments are more important than his wife’s feelings, then he must not love me.”
Both the husband and wife come to equally logical conclusions, both of which are totally mistaken.
Sooner or later, one has an affair, or gets so fed up, they essentially give up putting effort into the relationship.
…
And all of it happens because when you look at him, you know he’s smart, so you can’t figure out how he could be so dense as to not see things your way. Him not giving a shit is the only viable explanation.
He looks at you and knows you’re smart. He can’t figure out why you wouldn’t agree with his perfectly “logical” conclusion: Laundry is NOT worth fighting and damaging a marriage. He doesn’t know the laundry is linked to a hundred other things inside you, all of which erode your ability to feel safe and loved in your own home. So when you get angry and/or cry about something “little” like this, he thinks you’re totally hormonal.
And you don’t know about his frequent feelings of shame and failure from his apparent inability to make you happy. If you’re always sad and frustrated with him, even though he’s trying his “best.” (he doesn’t even begin to understand why any of this is happening or what to do), then he’s failing at the biggest part of his life and it’s making him withdrawl even more.
If he doesn’t feel like he can succeed, or that he’s respected or appreciated, he will never have the energy he needs to put his wife first every day.
Ticking timer at that point. Unless something changes, the marriage is doomed.
Divorce, an affair, or a horrible life of sadness and anger and resentment are certain.
There’s a better way.
And all it takes is for both partners to “get” it. To understand what’s ACTUALLY happening when they’re speaking plain English to one another, and neither person knows WTF the other is talking about.
Every couple who has “the same fight” over and over again (which seems to be the vast majority) needs to learn the science and chemistry of what’s happening with them.
They’re having the same fight because they have no idea why it’s happening.
And they’ll keep having the same fight until it breaks, and having the same fight with their next partner, wash, rinse, repeat, until SOMEONE tries something else.
Maybe I’m wrong.
I don’t pretend to know anything for sure.
Thanks again – that makes perfect sense. I read this aloud to my husband and we both exclaimed (at different points), “that IS how I feel!”
If I am getting it right, the hormones are not being used as a copout – rather, they are the most logical explanation for a man’s interpretation of his female partner’s confusing behavior. It is sort of a compliment, in a way, that my husband would rather tell himself I am hormonal than to believe I am bat-shit crazy. Now, I am able to understand the logic behind his strange (to me) habits and can seek a solution from a less emotional perspective. It looks like I was just as quick to jump to “husband negligence” as an explanation for his behavior as he was to jump to “hormones” as an explanation for my behavior. The funny thing is, HE was giving ME more of the benefit of the doubt than the reverse, which makes me a shitty wife.
So, we had a great discussion over coffee (thanks again!!!) and we have decided that the not-yet-dirty-pants need a place of their own, a “pants limbo” if you will, that will make us both happy. There are a lot more things to work on, but now the work seems less tense and hurtful.
You are right, it is insanely easy, somehow.
Hi! You guys are hilarious and I can’t even begin to explain how great I think it is that stuff you read here was a jumping-off point for you guys to dive into all the funny little things that go on inside us that we never talk about with one another.
You’re going to have a phenomenal and incredibly intimate marriage if you choose this every day.
Thank you for sharing.
I used this very question you asked as the premise for my post (and included part of your question) published just a little bit ago.
Thank you so much for reading and all the uplifting, supporting comments.
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Thank you for this article! It’s refreshing and put more things into perspective even though I’ve read, heard and just have been realizing similar things. I love that this kind of analysis comes from a man.
THANK YOU.
Iryna
your post always bring out the water works in me I cant tell you how many times I have read your posts over and over and over again.. such an insightful and wonderful site thank you and God bless