If My Grandma Married a Liam Neeson Movie Character

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Despite being the most saintly woman in the known universe, I'm pretty sure my grandma wants to bang Liam Neeson.
Despite being the most saintly woman in the known universe, I’m pretty sure my grandma wants to bang Liam Neeson.

My grandmother is almost 80 years old.

She is the sweetest, kindest human being who has ever existed. Anyone who says differently is a dirty liar or possibly just someone who hasn’t met her.

She has 18 grandchildren, 19 if you count my son. I am the oldest. And possibly the awesome-ist.

It is of the utmost importance that my grandmother never read my writing. She thinks I’m an angel. Which makes sense because I’m always on my best behavior in her presence.

My grandmother loves Jesus. She prays and prays and prays for every single person she knows and even all the people she doesn’t. All she wants—ever—is the very best for every single person in the world.

While I’ve never seen her act particularly judgmental, she certainly exists in the upper echelon of conservative behavior.

Which is why I was so shocked to learn she has the hots for Liam Neeson.

My grandma was sleeping peacefully in the hospital following a procedure that a better grandson would be able to name. And had this next part not happened, maybe I would remember:

Grandma woke up. My grandfather at her side—her husband of 55 years and counting.

She looked to her left where one of her daughters was standing—my aunt—and said: “Oh my. Liam Neeson will be here any minute and I haven’t even done my hair.”

I know what you’re thinking: “Matt. That doesn’t seem very scandalous.”

I need you to trust me on this. My grandmother saying THAT is the equivalent of a normal person saying: “I need Liam Neeson to violate me right this second. Hard.”

So I got to thinking: My grandma doesn’t really like Liam Neeson. She’s never met him before! I don’t think. Who she actually likes are Liam Neeson’s movie characters.

Which begs the question: What would those Grandma-and-Liam-Neeson-Movie-Character relationships look like?

I’ve maybe seen a dozen Liam Neeson movies.

I STILL haven’t seen Schindler’s List. I know. It’s embarrassing. Back when I used to smoke pot, I once got high and sat down to watch it. Then some freaky candles showed up on the screen in the opening scene. It weirded me out so I shut it off and watched a comedy.

Some of the Candidates to Fulfill My Grandmother’s Liam Neeson Fantasy

Qui-Gon Jinn

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace

qui gon jinn

Qui-Gon is the man responsible for the Jedi training of Obi-Wan Kenobi, and to a lesser extent, pre-Darth Vader Anakin Skywalker.

I like this idea. Qui-Gon and Grandma. I’d get to eat freshly baked cookies AND do lightsaber training during my visits.

Qui-Gon would never scream at my grandmother: “Hey! Bring me a beer!,” because he could use the Force to float it right to his armchair.

Jedi knights take vows of celibacy. Which means my grandmother would not be having sexual relations with, potentially, the worst Jedi—ever. 

Bryan Mills



Bryan Mills is a retired U.S. spy. A badass. If you kidnap people in his family, he will straight-up kill you. I like the idea of Grandma being safe from international kidnappers looking to sell 80-year-old women to the black market sex trade.

We’d meet next time I go visit my grandparents. I’d be pissed that Bryan won my grandmother’s affections over my awesome grandfather.

“Hey Mills! I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want,” I’d say. “But I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

“If you leave my grandmother alone now, that will be the end of it. I will not come after you. But if you don’t. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

neeson death stare

“Heh. Just kidding, Bryan. I mean, Grandpa Bryan!

Henri Ducard/Ra’s Al Ghul

Batman Begins


Another tough guy. This is the man who taught Bruce Wayne the skills needed to succeed as the Caped Crusader.

He is an evil man.

And my grandmother is a saint.

And they say opposites attract.

So I can totally see this happening.


Clash of the Titans


Let’s see.

He overthrew his own father. He throws thunderbolts at anyone who pisses him off. Ruler of Mt. Olympus. Brother of Hades and Poseidon (who might have got the big-boy job over Zeus had he not had such a laughably small penis). And is legendary for his many affairs.

Yeah. Great. Cheat on my grandma, you sonofabitch!

Of course, with Zeus being my stepgrandpa, I could potentially get the inside track for a date with Venus or Aphrodite. I hear they’ve aged well.


Love, Actually

love actually

I’m not Romantic Comedy Guy. It’s one of those things that really helps me pass the Is He a Man? sniff test.

However. Love, Actually is awesome. Hilarious. My all-time favorite romantic comedy not involving Tom Hanks.

And I adore this particular character. I, legit, hope to emulate his parenting style as my son ages.

On the heels of his wife dying, Daniel is left to care for his withdrawn stepson.

Daniel thinks he’s super-depressed over his mother’s passing. And certainly he is affected by it. But he’s a young boy in school. And he’s fallen in love, he says, with a girl at school who doesn’t know he exists.

All of the remaining scenes in the film are Daniel not dismissing his stepson’s thoughts and feelings.

He doesn’t say: “That’s bullshit. You’re just a dumb little kid whose feelings and opinions don’t matter.”

He invests in his stepson’s problem and goes to great lengths to help him win this girl’s affections.

It’s extraordinarily sweet. And as a father, I hope I can respect my son enough to validate all of the things that really matter to him, instead of always treating him like my feelings are more important because I’m the old-and-wise adult.

I love this guy. And at the risk of insulting my ridiculously awesome grandfather, Daniel can be my bonus grandpa anytime he wants to.

Rob Roy

Rob Roy

rob roy

Rob Roy is like, part-Robin Hood, part William Wallace from Braveheart.

He’s an 18th Century Scot.

I bet my recently turned-saucy grandma totally digs that sort of thing. And I want her to be happy.

And I can’t kick his ass anyway.

“Yes, Grandpa Rob Roy. Of course I’ll get your reading glasses and Dr. Scholl’s inserts for you.”

Dr. Martin Harris


martin harris unknown

In Unknown, Neeson’s character Dr. Harris wakes from a coma with little memory of who he is.

Since my grandmother’s memory worsens as she ages, the unintentional comedy would be off the charts.

I’m so desperate to listen to those conversations, I’m almost hopeful this happens.

Grandma: “Can I help you, mister?”

Dr. Harris: “Are you joking?”

Grandma: “No. I don’t remember any jokes. What can I do for you?”

Dr. Harris: “Sweetheart, you’re scaring me. Don’t you know who I am?”

Grandma: “Yes. You’re Liam Neeson.”

Dr. Harris: “That actor you want to bang!?!? Babe, I’m your husband. It’s me. Martin. We’re married.”

Grandma: “Oh my. How long have we been married?”

Dr. Harris: “Not sure. I have a shitty memory, too. We met right after I came out of a coma at the hospital. Or maybe it was the pub. I honestly don’t know.”

Grandma: “Yeah. I’m not even sure what we’re talking about right now, Lester.”

Dr. Harris: “It’s Martin, actually.”

Grandma: “Hi Mark. I really just want to eat some toast with apple butter and rest my eyes.”

Dr. Harris: “Okay, hon. Would you like to watch a movie?”

Grandma: “I hear Taken 2 is quite good.”

My grandma had emergency surgery yesterday.

Weeks back, she had an accident with her car which resulted in her own vehicle running over both of her legs.

I know.

If I didn’t love her so much, I’d laugh at the absurdity I picture in my head while trying to imagine how this happened.

She’s had a series of infection flare ups, and is currently in a hospital bed with intentionally opened wounds on both legs so the medical staff can treat the infection directly.

This is the second time she has needed emergency surgery in about three weeks because the doctors treating her apparently have the same medical training that I do.

She is one of the sweetest, most-beautiful human beings to ever walk this earth. And my prayer today is that she is able to recover fully from this incident and eventually get around physically as well as she’s always been able to.

The world is such a brighter place when she’s lighting it up.

And that can’t return soon enough.

Even if after all this, she ends up making old-lady sexy time with a Liam Neeson movie character.

113 thoughts on “If My Grandma Married a Liam Neeson Movie Character”

  1. First, I’m keeping your grandma in my thoughts and prayers. She sounds amazing and the world needs more of her!!
    Second, this made me laugh out loud. My grandma was much the same type of person when I was growing up, and she had the hots for Perry Mason. Not Raymond Burr, but Perry Mason.

    And lastly, the same as you, I was my grandma’s awesome-ist grandkid. 😉

    1. Great story. Same deal. It’s cute because it’s my grandma.

      It’s just another one of those great “human” moments where you realize everyone is just a person. Even your grandparents!

  2. Found your blog yesterday, became one of your subscribers, one of the ones you were uncertain would, and am now enjoying you’re humor. Your title sucked me in, I’m sorry, I’ll confess it was my twisted cougar mind thinking you meant a different type of “riding” and since men don’t like tall women, I cynically clicked, a kind of “oh, you’re too short, well I’m too tall!” Enough of that, I’ll be more respectful. Thank you for writing funny things. I’ll be hitting the “Post Comment” button now with a little trepidation.

    1. Trepidation is good! It means you pushed it a little!

      Thank you very much for reading and taking time to write this note.

  3. Matt,

    Know that you and Liam Neeson lovin’ Grandma are in my thoughts and prayers. Oh, and she sounds like an amazing woman! How’d you get so lucky?


    1. I have no idea. My life always was lucky until about age 30 when all the terrible things started to happen.

      And thank God for that, otherwise I’d be extraordinarily dour and unpleasant. I try hard not to be those things. 🙂

  4. I love your gran just because of this post. Cherish her. It’s a blessing to have her for so long. Im 32 years old and i haven’t had any grandparents since i was 14 years old

    1. I’m really lucky that I’ve known my grandmother as long as I have. My mom was young, and she was the oldest child, so it really worked out. I have an aunt who is just four years older than me.

      Great family to grow up with. Extraordinarily blessed. Thank you very much.

  5. I’m a fellow blogger and former journalist who is getting over a touch of a little roadblock on the brain. I don’t use the C word. That sounds like I’ve given up. I haven’t. I spin yarns about growing up as the son of a hired killer. Ok, he was an exterminator. I like your writing style and your dedication to post once per day. You are very dedicated to your craft. I look forward to following your tales. Sometime, I’m interested in getting feedback from another blogger on my posts.

    Thanks and have a great day,
    -Bill Floyd

    1. Son of a hired killer!

      That’s clever. Thank you for being here and saying hi.

      It will take me from now til eternity to check out everyone’s blogs with so many new faces here, but I’ll do my best.

  6. Chuckled my whole way through this (you know I love Liam Neeson) but am so sad to hear about your Grandmother’s health. That is so so terrible and I hate to think about something like that. I want to use a sad face but don’t want to cheapen my comment *stares sadly at computer screen*
    However, there IS a new Liam Neeson movie coming out in the next month or so. I just saw a trailer at the theatre. Let your Grandmother know so that she has something to look forward to.

  7. If I had the inkling that someone was going to show up any minute and my hair was strewn all over the place, I’d take Liam Neeson ANY DAY in any role. And, if you aspire to be like his character in Love Actually, my all-time favorite “contemplate life” relationship movie that sits precariously in my top dresser drawer just waiting to be played on a moment’s notice when I need a good life lesson, then you, my blogging friend, are on the right track! I hope and pray your grams recovers as soon as possible. My gram will be turning 103 on Valentine’s Day….amazing women we have in our lives. I’m sure their influence is rubbing off on us, somehow, somewhere, despite it all. (wink) 😉 XOXO-Kasey

  8. Oh Man, too much! And, the strange part is that I sympathize in a way. My grandmother is the epitome of what a grandma should be (at least on my dad’s side, my other grandmother is still a killer-queen genius in high heels who, at 6 foot, rail thin, and has severe swiss cheese bones, aka, breaks something every time she rolls over in bed wrong, still gets up at 5 AM, cleans the house, takes care of my grandfather, does her running around, and never forgets to put on makeup, her contacts, and an attitude). Grandma bakes, sews, and is a sweet faced, card-playing, soft and fluffy bundle of love, who chides you about your strange clothes while she slips you a twenty, yet, when her dr put her on the wrong meds after a surgery, she started accusing the neighbor she knew for 50 years of having an affair with my dad (who is happily married to my mother, the mirror image of killer-queen grandma lol), and an ex convict of showing up wanting to marry her, which, to the scandal of us all, is a flashback to her younger days. Who knew that she has always had a thing for bad boys? I added that bit of intel to my list of things I did NOT need to learn about my family, then consoled myself with a homemade chocolate chip cookie while we sorted buttons.
    Thanks for the laugh, hope your G-ma gets well very soon, and thank you for your posts; you are a credit to your gender and give hope to those of us who have lost faith in the male persuasion

      1. Naw, I just report the news, I dont make it up lol. I’ve discovered life is usually far more interesting than anything even my twisted imagination can come up with. Perhaps we are closer to “Adaptation” than we want to realize…or The Matrix!

  9. I will keep your grandmother in my prayers, especially since I have an awesome grandmother myself who will be turning 84 in two weeks time. She doesn’t have the hots for Liam Neeson (I have to admit I kinda do, at least for Daniel//Bryan//Rob Roy) but she does have the hots for Paul Newman and his wonderful blue eyes.

  10. This is totally awesome! It reminds me of my Father in Law’s recent stay in hospital where he came out with some crazy shit. He’s 93. One night while visiting he told us that the Sister of his ward was the Queen of Australia. ” Really?” We asked. ” Apparently so.” He replies, dead serious. Two nights later, visiting time again and when asked what he’d been up to that day, he tells us he’s been to town! Huh? ” how did you get there?” we asked. ” Oh, you just walk down the corridor and you’re there.” He said. Next night the same thing, except this time the walk down the corridor took him to the office he’d had decades ago while on the City Council.
    We decided that the hospital corridor was something akin to the wardrobe to Narnia and resolved never to go further down it than his room, or who new where the hell we could end up!
    Healing thoughts and prayers and lots of hugs to your awesome Grandma.

      1. Thanks Matt 🙂 I did start a blog about it, but then life and hospital visiting got in the way. I’ll play catch up soon tho, because it’s too good not to! I don’t want to forget any of it!

  11. Hey Matt… new reader here. Prayers for your grandma… she sounds a lot like mine. She lived with us (not your grandma, mine) when I was a kid and I could always hear her praying if I woke up in the middle of the night. I don’t think she ever slept. Love the writing… today, especially about ‘Love, Actually’. Much of what you write resonates with me… a fellow divorced, single dad who makes bad decisions. Just wanted to say “Hello” and “Good Job”.


    1. Thank you very, very much.

      There is entirely too many nice things being said about me.

      Better than the alternative. 🙂

  12. I’m picking Rob Roy all that honour makes a girl week at the knees. He made his wife’s ‘sow’s ear’ into a ‘silken purse’ (top naughty line in a film for me it’s sexy, funny and true) and he kicked Tim Roth’s ass while only wearing a skirt! Not to mention that accent… What a man. Prayers to your gorgeous Grandma she has good taste.

    1. I think you just said you’re one of the world’s kindest and sweetest people.

      I’d call you a braggart, but it can’t be true because you’re like my grandmother.

      Which means, I kind of love you. Sorry if that makes it weird.

      1. Awww!! No weirdness LoL and not to be a braggart, but I am haha… I just started blogging myself now going through divorce, no kiddos, but found your blog interesting beginning with title, can’t wait to read more… Lunch hour over 🙁

  13. Jeez! If your gram got run over by her own car, then SHE’S the badass Liam needs! He’d better tidy his hair and hop to (sorry, grandpa)!

  14. Your Grandma sounds like an absolute joy! If I had been in the room when she said that, I don’t know if I would have been able to keep it together. I’m pretty sure I would have fallen to the ground, rolling around in fits of uncontrollable laughter, and possibly peeing my pants.

    I lost my last living grandparent in November 2012. My grandma was 94 years old and absolutely sweet and wonderful ’til the end. I miss her every day.

    I’m praying for a fast and full recovery for your Grandma!

    1. Can’t thank you enough for that.

      I’m glad you understand how special they are.

      Can’t take them for granted. And I mean that for me.

  15. As long as she loves Jesus more than Liam Neeson, it’s all good. This, however, is not helpful: “the doctors treating her apparently have the same medical training that I do.” I pray that they determine how to fix her 100%.

    1. Thank you. I certainly do too. They’ve made some pretty bad calls so for.

      On two occasions. Calling into question their competence.

      Appreciate your prayers very much.

  16. Grandparents are the best. I’m very blessed to have known mine. We lived close and they all were very involved in my life while I was growing up. Some of my best memories involve one or all of them.

    My surviving grandmother is 96 and I will never look at her the same way again thanks to this post!

    Sending out prayers for your grandmother’s speedy recovery.

  17. I love how random your blogs are. Seriously, where the hell did you come up with this? Also, why wouldn’t your grandma count your son as one of her grandchildren?

    1. Of course she would count him! But he’s technically a “great” grandchild.

      Just being thorough!

      I love that you love how random these stories are. I do tend to bounce around from subject to subject. And my tone switches dramatically from light to serious.

      Keeps things off balance. And I’ve always worried about that a little. Thank you so much for saying you like it.

  18. You need to see The A-Team, I’d love to hear your take on a Hannibal-Grandma pairing!

    Hope your Grandma recovers soon, it’s always hard when a loved one is in hospital.

    1. Oooohhh. Hannibal.

      I haven’t seen the new movie, but Hannibal from the old show was a master of disguise.

      THAT will really be confusing for grandma if every time she sees him, he’s altered his appearance.

      Or even MORE funny–if he changed his appearance every day, but she never noticed. Ha.

      Thanks for saying hi!

      1. Don’t expect it to compare well with the tv show (remakes never do), but it’s good fun. Y’know…if you like explosions and stuff in your movies…

        I started following you after you featured on WordPress.com News (that thing you were worried about) and I really must share the link to your blog with my friend who’s about to go through a divorce while being primary caregiver for his son. My dad unexpectedly wound up as a single parent too, although not through divorce, and I can’t even begin to explain how much it would have helped him if something like your blog had existed back then to show him that he wasn’t the only one. Single dads don’t get anything like as much attention and support as mothers, and that’s something that needs to change.

        1. I know some good men in real life and have met some through this writing process who have indicated they really appreciate my willingness to write about some of this stuff.

          We mostly all feel the same types is things.

          When it’s hard, we need hope.

          Finding people who are there, or who have been there, is invaluable.

  19. This post is great! You made me laugh!
    Now I’m sitting here imagining my g-ma in relationships with say Arnold. Ugh in so many ways.

    1. As a general rule, I think it wise to NOT think about our grandparents doing non-grandparenty things with random celebs.

      But, hell. I do unwise things all the time.

  20. My grandmother has imaginary feuds with people on the television. She got mad at Phil Donohue once but would never tell us why. She would give him very stern looks, though. And she was so, so pleased when his show was cancelled. (And I can’t prove this, but I’m fairly sure she thinks “Days of Our Lives” is a reality show and those people are all real and those things are really happening to them.)

    1. That’s so awesome.

      Don’t people come back from the dead in “Days”?

      I think they do.

      Making your grandmother… awesome.

  21. First let me say I’m glad you are not curled up in the fetal position drinking, or that if you are, you’re still blogging like a champ.
    Second, your poor grandma- that is horrific! Sending some recovery prayers her way via you.
    Third, your grandma has some good taste in men. I was just saying to E. today that I thought Liam Neesom was yummy because we had just seen the trailer for his new film. Mmmmmm, Liam. =)
    Fourth, holy cow, you are going to up 24 hours a day responding to comments now! Congrats!

  22. haha.
    I have the hots for Liam as well!
    Your Grandma and I can fight over him.
    She sounds sweet though. I would probably let her win.
    Maybe we could share him, one weekend off, one weekend on, type thing!

    Just an idea. lol

    Great writing!

  23. Great post, man. I’d hook my grandmothers up with Liam if either was still alive. Who wouldn’t? Exactly. That’s why this post was written.

    Thoughts and prayers for your grandmother’s quick recovery.

    1. Thank you!

      Do your friends call you Chris or Christopher? I never type it because I’m not sure which to use. 🙂

  24. This post is like a roller coaster ride, brings you up and down. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the ride. Love and prayer for your grandmother.
    (Side note: I think it would be cool to have a Jedi grandfather)

  25. My grandmother had the hots for OJ SImpson (back when he still looked good). I dearly hope your grandma pulls through. My own saintly, sweet grandma passed away at age 86.

  26. This post is like a roller coaster ride, it will make you laugh then teary-eyed. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the ride. Love and prayers for your grandmother.
    (Side note: I think it would be cool to have a Jedi grandfather)

  27. My grandmother had five children and lived to be 100, but I don’t think she ever had the hots for anyone, including my grandfather. I like your grandmother more.

    1. This made me laugh. Twice.

      It’s AMAZING that we find these older couples who have pro rested multiple times but CLEARLY couldn’t possibly have had sex before. You know they have some kind of miraculous asexual bippity boppity boo action they’re doing.

      Like a bunch of bingo and Ben Gay-infused miracles.

  28. Matt, I just started following yesterday. Awesome post, kept me laughing to the end. I know you haven’t seen it, but when you do, I’m pretty sure you’ll realize your grandma will want to do the humpty dance with Oskar Schindler in a bad way.

    1. I really need to make that film a priority. I think it came out in ’93, so… 21 years.

      You’d think I’d have accidentally seen it by now.

      Thank you for reading! I’m glad you laughed. I’m very humbled you visited at all.

  29. What can I say? I’m a sucker for men who love their mee-maws. Oh my goodness, I laughed when I read this. My Dad (76) too is in hospital now, I can relate. Best wishes to your Grandma for a speedy recovery. Take care.

    1. My very best wishes for your father’s speedy recovery. Please tell him you love him today. Maybe in a way that doesn’t sound like how you usually say it.

      Thank you for the smile first thing this morning. 🙂

  30. My soon to be ex mother in law is the oldest woman in my life (sorta) at the moment. She is extremely danger prone and a year can’t go by without a hospital visit because of some break or bodily damage caused. I sat with her and her broken wrist in the hospital on her birthday one year. We had a party for her, a beautiful, warm May day in Florida, and she does what she does best; talk, walk and look back at the same time. She believes multi- tasking is a concept taken literally. 🙂 I hope your Grandmother recovers in record time. {{hugs}} to all while waiting for her to heal and become mobile again. I enjoy your humor and secretly(opps, it’s out!) wish for a 10th of your imagination! Grandma and Liam the Jedi… funny!

  31. I like the Grandma/Bryan Mills scenario the best, but they were all pretty funny. You’re grandma sounds like an awesome lady, hopefully she gets to meet Liam Neeson some day!


  32. Your Grandma sounds wonderful, I like her already. She’s probably having drug dreams from her anesthetics, my Dad had them too really vivid and weird. It’s interesting how she managed to hurt her legs, poor lady, some prayers coming her way. ps: (Sometimes I get overly technical with injuries and such, I am a nurse). Lisa 🙂

    1. 🙂

      Thank you. She has two more surgeries scheduled I learned today.

      Long road ahead. But everyone is expecting full recovery. Thank you!

  33. Sending love and blessings to your grandmother. Have read a couple of your posts – great writing – very brave – and amazing emotional progress!

  34. I hope your Grandma is recovering well… she sounds awesome! Especially if she has the hots for Liam Neeson characters! I loved him in the Taken movies and Love Actually is also one of my favourites… the scene at the airport where the girl his stepson is in love with comes back through the gate and kisses him and then Liam Neeson picks him up and hugs him never, ever fails to give me a lump in my throat and bring tears to my eyes! It’s such a wonderfully lovely moment! 🙂

    1. 🙂

      That film is great from top to bottom. And yeah, love that particular Neeson character. My favorite, by far.

      Thank you for wishing my grandmother well. As far as I know, she’s going to come out of this okay. Just a long recovery.

      1. I’ve been reading your comments and the replies. I also read a lot of political blogs, and many of the political replies can be nasty and brutal. The people who reply to your comments seem to be genuinely nice. You must feel very good about that.

        1. I’ve been assuming that all of the people who read and don’t comment think I’m a horrible person. You know. To keep things balanced.

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