Ever feel like you’re getting too much sleep? Do you wish you could yawn more, feel lethargic and get that hazy 2:30 feeling every afternoon at work?
I have a plan GUARANTEED to help you lose sleep and feel shittier about your life!
All you have to do is follow these simple steps, and I’ll have you feeling horrible faster than you can say: “Tony Robbins? I thought you said ‘Baskin-Robbins.’”
1. Get divorced
This is easy!
All you have to do is communicate poorly with your spouse, spend time not doing things together, have sex infrequently—or better yet—never, have massive disagreements about where you should live and why, have different hobbies and passions and interests and tastes.
All around you, people are doing it! Nearly half of all married couples are fucking up their lives as we speak! Don’t sit on the sidelines! Be a part of this movement sweeping the nation!
Having trouble creating this much separation with your significant other? Well I’ve got the answer for that too!
It’s called infidelity! Does that make you uncomfortable? Me too! But don’t worry, if you act fast, I’m sure you can find some cockface to sleep with your partner for you!
In fact, if you do just 75 percent of what I describe above, divorce will probably just happen organically! And you’ll be on your way to losing sleep and feeling wretched about your life with hardly any effort at all!
2. Let your five-year-old sleep with you
This is easy!
Don’t have a five-year-old? Your friends will let you borrow theirs, assuming you’re not a card-carrying member of the Neverland Society for Creepy Children Sleepovers, Presented by Michael Jackson.
This is best done with your own flesh and blood. And it’s easy! All you have to do is let a little discipline go out the window since your life is in shambles from your divorce!
That empty bed you were worried about? Now there’s someone there!
Are you one of those people who actually sleep better with someone next to you? Fear not!
Kids NEVER hold still! Not even when they’re sleeping. They’ll be slapping your face, kicking your privates, pushing you off the bed, asking for middle-of-the-night drinks, having bad dreams, talking in their sleep and many other sleep-depriving tricks!
Step 2 is a surefire way to decrease your energy level AND you have the added bonus of chipping away at the integrity of the structure and discipline that once existed in your house! You can’t afford NOT to try this method!
3. Leave the TV on all night
This is easy!
Melatonin!?!? Pfffffftttttttttt! Who needs it?
Leave the TV on! It’s great. If the kid’s next to you, he or she will get less sleep too, so it’s a two-for-one double-bonus surprise!
If your kid isn’t there, you’ll lose a little sleep worrying about them while they’re with the other parent, AND you can watch more explicit TV programs. So if you fall asleep watching The Matrix for the 74 millionth time on HBO or Cinemax, you might have the pleasure of waking up at 3 or 4 a.m. to the sounds of softcore pornography in your bedroom!
Even when it’s not really your cup of tea, you’ll still watch for a moment because it represents EVERYTHING you’re not doing! It will make you feel sad, stressed and horny all at the same time. Just one more reminder that you’re not getting laid and that your life kind of sucks ass. Even after you turn the TV off, you’ll just lay there for hours thinking about it! More importantly, you won’t be sleeping!
4. Never have sex
This is easy!
Once your partner leaves you, there’s no one there to sleep with anymore, making this step the easiest of all of them! Because you’ll lack confidence and feel like a total waste, it will be easier than ever to repel potential mates! You’ll feel more unattractive than ever, and by feeling unattractive, you’ll ACTUALLY BE UNATTRACTIVE! No gimmicks! No tricks! Just make a bunch of bad choices, feel awful about it, and never having sex will come so naturally, it will feel just like going through puberty again, except your skin will be better and you’ll be less optimistic about your future!
5. Exercise infrequently
This is easy!
Just don’t do anything. Ever.
Do you enjoy lifting weights? Running? Hiking? Having sex? Going for walks in your neighborhood? Bike riding? Or performing other physical activities?
You can STILL do them! (Except for the sex!) Just cut back a lot! And maybe eat more pizza and M&Ms and drink more beer.
You can further erode your self-esteem by pledging to work harder on balancing the Body component of your Mind, Body, Spirit makeup and then not follow through with any conviction! Like a total fraud!
Exercise and feeling good about your life WILL help you sleep better. So I beg you to avoid it at all costs if you’re looking to feel really terrible. I know you can do it!
6. Buy things you’re not sure you can afford
This is easy!
I just did it two days ago. And you can too—I know it!
There are so many ways. Drugs! Premium cable TV! Alcohol! Expensive phones! Parties! Nice dinners! Too much house! Run up credit cards!
If you’re me? Buy a new, expensive car on top of some of this other shit.
Your insurance will go up! You’ll worry more about door dings and scratches! You’ll be anal retentive about dirt on both the inside AND outside of your car for the first time in your life! Most importantly? You’ll totally sweat how your life is going to be impacted by the new car payment!
You’ll question your ability to make disciplined, responsible choices. You’ll question your ability to set a good example for your son. You’ll question whether anyone’s going to want to date a guy who doesn’t know how to prioritize financially. You’ll question, well, EVERYTHING!
Not to bring positivity into the mix, but you WILL feel great while driving your new ride. But don’t worry!
Actually, check that. DO worry! Because you’ll lose so much sleep over your bad decisions that it will more than offset any positives gained from your driving buzz!
In conclusion, sleep is bullshit. It’s for all those people who want to look and feel good, succeed at work and in their human relationships, and make good decisions that improve all facets of their lives.
Sleep isn’t for you and me!
I’ve already lost a bunch.
And now, by following my proven formula, you can too!
Hey, listen. We’ll sleep when we’re dead.
And with this kind of decision making, we’ll be there in no time!
In no particular order:
1) don’t beat yourself up about the car. A new car is a good safety precaution, especially if you have a young child. Just be frugal elsewhere.
2) people who break your heart aren’t worth being heartbroken over.
3) kick the kid out of your bed… I’m very mean in this department and barricade myself in for sleep.
4) put the TV timer on (most TVs have this function)
5) go for walks, or even leisurely strolls, instead of putting pressure on yourself to exercise. Walking is as effective as jogging in terms of distance. So a mile of walking is as good for you as a mile of jogging.
6) There are a lot of slutty women out there. You could either find one, or just be patient and have a relationship with a decent woman. Or both?
Now, if I start doing things smartly, what the hell am I going to write about?
Ask not what your blog can do for you, but what you can do for your blog.
Oh Matt, I’m midway through a layover at Hong Kong airport and everyone is gawking at the chick losing her shit laughing at your blog (said weirdo is me).
Stop stressing about the car – when I make questionable decisions I just tell myself it makes me badass. And badass people always get laid haha.
Pure joy just coursed through my veins at the thought of someone in Hong Kong reading my drivel.
Get home safe, young lady. Thank you for reading.
And stop being so fucking hard on yourself. That one is an order.
It’s kind of my schtick, miss.
This made me laugh. My first laugh of the day and its 10 pm so i imagine its also going to be my last. You write with such honesty, grace and humor!
If you, of all people, were able to laugh as a result of something I wrote, that’s as much validation as I’ll ever desire. Thank you for this note. And try to smile. Even when you don’t feel like it. 1. It lifts others. 2. Endorphins.
Matt,
I have another one to add. Stumble on a blog that is raw, funny, insightful, honest and find that many hours have passed and it’s now the morning. You need to sleep but think “just one more post, then I’ll go to bed”. Thank you, Matt, for another night of not sleeping. I am guilty of all of the ones you’ve listed and many more. Here’s to sleeping when we’re dead!
When I saw the ” I don’t wear pajamas” part, my eyebrow raised and I just smiled. I’m a very visual person and it made me think of your earlier post about sex being with your dream girl has to be a 7.5 or 8. Someday, I hope I find my dream man and then my inner sex kitten can finally be set free. LOL!
Please forgive my delayed response, Robin.
I want you to know how good it makes me feel that you like my writing enough to go back and read from the beginning. It’s extraordinarily flattering. Thank you.
I told someone about this a couple days ago after reading this comment. I’m not quite as good as I used to be about responding to comments because I’m trying to be more present and active, and spend less time online.
That said, whoever and whatever I am today, is in part because of the growing and self-reflection process of writing all this stuff down. (Along with some nonsense along the way. I’m a child, sometimes.)
Thank you for being a part of it. It really matters to me.