Hangovers and $4 Lobster

Comments 39
Yeah. $4. Right. Maybe with a bunch of pee on it.
Yeah. $4. Right. Maybe with a bunch of pee on it.

Because I had more fun than I usually do last night, I don’t feel amazing today.

While I was being a total waste on my couch, an interesting television commercial caught my attention. It also served as a warning that I shouldn’t be watching whatever I was watching because I don’t want to be part of the demographic the advertisement was aimed for.

The commercial was Golden Corral touting its $3.99 lobster tails.

Wait. What?

So, I hit the DVR rewind button to soak it in.

Yes. It was real. A real-life commercial advertising $4 lobster.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTugB_gHkMA]

You Get What You Pay For

“Anyone had the $3.99 lobster at Golden Corral? If so, how was it? Thinking about trying it tonight.” – @MinnesotaFatz, who started a thread I found via Google at Day One Patch on this topic

People love to save money. They do. I love it, too.

But there are certain instances where by cutting costs, you actually end up spending more money replacing the shitty thing you bought, and on the therapy you need for the damage that shitty thing caused.

This is not universal.

For example, once in a great while I go to a grocery store called Aldi that you may or may not have heard of. Almost everything they sell is private labeled. It’s inexpensive.

Their Keurig coffee they sell is pretty awful.

Their Just Add Water! pancake mix is amazing. Not even kidding.

I wouldn’t even consider buying beef or dairy there.

But their private-label fake Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles? Legitimately better than the actual Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles. True story. Not that I eat terrible-for-you-sugary cereals. *facepalm*

As a general rule, I’m of the opinion that if something seems like a too-good-to-be-true deal, the product is shitty, or there’s a catch. (Fine print: May cause explosive diarrhea or AIDS.)

“It probably tastes about as good as a $3.99 lobster can possibly taste.” – @Boyle5150 in Day One Patch thread

Get Ye to the Golden Corral!

I thought buffets were awesome when I was little.

I think they’re less awesome now. The exception being those crazy seafood buffets in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Unlimited crab legs, yo. However, you also pay about $35 a head for that radness. Still a good deal if you don’t get chronically ill afterward.

I can’t be sure that I’ve ever been to Golden Corral. Probably once or twice when I was little.

But I am sure of two things:

1. I don’t want to go now.

2. I never want to taste $4 lobster, unless it’s on a dare AND I have regular-priced lobster and liquor handy to immediately cleanse my taste buds.

“I heard about a $5.99 lobster that they don’t even have out on the buffet. You have to go to the back and give this guy Mickey a tugjob.” – @caleb1915 in Day One Patch thread

This is LOBSTER, people!

This is the only food of which I’m aware that has a fluctuating market value!

Every dinner menu in the world:

Filet Mignon – 9 oz. – $32

Ribeye – 16 oz. – $29

Sirloin – 14 oz. – $23

Lobster tail – Market Price*

THAT’s how badass lobster is. Dow Jones up in your mouth.

But not at Golden Corral! There it’s only $4.

Lobster. A real lobster tail. For $4.

“This thread makes me want to poop.” – @Bombasador in the Day One Patch thread

Possible Reasons Golden Corral Sells $4 Lobster

This is pure speculation.

1. They only serve lobsters which suffered from Lobster Shell Disease.

2. They actually serve Trans-Ocean Lobster Classic Chunk Style Imitation Lobster.


3. The lobster has pee on it. Like, literally, when you eat it, you also eat someone’s pee.

4. It’s a typo. Corporate sent a memo to the advertising agency, and the message accidentally said $3.99 rather than $31.99.

5. It’s a clever ploy to get lobster enthusiasts to go to Golden Corral.

Customer: “Oh boy! I’m sooooo hungry! I’ll have the $4 lobster tails, please. I’d like three.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry. We’re all out of the lobster.”

Customer: “What? How? It’s 5:30 p.m. How’s that possible?”

Waiter: “So, the all-you-can-eat buffet, then?”

Customer: “Ugh. Yeah.”

Golden Corral Management watching on a closed-circuit camera: *fist pump*

I haven’t thrown up today, despite feeling pretty bad.

Some of the details from last night are a little fuzzy. There was vodka. And an amazing beer brewed with chili peppers. A Russell Hammond from Almost Famous doppelganger. Shrimp tacos. A Heidi. Lots of laughs. A Lisa (I think). An Irish folk band. More beer.

I don’t think we made any late-night plays for $4 lobster.

But there’s always next weekend.

39 thoughts on “Hangovers and $4 Lobster”

  1. Exasperated: “You yada-yada’d through the best part!”
    Cloyingly: “I mentioned the bisque….”

    I hope this Seinfeld reference isn’t lost on you. I mean, -what with you being so young and all,- but it’s kinda how I felt at the end of this post. What about Heidi? What about Lisa?

  2. I am betting that what they are selling is really a langostino lobster and not a real lobster. Langostinos look like small lobsters but they are really an entirely different animal.

    Unlike you, I know I have been to a Golden Corral. It wasn’t my choice, but I have been with people who really wanted to go, so I conceded. In reality, it isn’t the worst food I’ve ever eaten…Well…it is pretty close to worst food I’ve ever eaten. I once had a couple of food-court corn dogs which gave me food poisoning and they were definitely worse. Other than that I am drawing a blank.

    When I hear the name Golden Corral, I visualize large animals lumbering up to a feed trough. It is not an image that makes me excited about the possible food choices there. When I am going out, I tend to think more in terms of quality rather than quantity where food is concerned. I like to think there is a chef somewhere back in the kitchen spending even a few minutes applying his skill to my meal and only my meal. The idea of nameless, faceless food workers churning out massive amounts of food-like products for mass consumption just doesn’t appeal.

    Obviously, not everyone is like me, because Golden Corral and other restaurants like it are enormously successful.

    Full disclosure: I will occasionally go to a Asian buffet, but only if it has the Mongolian BBQ/Hibachi where I can get something freshly cooked.

    Great post as always, Matt. I can always count on you for an entertaining, thoughtful post.

    1. Thank you! I don’t mean to come off elitist. After all. I eat generic cereal from Aldi once in a while. 🙂

      I’m so glad you think my hangover post was thoughtful. That made me chuckle.

  3. I shop at Aldi too. Their cereal & dry goods stuff are great. I try to buy all my milk there; it’s no different than other milk…just cheaper. Like a buck cheaper. I’m not so sure about the produce though. Luckily Aldi & Meijer are less than a mile apart in my small town.
    $4 lobster though? Not a chance!
    I maintain that Hot Pockets are the best hangover food. Don’t buy em at Aldi though; theirs are crap!

    1. Oooohhhh. Generic Hot Pockets. That sounds like a bad experiment!

      I used to live by a Meijer in college. Not anymore. That was a good store!

      1. My kids wouldn’t even finish the generic Hot Pockets, they were that bad. And, yeah, I love Meijer. They’re everywhere in Michigan.

  4. For the record:
    $4 lobster is the worst
    Chicks named Heidi are the best

    on a side note, I noticed the dollar sign and the 4 share the same key on my keyboard so I think your typo theory has some merit. I bet it was supposed to be 43.99 lobster.

    eh, that’s a dumb idea. Never mind.

  5. Not sure how you were able to post this without puking…. 😀 What a combination. You only live once, I guess. 😀 I would stay away from the Corral if I could. Funny, but the Golden Corral here is located next to the ALDI, so you can eat first and then shop…sorry. 🙂

  6. That made me giggle, I too went out and had perhaps a bit too much fun last night…and no, $4 lobster tails for me, or Golden Corral for that matter..both sound like a trip to the ER for a friendly stomach pumping. Hope you feel better!

    1. Haaa! I saw that too!

      I thought Red Lobster (the entire chain) was liquidating and going out of business. Misinformed, perhaps.

  7. “THAT’s how badass lobster is. Dow Jones up in your mouth.” This made me laugh enough to not be able to come up with a smart ass comment that would, in theory, also be hilarious.

    1. Thank you. I was trying to class up the joint with some high-brow economic discussion.

      I really appreciate you taking a minute to read and comment, regardless of how smart-assy or non smart-assy you choose to be. I hope you have a great day today.

  8. Life is way too short for $4 ‘lobster’. I’m the first to cry with joy at the sight of a mountain-sized buffet or discounted food. But I’m not into flirting with E.Coli either. I guess we’ll have to wait for the lawsuits.

    1. Yes!

      Lawyer on TV: “Have you been deathly ill from eating $4 lobster from Golden Corral? Are you still recovering? Are you already dead? If so, call Rothstein, Michaels & Triggs. Don’t let E. Coli, explosive diarrhea or AIDS define the rest of your life. Make it right by calling us now at Call today!”

      I don’t always keep up with current events. If you hear about any, I hope you’ll let me know.

  9. Aldi is the bomb! Almost all of their stuff is great. Although going there is always an adventure to say the least. Haven’t tried their K-cups though. Thanks for the heads up.

    1. 🙂

      It’s amazing for baking products. For pantry stuff. Butter. Canned goods. Buns. Sliced bread. English muffins.

      And you really do save legit money there.

      But I still have to go to the “mainstream” grocery store for much of my stuff. *shrug*

      1. Yeah me too. Aldi is like my pantry stock supplement because like you said most of what I get there can be kept for a while. Their produce leaves something to be desired.

  10. You are so funny. There were several things that made me smirk and scoff but this was my favorite: “Dow Jones up in your mouth.”

    I’d never been to a buffet until about a year ago when it was a coworkers birthday. I had no idea how it worked, I just went and sat down at the table, waiting for a server to appear. Everything I did was (apparently) worth laughing at. I learned that you’re stupid if you leave a $10 bill on the table as a tip. It’s a great big world of dining out there and I somehow missed all of these lessons.

    1. Your stock goes up if you don’t know what to do at buffets. Not all of them are created equal, I don’t think. I’m pretty sure there are some good ones here and there. Most are wretched bastions of disease and sadness.

      Good for you for tipping well, even in the face of death from eating your meal.

      Hope you’re doing well, Aussa. Appreciate you peeking in.

  11. I have never been to Golden Corral either. However, I have had the all-you-can-eat crab legs they have at casino buffets — it tastes chalky and kind of like bleach. While I was trying to finish my first helping, I watched others gorge themselves with it and was disgusted and a little fascinated. Where have America’s taste buds gone??

      1. To be fair, it’s really an even 50/50 🙂
        It’s the Golden Corrals of America that have killed the taste buds, but it’s the people who don’t stop eating the shit they put out there.

  12. LMAO! You had to be dying at the responses on that thread. Thank you for including those! Um, yeah, it’s likely lobster with a “k”, or, well, who knows. Maybe it’s like Velveeta, which is a cheese product, but not cheese.

    On a side note, I just Googled “Velveeta packaging” just to make sure my claim that it was a “cheese product” was correct, and I found this: http://www.icollector.com/Mel-Ramos-Velveeta-Poster_i11588325 Wha???

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