There are so many things I don’t want to do. Ever.
Because of decency.
Because of personal tastes.
But mostly because of fear.
During a text exchange last night, I disclosed to a friend that I had no idea what to write about today. Which isn’t uncommon. I’m not particularly skilled at thinking of new post topics.
But then my friend, who was visiting her sister, started unloading a bunch of ideas her sister was throwing out. It was awesome. A flurry of creativity, the likes of which I rarely possess.
One of the suggestions: My anti-bucket list.
It made me laugh. And anytime something makes me laugh, I try to write about it.
Because what’s more important than laughing? Just people, right? And generally, those people make us laugh, too.
There are many things I hope never happen. I can’t possibly list them all in one post and I don’t intend to try.
But here’s a start.
…
The Anti-Bucket List, Vol. 1
Do Hard Drugs
I’m defining “hard” as something that might kill me if I do too much of it.
I remember saying this in college, and I stand by it today: Can’t you get wasted enough drinking a lot and doing six-foot bong hits?
Honestly.
I just want to understand.
The only thing I can come up with is that drugs like cocaine and heroin and PCP and whatever the hell else people do are just THAT awesome. Like, you do them, and then everything else that’s ever been great in your entire life ceases to be so by comparison. Like vacations, and milkshakes, and pizza, and concerts, and fast cars, and sex, and Disney World, and beaches, and fine dining, and falling in love, and Las Vegas, and good cups of coffee, and every other awesome thing on Earth.
And then your mere existence is dedicated to recreating that feeling again. The feeling which only that drug can provide.
Another thing I remember saying in college the morning after the first time I ever ate magic mushrooms: “Now I finally understand why people do hard drugs. Because THAT was amazing.”
But still. Stilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.
Why are we doing scary illegal things that are hard to acquire and take away our ability to perform even the most basic of human functions?
Feel free to chime in, heavy drug users. Because I’m probably missing something.
But let me throw this out there:
How to Get Really Messed Up in 5 Easy Steps
Step 1: Acquire your preferred alcoholic beverage of choice.
Step 2: Acquire marijuana.
Step 3: Drink a lot of alcohol.
Step 4: Cap off your night by smoking pot.
Step 5: Get the spins so bad that you vomit, or almost-vomit, and actually look forward to being sober again.
Please don’t do hard drugs. Just don’t.
R.I.P. Philip Seymour Hoffman.
…
Have Gay Sex
No offense, gay folk. And I mean that.
It’s your thing. And perhaps the idea of intimacy with the opposite sex makes you feel the same level of discomfort I do while considering sex with dudes.
I just REALLY don’t want to.
Of all the things I don’t want to do, having gay sex is probably No. 1.
Like, I would totally choose shooting heroin over a man putting his penis in my butt or mouth.
I would even choose going home with 80-year-old Tricia! I wish you could see the face I’m making right now.
But let’s not get in the business of ranking the anti-bucket list items.
That will just get messy.
…
Go to Prison
Prison would be so bad for me. I just don’t think I’m cut out for doing hard time with a bunch of murderers and rapists and armed robbers.
You’ve seen how poorly I deal with divorce.
Can you imagine me in prison?
Today, I’m all: Oh, darn it. I forgot to set the DVR to record O’Reilly’s interview with President Obama.
But in prison? More like this probably: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. And just sobbing and rocking back and forth. I bet I’d have to have lots of against-my-will gay sex in prison. That, combined with the cafeteria food, the constant threat of violence and the lack of recreational weekend options has me convinced that avoiding prison time should definitely be on this list.
…
Wear Depend® Guards for Men
I started seeing television commercials for these things a couple days before the Super Bowl. They’re basically maxi pads for dudes. And I pray this doesn’t come off misogynistic, but: NO. Right!?!? Like, just, no.
“Protect your manhood,” the tagline says.
Sorry Depend! But I’m just not interested in your pee pads. Or the ones for “larger surges.”
I’m not sure if that’s like an erection reference, or some fire hose-like renegade surprise pee that affects certain men.
If I ever get to the point where I just start pissing myself all the time, I’m definitely going the Billy Madison route.
“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.” – random old lady in “Billy Madison”
…
Eat Testicles
Like, bull testicles. You know what I mean? Sure you do.
People eat these things. On purpose. I DON’T GET IT.
The boat left and I wasn’t on the boat.
Waiter: “Would you like to hear our specials this evening?”
Ball Eater: “Yes, please.”
Waiter: “We have a 10-ounce filet mignon served on a bed of pureed herb-roasted cauliflower, with a potato croquette and a side of chopped kale and quinoa. If you like seafood, tonight we’re featuring Alaskan King Crab legs with a butternut squash soufflé and roasted Brussels sprouts.”
Ball Eater: “Wow. That all sounds so good.”
Waiter: “Both are excellent choices, sir.”
Ball Eater: “They sound like it! But I’m just going to go with the testicles. Preferably some really swollen ones with lots of bull semen in them.”
Waiter: “No problem. Extra semen. Got it. I’ll tell the chef.”
…
Drink Tea at the Teahouse at the Top of Mt. Hua Shan
Because I’m entirely too afraid to get there.
I’m sure the tea’s great. But I’m going to have to pass.
…
Kill Someone
I really don’t want to murder anyone. I don’t even take relatively harmless swings at people I don’t like very much.
But moral compass aside, I also don’t want to accidentally kill someone, or be forced to because of self defense or in a scary post-apocalyptic survival scenario.
I pray I never kill someone with my car, or because someone followed my “How to get really messed up” advice and ended up being the first person in history to overdose on marijuana.
I’d have a pretty hard time with that.
And if I did kill someone, there’s a better-than-average chance I might go to prison.
And then the anti-bucket list will get totally destroyed.
Because:
1. I’ll have killed someone.
2. I’ll have to do hard drugs to cope.
3. I’ll go to prison.
4. I’ll have to end my celibacy streak with against-my-will gay sex. And…
5. I’ll have to eat balls.
Only they won’t be seasoned with sea salt, black pepper and rosemary.
But they’ll probably have some extra semen.
They are called “Rocky Mountain Oysters.” They are popular where I live. And, no, I have no desire to eat them. But a lot of folks do. And love them. And I hope they continue loving them. But.I.Just.Can’t.
Thank you. I’m sure they’re heavenly. But I’m good with the deep-fried mushrooms and hot wings. Seriously.
You never know about the prison tho..I guess this might include gay sex too hahaha
Yeah. I suspect it might. I’m going to try hard to avoid finding out.
funny.its great idea and i cannot wait to see vol 2.keep it coming 🙂
Next time I have no idea what to write about, I can just list all of the things I don’t want to do.
Score.
Thank you for reading. 🙂
Oh good God, I am wiping tears away trying to type.
That was brilliant!!!
I fear you may have just started a new trend with the anti bucket list, hell, even I’m tempted to write one (although I promise to give you full credit for your invention!)
And I’ve got to confess, I never know what I’m going to write until I sit down and stare at the blank ‘paper’ screen…talk about fly by the seat of my pants -and I’m an organized woman in every other respect. I wonder what Freud would make of this…? 😉
xx
I can take no credit for this lovely idea.
Someone smarter than me thought of it and was generous enough to suggest I write it.
I hope she approves. If we start an Anti-Bucket List trend, I’m sure she’d enjoy that as well. 🙂
Note to self — do not read this blog on my phone during a work meeting. No matter *how* comfortable you feel around your coworkers, there’s just no way to explain that you just snorted out loud over the line: “Like, I would totally choose shooting heroin over a man putting his penis in my butt or mouth.” There just isn’t.
Thank you for making me laugh.
I’m so flattered you’d read this during what must have been a REALLY important work meeting.
Addendum to aforementioned note to self — don’t read replies to blog comments during work meetings either. 🙂
Oh man… This is great! 😀 I am looking forward to Vol. 2 as well… actually I am looking forward to every post here, your way of writing is just so nice and open, that I really enjoy reading your stuff. keep it coming 🙂
This was really nice. Thank you.
I’ve tried Rocky Mountain Oysters because I’m from the Northwest originally and it’s pretty normal in certain areas. I wasn’t impressed and it’s hard to NOT think about what it is you’re eating, even when they’re fried and doused in ranch. There’s a restaurant here in Austin that has them on their appetizer list (they also serve sweetbreads which makes me throw up a little) and supposedly they’re amazing but I’ve had that experience and I think I’m good.
Can you order them with extra semen, or was my little scenario totally implausible?
Totally implausible. I’d like to tell you that in a perfect world you could…but if you think about it…eeeeeioooooowwww. Gross. 🙂
Totally implausible. They come the way they, er, come…
This is probably the best list of anything, I have ever read. I feel like you may have just won the blogosphere (Yeah that’s right, THE BLOGOSPHERE!) by creating this awesome Anti-Bucket List. 🙂
Thank you. I love to win stuff. 🙂
Really appreciate you checking it out and saying hi.
Love this!
I’m so glad. Thank you!
Apparently in parts of India they eat goat scrotum. Andrew Zimmerman described it as being “Pretty chewy.” I’ll pass.
This is a really clever (and hilarious) idea! I never thought of what I’d put on an anti bucket list lol. I guess eating any reproductive organs would be a good place to start. . .
That guy’s amazing. He’ll eat, literally, anything.
I’m slightly more picky. I’m with you. Let’s just not eat reproductive organs. So many better choices.
Wow. You totally stole my idea. Now I really have no idea what to write today!! Awesome post, had me laughing!!
Seriously!? You have to blame a girl a North Carolina!
Please don’t let me stop you. This is a universal idea that can be repeated over and over again.
If you decide to write it, please drop the link here, so we can check it out.
Thanks for encouraging me to plagiarize! Don’t worry, I didn’t copy you word for word- used you as inspiration instead. Hope you don’t mind I linked to your blog and this post in mine, you can check it out here: http://jamiesfunny.com/2014/02/05/buckets-of-fun/
Can’t wait to read tomorrow’s post!
I live in Montana, where we have the Rocky Mountain Testicle Festival every summer. I’ve never tried one, but, as sick as it sounds, they sure smell good. Anyways…funny post. Totally gave me the giggles.
Thank you!
I’m not even doubting that they have a nice flavor. I mean, I eat a bunch of animal flesh all the time.
But I just don’t want to eat testicles. Even if they taste like Godiva chocolate sprinkled with fairy magic.
In the event all other sources of protein dry up, and the only thing left to eat in the entire world is bull testicles, then we can shift the conversation.
But until then. Until that very moment, when it’s go vegetarian, or eat balls, I’m going to make better dining choices.
It could just be me, but I’m guessing you wouldn’t want to experience a “man-struation” either (for clarification that’s a man menstruating).
I’m assuming that because number 4 on your list seemed to be all about control, and trust me, there is no control over menstruation.
Food for thought my friend. Feel free to add that to your Anti-Bucket List vol. 2.
~ Darling
Food for thought, indeed!
Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion. 🙂
Another winner, Matt! Luckily I knew not to absent-mindedly sip my coffee while reading, something that regular readers know is a good thing to **remember**. Oh dear, I want to confess something … I had some minor new-computer troubles which I apparently used as an excuse not to read your blog while you were away. How pathetic is that?? This morning I finally smartened up, retrieved and fired up my old laptop, found your Archives, and have just caught up. Thank you for providing such excellent guest columns to fill in. You were right — each one was a worthwhile and inspiring read. Thanks guests, and welcome back, Matt : )
Thank you.
It’s good to be back. This made me smile. I appreciate that very much.
You had me laughing on every single one of your anti-bucket items. And I am with you wholeheartedly on eating testicles. Why would anyone want to try that is beyond me.
People are very silly.
Somehow this post makes me feeling very relieved about the fact that I am vegetarian and love herb tea…
( – Without magic mushroom effect. Besides, I don’t have to climb that mountain to get my favourite Irish tea, either.)
Thank you Matt for the fun read! 🙂
Thank you very much for reading it and saying hi. 🙂
lol i dont even like liver, so im sure bull balls won’t go down well either. Im always afraid of hurting someone with my car. Pedestrians are often on the side of the road, they do this little dance with one foot in the road and the other on the ‘island’ or pavement/sidewalk. I often envision scenarios where said pedestrian missteps and falls in the road right in front of my car! freaks me the f*%k out!
That said, i once saw that happen to a pedestrian. The difference was that the pedestrian was busy crossing the road between standing cars and he was about to cross the slip road on the left, but at the same time another car moved on to the left slip road, with the pedestrian being out of sight. no one could have stopped that. I literally saw the guy flying up in the air. He had on jeans, a blue and white check shirt and a khaki coloured backpack.
I felt bad for both the driver and the injured guy. Neither were to blame, but both were in the wrong. the pedestrian should have cross in front by the traffic light where the STANDING cars could see him and the driver should not have driven so fast on that lane.
i would have to hurt someone like that
You saw a man get hit by a car and literally fly in the air? Yeeesh. Not a good visual.
ya will never forget that image!
OMG this is hilarious! and a great idea too. I never thought of doing a brain storming session over what to write – and I get writers block every time I’m faced with making a post. It’s probably why I’ve only got 7 followers!
I am SO glad I followed your blog Matt 🙂 I don’t comment every day, but I’m always here reading.
I’m so glad, too.
I really appreciate you being a part of it.
Please don’t feel obligated to comment! Thank you for being here.
I think your list is very reasonable. You had me making some faces too. 🙂 Oh and thank you for posting the link to the trail at Mt. Hua Shan. I would do the first part without hesitation, but there is no way I would ever walk even a step on that tiny board to get to the top. That’s insane! I realize everyone has got to die from something, but that’s not the way I’d choose to go. Especially not just for a cup of tea. The view sure is stunning though!
I was totally captivated by that photo series and story.
I simply lack the intestinal fortitude required to make that climb.
Unbelievable that thousands do it.
I’m entirely too scared. Not even a little embarrassed to admit that.
Thanks Matt! I forgot I left the tab open. I clicked on it and my heart jumped in my stomach when all I saw was a huge drop off. It still looks fun though, but I might have to bring along those Depends you mentioned. 🙂
I missed a joke opportunity by not mentioning the Depends pads in the mountain top tea house section. 🙂
Thanks for the rib shaking laughter yet again. The thing that is so cool is that your blog has awesome followers, where the comments are often as funny as your posts…
Two things popped into mind when reading this post for me…
One re: no to hard drugs–same…but I do rather like to watch movies that capture the essence of drug use well–highly recommend the mushroom scene from the movie Super Troopers.
Two re: No to prison–same…if you haven’t watched the Netflix show Orange is the New Black–highly recommend. It’s women’s prison, but still works to solidify one’s need not to even go there, EVER…for me at least 🙂
Sorry I missed this before.
It’s been several years since I’ve seen “Super Trooper,” but generally speaking, yes. I very much enjoy experiencing things I don’t want to do in real life via cinema or television.
I’ve heard that “Orange is the New Black” is great. I should probably make some time for it.
Glad you’re back. Guest posts were great, but i missed chuckling myself to sleep.
Well done… you got me again.
Also, if by some nightmarish circumstance you do find yourself in prison, you’re welcome to borrow my contingency plan:
step 1) take dump on warden’s desk
step 2) enjoy the no butt-sex attributes of solitary confinement
step 3) repeat
This is a FANTASTIC plan. Honestly. Even without solitary, who wants to butt sex a dude who doesn’t wipe?
Maybe someone in prison. Ugh. Still. Worth trying. Totally.
I just can’t stop laughing! Great post!
Thank you, Paula!
Exactly, swallow the coffee, put the cup down, then read.
Another funny one Matt.
North Carolina started something, I was thinking of making a bucket list, looked up ideas, they were all expensive and fleeting joys. Things like hiking mountains and jumping out of planes are certainly worthwhile, but not something to hang a life on.
Laughing, and laughing with people, that’s one of the places a life can be.
Couldn’t agree more. 🙂
Oh, and about drugs. Caveat, I’m NOT a recovering addict, so my opinion is shaped by that relative ignorance…Some addicts start as a way to disassociate from a pretty gnarly and painful life, and some get hooked when they’re young. Both are now kinda stuck on a physical and emotional addiction/withdrawal cycle. Recovery is difficult and lifelong, but possible and worth it.
I’ve been in agonizing suspense all afternoon, because this post raised the hackles of my government firewall when I tried to take a quick peek at lunch 🙂
Now you’ve got me mentally making my list! You’ve also got me thinking about things that a younger me would have put on such a list, but which wouldn’t be on the list today 🙂
That is very funny. I’m so pleased I triggered the “decency” filters again!
Thank you for sharing that. 🙂
Sorry I took so long writing back!
I totally agree with your anti-list. I don’t want to do any of those things, either! Love your writing style!
Appreciate that. Nice to meet kindred spirits. I’m sure the mountain climbing thing is totally awesome if you don’t fear plummeting off mountains to your death like I do.
I don’t think I’d be good in prison either. However, I kind of think of Shawshank Redemption…and I’d make friends with the coolest dude on the cell block.
Then I’d escape, using a spoon.
Salvation lies within.
Wow Matt, *wiping tears from eyes* that was a riot. I am so disappointed though because I was totally going to suggest popping up to Mt. Hua Shan for a tea together… oh well back to the drawing board.
Next time I’m climbing mountains in Southeast Asia, I promise to let you know. 😉
Holding you to it… I might need plenty of advance warning! 😉
I’ll let you know way in advance!
🙂
I couldn’t have said it any better.
As for food…testicles…if I were to eat them, it should not be told to me before a bite is taken. I always ask what I’m eating, so finding out would definitely happen, but it would have to be after the third bite or after the meal.
It’s like the scene with the goat balls in Funny Farm (Chevy Chase classic).
The seahorses being grilled at a market in Suzhou, China, however… They smelled phenomenal. I still wish there was a shorter line and that our group wasn’t on a time budget. I would have ate those suckers in a heartbeat.
I feel like seahorses are another thing I wouldn’t intentionally eat. 🙂
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Love the blog! I needed the laugh.. good job 🙂
Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for the laugh. I might get back to this idea of an anti-bucket list, when I have writers block myself.
A solid go-to, I think! Appreciate you taking the time to read. Thank you.
Great list and I agree on all points. The drug thing….I’ve always wondered how someone could think, after a beer or two…”hmmm I’m going to give this PCP thing a try.”
At least one person who read this thought I was being insensitive to the demons of addiction.
I don’t think there’s any getting out of rubbing some people the wrong way once in a while.
But yeah. I stand by it. I had the opportunity to try all kinds of drugs. I mostly said no.
And I think that’s a good thing. Like not wearing pee pads.
A worthy anti list indeed.
Thanks. I really thought so.
Snort-laughed while reading this standing in a crowd of other parents. Thank you for that. 🙂 Can I have the number of your friends with the abundance of blog post ideas? They could start a service and charge bloggers, kinda like a writer’s block hotline…
Writer’s block hotline! That is brilliant.
This is an untapped resource Gretchen. People you know in real life who read your stuff but don’t want the content ideas for themselves. They’re totally happy to help.
A valuable lesson learned. 🙂
Great idea for a list! Hmmm makes me wonder what I’d add….I agree with everything except that tea trail thing, that I might try if given the chance…I mean c’mon there looks like some sort of rope railing thingy…that’ll save me.
Those rickety nailed boards. That chain just one rock break away from falling off.
I would seriously pee my pants.
Hooooooooly shit man. I was enjoying the post and then I decided to check this Tea House out…
Dude, my testicles are now somewhere in my lower intestine they retracted that much after seeing those pictures. I’m still shivering as I type this. Interesting that the article doesn’t mention how many deaths/serious injuries there have been. There must’ve been some, surely?
That is sooo unsafe!
Thanks for this though man. Great read. Up until the mountain, I was going to gay sex was the thing I’d least like to attempt. But I would definitely suck another man’s dick over having to attempt that plank.
Sean. You’re never not edgy or funny. I really appreciate that about you.
Those aren’t pillows… haha.
Thanks a lot man, I really appreciate that. Truly.
Ha. So you agree that it could’ve been a lot worse thought, right?
Here’s a question: what if the reason you don’t want to do these things is because you’re afraid they will be awesome? What if testicles are delicious, heroin is fun, The Mount Hua Shan tea house has the best tea ever, prison is full of like-minded individuals you enjoy the company of, Depends undergarments are extremely comfortable, killing people is surprisingly satisfying, and gay sex is the best sex you’ve ever had? WHAT THEN?
You’ll have to become a mountain-climbing, ball-eating, diaper-wearing, serial killer smack addict power bottom on death row. THAT is the real fear.
This is the most-compelling argument I’ve ever read to overcome my deepest fears and reservations.
I’ll be the gayest, most-murderous ball-eating mountain climber in the world if you keep this up.
I can safely say that I whole heartedly agree with EVERYTHING in this post.
Consensus! It’s beautiful and harmonious.
Thanks for checking it out.
Absolutely hilarious! Best thing to read before calling it a night. 🙂
Thank you! I hope it was a good night. 🙂
LOL! Funny as hell! And you wrapped it up perfectly!
Thank you very much. 🙂
Reblogged this on My Other Double Life.
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Oh man I feel like you know everything I don’t ever want to do, and more, especially prison. I’d beg to the guards to keep in my in cell; I don’t want to have a confrontation with anyone in there, hopefully increasing my chances of getting out of there alive
Ha. Right?
I probably need to write another one of these. There are many things I don’t want to do. Thanks for reading!
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hahahhahha you made my day. the last point tho